And truthfully it was/is and then I stumbled upon a post in Suffer For Me on Fetlife that directed me to yet another post and I realized I had more in common with random people than I thought. I'll get to that in a second. I knew I was going to spend some time investigating my internal reactions to that and then I did something totally innocuous: took a Facebook quiz about what I'm secretly afraid of and came up with some supporting evidence of why I might need to ponder what I need to ponder.
In recent years, you find yourself having trouble keeping a relationship. You are irrationally scared that once you will open up, your partner will get a look at the real you and leave. Our subconscious is unfortunately filled with these kinds of thoughts.
To be honest, I haven't been trying to keep a relationship. I don't see the utility in them all the time. We're attracted to some aspect of a person and then want to keep that all to ourselves which ends up altering the thing we liked in the first place. Ok that's a bit depressing but you can see why I wasn't really clamoring to keep one cause really that's how I was thinking. Not to mention the whole "irrationally scare that once you will open up" thing because that really hasn't been totally irrational for me. Dating vanilla dudes for more than half my life when I told them what I really wanted, and that was at the corner of tame and tamer at the time, they have reacted strongly to that and typically not well. "What kind of girl wants a man she loves to do that to her" was a frequent conversation at that point and outside of a little spanking and rougher than normal sex it never went where I really needed it to go and then relationships go poof.
Working and taking care of my mother has been tiring. After things with Mr. Good Nhyte ended I really was kind of done. I was weeks away from saying eff it to the whole submissive thing once and for all because clearly the man I needed/wanted to submit to didn't exist or wouldn't find me or fill in the damn blank. And then I started having a super random flirtation with The Dutchman and he pulled from me things I hadn't willingly given to anyone else. I wasn't upset by that but I did feel super duper exposed and vulnerable and in case you haven't been around her much I super don't like either one of those emotions. Mr. Wolf entered the picture shortly after that and the two of them together created the perfect segue into the content of the post. Normally, I'd include a link but in this case she was exposing her own stuff in a very small group so save mentioning it I won't post a direct link. If you're super interested you can probably figure out what thread I mean but if not oh well.
The overall gist of what was being discussed can be summarized as the following: How does one fully submit when they haven't bent to the will of the person they are submitting to? Are you just confusing being kinky with being submissive? To be clear I'm not sure I've answered either of those questions before. I have been in long-term D/s relationships with very Dominant partners. I have felt that I was submitting to each of them fully but in retrospect I can see now that maybe only in one of those cases was that true.
With Emperor I was desperate to please but I was also incredibly insecure so I took back whatever control I could from time to time. It didn't help that He was seeking relationships with other folks that He found more attractive and that at the time I wasn't terribly okay with sharing my Dominant but my reaction to Him wasn't always healthy and was in large part informed by my previous vanilla relationships. Could that have worked out? Probably but we didn't have the most solid foundation and he wasn't ready for my level of need.
With Mr. Good Nhyte it periodically felt like we were at war and subject to ridiculously bad timing. When He most likely needed my submission to be absolute and unwavering I was upset and disappointed at all the times His dominance was missing in action. Whenever He attempted to reassert control I was defiant or non-committal or lacking will to follow through which I'm sure just irritated and confused Him because I begged for His control but when it was missing for prolonged periods of time it hard to shift girls and go with His wants. I couldn't or didn't ever feel as safe as I should have and that's because the situation with our vanilla worlds was a hot mess. We were trying to build a future when the past refused to stop encroaching. When He left to address it once and for all I knew and told Him as much that He wouldn't be returning. Not because He'd want to stay away but the situation was demanding a sacrifice and that sacrifice was our relationship.
I can only say that with Roaming Solider was I all in and willing to go with what He needed and wanted and that was probably because His demands were neither constant, daily or required much beyond declarations of my submission. I'm not sure what would have happened had His deployment ended on schedule and we were in the same place trying to manage all of the things that I have to do in real time along with what I want to do for my Dominant. Potentially dying trumped all of my moodiness and feelings of neglect or distress or insecurities. And it was good for me lol. I rarely thought about who He might be replacing me with because what I offered Him was wholly different than getting His rocks off in the desert with random chick. Why that doesn't translate to my current situation I don't know but yeah it hasn't. So that leads me back to this moment and the thoughts about fully offering submission versus claiming to do so.
I'm not sure if I'm seeing submission the same way that everyone else does and maybe that's to be expected given the myriad of ways that it can come to pass for each of us. When I want to submit, or think about submitting, it's a mix of informed consent and impulse. The first piece comes into play because I see the potential Dominant as possessing things that I find desirable both within the context of D/s relationships and outside of it just because I know our lives can't be kinky 24/7 unless one of us lucks up on some 1.6 billion dollar Powerball funds. I see those things and they resonate within me or make me feel like I'm completing one of those old TRUE LOVE IS BLISS combinations like when we were way too young to know a flipping thing about anything. But I guess the point there is I see the spark and the spark makes me want to know more and get closer and then some rare impulse triggers my desire to submit to that person. I can admit that some of it is NRE (new relationship energy for those who don't know the acronym) but that doesn't last very long and if the person isn't consistent or starts to slip in significant ways then my impulse quickly fades and it's a struggle to keep the submission moving in a positive direction. These are all logical decisions and choices and it goes well or it doesn't but nothing about the process overwhelms my senses and makes me illogical and willful and wanton and desperate. It just makes me happy or not.
When I gave myself over to my submission, when I asked that it be taken from me and that I be allowed to follow Him the world was a completely different place and it was magical. The problem is that the odds on that were about dead even with running into a bus on a bike full speed without sustaining major injuries or memory loss. That energy, that dedication, that lust and and desire inspired 22 stories that used to be featured here. Actually more like 25 because some weren't in the Alphabet series. I couldn't see the world without Him and I was crushed when I realized there was no happily ever after there anymore. It didn't kill my submissive impulse by any stretch but maybe it impact my relationship with Mr. Good Nhyte because I was looking for that energy and the depth of being all in again but it was probably too soon for that. And because I had known GN for years prior to that and while a spark had been there when we met, He was married and I was attached so that spark became friendship and whatever it may have been was lost. Mr. Wolf talks to me about vibe a lot and how He saw in me something that He didn't want to let slip away. I appreciate that more than you know but I am still in logical mode right now and I'm not sure it will ever fully dissipate cause yeah running into that bus is unlikely at best with me. And after all that rambling I'm coming back to the point.
Do I need that traffic accident to deeply submit? Logically of course not, emotionally though I'm not sure. When I'm caught off guard by the intensity of what I'm feeling I am so much more likely to go with it. When someone is able to, as I used to put it, take up residence in my brain and move me like I was a well loved piece on their favorite chess board I am able to let the carefully crafted walls around me crumble so quickly and without fear of reproach. When I'm aware of the fact that the person I'm with might be smarter than I am then there's a rush of intrigue and my lips smirk in ways that you would enjoy watching and I actually enjoy feeling. I want to be overwhelmed logically, emotionally physically. Do I need it to submit? No I don't but I want it. That rush doesn't allow for me to second guess, to wonder, to balk at demands, desires, directives from the lips of the Dominant that I have rushed headlong towards. It's not that I settle for anyone else. I just ease into those relationships and that easing gives time for my overthinking brain to do its thing. And boy does it do its thing. There's nothing to compare in the two approaches. One is different than the other that's all. But knowing that I do need to recognize that I am fighting and why I am fighting because it's super not fair to the ones who are wondering why I just can't let them guide me as I clearly want to be led. I'm not sure but I need to figure that out. So if nothing else I'm going to try to make my brain's overactive nature be a positive thing and not a hindrance. We shall see how that goes.