The Little Engine That Could

Sunday, April 19, 2015 2 comments
Okay people this may be rambling and not coherent and honestly not at all of interest if you aren't trying to make me your doe eyed devoted submissive.  You have been warned.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days and it has led me to something I've mentioned in other posts
lust is what gets my motor running as it were.  What has crystallized in the last few days is it's more than just the lust.  Lust fires it up but intelligence and quiet control is what keeps the engine purring.  Without it then my engine is likely to sputter out and just not give a rats ass when I break down on the side of the road.  I won't torch the car as I walk away like in this video but I'm not going to help you figure out what you did to damage the engine.  That's not my job in my brain.  You're the mechanic.  I'm just a faithful customer.  Well faithful within reason I mean some other engine repair company may be running a special.

Honestly the title of this post was to play on that analogy.  Don't think you can be that man for me.  While you're thinking I can almost promise you that the engine is stalling.  Be the man, the mechanic, the top of line super powerful quiet running engine manufacturer and then watch me become the thing that wet dreams are made of and that you will probably be holding on to the next time you are forced to fuck a basic off the assembly line model.  I'm not expensive to claim but I'm a pain to maintain.  The power of your mind is all I need to get my attention.  But for all that is holy don't tinker with the engine if you give me your best material in hour one and are going to try to coast along on fumes and your cute frame afterwards.  Will I ride that frame for a while?  Well of course good Sir it's a nice ass frame.  I might just ride it till the breaks fall off but after that you'll be abandoned on the side of the road and I'm not even going to look for the AAA card.

Fine tune my brain.  Give it lots of lubrication to switch gears easily and then buff it to a nice clean shine and well you'll be surprised how easy everything else comes at that point--especially me and by default you.  I want to know that you genuinely believe that you can be the man that I need and want.  If you can't or don't then the engine will sputter to a stop like the poor cars in Alaska without engine block heaters in the dead of winter.  The right man for the job always has the right tools and I submit that the biggest tool in your arsenal is between your ears.  The one between your thighs might be nice too but yeah do more than think you can before you reach under my hood and toy with my engine bits.

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Bask in the Randomness that is red velvet

Sunday, April 12, 2015 No comments
I cannot begin to tell you where this post is going to go.  That's why it has been dubbed with randomness moniker.  I have to admit to being a little bit giddy today. While I haven't been engaging in it today, Totally Naked Sunday can return for over a month. My mostly permanent house guest is off on her semi annual visit to my brother and thanks to five year old guilt will be there longer than she planned.  I mean who says no to not attending a preK graduation?  Well I would but it's only because the kids are usually not that flipping excited about it like at all.  It's totally for mom and dad but in this case my niece is super duper excited and wanted her grandmother there so win for her and win for me cause it gives me two more weeks alone.

I haven't been engaging for valid and altogether random reasons.  Yesterday wasn't Sunday but I came home after dropping her off, had a lovely orgasm thanks to the fucking machine along with Rob Piper and Veronica Avluv woosah that scene is ridiculous, and then did my hair.  Today I woke up, had to improvise with breakfast because I forgot to take something down last night to cook and have been working on things well for work.  And now I'm chilling as I was dishes, wash clothes, eat a snack and lollygag around until dinner time.  See I told you full of the randomness today.  I'm in a pretty good mood and I'm feeling productive.  I'm not feeling horny at the moment but give it some time lol.

Really though I'm mentally in a happy space and I'm going to enjoy it until work kicks my butt or something causes a bit of random disappointment.  I'm going to try to tackle one more project and then I might get back to writing some smut.  I don't have any inspiration at the moment so not sure how that will work but until then know that red is relaxing and TNS will ride again.  See ya!

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Thunderstorm Funk

Thursday, April 02, 2015 No comments
My brain is a cavernous place sometimes that I don't encourage the average person to try to explore. It's messy in there. It's filled with the odd booby trap or twelve. And I'm pretty sure there's a slightly manic seven year old with some killer baking skills who might feed you till you explode. I'm rambling. I'm going somewhere with this I promise.

So today was mommy detail. That normally means an appointment that isn't what she thought it would be followed by shopping that wasn't discussed earlier but that I work into my schedule anyway and at least one stupid argument because I'm being rational and mom is being well mom. In that regard today was quite like most mommy detail days. The difference would be that I ended up in my car crying while waiting on her because I was frustrated with myself and the situation.

You have no reason to know this but I've been taking care of my mother, well most of my life actually since she and my father split, but in this iteration over a decade. She's still a relatively young woman but because of illness, her own anxieties and insecurities it feels like I'm raising a temperamental seven to thirteen year old depending on the day. Other days she's totally an adult and we have great conversations and crack up about life in general. I love those days a lot. Today like the majority of this week has not been one of those days. And it made me sad and frustrated and cry.

I won't get into all of the particulars but for a decade my life has been a series of adjustments and sacrifices surrounding what I need to do with her. If she was my child I would totally get that and take it as part of the job I signed up for but I so would not have volunteered for this gig. And if I'm honest I didn't volunteer when the situation presented itself. My brother lived in state, had room for her and begged her to come stay with him and his wife. She turned them down and insisted she could live with me and would promise to leave me alone after I got married so I could have a break and my husband and I could settle in to life together. The fact that that makes no sense to me doesn't matter. What good is a few years alone and hitting our routine if she's just coming back. Plus if he can't deal with her upfront then we have a problem because she really can't go anywhere else. I know I've mentioned some of that before but it just hit me again today that THIS was my life and short of a few vacations that I almost always feel guilty for taking there is no time for me to relax and enjoy and hell just have loud messy orgasms when she's home. Again if there were kids involved I get it but no one in this house is under the age of 30 lol.

I am trying to do a better job of managing all of that but it's still hard to juggle. Some of it I'm sure came from talking with a fellow submissive who bit the proverbial bullet and moved across the country to be with her Dom leaving parents behind. I am seriously happy for her I am but it reminded me that for at least the most immediate future this isn't a possibility for me. I slept on that and was good until I was standing in the store arguing about summer robes and why no one had them cause she needed a robe for the random moments it was night time and someone else in the house might see her while she was visiting my brother. I called a friend who told me that I really had to start doing more but it's hard to do more for me even when logically I know she can take care of some of this on her own. The stuff that she can't take care of makes me nervous. In ten years I've seen her memory impairment get worse. And she's had some mood swings that would be depression in anyone else but she refuses to address them as such. She doesn't engender caretaker vibes in my brother or I. At this point, years of unfiltered mommy moments has bruised all that affection. But something there still makes me feel like I have to take care of the things that she can't.

Understanding of the situation has not made it much better. Working out, committing to my job, enjoying life when I can has not made it all better. What I want doesn't mesh with the life I'm living and am momentarily obligated to continue. I am feeling more centered now. And a good cry never hurt anyone. It's just not how I normally like to enjoy the rain. That's for another time and post though.

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