Creepy Commercial Makes Me Think

Friday, August 28, 2015 1 comment
So I know you have probably gotten tired of all the anti-smoking commercials.  There are so many of them out there and they are on constantly.  But one that I originally heard on my way to bed threw me for a bit of a loop because it sounded like a submissive signing over control to their dominant partner.  If you have never seen said commercial here's the text:

"I, Amanda Green, at the point in my life when I'm not a kid anymore. Now that I finally have freedom to define who I am. I hereby agree to be bound by you. To let you decide how I spend my money. To let you set my boundaries. And to come running the instant you snap your fingers. With this contract, I relinquish part of my freedom to you."

I listened it to a few times over the next few weeks after seeing it originally and kept thinking about it so I figured it was trying to tell me something.  And I guess it was.  In no particular order this is what has come up for me upon thinking about her actual statements totally out of context to the cigarette cause yeah I've never smoked anything expect candy cigarettes and they were kinda nasty.

  • Well first my name isn't Amanda Green but it's not really relevant to all of this, just call me red.  And well red isn't a kid anymore but the last few years is when I legitimately stopped feeling like I was a kid.  I still felt immature and not quite a grown up and unable to really say that yes adulthood was in my face and in full effect.  That wouldn't be so bad but I'm a wee bit older than our commercial ingenue.  I have lived and left what I was hoping would be full and fruitful relationships both vanilla and D/s alike.  A million and one plans have come and gone in the meantime because I only saw some things with certain folks and after waiting for one promise to be kept well past any rational point I gave up on baby dream this past fall in favor of taking care of my health.  So yes chronologically I've moved well beyond Ms. Green I am just feeling within the last few years like I'm fully in my skin and loving it 98.9 percent of the time.

  • In terms of my submission, with all of the recognition and realizations I have come to realize I want the responsibility of trying to date like the rest of the world does less and less.  I want to find the man strong enough to make me desire to follow him.  That's a weird thing about me.  The more you demand submission from me, in big or small ways, the less likely I am to surrender.  Wait until I come to you.  Wait until my resolve looks weak or to be wavering.  Wait until I look like I'm on the verge of tears at the thought of you not being in my life on any level anymore.  At that point I will be just like Ms. Green and be happy to sign my power and control over to you.  I really really don't want it to begin with.  I want to be a 50s Housewife redux for the right person.  I'm just not going to fold for the wrong scenario though.

  • Ok she lost me on the money thing.  You may be flipping adorable but my money stays in my pocket.

  • I have watched my boundaries on things I thought were hard limits slip with people who can overwhelm me mentally.  Not in an abusive or manipulative way but with the knowledge and understanding that they see me, all of me, and see when my breath quickens and my pulse races and know that my body is opening up to their control.  I want those boundaries pushed and those that are meant to do so will crumble quickly.  Those that aren't will be respected and we'll move on to new and exciting adventures.

  • I can't come running every time one snaps their fingers but when I can I promise I'm one of the most attentive little girls you'll ever meet.  I enjoy the pressure to perform and the need to please.  I enjoy being literally put in my place and locked into my submission.  I enjoy being able to completely let go of my will, of my other roles, of every thing that is not my dominant and His wishes for me.  That would be the ultimate peak in my journey thus far.  It hasn't happened enough or with enough frequency for me to say more than the few times it has happened I finally felt whole and complete.

  • Contracts are so formal lol but I may be so inclined to sign one if the right situation presented itself.  Right now I just want to know what is needed of me and where I can best serve and perform and I am a happy girl.


Now having broken down a commercial and how it made me consider my submission I can also say that I have considered packing up my submissive gear and heart and saying no mas.  Over the last year it has become more evident that the contrasting parts of me are going to make it difficult to have one person steer and guide them.   I feel like I'm going to overburden any person that tries cause those needs and wants are on such different poles that he would likely feel disturbed trying to keep me in check.  I still want the comfort and contentment that comes from serving but my super realistic side keeps saying get real girl.  So that's where I am now.  Trying to sort out real.

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I hear music....

Sunday, August 16, 2015 1 comment
I hear music and I'm sure you're wondering why I'm making this pronouncement. As I go about my day and I think about my life and the things that must be get done, I hear music and it makes me think of you. Some of it makes me smile and other things make me wistful and other things make me want to molest you. But I hear music and then there is you.

Sam Hunt's deep voice comes oozing out of my speakers and I sing along off key in a full voice thinking of what it is I need from you at that moment and different choruses resonate with me as I stop at the red light and hope no one sees me enacting my own concert in the front seat.
I don't wanna steal your freedom
I don't wanna change your mind
I don't have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

He fades away and another Sam replaces his voice. Mr. Smith croons out words that I adore and mourn simultaneously. I wanna lay by your side as you stay with me but I know I'm not the only one even if no one can love you like I can and neither one of us will see the signs of what is going on. My lips are left in a slight curl as he leaves my head and heart clear and empty and full and longing.

Michael makes me giggle uncontrollably and I am glad that it's a good day and that on some level I may not have embraced all of you yet. Sara tries to remind me that love is still fully possible and I just need to choose better. And maybe I should but I stumble and fall and wish to be as fearless as I try to inspire others to be.
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I don't know where the brave version of me went but she probably is hiding because she's more worried about how the words cut now. Honesty is almost always the best policy I agree but the hurt in a lover's eyes is a weight I never enjoy carrying. And screw the hurt that could come back to me if I let you into that space where you can devastate my peace and calm. And just as my resolve is starting to fade and I realize I'm just a fractured little girl looking for a pair of big strong arms to envelope me and hide me from the darkness something totally inappropriate comes on and makes me smile. Feelings, yes we all have them but not all of them rush over me in such a way to remind me that yes I hear music and if you could dance to the soundtrack in my brain I may never walk straight, be alone, want for anything but a good meal and your hand as it caresses my head.
But where does he think you are tonight?
Does he know your nasty side?
(Look at her, look at her oh)

If you want me take me home and let me use you
I know he doesn't satisfy you like I do
And does he know that there's nobody quite like you
So let me tell you all the things he never told you
(yeah!)

I hear music. All day, all night. I know you can't spend the night due to my life and your life but all I do is imagine what it would be like having you for breakfast. Gladys creeps in and becomes an anthem for three minutes but I'm not your one and only because I always meet you after another has arrived. So when you press your lips to mine the next time remember this girl can be a bit of fool when she follows her heart but she adores you in ways that she can't begin to say. But the music can.
Can I talk 2 U?
Tell U what U mean 2 me
Every time U wander
I'll be your eyes so U can see
I wanna show U things
That I show no other, I wanna be
More than, more than your mother
More than your brother
I wanna be (like no) like no other
If U need me, I'll never leave
I know, that U know, without U there is no me
There is no me
Without U there is no sea
There is no shore
Love is 2 weak 2 define how much I adore
U, child
U, child
The last words U hear
The last words U hear

(until the end of time)
I'll be there for you, baby
(until the end of time)

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Been a little while, missed you guys

Friday, August 14, 2015 No comments
Life has been a whirlwind this summer. At this point I have worked a ton more than I planned, my vacations to Amsterdam (AMAZING) and Toronto (not as much but still good for different reasons lol) have been checked off the list, I have five passport stamps thanks to a canceled flight lol, and for the first time in what feels like a millennia I remembered what it felt like to be kinda slutty. That probably won't sound like it should be in that list but this latest round of my evolution has brought me back to a place of bad behavior that makes everyone else very very happy.

I spent a little bit of time with the Dutchman while I was in Amsterdam and a few days with Mr. Wolf in Toronto. Combining the two of them into one body may kill me but that would be such a wonderful way to die. It's amazing to feel my will be taken from me. Prior to July it had been quite some time since I had been used and manipulated and lusted after openly. I asked to be fucked in front of the ridiculously amazing view in my hotel room and got more than I bargained for in that regard. The same was true in Toronto even though I didn't have a specific request or a great view lol. The intense play just had to wait until after a major commitment was completed. I'm glad that was the case though because I wouldn't have been able to sleep or sit on my ass comfortably had it been constant.

What I learned in both situations is I actively crave being a bit a of a slut. My body has a visceral reaction to being treated like a whore. And the head space that I slip into is just this side of euphoria. I imagine it's similar to what the ambrosia on Olympus used to do to those who ate it. My mind is both clear and gone. There is no clarity except to please and receive pleasure. I love that place. If you could bottle it up for me to use on a rainy day I'd love you forever, I promise. The other thing that came from these trips which were slightly under a month apart is that I used to flit from bed to bed at will. One person was great at oral and toying with my clit until I exploded. Another was a ridiculous pleasure to ride and could fuck my ass so well that I would orgasm from that alone. Yet another was hung like a very well endowed horse and moved my internal organs around so I had fuck him twice in the same week so that everything would be in the right place. Fuck I miss his ass lol. Beyond their varying skill sets I greatly enjoyed the knowledge that my skin had to be plied and pulled and had fluids piled upon it by man after man after man.

In the last ten years I haven't done much of that. I've been a good slutty girl for one person and one alone. I don't think it impacted the relationships negatively. I was happy with those folks and enjoyed being their slut a great deal. I just kind of missed being A slut apparently. So feeling both of them inside of me, mauling at my skin and hurting me so close together has been a stellar moment in my slutty history. We'll see who and what else is out there yet to experience.

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