One of Those Girls

Thursday, March 19, 2015
I think too much.  I do it often unless I make myself stop.  I do it even more when I'm not feeling well which has been my life since a week ago at this point.  I want to know the when and the why and what might be better or good enough and when will I be satisfied.  Truthfully I can never answer that question.  I am momentarily gratified more often these days.  Dinner tastes great.  That lesson went well.  My hair isn't driving me nuts.  And then there are the moments that would drive someone else crazy if they actually were able to see the wheels spinning.  My skin is uneven, I like that shade of chocolate there but not this one here, why are my eyes so dark, I will kick your ass in name that tune and Jeopardy and trivia and lots of other shit, my voice so deep, who decided it was necessary for hair to grow on my face, why the fuck is it gray like for real why is this shit gray, am I the only one not watching Scandal or Empire or How to Get Away With Murder, I think grandma was right to revoke my Black card cause soul food is going to kill me and I don't really like it, I am loud, I can be painfully shy, I leave little to no flesh on your bones if I hate your opinion or think you are stupid, then I think damn he's pretty, I wish he thought I was pretty, no I wish he would just bend me over and fuck me into a stupor, where did that confident bitch that used to live here go, have you seen her, tell me if you see her.  Ok even I can toss in a funny every now and then.

What to do when you think too much should be an ongoing theme here as it ebbs and flows and is pushed and pulled by so many little factors in my life.  What I'd like is a magic little phrase or pill or better yet cookie that turns my brain off sometimes.  Thinking about every little thing is mind numbing and can cause a kind of paralysis which makes nothing good come to pass.  Girls with big brains, I am guessing the same would happen to men in the same situation though, can be our own worst enemies.  There are days that I long to be swept off my feet and wrapped up in the wonder of a man with stronger Jedi mind tricks than my own.  The problem is eventually I start to look at the relationship like a giant chess match.  When he slows down, my hand starts hitting the timer faster and faster and before long he's been checked so we won't be mated and I'm bored again.  I know I'm too rational for most.  If I let myself love you then rationally I know you will likely hurt me so if at all possible I'll play out the mental chess match quickly and avoid the emotional baggage.  I don't have a remedy for that though.  I don't have a switch in my brain yet that says too much thinking enough already.  Then again that wouldn't be a switch it would likely be a steam whistle because my brain got overheated but yeah its not there either.

So it keeps coming to the fore that I am one of those girls that is enamored of so much that is girly and feminine but who yet to nail just being in the moment and experiencing life and love and adventure without overthinking it.  I am a master thinking too much.  This year would be my year of changes for some of that, it hasn't totally worked but I have bitten the proverbial bullet in a few regards.  I am planning to attend Shibaricon in May.  BlackBeat is out for 2015 so poo but come July I am taking my first international trip as an adult with no familial ties.  I booked my ticket yesterday as my coughing fits started to ease up.  I will book the hotel in the next week or so.  Passport waved at me after the ticket was confirmed so yeah.  I double checked that I needed no shots to make the trip and today as a bit of kismet I found out that my intended destination is one #5 of the 10 safest cities in the world to live in.  I can't stay there but it eases a little of the think too much mantra from overrunning my brain.

You know I think part of me writing is because I can live out whole lives for other people in the space between my ears.  Random bit of think too much there for you.  It came out of no where as I was getting ready to wrap this up.  So it appears that without a lobotomy or heavy drug usage or getting cum drunk (other random insight I think that's why I like that so much) my brain doesn't shut down enough to always let me enjoy and embrace life.  What tips do you have for one of those girls who wants to let go but is cursed to think too much?

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