My Neck is Bare

Sunday, November 29, 2015 No comments
If you know my relationship status that may not strike you as odd.  After all single girls don't typically wear collars proclaiming their availability.  But for me the lack of current adornment would typically send me into a tailspin.  For those that don't know I lost my father when I was barely 25 years old.  It was the total opposite of fun and the worst part about it was I knew it was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it.  I had been dreaming for months that I would be spending the last Christmas of my life with my father or that I was sitting in the hospital with my mother while waiting to find out if my father would be okay--that was trippy since my parents divorced when I was eight and up until a few months before he died lightweight hated each other.  The problem really was that no one knew what was happening with my father.  Getting him to the hospital and fighting with the doctors didn't help.  When he realized he was dying, he sat me down and told me how to take care of things because my brother's wouldn't be able to do it.  I knew that was rough for him as it was rough for me.  I was my dad's only daughter and if you listen to my brothers I was spoiled beyond belief just based on that fact.  I can cop to being spoiled but my father was my best friend so it was an equal opportunity spoiling.  Dad had special desserts (banana pudding sans the bananas with extra cookies or pecan pie with extra pecans and 1/3 cup less sugar cause he didn't want it that sweet) and well marinated steaks and back walks a la The Jeffersons when I was home.  He was my buddy and I treasured all the time I spent with him and everything that he ever gave me.  Which brings me back to my bare neck.

For most of the time since I have worn a random trinket he bought me when I was very into Chinese astrology on a silver chain.  I have gone through many chains in fifteen years.  The last one broke about a week ago when I was in the middle of making cookies for the holidays.  I bought a warranty for it so it's being repaired but it won't be back for a few more weeks.  Since I wear no other jewelry really my neck is just there and flashing its nakedness.  I'm not sure if I hate it or if it has been freeing.  There were moments in the last fifteen years when I would literally get out of my car and go back to my bedroom to get my necklace.  Days that I couldn't do that or forgot until I was in the middle of other things I would have some of the worst days ever.  That charm was my protection, my reminder that dad was looking out for me, comforting.  It would pain me to not wear it.  I am not feeling pained right now.  And I haven't gotten to the point that I'm taking the charm with me constantly.  I don't know if that means it's time to let it rest or add the charm to my life in another way.  I have been touching my throat more than I normally would which has been disconcerting.  I know that the lack of necklace doesn't mean dad isn't still in my heart but it's odd to not have something that has been so close to me for so many years.

I gave some thought to this being deliberate so that my neck is free for the next protector and His charm to take the place of the one I chose but yeah I don't really like that idea lol and due to 80 million things collars aren't really the best way to show ownership of me.  All I know is right now I'm painfully aware that I don't have a few ounces of silver around my neck and I miss my dad all the more because of it.  Good night everyone.

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The more things change

Sunday, November 15, 2015 1 comment
So a year ago I wasn't sure what to do with my submission and who if anyone to explore it with.  A year later I can't say I'm that far advanced in that deliberation.  However, one thing has crystallized in that time frame and that is maybe my metrics for making that decision have to evolve, grow and change.  I've mentioned before on how much I do not trust overt shows of emotion.  They have made me anxious and I figured out why within the last few weeks.  The men that say they love me and want to be with me forever have not kept their word.  So yes I hear the words but at this point they mean little to me because of past history.  So it's not fair to the new folks but at least I'm aware of it so I can attempt to change how I react to them in the future.  That also means not giving so much weight to lust or the frenzy that it can create in me.  That frenzy seems to change my brain chemistry and before I know it I'm addicted to whomever is creating it and will modify my life to figure out how to get another fix.  I went looking for THIS SONG to illustrate my point with the lyrics that lead into the chorus but I clearly didn't remember the end of the chorus.  For those who don't want to click and listen, here's the lyrics in question:

And if you said this life ain't good enough
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Because you're so smooth
And it's just like the ocean under the moon
Oh, it's the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth, yeah
Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it

I can admit that my concept of love typically involves a level of pain and suffering so easy relationships throw me for a loop.  But truthfully I'm flexible to a fault when I'm overly invested in a relationship.  Which is just fancy talk for when I am ridiculously in lust with someone.  The problem with that is lust rarely leads to love and lust alone can't sustain a relationship.  Well not a long-term one based on more than physicality.  And as I am embracing all these other changes in and about my life it's time to think about lust being the basis of a long-term situation.  I'm not there yet but I'm walking in that direction at least now.  We'll see if this is a change that sticks or not.


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Pour Out a Little Licka for Naked Sunday

Sunday, November 01, 2015 No comments
My quiet existence as a sorta single gal will end this weekend when the creature that birthed me, that causes me undue stress and has somewhat single handedly created a situation in which I will always be single returns from visiting my brother and nieces.  Granted I know she has to come back because I am her primary caretaker.  If she stayed with my brother he'd end up getting divorced because she and my sister in law are both just a bit on the fucking crazy side.  But that also means for the vast majority of the year (even when she's gone if I'm being honest) I get to deal with the the wonderful crazy shit that is my mother.  Like requesting a quote for an addition onto the house, a fence for our giant yard and a garage that connects to both of them and expecting it to be around 25 thousand tops.  Cause that would happen right?  Only in crazy lady land.  I was trying to help her disturbed and CHEAP behind out with the Christmas ticket and she acts as though I just asked her to sacrifice one of the grandchildren.  She wants to see them and not see my sibling and his wife and somehow include a trip five hours a way to spend a day or two with one of her siblings and make it home from some undetermined point.

That would have been enough adventure for today but another incident popped up between friends and somehow I'm still involved even though I'm no where around and should have had no bearing on a damn thing that occurred with them but hey I'm super influential right lol.  I shared my thoughts with both of them at the same time which we have rarely done at least on a honest basis as of late and hope they figure out that situation sooner as opposed to later.  It reminded me of things that I don't find super enjoyable about the lifestyle when the relationships aren't one on one or because of the volatility of them what happens when an old partner is confronted with a new relationship.  That may be why I've always tried to fly under the radar or maybe not but shit poly tinged things are fucking complicated and I'm not sure I like them.  It also made me a little annoyed on two levels.  These things keep happening cause they get to go to events together.  They live in proximity to ones that can be primarily the brown kids and not a bunch of other folks so yeah kinda hateful on that fact.  The other thing that annoyed me is this felt all like a HS following out.  Tired of that too.

I updated my Fetlife support to Lifetime primarily because over the course a few years you'd pay that out with six month billing.  Plus I keep coming back even if I get frustrated sometimes.  I got a lot of grading done and a plan for classes tomorrow.  I need to get another project checked off and then I'll be heading to a work conference at the end of the week as my last bit of freedom before the mummy returns.  I seriously don't want to cook tonight either but I need to prepare breakfast for the rest of the week and ordering a pizza is a pain since I can only get the diet crust when I buy a large one.  Plus I'm trying to stick to the meal plan as much as possible as I try to hit the gym more regularly.  Okay I'm done bitching mostly.  I will miss being super naked for 24 hours solid.  All good things must come to an end though right.

Oh and the birthday function I am thinking about scrapping.  I may do like a friend and just put 40 things on my list to do the year that I am 40.  The level of depravity I want requires some specific players and well I don't have a teleporter so it won't happen anyway.  Have a good Sunday all.

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