So the last time I was home alone was months and months ago. It was great but never enough I swear so it is with great pleasure that I can announce I'm chilling alone again for the next 30 days. So there will be a return to Totally Naked Sundays. Now that I've rested from the ridiculous amount of prep that goes into getting her ready for her trips and the long drive back and forth to the airport I am looking forward to being unclothed again. I ran some errands, did some laundry and laughed at the internet. Tomorrow I'll restart the diet and get back to real life responsibilities. Today was the last of the cheat days so I'm ready to get back to work on getting pinup or maybe rope bunny cute lol. I miss rope. Le sigh. Beyond the impending full day of nakedness I'm thinking a lot like normal. Some of it has been inspired by Fetlife posts but it's had me evaluating who I really am as a submissive. I have learned a lot about myself in the last year and a half and I am amazed at the person I am now and the boundaries that felt impenetrable at one point that are gladly explored now.
There were lots of reasons why we didn't explore heavy play when Good Nhyte and I were together, most of them great reasons not to go there, but now that I have I feel like it would be difficult to submit without the promise of that at some point. I've always liked feeling confined in whatever way that could be done but feeling rope on my skin, my body pinned in a certain position, my ability to remove freely restricted and it takes me to this almost immediate happy place. My breathing slows, my mind clears and I'm naked without needing to take off a stitch of clothing. I exist to explore that space and whatever desires the nice person tying me up has in store. Apparently I'm a squirter and with the right prompting or prodding or poking lol it just starts to happen and I really only notice because there shouldn't be that much moisture there. I'm better than I thought I'd be at handling certain poly relationship situations but it's not my forte as of this moment. I can be spurred into jealousy and not a lot comforts me in those moments but I know rationally that folks have told me that regardless of what I think they still desire me for reasons that are wholly separate from anyone else. But more than anything on the kink side of things I've figured out I enjoy the depravity, the degrading, the objectifying moments/thoughts/whims/wants/daydreams/fantasies/etcetera of Dominant men primarily but I guess the same thing could happen with a Dominant woman. I've also learned that sometimes I just need to shut up because my opinion won't change someone else and their thoughts on life more than likely. I'll share a bit and then keep it moving--that is major for me you just don't know lol.
While learning all of that would be fantastic for anyone I've figured something else out that could have been why I didn't fully succeed in other D/s dynamics. I have been open and exposed and to use that phrase in a new way naked in ways that I have never been prior to this last 18 months. I am flawed and weird and needy and horny and lusting and a great big old slut (well I knew that but I had been keeping it in check mostly because it seemed like I was supposed to and because my partners were not super keen on sharing me). In short, I have been vulnerable in ways that are typically very uncomfortable to me and for me and even as I've been proceeding slowly and cautiously I have shared pieces of myself that I normally keep in check for my own protection. I'm not sure why I'm willing to leave that safe space. Maybe because I haven't gotten what I apparently needed in that space. Stepping out may do nothing but allow hurt to visit in a different way but I don't think it will result in just that. I feel inherently different than the girl I was in 2013. I'm still a girl exploring things with the right person for a change I hope. My study skills have picked up if nothing else lol.