Small Moments

Tuesday, January 27, 2015
As I was walking across the courtyard from one building to the next today I was struck by something. I am genuinely amazingly happy. Happy with my life in some many ways that I couldn't really enumerate them all and be eloquent but I'll shoot for a few and see how it goes.

I was happy that as I took that stroll that I wasn't breathing heavy and trying to flee inside of the building. I was enjoying the cold. I was enjoying the freshness in the air. I was enjoying the sound of my boots on the slightly slushy sidewalks. I was just enjoying a moment in my own mind and what did that mean for the rest of my day. It wasn't going to change things dramatically but inhaling and exhaling newness was kinda stellar.

It made me think about other things that are somewhat new for me like eating well AND working out at the same time. I could do one or the other easily enough but my brain would go of course you can have that delicious foot long hotdog you just killed it in the gym. Or you haven't been to the gym lately make sure those salads are prepped. Truth of the matter is I wasn't as committed to me as I need to be. I may have need accountability but in the last now three months I have dropped just shy of 33 pounds. To be honest short of improvements in how I feel I don't see it as much as other people do. That seems to be normal though. My pants and belts are saying bitch please but I haven't lost and kept off this much weight in a while. I have to see if I can keep it up. For now though, I feel good about life and this journey and what is in store for the near future--like round two of the pinup photos.
And in what some will consider to be a minor miracle I had an epiphany of sorts. Sexy isn't just a size four body in a size two outfit gyrating on any body that comes nearby. Attractive isn't just the stereotypical sense. What intrigues people can be wholly different and that maybe just maybe I might be a source of intrigue. Now if you had asked me to explain that to others I'm so there. Make them believe they are desirable--give me 10 minutes and a laptop and I will have them thinking they are a much better written, with depth and fucking sexier version of Christian Gray...dipped in chocolate of course. But me believing that about myself yeah wasn't really in the cards. I had great moment a few weeks ago when it finally dawned on me it's difficult at best to see yourself the way other people do. Even when people would tell me I was whatever (cute sexy hot fuckable take you pick) I would just assume it was because they were trying to get me naked. And while some may have been others were really trying to express to me that I was what they wanted and I just couldn't accept it. I can't say that men don't ever say things they don't really mean. I can say that I'm accepting that when people say it to me now I'm finally willing to listen. With that in mind here are some not quite coded messages for people that may be intrigued enough to have read this far down.

Mr. Wolf I have no idea what will be ahead but you are a treat and a delight and you should let other people know the sides of you that make me smile and slightly cower in fear.

Mr. Dastardly I miss you and all of the crazy ish we used to talk about. Some days I hate things went the way they did and other days I know they had to for whatever reason. Stop being Houdini and say hello once in a while. Plus you still owe me a date.

Mr. Dutchman you make me lust in ways I didn't know were possible and that makes my brain short circuit every now and then. I hope our paths cross soon.

Mr. Prince you're adorable in a very sexual way. The things I could do with you lol.

Mr. Muse there are days I literally have no words for what appears before my eyes. I'm sure the things that run through my brain immediately after words are likely illegal in some states and countries. I'd love to get arrested.

Ms. Lady and the spoons that love her, you're FUNNY and I appreciate your soul bearing. I won't try to molest you but I might squeeze your boobs--just saying.

Ms. Lady I've known forever, you know since Mariah and ODB were apparently sharing pacifiers. Don't disappear as you keep exploring the world. And let me know if you find someone to wear those nipple shields. Someone should have pretty boobs damn it.

Mr. Revere I had such high hopes for you but yeah you just aren't reliable. Such a damn shame though. I haven't had time altering sex with anyone since you. That could be a good thing though I'm sure that's how you lull unsuspecting uteri into housing your babies.
Life is good at the moment. I am happy and the air is still quite fresh. Not to mention that Salted Caramel Orville Redenbacher popcorn is off the freaking chain.

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