what You never said

Sunday, October 08, 2017 1 comment
i'm making my peace with You
and it's my peace to make not Yours
i fully recognize that
You don't owe me a thing
my disappointments are my own to well own
i made You into someone that You never promised to be
You did what said and no more
sometimes maybe a little less
but You never gave me illusions of what You wanted
and in the moment i loved that
craved it
basked in the honesty of it
rational little girl could totally understand You
and what You were offering
but as the pages close on this chapter
i fully acknowledge i wanted more
i wanted my own whips and chains themed fairy tale
i wanted to never have to explain what i needed
because You always just knew
i wanted to be a pliant puppy at Your feet
i wanted to engage in every depraved fantasy
You ever dreamed up
well except that one cause nah dude
i wanted You in all of Your glory
but You never even agreed any of that was in the offing
i hear what You actually said now
and realized how i filled in the gaps
read between the lines
and allowed my hope to be stronger than my reason
You were always transparent in who and what You were
i did the exact thing i tell others not to do
i fell madly passionately deeply in love
with the potential of who i believed You could be
for me
for the seeking little girl
for the obedient mewling pup
for the desperate slut i wanted to be
alas You never even hinted that was a role You wanted to play
and i need to listen to what You never said and move on

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Psst here's a secret

Sunday, September 03, 2017 No comments
I don't always post things when I think about them originally.  Sometimes I'm trying to decide if it's worth the effort of posting cause between work and life a girl gets tired.  Other times I'm trying to figure out if by posting I might hurt someone's feelings which really no matter how we parted ways I tend to not want to do.  Every blue moon I might be worried about embarrassing myself but hell I've done that enough to not be worried about it anymore. 

So I was thinking to myself the last few days that I haven't been legitimately horny in months.  I have seen beautiful people in that time.  Interacted, well by messages, with my partners and jack squat.  Save a few weeks after I came back from Amsterdam there has been literally no burning desire in me to do anything with anyone including myself.  I used to masturbate to get to sleep sometimes and yeah that has sounded exhausting as of late and I just roll over and go to bed. 


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Tears are Cleansing

Saturday, August 19, 2017 No comments
I have been busy as hell for the last three weeks.  Had another conference to attend, a brief course to teach, five solid days of meetings and somewhere in there had to get my hair done, sleep, eat and get my car repaired twice.  Par for the course it feels like over the last few months but eventually there's a moment to crash and process and sort some things out.  I'm not sure that I'm in the process or sort some things out phase or if I'm finally just admitting some things to myself.  You can't love someone hard enough that they love you back and you can't distract yourself indefinitely from that fact. 

I'd been playing a game on my tablet that let me descend into a romantic story line for a bit.  Kinda enjoyed it because I could make the main character look like me and my Prince Charming wasn't some random stock character I'd never have even pretended to be with at all.  Well that came to an end yesterday and to say it was disappointing was an understatement.  For folks that like drama it's great but for folks that don't, like myself--drama free diet since 2005, it was an epic letdown.  I didn't cry lol.  I was too tired to cry.  The tears have book ended the week though.

Earlier in the week Mr. Wolf wrote me a sweet letter that I just wasn't emotionally able to process so I wrote a short note back when I could and stopped crying cause I was just on day two of meetings.  This morning I saw something that I needed to see so that it was clear what was happening and the tears came again.  Letting go isn't the right phrase.  Recognizing you've been disposed of is likely better but may not be wholly accurate.  I'm so ridiculously tired of this cycle I can't begin to explain but tears wash away a multitude of sins. 

Please pray for Mr. Wolf's family.  He's a good man and needs that support even though he'd never ask for it.

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Cliched Phrase Post

Wednesday, July 26, 2017 No comments
I'm not sure what this will be about so if you start reading buckle up buttercup cause this may take a minute.  When I first thought about writing this post a few days ago I thought about calling it The Art of Mind Fucking Me.  I mean I'm a girl who likes a good mind fuck.  Especially if you are good at it.  Good at it is subjective of course.  But as I was thinking about it what came to mind was subtlety.  In order for me to enjoy a mind fuck I have to not even really be aware that you're doing it.  Manipulating my emotions, behaviors and thoughts without me being completely conscious you're doing it is the way to make me swoon.  That method gets me to do things I'd be prone to say nope never going to do that happily even if it's cautiously explored.  It makes me desire you. Want to be better for you and at the end of the day serve you in whatever way I can. 

To be clear I can do those things without a good mind fuck but the dedication, the investment, the depth of my devotion isn't the same.  And that's probably an area I need to work on because service isn't always about falling into that crevice in my brain that gets all fired up when I've been seduced.  Yes that's the word I was missing.  A mind fuck for me is a seduction.  It discombobulates my sense of self and makes me high and that shit is magical.  I gotta work on being a better little girl when I'm not seduced or not being seduced regularly. 

The problem with seducing me, and yes there is a problem, is that if you can't maintain the energy you put out initially then eventually my brain rights itself.  It patches up the crack I kept stumbling into and sooner rather than later I am not even slightly interested in any of the old soothing words that stimulated me so.  I become vacant and that shit sucks to high heaven.  It takes so much for me to let someone in, to feel myself slip, to enjoy being displaced that my whole being says fuck that and fuck you when inevitably my seducer is distracted by their lives, next conquest, or whatever pulls them away.  I know it's going to happen so I try to enjoy the high while it lasts and then try to climb out of the whole as fast as possible later.

Subtlety is such a lost art form.

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Confessions of a Fractured Romantic

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 No comments
So I've been thinking a lot since I'm not active with work right now.  I mean I still have to work cause folks won't let me be great when there are no active projects but thus is my life.  I've been more in my introverted mode than normal as I process things and people and life and love and a whole host of things.  And when I really don't want to delve into any of that I've escaped into a game on my tablet.  Well several technically as there are several little options to explore.  It's basically choose your own adventure stories for adults with just a hint of smut and romance and by hint I mean the characters get textually freaky but you ain't seeing nothing.  I've run through about 10 or so of the various stories and my brain clicked back into place a little bit. Not entirely but I will explain that in a bit.


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It's Beyond Me, I Cannot Carry the Weight of the Heavy World

Saturday, June 10, 2017 2 comments
Have you ever had a moment where you just needed to cry?  Not wanted to, not forced to because of circumstances but needed to because things were broken.  Perhaps you were broken and tears were the only way to start healing.  I've talked about this before with people I'm teaching.  When you've been logical or preoccupied or just holding it together because you didn't have the support you needed to properly fall apart then sometimes you don't ge the opportunity to cry until much much later.  I remember feeling that way after my father died.  I cried that night but after that there was little time or opportunity to do so.  I had to figure out how to pay bills, arrange his funeral, let his craptacular family know, take care of his ex-wife and most importantly my younger brother.  Life sucked and as much as it sucked there was no space for me to really sit down and cry.  I didn't do that until much later when my furniture didn't show up as planned after I moved.  Then I sobbed like a big stupid baby.  But over the years I have had moments where I felt like I was back in the exact same place. 


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Life Could Be a Dream...

Saturday, May 20, 2017 No comments

No idea why that song is stuck in my head right now.  I could say that it's because of the cold medicine that is not working but that definitely isn't it.  I could say it's the time of the year that normally throws me off something awful because of the anniversary but I can't say that either.  It just popped in my head has been there for a bit.  Work is caught up for the moment.  I got new drugs so hopefully those work when I start taking them. 

Meh moving on.  So in my last post I mentioned noticing a pattern in my relationships.  I also saw something else that may make more sense in all of this shortly but I'll get to that in a bit.  I've often joked that I'm part boy because I just don't react to things the way most women do.  It's not that I couldn't I just don't.  In my relationships right now I feel like I'm emotionally dead center between the two of them.  Well let me say that I've felt like I'm emotionally dead center.  I'm probably overthinking all of that right now, thus this post, but yeah more words.  I've often wanted more emotional investment from one and less from the other.  And in looking at how I've interacted with them I think one wants more emotion from me and the other wants less.  So I've watched the push pull play out across the relationships and it's frustrated me until recently.  And that would be because recently I just shut down. 

I'm tired a lot.  I'm busier than I want to be most of the time.  Even when I think I have a bit of time to myself someone comes and jacks that.  I was briefly thinking time with my partners could rectify that but nah probably not right now cause I'm just in a funky place.  I'd eventually chill out but by then I'd be ready to go home.  I'm not even in a place that I could be overwhelmed by either of them which I kinda love and rely on some days just to make my mind shut down.  A lot of change is happening around me and I do tend to shut down a bit when that is happening but what's going on now isn't on the level of shut down.  Maybe it's a bit of everything.  Because if I'm honest the world at large is a bit fucked up and making me annoyed.  And if I could move abroad right now I would because I would just like to be an expat.  But I'd miss my family too much and my mother wouldn't really adjust well to living abroad in her 60s. 

I'm honestly not being a good submissive at the moment either.  I'm not asking for help nor am I trying to provide it.  I could do both but I'd suck at providing it right now and I'm not sure anyone could help with my issues.  I need a chef, maid, driver, and masseuse.  If that crew also happened to make me laugh that would be great but I'm short as hell right now with folks if they piss me off right now so yeah that's not a good idea.  I'd just have a bunch of angry folks cooking my food and tending to my car--that's a bad situation to be clear.  I don't want folks spitting in my food or giving me off brand gas because I didn't smile when they did something I asked.  Hopefully I'm not letting anyone down in the moment cause I'm not sure what's left of me to give after a regular day.  And I'm not sure how to get back to a good place at the moment. 

Ahh well time for drugs, food and sleep.

 

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When Naps Attack or Don't

Sunday, May 14, 2017 No comments
I planned to write this post yesterday.  I was desperate for a nap.  Things calmed down and I was mid drool when the banging started.  Had it been nocturnal fucking yeah for me but it was the middle of the day and yeah I was solo so no unexpected sleepy moisture.  I tried to ignore it and then just as quick as it started it ended.  So I lay back down and was almost asleep again but then shit started up one more time.  That pattern repeated a few more times and then I gave up and binge watched the rest of 13 Reasons Why.  It's so damn slow but I know what happened now and I can ponder on it and how to incorporate it into other things as I know young folks are all very invested in it and the fact that there will be a second season.  Not sure what that will be based on since there isn't a second book but fuck it this is the land of make believe and that's what folks want to mess with right now. 

So today was Mother's Day and as I still have one of those I took mine out for the day.  We saw a movie, had a good meal, and then I let her round up food at all of her favorite spots that we don't have locally and headed back to the house.  She's funny some days and I love her so that's a good thing.  You probably won't see many of those posts here cause she's normally driving me nuts but she's always my biggest cheerleader and pain in the ass so gotta love her.

That had nothing to do with this post just a general aside as I'm working through things with my fingers.  I also just chopped my fingernails off because I broke one at such a jacked up angle I couldn't salvage it and it would have looked super strange with the others.  Whoops hold on.  Gotta through the laundry in the dryer otherwise I will have wet clothes and nothing I want to wear to put on my ass in the morning.  Okay I'm back so yeah that was just a random tangent.  The other stuff will be tangential too.

I am an odd duck if you haven't figured that out.  When I get stressed or upset I rarely lash out at anyone nor do I asked for help.  I tend to get way introverted and introspective and need time to sort things out.  Offers of support won't be ignored outright but there's usually no way to get me out of that place unless we play hard or I go on vacation.  Neither of which has happened since I got back from Amsterdam and well that is still a bit of a cluster fuck of emotions so I have kind of tucked that away for now.  I have had a realization about my relationships for a while now that I've tried to change or challenge and alter but it doesn't shift very much.  Seeing it clearly is somewhat disturbing because I don't see how to readjust that in a productive way for me.  So where does that leave me?  Confused like normal.  I love them both.  I do better when I see or talk to them both regularly.  But I'm also in a place where there's a weird line between enough and too damn much and it's never squarely in the same place.  I kind of think I should go to therapy but I gotta find the right person and the time to do it.  I need a plan b to healthy functional relationships cause plan a isn't quite working.

Back to the laundry, tennis, cartoons and ID network I go.

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In Retrospect, I believe I've Made a Mistake

Sunday, April 16, 2017 No comments
Happy Easter to all of those that celebrate.  I'm laying in bed wearing part of what I left the house in yesterday.  I can't sleep in pants.  It drives me nuts.  Unless I'm on a plane and undressing mid flight seems like a bad idea.  Before I get deep into this post it's not about anyone in particular but a series of fucked up things that are coming to a head this morning.  I seriously doubt that anyone is aware of the situations and even if you do outing someone is also shitty behavior so shut the fuck up.

I've mentioned before that I stay too long and periodically give people way too many chances but the other thing I think I forgot was the random eradication of my spinal column.  It's not constant but in the moments I notice it I'm pissed.  If I allow you into my space that means something.  If you take a giant dump in that space and then walk away that means something as well.  I don't rage about it.  I become indifferent to you.  Anger still implies caring to me and in that place when I'm cleaning up your shit I know longer care.  Mostly for my protection but also for yours.  But here's the rub.  When or if I get pissed shit is not good for anyone involved.  I can be petty.  I can be vengeful.  I can be your worst nightmare wrapped up in a five foot four body.  What I'm coming to realize is that lack of anger at your shitty behavior makes you believe that all is well.  It's not but since you aren't getting the standard reaction you don't fully apologize for being shitty.  Do I always need or want an apology?  Nope sometimes I just want folks to go away.  I need to get better about conveying that though.   That's my fault.

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When Do You Feel Like Enough?

Sunday, April 02, 2017 2 comments
So this post will be in direct contrast on one level to the lovely vacation recap.  I am very aware of my insecurities and most days I can keep them at bay.  I'm smart, able to pay my bills with no intrusions, take vacations when I can, can cook and back and no those are not the same things, I'm good at my job and appreciate most humans most of the time.  That doesn't mean the worries that plague others aren't always running through my head.  I'm trying to figure out when those things go away.  Maybe not entirely but enough that they don't plague my brain on the rare occasions I am not operating it like a steel trap.  In no particular order her are the things that threaten to take me under some days.

  • When do I stop caring about my partners' other partners?  Why am I worried about how I compare?  If I am going to be replaced there's little to nothing I can do about it and whining and reacting just seems to frustrate all of us but mostly me.  No I don't bruise easily.  No I'm not submissive just because I am in His presence, gotta drop that shielding.  No I'm not nearby.  Those things are only deficits if I let them become deficits but when small and submissive me is present she worries and she wants to be reassured and the problem is those fears can't be entirely eliminated no matter what.  I know that when I'm rational.  I know that when I've come up from the bottom of my subdrop.  But in that pit I feel worthless and there's not enough chocolate or stroking in the world to make it better.
  • I stay too long at the party professionally.  Why am I never the first one out of my job when I'm not completely happy?  What am I worried about?  I'm competent and have done amazing things that other people will care about in the future but yeah I don't ask and I don't end up anywhere until it's past time?  I have a new opportunity at work and I was thinking of asking for what I thought was a reasonable pay upgrade to offset the extra work.  A coworker said double it with no blinking.  They'd ask for it and probably get it and I'm going meh they aren't trying to hear that.  Why not?
  • I love my friends but I don't feel the love back unless I have something going on.  They complain about not seeing me but they always want to get together during the busiest times of my job.  Nah I can't drop everything and meet you down there at the end of the month.  I'm in the fourth circle of hell at the end of the month.  I never say that though cause it becomes me making excuses and they just wanna hug on me.  I'm free in July, tossed that out there, got shut down immediately and end of that conversation.  This is partly why I don't connect with very many people anymore.  My life operates on a non traditional schedule from those in the private sector.  Yeah I would love the hugs and the bonding but not the guilt and the sharing beds--we are fucking 40 no to the sharing beds.  Hell I'm not keen on sharing rooms now.
  • I debate my submission every six months at least.  I am not like the others.  I feel like an imposter.  Maybe I'm just really kinky with a high pain tolerance.  The subspace is just my legal high.  Maybe I'm just sexually submissive.  Maybe I'm really screwed up and if I just got some therapy I'd not like men who want to demean me or abuse me or degrade me at all.  Maybe I'm not as screwed up as I think but lost all ability to relate to "normal" men and this is what I got left.  
  • I don't really understand the concept of love so I make it more difficult than it needs to be.  It's not always meant to be hard and it's not always going to be easy but my version is dumb and that's why I don't get what I want in the end.  Picking stupid ends up with stupid picks right lol.  Except I don't pick most of the time.  They pick me and isn't that worse cause I don't even have the stones to say hey I want you first lol.  God I suck.
Okay so maybe not all of that is true or valid.  But in the pit that's the pinnacle of the brain fuck I can give to myself.  It's frustrating and I need it to stop.  I really really need it to stop.

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Let's Play a little George Michael: Kissing a Fool

Saturday, April 01, 2017 No comments
So it's April Fool's day and I seriously debated playing a prank but I neither have the patience nor the creativity this year.  I wasn't being super creative now I really do like the song.  It's very mellow.  Something I imagine I'd have listened to in a jazz club as I nurse a heartbreak over lots of cocktails in an ankle length flapper dress.  Okay so maybe my creativity is still there if I don't have to actually do anything with it. 

I am almost two weeks removed from my vacation now.  The two new tattoos I got while I was there are mostly healed.  The larger one looks amazing.  The smaller one needs a bit of a touch up and I'm okay with that.  Colors don't always pop on my skin and this one is in an odd location for me so it's hard to figure out what is normal in terms of color sticking.  I will probably do it later this summer when I have a bit of down time again.  That's why I got them in Amsterdam.  I have no free time well no prolonged free time to do things sometimes.  Hmm so let's move beyond that.

The trip was amazing and nothing that I planned on happening really took place.  Well almost nothing but that's a different subject that I'll come back to later.  I was feeling out of step with everything and everyone when I left.  I really wanted to hop on a plane to another location but Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman were both scheduled to meet me in Amsterdam at some point in time.  I tried to stifle that and just enjoy a long flight during which I watched a few movies and binged eight episodes of The Good Place.  I landed early, took a train into the city proper, got to check into my hotel the moment I got there and after a bit of rest started to venture out with Mr. Wolf who I am sure was wondering why I was still in bitch mode lol.  Regardless of my disposition we had a good time exploring the city and checking things out.  Eventually I settled into vacation mode and was more hospitable.  The Dutchman stopped by for what was supposed to be a longer visit but an unfortunate family emergency popped up and he had to cut his time with us short. 

Emergency and missing Dom threw off my equilibrium for a bit that morning but Mr. Wolf hugged, molested and distracted me until I was ready to take on the world again and we set off to finish conquering the city.  And so we did.  My ridiculous walking spree continued during this vacation.  I didn't hit 10K steps every day but over the course of seven days I averaged 10K steps each day.  I ate a lot of good food.  I had treats that I hadn't anticipated.  Made friends with some of the staff at one spot because I was in there so much lol.  Was mistaken for a Dutch resident more often than not lol.  The vacation fed my spirit and my submissive soul which was good and needed.  It reminded me to speak up more.  I can't get what I want if I don't ask for it.  I've tried to do that more since I have returned because I didn't do a bang up job of that before The Dutchman arrived. 

There was a brief moment that I can only describe as blissful.  I won't get into it too much now but in all of my poly weirdness and abject devotion to men I love was almost floating I was so happy.  Could have been an overload of endorphins from pain and sex but it was amazing.  I had a bitch of a drop on Monday this week and it felt like everything else left in me seeped out from that trip.  I'm better now and a trip to the gym helped. I think I tweaked a muscle though which wasn't cool.  For right now it's time for a late lunch and maybe some sleep.

How is your April starting?

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Speaking in Metaphor

Saturday, March 04, 2017 2 comments
So on my commute to work and back the last few days a song I was obsessed with months ago keeps playing and it seems fitting given my current mental and emotional state.  Shortly after that song plays a new song that I'm slightly obsessed with also plays.  It's an interesting juxtaposition of mood but both are accurate.  I tend to be a glutton for punishment in relationships mostly because I don't take my own advice.  I know that love has never been enough to sustain any kind of relationship but until that emotion is totally and completely out of my system towards someone I can't walk away.  I still love both of my partners more than I don't.  I'm just exhausted right now.  Thus nothing feels good or intriguing or even interesting if I'm honest.  And right now I'm slightly fixated on noticing how much heavier one of my boobs is than the other.  Like it's bugging the shit out of me right now.  Not enough that I'd likely do anything about it but if the yet to be scheduled mammogram means I have to do some sort of intervention then I will likely have it addressed.  Apparently lots of women have the same issue but until it's really noticeable the doctors say chill.


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Happy Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 14, 2017 No comments
Just giving a shout out to the random folks that still stop by. Hope you had a good day. Follow my blog with Bloglovin

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It's raining and I'm (Re)hearing Music

Sunday, February 12, 2017 No comments
Anyone who has been around here for a while knows I listen to music as much as I can and firmly believe that some songs pop up when I need to hear them.  It's raining right now.  Slow, soft, enough to make me miss people I cared about but not so much that I'm worried about the roof leaking.  I can't say hi to either one of them.  They are gone from my plane of existence so really I'm left with memories and music.  You may or may not listen to a lot of older R&B music but let me let you in on the song currently cycling all out of order in my head.  If you aren't in the mood to listen to the song you can grab the lyrics here.



So as I am sitting here being lulled into reverie by the rain drops it occurs to me that I used to belt this song out in the car, the apartment the wherever with so much passion that you couldn't tell me I wasn't Jill.  But hearing it now, and a few days ago, I realized that I never really gave power to the words in the way that I should.  I could and did lose myself in the stanzas I can pay my own light bill baby, put my own gas in my own car.....but around the lines that trip me up now and should have then are the same ones that get me in trouble constantly when it comes to my relationships are firmly embedded in the chorus.  I need you yeah sometimes so hard to say....I love deeply when I love.  I want their love in return.  I want to wake up and be halfway ugly and they still pull me close and kiss my funky morning breath face hello,  I want to be what they desire of me and in return get what I desire of them but need trips me up each and every time.  Need, as I've mentioned, implies dependence and while you should be dependable you are likely not going to be the first person I consult on some things just because you lack the expertise or you are going to say something like do whatever you think is best and that wasted a lot of time.  I have had more than one person including my former, and current, partners get frustrated by that and I apologize but the one thing I can't give someone is neediness. 

I found myself swaying in the car the other day when the song started playing and I literally stopped cold in my song styling when it got to I need you yeah because it felt like I was being a fraud.  Hell I felt fraudulent singing I can kill the spider above my bed even though it's hard because I'm scared.  Spiders only scare me if they are scrambling out reach or are gigantic.  Normal spiders just get murdered on sight.  My lack of need and insistence on wanting being a superior position for most men has often made people think I was cold or uncaring.  Truthfully I can be a big old pile of mush in the right circumstances but it's typically not with my partners either cause crying uncontrollably is generally not sexy.  They get my happy.  They might get my angry.  They can have my sarcastic and dry humor.  My need yeah got nothing there.  Unless it's need for sexy time and yeah that is a need one could fill but if I only need you for sexy time and don't want to be bothered with you the rest of the time that's not a good luck either.  I like being able to joke and be silly and analyze the hell out of song lyrics or movie lines or bad WWE storylines--like seriously fire some of the writers, when I can figure shit out it frustrates me--because that's when you can get to my soft underbelly and see really chill me.  Okay I'm rambling now.  Gonna listen to the rain and watch tape delayed tennis. Follow my blog with Bloglovin

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Just so fresh and clean

Wednesday, February 08, 2017 No comments
Okay folks.  I've been off the grid again for a while.  A few months ago I was alerted by my hosting provider that the contract was coming up for renewal and let's just say the price tag was massively unappealing.  I reached out to my original revamp designer and she's out of business.  I found new folks who rocked on etsy and after buying a new template to overhaul the site is back to its former glory mostly.  There are clearly some changes.  I got rid of the grope button.  It felt dated and I wasn't sure anyone ever actually used that thing.  The labels look different but I may be able to fix that--not sure right now.  And the bottom doesn't have all the pages numbers listed just older posts.  But hey if you are super nosy you can click on the right hand side and peruse a month to see what's there or a label and it will do the same thing.  Things are also centered in some places which is also a bit different but we'll have to rock with that for a while.

I have a post about relationships dancing around in my head that I may or may not share at some point.  But I will say before I sign off for the night that I recently took a quick trip to London.  I mostly ate too much, slept in and broke my Hitachi lol.  I've replaced it with the big daddy upgrade version and oh my.  It's sleepy time for me.  Between the random snow, strange as hell dreams, and the lack of mental energy I need to just wind it down.  Hope you all are doing well.

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