Need and Growth

Saturday, January 23, 2016
My mind has been scattered and I'm trying to keep it all together but it's not been easy. I actually was planning to do something else because of the email this prompt came from in the mailer I got from Luna @ the Submissive Guide. Well I had two things in mind to do but neither was this. The prompt resonated with me for some reason today and I'm not sure why. Here's the message: “For me, D/s is a graded endeavor. There are definitive levels of achievement. There is an unacceptable level of performance. Effort is not enough to make the grade.” – Sir C

I have mentioned this to other people, mostly the Dutchman and Mr. Good Nhyte, that I haven't necessarily felt like I have grown much as a submissive in the past. That was largely due to my own issues with fully surrendering to my partners but also because of where those relationships ended up progressing to I would assume. While I know more about myself and what I need to be in the kind of relationship I want to pursue, I don't know that I have done anything since fully embracing my role as a submissive that I would mark as an achievement. I still can be ridiculously argumentative. I try not to be insubordinate but if I don't understand why something needs to be done I am unlikely to do it. And I am still working on just letting go and understand that where I am being led is where I am supposed to be. I don't always feel secure enough to do that and then I slip back into my rational brain and that's just a death knell for me in growth as a submissive.

The thing is I want to be better, stronger, improve in significant ways but much like with everything else with me it's a struggle. I need to have control wrested away from me. I need to have my choices limited such that pleasing is really my only option. I need to feel that when I make that slip I will be protected in that space. It takes a special person to do that and to maintain that longer than just a scene. I don't like it when things around me are falling apart and my natural impulse is to just fix it and if I'm fixing it I'm not slipping. And if I'm not slipping I cannot acquiesce to even the simplest of requests or commands. Once over the last year has something been requested that felt like a genuine test of my ability to surrender. And I can't say there wasn't a massive amount of trepidation when the request was made. I cannot tell you how well it went because I just kinda remember my brain breaking a bit at the time. I've fallen completely off with that in the months since though so was it really an accomplishment or achievement more than a task I ticked off my to do list at the time without revisiting since.

To be fair most of that is due to things not being set or stable with Mr. Wolf or The Dutchman which makes their focus and ability to control me not be where I need it to be or they may want it to be. Life is in flux as usual but I want to figure out how to keep sparking growth independent of a partner. I need to spend some time thinking about that and given my schedule if I don't do it soon I'm not sure when I will.

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