hallmark movies may restore my fragile hope of love

Thursday, November 26, 2020 No comments

okay that's not true like even a little bit.  i love watching them right now because they are giving me a good cry when i need it or letting me enjoy the simplicity of just going back home to find the love of your life and your purpose.  i've been watching hallmark movies, reading self directed games and a few books over the last few weeks and even when i know it's trite and silly i appreciate that at the end people will be happy and in love and at peace.  and i rewatch or reread some of them because that sense of completion is better than the empty space i have right now in my own head.

i miss someone curled up with me and stealing the covers and snoring next to me when i let them snore next to me.  but given who i am and what i want the likelihood that the right person will materialize soon if ever leads me back to the books and the movies cause at least i know they are there.  and those stop me from reaching out to my exes.  and i need to stop reaching out to my exes.  not because there's nothing happening there but because a tiny piece of me hopes they will figure it out but they won't and like i always say there's a reason that relationship ended.  i don't have a time machine and i don't think the adjustment bureau or the matrix are things for real.  i'd kill for the neuralizer from Men in Black though.  i'm not sure what replacement backstory would be sufficient for my dating life but i'd take it right now.  maybe they could convince me that i'm not really kinky and any man who was attractive and smart would do.  or maybe i would have stayed with my HS ex and gotten him over the proverbial hump.  i'm not sure but wait, yes i am.  i would not have married him record scratch on that foolish ass thought.  well regardless, it would be nice to forget the heartache for a bit.  when that is left uncheck it feels like my heart just becomes brittle waiting for someone to come put it back together. that's a silly thought too.  those moments happen when they are scripted but they don't last for most of us in the real world.  

i have often considered that i'm meant to be single.  i've said as much here and to friends who tell me i'm giving up.  and i think the right person would be able to capture my attention but i don't know where i'd meet him.  dating apps seem like a waste of my time if i'm going to be completely honest on my profile.  i'm pretty sure i'd make a matchmaker's head explode.  prayer hasn't worked and my friends know me well enough to know the folks they know aren't it.  i would say to the universe that i'm ready to find my match but i'm not sure that the universe would provide me stellar options in 2020.  fuck it, universe if you've just been holding off let a sister know.  i'm ready to have someone who is my friend and my partner again.

back to my fictional love landscape.


Back and Forth

Sunday, November 15, 2020 No comments

I am always debating whether or not it's time to let this site go dark.  I don't mind sharing my thoughts but my thoughts on D/s are inconsistent at best.  Mostly because life itself is so overwhelming.  Pandemic, work, sick parent, and taking care of myself all push me out of a submissive headspace.  Add into that there's no one trying to pull me back in, especially after leaving Fetlife, then it's kinda of like what is this space for.  As the election was drawing out I remembered that the Dutchman said he would have to hurt me to get me over my shock and fear of what had happened in 2016.  When 2020 initially looked like it would repeat that horror, there was no such promise because there was no Dutchman.  I mean he exists.  He's just not with me.  I'm getting ready to finish another semester in Dutch and sign up for the second class of second year Dutch which is kinda great but I need people to practice with that are close to my age.  I was the oldest one last year but there were only a few of us and I had a good connection with my instructor which helped.  We shared a lot of content related to class but that was from other sources.  I've gone off track, there's no Dutchman for me.

And I'm only horny randomly which is awkward at best.  When I'm connected to someone I'm more sexual in general but outside of a few dreams and some stress relief sessions it's kinda boring around here on that front.  I miss it but not sure I'm holding my breath for the next person that lights my proverbial fire.


I wonder

Friday, October 16, 2020 No comments

I wonder if you think about rolling my nipples between your fingers. I wonder if you daydream about me moaning your name when they start to harden. If you ponder on the breathy sigh that comes from my lips as my brain begins to relax. If you are interested in figuring out when my whimpers mean I have had enough versus let me do whatever you want me to do Sir. I wonder if you see my juices on your dick when you close your eyes and stroke yourself nice and slow. I ponder if you dream about chaining me to the wall above the bed and toying with me until you're exhausted and I am a puddle. I wonder these things as my hands take me over the edge and I wonder what it will take to get you to make my idle thoughts a vivid memory for both of us. 


Late night thoughts

Sunday, October 11, 2020 No comments

 I should be asleep but I took a nap earlier so I am just now getting tired. I needed that nap but dang I hate being awake with no one to talk to. And this didn't feel like an orgasm will make me sleepy night. I have had a few of those lately. Thanks to pornhub for providing button buzzing material. It's made me think a lot about trying to fall asleep with someone sucking on my pussy.  I like the thought but there's no one around to make it reality. Plus I enjoy oral sex but I like being on the giving end more than the receiving end. It was actually how former partners threatened to pull submission from me. Making me cum against my will. It worked well and I was much better behaved because there's a point where I don't want to be the target of pleasure. Really right now I would like a snuggle quickie. Hard and fast then off to sleep. 


Fuck you John Baku

Sunday, October 04, 2020 1 comment

I have been on FetLife probably at least a decade, just checked I signed up in December of 2008.  I migrated over there after Dark Connections shuttered it's very active message board and sent us over to Fet to create a new home.  That's fine.  We had a built in community upon arrival which was great.  However, slowly but surely it died out and I was left to the wilds of Fet on my own.  There are POC, in particular Black, kinksters there they have definitely ebbed and flowed with activity over that time and the new younger group that is emerging now feel like they could be my kids so while we can have some interesting conversations they aren't the reason I would stay in a place because we are having entirely different experiences in kink right now.  I met my last Dominant partners through Fet so in lots of ways it gave me some things I may not have found elsewhere because I tend to live in rural areas with limited opportunities to find kinky people who look like me.

Even with all of that though I have been on and intermittently active on the site because there seems to be a weird current of white guy douchery happening with no ways to block yourself from it.  I've seen young Black women asking desperately to be able to hide themselves from race players who approach them aggressively and still can be a problem even after a block hammer.  Some of those people float into groups spewing hatred and foolishness but they aren't really punished.  At worst they are kicked out of the group.  I've had to block people myself who just want to show me their dick pictures with no warning and gotten aggressive because I don't want to indulge their jungle fever fantasies.  So I was already having conflicting feelings about remaining in a space that didn't seem to be nurturing who I am in this moment.

And then the fearless leader of Fetlife started an unnecessary and ultimately stupid/painful/divisive post in his "decision making process" (consider those air quotes not direct quotes) about whether or not people should be free to explore Fet free of political conversation or not.  He largely ignored the POC and LGBTQ members asking why this was even under consideration if he wasn't going to also address the racists, Nazis and transphobic/homophobic people on the site.  And then he just turned the thread off and went to bed.  The next day he initially joked about it being a system test before later saying he had been serious but wasn't going to do it based on feedback so there PC warriors be happy.  I definitely cannot code for shit and I don't want to pretend to deal with some of the issues that running a site of that size would require.  At an earlier point, I happily supported Fet when they were facing issues because I was grateful for the space.  But this weekend was just peak white fuckboy and I am super done.  I don't engage there enough as it is to stay when I am so actively disgusted with leadership.  So yeah Fuck You John Baku.  I doubt he cares about the folks like me that are super done with the site especially since he already has the money we gave up willingly.  If you want to know what I'm up to just follow me here.  I doubt there will be any photos posted here like on Fet but who knows.  If I can figure out how to lock them down you just may.  For now deuces to spaces that don't embrace us.


One time for Amy Winehouse & Sade

Friday, September 11, 2020 No comments

When I am  muddling through things in my brain I tend to hear songs playing randomly.  Kiss of Life by Sade was dominating for the last few days until I remembered the hook from one Amy's songs.

"Although my pride is not easily disturbed, you sent me flying when you kicked me to the curb."

To be clear this is not the ended of a new relationship just me processing through all of the emotions I need to so I can put one to bed permanently.  Recognizing patterns here again and my need to beat up on myself when things don't work out even when I had little to do with it not working out in the first place.  That doesn't mean I am blameless.  Just that I was taking on some things that were not mine because that's what my brain does when I feel unwanted.  Clarity is a wonderful gift even if it does not erase the pain that was involved.  I appreciate that I'm not sobbing uncontrollably like I did when things really felt over.  But now it's just kinda like meh, what can I do with all of this untapped emotion.  I'm working on that now.  I'm writing and I'm working and I'm minding my business.  That's all I can do right now.  Now I'm about to go light my candles, and sip on something before I cuss out my permanent roommate.


Sitting in my peace

Saturday, August 29, 2020 No comments

There are days I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed.  Sleeping was good, dreams were good and no one could piss me the fuck off.  If you are my Fetlife friend, you may have correctly guessed that was one of those days.  After a rough week of just being Black in America and then losing my brother from another mother in Chadwick Boseman I was in literally no mood for fuckery today.  Today thankfully though I got a delayed text from my niece.  Then I chatted with my brother for a bit and was reminded that he's a good father and my nieces are very lucky.  I did my Dutch homework and chatted with a friend and slowly but surely my mood tamped down a bit.  I wrote a piece for my job and then I felt a little spent and with me and my anger that's a good thing.  I've lit several sage candles that have now started pushing out their scent and I feel much better.  

So what you may have gathered is I'm a hard woman to date and that if I love you it take a lot for me to stop loving you.  One of those love hard girls if you will.  But when my brain starts to put together that those paranoid emotional tirades were likely more factual than they were not, I get pissed.  I understand my brain.  I know that I overthink and that every now and then I will need you to assure me that I'm overreacting and things are good.  The only complication is if my heart interferes and tells my brain to hold on longer than my brain logically knows is good for any of us.  This is a lot of delayed grief I'm starting to figure out.  I had so much shit to do over the last few years between mom's health and working toward promotion and what not that my relationship brain was not processing all the stuff it needs to when it realizes things are over.  And that's where we sit now.  Processing and breathing in sage to return to calm.

As E. Lynn so eloquently stated, this too shall pass.  It will and I need to take care of myself and my mood swings until it does.


New Month, Old Me

Monday, August 17, 2020 No comments

 I've been chatting it up with one of my exes a lot lately.  Mostly as I process and work through complicated grieving I'm having related to another ex.  That's awkward at best but it's been useful.  I probably need to sage this space as I told grief invoking ex that too much of it reminds me of him which is annoying as shit.  Sorry got distracted looking for smudge kits.  Might have to just go with candles since I have a permanent nosy roommate who I can't send anywhere right now thanks to COVID.  My mind is stuck on random because I just recalled GIE promising to hurt me so I could cope with what I thought would be a traumatic horrific presidency that has been so fucking much worse than I imagined.

I have been reading and getting ready for another rough month of work that I hope doesn't turn into a cluster fuck since our working from home phase is about to end.  I've also been cooking and baking and guess what, literally tired of all that shit right now too.  What I want to do is sleep in, eat meals people bring me, fuck to work off said meals, and explore how much pain I can tolerate on a regular basis.  But nope I'm just in the house, annoyed, afraid that the next election will go like the last election and that I won't have the option to get the hell out of dodge now that an American passport is essentially useless.

And work is testing my patience because I allegedly have a tone when I'm asking pointed questions without sugar coating them.  Fuck it I'm too tired to care.  I miss having an attentive Dom but I didn't always enjoy too much attention.  I'm a check in regularly not daily girl.  blahhhhh, fuck it I'm going to go plan tomorrow's dinner.