I just want

Wednesday, January 07, 2015
Those of you of a certain age or with certain musical leanings will immediately know where the following lyrics come from.  If you don't know, google and expand your musical knowledge please and thank you.

Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father too bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)


I wrote a paper in college called Elephants and Flowers.  It was for one of my psychology classes and it asked us to detail our lives to that point and our influences and to reveal something about ourselves that we had yet to do.  Elephants and Flowers was a homage to Prince the man who I described then and can still say has authored the soundtrack of my life.  Oh and I told my very cute very gay professor that I was very bi.  Up until the 2000s, Prince had released a cd every year I had been alive since I was three.  There was always a Prince song there to resonate some major life event for me.  When I split with my first Dom Fury became my anthem and his ringtone briefly but I really liked that song so I changed my alert that he was calling to a Jay Z song I hated lol.  Now that you have some back story let me continue.

Those lyrics get sung extra loud and off key in my car, my room, my office if I'm alone and no one is around.  Except I change that *you're just like my mother* line into I am just like my mother.  In about 999 ways I am nothing like my mother.  I listen to different music, have had no desire to dye my hair so people think I'm 10 years younger, I really really enjoy sex (one on one, carefully tailored groups, threesomes, DPs and on more adventurous nights triple penetrations), don't engage in revisionistic thinking about my life, oh and I'll be damned if I don't enjoy a good spanking/caning/flogging/fisting/orothergenerallypainfulthing.  In one way though, I am my mother's daughter entirely (well two if you see cause I kind of look like her clone).  I am just not satisfied.

While in bed that's a good trait for a man with good stamina, it isn't a good thing in other areas.  I've come to calling myself a "lust slut" as I feed on desire sometimes.  There can be perfectly lovely people pursuing me and my brain goes but what else is out there until I shut it up.  Truthfully that hasn't been as much of a problem lately but it was before and I'm sure I jacked up at least one relationship because of it.  I can be serving someone with all of my might and I will think one of a few things 1) I'm not doing it well enough, he's going to replace me, 2) I should be able to do that other thing for him because that's what a good sub does or 3) he's just easily impressed because I suck, not sure why he doesn't see it.  I want to be the submissive he can never replace isn't of just being the submissive he needs right then.

I want to be better and do better and give pleasure and make toes pop--not curl pop.  Swear to God that may be the one moment I'm ever sated.  Not sure what that mental key is but woosah I love that.  I can be having mind numbing sex and what I want then is mind numbing sex that feels like time is standing still.  You don't know how you got into that position sex.  You aren't sure how long you've been having sex kind of sex.  If you could you'd never leave the bed, fuck the bed, you'd never move from being connected to that person kind of sex.  And even when I'm having that otherworldly ethereal cataclysmic sex I wish for pain, for the moment to not end, for something I can't name and can't place but I want it.

And that could be why I get so confused from time to time.  Maybe I'm not capable of being satisfied because I'm afraid I won't be enough.  Of them not being enough.  Or of these moments that overwhelm me when the only thing on my mind is being used and abused by as many hungry, sadistic, lust filled Dom types as can fit on the plane and join me in the nice bondage B&B I picked out for my birthday.  Those moments are infrequent but I know that the only thing that can erase them is being completely overrun mentally and physically.  I want to be so sore that when I get on the plane there is no way to get comfortable.  I want to have my pussy so abused that when I try to touch myself in the shower there's a mixture of pain, ridiculous giggling, and a deep sated sigh.  I want to leave a room full of men passed out in orgasmic bliss.  I mean just having that occur once in life isn't enough.  I'm due for round two. 

I just want a new high.  A new sensation.  Something new to lust for, strive to achieve.  And for a while that will be enough but I know myself enough to know now I have to want something.  It makes me better even if it does make me a mess sometimes.  You'll probably benefit from that desire if we cross paths.  Others most definitely have.  Maybe that's the way to capture my attention.  Give me what I want and make me want something new that only you can provide.  I will be waiting and wanting.

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5 comments

  1. So do you feel it is best to stay stagnant than pursue any and or all that you seek? Or is there a possibility that they all can be incorporated in a way that will work?

    I understand the journey. Seeking things. The seemingly impossible position and solution.

    So you just get bored with them and dismiss them easily? Searching for that next high is so addictive and hard cross to bear in this life. I know it all too well.

    But I am sure your journey and choices will be to your benefit and liking whatever you choose.

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    1. I hate stagnation almost as much as I hate not feeling satisfied. I just don't know what makes sense. It's not bored it's more of a feeling of unrest. It's why I've been so careful as of late. I need someone who challenges me to keep me engaged. Moments of peace are great but push me to be better, for myself or for you, if you really want to make me thrive and be the best partner to you. And to date to be clear I haven't dismissed anyone who wasn't ready to walk away. I'm loyal to a fault and will give people chances to become what I need in that moment. Sometimes it's worked and other times well it just didn't work.

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  2. So you are saying to people they can ride the roller coaster until you feel they need to get off?
    Definitely need the challenges to make life livable and enjoyable. I know it is a serious challenge to keep my interest and keep me happy. But when it is done then I make sure that those in my circle are happy.

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    1. LOL I have never shut down the park as it were. Almost all of my splits came because of a natural ending point. The one or two that didn't were because we just were fundamentally in different places. I'm not sure what I'm saying really. I was venting and frustrated and realizing a few things at the same time.

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  3. Ok. Self reflection and analyzing can work wonders. I use it ever 30 milliseconds. lol
    Vent on! I have to learn.

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