Need and Growth

Saturday, January 23, 2016 No comments
My mind has been scattered and I'm trying to keep it all together but it's not been easy. I actually was planning to do something else because of the email this prompt came from in the mailer I got from Luna @ the Submissive Guide. Well I had two things in mind to do but neither was this. The prompt resonated with me for some reason today and I'm not sure why. Here's the message: “For me, D/s is a graded endeavor. There are definitive levels of achievement. There is an unacceptable level of performance. Effort is not enough to make the grade.” – Sir C

I have mentioned this to other people, mostly the Dutchman and Mr. Good Nhyte, that I haven't necessarily felt like I have grown much as a submissive in the past. That was largely due to my own issues with fully surrendering to my partners but also because of where those relationships ended up progressing to I would assume. While I know more about myself and what I need to be in the kind of relationship I want to pursue, I don't know that I have done anything since fully embracing my role as a submissive that I would mark as an achievement. I still can be ridiculously argumentative. I try not to be insubordinate but if I don't understand why something needs to be done I am unlikely to do it. And I am still working on just letting go and understand that where I am being led is where I am supposed to be. I don't always feel secure enough to do that and then I slip back into my rational brain and that's just a death knell for me in growth as a submissive.

The thing is I want to be better, stronger, improve in significant ways but much like with everything else with me it's a struggle. I need to have control wrested away from me. I need to have my choices limited such that pleasing is really my only option. I need to feel that when I make that slip I will be protected in that space. It takes a special person to do that and to maintain that longer than just a scene. I don't like it when things around me are falling apart and my natural impulse is to just fix it and if I'm fixing it I'm not slipping. And if I'm not slipping I cannot acquiesce to even the simplest of requests or commands. Once over the last year has something been requested that felt like a genuine test of my ability to surrender. And I can't say there wasn't a massive amount of trepidation when the request was made. I cannot tell you how well it went because I just kinda remember my brain breaking a bit at the time. I've fallen completely off with that in the months since though so was it really an accomplishment or achievement more than a task I ticked off my to do list at the time without revisiting since.

To be fair most of that is due to things not being set or stable with Mr. Wolf or The Dutchman which makes their focus and ability to control me not be where I need it to be or they may want it to be. Life is in flux as usual but I want to figure out how to keep sparking growth independent of a partner. I need to spend some time thinking about that and given my schedule if I don't do it soon I'm not sure when I will.

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Self-reflection and Submission

Saturday, January 16, 2016 No comments
Today is somewhat a chill day for me.  Nothing major looming overhead.  What is looming can be accomplished relatively easily.  The diet has been thrown to hell as I'm trying to recover from two different illnesses hitting me at once and save a few days earlier this week during which I was ridiculously horny, had the best wet dreams ever thankfully staring people that I might be able to make that reality with, enthusiastically masturbated while documenting the goings on and then shared with people who make me creamy I have been doing a whole lot of nothing it feels like.  Woke up earlyish today, ate breakfast, watched BBQ Pitmasters and then took a nap in which a beautifully thick and hopefully well endowed man visited my dream and flirted with me and made me moist before I woke up lol.  Really sounds like a good day right?

And truthfully it was/is and then I stumbled upon a post in Suffer For Me on Fetlife that directed me to yet another post and I realized I had more in common with random people than I thought.  I'll get to that in a second.  I knew I was going to spend some time investigating my internal reactions to that and then I did something totally innocuous: took a Facebook quiz about what I'm secretly afraid of and came up with some supporting evidence of why I might need to ponder what I need to ponder.
In recent years, you find yourself having trouble keeping a relationship. You are irrationally scared that once you will open up, your partner will get a look at the real you and leave. Our subconscious is unfortunately filled with these kinds of thoughts.

To be honest, I haven't been trying to keep a relationship.  I don't see the utility in them all the time.  We're attracted to some aspect of a person and then want to keep that all to ourselves which ends up altering the thing we liked in the first place.  Ok that's a bit depressing but you can see why I wasn't really clamoring to keep one cause really that's how I was thinking.  Not to mention the whole "irrationally scare that once you will open up" thing because that really hasn't been totally irrational for me.  Dating vanilla dudes for more than half my life when I told them what I really wanted, and that was at the corner of tame and tamer at the time, they have reacted strongly to that and typically not well.  "What kind of girl wants a man she loves to do that to her" was a frequent conversation at that point and outside of a little spanking and rougher than normal sex it never went where I really needed it to go and then relationships go poof. 

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In with the new...welcome to my 2016

Friday, January 01, 2016 No comments
The word for the day is honesty.  I'll get to more about that in a few minutes.  So as is necessary I am currently deeply gorging on a Twilight Zone marathon that started a day or so ago with brief interruptions from regular programming, sleep, work, the gym, and meal preparation.  I have done more than is standard during my week off and that's good as my mood and mentality are a world apart from where they could be otherwise.  For those who aren't aware I recently had a birthday and shortly after I went to visit family.  I don't do it often but when I do it seriously feeds my spirit.  It reminded me of some things I need to do a better job of taking care of and I got new photos for my phone of the people who make up the largest part of my heart and keep me grounded.

It was with that energy that I came home on Monday and didn't lose it about mom's standard "I have no idea what I want to eat but I sure am hungry" routine.  The end result was Burger King and we ended up with extra nuggets and a free soda because the cute drive thru guy--yes I was checking his cuteness, I was tired not dead and yep he was mountable--felt bad we had to wait a few minutes for fresh nuggets.  I slept well and have spent the last four days working, working out and thinking.  I wasn't dreading being pseudosingle or anything else.  Life, no matter how many complications I am experiencing at the moment, is good.  Largely because of that I'm committed to my goals for the year, not resolutions as those seem to go no where for me, the most prominent of which is being honest with myself and with others.  There are others: lose another 35 pounds, stay healthy, play nice with mom, repair some old relationships or let them go, get on the grind with work, travel, and say yes to new experiences but the honesty thing well it needs to win out.

To that end I pondered what I wanted to say to The Dutchman and Mr. Wolf over for a few days before I said or typed  a word.  Now once I started my fingers moving I let it come out mostly free flowing.  I did a tiny bit of editing but I can't not say things for fear of what may happen later.  Fear is a powerful motivator but it keeps me from being transparent.  Working on getting over that seriously.  So if you have any questions let me know?  You may be wondering about the whole Dutchman & Mr. Wolf situation and for now there's no major update.  I still care about them both.  They bring out totally different traits in me and I appreciate them both for doing so.  I obviously spend more time with Mr. Wolf and if he had his way I'd be tied up in the basement of a 1950s style bungalow during the hours that I wasn't needed at work.  That's actually not a bad thing really lol but I don't know how many bungalow's have basements and I don't really like the dark.  Well that's not true either lol.  There's no relationship hierarchy at the moment at least on my end.  They both have other relationships in play and are exploring different things with those individuals.  I can't say I'm all in the poly lifestyle at the moment.  I still get jealous and it has taken me a while to find my voice and just be honest when that happens but as I mentioned earlier I'm working on it.

The only other thing that is going to be new and fun for me to explore is a project so to speak that I am undertaking as part of my make the year epic list.  I'm asking people what they would do with a partner of their choosing and forty eight hours of solid debauchery.  I am seriously interested in the answers because some of them I will make happen.  Others I will use to melt the brains of other folks lol.  Right now though I only have one weekend scripted and two allegedly coming back to me soon.  I think I wigged one potential playmate out when he asked about my limits being pushed and I told him the truth.  And another is just a lazy prick as best I can tell and if his dick wasn't so ginormous I wouldn't think twice about it.  He may get a stopover visit lol.  Anyhoo I think I've rambled enough for now.  If you think you have a good idea for a debauched weekend let me know in the comments or shoot me an email--website name minus the .com @gmail.com.

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