One time for Amy Winehouse & Sade

Friday, September 11, 2020 No comments

When I am  muddling through things in my brain I tend to hear songs playing randomly.  Kiss of Life by Sade was dominating for the last few days until I remembered the hook from one Amy's songs.

"Although my pride is not easily disturbed, you sent me flying when you kicked me to the curb."

To be clear this is not the ended of a new relationship just me processing through all of the emotions I need to so I can put one to bed permanently.  Recognizing patterns here again and my need to beat up on myself when things don't work out even when I had little to do with it not working out in the first place.  That doesn't mean I am blameless.  Just that I was taking on some things that were not mine because that's what my brain does when I feel unwanted.  Clarity is a wonderful gift even if it does not erase the pain that was involved.  I appreciate that I'm not sobbing uncontrollably like I did when things really felt over.  But now it's just kinda like meh, what can I do with all of this untapped emotion.  I'm working on that now.  I'm writing and I'm working and I'm minding my business.  That's all I can do right now.  Now I'm about to go light my candles, and sip on something before I cuss out my permanent roommate.


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Sitting in my peace

Saturday, August 29, 2020 No comments

There are days I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed.  Sleeping was good, dreams were good and no one could piss me the fuck off.  If you are my Fetlife friend, you may have correctly guessed that was one of those days.  After a rough week of just being Black in America and then losing my brother from another mother in Chadwick Boseman I was in literally no mood for fuckery today.  Today thankfully though I got a delayed text from my niece.  Then I chatted with my brother for a bit and was reminded that he's a good father and my nieces are very lucky.  I did my Dutch homework and chatted with a friend and slowly but surely my mood tamped down a bit.  I wrote a piece for my job and then I felt a little spent and with me and my anger that's a good thing.  I've lit several sage candles that have now started pushing out their scent and I feel much better.  

So what you may have gathered is I'm a hard woman to date and that if I love you it take a lot for me to stop loving you.  One of those love hard girls if you will.  But when my brain starts to put together that those paranoid emotional tirades were likely more factual than they were not, I get pissed.  I understand my brain.  I know that I overthink and that every now and then I will need you to assure me that I'm overreacting and things are good.  The only complication is if my heart interferes and tells my brain to hold on longer than my brain logically knows is good for any of us.  This is a lot of delayed grief I'm starting to figure out.  I had so much shit to do over the last few years between mom's health and working toward promotion and what not that my relationship brain was not processing all the stuff it needs to when it realizes things are over.  And that's where we sit now.  Processing and breathing in sage to return to calm.

As E. Lynn so eloquently stated, this too shall pass.  It will and I need to take care of myself and my mood swings until it does.


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New Month, Old Me

Monday, August 17, 2020 No comments

 I've been chatting it up with one of my exes a lot lately.  Mostly as I process and work through complicated grieving I'm having related to another ex.  That's awkward at best but it's been useful.  I probably need to sage this space as I told grief invoking ex that too much of it reminds me of him which is annoying as shit.  Sorry got distracted looking for smudge kits.  Might have to just go with candles since I have a permanent nosy roommate who I can't send anywhere right now thanks to COVID.  My mind is stuck on random because I just recalled GIE promising to hurt me so I could cope with what I thought would be a traumatic horrific presidency that has been so fucking much worse than I imagined.

I have been reading and getting ready for another rough month of work that I hope doesn't turn into a cluster fuck since our working from home phase is about to end.  I've also been cooking and baking and guess what, literally tired of all that shit right now too.  What I want to do is sleep in, eat meals people bring me, fuck to work off said meals, and explore how much pain I can tolerate on a regular basis.  But nope I'm just in the house, annoyed, afraid that the next election will go like the last election and that I won't have the option to get the hell out of dodge now that an American passport is essentially useless.

And work is testing my patience because I allegedly have a tone when I'm asking pointed questions without sugar coating them.  Fuck it I'm too tired to care.  I miss having an attentive Dom but I didn't always enjoy too much attention.  I'm a check in regularly not daily girl.  blahhhhh, fuck it I'm going to go plan tomorrow's dinner.


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Surprised Me

Wednesday, July 29, 2020 No comments
So my book has been published since early this year and I haven't really been tracking anything related to it.  No one reached out to me and said I hate you and it so I was good with that.  Turns out though people are buying my little smutty collection and I haven't made a ton of money but I've made enough they are sending me random deposits for sales and reads through Kindle Unlimited.  Not a lot of sales through the Kindle though so I'm going to run a week long promotion that starts tomorrow.  The eBook will be for sale for 99 cents from 8AM EST until midnight on August 5 (turning into August 6).  If you are more paperback centric let me know.  I can't run a promotion on the paperback because it's smutty lol but I may do a week long price drop on that one too.

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After that my guess is you'll never hear from him again

Thursday, July 23, 2020 No comments
This will be a quickie. I worked most of the day. Read a book and had a good orgasm which as usual made me think about one ex or the other. So I did what nosy girls do and looked him up. Saw something I wasn't expecting but whatever I needed to break finally did. I think I am ready for whatever is coming next.

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the sub who thought too much

Monday, June 29, 2020 No comments
I should totally be asleep but that is clearly not my lot in life right now.  Work through life off for me and probably everyone else a few months ago.  That was good.  It didn't give me time to think about my love life or submission or anything that basic.  I had to worry about taking care of mom and keeping us healthy and figuring out how to do my job from my living room table instead of my quiet office.  That is coming to an end--that you all deities that heard my prayers--for the most part on Tuesday.  That doesn't mean there aren't other things on tap but nothing that requires that much of my mental energy so I'm back to my insomnia fits and pondering life again.  That brings us to now and I don't know how long this is going to be so if you read after the break it is all on you.


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Lessons in the Early Phase of the Lockdown

Thursday, March 26, 2020 No comments
So i am not above saying i learn things in random places.  i was watching Marriage Boot Camp Hip Hop Edition randomly tonight and it was a very protracted moment of watching our childhood and past pivotal moments shape our future/present.  They focused in specifically on what the messaging or chaos around us during that time frame keep being embedded in how we move forward.  To be clear the kids versions of themselves had some fucked up things happen and i can see how it plays into who they are now.  as i cried with and for them i was wondering if my messaging was still problematic.  Yep totally is but it's a messy thing to break down.  i wasn't homeless or abused.  my parents marriage was weird.  i didn't know why but i knew something was off.  i may have mentioned it here before.  They loved on us, my brother and i, but not really with each other save after a fight.   They rarely fought though.  They just kind of coexisted.  Looking back now i know that my dad was cheating and even though mom couldn't prove it for a long minute she was unhappy.  However, feeling like your husband might be cheating wasn't a good enough reason to leave him per my grandmother so my mom stayed.  Eventually they separated cause dad was really really cheating and my mom took it as a failure on her part even though she had long wanted out.  This is where my kid self needed an intervention.  What i learned from both of my parents was equally problematic from a long-term relationship perspective. 


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je suis fatigue, ich bin mude, ik ben moe, i am tired

Sunday, February 23, 2020 No comments
if you can only read one of those languages they all translate to the same thing.  i am tired.  i have been tired  the whole month.  my fault for having too much to do, not enough time to do it and squeezing in a visit to see my family right before a big personal anniversary as well.  there has been a lot of loss recently too which is also taking a toll and i'm not sure i will be able to start playing catch up with any of this before next month.  what i'd like is some cuddle time watching a movie after i make dinner with the selected cuddle victim, maybe a good spanking or breath play, and then some sleep.  i'm not even terribly horny which is how i understand i'm very tired.  that plus that horny switch can just be decimated for me if i'm not intellectually engaged with someone.  a vacation might help but i think i'm back where i was a few days ago in that skin hunger phase.  i miss connection and it makes me tired.

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