because neither one of us..

Saturday, February 23, 2019 No comments
I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted.  There are a billion and one things going on and I'm settling into life sans relationships of note.  I haven't officially said it here mostly because I am not saying much here apparently.  After last year, I am single again and not really looking at anything substantial developing.  I know what would likely make me thrilled with the universe but I also have entirely too much going on to pursue it or even begin to know where to look.  I know that most of the time dating doesn't even cross my brain and when it does it's mostly I suck at the whole enterprise.  Which briefly makes me think about "making it work" with an ex when there's literally a legitimate reason all of those relationships did not work.


Gamer Girl Gone Moderate

Sunday, January 13, 2019 No comments
I'm not sure what I'm going to call this post yet but I wanted to start writing before I forgot again.  This is about relationships and gaming but it won't make much sense at the beginning.  I've spoken before about wanting a strong mental connection with the person I submit to as it helps me slip into that role more.  I'll take an emotional one but that can be less stable for the long-term because that rush at the beginning of a relationship is never perpetual whereas that mental thing might make me slip into a smile randomly well after the relationship has run it's course and I'm just glad the person in question has no idea they could have had me for a new Build a Bear.  I really like teddy bears.

Anyway, when I have needed intellectual challenges or stimulation I have periodically delved more into gaming as a distraction.  I've been involved in gaming since I was a kid and we had to play on a Commodore 64 and had a blast playing BeatSaber this Christmas with the family but usually I get involved in games that involve some long-term strategy or those that need quick skill as both make me go yep got it or hmm that worked out differently than I planned but still good shit.


Bonjour 2019, Au Revoir 2018

Monday, December 31, 2018 No comments
This will probably be short.  End of the year is fast approaching for me.  I'm back from a much needed family vacation and having some of the best conversations ever.  My turkey is chilling in the fridge after being injected with seasoned butter to be fried tomorrow.  My floors have been completed and are under budget.  My relationships meh.  We'll see what next year has to bring on the romantic front.  Honestly, I'm in a good place even if that place isn't requiring me to submit to another human.  Have a great NYE and blessed new year.


Cold Medicine Is a Girl's Best Friend

Tuesday, December 18, 2018 No comments
I've been fighting off illness as I have been thinking about the universe the last few weeks.  It comes and goes.  I sound like a troll, get better, sleep a lot and start the process all over.  That's been the last few months with random temperature shifts and too much stress which culminated in my last post about needing a break.  That wasn't the only reason of course but when you're bone tired and something else presents itself it was time for a shut down.  I didn't even have the benefit of a lot of extra work to do in order to distract myself because for once I actually balanced my schedule well.  But since I needed sleep anyway that hasn't been a bad thing.  I've been listening to music with the woman who spawned me and chilling and needing to clean up my room before the floors are redone but really I've been able to process the non curve curve ball.  That will make more sense in a bit but I have to thank the folks in my life for being them and making me giggle when needed.


Going to take a break

Saturday, December 08, 2018 No comments
I may or may not come back to this space. It may be time to say goodbye to red velvet forever.


What to Say

Sunday, November 25, 2018 No comments
I haven't been here in a while and I'm not sure why.  Work has been hectic and I'm tired but it's also amazing and I'm loving myself.  I need inspiration I think.  In my other spaces I have a clear mission and focus.  Here I feel untethered.  Like yes this was my identity but I'm not sure if it fits anymore.  But how does something that has been deeply entrenched in my psyche for 20 years just disappear?  Not sure but it feels like it's slipping away.


deep breaths

Sunday, September 30, 2018 No comments
I debated posting this because I'm still debating grown up life on so many fronts. I purposely didn't do anything today besides watch tv and chill because I'm tired and I wanted to see a few things.  I was right about one thing and it reminded me of why I don't extend myself to people after a while.  My voice is ignored until someone needs something and fuck that.  I'm ready for a long vacation.  I keep noticing the places that pop up when Windows boots up are calling to me and none of them, well almost none of them are stateside.  I need to start working on my foreign language development again.  I need to make an exit strategy. 


new journeys, old ideas

Sunday, August 05, 2018 No comments
The busiest part of my year has descended upon me again and and it tends to make me introspective.  I'm trying something dramatic with my hair and that will be an investment of time, energy and patience but that's not what has me deep in though yet again.  I was on fetlife earlier deleting groups that don't really hold must interest for me anymore and that old rumination started to dance through my head.  Why am I here?  Not just fetlife but in the kink community overall.  I am not feeling terribly submissive at the moment.  I haven't felt that way in a while really and I'm not sure when that hit in full force.  Maybe because the last year of work has been mind numbing and that won't end until the end of the month.  A new stress will descend then but it may not be perpetual. 

Honestly I just feel disconnected from things and people.  It's either take care of them or wait for them to take care of themselves.  Neither situation is ideal for me.  I'm not even desiring of something in particular for them just to be stable independently of me so that I can enjoy them in the space they are in, lean on them or what have you.  I can't get there with most folks right now.  I try but then another shoe drops and I'm like ok sleep in a week or so.  I'm thinking I may have a misguided idea of what people can be for me.  When I interviewed for a new position at work they looked over my resume and flat out asked when I slept.  The honest answer is between midnight and 6:30 but not consistently.  And that I stress out until things are done right and in order.  And that eventually I get over it, do it myself, and get some rest at some point after that. 

Part of what has always appealed to me about submission is the ability to let go and let me partner lead.  I don't need to be broken but I need to see in a partner of behavior that I can depend on them no matter what for emotional, psychological and whatever other kind of support.  Not financial I can usually handle that but I want to look over and never wonder if that person, my person, will respond in the ways I need them to when I need that support.  There's an issue there for sure on my part because my needs can shift depending on my external stressors but I haven't been able to click on all cylinders with someone for a long stretch of time.  It starts out great and then I start to retreat at some point.  Unlike Morris Day I don't want perfection I just want stable.  Or maybe I don't want this at all and I'm deluding myself because leaving this space after so long is more terrifying than being aware that I'm not where I want to be as a submissive.