"I, Amanda Green, at the point in my life when I'm not a kid anymore. Now that I finally have freedom to define who I am. I hereby agree to be bound by you. To let you decide how I spend my money. To let you set my boundaries. And to come running the instant you snap your fingers. With this contract, I relinquish part of my freedom to you."
I listened it to a few times over the next few weeks after seeing it originally and kept thinking about it so I figured it was trying to tell me something. And I guess it was. In no particular order this is what has come up for me upon thinking about her actual statements totally out of context to the cigarette cause yeah I've never smoked anything expect candy cigarettes and they were kinda nasty.
- Well first my name isn't Amanda Green but it's not really relevant to all of this, just call me red. And well red isn't a kid anymore but the last few years is when I legitimately stopped feeling like I was a kid. I still felt immature and not quite a grown up and unable to really say that yes adulthood was in my face and in full effect. That wouldn't be so bad but I'm a wee bit older than our commercial ingenue. I have lived and left what I was hoping would be full and fruitful relationships both vanilla and D/s alike. A million and one plans have come and gone in the meantime because I only saw some things with certain folks and after waiting for one promise to be kept well past any rational point I gave up on baby dream this past fall in favor of taking care of my health. So yes chronologically I've moved well beyond Ms. Green I am just feeling within the last few years like I'm fully in my skin and loving it 98.9 percent of the time.
- In terms of my submission, with all of the recognition and realizations I have come to realize I want the responsibility of trying to date like the rest of the world does less and less. I want to find the man strong enough to make me desire to follow him. That's a weird thing about me. The more you demand submission from me, in big or small ways, the less likely I am to surrender. Wait until I come to you. Wait until my resolve looks weak or to be wavering. Wait until I look like I'm on the verge of tears at the thought of you not being in my life on any level anymore. At that point I will be just like Ms. Green and be happy to sign my power and control over to you. I really really don't want it to begin with. I want to be a 50s Housewife redux for the right person. I'm just not going to fold for the wrong scenario though.
- Ok she lost me on the money thing. You may be flipping adorable but my money stays in my pocket.
- I have watched my boundaries on things I thought were hard limits slip with people who can overwhelm me mentally. Not in an abusive or manipulative way but with the knowledge and understanding that they see me, all of me, and see when my breath quickens and my pulse races and know that my body is opening up to their control. I want those boundaries pushed and those that are meant to do so will crumble quickly. Those that aren't will be respected and we'll move on to new and exciting adventures.
- I can't come running every time one snaps their fingers but when I can I promise I'm one of the most attentive little girls you'll ever meet. I enjoy the pressure to perform and the need to please. I enjoy being literally put in my place and locked into my submission. I enjoy being able to completely let go of my will, of my other roles, of every thing that is not my dominant and His wishes for me. That would be the ultimate peak in my journey thus far. It hasn't happened enough or with enough frequency for me to say more than the few times it has happened I finally felt whole and complete.
- Contracts are so formal lol but I may be so inclined to sign one if the right situation presented itself. Right now I just want to know what is needed of me and where I can best serve and perform and I am a happy girl.
Now having broken down a commercial and how it made me consider my submission I can also say that I have considered packing up my submissive gear and heart and saying no mas. Over the last year it has become more evident that the contrasting parts of me are going to make it difficult to have one person steer and guide them. I feel like I'm going to overburden any person that tries cause those needs and wants are on such different poles that he would likely feel disturbed trying to keep me in check. I still want the comfort and contentment that comes from serving but my super realistic side keeps saying get real girl. So that's where I am now. Trying to sort out real.