My Neck is Bare

Sunday, November 29, 2015
If you know my relationship status that may not strike you as odd.  After all single girls don't typically wear collars proclaiming their availability.  But for me the lack of current adornment would typically send me into a tailspin.  For those that don't know I lost my father when I was barely 25 years old.  It was the total opposite of fun and the worst part about it was I knew it was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it.  I had been dreaming for months that I would be spending the last Christmas of my life with my father or that I was sitting in the hospital with my mother while waiting to find out if my father would be okay--that was trippy since my parents divorced when I was eight and up until a few months before he died lightweight hated each other.  The problem really was that no one knew what was happening with my father.  Getting him to the hospital and fighting with the doctors didn't help.  When he realized he was dying, he sat me down and told me how to take care of things because my brother's wouldn't be able to do it.  I knew that was rough for him as it was rough for me.  I was my dad's only daughter and if you listen to my brothers I was spoiled beyond belief just based on that fact.  I can cop to being spoiled but my father was my best friend so it was an equal opportunity spoiling.  Dad had special desserts (banana pudding sans the bananas with extra cookies or pecan pie with extra pecans and 1/3 cup less sugar cause he didn't want it that sweet) and well marinated steaks and back walks a la The Jeffersons when I was home.  He was my buddy and I treasured all the time I spent with him and everything that he ever gave me.  Which brings me back to my bare neck.

For most of the time since I have worn a random trinket he bought me when I was very into Chinese astrology on a silver chain.  I have gone through many chains in fifteen years.  The last one broke about a week ago when I was in the middle of making cookies for the holidays.  I bought a warranty for it so it's being repaired but it won't be back for a few more weeks.  Since I wear no other jewelry really my neck is just there and flashing its nakedness.  I'm not sure if I hate it or if it has been freeing.  There were moments in the last fifteen years when I would literally get out of my car and go back to my bedroom to get my necklace.  Days that I couldn't do that or forgot until I was in the middle of other things I would have some of the worst days ever.  That charm was my protection, my reminder that dad was looking out for me, comforting.  It would pain me to not wear it.  I am not feeling pained right now.  And I haven't gotten to the point that I'm taking the charm with me constantly.  I don't know if that means it's time to let it rest or add the charm to my life in another way.  I have been touching my throat more than I normally would which has been disconcerting.  I know that the lack of necklace doesn't mean dad isn't still in my heart but it's odd to not have something that has been so close to me for so many years.

I gave some thought to this being deliberate so that my neck is free for the next protector and His charm to take the place of the one I chose but yeah I don't really like that idea lol and due to 80 million things collars aren't really the best way to show ownership of me.  All I know is right now I'm painfully aware that I don't have a few ounces of silver around my neck and I miss my dad all the more because of it.  Good night everyone.

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