Random Musings, seriousy really random

Saturday, June 28, 2014 No comments
I know two posts in the same day you are going to lose your mind with so much of the weirdness that emanates from my brain.  Because the things that are on my brain right now aren't remotely connected I'm just going to make bullet points and I may go back to flesh them out as needed.  So here goes...

  • I have stopped trying to make sense of my dreams and will chalk them up to late night chicken whenever I can.  Yes I know there's usually something there but as I have a tendency to over analyze my waking life doing so with my sleepy time can get overwhelming. I should figure them out really I should but it's so much nicer for something to click but then again as I mentioned yesterday I'm very much of the literal mindset when it comes to my own life.  Others not so much but my own yeah I don't like the wide from for interpretation crap.
  • My mother is like the best birth control ever.  If I wasn't so busy taking care of her and dealing with her random mood swing I may have been knocked up six times or more likely on a slutty tour of the planet every summer.  She is also indirect motivation to get to the gym cause any time away from her is a blessing some days.
  • I am horny as all hell both for the known entities in my life and those that challenge my thoughts.  If I could combine attributes of all the men that I find intriguing into one human this blog would likely go dark because I'd be homeless because I'd be trying to figure out how to please Him next and get fired from my job.  Ok that's not true, red likes having a place to sleep damn it lol and I like eating and I like talking about all the good sex I'm having but the key there is I'd be having some fucking amazing sex and I'd be talking about it a lot.
  • I am super duper insecure about my submission right now as well.  That seems to be a push pull for me.  My sexuality I understand pretty plainly.  I like sex and dominant men spark that need to orgasm.  However, it makes my brain fuzzy and I'm never quite sure if all they want is another ride on the multiple orgasm express (that sounds like a smutty story in the offing, makes a mental note of that) or they truly want to journey with me to the depths of my depravity which can frighten me sometimes as well.  There are places I can go with the right person that could fracture other people.  But the thing is I really want to see what life looks like on that side of the broken glass.  I don't want to do anything that would endanger my life necessarily--no cum dumps from men who have never had an HIV or std test ever for example--but I want to be legitimately pushed in way I have not been as of yet.  I'm afraid no one will ever push me there and I'm also afraid that once I'm there that I may not want to return.
  • Being insecure also makes me a touch on the needy side as well.  I want to hear that I'm being a good girl, that he wants me, that he has been thinking about me and doing depraved things to me.  It doesn't deaden the insecurity but it does keep it at bay for a while.  The other thing connected to that though is well two things are not unique to me I'm sure.  I literally fucking hate feeling this way.  It drives me to distraction to wait on a thing that proves I am still valued and wanted cause that is so fucking stupid.  Of course I am there is way more going on with my life than if some Dom some where wants to possess me.  But when I am feeling like this it's all I can think of and I feel tiny and weak and sad.  Additionally, what I need to provide that value is a moving target.  It won't be the same week to week let alone needy moment to the next needy moment.  I wish I could quiet that part of my brain.  The gym helps but eventually I leave and I'm back to waiting for the good girl stroking to buoy my spirits and make me independent again.
  • As I mentioned in my last post I'm also apparently stupid about how men flirt and may both be 1) missing the more subtle flirts and 2) ignoring the subtle disinterest.  I know I'm girly and soft and my boob size may indicate a level of stupidity that isn't accurate in the slightest I'd rather know if you're interested or not and what you are interested in.  green lantern and I were talking about trips that I take to see men I'm interested in.  I tend to pay for my vacations, that's how I see them most of the time anyway, because if I don't like you five minutes after I get there I don't want to feel obligated to spend anymore time with you.  That includes in state, out of the state and out of the states entirely trips.  I tend to travel well alone even though I haven't been out of the country alone ever so that will be an experience if I make it.  I really do want to go though, there are lots of places I want to see and know that my schedule may not work with anyone I know.  But even when it's just a few states over if you start acting like a prick or changing your mind about what we were going to do then I make alternate plans on the fly and enjoy my time away from my mother and mortgage.  But that's just if I've already made plans.  If you start acting weird then I don't even bother to book the reservations.  I'll miss you while I masturbate or until I find someone else who is more direct and available and interesting--hard trifecta I know but I'm too old to guess how you are feeling.  I don't like it, it starts that head dance crap from the previous bullet point.  If we are just fucking cool.  If we are just friends cool.  If you want to detain me in your basement and see which spanking implement I respond best too well that's damn cool and tell me where to meet you please and thank you.
  • I am a ridiculous flirt and can be all beyond the pale when it comes to making you hard.  I enjoy it, keep my brain juices flowing.  As I mentioned on a post elsewhere I cannot ask for the attention I want when I am feeling needy.  It's when that dose of boy is not helpful.  It is overwhelmed and overpowered by all that clear and present girl that makes me up.
  • And now it's starting to thunder and rain and all that horny is about to get ramped up along with the other stuff that spins from it.  Damn it.

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No more late night snacks...they cause crazy dreams

I just as easily could have called this post it's all green lantern's fault but in my evaluations of what I did before bed it couldn't totally be placed at her feet.  We were discussing PP and the way we met, how we tend to interact and that over the time that we have known one another neither has said I love you to the other.  I love what you are doing or oh shit I love that probably but truthfully the sex has always made my brain fuzzy so I can't be sure about that right now either.  I mentioned before that he surprised me with his rather skillful mindfuck but we didn't make any magical declarations afterwards lol in fact we have resumed speaking sporadically, normally when I'm being nosy.  So while the conversation was partially enlightening in that I made some connections I hadn't before now it wasn't earth shattering. Apparently my subconscious disagreed though.  I kept hearing his voice throughout the dream but didn't really see him till the end.  However, it wasn't him initially but someone I had seen naked once and spent more time figuring out what color to paint my nails after he left than I did during the act. Stamina with length and NO GIRTH suckkkkkkkkkkkks.  Ok so initially I'm laying in his lap wearing lazy black boy shorts. He is stroking my back and talking and as I look at him his face is literally filling out and getting darker while I watch.  Facial hair grows in, hair gets darker and thicker and it feels like he's elongating beneath me.  He reads my face and says shh don't worry and something to the effect that I'll fuck you soon and smiles that smile at me.  I giggled and let him play in my hair and caress my skin while he kept telling me whatever else he was saying.  I woke up most decidedly alone and in my grandma nightgown and panties. I'd like to say I came in my sleep because that can happen but in this case I was just confused. 

And apparently I'm being slow again as AA (old PP, not the one that was just discussed) once told me.  I don't ever assume a man is interested in me or wanting to be more than a fuck buddy if they don't say so.  I am missing signals left and right so if you fall into that I have been trying to hit on you and you aren't noticing it camp let me know.  My bad but my brain has more boy than it should sometimes and I need direct and logical conversation otherwise I just assume the sex is good so we are all happy.  Oh and just so we're clear saying I would like to see you again just means that to me nothing more nothing less.  If that is code for I am thinking of how to tie you up and keep you then you should definitely say something.

Ok I'm fighting to stay awake now.  I wonder what my dreams will be featuring tonight.

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Let's Play Together

Monday, June 23, 2014 3 comments
She stirs from her sleep and in her normal cat like fashion tries to stretch her limbs and arch her back before she gets out of bed.  She doesn't feel him near her which increases her desire to climb from beneath the sheets and seek him out.  While her body is recognizing a distinct lack of movement her mind has yet to register the reason for that.  She isn't cramping and she isn't cuffed.  Another attempt to move her hands causes her fingers to brush against the rope that is binding her wrists and arms which have been folded in front of her and tucked under her pillow.  Her legs are split open slightly but not enough to force her onto her back as she would have thought given her current circumstances.  Her legs aren't free either though.  There is just a little slack in the rope that has her ankles tethered to the bed frame.  She lets out an audible what the fuck before she realizes he's been watching her wake up and assess her situation.

He smirks at her.  "Such language when I haven't done a thing to you........yet."  That long pause was deliberate.  They both knew she wasn't getting free anytime soon and truthfully she really didn't want to.  She was just caught off guard by his ability to tie her up while she slept soundly.  The next time he teased her about being a cat burglar she'd remind him of this morning. 

She tried to look at him with a pleading pout but that only go a clothes pin attached to her lower lip before she could react.  The pain on her lip as the pressure began to spread made her writhe around and roll over onto her back.  He seized the opportunity to jerk one leg straight and tighten the rope to the bed frame with a few intricate knots.  He cocked an eyebrow and she reluctantly straightened the other leg for him and watched as he repeated the procedure with the other leg.

He ran a finger up the inside of her right thigh at an agonizingly slow pace.  Her skin began to become a series of goose bumps as his finger reached into her pussy to assess her wetness.  "Such a good girl, always wet when you wake up."  He turned his back to her to look over the table of implements he had waiting for her.  His hand never left her center and was languidly toying around her g-spot.  "What should I use on you first today slut," he asked as his voice trailed over his shoulder.


The first person that responds with an idea will direct how the next few paragraphs at least go.  If no one responds our sub will get slowly fingered until his hand can take no more or she explodes after her millionth orgasm.  Night all.

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After the storms

Thursday, June 19, 2014 No comments
So I am laying in bed now.  I've showered but haven't gotten dressed because I don't teach today but have meetings scheduled for later in the afternoon.  I want to get up and eat breakfast but there is a bit of residual horny lingering from last night.  I have to thank a friend last night for keeping my brain fired up while the rain was starting to really come down.  I've mentioned before that I have a good dose of what I can best translate as ombrophilia (an unnatural or extreme reaction to rain or being rained upon).  If I am exhausted all it does is make me go to sleep.  If I'm not it just makes my pussy turn to liquid and I have to masturbate vigorously.  Last night my Hitachi wand and I became reacquainted a few times but neither of which knocked me out.  If I had my druthers I would have been sandwiched between at least two bodies last night.  I kind of needed to be splayed out and fucked into unconsciousness last night.  It was a good storm and I was good and wet for a long time.  I'm not quite sure I'm over it yet but I have no one to torment with sounds of my wetness or descriptions of my orgasm.  And I don't even have anyone to torment me into throwing all manner of convention to the wind and fucking myself until I can barely walk.  I love a good storm I swear.

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Happy Father's Day & other random things

Sunday, June 15, 2014 No comments
So it's Father's Day in the United States again.  This is my fourteenth such holiday without my biological father.  He died just shy of his birthday and Father's Day a few months before I began work on my graduate degree.  There have been years in the gap that have felt like my world was caving in because I missed him so much.  This year hasn't been that way.  Maybe I'm in a better place emotionally or it has just been enough time and distance from that event that I can think of what he would say to me and smile without tearing up.  I can listen to Dance With My Father without breaking into sobs.  I would love to dance with him again.  We're both bad at the others' preferred method but that made dancing with him all the more fun.  It could also be that I have watched my brother grow into the best version of my dad in both his marriage and his family life with his girls.  That makes my heart smile more than I ever thought it would.  It could also be because I know lots of men that remind me of my dad who are great with their respective children and make me a little sad I don't have any munchkins to help buy slightly better than average Father's Day gifts with.  Only slightly cause seriously kids are exhausting and expensive.  Either way I am feeling blessed that I had my father in my life as long and as much as I did.  I am elated that my brother is doing so well with his family.  I am thankful for both my friends who are great dads and the men in this lifestyle who have been good Daddy types to me.  And I am looking forward to the one(s) that will assume that role in the future.  I have always been and will continue to be a Daddy's girl.

Ok moving on from the sappy portion of our conversation.  Please let's have a moment of silence for all the dead kittens that have lost their lives recently.  Yesterday I tried all three of my dildo attachments on the fucking machine.  I think I have to replace my floppy brown one.  It's great in one position cause it makes me feel stuffed and I flipping love it.  But in all others it's lack of rigidity makes it difficult to work with.  The free white dick I got actually does a reasonable job of making me feel plowed but it's not as thick as brown and it's not curved like the purple one which just so we're clear is heavenly.  I played with the white one longer than I thought but it wasn't hitting the one spot that the purple one does because of its curve.  It is more of a g spot dildo and I felt myself creaming all over it as soon as it got up to speed.  I was blasting music after cleaning and before my shower so I let the machine dance on the higher speeds.  Oh my fuck it was delicious.  The other thing I have noticed that I can't tie to anything really is increased sensitivity to my clit.  For the last few months when I am not stressed out or sick the minute I step into the shower my fingers go to my pussy.  A few quick rubs over my clit and I am having a tiny orgasm.  I had a few this morning with absolutely no effort.  Just a quick rub and body shuddering orgasm.  Since my shower time is not over (it's hair wash day) I am certain a few more kittens will leave this earth in the next hour or so.

Beyond that I'm feeling kind of domestic today.  Well lately.  I couldn't tolerate being a housewife if I'm honest but I like the modern version of a 50s housewife.  I'd love to come home to make him a nice stiff drink after I've freshened up and before I start in on his dinner.  I want the dynamic that in my brain reinforces my submission because of it's very nature and expectations.  It compliments the Daddy/babygirl dynamic to me quite well but I could be wrong.  Anyway, dinner is marinating now.  I figured out a new way to saute my onions last night and I have a better idea of the shape of eyebrows I want now.  That may not seem like anything valid but it goes along with keeping myself presentable.  I've also been upping my water intake as well to help with my skin and weight loss.  Must get back on the grind soon.  And much to my surprise the callas that I planted at home sprouted before the ones at my office and there are now two white bulbs peeking out at me.  I cleaned up the bedroom, got rid of more junk, put on the sheets that appear to work better on my slightly oversized mattress after I flipped it yesterday.  I also changed out all of the pillows for memory foam models.  I slept great last night.  I just need to finish my hair so I can sleep really great tonight.  Enough of my babbling.

How are you doing today?

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Subdrop, Reading, Friday the 13th and other random things

Friday, June 13, 2014 No comments
So this post is going to be scattered.  I know it may not make sense to anyone but me but that's your fault for stopping by lol.  No really I like it when you visit and tell me what you think even if you think I'm totally nuts.

I had a great weekend last week.  If I didn't have to rush back to work I would have spent Monday basking in what had happened and taking stock of it again.  You seriously don't know how great it felt to be used again.  Apparently neither did I because for the forty eight hours immediately following it I was on a high.  49 and a half hours or so later I crashed.  Not super hard but hard all the same.  This wouldn't be a huge deal but I've never had subdrop in my life.  emperor was attentive when we played even if he managed to bruise the heck out of my chocolate behind.  I never actually got to play with RS and Good Nhyte and I didn't play very often and when we did he was good about taking care of me.  We did live together so that helped a lot.  Having left both of my outlets for domination and humiliation hundreds of miles away I guess I hadn't fully thought through what it would be like to come down from that high on my own.  I have since started exploring what that means for others and what needs to happen to prevent it in the future especially since none of my current potential playmates are even remotely local.  Turns out everyone keeps recommending chocolate so yeah not gonna fight them on that lol.

That subdrop exploration has led me to a variety of other things and I have to say I haven't read much consistently as it relates to my submission.  I tend to read up on the things my Dom is interested in to see if they mesh with me at all.  I read about the random things that intrigue me from erotic novels.  And every blue moon I'll stumble on something random and get engrossed but just in how to improve as a submissive and what matters to me hasn't charted very often.  I spent the last hour or so actually looking at some of the groups I'm in on Fetlife and looking at the conversations that were intriguing or important to me.  Turns out a lot of folks have already asked all the things I want to know and have put in some good effort into getting those question answered.  I want to stock a toy bag now.  And I need to explore not only why I haven't set up a safeword with a Dom or feel that I probably wouldn't use it anyway.  I am of the if that shit hurts say that shit hurt mindset most days so that could be why.  The issue there is if I'm not connecting to the pain yet like with PP who went from chatting to fisting in a nanosecond and I didn't even process that kitty was mad until I got in the shower and yeah that bitch was PISSED lol.

I've been considering finding a mentor and no one seems to be encouraging of that and are suggesting just reaching out to other subs instead.  That's an idea but I know where I am in my growth process and I think a mentor would be good except one that would trying to fuck my throat a la some advice I was given when I asked about it.  I am working that out still.

Today is Friday the 13th and while I'm not superstitious really I can say that since Tupac died on Friday the 13th when I was in undergrad I have had some ridiculously good days on the much dreaded day.  Today I got 15 percent off some needed car maintenance.  I ran to a few stores, caught things on sale and let the Soma lady help me find new bras to shape me into a full C underwire that doesn't poke me.  I saw Belle, think I should read the book.  Got mom some cheesecake, PF Changs, drove like a maniac and came home to chill.  Which is what I'm doing now.

However about two days ago when an insomnia fit overtook me yet again I busted out the Attache from Orgasm Alley and let it pummel me.  I came a LOT and repeatedly.  I stopped about 30 minutes after I started but only to grab the Hitachi Wand and set up the camera so I could send the video to someone that would really like it.  I love that flipping thing.  Best present to myself like fucking ever.  You won't be confused into thinking its stroke is like the average man and his tempo changes and swelling when he's excited.  But oh my damn when you get the right angle and right speed the same panting, cursing, begging and cumming are all present.  If you can test one out please do.

How goes life where you are folks? 

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Unexpected Blessings

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 2 comments
So it's been a while since I posted.  After my last semi smutty post a lot happened.  I was in gear for my kinky vacation and was thrown a curve ball when my intended PP told me they likely wouldn't be available the entire weekend.  Well that sucked and I'll admit to being more than a little frustrated.  I even looked at replacement options for PP but really I wasn't in the mood to break in a new playmate so I wasn't searching too hard on that one.  I regrouped, opted to drop a few things from my luggage, packed the condoms and Hitachi just in case I was playing alone the whole weekend, and then scheduled a massage after confirming lunch with an old friend from college.

My flight was uneventful even if it took forever to get picked up and checked in to the hotel.  After realizing my friend was on the other side of town we put off lunch till maybe dinner or lunch the next day and I went off for my massage.  It was FANTASTIC, loved it, would have packed him up and brought him home if possible.  As I was heading into the massage I got a text from PP who was somewhat free that evening.  We did catch up, drank a bit and then, like normal, I was suddenly naked and PP was suddenly giving me a great impression of tall, dark and mind fuck.  I won't get into details but I was so sore when he left that the water from the shower made me scream out. 

green lantern traveled in with unexpected gift number two who for the purposes of this posts we'll call Hungry PP.  They got there in time for us to head over to the play party which was small and folks were quite friendly.  After giving my best school girl impression, watching green enjoy a lovely flogging, grabbing a bite to eat and heading back to the room I was pretty sure it was bedtime.  HPP was not of that mindset lol.  For the next three hours I was sucked, spanked, licked and fucked until I must have fallen asleep.  I was allowed about 90 minutes of sleep before HPP was ready again and we kept that up off and on till I showered and left for the airport a few hours later.  I was sore until this morning.  Considering I had no plans on getting fucked at all after Tuesday coming home with sore muscles and throat was not anticipated and a wonderful add on to the short trip.

I learned two things this weekend.  Well maybe more than two but two for sure.  One: people are capable of surprising the absolute hell out of me and actually become briefly that kind of person that makes me wet and weak and whimper and wanton.  Two: Dutch Dom had been trying to explain to me that some of the things he wanted to do to me were not about me or my pleasure.  If I enjoyed them that was fine but it was really about his pleasure and his want.  Well HPP drove that point home and then some.  I have been wonderfully blessed to know a number of men who were not only gifted at eating my pussy but who seemed to relish it and could stay between my thighs as long as I'm able to withstand it.  However, after so many convulsions I either would be trying to suck them down my throat and push them away from me or be so wet and sticky they felt a need to fuck me.  Being pinned down and tongue fucked repeatedly literally blew my brain.  I got to return the favor and a few nuts later I was pinned into the bed again lol.  Some combination of that happened until I left and I will say I greatly greatly enjoyed the experience very little of it felt like it was about what I wanted versus HPP getting as sated as possible before I left. 

If I could have gotten some mix of the two for the next few days that would be flipping fantastic.  To be honest I haven't been used in so long that I was probably about yeah close to being prostituted.  If PP had returned in the middle of the night with his friends I would have let him/them do whatever the hell he came up.  When, I found out he wasn't going to be available to hurt me on Saturday I was a bit disappointed but as he threw off my game Friday I was ok with that on one hand.  I was people watching and taking in the copious amount of breast and nipples that were on display.  I'd totally be a dude if it meant I had more access to breasts but really I have my own and girls tend to let me lick or touch them without it being a terrible issue.  I was enjoying the scenery so much that I was clearly sticky when I went to the restroom right before we left.  I was sure I was going to stain my Donna Reed skirt on the way back to the hotel cause there were visible cum stains in my ruffled panties. 

It was a much needed excursion, distraction, and orgasm filled weekend.  I also learned that a VERY old playmate is holding on to something that just makes me giggle now.  That's for another conversation though.  The next question really is who gets to play with me next: Dutch, PP, HPP or another lucky man who can make me weak when he makes me hurt?  Any guesses or suggestions?  I know what I want but that could be super complicated to pull off lol.

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