The Other Side of Jealousy or What I Learned in a Rain Storm

Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Today was one that got completely derailed from jump.  An appointment was later than planned, ran longer than planned, involved more emotions than planned and ended up throwing off the rest of my day.  I canceled meetings, played the dutiful daughter and came home stressed before getting drenched again after taking groceries out of the car for the aforementioned parent.  The many many bags of groceries. 

I was tired and frustrated and soaking wet.  Generally speaking that becomes a play on words because the rain makes me frisky but today it just made me tired as fuck.  I actually took a nap and woke up hazy.  I couldn't hear the rain and I was grateful for a moment of clarity in my brain.  It was short lived as the rain returned and has been mostly constant for the rest of the day.  I have been all over the place emotionally today as a result. 

I am reacting much more intensely than I want to to a variety of stimuli.  Stupid posts on Fetlife make me want to hit people.  Sweet and romantic posts are making me cry.  I'm taking others as admonishments when I'm sure that's not what was intended.  Or if it was it wasn't directed towards me.  At the root of all of it was my feelings of frustration that I couldn't vent.  At least not in the way I wanted or felt as though I needed.  Days like this is when I least enjoy being an unattached submissive.  Days like this I need to be recentered.  I need to be held and stroked and made to serve in a way that feels beneficial and not abused.  Valued and appreciated instead of just expected.  I wouldn't have minded having sex but I would appreciated a stiff drink and a flogging so much more.

Days like today I want my Him to appear more than anything else.  Granted it probably seems like it's more to stave off my own mind funk but that's just part of it.  I miss that connection to one person who sees all of me and desires to protect that and nurture it and help shape my growth.  I miss the feel of masculine fingers touching my back, toying with my neck, playing in my hair, tweaking my nipples and brushing my mouth as they caress a cheek.  Days like this I'm both grateful that others don't have to feel that longing but sadder than I'd like to admit that I am experiencing it.

Jealousy is not even something I register in my brain most days.  I recognize that my life has been a mess and there was no space in there for a partner until late last year.  That doesn't stop me from being wistful when I read the declarations of love and peace that others have found.  I also realize I was probably invoking those emotions in others before now lol.  When I love and am in a committed relationship I do so with no restraints and in any way that I can champion Him and whatever He has brought to my life I will.  It's natural and expected in some circles.  Even when I lose said love I can still immortalize that love and loss quite eloquently.  I use the phrase out of sorts when I feel like this but it's more than that because I want to have more control over who I am and how I feel than that.

Most of the time I can keep that insecurity and desire at bay.  I realize that it takes a while to find the right fit and I am still in pursuit of my match.  No match will be forthcoming until the right time and I am still sorting things out.  Trying to mesh my dichotomies with the right guide will not happen overnight.  Yes I know all these things but today I still wished I could roll over and He be there to tease me about the way I curl up for a nap, the fact that I still sleep with my stuffed elephant or that despite my noticeable frustration with daughter duties the rain had it's normal moisture inducing qualities between my thighs.  In that nice deep voice that reminds me both of warmth and comfort while maintaining a tiny bit of edge that lets me know I can and will be hurt at His leisure.

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