The Struggle is Ever Present

Saturday, December 13, 2014
I am struggling to figure out what what I want to be doing and when and where right now.   I am happier than I have been right now in a lot of ways.  Work is good, my long suffering stomach is mellowed the hell out, I have clicked with a trainer, I'm losing weight, I'm in a good place with most of my family (mom is always a work in progress) and there are romantic options available.  Sounds great right?  Well sort of.  I love what I do at work but I was apparently not up for the next round of workplace politics.  The stomach issues have been mildly replaced with lady part issues even though that may be wrapped up now.  Weight loss is great but I've been safe in the larger body so long I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the smaller one and then there's the romance end of things. 

The best options are not close and not even the same kind of person.  I like strong personalities because I need one that can make mine submit.  If it feels like I can overrun you at all then it won't work.  I don't top from the bottom and I like to slip into a submissive head space pretty quickly when we are together.  We can joke and shoot the breeze but when it's go time I don't want to be struggling with how to help you get me to the base of submissive mountain.  So yes strong men are a necessity but I like intelligent men even more.  You can't be all "I am Groot" with me and I submit to you either.  There has to be some good conversation on a variety of things outside of what you would like to do to me in bed.  Give me a book I should check out.  Help me develop a deeper understanding of a subject.  Teach me a foreign language--ok that may be asking a bit much so yeah it would be cool but not a requirement.  There's this other thing I like but if I'm even more honest having it tends to be a double edged sword.  When I have it, there are all these fireworks and machinations happening in my brain that make me tingle when I even think about that person.  But that person tends to know that and they can push any and all buttons at their will.  Being that susceptible to someone's desires is dangerous.  At least for me it can be dangerous.  But that spark when it happens makes me act like an addict and I'm willing to do all manner of stupid things to get another hit.  Thankfully that's not really in play now because if it was this blog may have a new physical location as I was forced to relocate my being to be at the knees of the person who generated that longing.

So I am enjoying multiple phases of my life and that I'm being allowed to slowly explore where I want to be but part of my brain keeps dancing back and forth between single is better because as I've learned more about myself I know the slide isn't too far off for me anymore.  I mean heck Mr. Wolf made me cry, a LOT, and that never ever happens.  Then I go but hey the pain is good and they really want to hurt you.  That makes me think of other things too though.  Why are there options for me to choose from?  There are very rarely options for me to choose from ever.  Maybe I'm all goofy and splintered and thus attractive to folks who have nothing in common but the desire to push my pain tolerance into overdrive.  And then I start yet another conversation.  I could be really happy with anyone on the radar.  There are pros and cons to each avenue I pursued but isn't that normally how it works?  So even when I'm happy and things are clicking I struggle to find my place and what makes sense. 

I will figure it out one day right?

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