can one have a kink muse or am i just an addict?

Sunday, September 19, 2021 No comments


i have been pondering this for the last few days/weeks what have you.  i know that karamel on fet provided all kinds of musings for me at one point but it wasn't in a "submissive, let me splay myself out for you can give over dominion of myself to you" kind of way.  the man is gorgeous. i could and did fantasize about being tied up with his hair which was luscious when it was loose but makes me thirsty now that it's loc'd. and he was intelligent so yeah the lust factor was like on 12.  but it wasn't like a legit hookup was possible and he was lifestyle adjacent not looking for a dominant role in anyone's life from fet.  


so maybe that wasn't post 800

Friday, September 17, 2021 No comments

Just realized I have some hidden posts to make sure the blog displays correctly.  Ha it doesn't matter.  Life is crazy busy lately.  And weird if I'm going to be honest.  Some good things happened and I'm happy about all the new directions things are going.  Some annoying things happened but--and no offense to the folks I know that are sweet and cool--but white folks are being real white.  I still wish the Dark Connections message board was up and running again because Fet is mostly still trash.  They are helping me with my Dutch though so yeah to the cool Dutch folks that I need to hit up later tonight.  But first I need to go to a work thing in my little black dress that is not little because these are work folks.  Mom is still being mom so there's that.  And I am both single and chill about it really. After my last vent, I was told there was a solution which is great but you know once I get in my feelings I can stay there for a bit.  And I was in the middle of talking to new Dutch friends so I wasn't overly worried about it.  But we kept chatting as well and weird thing there too.  I'm good now.  I'm not tripping over myself in love because that ship has sailed.  I do enjoy a good flirt and knowing now that whatever was unresolved there is kinda done. He was going through some things that put me through some things.  Different things than Mr. Wolf, but still things.  I'm not sure The Dutchman and I will be more than random flirty folks but I'm also okay with that.  Life is life, we live on different continents and even if we didn't, he doesn't exude "one woman man" energy.  Not even sure I would want one primary partner going forward either.  I just know that I'm better now.  Can't say why at all but I'll take it for now.  And if I can hookup with this tattoo artist tomorrow I may be getting some new ink soon.  Yeah organized pain.


Post 800, neat

Friday, September 10, 2021 No comments

This blog has been around almost as long as I have allowed myself to engage in the lifestyle.  I renewed the domain not too long ago because I wasn't sure I was ready to let it go.  It, or my place within the lifestyle.  Honestly, I keep playing that about in my head and I'm trying to figure out seriously whether it's time to take the red or blue pill for lack of a better analogy.  There are things that I greatly love about kink relationships and finding my place in that realm has been affirming in unexpected ways.  In that sense a blue pill would take me away from that and let me drift back into very vanilla and thus openly discussed relationship dynamics with everyone in my life.  Nope it wouldn't be as intriguing in some ways but it would be stable and what not.  The red pill has made things more intriguing in some ways.  Mixing pain with the things that make me happy has been amazing.  But finding the right fit has been a struggle and the people that love on me don't hurt me the right way.  There's no spark right now to keep me wishing that the Dominant partner of my dreams is right around the corner.  We'll have to see.

I had to come back and edit this after a rest.  I have loved being a submissive.  I have loved the high of getting to know a new partner.  The dance of figuring out when and how we fit.  The absolute peace of being owned.  The contentment I felt after a good scene.  No part of me wants to let go of those feelings.  However, every part of me is tired of figuring out how to meet new people. Especially as my career moves me further along certain pathways and my time is more and more limited.  I miss coming home to my partner.  Mr. Good Nhyte kind of spoiled me there and that could be why I was so angry with him when he left instead of doing what I asked and moving his family with us.  It would have been a strain but it would have kept us together.  I wouldn't have met the Dutchman or Mr. Wolf but I don't know that it would have been necessary to find them.  I wish I had the chance to find out instead of being displaced emotionally and psychologically for years until I stumbled on the two of them.  And now a few years removed from one and not as many from the other--that may not be true, they both may have formally left for good in 2019 but whatever--I go through these moments when I can clearly identify what it is I'm missing and why and other days I'm just angry that I ended up single again and they--like always--moved on to the next thing and the next thing like I never even mattered.  Yes that happens in the vanilla world but I have never given as much of myself in a vanilla relationship so it's never mattered to me as much when those ended.  Hell I was probably the chronic replacer in that situation which maybe makes all of this my karmic payback.

If you believe in astrology, Chinese or Western, I am borderline fucked in the reincarnation cycle.  According to the Western folks, if I haven't found my person by the end of this life I won't.  I'm at the end of the chase.  I've felt like I was being run through all my previous life fucked up relationships from jump so I don't think that person is here.  I've also thought I must have been a horrible male partner because I've experienced the worst of bullshit relationship drama since I started dating.  Per Chinese folks, I'm not at the end of the cycle per se but this is my last shot to figure it the fuck out.  Otherwise I'll wander through the rest of them all by myself.  At this point, I don't think I need to wander tied up.  Whatever gratification it has given me isn't necessarily being single for the rest of this soul's eons.  Okay I think I'm done again.


I fucking give up

Sunday, September 05, 2021 No comments

I've been crying off and on for the last hour.  It's the culmination of too much stress and not enough love in my life.  The people I reach out to for support have stopped responding.  Almost none of them have reached out to me first over the last year.  The only kinky person that touched base with me over the last month was to let me know that Mr. Wolf had died and still no one more intimately connected to him has said boo to me about that.  I took a risk and reached out to the Dutchman and said please don't let me find out months or years later that you are gone.  He didn't respond.  In and of itself that is not surprising.  He hasn't responded me me in a long time and I'm just the dumb ass who reaches out hoping for something new.  Tonight I logged onto Fet to see what was happening and decided to refollow folks that had been off my timeline for a while including the Dutchman.  At that point, I see that he has written about my request without acknowledging I ever made it.  And despite how important he was to me, how much time and energy I spent going to see him, and the knots I twisted myself into because of my desire to be with him I was relegated to former play partner.  Not his submissive or slave or even his favorite nickname for me just play partner.  I contemplated railing at him but then I look insane and it doesn't change anything.  I'm still hurt, he's still pondering how to honor my request without actually mentioning that to me and I'm wondering what about this lifestyle is so important to me that I refuse to date people who aren't in it.  I've definitely seen people try to make a vanilla partner work out and well yeah it doesn't but I've been single or suffering way more than I've been happy and content so what is it I'm holding out for here.  I'm so tired.  So very very tired.


i'm still struggling

Thursday, September 02, 2021 No comments

I am tired.  A year plus of working in masks, trying to do my job well, not murdering dumb people who won't wear masks, not traveling, having to pivot with little to no warning, and fighting with my body is killing me.  I've been bugging my mother to massage my scalp.  It helps with hair growth but more important it makes me relax.  It's momentary and doesn't fix the inevitable weirdness that pops up later.  I really want to have slow intense sex for several hours until I fall into a coma.  There's no one around to do that with though and I have no desire to search for them in this precise moment.  Part of that is just really sheer exhaustion and the other part is the realization that I still have these random pangs for a relationship that apparently was destined to not be what I wanted it to be.  I nearly came here and just vomited up all of those angsty feelings but remembered that it doesn't help me to keep rehashing it.  It won't be the first time that I was all in and things just fizzled.  Especially since most days whatever that pang is doesn't exist.  It's normally late at night when I'm trying to sort through something in my head and I know they would make me feel better.  Ahh well.  Eventually this will sort itself out or I'll be so old I just won't care.  I'll miss the spankings though.


Good-bye Mr. Wolf

Sunday, August 15, 2021 No comments

I went to bed last night thinking about how to let go of old emotional entanglements that were no longer serving me.  I fully intended on making a side trip while I was in in the city I get my hair done in but the plan took a swift detour.  Earlier today I got a text from one of the few kinky people I know that has my number.  They were apologizing to me about "what happened" with Mr. Wolf.  My brain already understood what they meant but I had to ask for clarification.  But in general when I hear from folks I don't talk to regularly that means someone we jointly knew and that I cared about was gone.  The last time I spoke with him it was because I had a feeling he wasn't doing well.  Or to be more precise I was worried he was having an issue.  We didn't discuss what it was but he thanked me for checking in and assured me he was on the mend.  That was months ago.  And this morning I wasn't thinking he was no longer here.  I was just thinking about waking up and slowly getting ready.  I'm not shocked but I am sad for his family and those he was involved with now.  I didn't appreciate how things ended but I didn't want him to be unhappy or unwell.  We learned things from each other.  Most important was that we were not meant to be an epic love story.  But even that is a good thing to know.  There are lots of words that could be shared but they would likely ring hollow to most people reading this.  I wish his spirit safe travels and peace for those who loved him.


i'm moody i swear

Saturday, August 07, 2021 No comments

Life is hectic and things distract me just when I need it most.  I was in a funk the last few posts to be sure.  I was in my feelings about the Dutchman and why it didn't work out but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter why it didn't work out.  It just didn't.  I loved him, how he made me feel, the ways in which he stretched my limits and helped me grow.  It felt like I was challenged in a way that I needed to evolve in my submission.  I miss that.  It's addicting to find someone who knows how to mind fuck you in just the right way.  And I know better than anyone that when I am moody or stressed or anxious that I need to play and play hard.  Well I haven't done that in a long while since Mr. Wolf and I didn't see each other for a long while before he broke things off.  There's no one here I trust to get me off in that way.  And the few forays I've made into finding someone new have not gone well.  That's why it's so easy to slip back into well why not just go Dutch again.  That's not good for me and as best I can tell he's super not interested so it's an exercise in futility to even engage in the mental acrobatics that it takes to wonder.  It took a minute to find and be keyed into him.  There's no reason why I shouldn't expect the same thing to be the case again.  Even more so now because I can't travel, can't physically connect and cannot escape for even some mindless sex.  As I was driving home yesterday maybe, it dawned on me that I hadn't logged back into fetlife in a while again.  It was the first time in recent months that I didn't think I was missing anything.  Honestly, no one there misses me so that's probably a part of it but it was different.  I wasn't sure that it was ever going to be a regular part of my life again.  And not in that John Baku sucks kind of way but in the there's no reason for me to be in a space where I am neither desired or missed.  It was freeing.  It may be time to let it go.  I'll check on writings there to see if there's anything I want to hold on to long term but I doubt it.  I say all this now because it's late, my nap today has me full of energy and I really want the universe to know that I think it's time for my next evolution.


the worst part

Monday, July 19, 2021 No comments

this post will likely be a hot mess so if you keep reading you have been warned.  i have known that i was a submissive for twenty years.  in that time it was never fully safe for me to be out and about in the community but the internet made it easier to connect to people who understood BDSM especially as a Black person.  not easy now because there were still people that despite my stated interest would sneak into my inbox anyway but it was easier to stumble on the right one or two people to carry me to the next phase of my journey.  as i got older those people would be around longer and longer which was good but when they were gone later it sucked away a piece of me.  in those moments though, the community still seemed to be present to pick up the slack and keep me stable until the next long term relationship began.  over the last few years though that hasn't even been there.  

i've realized i like my world peaceful and arguing on the internet is not my style.  competing over some Dom's fleeting attention is even lower on my list of things to do with my time.  and i have never been able to have conversation for the sake of conversation.  add in to that the break in trust i had a few years ago with a former submissive friend and i'm not even sure it's worth trying to connect to people again.  and i shouldn't pin that totally on her and i falling out.  there was someone else that did something similar a few months before that and it just eroded my faith that Black women in the lifestyle could be open and friendly with each other over long periods of time in ways that were not transactional.  there may be but i haven't met them yet and i don't know if i'm ever going to be ready to step out there for that again.

which leads me to where this came from in the first place.  the worst part of what i'm feeling right now is realizing how easy it was/is for people that i have cared deeply about to forget i exist or even if they haven't forgotten to just step away without ever pausing to think about how i might be doing.  about how their absence may or may not be impacting me.  and i guess they don't really have to.  things are over.  i'm the one that's stuck or holding on to a piece of them inside of me.  i'm the one that randomly started crying for no reason earlier today.  and who is crying now thinking about how for the people i want to matter to the most, i'm not even something that matters enough for them to send a random hi message every blue moon.  Mr. Good Nyhte has been a gem lately but i'm still the one reaching out to him first. everyone has their new life without the old version of me in it.  

and i have late night blog posts, random cooking binges and daydreams about what went wrong.  i think that's all that's left for now.