last year was complicated the finale

Thursday, January 09, 2020 No comments
so you've heard about work and you've heard about my relationships.  just an update about me and i can't say this will be all that long.  January marked the six month point in growing out my locs.  They were healthy but still a little thin and of course not completely settled.  They look amazing now so i'm loving that i went that route and my hair is happy and healthy.  My weight went up and down and by the end of the year i just didn't give a crap cause i was tired.  Last year was another just give it a try and see what happens thing.  i took a Dutch class and i'm signed up for part two this spring.  i cooked a lot more and experimented with different recipes.  i signed up for a mystery vacation so someone else plans my trip and i just go.  i rocked out at a P!nk concert and bought tickets for two concerts this year, Jill Scott and Maroon 5, and may get a few more in.  i got rid of things and decided to try drum lessons which started this month.  Like i'm happy.  i realized tonight after coming in for the day that i'm legitimately happy and i can't say when i felt like that last.  Maybe i needed to write this to cleanse last year but it feels like a lot of heavy things have been shed.  So yeah that's everything.  i doubt you have any questions but if you do fire away.

post-signature

last year was complicated part two

my last post was all about relationships this will be about work.  long and short of it, it was a mixed bag.  one of the highlights of the year, my international trip, literally had me ready to quit and i cussed out at least three folks out about how it all went down when we got back.  like i legit started applying for new jobs and have gotten more interviews than i thought i might and there's a job in the pocket if they keep tap dancing on my nerves.  i don't feel bad about that at all by the way.  working with folks that work on your spirit badly is not great. 

other than that i'm crushing work.  i did get the promotion that was held up longer than i thought it would be.  i had to fight for compensation for some work i did over the summer but i got it.  screw that playing nice with folks.  i took more trips with more young folks that went well even though i was exhausted and we presented on that later and the donors who granted us funds think i'm effing amazing so there's that. and i put forward new initiatives and conducted more trainings and gave a ton of presentations which are leading to more presentations. 

i love my job, i don't like a chunk of my coworkers.  i appreciate that no job will be perfect but save making my own ideal work situation which would be difficult at best to pull off and still take care of my family i gotta figure out what the options are for the future but i'm still looking.  so yeah work much less complicated than relationships ha.



post-signature

last year was complicated part one

Sunday, January 05, 2020 No comments
and yes i did totally steal that from Nick Jonas.  As an aside as i was making sure that it was Nick and the title was correct, i found out that he had done a bunch of Youtube videos about making the album and on it he mentions meeting his eventual wife in a bit of a he might have goofed up kind of way.  It was sweet and made me reflect on why i was hunting for the title.  Some years i'm on autopilot and keeping things together is easy enough.  Granted those don't happen enough but they do happen.  Last years was for fuck's sake not one of those years.  Getting into all of it in one post would take forever so i am going to break this up.  Because it will be the most bleh to break down let's start with relationships: romantic, friendships and work.


post-signature

when you miss the thing you didn't really want

Thursday, January 02, 2020 No comments
it's a new year and i am surely not going to pretend to be a new me.  i'm the old me.  tired, too busy, and needing to slow down all the time.  i have a bit over the holidays.  i've cooked a lot, baked a lot, experimented with things, cleaned up, threw things away and in general indulged in any food that i wanted to have.  i did some binge watching induced by the annual Twilight Zone marathon and tonight i've been listening to music and having a small drink.  i did some random snooping on fetlife to see how Mr. Wolf was doing.  He seems to be doing well.  His girls are happy and He appears to have a solid thing happening now.  for a minute i legit felt a pang of what i can only call jealously and then i remembered something.  what i want isn't want He wanted.  not really.  there were lots of areas of overlap but there were serious points of difference.  and i'll admit there's some places where i don't think we'd ever really come to a full understanding so legit i can't begrudge Him a happy time with whomever He chooses.  timing was not ideal but when is it ever a good time to release someone.  it was the final nail in the imploding coffin and i still had another few months of crap to deal with it before everything was settled.  i started looking for a new job in the middle of that too.  the only thing i didn't do was something dramatic with my hair cause i wasn't a year into the locs yet so that could have gone badly.  i'm in a better place now so i can say i didn't have as strong as a reaction as i might have six months ago.  life has settled so i can be more pragmatic about things.  so yeah had a moment. figured i should work through it and now i'm going back to the last few hours of the Twilight Zone binge fest and then get up and go shopping for new pots and pans and maybe dishes.

post-signature

long drives, deep thoughts

Saturday, November 02, 2019 No comments
i've been driving a lot more recently to get to things and then trek back home.  as i was doing so ove the last few weeks a few things popped into my brain.  not that they were new things just things.  i thought about the end of things with Mr. Wolf and that i was more annoyed at how it happened than i was that it happened.  coming off a rough few months with mom's health, being in the middle of something hectic at work and waiting on folks to decide if i had done enough to keep my job meant i was tired, stressed and in no mood for anything to throw off my fragile balance of keeping it all together.  we were not connecting on an emotional level and i was okay with that cause i had no energy for it.  but the way in which that hit was just not cool for me in that moment.  i didn't fight to stay with him and we haven't spoken in months at this stage.  one of the things i thought would happen if we split has in that we just don't speak.  i don't have strong feelings about that just as i mentioned as thinking about it.

i haven't thought much about the Dutchman even though i've been learning his native language.  i'm actually enjoying the class but it's for me and my future travel more than being able to communicate with him.  we speak sporadically.  typically enough to know that someone is breathing but not so much that i know what is happening with him or vice versa.

i've been thinking about dating at this point in my life and realizing i'm a pain in the ass but a valuable one so that maybe it will happen or maybe it won't.  i'm not sure what kind of man i need but i am realizing even ones that i might have a visceral attraction to are not compelling enough for me to pursue anyone or to really allow any of them to pursue me.  that inevitably makes me think about sex on some level and i'm not super interested in anything more than someone that i see naked upon occasion and move on about my day.  but not looking for that either. 

my life is busy and i like it that way.  at some point there may be space for someone else.  if not i'm okay with that too.

post-signature

Relationship Meanderings and Musings

Saturday, September 28, 2019 No comments
I haven't posted in a while.  No good reason for that just haven't stopped to do so. I was playing a game on my tablet earlier that had me doing the goofy happy you're in a relationship smile.  That's because my character in the game is happy in her relationship not that I'm in a new one.  I haven't sworn off dating but I am most definitely not actively seeking anyone out at the moment.  Mostly because I'm not sure how to replicate goofy game smile in the real world.  I mean the immediate rush I got and the initial cool off I seem to ride out just fine.  It's the how to keep it stable and smiling at each other despite the ups and downs and stressors that take us out of the happy goofy smile. 

I don't want a knight on a white horse to come and rescue me cause that shit would just piss me off.  I do think I want someone that is okay with little gestures and is decent at reading my mood.  I'm not always a talk every day kind of girl because shit I'm just not.  I don't like talking to folks unless we're in person most of the time or we can do it online.  I talk all day.  I kinda just wanna sit and be quiet at home. I like touching people but not in the we gotta be snuggled up with each other all the time kind of way.  Things that warrant touch are great but I'm also good just sitting in the same space and smiling happy and goofy at someone.  And I don't want touch that has to be sexual all the time.  If that's the only time we connect then shit is gonna go to hell soon enough.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than it came to me again today that most people don't get me much which is why I'm flying solo a lot.  If I agree to spend time with you it's because I really want to do so.  If you ditch and/or disappoint me we probably won't connect again because I don't let folks back into the tiny sphere of friendship.  Plus my life has been super busy for the last decade plus and I have to carve out time to hang out as it is.  If you work yourself out of that realm then fuck it. 

I'm tired.  I should go to bed.

post-signature

updates and sleepy thoughts

Sunday, April 07, 2019 No comments
I've been back from my trip for a few weeks now and am excited that while I'm still busy I'm still holding true to who I am.  The trip crystallized some things both at work and in my personal life.  All I can say for certain is I'm open to new possibilities in both realms.  Looking for a new job is much easier to do than looking for a new person but I'm not anticipating either being something that happens quickly.  I've sent in an application for something probably totally above my pay grade and expertise but not something I couldn't do.  I've been called about one job and just got contact information on another one.  That will sort itself out one way or the other.  My petty may encourage me to stay where I am and just torment the hell out of folks.  But that's a lot of wasted energy so probably not.

Now the new person thing meh I have no idea what to do with that.  I could do what Good Nyte and the Dutchman did and just abandon all trappings of the lifestyle.  That may be easier to work out for me than it was for them as I feel no need to dominate anyone else.  And since it takes a certain kind of mojo to make me submit, rather make me want to submit to someone, then I'm unlikely to find that easily regardless of it was in the vanilla world or not.  Plus if I'm being completely honest most of the dominant men I know can't switch gears to my world easily.  By my world I mean the vanilla side of my life.  They can be aggressive or dismissive in ways that become obvious they don't click there.  That's not true across the board but the ones that have done so have made me wish I was dating a slightly kinky regular dude.  All dating sites suck for black women, unless you want to be with a white dude, which I do not.  This one will take longer for me to wrap my head around.

On another note, I've signed up to take a formal foreign language class for the first time in flipping forever.  Excited.

post-signature

Sleep deprivation, petty and moving on

Sunday, March 24, 2019 No comments
I have finished my globe trotting and have had a week to sort of recover from it.  I was up a few nights in a row trying to resolve a situation that cropped up while I was gone and then basically traveled all day to make it home and immediately start working again.  I have to say I really enjoyed seeing a new country in Europe, collecting new passport stamps, and seeing the world through the eyes of folks who had never left the country.  I will likely repeat the process at some point in the future but need to get in a break for myself abroad as well.  I might see if I can let mom tag along this time because I know she wants to go but it has to be somewhere she doesn't have to do a lot of walking to have fun or I'll never hear the end of it.  Or I'll have to get her stamina up before we take off.  Maybe that's what we can do over the next year.

My petty level is on 100 right now.  The incident I mentioned on the trip is still flaring up now that we're back and I would really like to pull myself out of the situation but there's no quick exit out of it.  Combine that with some random things that have happened since I've been back have frustrated me to no end.  I have no patience right now really.  And I don't know when I will get any back.  I'm also not forcing myself to get it back right now either.  Don't ask a question you really don't want the answer to right now and don't promise you will do something and then fall down on your end of things on.  I'm super duper done.

So I'm sure some of you are wondering if I saw The Dutchman while I was away.  I will say yes.  For like five minutes.  I'm not kidding five minutes.  Long enough to say hi, maybe hug and then he had to leave and the next free night I had we didn't connect.  We weren't together long enough for him to ask why I wasn't wearing my glasses lol.  I'm not sure what I was expecting from our contact but I know now that there are some things that shifted.  It was a good shift and a necessary shift and when I'm done being petty I think the universe will be ready for what I'm ready for but hey if it's not I can wait.  There's enough other stuff on my plate right now.  Hope all is well with whomever is still giving this spot a read.

post-signature