you don't know my name lol

Sunday, November 27, 2022 No comments

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a huge Alicia Keys fan even though I give her mad props as a pianist and songwriter.  Her voice doesn't vibe with me usually.  This song seemed appropriate for the post so I'd like to acknowledge her in this moment.  Not the whole song, just the you don't know my name part lol.  And especially not her stalking Mos Def for no other reason than she thought he was cute.  That's some stuff we can get away with sometimes but if dudes did it we are usually gonna to ask why is he being creepy.  I am off track a bit.  This is really tied to part of what I shared in a previous post.  For some reason I hadn't told GN that Mr. Wolf had died.  I told him yesterday mostly just to make sure he didn't ask again or it came out weird if I mentioned anything else.  I had been thinking about the cranky blog posts which magically stopped in 2019 or he deleted stuff later but regardless it was on my mind.  There aren't a tone of posts on the front page and I didn't go through every month because legitimately I was trying to decide if I was angry of if I just hadn't been attending to my intuition while we had been together.  I'd go with a little of both.  Displeasing Mr. Wolf meant you were going to get your own label at some point.  He'd be in the wrong but if you triggered it more than likely he was labeling you in his head at a minimum.  You could apologize for triggering him and his irritation was palpable but it didn't bubble up in that moment.  I probably stayed with him longer than I should have to avoid being the subject of his vitriol at some point but that was stupid. Reading the blog again was equally stupid  Because outside of my emotions what I got from it was this man was broken.  He wanted women who conformed to his way of life and at the pace he wanted.  If you didn't do those things then it was you that was the problem period.  During our entire relationship he kept saying that I wasn't responding to him because he overshared initially.  Well not exactly.  We had discussed our wants for the future.  One his was marriage and kids.  By the time he met me marriage was off my interest list and I was physically unable to have children.  I was good with both of those things.  It wasn't me posturing for a proposal or lying to myself.  Instead of hearing and accepting those were not things I wanted from any long term relationship he shared very early that he thought he could marry me.  Despite my protests and clearly stating there was gonna be no babies, he was convinced he could wear me down.  He was also unwilling to discuss adoption.  We didn't want the same things and while I was okay with that what came from it was that I didn't want him to be direct with me about what he wanted.  I mean sure that's a way to interpret it but it was incorrect.  It did impact my submission but not in the way he thought either.  I'm a girl that loves a daddy dom.  But something in him still has to trigger my inherent need to serve.  That was never present for us and while I felt bad about it initially I assumed he was getting his need to command met in these other dynamics.  I was wrong and I failed both of us by not ending it sooner.  I waited for him to cut things off because I was preoccupied and none of my romantic relationships were a high priority.  So I became what I feared which is unfortunate but it's good to get a glimpse into how someone really feels about you.  Or felt about you I guess.  I hope he's reunited with his wife and is at peace.  I know that I finally am with all of this.  So this will probably be the last time I speak about him again.  

ETA: I should have also walked away upon hearing him disparage other women so I'm not a victim here.  I ignored some of his bad behavior because I liked him to a degree.  I understand a bit better now why that relationship was not gonna work out and how my behavior contributed to other women being harmed.  I move away from people and things that hurt people when I can and I didn't do it here.  I need to sit with that for a while and work to be better.  It's raining and now I'm thinking about RS but that's not worth the gray matter since we have not spoken in a decade plus.


social media, reality tv and random thoughts

Sunday, November 20, 2022 No comments

i was scrolling Twitter yesterday and someone posed the question: are you really good being single or have you accepted it because that's all you've ever known.  i was struck by that because it made me think was i really good being single.  and i sat with that for a while.  i really am.  i don't mind being single but i don't mind when i have a partner.  i'm a serial monogamist.  long-term relationships are great until they aren't and i don't feel extreme motivation to keep them moving when they are no longer great.  sacrificing my peace of mind, well-being or what have you to say that i have a partner seems just stupid so nah i'm not going to do that.  would i like a partner?  some days sure but others not at all.  what i think i really want is a steady fuck buddy because i like my buy life and the random shit i do by myself.  having a partner could add to that if it's the right partner but thus far none of them have been the right forever person.  that was random thought spike or intellectual rabbit hole number one.  

number two popped up because i can't watch my favorites compete sometimes because they make me anxious and because Hallmark is on a Christmas movie kick until January so i can't just binge watch old episodes of The Golden Girls.  so instead i've been watching train wreck reality tv in the form of Sister Wives.  the man child in the situation is spinning out of control because one of them has decided to not deal with his BS anymore and it's not the one that he wishes would leave.  now why that one won't leave is beyond me because he won't ever reconnect with her on any level and only really likes her in this moment because she's defending this foolishness.  she's also gotten really close to the favorite wife suddenly which is weird because it won't make the man child return to her.  what i've discovered in this craptacular binge is you can fold yourself into knots and suffer and it won't really matter if the person who you are pining for would rather have squares or octagons or whatever the fuck.  and that even when they want a knot, if they have to go fluff it up to keep it healthy then they will likely blame you for not having the support you need to stay all knotted up. also while man child and his clear favorite don't see it this way, the minute he nuked the previous hierarchy to bring her in the family things were on a timer.  he abandoned his only legal wife which is what led her to seek solace from a stranger on the internet.  he just described his relationship prior to the third wife entering as a mess which is a direct slam on the first and second wife.  his plan matters more than these women's feelings and well-being.  he is trash and they all need to bounce.  but whatever.

this made me revisit my attempt at polyamory.  and i can admit now that i was the man child in that situation.  i had my favorite clearly and that wasn't fair to the person who was propping me up.  i was his favorite to some degree which wasn't fair to the folks that were propping him up.  none of us was as honest as we needed to be and that's what needs to be present if you are in any relationship but especially one that involves more that one relationship.  part of that was an issue because they didn't want to talk to each other (they being Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman) and one of them didn't want me talking to his other folks.  and i should correct that, The Dutchman would have been receptive to conversation.  he was more than willing to share how he was able to control me in ways that Mr. Wolf could not.  however, even bringing that up made Mr. Wolf cranky.  i am not sure if it was jealousy or triggering that he wasn't capable of controlling me in the way i liked but it was a loud conversation and one that i didn't broach again.  i should have ended one relationship at that point and focus but i didn't because i was giving poly a shot.  ahh well.  i may not be poly.  i'm definitely not sister wife material.  i'm not sure i'm single wife material so yeah i should just focus on the one person whenever i find them lol which would require looking which yeah not doing that right now.  ahh well again.

addendum: sometimes the universe does exactly what it needs to do which is great.  and sometimes it waits because if you knew the things when you probably wanted to know them then you would likely torch the planet and person.  i haven't really checked in on fet much and as a result haven't cleaned up my friends lists or visited any pages.  writing this made me think about some of Mr. Wolf's writings.  in his last few posts he seemed to be making peace with past failures and i wanted to see that for some reason.  i logged in to get to his page and access the blog.  i think it was pretty much what i thought but nothing earth shattering.  for some reason though i was motivated to click the blog profile because i knew there had been another blog listed there before that was gone.  and then i stumbled on his vent blog that was public facing for some reason.  this was his ranting blog apparently.  every time a woman made him angry or didn't respond to his whatever the way he expected, he posted about it there.  sometimes with our given nicknames, sometimes with slurs and other times with just our real names.  in the grand scheme of things none of that matters now.  he did lie about it at the time because i asked him about him directing his chosen slurs at me and he denied it.  i am not sure if i fully believed him then and now i know i was right to doubt him.  that just made me go back in and clear out my friends list on Fet of connections to him and other people that i knew were no longer accessing the site regularly.  not all of them because i didn't feel like combing through the list right now.  but if we don't talk and haven't for some time then there's no reason to maintain that even stupid digital connection. especially as one or two of them would have heard him hurling the slurs out and said nothing to me.  i'd say i'm disappointed if i was but i'm not.  it's just good to know that i wasn't wrong and that it may explain why i wasn't more moved by his passing.  the universe knew better, even if i didn't.


where are you man that i am not really searching for

Saturday, November 05, 2022 No comments

I may have just told a lie on twitter lol.  I mean not entirely.  Someone asked the single folks how many more rounds of talking to someone we had left in us and I was maybe more confident than I should have been.  I am really good being single in the sense that it would be nice to have a partner but I am in no way stressed about not having one right in this moment.  But I also said I knew what I wanted even though I was making no effort to find it.  That last part after the but is entirely true.  I don't think I've ever pursued a dominant partner--at least not at the beginning.  In very brief retrospect, I've either been pursued or stumbled into a potential partner on accident.  Some were more aggressive than others in their pursuit which hey do you.  And others had good reasons for being accidental objects of my affection.  Also with more reflection maybe that's a different part of the problem.  Since I didn't pursue them none of them worked out.  I was grateful in some cases to have been chosen and then got anxious and insecure about what may happen in the future because I felt like most folks were out of my league or just had other options.  Who knows at this point?  What I can say is I think I want a man that is funny, self-assured, completely single, comfortable in his dominance, and ready to be open to my absolutely weird schedule.  I'd love them to be local but given where I live that is unlikely.  Multilingual would be a treat.  Passport holder would be amazing.  Someone that can teach me new things while I share my interests and we settle into a comfortable but engaging pattern with each other.  I would really love an accent but that's my fault.  Two of my past partners were born outside of the states and had lovely accents.  Or at least lovely for me.  Hair is optional lol, love of Prince would be good but isn't crucial.  However if they hate Prince we won't work out.  So maybe I do know what I want while doing literally nothing to find them.


dreaming of wakanda

Thursday, November 03, 2022 No comments

If Wakanda had an entry port and a visa program, I'd probably be on the first thing smoking right now.  I need to be ensconced in Black space right now and my most recent trip to Atlanta gave me none of that unfortunately.  I left FetLife and while I miss what it used to be, it hasn't been that in long enough that I can't say I miss what is there now.  I miss Dark Connections and Black Beat and all of the things that I know take lots of money and energy to put together but hey life is all about change.  It's why I will probably be departing Twitter soon too.  It's already become a little bit of a shit show but with a newly conservative toddler in charge who wants to bring back free speech (insert eye roll here).  Much like Fet, the entitled white men are running amok with their hurt feelings and fragile unloved penises.  I miss spaces where we could bask in Black excellence without intrusion.  Enjoy the swagger and conversation and joys and pains and triumphs and setbacks without outside intrusion.  I miss being with my friends and observing the eye candy with a QOS floating in and messing up the vibe.  I miss Black Masters who have Black slaves so there is no race play or fetishization happening.  I just miss us being able to be us.  So maybe it's not Wakanda directly but I'm missing the melanin. 


finally turned on the heat

Tuesday, October 18, 2022 No comments

Last night the weather was finally gonna dip below freezing and while my AC had been set to way cooler than I like it to be, it hadn't really been on the last week consistently because the outside temp was not warranting it.  The last few days though the weather was having one of those keep playing with me if you want to moments and I finally caved.  It's still not hot up in here, it's only set to 65, but this house is much more insulated than our old one and thus that actually has the bedrooms warm.  The kitchen/living room not so much and we'll need to turn on the fireplace if we are gonna hang out there--not long surprisingly but still it will need to come on--but really outside of the times I'm cooking or we're watching something goofy on TV, I do not spend a ton of time in that space.  I slept great last night though.  No shivers or chills.  I kinda wanna go back to sleep but it's noon and that would be a bad idea.  But it's a bad idea kinda day so who knows.  Hope everyone is doing well.  Not sure who is even still reading this except me lol.


Kinky Girl Down

Friday, October 14, 2022 No comments

I have been burning the proverbial candle at both ends.  Lots of major things at work and home and trying not to lose my mind in process.  Today I turned in one of the last major projects I had to do and that allowed me to just be still for a while.  I didn't respond to too many more emails, took mom out for her pointless shopping trips and then made it back to eat lunch.  I've been trying not to doze off after reading my choose your own adventure updates but it's a struggle.  I should also say that after or as the last of the journal prompts went up I sent one final message out to The Dutchman.  It wasn't a tearful plea that we start things up again or an angry missive that he didn't reach out to me.  It was a long email written over the last seven months that I didn't want in my draft emails anymore.  We haven't spoken since April or maybe before that shit but it was time to really turn the page.  I'm debating deleting the apps that would allow me to check in on him beyond fetlife which I don't use regularly anyway.  I don't really use them so it's not a win to have them outside of resist bot.  We'll see.  I'm finally healed up again.  That could be why the smutty dreams are returning and the random shower masturbation has ramped up.  Like I thought about being back in Amsterdam and my heart didn't do a pitter patter but instead was like ma'am how we gonna get through that long ass airport line without murking people.  Those plans got scrapped because I was really planning on heading to a concert but it's a festival which means no seats and I am entirely too old to enjoy that life.  Well for anyone but maybe Prince or Michael Jackson and that ship has sailed.  I will look for something else but I like to rest between songs I need to belt out full throated and off key.  

I have a few days off work and I am gonna finish setting up my room and getting rid of some of these boxes that do not matter to me at all.  I may see if people want to have lunch or dinner but really I may also do absolutely nothing beyond making dinner and letting my brain rest.  I went down the internet rabbit hole for a while lol.  I should eat dinner and relax.  Y'all enjoy yourselves.


Weekly Post #24 the end

Sunday, October 09, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished.  This is a random repeat and I'm not sure why but I am polished more than I'd like to be.

Prompt for tomorrow: All my soul follows you and circles you.  I am sometimes wistful for this but I'm realistic enough to know it's probably something that would overwhelm me.

Prompt for Tuesday: You're not the only one that makes mistakes but they are the only things that you can truly own. No I'm not but it sometimes feels like my mistakes are more detrimental to my long-term happiness.  They have not been I know that but it feels like one or two better decisions and maybe I'd be cuddled up somewhere in France and not here.

Prompt for Wednesday: To give real service, you must add something that cannot be bought. When I first saw this I went well of course but if you had resources to create service that you could no longer physically provide then that would be fantastic.  Ideally you would give of yourself but if you could not then by all means find a way.

Prompt for Thursday: The expression of devotion through obedience is the cornerstone of submission, but it is the complete surrender is the goal. This feels like a Maslow Hierarchy of Needs for submission.  Yeah I guess complete surrender would be good but it an interesting thing to try to achieve.

Prompt for Friday: The most satisfying thing in life is to have given a large portion of oneself to others.  Nope it is not.  It's to hear about how that service has benefited whomever you were able to serve. 

Prompt for Saturday: It is in the touching of one self to another that we become most fully ourselves. This is beautiful.  I haven't had anything but bursts of this but when it happens then I'm a happy girl.

Bonus #1:True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.  I agree with this.  I like the creation stage and watching something turn into something profound or noteworthy.

Bonus: #2: Our life evokes our character. As we can see when famous people die, their overall public perception or character will be embraced or dismantled. 

Bonus #3: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  This is the most poignant thing I read in the quotes section.  I agree more than I want and I hope to feel it reciprocated again.


a year of submissive guide prompts & i forgot this part

Saturday, October 08, 2022 No comments

I will post the last of the journal prompts tomorrow which doesn't quite bring me to a year of posts because I just got over the daily posts.  Some of them were repetitive and others were just not applicable.  Even though it isn't up yet, I learned a lot from this exercise of thinking about my submission.  Mostly that my submission is just that mine.  I bought the prompts and book because The Submissive Guide and by default luna was one of the first submissives I was exposed to when I sought to understand this side of myself.  While it and places like Dark Connections, were resting places that allowed me to learn about myself a fair bit they were also not entirely great for me.  I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to other people in the vanilla realm because there are too many variables that come into play when it comes to making someone who they are.  In submission though, I kept looking for how to be better and be chosen and not be left and wasn't considering all of those individual differences and variables that make comparison massively unhealthy.  My life has literally never allowed for a full time live in dynamic and it likely never will.  My body has never made it taller than 5'4'' and when I was under 150 pounds I don't know that I had boobs.  I was seeking how to find a path and not recognizing again that each of our paths is entirely different.  While this year of prompts reminded me that I would like to be in community with other kinky people, it's also something I don't get easy access to unfortunately.  Not having those things doesn't make my submission less than.  It makes it decidedly different.  It's maybe gonna evolve but also may just be what it is now indefinitely.  I will still remain a person who would rather let her partner lead, enjoys a great thuddy spanking and depravity, and who needs a deep mental connection above all other things in order to be truly happy.  I don't know that I'm a better submissive but I'm a more secure one for having had the last year of prompts and whatever comes next is to be discovered.

I've been having some very involved sexual dreams again and I am remembering them when I wake up.  Not the feeling of like I need to cum right now but actual details of what transpired and why they were engaging.  The dreams don't really make sense in one way.  I "know" the man involved but he's not the man I know.  Like it's a friend from college's name and we're hooking up in a situation that I would be in with that person but they don't look like said friend or sound like said friend and there's literally no reason that I would fall into bed, get tied up and fucked into oblivion by said friend.  It's a different friend every dream as well so I don't feel like I'm secretly crushing on an ex.  I think I'm horny as fuck again and that is weird for me.  I've kind of put even dreaming or praying for a partner on the shelf for the last year.  Grieving my exes and what I wanted there was apparently rougher than I counted on but now at least my dreams are acknowledging that my body wants a partner even if my heart may not be entirely ready.  And I can't even say that.  I just don't know where to meet the new lust of my life.  I'm enjoying my fet hiatus after my brief foray back into the breach.  He'll stumble onto me at some point maybe.  I'm happy though.  And I let the last bit of angst go today when I sent an email and message.  It's time for the next big adventure.