My Neck is Bare

Sunday, November 29, 2015 No comments
If you know my relationship status that may not strike you as odd.  After all single girls don't typically wear collars proclaiming their availability.  But for me the lack of current adornment would typically send me into a tailspin.  For those that don't know I lost my father when I was barely 25 years old.  It was the total opposite of fun and the worst part about it was I knew it was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it.  I had been dreaming for months that I would be spending the last Christmas of my life with my father or that I was sitting in the hospital with my mother while waiting to find out if my father would be okay--that was trippy since my parents divorced when I was eight and up until a few months before he died lightweight hated each other.  The problem really was that no one knew what was happening with my father.  Getting him to the hospital and fighting with the doctors didn't help.  When he realized he was dying, he sat me down and told me how to take care of things because my brother's wouldn't be able to do it.  I knew that was rough for him as it was rough for me.  I was my dad's only daughter and if you listen to my brothers I was spoiled beyond belief just based on that fact.  I can cop to being spoiled but my father was my best friend so it was an equal opportunity spoiling.  Dad had special desserts (banana pudding sans the bananas with extra cookies or pecan pie with extra pecans and 1/3 cup less sugar cause he didn't want it that sweet) and well marinated steaks and back walks a la The Jeffersons when I was home.  He was my buddy and I treasured all the time I spent with him and everything that he ever gave me.  Which brings me back to my bare neck.

For most of the time since I have worn a random trinket he bought me when I was very into Chinese astrology on a silver chain.  I have gone through many chains in fifteen years.  The last one broke about a week ago when I was in the middle of making cookies for the holidays.  I bought a warranty for it so it's being repaired but it won't be back for a few more weeks.  Since I wear no other jewelry really my neck is just there and flashing its nakedness.  I'm not sure if I hate it or if it has been freeing.  There were moments in the last fifteen years when I would literally get out of my car and go back to my bedroom to get my necklace.  Days that I couldn't do that or forgot until I was in the middle of other things I would have some of the worst days ever.  That charm was my protection, my reminder that dad was looking out for me, comforting.  It would pain me to not wear it.  I am not feeling pained right now.  And I haven't gotten to the point that I'm taking the charm with me constantly.  I don't know if that means it's time to let it rest or add the charm to my life in another way.  I have been touching my throat more than I normally would which has been disconcerting.  I know that the lack of necklace doesn't mean dad isn't still in my heart but it's odd to not have something that has been so close to me for so many years.

I gave some thought to this being deliberate so that my neck is free for the next protector and His charm to take the place of the one I chose but yeah I don't really like that idea lol and due to 80 million things collars aren't really the best way to show ownership of me.  All I know is right now I'm painfully aware that I don't have a few ounces of silver around my neck and I miss my dad all the more because of it.  Good night everyone.

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The more things change

Sunday, November 15, 2015 1 comment
So a year ago I wasn't sure what to do with my submission and who if anyone to explore it with.  A year later I can't say I'm that far advanced in that deliberation.  However, one thing has crystallized in that time frame and that is maybe my metrics for making that decision have to evolve, grow and change.  I've mentioned before on how much I do not trust overt shows of emotion.  They have made me anxious and I figured out why within the last few weeks.  The men that say they love me and want to be with me forever have not kept their word.  So yes I hear the words but at this point they mean little to me because of past history.  So it's not fair to the new folks but at least I'm aware of it so I can attempt to change how I react to them in the future.  That also means not giving so much weight to lust or the frenzy that it can create in me.  That frenzy seems to change my brain chemistry and before I know it I'm addicted to whomever is creating it and will modify my life to figure out how to get another fix.  I went looking for THIS SONG to illustrate my point with the lyrics that lead into the chorus but I clearly didn't remember the end of the chorus.  For those who don't want to click and listen, here's the lyrics in question:

And if you said this life ain't good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Because you're so smooth
And it's just like the ocean under the moon
Oh, it's the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth, yeah
Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it

I can admit that my concept of love typically involves a level of pain and suffering so easy relationships throw me for a loop.  But truthfully I'm flexible to a fault when I'm overly invested in a relationship.  Which is just fancy talk for when I am ridiculously in lust with someone.  The problem with that is lust rarely leads to love and lust alone can't sustain a relationship.  Well not a long-term one based on more than physicality.  And as I am embracing all these other changes in and about my life it's time to think about lust being the basis of a long-term situation.  I'm not there yet but I'm walking in that direction at least now.  We'll see if this is a change that sticks or not.


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Pour Out a Little Licka for Naked Sunday

Sunday, November 01, 2015 No comments
My quiet existence as a sorta single gal will end this weekend when the creature that birthed me, that causes me undue stress and has somewhat single handedly created a situation in which I will always be single returns from visiting my brother and nieces.  Granted I know she has to come back because I am her primary caretaker.  If she stayed with my brother he'd end up getting divorced because she and my sister in law are both just a bit on the fucking crazy side.  But that also means for the vast majority of the year (even when she's gone if I'm being honest) I get to deal with the the wonderful crazy shit that is my mother.  Like requesting a quote for an addition onto the house, a fence for our giant yard and a garage that connects to both of them and expecting it to be around 25 thousand tops.  Cause that would happen right?  Only in crazy lady land.  I was trying to help her disturbed and CHEAP behind out with the Christmas ticket and she acts as though I just asked her to sacrifice one of the grandchildren.  She wants to see them and not see my sibling and his wife and somehow include a trip five hours a way to spend a day or two with one of her siblings and make it home from some undetermined point.

That would have been enough adventure for today but another incident popped up between friends and somehow I'm still involved even though I'm no where around and should have had no bearing on a damn thing that occurred with them but hey I'm super influential right lol.  I shared my thoughts with both of them at the same time which we have rarely done at least on a honest basis as of late and hope they figure out that situation sooner as opposed to later.  It reminded me of things that I don't find super enjoyable about the lifestyle when the relationships aren't one on one or because of the volatility of them what happens when an old partner is confronted with a new relationship.  That may be why I've always tried to fly under the radar or maybe not but shit poly tinged things are fucking complicated and I'm not sure I like them.  It also made me a little annoyed on two levels.  These things keep happening cause they get to go to events together.  They live in proximity to ones that can be primarily the brown kids and not a bunch of other folks so yeah kinda hateful on that fact.  The other thing that annoyed me is this felt all like a HS following out.  Tired of that too.

I updated my Fetlife support to Lifetime primarily because over the course a few years you'd pay that out with six month billing.  Plus I keep coming back even if I get frustrated sometimes.  I got a lot of grading done and a plan for classes tomorrow.  I need to get another project checked off and then I'll be heading to a work conference at the end of the week as my last bit of freedom before the mummy returns.  I seriously don't want to cook tonight either but I need to prepare breakfast for the rest of the week and ordering a pizza is a pain since I can only get the diet crust when I buy a large one.  Plus I'm trying to stick to the meal plan as much as possible as I try to hit the gym more regularly.  Okay I'm done bitching mostly.  I will miss being super naked for 24 hours solid.  All good things must come to an end though right.

Oh and the birthday function I am thinking about scrapping.  I may do like a friend and just put 40 things on my list to do the year that I am 40.  The level of depravity I want requires some specific players and well I don't have a teleporter so it won't happen anyway.  Have a good Sunday all.

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It's Good to be Naked

Sunday, October 25, 2015 1 comment
You know we are probably not naked enough as adults which is why it's so freeing when we can just be butt naked all day long.  It's Naked Sunday so I did everything I needed to do today naked save take out the trash cause that would be awkward and potentially public lewdness or something--plus it's cold outside lol.  Anyhoo, I've made meals, watched tv, played games and made a lovely video courtesy of the fucking machine or with the assistance of the fucking machine with a guest starring appearance of the magic wand.  Woosah it was a good day.  A good naked day.

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Home Alone, Not Quite Naked

Saturday, October 17, 2015 No comments
So the last time I was home alone was months and months ago.  It was great but never enough I swear so it is with great pleasure that I can announce I'm chilling alone again for the next 30 days.  So there will be a return to Totally Naked Sundays.  Now that I've rested from the ridiculous amount of prep that goes into getting her ready for her trips and the long drive back and forth to the airport I am looking forward to being unclothed again.  I ran some errands, did some laundry and laughed at the internet.  Tomorrow I'll restart the diet and get back to real life responsibilities.  Today was the last of the cheat days so I'm ready to get back to work on getting pinup or maybe rope bunny cute lol.  I miss rope.  Le sigh.  Beyond the impending full day of nakedness I'm thinking a lot like normal.  Some of it has been inspired by Fetlife posts but it's had me evaluating who I really am as a submissive.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last year and a half and I am amazed at the person I am now and the boundaries that felt impenetrable at one point that are gladly explored now.

There were lots of reasons why we didn't explore heavy play when Good Nhyte and I were together, most of them great reasons not to go there, but now that I have I feel like it would be difficult to submit without the promise of that at some point.  I've always liked feeling confined in whatever way that could be done but feeling rope on my skin, my body pinned in a certain position, my ability to remove freely restricted and it takes me to this almost immediate happy place.  My breathing slows, my mind clears and I'm naked without needing to take off a stitch of clothing.  I exist to explore that space and whatever desires the nice person tying me up has in store.  Apparently I'm a squirter and with the right prompting or prodding or poking lol it just starts to happen and I really only notice because there shouldn't be that much moisture there.  I'm better than I thought I'd be at handling certain poly relationship situations but it's not my forte as of this moment.  I can be spurred into jealousy and not a lot comforts me in those moments but I know rationally that folks have told me that regardless of what I think they still desire me for reasons that are wholly separate from anyone else.  But more than anything on the kink side of things I've figured out I enjoy the depravity, the degrading, the objectifying moments/thoughts/whims/wants/daydreams/fantasies/etcetera of Dominant men primarily but I guess the same thing could happen with a Dominant woman.  I've also learned that sometimes I just need to shut up because my opinion won't change someone else and their thoughts on life more than likely.  I'll share a bit and then keep it moving--that is major for me you just don't know lol.

While learning all of that would be fantastic for anyone I've figured something else out that could have been why I didn't fully succeed in other D/s dynamics.  I have been open and exposed and to use that phrase in a new way naked in ways that I have never been prior to this last 18 months.  I am flawed and weird and needy and horny and lusting and a great big old slut (well I knew that but I had been keeping it in check mostly because it seemed like I was supposed to and because my partners were not super keen on sharing me).  In short, I have been vulnerable in ways that are typically very uncomfortable to me and for me and even as I've been proceeding slowly and cautiously I have shared pieces of myself that I normally keep in check for my own protection.  I'm not sure why I'm willing to leave that safe space.  Maybe because I haven't gotten what I apparently needed in that space.  Stepping out may do nothing but allow hurt to visit in a different way but I don't think it will result in just that.  I feel inherently different than the girl I was in 2013.  I'm still a girl exploring things with the right person for a change I hope.  My study skills have picked up if nothing else lol.

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These Are Not My People

Thursday, October 08, 2015 No comments
I'm going to be super random so forgive me if you're new here.  Do you like Batman?  I don't mean the men that have played Batman (Keaton, Bale, Clooney, Kilmer) in recent history.  If you do then you have probably seen all the movies and discussed their good points and bad points.  As I was reading Fetlife again tonight I have had a conclusion reinforced for me.  I know that some of my folks are there and if we could just hook up we'd have a grand old time.  The problem is there are all the other folks in the way with all of their "interestingness."  Yeah I know that isn't a word but it's a fit for what I'm seeing.

Folks complaining about their inability to complain without having threads closed.  Folks imposing their weirdness on unsuspecting inboxes.  Folks irritated about the current state of BDSM and looking to assign blame to all manner of malcontents or in general folks they don't agree with.  Folks who can't seem to tolerate even a bit of dissension if it flies in the face of their carefully laid daydream.  A reemergence of the One True Way crew.  I rarely have extreme opinions that I'm not willing to at least hear someone else out on before I move on with my day.  It's getting harder to stumble through the morass of not my people for the fleeting moments of that little group of aliens are clearly my people and are waiting on me to come home--or at least the portion of the planet people like us can fully kick it in.

To be clear this is not just an online/Fetlife issue.  As I look around offline there's a lot of the same things happening.  I have noticed myself withdrawing from all of the noise again, which I seem to need to do more often than I used to, just so I don't snap at the sheer volume of stupidity.  Off tangent a commercial from a new Oprah Winfrey project just went off with her voice asking--what do you believe?  I believe that O is the anti-Christ.  Really how does a poor black woman from the country become one of the most powerful humans on the planet?  How does someone whose name was misspelled on her birth certificate, per her folklore, gain so much clout that she creates her own financial impact?  Something ain't right y'all I'm just saying.

Back to my point.  My people are just as sheltered or hidden as I am.  They peek their heads out to give me hope that I am not Leela from Futurama and I'm the last of my clan.  I'm super tired of looking for them though.  I'm going to wave at those that look promising and give a nod to those that seem to need it when I recognize my people.  But I'm super done with trying to hunt them down.  Be sure to knock and I'll show you the signal.  Can't have my people locked outside when we got snacks inside.

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At what cost?

Sunday, September 20, 2015 1 comment
So last night I planned on going to bed earlyish for me but when I logged off I couldn't sleep.  My mind started churning about 50 million things as it is want to do in the middle of the night.  But this was all propelled by what I was doing right before I logged off.  I was tired but not sleepy so I tried to do what normally works, masturbate and pass out after a nice hard orgasm.  Yeah that didn't work really.  Primarily because I've been horny as hell the last few days which isn't totally abnormal for me but as a result I've been getting off a lot the last few days.  Off tangent: my new toy is flipping amazing and has been part of the impetus of all these orgasms.  Anyway, as the orgasm sleeping pill didn't work I started pondering the woman I had been watching on screen as I joined her in orgasm--Sinnamon Love.  Now for those of you that don't watch much porn (ROFLMAO no idea how you got here but still) she was a prolific Black porn star for quite a while.  Definitely during the time frame I was consuming most of my porn.  She wasn't my first female porn star crush, that was most definitely Dominique Simone, but she was one of my longest because she didn't seem to be anything but natural and enjoying her scenes.  Not to mention she was also one of the first women I saw doing fetish work of any kind that made something stir in me so yeah she definitely left an imprint.  I'm not sure if you have tried to watch much of the new porn that is being made but it's like new rap/hip hop music to me.  Yes it resembles things that I like but the players are all wrong and it doesn't do a damn thing for me 99 percent of the time.  I'm sure you're wondering what I was pondering at 2 in the morning but it was really how while she's shifted out of performing and into a different reality she seems just as genuine but most of all happy in her skin.  She's a writer, blogger, sex educator, wife, mother and grandmother---her grandson is adorable.  I was think of her from when I saw her first to now and how much has changed for her and myself.

I won't pretend to know her life but it impressed upon me something that I have been debating in my own life.  When you put yourself out there then no one can destroy your life for you.  She had been in a career where we all saw her naked and appreciated her energy and sexuality---as well as some potentially condemning her to hell for it---repeatedly for years.  She discussed being a submissive to her partner and dominating others.  She's been open about her life in ways that I have yet to do with the world.  I know I've said it before that it's related to my job and profession being super conservative.  It's also partially related to the fact that I continue to find work in small conservative towns in small conservative states.  But it's mostly tied up with wanting to be accepted and understood and knowing that those who aren't in the know mostly wouldn't do either of those things.  I doubt my brother would care but his wife is odd and that could impact my relationship with him.  My mother didn't know you could spike a watermelon so being tied up and bound for fun is probably out of her wheelhouse.  My dad probably wouldn't have cared but he's not here.  The only people currently in my life that know are a few of my male friends and other people in the lifestyle.  The rest know about my former hoe glory days--okay may not former but they don't know what I do now--and while never judgmental with me overtly I know most of them wouldn't have gone there even if they had been afforded the same opportunities to overindulge in pretty male flesh.

So what is the cost of acceptance and can I afford to pay it?  I keep struggling with that.  Is it worth my job and the few friends I allow into my circle?  Financially I've done nothing that would make me secure enough to live more than a few months if I was fired because I was outed.  I have to support someone other than me so I have to be more cautious in that respect.  I don't see my friends constantly but I appreciate their love and support more than I state here.  This is the only area of my life that I don't do my normal thing.  I'm an advocate and supporter of the underserved and underrepresented.  I am all about empowerment and being the face/mentor/model what have you that someone needs so that they can also take their place at the table.  But when it comes to this I am not now in a place that I can risk it and am not sure that I ever will be and that makes me sad.  I get there are trade offs and costs associated with any and every part of our lives.  But in all the other ways I can be empowered in other avenues in my life my sexuality and relationship choices are judged, evaluated and typically means I will be ostracized if I am fully authentic.  I know I'm not the only one that has this struggle but clearly it's been dancing around in my head for a while because it kept me up last night.

What are your costs for being yourself?  Can you afford to cover them?

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It's Late and I Am...

Friday, September 18, 2015 No comments
I am awake when I should be sleeping.  It happens a lot though so I'm not totally surprised.  I am listening to the rain which normally makes me sleepy and/or horny and I am neither.  I am annoyed that the event I knew I could get to, because others had been canceled and another was/is badly timed, has been moved to a time frame I'll never be able to attend.  And I've been waiting like several dozen others for the last month for a refund to be processed because the organizers just don't seem very capable of doing anything quickly or with any level of transparency at the moment.  I am a tiny bit jealous of the kinky couples who are curled up with one another right now.  Not because they are able to do something kinky at their leisure but I tend to sleep better when I sleep with someone I care about.  I am wondering when and if I need to bite my tongue.  I am waiting for that thunderstruck moment that just says enough already silly little girl it's time right now.  I am frustrated that I haven't been to the gym this week.  I am glad that my boobs haven't deserted me as I've lost weight.  I am confused perpetually by what I want versus what I need versus just being overwhelmed by emotion.  I am glad that Rugrats on cause otherwise I'd be watching crappy tv.  I am finally starting to yawn.  I am going to try to go to sleep and dream of something ridiculous that I would probably never do because I'd be too embarrassed to ask or engage if I was asked.

I am signing off now....

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Exposure: On Coming to Terms with My Broken Bits

Sunday, September 06, 2015 2 comments
This is probably not going to be a normal post.  It may be more raw and guttural than you were expecting.  So if you need something smutty, click on the writing tab at the top.  If you need something funny or lighter then look for the life is good tag on the right side and click there.  Otherwise buckle in while this rambles on for a bit without a clear plan.

I am or have been struggling a bit as of late.  I have felt fractured.  When I have to focus on work and concentrate on grown up life I am capable and competent and it's great until I'm tired and needy and horny and just need to be centered.  I used to be able to center myself quite easily.  I was blessed with a packed Rolodex (for you young folks think of the address book on your telephone) of willing partners that would be happy to engage in a mutual exploitation fest with me for a few hours or few days until we were both sated and could head back to our respective lives.  I've discussed before why I can't do that now.  But in case you've missed that discussion the thing that I got from my earlier fuckfests was endorphin rush on steroids and a little bit of a psychological hit that I had somehow been used or denigrated.  The fact that I did it to myself mostly by selecting people that would make me feel as such was not lost on me and is why it never had the same kind of impact as being submissive does.  Even if I could be happy with just the rush, and I can't to be clear, my playmates are no longer 15 minutes away from my front door and I can't fuck them until six am and still be functional the rest of the day even if they were.  Plus and this is the bigger issue, I need to submit.  I can have sex without being your submissive but without some breath play or some pain of some sort it's only going to curb the physical need not the psychological one.  Add in a dash of being the guardian of my mother and I've got lots of energy pent up that can't be relieved or directed in the right way most of the time.

You haven't heard me talk much about Mr. Wolf or the Dutchman here.  That has been deliberate.  I am pretty sure I did the same thing when I was struggling to figure out what to do with Good Nyte as well.  When I'm confused I keep it close to the vest.  That doesn't help with the confusion but I don't want to cause anyone any undue distress while I engage in a bit of verbal diarrhea.  I can say this without being confused, I care about both of them in totally different ways and for totally different reasons.  Both are important to me and I am grateful that they are in my life.  I'm not sure I'm adding anything of value to their experience but without them both I would have likely let the site go dark last summer when it was time to renew this domain name yet again.  I am a submissive.  It is the core and central part of my being.  But I seem to suck massive monkey balls at being a submissive in a relationship.  I thought previously maybe it was because I was trying to have the white picket fence thing with my Dom and maybe that just wasn't realistic.  I get stir crazy, irritable and hunger for someone that challenges me in a way that the life in the burbs cannot.  Since we don't have a Stepford Dom machine and I can't do some gene splicing my brain is now hinting strongly that maybe single is my mission with play partners or protectors of some sort.  I don't know but I don't seem to be crystal clear about my role or fit anymore.

And that is because I feel inherently broken in ways I can't fully explain.  I am not one of those girls that ever said bring me a great guy and I'll be excited.  I need a great guy with a dark side who might do something so humiliating to me that I never want to venture out in public again.  I want the power differential to be clear and ever present and the warm fuzzy moments are then icing on the cake.  I've known I was twisted for a long time but now I'm feeling it even more as there is literally no reason for me to be confused about what to do but there is because in my brain things are not quite right.  I'm not sure if I as red is ever comfortable being adored.  red the submissive, the slut, the follower of orders, the receptacle of pain and bodily fluids loves being cherished but when I'm not in that space it's uncomfortable.  I took a quiz on FB the other day about what kind of man I needed.  I was pretty sure sadistic teddy bear wouldn't be on the list but I figured I needed a laugh.  I got one but not for the right reasons.  It came up that I needed an artist, someone with a romantic heart who frequently performed grand gestures and told me often how much he loved me.  If you could see my face now and then I'm sure you'd bust up laughing cause just no.  Sappy doesn't make me happy.  I don't enjoy constant reaffirmations that you love or adore me.  If we're fully clothed make an inappropriate joke, smack me on the ass, say something only I will catch as being pervy and tell me I'm cute.  I will light up and be a happy girl.  Tell me how much you want to be with me and how you see our future and it's not that I'm looking for the closest exit but I don't trust you.You must want something because you are putting on a hard sell and I don't like it.  If we're unclothed and you're inside of me on any level tell me whatever you want.  Naked I lap up the adulation.  It feeds my desire to serve you.  I want to be the best everything you've ever experienced and that stroking makes me enthralled and enraptured and is the closest thing to me believing you mean that when I have to armor up and put on the grown up clothes again.

I know that makes no sense.  I am fully aware of it.  I've mentioned it before but I trust your lust.  Your love, I've seen that be fleeting and misdirected as soon as someone else needs you more, adores you more, or makes you think you're 10 feet tall comes along.  I used to think I'd always be a stepmother because I wasn't sure I'd trust a man enough to breed with him but I had no issues taking care of children he already had.  I'm starting to believe I'll always be a mistress or a third or a backup wife.  Which honestly I'm okay with because I don't know if I can handle the energy of being up front.  Mistress isn't the favorite spot in the rotation for me lol but it's amazing with the right person and when I'm aware I'm playing the role---don't hide shit damn it.  The lifestyle is pretty flexible in what we explore but I know mistress isn't always appreciated.  She's helping him hide something from his wife.  That's true, it is, I can't deny that.  I also can't deny him if it's the right him so forgive me if I go exploring.  Again with the brokenness.  What woman wants to be a mistress but doesn't want it for shiny things or to get him away from his wife?  I just want to be happy and if he can make me happy then I'll probably be there until he can't make me happy.  I'm sorry but at the same time I'm not.  I should feel worse about being in that position.  My father cheated on my mother, my older brother's mother, as well as his third and fourth wives as best I can tell.  Save the third one it didn't work out so well for those relationships.  But I don't want to keep the husband at least not at my house or in my life forever.  Nor do I want him at my place for holidays, birthdays and the like.  I want to enjoy his desire for the moments I can get them. Yeah the more that I think about it I'm good and fucked up.  Marry a man that adores me or be another man's mistress?  My ring finger is not itchy or desperate for adornment.

I've thought about going to therapy but my job and my area would make that awkward.  Don't really want to drive an hour away to be seen and that still may not prevent blow back.  Besides I'm not sure what it would do beyond make it plain that I have issues that I'm okay with on one level.  Actually on all levels.  I like to be hurt in ways that are deeply painful and all at once beautiful.  I never feel more beautiful then when I'm being fucked hard while feeling my breath being cut off and hearing some variation of praise being punctuated with the word cunt.  I used to despise that word so much but now it's like good girl when it enters my ear canals.  I want to be kept guessing in some ways but always secure that my service is both wanted and appreciated.  I want to desire him more than I desire anything else in the world.  Just as I trust your lust know that mine is always directly connected to the depth of my service.  Fucked up girl parade on aisle three ladies and gentlemen.  Poor aisle three--does anything good ever happen there?

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Creepy Commercial Makes Me Think

Friday, August 28, 2015 1 comment
So I know you have probably gotten tired of all the anti-smoking commercials.  There are so many of them out there and they are on constantly.  But one that I originally heard on my way to bed threw me for a bit of a loop because it sounded like a submissive signing over control to their dominant partner.  If you have never seen said commercial here's the text:

"I, Amanda Green, at the point in my life when I'm not a kid anymore. Now that I finally have freedom to define who I am. I hereby agree to be bound by you. To let you decide how I spend my money. To let you set my boundaries. And to come running the instant you snap your fingers. With this contract, I relinquish part of my freedom to you."

I listened it to a few times over the next few weeks after seeing it originally and kept thinking about it so I figured it was trying to tell me something.  And I guess it was.  In no particular order this is what has come up for me upon thinking about her actual statements totally out of context to the cigarette cause yeah I've never smoked anything expect candy cigarettes and they were kinda nasty.

  • Well first my name isn't Amanda Green but it's not really relevant to all of this, just call me red.  And well red isn't a kid anymore but the last few years is when I legitimately stopped feeling like I was a kid.  I still felt immature and not quite a grown up and unable to really say that yes adulthood was in my face and in full effect.  That wouldn't be so bad but I'm a wee bit older than our commercial ingenue.  I have lived and left what I was hoping would be full and fruitful relationships both vanilla and D/s alike.  A million and one plans have come and gone in the meantime because I only saw some things with certain folks and after waiting for one promise to be kept well past any rational point I gave up on baby dream this past fall in favor of taking care of my health.  So yes chronologically I've moved well beyond Ms. Green I am just feeling within the last few years like I'm fully in my skin and loving it 98.9 percent of the time.

  • In terms of my submission, with all of the recognition and realizations I have come to realize I want the responsibility of trying to date like the rest of the world does less and less.  I want to find the man strong enough to make me desire to follow him.  That's a weird thing about me.  The more you demand submission from me, in big or small ways, the less likely I am to surrender.  Wait until I come to you.  Wait until my resolve looks weak or to be wavering.  Wait until I look like I'm on the verge of tears at the thought of you not being in my life on any level anymore.  At that point I will be just like Ms. Green and be happy to sign my power and control over to you.  I really really don't want it to begin with.  I want to be a 50s Housewife redux for the right person.  I'm just not going to fold for the wrong scenario though.

  • Ok she lost me on the money thing.  You may be flipping adorable but my money stays in my pocket.

  • I have watched my boundaries on things I thought were hard limits slip with people who can overwhelm me mentally.  Not in an abusive or manipulative way but with the knowledge and understanding that they see me, all of me, and see when my breath quickens and my pulse races and know that my body is opening up to their control.  I want those boundaries pushed and those that are meant to do so will crumble quickly.  Those that aren't will be respected and we'll move on to new and exciting adventures.

  • I can't come running every time one snaps their fingers but when I can I promise I'm one of the most attentive little girls you'll ever meet.  I enjoy the pressure to perform and the need to please.  I enjoy being literally put in my place and locked into my submission.  I enjoy being able to completely let go of my will, of my other roles, of every thing that is not my dominant and His wishes for me.  That would be the ultimate peak in my journey thus far.  It hasn't happened enough or with enough frequency for me to say more than the few times it has happened I finally felt whole and complete.

  • Contracts are so formal lol but I may be so inclined to sign one if the right situation presented itself.  Right now I just want to know what is needed of me and where I can best serve and perform and I am a happy girl.


Now having broken down a commercial and how it made me consider my submission I can also say that I have considered packing up my submissive gear and heart and saying no mas.  Over the last year it has become more evident that the contrasting parts of me are going to make it difficult to have one person steer and guide them.   I feel like I'm going to overburden any person that tries cause those needs and wants are on such different poles that he would likely feel disturbed trying to keep me in check.  I still want the comfort and contentment that comes from serving but my super realistic side keeps saying get real girl.  So that's where I am now.  Trying to sort out real.

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I hear music....

Sunday, August 16, 2015 1 comment
I hear music and I'm sure you're wondering why I'm making this pronouncement. As I go about my day and I think about my life and the things that must be get done, I hear music and it makes me think of you. Some of it makes me smile and other things make me wistful and other things make me want to molest you. But I hear music and then there is you.

Sam Hunt's deep voice comes oozing out of my speakers and I sing along off key in a full voice thinking of what it is I need from you at that moment and different choruses resonate with me as I stop at the red light and hope no one sees me enacting my own concert in the front seat.
I don't wanna steal your freedom
I don't wanna change your mind
I don't have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

He fades away and another Sam replaces his voice. Mr. Smith croons out words that I adore and mourn simultaneously. I wanna lay by your side as you stay with me but I know I'm not the only one even if no one can love you like I can and neither one of us will see the signs of what is going on. My lips are left in a slight curl as he leaves my head and heart clear and empty and full and longing.

Michael makes me giggle uncontrollably and I am glad that it's a good day and that on some level I may not have embraced all of you yet. Sara tries to remind me that love is still fully possible and I just need to choose better. And maybe I should but I stumble and fall and wish to be as fearless as I try to inspire others to be.
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I don't know where the brave version of me went but she probably is hiding because she's more worried about how the words cut now. Honesty is almost always the best policy I agree but the hurt in a lover's eyes is a weight I never enjoy carrying. And screw the hurt that could come back to me if I let you into that space where you can devastate my peace and calm. And just as my resolve is starting to fade and I realize I'm just a fractured little girl looking for a pair of big strong arms to envelope me and hide me from the darkness something totally inappropriate comes on and makes me smile. Feelings, yes we all have them but not all of them rush over me in such a way to remind me that yes I hear music and if you could dance to the soundtrack in my brain I may never walk straight, be alone, want for anything but a good meal and your hand as it caresses my head.
But where does he think you are tonight?
Does he know your nasty side?
(Look at her, look at her oh)

If you want me take me home and let me use you
I know he doesn't satisfy you like I do
And does he know that there's nobody quite like you
So let me tell you all the things he never told you
(yeah!)

I hear music. All day, all night. I know you can't spend the night due to my life and your life but all I do is imagine what it would be like having you for breakfast. Gladys creeps in and becomes an anthem for three minutes but I'm not your one and only because I always meet you after another has arrived. So when you press your lips to mine the next time remember this girl can be a bit of fool when she follows her heart but she adores you in ways that she can't begin to say. But the music can.
Can I talk 2 U?
Tell U what U mean 2 me
Every time U wander
I'll be your eyes so U can see
I wanna show U things
That I show no other, I wanna be
More than, more than your mother
More than your brother
I wanna be (like no) like no other
If U need me, I'll never leave
I know, that U know, without U there is no me
There is no me
Without U there is no sea
There is no shore
Love is 2 weak 2 define how much I adore
U, child
U, child
The last words U hear
The last words U hear

(until the end of time)
I'll be there for you, baby
(until the end of time)

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Been a little while, missed you guys

Friday, August 14, 2015 No comments
Life has been a whirlwind this summer. At this point I have worked a ton more than I planned, my vacations to Amsterdam (AMAZING) and Toronto (not as much but still good for different reasons lol) have been checked off the list, I have five passport stamps thanks to a canceled flight lol, and for the first time in what feels like a millennia I remembered what it felt like to be kinda slutty. That probably won't sound like it should be in that list but this latest round of my evolution has brought me back to a place of bad behavior that makes everyone else very very happy.

I spent a little bit of time with the Dutchman while I was in Amsterdam and a few days with Mr. Wolf in Toronto. Combining the two of them into one body may kill me but that would be such a wonderful way to die. It's amazing to feel my will be taken from me. Prior to July it had been quite some time since I had been used and manipulated and lusted after openly. I asked to be fucked in front of the ridiculously amazing view in my hotel room and got more than I bargained for in that regard. The same was true in Toronto even though I didn't have a specific request or a great view lol. The intense play just had to wait until after a major commitment was completed. I'm glad that was the case though because I wouldn't have been able to sleep or sit on my ass comfortably had it been constant.

What I learned in both situations is I actively crave being a bit a of a slut. My body has a visceral reaction to being treated like a whore. And the head space that I slip into is just this side of euphoria. I imagine it's similar to what the ambrosia on Olympus used to do to those who ate it. My mind is both clear and gone. There is no clarity except to please and receive pleasure. I love that place. If you could bottle it up for me to use on a rainy day I'd love you forever, I promise. The other thing that came from these trips which were slightly under a month apart is that I used to flit from bed to bed at will. One person was great at oral and toying with my clit until I exploded. Another was a ridiculous pleasure to ride and could fuck my ass so well that I would orgasm from that alone. Yet another was hung like a very well endowed horse and moved my internal organs around so I had fuck him twice in the same week so that everything would be in the right place. Fuck I miss his ass lol. Beyond their varying skill sets I greatly enjoyed the knowledge that my skin had to be plied and pulled and had fluids piled upon it by man after man after man.

In the last ten years I haven't done much of that. I've been a good slutty girl for one person and one alone. I don't think it impacted the relationships negatively. I was happy with those folks and enjoyed being their slut a great deal. I just kind of missed being A slut apparently. So feeling both of them inside of me, mauling at my skin and hurting me so close together has been a stellar moment in my slutty history. We'll see who and what else is out there yet to experience.

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New Books, New Ideas, Itty Bitty Rant

Wednesday, July 29, 2015 No comments
So I have been in reading mode again. I finished Conquer Me which I may have mentioned but if not then I highly recommend it in terms of processing submission and what it means to walk in these shoes. Kacie Cunningham did a great job and it helped me reach out to people in my life in a way that I would not have prior to reading it. She was also able to discuss something for me in well phrase it for me so that I could better explain it and process it. I won't lift her words here but really there are few and far between books on submission that resonate with me. I've tried a few others and they were horrible, I just read one actually and I'll get to that shortly, or were so out of my depth, realm, understanding or desire that it was just hard for me to take anything of value from them. This was different, not as soul stirring as Diary of a Submissive was for me but it wasn't meant to be. It was meant to make you think about submission and your role and how you go about getting what you want and need from a partner as well as maintaining your own well being. Well maybe that wasn't the purpose but it's what I took from it and for that I thank Kacie, her editors, friends and Master for encouraging her to write this and bringing it to fruition. I bought it sometime last year as I was looking for some more material to help me grow in my submission. I guess we read things when we need to see them and this was a very welcome thought changer, thought creator, thought stimulator etc. So as is often the case when I finish reading one good book I go in search of a new one.

And because as I was thinking about it there were not a lot of good books or even books available on the experience of BDSM from minorities, particularly Black women as I am one and have been looking for these stories, I deliberately went in search of Kink writings from that mindset. Don't get me wrong there's fiction of almost every combination but there is limited, or at least I have been unable to find it, real life accounts of discussion of kink or bdsm from an ethnic minority perspective. I kept digging around. Lots of defunct blogs. A few good tumblr pages--interesting but not a book or guide or the like. I searched about eight different ways and stumbled on one book that came out in May so yeah recent is good. Except it wasn't good. It was the opposite of good. Between the typos and lack of content and random photos of famous Black women I was very very happy that I had not paid for the book--yeah for Kindle Unlimited. I hate to mention the title at all because I don't want to knock her hustle. She's at least got something out in the marketplace. However, I may have just been too advanced for her target audience and want you to read for yourself. Gloria Coleman wrote Kinky Kinkster A Submissive Guide to Understanding Black BDSM culture. It's very very basic so if you consider yourself aware of the introductory topics and roles in BDSM this is not the book for you. If you don't and you want some help without signing up for a fetish social networking site then have at it. It's like 3 bucks so it won't bankrupt you but it will not inform any of those but the very new.

That made me start thinking about my own story. Was it worth writing? Could I legitimately work on it and get it out there? Would anyone give a rat's ass if I did? Not a clue and I have made no decision on writing it. I feel like we need a non fictional voice in the gap of information out there. I'm finding myself wanting to do that with my work so it may be spilling over into this life as well. I know others are out there. They live out in the open constantly and I envy them more than you know. But for those of us that need the anonymity to maintain our non D/s lives I don't know those stories. I don't hear them being touted out and about. And to be clear unless you are writing in one vein it's unlikely that BDSM stories will hit mainstream publishing with much force because just like the people who are living D/s on display the rest of the world sees them as too out there and not giving them all the warm and fuzzy moments of a twisted love story.

I am processing way too much in addition to what I've already shared. So I'm going to check out now and get back to letting my brain float off.

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Frustrated

Friday, July 24, 2015 No comments
This isn't really a rant but it may come across that way so I apologize in advance if it does. Before I get into that though, I will say that my trip to Amsterdam was amazing. The city is so pretty and it felt great to not be on any schedule whatsoever. I ate good food, saw things so beautiful that it made me dread coming home and had a view that was out of this world. I also got to spend some time with The Dutchman who was taller than I expected for some reason lol and an absolute gentleman. Well gentleman if you consider my interests but really just added icing to what had already been one of the best experiences of my life. If you ever get a chance to go please do.

You know this is really my fault but I have not been good at making new friends. I tend to meet people through other people. I can easily adjust to new groups of people but making those connections does not come naturally to me. They didn't when I was a military brat and moving every two years. They come even less so now. Despite my on nature when I have to present or do something similar, I am ridiculously shy and reserved when pushed out to do something on my own. I am slightly dumbfounded that I boarded the plane for Amsterdam since I was going alone but talking to people and doing things as momentarily Dutch red was much easier than doing it as American red. So here I am now needing to venture out and make new friends and I am legitimately at a loss.

I had a situation mulling around in my brain for weeks that I ended up asking a group of kind strangers about because I didn't have one person close enough to me, and not involved in the situation, to talk to about it. I have vanilla friends that I could have stripped it down and talked to about the situation but this is something that I wanted the whole BDSM trappings around. I've had one really close submissive friend for a while, you've heard me talk about her on here before, but her life is in full out mode so she's been a bit tied up lately. That leaves me with lots of acquaintances but no other sounding boards. I know it's easier to find some of those people in person so I did what I normally do and started with a quick search online to see if I could find like minded individuals preferably who were also Black and make my car take me to those people. Well if they exist locally they are hiding well because I couldn't find a thing. The closest thing I could find was in Chicago--several hours away--and they weren't any more active than the long since defunct group closer to my town. I just wanna meet some friends around my age who also have lives to protect so being out and about at a local cafe isn't an option lol. Plus I don't like coffee or the smell of it--headache time.

Where are the people with permanent tans all hanging out if they don't live on the east or west coast? Come out come out wherever you are. Say hi. I just wanna chat. And maybe vent when I'm frustrated and let you vent when you're frustrated. I'm more of the bitee instead of the biter so you're safe. See ya later. And if you have any suggestions let me know.

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When you're ready for it....

Saturday, June 27, 2015 No comments
So this may seem like a random departure from the last few posts and it may be but it's still necessary to share with you. I have been thinking a lot about what is next for my life. I'm embracing a million different things because I want to say I've tried or done them. I'm leaving the country soon--actually twice if I include something for work, I'm learning to play tennis, I went back and took more pinup photos, I've lost fifty pounds, I'm relishing all this lovely gray hair and I'm reading more. And when I do that last one I learn things about myself that I wasn't planning on when I picked up the book.

A little over a year ago, The Dutchman gifted me with a copy of Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan. It was like I had been given a shot of adrenaline as I thumb through the pages. Not because it was sexually arousing, I mean parts were but other parts really made me evaluate my submissive life lol, but because it was like reading my own journal if I was more skilled and able to convey those thoughts to others easily. Sophie was a normal girl who liked her men a little different and her sex with an extra dash of something. I could relate to her because I was her save the British and white thing but seriously she could have been my submissive twin. It made me recenter and stop feeling lesser than because I didn't have a "submissive heart" and for damn sure not a "slave's heart." I have a desire to serve one person that can make me focus if I'm being honest. I very rarely concentrate on one thing at a time because it's not enough to catch my attention and keep it. Right now I'm blogging, just put out the mail, watching tv and chatting online. And this is a bit of a slow time because I'm also not doing work for other areas of my life lol. I need the man that makes me willingly strip all of that away and just focus on Him and us. I say all that to say books when introduced at the right time can be crucial for my development and thought process. I didn't walk away from the lifestyle last year. I doubled down my efforts to enjoy it and I have so much. That's part of what created the bucket list and I am trying to work through it now. Anyhoo, back to the impact of books.

The last time I had to do an airport run I ended up traipsing to the book store to kill some time. I picked up some more travel guides about my upcoming trip and then stumbled into the humor section after perusing the fiction, Sci Fi and loosely connected BDSM section. Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson made me crack up and I figured I needed a good laugh as I have been in a weird place emotionally as of late. So I looked around and most of the books were not ones I'd want on my shelf after I finished reading them so I opted to check them out of the library if I wanted to but leave all but What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding by Kristin Newman and Toddlers are Assholes: it's not your fault by Bunmi Laditan. Now the second one is linked to The Honest Toddler which I love which is why I had to buy it. The first though was like a tiny bit of kismet given my upcoming travel plans and general relationship wanderlust. As I read it was a totally vanilla sense of connecting with my people again, very similar to the experience I had while reading Diary of a Submissive. I can't say I have ever been as anal as she was about the picking apart of what I was doing with who I was doing it with but I know that my patterns have been similar to hers in some areas.

I'm not afraid to get married, even though pushing humans out of my body seems terrifying, but I'm also not in a rush to do so either. And much like Kristin I was looking for that thunderstruck moment because it was going to take that to get my attention but also like her I realize that moment is probably a set up. It makes us stick with the wrong people longer than we should because we are trying to recapture that rush. It makes us ignore other people because they never give us that rush. And it takes us having a really grown up moment until we figure out the right balance of intrigue and emotion and embracing of love in a different package. I don't think I've had my grown up moment yet. I'm hoping that the trip helps me really step into whomever I'm meant to be right now in this moment. I've already been a great tart and a great eager submissive and I am transitioning into a more depraved needing of psychological degradation kind of submissive. My picker is still off though. I need to let go of something but I'm not sure what it is. I hope in a few weeks I'll be clearer in whatever that was so I can dive head first into what the universe has waiting for me. What I haven't been ready to envelop myself in and explore. I'm ready to be ready if that makes sense.

Books, tricky little devils I promise. Just be open and ready to hear the message they are sharing with you.

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This Girl is On Tired

Wednesday, June 24, 2015 No comments
Last week I told you I was angry and this week well I'm just tired. I have been busy as usual and between the last post and this one I've hopped four planes and driving four hours on top of my normal working and commuting schedule. And I added in tennis lessons which I've wanted to do forever because I get semi obsessed with the sport for the summer months when most of the majors are played. All in all it's been a hectic six days. It hasn't even been a week yet but provided it doesn't rain I'll get in my fourth lesson for the week and rest on Friday. I'm also going in for a quick wash and set so someone else can nurture my hair and I can sleep good and hard with clean loved on hair.

It's two weeks until my trip though and I'm super excited about that. It will be the first big break of the last full year and it will be somewhere I have to go and enjoy life and liberty and the pursuit of entertainment. As I'm working on getting ready for that and have been reading my book What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding, I have realized that I am one of those people that doesn't really doesn't do what you are supposed to do in the place you are supposed to do it. I'm tired of being that person as well. I want to really experience life on this trip. I want to see the tourist things and the non tourist things. Check out life at a different speed and hopefully have a good time. Well fuck the hopefully. I will have a good time damn it.

And I'm tired of something else if I'm going to be honest. I have really good friends who I don't always reach out to when I should. One of them sent me a box of things she had been collecting for me from events and sent a very sweet note to tell me she was thinking about me. I can fall off the grid when I get busy sometimes which isn't always fair. But there are people that I do reach out to and don't get back the same energy I'm willing to put in. I may pull back but I'm easy to reengage sometimes. Right now though I'm tired of trying to figure out what I need to do with some relationships in my life. I am just tired of not getting it right. So the folks I care about are about to get an overload of red. Everyone else will get super duper entertaining but not effusive red. Folks that I give two fucks about well that's all you're getting so I hope you enjoyed it lol.

On that note I'm going to lay it down soon. Hope you have a great rest of your week and I will definitely be trying to do the same thing. Miss ya love ya and I will be soon singing a love song to my pillow.

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i am fucking angry

Thursday, June 18, 2015 No comments
this will be random as hell and not at all coherent so stop reading now if you are looking for something kinky or well thought out.

this week has made my mind snap when it comes to race and racial issues. crazy broad thinks she can be black because she identifies with black people. when that started depends on who she's talking to but she seemed to remember she was white when she sued Howard University for discriminating against her. then came the inevitable defense of her behavior and why can't she be black and look at all she did for black people. well let's just forget about all the fuckery that ensues from her behavior and give her a fucking gold star for giving it the old college try. after all being a black woman is the best thing on the planet so why wouldn't all women want to be black? well clearly some of you do cause you risk getting skin cancer trying to put some color in your skin but none of you really want to be melanin rich because save the glowing skin you don't benefit the way you do when you lose that color and are just an adorable blonde again. as for the rest of it get the fuck out of here with that bull shit as the kids would say.

the dominican republic is about to start forcibly relocating their residents Haitian descent who can't prove they are dominican. they only have two ways to do that and i'm nearly positive they were constructed because most people wouldn't be able to provide that information. under pressure from outside forces they may delay the deportations but they won't stop them. in the interim the Haitians are being randomly murdered and in one case hung in a public square for everyone to see. some of you may be wondering what the hell makes you mad about that i mean that's black on black crime right? well no one should be kicked out of their home they have clearly lived in for generations but this is being done mostly because of skin tone. those closer to my skin tone are being exiled and hunted and blamed for any number of things that they didn't do. much like they do right here in this country of ours. i had no immediate plans to visit the dominican republic but Mr. Wolf really likes it and wanted to go. my brain can't allow that. yes as he said they are being more obvious than they ever will be in the united states about their racial hatred but i can't see spending my funds in yet another country that hates people that look like me when i've having trouble dealing with the shit that exists here at home.

as i was finally letting that go of my anger at blatant racism and putting that broad into the big box of crazy shit i hear that someone walked into a church, a fucking me church, and proceeded to kill nine people. killed them because they were black, killed them without remorse, reloaded and made someone beg for their life then walked away so that she could tell the world why he came. and MOTHERFUCKERS are this morning saying we need to stop making things about race and he's not a terrorist he's just a confused and clearly insane person. QUIT FUCKING INSULTING THE CRAZY FOLKS OUT THERE. they don't go around shooting people because they don't like them. that strictly some shit that it primarily seems young white lonely men do to make a point, to feel powerful, to be recognized but not because any of the people they target legitimately did something to threaten them. and then the gun nuts come out and say wait wait he didn't have any record of mental illness so his guns were purchased legally we couldn't possibly know he might kill someone with the guns. if you're not hunting or in a war zone the average citizen doesn't need a hand gun. most of us wouldn't have a record of mental illness when we purchased a gun but you also won't report when that snap happens so we can come pick those up and make us all a little safer. plus it only takes one bad day for someone to no longer be sane and then we've got a well armed psychotically pissed person on the prowl.

i am tired of trying to reconcile the actual fantastic people i know with the crazy shit that comes out of the mouths of people that look like them after each one of these things happens. defend and dismiss, defend and dismiss, defend and dismiss over and over again. you diminish me and everyone that looks like me when you defend clearly racially motivated moments in this country and call us sensitive for drawing your attention to it. as best as i can tell the vast majority of you only really like us when you're recycling our style from 5 years ago, we're dancing, playing sports, singing or fucking you. those that are in my circle i love like they are my family. they understand or at least they attempt to without making excuses. their children don't understand the diminishing because i've never been anything other than aunt red who happens to be brown. they are my only hope that we can be better but they are so outnumbered it just vexes me.

and it makes me weary to think that this won't be the first or the last incident like this in my lifetime. there will be another and another and another round of dismissal and diminishing. and i will be on the edge of becoming that angry black woman you like so much in Madea movies. i cried this morning and i'm crying now because i don't know what to do with all of this anger. i am disturbed and unnerved and weeping that in the almost 40 years i've been on the planet i still feel like that small little girl in the back on the class hoping for one friend to really get me. i've had them repeatedly and that could be part of the problem. since those are my people i never paid much attention to the others. the others who thought i was there as part of some affirmative action push. who thought i wasn't as good as they were. who weren't attracted to me. i didn't give a rat's ass about them because i had my people. i should have been paying more attention that my people are a small tribe and the others are legion. yes i'm weary but even legions can be destroyed.

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TLDR or sorry this is gonna be long

Tuesday, June 16, 2015 No comments
I'm at the end of a random day. I went in to my office for some meetings and ended up there longer than I planned. I came home and did my hair which will get trimmed in the morning and hopefully I can get my nails touched up before my trip on Friday. I upgraded my seats on the way up cause full coach window seat is SUPER not appealing just so we're clear. I'll come home to an empty house and then be on countdown until the major travel plans in July. I'm more excited about that than you can possibly know and not for the reasons that were present when I planned the trip with Mr. Wolf. It was gonna be a week long geek fest with some debauchery tossed in with just a hint of sadistic visitor on tap. The geek fest still may happen. As I'm thinking about things to do I realize how nerdy and shy I really am. I'm pretty sure I could be fucked royally if I was receptive to vacation sex. At the moment, I'm more concerned about not being kidnapped or murdered in my hotel room than I am about having an orgasm with company on a different continent. That's not to say it won't happen but it's not high up on my list of things to do honestly.

I realized something else as I was reading the updates from my friends who went to an event this weekend. Save my one venturing out last year at Black Beat I don't really mix and mingle as much as I used to when I was younger. I know I've mentioned this before but the fearless version of me disappeared into the wilderness a long time ago. I can't say I miss her except in moments like this. She'd be encouraging the young man who was fascinated by her nipples to meet her in the lobby of her hotel after lunch and allow him to give them a twirl. If he was able to moisten her panties she'd give him the blow job to end all blow jobs and make him pant after her when she headed back to her low key life. I started reading a book as I was waiting for the Relay for Life to start and it encouraged just such reckless behavior as just something you should do while you are on vacation in another country because when else would you be able to fuck a local with more than likely no threat of it ever tripping you up at home. I agree in theory but I don't know if the brass balls I used to possess will return when I make my connection in Atlanta or not lol. We shall see.

That would be great for vacation but honestly that voice in me is stifled a lot. Not out of fear of being lonely but because it got me in trouble more often than not. I have been known to decimate a room if I'm in a mood. I can create an erection with a few words just as easily as I can deflate it with one look. And thanks to my exes and their oral machinations which I must have picked up through osmosis I have made every woman I've ever fucked just slightly stupid. But yeah I don't approach them any faster than I approach men. It's not fear or even lack of interest totally. I think it has mostly to do with the lack of immediacy. It's easy to be reckless when what you want is readily available and I can be sated or denied quickly. That slow build that distance provides will make me burn longer but you have to work to maintain that and I have yet to not be disappointed by folks not reading me well enough to stoke the flame at just the right moments. Constant flames just burn up all the air around me so that's not good either. For some reason my Uncle's words when he was barbecuing just popped into my head, "low and slow makes everything tender and juicy." Those words taken totally out of context are probably pretty spot on.

I enjoy a good hard fuck just as much as the next girl. I like to be sore and twisted up and gasping for air and water and a break. I love to be fucked slowly, deeply, to have my body contort around yours because I'm trying to pull you deeper inside of me as you whisper all manner of demented, depraved and disturbing things in my ear. I greatly miss being on top of you rocking my hips slowly with closed eyes and stunned by the intrusion of your fingers toying with my clit. That's literally like one of the best things EVER. Ahh talented exes again. Anyway where was I oh yeah. A good hard fuck gets the job done but a slow, luxurious, mind altering fuck keeps me enraptured with you. Low and slow baby low and slow. But the physicality only works if you are nearby or we can make you nearby often. After that you have to take up residence in my brain if you want to have any shot of making me burn.

Alas, that's the most difficult part of the quieter version of me. When I'm not as boisterous or flirtatious or just exposed it's much harder to figure out what you need to do in order to overwhelm me in that way. In my adult life I can say that five men have managed to accomplish that feat. Like one every five years or so but really there was a huge gap between the second and third and not as much between third and fourth. The fifth well he fell victim to the stoked too high and sputtering out thing. Weird thing about brain residence though. The right approach later on may regain you even momentary entrance into the inner sanctum. No one has been able to stay permanently clearly. The other issue with brain residence as well is I can't tell you how to get there. No one has taken the same path to get there. But they all noticed the right thing about me at the time and used it to out think, out maneuver, outrun whatever my hesitations or limitations or reservations may have been. And instead of being upset or angry about being manipulated, which I could completely feel happening, I lapped it up like a hungry puppy. Had they been serving lust in a doggie dish I would have been on hands and knees gorging myself and moaning into the air each time they fucked me like I was a bitch in heat. I can drag an analogy to death can't I? Moving on.

I can't really afford to be reckless these days. Well at least not reckless all the time the way I could sometimes be in the past. But I would like to be slightly less reserved and responsible. I would like to be inspired to pick up and just let loose in a strange place with strange people who are still my people. I rarely see the men that make me reckless anymore. There's one just bless him and whatever cosmic forces made his birth possible cause fuck his skin makes me weak. He's gorgeous and relentless flirt with everyone so of course I take none of it seriously but really his skin makes me stupid. Now that I think about it the reckless ones all had pretty skin, nice tattoos and would make me convulse I came so many times. They were talkers, experts with double entendre and above all never seemed pressed for my attention. That is not to say they were not pressed for that attention. Raw lust is hard to disguise, the lengths with which they would go to the inside of me were more than telling (like the one that got the speeding ticket coming home because I told him I would be leaving shortly, that was a lovely ego boost I'll admit it lol), and the fact that most of them have shown me that these many moons later I just have to arrive in town and orgasms and good conversations will be on tap. That's the level of reckless I allow myself to have now. It's good when I get it but it's not tinged with the edge that I need. That edge is darker than I thought it was when I was being reckless. When I was fucking a dude who was at least a foot taller than me whose dick felt like a 10 inch long Coke can when it dug into me. Felt fucking amazing and is probably one of the only times I can say I legitimately ran away from dick in bed to no avail lol. I'd have to fuck him in sets of two otherwise my organs would be in the wrong fucking locations when I went home. It was also one of the first few times I had a clear understanding that pain could feel good when I was already feeling good. Add into that my ass became target practice when were in doggie style and the line got good and blurred and I loved it. I think I've mentioned that before but I kept up with that kind of reckless, threesomes and foursomes and moresomes because it was the closest I could get to this thing I need now with the people who weren't quite my people. I have yet to put him back on the ex hit parade. Giving him more permission to hurt me may end up with a bitch being paralyzed and that is not the business.

I still have images of my former brain residents more inviting fantasies and displays of aggression and raw sexuality. They can feed my orgasms when I allow them. It's great when I do, the mixture of voices and depravity. Of lust and cum faces. Of fantasies and humiliation. All so good in their own way. All so disappointing in the light of day. They make me miss that other me that just wants to be free and fuck and be a fantasy fulfillment center the way I used to be. That I still might be with the right person pulling the strings. I don't know where to find her though. I'm not sure if it's safe to bring her out to play anymore even if I could locate her free spirited fuckery. Heck if I'm honest I'd be lightweight overjoyed with just the ability to engage in witty banter free and easy like I used to be. If I'm not that girl anymore and this girl isn't quite where I want to be I need to start thinking about who I want to be become. That may be my next mission. Who knows? I'm thinking too much but I tend to do that sometimes. Oh well, I told you this would be long. If you made it all the way down here and have a question please let me know. I keep thinking I'll offer up an Ask me anything moment but most of you wouldn't have much to ask and that would probably just make me sad lol.

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The Smell of Fresh Baked Cookies

Sunday, June 14, 2015 No comments
This post may be a rambling mess so I apologize. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when she tells Angel she's not done baking yet. I used that analogy when talking to Mr. Wolf tonight and I'm glad I did. You my brain can be uber literal and only be holding on to one definition of things. Everyone gets unbaked cookies. Can't be super unbaked cause that will make you sick. For me you can't be overdone cause no one likes crunchy cookies. Well I don't anyway. The perfectly baked cookie makes my mouth water and makes my nose happy. We all bake at different speeds and I'm willing for my favorite cookies to firm up.

Beyond that though there is something to be said for one thing Mr. Wolf does that I don't always, if ever, adhere to which is being blatantly balls out honest and direct. As I have mentioned before I'm great with being direct when I don't want much from you other than a good fuck. The relationship stuff I try to navigate the honesty with the desire to not dive bomb people emotionally. I can be beyond blunt when I have hit the "don't give a fuck" zone. I try not to get there anymore before I cut things off. When I do you'll know but my disinterest can't be masked. I will still help you out and we can still talk but truly don't give a rats ass about seeing you or being gentle with your emotions. My anger and irritation still means I care. My disinterest just means pack up your shit and head on out.

Always trust my desire as it's the most palpable indication of whether I give a fuck. It's that smell of sugar and butter when you walk into the bakery. Ever present when I want you. Absent when I've decided to give you up for Lent. It may possibly return if you're a great baker but if not head down the block. I'm sure someone down that way is ok with overdone cookies and will devour you.

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Just use your fingers

Wednesday, June 03, 2015 1 comment
Whenever you are in doubt
As to what I want and what I need
Default to one standard mode of operation
And you will likely bring me to my knees
Just use your fingers
To be precise the tips of your fingers
With the curly cues and firm pads
You really just need that one part of your hand
Fingertips on my lips
Will most definitely elicit a deep sigh
A tingle moves through them
It's electric and addictive
When it's absent it is sorely missed
I will follow those fingers
In search of your skin
The lighter you press
The more out of touch with everything else I will become
As I start to ride the high
Of your fingertips
As they make contact with my body
Pulling me deeper into you
As they play freely on willing flesh
Massaging my cheek
Full palm cupping my face
As I melt to you
Playing in my hair
Undoing what was carefully done
Dancing on my scalp
As I purr in my secret place
Knowing I'm on the verge of sleep
Or in need of your body pressed deep into mine
Makes me want to dance in your lap
Just with those pointed digits
You can make me squirm and mewl
As my body begins to shudder
Heat rushes in to the places you just left
While your fingers trace barely there lines
Down my spine
From the base of my neck through the curve of my back
I arch to increase the contact
My skin begins to tingle in reaction to the change in pressure
And anticipation of more exploration
But I really don't need anything
More than your fingertips
On my lips
Pressing them apart
Reclaiming each piece of me
As you map out what entertains you most
And I will gladly withstand anything you plan
I will be eager and grateful
Unhinged and utterly at your whim
Please don't forget those fingertips

© red velvet 06/03/2015

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Adam Levine....Le Sigh

Sunday, May 31, 2015 No comments
I may or may not have mentioned my ongoing lust fest with Adam Levine here.  I have loved Maroon 5 since the first cd was released many moons ago.  My visual assault of the adorkable wonder that is housed in frontman Adam didn't come about until the second cd hit.  He was scruffier, he was slightly buffer and in terms of rock star trifecta he was tatted.  I probably had a tiny bit of a swoon when I got a full glance of him.  Little things enhanced that over the years, most notably the interview he did that ended up in an American Airlines in flight magazine of all places where he was in yoga poses and shirtless a lot.  He's kinda beautiful in all the ways I find men attractive.  And yep I totally know he's married and that's sweet as hell but I still wouldn't kick him out of bed--just saying.  I kinda love it when he curses in a song too so This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like a Motherfucker just makes me giggle and bounce and smile and yeah swoon a little bit more too.  I'm going to share the latest bit of sigh worthy material with you.  If you don't have a google account then you may not be able to see this since there's cursing throughout said song and tiny flash of Adam's ass at the beginning.  Enjoy or don't cause you know I will.

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4OvVCNtx2c&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DI4OvVCNtx2c&has_verified=1[/embed]

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Hallo, Bonjour, Hola, Ciao, & Hello

Saturday, May 30, 2015 No comments
Didn't realize it had been three weeks since I posted.  I have had a lot of things jumbling around in my head the last few weeks and work has kept me occupied as have random things that are good for me but eat into my schedule.  I have taken on a few projects that I am excited about and I'm on countdown to my vacations starting.  You read that right, one for fun and one for work at least but that only gets me through August.  There could be others on tap.  I will post my happy dance if there are more lol.

I haven't been posting as much because I'm frustrated.  I feel unsettled a lot and out of sorts and well just plain stupid other days.  My emotions can be all over the place as of late which I don't particularly enjoy.  I feel like I'm a sling shot just jumping around from place to place without much guidance on my part.  I haven't really even enjoyed the rain lately and longtime readers will remember I have a very intense fetish tied to rainstorms.  But here I am now, and it could be because I'm worried about flooding or tornadoes cause it's just that time of year for a large chunk of the country, in the midst of ground soaking bone chilling storms and I'm distracted by thoughts of snacks and sleeping.  I've been sleeping more than normal to me as well so I was thinking maybe my body is slowing down or heaven forbid I'm pregnant--I'm not, took a test to be sure, but seriously something must be wrong with me right?

The only thing that is really different is I for once in the many years this blog has been up haven't been venting my confusion about my current romantic life as much as I have in the past.  I'm not sure if that is because I'm older and don't want an audience but based on traffic there's not much of an audience anyway lol.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm shielding them from the mass ball of confusion that can be my brain.  I know I enjoy them greatly and there are some days I think this is great and wonderful and yeah!  And then there are days when I feel like I'm going to disappoint them.  Not because I'm not good enough or we aren't compatible but because at the moment I'm really satisfied with the level of connection we have already and not sure if I need or want to push beyond that because that's when I tend to screw the pooch.  That's not fair to them though is it?

I used to think I was broken but I think that may have been because I was trying to be like the other girls and really I am nothing like most girls, hell most people.  I'm a strange mix of parts and there's nothing certain about my moods or whims or interests day to day or person to person.  The only thing that anyone can reasonably rely on is my lust.  If it's there then you know for certain when you are with me that I want you desperately.  Beyond that I keep imagining a turtle sliding back into its shell between periods of fun and amazement.  The rain is making me sleepy.  Maybe it's time for a nap.

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Book Review: Anne Rice Beauty's Kingdom

Saturday, May 09, 2015 No comments
So first let me apologize for being out of action for a while.  I've been busy with work and traveling and a host of other things but has been wonderfully interrupted by a random opportunity.  I follow Anne Rice on Facebook and saw a post she had shared about looking for reviewers who were among other things actually involved in BDSM.  I saw it several hours after it was posted so I wasn't sure if I was going to even be considered.  I got an email back shortly afterwards that I would be getting a copy and it was sent to me in enough time to take on my trip a few weeks ago.

I have to say this as well.  I didn't read the rest of the Beauty series before reading this novel so there was some back story that I was missing when I began.  As I was reading it I wondered why I hadn't read them before and then I remembered why.  I was in love with Anne Rice's witches and vampires and the worlds they moved in.  My understanding of BDSM was minimal at best and I literally couldn't understand the motivations to serve.  Hot sexual encounters that push buttons a total check.  The mental devotion not at all registering for me at that moment which had to be I would be fifteen years ago.  Having taken the journey that I have been on since then reading this book was much like reading Diary of a Submissive for me.  Which in short means it felt like coming home in a lot of ways.

Having never read the original Beauty trilogy I was worried I'd be at some significant loss but this book felt like a standalone or rebirth which I guess it was in actuality.  If you haven't read Shakespeare or classic literature in a while the writing will take a short while to get used to but it was delightful honestly (or you think Twilight or Fifty Shades was well written--you should probably skip this actually if you think that) .  I quickly became invested in Beauty and her king Laurent and wanted to see what this adventure would do to their explicitly understood power dynamic.  Without giving anything away I can say that I was thrilled with both of their development and exploration and found myself nodding along often as Beauty struggled to become the monarch she thought the kingdom needed.  Laurent was the stuff of submissive girl dreams all charming and big and quietly dominating without needing to be demanding.

They are supported by a rich cast who I'm sure featured heavily in the original series save Eva who seems to have blossomed on these pages due to her age and interests.  The former Princes and Princesses returning to explore service and domination was slightly amazing.  I can say there was a fair bit of envy thinking there would or could be a place where my only thought needed to be how can I be pleasing today.  Those brief moments I have been able to indulge such thoughts have been freeing and wonderful and what can help push me through the moments that I can't.  And in this kingdom the phrase anything goes would have been fitting albeit out of step with how they would speak.  Dmitri, Alexi, Tristan and all the others explored whatever urges and pleasures that entertained them so if you aren't accustomed to reading about homosexual trysts you will likely be shocked.  All those things that were below the surface in the Vampire tales bursts free and is abundantly appreciated within these pages.

The freedom of Beauty's Kingdom made me envious if I didn't mention that earlier.  The doubts, the encouragement, the love, the lust, the absolute abandonment of the trappings of the "real world" made me sad when it came to a close.  But for all the details and exploring of the physical body the thing that I appreciated the most about this book was what I saw as the mental side of BDSM.  The psychological connection of submissive to dominant can be a unique and powerful thing.  There are those, much as is described in the book, that are just naturally submissive and can easily and readily submit to anyone.  I have never had that experience so reading the tales of those that had to be broken or had to be given to the right kind of dominant force made me smile, smirk and my bottom smart in sympathetic wonder.  For me, and many others, if there is no mental connection there can be no submission.  Watching Stefan transform under the right leadership was amazing and reaffirmed for me at least that love alone can't bend my will.  If you managed to garner my service to you then the love is overflowing and overwhelming as it was with Stefan and Becca and many others.

Even though it's a touch over 350 pages the book felt like a quick read and as I mentioned I was deeply entangled with all of the characters as they progressed through the book.  And even though some things are not at all unexpected as they unfold Anne Rice still manages to toss in a curve ball or ten as you work through everyone's stories.  The end was triumphant but I would love to know what happened to a few main characters after this story came to an end.  Some may say this is just as unrealistic as Fifty Shades but it's really not.  The motivations and possibilities seem quite real in Beauty's Kingdom.  And while both are somewhat dependent on having enough money to provide privacy and luxury the difference is it's not one long mind fuck.  The characters understanding of why they want to serve or dominate are clear and more in line with my experience in D/s relationships well save being naked all day every day.  That would totally rock though.  Their trepidation and appreciation of each other is obvious and genuine.  It's a love story that blends BDSM into itself easily not horribly written romance with a dash of D/s sex to make things interesting.  There is PLENTY of sex don't get me wrong but it seems more germane to the goings on of the kingdom and the relationships and when D/s is involved in those acts it doesn't make me cringe.

All in all I can say it was a very pleasant read.  It made me think of why I submit and what I would do if someone invited me into a world that I could totally surrender.  I'm almost positive they'd send me home or spank me constantly because I think way too much and need intellectual challenges or I become a pain.  But maybe they could use that to the benefit of those in charge.  Either way, if you want to take a mental escape and explore a bit of the BDSM trappings in a well written escapade you should journey off to Beauty's Kingdom.

 

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The Little Engine That Could

Sunday, April 19, 2015 2 comments
Okay people this may be rambling and not coherent and honestly not at all of interest if you aren't trying to make me your doe eyed devoted submissive.  You have been warned.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days and it has led me to something I've mentioned in other posts
lust is what gets my motor running as it were.  What has crystallized in the last few days is it's more than just the lust.  Lust fires it up but intelligence and quiet control is what keeps the engine purring.  Without it then my engine is likely to sputter out and just not give a rats ass when I break down on the side of the road.  I won't torch the car as I walk away like in this video but I'm not going to help you figure out what you did to damage the engine.  That's not my job in my brain.  You're the mechanic.  I'm just a faithful customer.  Well faithful within reason I mean some other engine repair company may be running a special.

Honestly the title of this post was to play on that analogy.  Don't think you can be that man for me.  While you're thinking I can almost promise you that the engine is stalling.  Be the man, the mechanic, the top of line super powerful quiet running engine manufacturer and then watch me become the thing that wet dreams are made of and that you will probably be holding on to the next time you are forced to fuck a basic off the assembly line model.  I'm not expensive to claim but I'm a pain to maintain.  The power of your mind is all I need to get my attention.  But for all that is holy don't tinker with the engine if you give me your best material in hour one and are going to try to coast along on fumes and your cute frame afterwards.  Will I ride that frame for a while?  Well of course good Sir it's a nice ass frame.  I might just ride it till the breaks fall off but after that you'll be abandoned on the side of the road and I'm not even going to look for the AAA card.

Fine tune my brain.  Give it lots of lubrication to switch gears easily and then buff it to a nice clean shine and well you'll be surprised how easy everything else comes at that point--especially me and by default you.  I want to know that you genuinely believe that you can be the man that I need and want.  If you can't or don't then the engine will sputter to a stop like the poor cars in Alaska without engine block heaters in the dead of winter.  The right man for the job always has the right tools and I submit that the biggest tool in your arsenal is between your ears.  The one between your thighs might be nice too but yeah do more than think you can before you reach under my hood and toy with my engine bits.

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Bask in the Randomness that is red velvet

Sunday, April 12, 2015 No comments
I cannot begin to tell you where this post is going to go.  That's why it has been dubbed with randomness moniker.  I have to admit to being a little bit giddy today. While I haven't been engaging in it today, Totally Naked Sunday can return for over a month. My mostly permanent house guest is off on her semi annual visit to my brother and thanks to five year old guilt will be there longer than she planned.  I mean who says no to not attending a preK graduation?  Well I would but it's only because the kids are usually not that flipping excited about it like at all.  It's totally for mom and dad but in this case my niece is super duper excited and wanted her grandmother there so win for her and win for me cause it gives me two more weeks alone.

I haven't been engaging for valid and altogether random reasons.  Yesterday wasn't Sunday but I came home after dropping her off, had a lovely orgasm thanks to the fucking machine along with Rob Piper and Veronica Avluv woosah that scene is ridiculous, and then did my hair.  Today I woke up, had to improvise with breakfast because I forgot to take something down last night to cook and have been working on things well for work.  And now I'm chilling as I was dishes, wash clothes, eat a snack and lollygag around until dinner time.  See I told you full of the randomness today.  I'm in a pretty good mood and I'm feeling productive.  I'm not feeling horny at the moment but give it some time lol.

Really though I'm mentally in a happy space and I'm going to enjoy it until work kicks my butt or something causes a bit of random disappointment.  I'm going to try to tackle one more project and then I might get back to writing some smut.  I don't have any inspiration at the moment so not sure how that will work but until then know that red is relaxing and TNS will ride again.  See ya!

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Thunderstorm Funk

Thursday, April 02, 2015 No comments
My brain is a cavernous place sometimes that I don't encourage the average person to try to explore. It's messy in there. It's filled with the odd booby trap or twelve. And I'm pretty sure there's a slightly manic seven year old with some killer baking skills who might feed you till you explode. I'm rambling. I'm going somewhere with this I promise.

So today was mommy detail. That normally means an appointment that isn't what she thought it would be followed by shopping that wasn't discussed earlier but that I work into my schedule anyway and at least one stupid argument because I'm being rational and mom is being well mom. In that regard today was quite like most mommy detail days. The difference would be that I ended up in my car crying while waiting on her because I was frustrated with myself and the situation.

You have no reason to know this but I've been taking care of my mother, well most of my life actually since she and my father split, but in this iteration over a decade. She's still a relatively young woman but because of illness, her own anxieties and insecurities it feels like I'm raising a temperamental seven to thirteen year old depending on the day. Other days she's totally an adult and we have great conversations and crack up about life in general. I love those days a lot. Today like the majority of this week has not been one of those days. And it made me sad and frustrated and cry.

I won't get into all of the particulars but for a decade my life has been a series of adjustments and sacrifices surrounding what I need to do with her. If she was my child I would totally get that and take it as part of the job I signed up for but I so would not have volunteered for this gig. And if I'm honest I didn't volunteer when the situation presented itself. My brother lived in state, had room for her and begged her to come stay with him and his wife. She turned them down and insisted she could live with me and would promise to leave me alone after I got married so I could have a break and my husband and I could settle in to life together. The fact that that makes no sense to me doesn't matter. What good is a few years alone and hitting our routine if she's just coming back. Plus if he can't deal with her upfront then we have a problem because she really can't go anywhere else. I know I've mentioned some of that before but it just hit me again today that THIS was my life and short of a few vacations that I almost always feel guilty for taking there is no time for me to relax and enjoy and hell just have loud messy orgasms when she's home. Again if there were kids involved I get it but no one in this house is under the age of 30 lol.

I am trying to do a better job of managing all of that but it's still hard to juggle. Some of it I'm sure came from talking with a fellow submissive who bit the proverbial bullet and moved across the country to be with her Dom leaving parents behind. I am seriously happy for her I am but it reminded me that for at least the most immediate future this isn't a possibility for me. I slept on that and was good until I was standing in the store arguing about summer robes and why no one had them cause she needed a robe for the random moments it was night time and someone else in the house might see her while she was visiting my brother. I called a friend who told me that I really had to start doing more but it's hard to do more for me even when logically I know she can take care of some of this on her own. The stuff that she can't take care of makes me nervous. In ten years I've seen her memory impairment get worse. And she's had some mood swings that would be depression in anyone else but she refuses to address them as such. She doesn't engender caretaker vibes in my brother or I. At this point, years of unfiltered mommy moments has bruised all that affection. But something there still makes me feel like I have to take care of the things that she can't.

Understanding of the situation has not made it much better. Working out, committing to my job, enjoying life when I can has not made it all better. What I want doesn't mesh with the life I'm living and am momentarily obligated to continue. I am feeling more centered now. And a good cry never hurt anyone. It's just not how I normally like to enjoy the rain. That's for another time and post though.

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