Black girl down, tired of people and their bullshit

Tuesday, December 07, 2021 No comments

I almost skipped this because as the title states I'm done but this may be the last thing I do tonight.  Prompt: how do you define strength and do you see yourself as strong? could you see yourself submitting to someone less strong than yourself?  Legit couldn't make up the timing here and I tell other folks when we aren't dealing with something that thing slaps us in the face so here we go.  My short definition for tonight is strength is a Black woman.  No matter how we look, how smart we are, how much we do on our jobs, for our families, for our communities and for the fucking world they all somehow expect us to do more.  And 98 percent of the time we do that because if we don't we know the whole enterprise comes to a screeching halt.  But baby that 2 percent you would think we were spawns of Satan for saying newp not doing this shit with y'all today.  All of my life is strength and I am tired.  And shorter response to the second piece of this prompt--fuck no.  You don't have to be physically stronger than me but I damn sure need you to be mentally stronger than me because when I break you have to be able to hold me together.  If you can't do that then I don't need you and I won't trust you to lead me.


Hey You, Random person still reading, how ya doing

Monday, December 06, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt: What advice would you give a new submissive just exploring submission?  This feels like a bullet point list so that's what you are getting.

  1. Take your time learning.  You are not competing with anyone to be the best submissive ever.  Your journey is your journey period.  Go to classes if you can, read a ton if you can, make sure you get to know someone before you let them play with your emotions and breathe.  There will be another chance to be better and find a better fit.
  2. Don't get swept up in the desire of being wanted and forego normal vetting and red flags of potential partner.
  3. Be patient with yourself, you are going to make mistakes and that's okay
  4. Don't make rash decisions in the name of submission that you wouldn't make in the vanilla world
  5. Protect your peace and privacy as much as you need to do so
  6. Smile and enjoy your new home


Six & Seven Weeks In: Recap Post

Sunday, December 05, 2021 No comments


So I will say I started this last week and only go one sentence in.   This sentence----> I've been watching crap TV all day but thankfully one of those adventures got me onto new to me but old music by Train which will be good Christmas listening.  The movie was typical Hallmark filter and really the best part of the film were the Train Christmas songs.  I didn't listen to them this week though because I woke up in pain on Sunday and that has lingered throughout the week.  I will say that last week I didn't have much of a recap for you anyway because I was tired, anxious and the prompts themselves were not causing it.  As of this week, that's not the case.  I'm feeling better after four days of steroids and now a week past my booster shot.  That was pre Omicron but guess what, if they get a shot for that one or the next one or the next one I'm gonna get that one too. We signed the contract for our new house and will be moving, I hope, before the end of the year so I can start the new year unpacking and working out with my new Mirror that I bought so I can workout at home without worrying about people being germy or the next strain of whatever.  I'll probably downgrade my gym membership but there may be a day in the future that I just want to hit a treadmill or use someone's free weights and what not.  

This move and these prompts have made me more emotional than I was expecting.  I think a lot of things are converging right now.  The first being the ways in which my mother has been whining and unhappy about all aspects of the move because she can't turn the new house into a shrine for her old shit.  Don't get me wrong, losing crucial things would suck but I haven't had a house that I enjoy since she moved in with me almost two decades ago.  I've been having this conversation with her since we started in on this home search but apparently seeing that I wasn't making things up was too much for her brain and just made her distressed.  That in turn means she lashed out at me for disappointing her again.  There are some other lingering things but that's the gist of it.  We should never live together ever but it is what it is.  The prompts this week just made me feel inadequate.  I know the person that wrote the prompts comes from submission from a totally different place and with different kinds of relationships than I have had but I felt incredibly useless and like a failure to those that I had been with prior to now.  Lots of self doubt and not a lot else right now.  Thankfully no one is on this ride with me right now so I can be a mess without fear.


So it's Sunday again: Prompt 49

Prompt for today: What unexpected skill have you found to be most helpful in your service? Honestly, I can't answer this.  My ability to plan and freak out about the future means I normally have unexpected resources to support myself or emergencies that my Dominant partner experiences but those aren't really skills.  They just are things I do.  Yeah this was a weak response but it's all I have.


Stop it Saturday

Saturday, December 04, 2021 No comments

This week has been a whole lot of week.  I have more thoughts that I may come back and add but I want to tackle this prompt first: What is one of the most valuable services you can or do provide?  The honest answer is that I am very organized and if given a list or a task to accomplish I will strive to get it done with the utmost of my abilities.  It may wipe me out emotionally and it may drive me batty but it will get done.  The more nuanced answer is I am not feeling like I've ever provided anything of worth to the people I've served.  I was not there to provide a tangible service other than physical gratification and the ability to command a willing body.  With Mr. Wolf I periodically felt like I was topping from the bottom because he enjoyed the things that I enjoyed having done to me.  With GN and RS, I may have just been a port in the storm.  I don't know what the fuck I gave to Emperor or The Dutchman.  Outside of GN, I don't speak to any of them even semi regularly.  There are lots of reasons but all it amounts to is whatever I was offering was not sufficiently intriguing to be missed or desired.  The folks who do hit on me now don't seem to be looking for much more than a physical interaction.  I don't know what in the submissive world I am or what I represent other than a series of orifices to be plundered.


Fuck it it's Friday

Friday, December 03, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What ten words would you use to describe yourself to someone?

I am debating this and I'll probably just run a list instead of a paragraph so here goes:

  1. short
  2. silly
  3. focused
  4. dedicated
  5. submissive
  6. intelligent
  7. horny
  8. cook
  9. traveler
  10. sarcastic
That took longer than I thought because using compound words sounded like cheating.


Girl Been Hurt

Thursday, December 02, 2021 No comments

I haven't written in a few days because on Monday when I woke up my foot felt possessed by evil beings.  I thought it would subside by the end of the day but it did not.  It got worse over Monday and Tuesday as I had to be up presenting for several hours.  Wednesday I gave up on and just worked from home and then had a telehealth visit that ended up in a script for steroids.  Swear to God, within a few hours of taking the first dose my foot was like okay I'll act right.  Today it was a little sore but nothing like it had been.  I almost hesitated to take the dose for today but fuck that.  So I've taking it and am now relaxing.  Hoping it chills out but if not I'm going to work on the likely root cause of this episode ASAP.  I'm behind on prompts and will just do each one of them now.  Not sure how long it will take so this may end up being a two for Friday but hopefully not.


I somehow injured myself in my sleep...again

Monday, November 29, 2021 No comments

I really don't know how but I jacked up my foot overnight.  I limped around all day today but not sure if I can pull that off all day tomorrow.  I may do my early meetings and head home.  We'll see when I wake up.  I may just have to Zoom in and go to bed.  This may be short depending on the prompt and yep my recap post is late again.  But since the painkillers have not kicked in I'm not about to gut through the post.

Are you active in groups or communities with others in a similar lifestyle? Do you prefer to focus on your dynamic or to socialize and be involved with others?  Ideally, I'd love to be active in communities.  But right now I'm having to recreate those connections.  Dark Connections was my spot and it migrated and thrived for a while on Fetlife but now those folks have largely stepped away from the board.  Additionally, what used to feel more inclusive and bonded by our shared kink has started to mimic real life and the grossness on other social media platforms is there.  And ideally I'd like to be able to focus on my dynamic and socialize but if I only had one it would be the dynamic more than likely.  My good friends are still there regardless.