the worst part

Monday, July 19, 2021 No comments

this post will likely be a hot mess so if you keep reading you have been warned.  i have known that i was a submissive for twenty years.  in that time it was never fully safe for me to be out and about in the community but the internet made it easier to connect to people who understood BDSM especially as a Black person.  not easy now because there were still people that despite my stated interest would sneak into my inbox anyway but it was easier to stumble on the right one or two people to carry me to the next phase of my journey.  as i got older those people would be around longer and longer which was good but when they were gone later it sucked away a piece of me.  in those moments though, the community still seemed to be present to pick up the slack and keep me stable until the next long term relationship began.  over the last few years though that hasn't even been there.  

i've realized i like my world peaceful and arguing on the internet is not my style.  competing over some Dom's fleeting attention is even lower on my list of things to do with my time.  and i have never been able to have conversation for the sake of conversation.  add in to that the break in trust i had a few years ago with a former submissive friend and i'm not even sure it's worth trying to connect to people again.  and i shouldn't pin that totally on her and i falling out.  there was someone else that did something similar a few months before that and it just eroded my faith that Black women in the lifestyle could be open and friendly with each other over long periods of time in ways that were not transactional.  there may be but i haven't met them yet and i don't know if i'm ever going to be ready to step out there for that again.

which leads me to where this came from in the first place.  the worst part of what i'm feeling right now is realizing how easy it was/is for people that i have cared deeply about to forget i exist or even if they haven't forgotten to just step away without ever pausing to think about how i might be doing.  about how their absence may or may not be impacting me.  and i guess they don't really have to.  things are over.  i'm the one that's stuck or holding on to a piece of them inside of me.  i'm the one that randomly started crying for no reason earlier today.  and who is crying now thinking about how for the people i want to matter to the most, i'm not even something that matters enough for them to send a random hi message every blue moon.  Mr. Good Nyhte has been a gem lately but i'm still the one reaching out to him first. everyone has their new life without the old version of me in it.  

and i have late night blog posts, random cooking binges and daydreams about what went wrong.  i think that's all that's left for now.


Ben & Jerry's are my besties

Wednesday, July 14, 2021 No comments

I should be asleep.  I'm up eating ice cream instead, Whiskey Biz to be exact.  I have a presentation to give in the morning and while I will probably be fine, my mouth can get reckless when I haven't slept as much as I need to sometimes.  I'm not sure it will matter in this situation but hey whatever it's good to prepare when we can.  I need to modify another presentation to give on Thursday then I don't have to be "on" for a few days.  My locs are hitting the three year mark this weekend basically, I think I started them officially on the 26th of June but that's the middle of the week and I don't have time for that.  My hair is actually long enough that it can tickle my back now which I like more than I thought I would.  I'm still debating the length it needs to stay at in order for me to not be freaking out.  I still think I'm gonna let it grow out so that all locs are the same length and then go from there.  I've been debating something else.  Totally deleting my Fetlife account.  I've looked around a few times lately and no one is really missing me, they weren't when I was active on there though let's be honest, and I don't think I'll find another partner there.  I know what I'm looking for as I mentioned previously but not where to find him and I don't know if I'm ready to risk outing all of my personal business to find my ideal partner.  I even contemplated using a matchmaker at one point but let me tell you my pockets ain't deep enough for the ones I found online that were Black women.  Plus, saying he needs to be all these very generic things oh and be a stable, less stalkery, more realistic version of Mr. Gray seems like a bridge too far for the average person.  I seriously wish someone would create that kind of service though.  I know it's probably stupid on my part to worry about being outed by partners with nothing to lose but I have dated the folks I have because they respect my work enough to not wild out in that way.  Honestly, I'm gun shy too.  I want someone but I don't want to put myself out there again.  It's exhausting.  And COVID plus racism on steroids has me tired enough.  I miss the stupidity of college when all I needed was a hard dick with some staying power.  And it's always more comforting to think about hooking up with an ex because I already know their issues.  But it's not logical to keep dipping back into the past and hoping for a better outcome.  This isn't a Hallmark movie after all.  That would be nice because within a few weeks or months of me having my reconnect or meet cute moment, we'd both realize there was no one else in the world for either of us.  A girl can dream right, if she ever gets back to sleep.


Good Sleep and New Dreams

Sunday, July 11, 2021 No comments

I have these ebbs and flows with my energy, focus, emotions and submission.  Yesterday was likely a down day.  There's always too much to do and not enough time to do it in period.  I took the day off and let myself feel life.  It was good and I got my much needed reset.  I played games, watched bad tv, caught some tennis and ate takeout.  Side note: didn't expect that Kung Pao shrimp from Red Lobster would be a treat but let me tell you it was a banger.  I am almost tempted to send out for it again but I'll debate it.  As I was settling into the Djokovic match, and my inevitable angst when one of my favorite players is on, my timeline memories brought up my first trip to Amsterdam and views from my hotel room.  I LOVE that hotel y'all.  Like it's my favorite place to be solo.  The room is comfortable.  The views are amazing.  It's close to everything.  The food and drinks are amazing and all I have to do is check in and mind my business.  Explore and enjoy having a key card that lets me up to the top floors for drinks, better views and ridiculous service.  Of course I can't set up shop in a hotel forever but if I could that would be my spot.  I'd have to boost the WiFi but it would be well worth it.

Sorry had to take a pause because the match is now over and Novak was a dream killer again.  Not mine mind you but after losing the first set to his opponent, Matteo Berrettini, he won the next three including breaking the last serve in the fourth to take it 6-3.  I know folks don't like him because he so clearly wants to win and in most cases is just better than the folks they want him to lose to most days.  I tend to root for underdogs--and my favorite "villains" which I need to put in quotes.  They are only villains to folks who don't like them or because they can steal your soul when you play against them.  Novak is now tied with Roger and Rafa for 20 grand slam titles.  He's gotten there by winning three grand slams this year and is poised to potentially win the calendar year grand slam and provided he plays well in the Olympics the Golden Slam--all the grand slam titles plus the Olympic gold medal.  I'll keep my fingers crossed and my remote ready to flip to something else because I don't want my very much so able to control the outcome of a match anxiety from infecting Novak from across the television.  Yeah don't worry I know that's not true but doesn't make me comfortable watching until the match is almost over.  I was wondering how long it had taken Novak to get to 20 and much like Roger (15 years) and Rafa (15 years) it was just over a decade (13 years).  What I didn't realize was 19 or the 20 titles Novak has won came in a ten year period.  Dislike him forever if you must but the man is just ridiculously good.

So back to my meandering.  As I fell asleep last night, I said a quiet prayer.  More like whispered but that's not really the point.  I prayed for peace, for my family and friends to be safe and that if it was meant to be that a new love enter my life and give me whatever it was that I was meant to have.  I may have included that I dream about him overnight but I really can't remember.  I do know that I slept like a baby.  A fat happy well fed baby who just knew that it was the center of its loved ones' universe.  No dreams, no angst, no tears, just sleep.  And it was exactly what I needed.  A large part of me is sure I'll be single indefinitely.  Not because men suck or I'm not desperately looking but because my life doesn't easily make room for partners.  Maybe I won't but I'm leaving that up to the universe and whatever higher power isn't totally over taking care of me when I make silly mistakes to sort out.  I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy that for as long as I can.


Old Mattresses and Old Loves

Saturday, July 10, 2021 No comments


I've been meaning to post for a few days and honestly sheer exhaustion has kicked in each time.  Work is busy and I have been playing tennis most of the last month so yeah by my nighttime relaxation kicks in I'm ready for unconsciousness and not a lot else.  As I was changing the sheets today, I noticed the spot that I camp out in is of course denting in the bed.  Because of how my bed is situated in my current bedroom I don't flip it as often as I should but I think the flipped side has the same issue.  That got me to wondering about how old my mattress is.  I remember getting it not too long after I moved into our current home but not exactly when.  And I remembered that mostly because it was around the time that I met the Dutchman on Fetlife.  The day the bed was delivered I think was the first day we saw each other naked which is no small feat since we were still several thousand miles away but the energy he inspired in me was intoxicating.  I had to go dig out the message to be certain but it was about seven years ago now.  Reading over some of them reminds me of why I feel head over heals for him and why part of me will always miss him.  However, I can't hold on to memories when I wanna snuggle at night so it brings me to the point of the post.

I gave an interview to someone working on their dissertation.  It made me really ponder on being single, what I was looking for in a partner and if I was actively looking.  For the most part I enjoy being single.  There's no disappointment in flying solo and I know I'm not always the best partner.  And I'm super not actively looking but I almost never am when I meet someone.  Part of why I'm not actively looking though is I know more completely that I need a dominant partner who is confident in themselves and emotionally available more often than not.  I mean we all have walkabouts mentally and emotionally where we cannot handle anyone's stuff but our own.  I can appreciate that especially if you give me a head's up and say you know what shit is hitting the fan, I'll try to check in soon.  Or life is imploding but thinking about tying you up makes my dick hard.  Ok not my dick because I don't have one but you get the point.  It also made me think about why I don't date women and I think I've said it before but in case I haven't when I think about cuddling, or being dominated, or goofing off on the couch with someone that person is also male.  I want to fold into their hardness.  And yes I may be able to do that with a woman but that physical form would distract from what I find attractive about women.  That could also be because I have yet to find a woman that gets me off the same way men have.  I don't mean in the same way I just mean with the same frequency or intensity.  I've been sleeping with women just a few years shorter than with men, given not as often, but I still need something else to push me over the edge than just her attention.  

So there I am pondering and wondering which added with today's pondering made me wistful.  I like being swept up in the intense emotions of a new love and the easy friendship of a genuine partnership.  I don't enjoy watching those things disappear as the relationship marches on.  It's beyond frustrating because it takes so little to keep things together sometimes.  But thus far I haven't been able to master that skill.  So here I am, approaching eight years after a chance comment on a thread ended up exposing me to parts of my submission that I could not have guessed about.  I miss that intensely.  However, I can't predict when that lightening bolt will hit again or if it will at all. Until then, I am just relegated to enjoying free porn and smutty stories.


morning thoughts, bedtime thoughts are not the same

Sunday, May 30, 2021 No comments

I have literally no plan for this post so you are going to get some massive train of thought stuff here.  I'm watching the French Open which I love.  You never know what is going to happen on clay.  We've already had a retirement on the men's side, feel better Grigor, major upset on the men's side, go Pablo and boo Dominic you bother me lol, and a fine on the women's side for Naomi Osaka for not doing her post match presser as well as a promise for more heft fines up to default if she doesn't agree to do them.  That was cosigned by the other major tournaments so we'll see what comes of that.  The tournament also said they had reached out to her to address her concerns but she hasn't said a word so they can't fix what they don't know she wants.  Ahh well, the matches are still good.

I renewed the domain name for a few more years.  It's my totally passive aggressive way of ignoring that I don't know what I want to do with this space if anything other than blog.

And unrelated to any of that wholesome content lol I have been having some repetitive thoughts at night.  I keep envisioning someone who just lives between my legs at my beck and call.  The head is always bald as I lightly massage it and keep it on target lapping at my inner folds.  Someone like my ex that always made me feel like he was trying to put his entire face in my pussy and just camp out there until I passed out and then licked me awake again.  Then when I am good and sleepy I'd like to be penetrated while we spoon and dose off to bed but that allows me to wiggle on a dick in the middle of the night and when I wake up before we start all over.  Yeah fun dreams.


keep growing wherever you can

Sunday, May 09, 2021 No comments

I will have to come back to the title.  It's been pressing on me that I needed to post something soon.  Not sure why but it's been on my mind.  I think my last few posts were definitely stress induced--I may have mentioned that then but who knows.  Living in a pandemic is whole lot.  Living and working in a pandemic is a whole lot.  Living, working and taking care of other people during a pandemic is just a monumentally bad idea if there is no one there to help take care of you too.  I haven't had access to any of the things that would help me recharge over the last it feels like eighteen months but I know it hasn't quite been that long.  My solo vacation--cancelled.  My study abroad trip--cancelled.  My eating myself full and sleepy on vacation--cancelled.  Even the gym because I have not been trusting of my fellow man as of late--cancelled.  The only thing I've done that I'm excited about is go forward with building a new house.  That won't be ready until later this year and I still need to sell the one we are in and not lose a ton of money on it.  Which I am terrified about if my dreams are any indication.  But things always work out the way they are supposed to in the end.

My cilantro plants showed me that.  I was getting ready to restart them because they were looking a little wimpy and unable to support themselves.  Then I got busy for like a week or so and before I knew it they started sprouting back up from their prone position and are doing better than the basil which has now joined them in the top heavy movement.  Mom's slow growing Tiny Tim tomatoes have now started bursting into shiny red ripe relief and she's tickled.  I forgot how much I loved growing things.  I've only used a little cilantro and she's had a few tomatoes but I'm thinking I may want either a larger indoor or outdoor garden when we move.  I kind of want some cucumbers and potatoes and onions too.  Those probably won't do as well in the hydroponic garden unless I get some baby ones like the tomatoes.  Watching things grow is giving me my only real outlet this year and it's taking some time to figure out that process.  I just had a dumb realization that you don't need to know about right now but it may make things a bit easier on the growing front lol.  

Ah I know what prompted me to write this now.  Just took me a minute.  I have heard songs on the radio and read a few things over the last few weeks that made me reflect on my former dominant partners.  Even though I don't reach out to GN often, he always responds and usually makes me feel better.  I've checked on Mr. Wolf a few times when I felt like something was wrong.  It's brief but at least reassures whatever spidey sense was happening.  I've reached out to Dutch once or twice.  It's kinda gone nowhere but that's okay too.  I've been letting things go, really letting them go, for the last few months.  I'm not sure what is coming up soon, next or what but I wish that whatever is I hope it's good and fun and soon.


here i go again, making beautful mistakes

Saturday, April 03, 2021 No comments

I'm feeling better today.  It's still Saturday and I still ain't got nobody.  And honestly that is just what it is right now.  Work is busy but semi on autopilot.  Home life is improving even if I need to get back on the grind health wise.  After losing some weight, it has found me again.  I'm looking around a room that needs to be decluttered even while I plan on keeping some things that are important to me but a ton of other things it's time to release into the universe.  I do miss being secure in a relationship but let's be honest I am very rarely secure in the entire thing.  I know what I want in a partner but no longer am I certain it's what I needed.  Just had a random thought about the kind of famous men that catch my attention and overall they are commanding with what appears to be a goofy/sweet/protective side for those they care about.  Some are universally gorgeous and others more subtle in their energy but also more attractive to me in that way.  I think what I really want right now is someone who makes me sigh.  That deep soul acknowledgment that it has found its person kind of sigh.  And for once it would be nice if there was no external baggage attached to that.  That's not likely to be a thing especially as I get older but it's what would make me happy.  That person would let me just be the best version of me and help me keep pushing towards better.  At least that's what I hope.  Ultimately, I just have to be happy living my best life regardless of if there's anything more than a teddy bear along for the ride.


another saturday night and i ain't got nobody lol

Sunday, March 21, 2021 No comments

i'm sitting here exhausted, relieved and crying.  mom had a crisis and i had messed up dreams hoping she'd be okay.  i've given six or seven talks for my job in the last twelve weeks.  i've had to lead the charge on a few things while worrying about my job options.  and i'm upset because while i knew something would likely go a certain way i was still hopeful it may turn out a different way.  i really miss my dad and talking to folks that clearly care about me that i don't have to hunt down first.  i miss having community and being taken care of by someone that loves me.  i would really like to just be back on my dad's sofa, watching tennis or cartoons or science fiction and talking about life while he rubbed my hair and let me fall asleep.  but that won't happen and no one is going to come save me from myself.