This will be random as hell or what I think I want right now

Sunday, May 22, 2022 No comments

I started on this post a few hours ago and then got distracted.  I do that though so I wasn't feeling upset about that.  It let me settle into my thoughts more and come at this from a different perspective.  I am not a huge horoscope girl.  I read them from time to time just because they can be intriguing but when I take those random quizzes allegedly tied to my date of birth the same things register all of the time.  One set of things being that I am fiercely protective of those I love and will often put them ahead of myself because I don't like anyone being picked on or taken advantage of on any level.  The other side of things is I'm good until I'm not and once you piss me the fuck off I may try to pull your spinal cord through your through or chest cavity.  Whichever will make you hurt more, I guess.  I don't like getting angry or annoyed with people because I'm almost always seen as in the wrong or overreacting.  That someone else has been tap dancing on a nerve or is being short with me is almost never registered.  The fact that someone is asking me something that is meant to deliberately annoy the piss out of me is overlooked and I'm supposed to be the bigger person.  I do recognize the truth in both sides of myself so I don't beat myself up over it.  There are nuances there and if people are just clear and straight with me then I can be clear and straight with them.  But when people keep tap dancing on a line and annoying the nerve that is my civil nature it takes a lot for me to walk back to a place of chill with them.  None of this, or most of this, isn't kink related but I needed to vent for a bit.


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Fourth Week of Weekly Posts

Prompt for today: How do you handle disagreements or conflicts?  It depends on what the disagreement or conflict is. If it's something minor like I would prefer to sleep on one side of the bed but it really doesn't matter as long as I get some sleep then I'm probably going to bed.  If it's not minor but it doesn't impact me in any serious way then I'll likely let people keep doing whatever they do and then take care of myself later.  If it does impact me or someone I care about then I like to go the direct route once I have calmed down.  Attacking when angry is not in anyone's best interest because I can be vicious.  Once I'm calm then I will ask directly about how we can resolve this and give each of us a chance to come up with a plan to do so.  I won't keep addressing it though.  If it becomes clear that nothing is going to change then I let it drop and just store it in my this is why I don't deal with you Rolodex.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--When you are in a submissive mindset are there things that will turn you off or that will snap you out of it?  I don't think this has happened.  I don't get to switch to submissive headspace often so when I do then I'm usually somewhere that my daily life will not intrude.  That's probably what would snap me out of it the fastest is having to deal with the job or mom or something else that means I have to be dominant red and not submissive red.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Is it okay to be angry as a submissive, does it make you angry or why do you think someone else would be angry?  I don't know why you wouldn't be allowed to be angry.  Things happen that frustrate people and one of their emotional reactions may be anger.  Being submissive or being in a submissive position does not make me angry or has not that I can recall.  My frustrations were less about my place or service and more about something in the relationship that was not going well.  Not sure what would make anyone else upset because different things bother people.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--How did you decide you were a submissive? I don't know that I decided more than I realized it.  I was happiest with a certain kind of man that demanded certain things from me and I naturally started to gravitate towards those that could give it to me.  Once I figured out exactly what it was that I was looking for then I pursued relationships with identified Dominant partners.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: My great strength in submission is completely unknown to me.  I'm not sure that I've tapped into that yet.  Interesting question.

Prompt for Friday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: I love being submissive because when I can be, I can relax and enjoy myself without imminent fear of how things were progressing in the moment.  I still need to be aware of potential for hurt but I like being taken care of however briefly it may be that I get to just slip into my submission.

Prompt for Saturday: How do you feel when you kneel or crawl?  I cannot recall crawling to anyone for anything but I feel submissive to the 10th degree when I kneel.  Especially if it's not for any particular purpose.  I remember being annoyed with the Dutchman before he arrived because I was sure I wasn't going to see him and I was angry.  He told me to drop to my knees as soon as he came through the door and that was the end of all the anger.  I blushed, probably let out a nervous or delighted giggle, and beyond all other things I remember being wet as hell.  So wet that when he slipped inside of me later I was literally creaming all over his dick.  Somewhere in my core, kneeling is my switch if I'm with the right person and we are in the right space.


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weekly posts a day ahead

Saturday, May 14, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Sunday: how do you recharge or replenish yourself after a powerful or intense session?  probably sleep, eat and shower.  Almost always in that order because if the scene is intense enough I need to sleep to reconnect to myself and then I'm starving so hopefully I have stocked food ahead of time and then I want to scrub up and smell good.

Prompt for Monday: Define love.  This seems like a simple statement but truthfully I can't say.  How people around me show love is not how I need to receive love.  I ask for basic respect, try to keep my word, listen to people when they tell me what they want/need and try to recognize when I'm not doing that because it is in conflict with how I think they want/need things.  When we can't make that work I try to walk away.  Except when I can't because they are related to me.  In that case I am trying to state things plainly and pray, leave the space for a while and do something else because if not then I'm angry and rude and will definitely not be loved.  To be clear, there are people in my life that love me and love on me.  I appreciate them greatly.  What I miss though are those moments like with my dad who seemed to really just want me to be happy no matter what.  We got along so well and I didn't understand why he couldn't with my mom and struggled with my brother.  We also didn't ask a lot of each other to show we loved each other.  I'd make dinner or marinate the protein so he could grill.  He'd rub my head and watch cartoons with me.  Reflecting on that, I guess love for me is safety and security.  It's not judgement free but it is blessed with ample understanding.

Prompt for Tuesday: Is it necessary for you to shave everywhere?  Necessary for whom or to what end?  I haven't shaved everywhere ever I don't think.  I've done a mostly full body wax and that was god awful.  I've had partners that liked it when my vagina was bare but that felt goofy if we weren't fucking and the absolute worse when the hair would grow back in.  Once the hair started coming in gray from time to time I let it go.  I don't shave my legs because I'm rarely in shorts and when I am I don't care enough about other people or their judgment to go through that headache.  Hell I haven't had my eyebrows done in forever so nope not necessary.

Prompt for Wednesday: How are you feeling today? I'm feeling like it would be great to act like my family does towards me because then I'd be chilling in my house alone and maybe scheduling some debauchery for later.

Prompt for Thursday: What are your core values? Are you living by them?  Honestly, couldn't tell you.  I don't like to see people mistreated.  I fight for people who don't have access.  I encourage people to chase their dreams and do what is best for themselves as long as it doesn't hurt other people.  I like honesty and try to utilize it as much as I can.

Prompt for Friday: Complete this sentence and keep writing, I am courageous because I keep advocating for myself and others even when it feels like it's a lost cause sometimes.  Not a whole lot else to say there.  I's a slog and I don't always enjoy it but I do it.

Prompt for Saturday: What special training would you like to have? What benefit would it serve? Honestly I wondered if we had slipped back into another section because I was like the fuck is this about again.  If anything maybe work on some meditation and cooking for myself to enjoy things but nothing else.



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headaches, tummy aches and healing

Friday, May 13, 2022 No comments

I have an annoying skin condition that flares up when I'm stressed, overtired or just cause it's a random Tuesday.  My treatment options are not great.  Antibiotics are the main thing but those come with random issues. Acne meds that work for some people and not for others.  Other anti-inflammatory meds that have different issues.  Surgery and cryo treatments are kind of last line of defense but have different issues with recovery and relapse.  Essentially you can't do a whole lot but hope the medication does it job and when it doesn't you are in a shit ton of pain.  I mentioned this during my last follow up with my dermatologist.  So we've switched all the meds and I have to say it's helping with the last round of flares BUT I'm having a lingering headache after the morning med that gets better after I eat and my stomach has been like the fuck is this about in the sense that it hurts randomly.  That improved a bit today but it's now a debate of do I want the flares to chill the fuck out or not and is it worth the feeling cruddy in the meantime.  I've been given permission to stop one of the meds after the flare clears up for a few weeks to see if how I'm feeling is medication related or something else.  But I'm also worried that without the meds the flare will crop right the hell back up.  It's moment like this that I really want to hang out with my dad and let him rub my head for a while.  I also need to get back to losing weight and see if that helps with the flares again.  Ahh well, tired now. 


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Second Attempt at Weekly Posts

Sunday, May 08, 2022 No comments

I am struggling today.  It's Mother's Day and most of the time I suck it up and do my good daughter thing but today I got squat.  I ordered her food yesterday so we didn't have to fight the holiday crowd, got groceries and the like.  I sent her gift card this morning along with the one for my SIL.  And now I'm nursing a headache and I'm ready for a nap.  Ahh well.  Let's tackle these prompts that make me regret nothing in the mass journal day posts.

Prompt for today: What skill would you like to develop to enhance your service?  I don't know because I don't see myself as a service dispenser.  Each dynamic is different and while I am not a wholly new person in each one, certain parts of who I am don't shine in each one.  I do tend to enjoy a good sadist so if receiving pain and pushing limits is a service then that's the one that I think I could say yes I would like to push myself there more for both my Dominant partner and myself.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--If you still have a period/cycle, are certain things off limits during that time frame? Thankfully don't have this issue, when I did I didn't have sex.  While showers and towels are great things, I just never enjoyed the feeling.  I might perform oral or take a spanking but even then it would depending on what was happening with my body that day.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Respond to the following "I will take responsibility for discovering what pleases my Top and will do my best to please them."  I will not do this.  This is stupid.  I will discuss with my Dominant/Top what things they enjoy and how to do things, add things, improve things so that they enjoy them more.  This may be semantics but the way the original prompt was written felt sneaky and like I was committed to mind reading.  If this is just what can you do to learn about what your partner likes then all is good.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Why do you journal? Is it for you or for someone else? Do you write with your Dominant partner in mind? I have had moments when my journaling was for my partner but overall the journaling is for me.  It allows me to process things and vent and gush and whatever else it is I want to do.  I try to be as transparent as I can without attacking anyone.  And I try to be honest with myself mostly because when I look back on what I've written I don't want to be wondering why I just flat out lied to myself and y'all.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened--Think about your daily life and detail your behaviors that are ritualized.  Nothing really.  Going to work maybe, eating possibly but I'm not big on ritual currently.

Prompt for Friday: What does your collar mean and symbolize to you? Don't have one, we've discussed this before in a few posts it feels like but if I had one I don't think I'd view it as anything more than a symbol of commitment.

Prompt for Saturday: What is your favorite form of service? If we mean service outside of kink, mentoring and sharing my knowledge.  If we mean service within kink, best I got is what I mentioned earlier and that's receiving pain.


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no snappy title tonight just random thoughts

Monday, May 02, 2022 No comments

i'm not doing the daily blog posts for a while.  i want to have time to tamp down my irritation between these very triggering prompts.  triggering is probably not the right weird but i found myself rolling my eyes a lot lately and that wasn't fun.  the last prompt for this week was decent so i hope that on sunday they will be better again.  if not, you'll get a stream of seven more prompts and i'll blog randomly between then.  right now i'm settling into the flow between work flare ups.  we're gonna be in it again soon but not right now.  and i am slowly starting to right my emotional ship again.  one thing i have learned, or felt, from these prompts is that some people can do D/s in a very transactional way and it's about an exchange of tasks or skills in order to form a bond.  i am guessing that from that exchange a long-term connection is ultimately made.  my D/s dynamics, for better or worse, start because i am intrigued for the most part.  Mr. Wolf was the lone exception there and i likely shouldn't have made that one but let's move on.  i need the mental engagement and connection to begin considering the idea of surrender.  from there we have to hit on some pretty on point commonalities and interests for my attention not to waver long enough for us to meet in person.  after that it just depends on how that meet up goes but if there's a spark all is good in the universe.  if there's not then we may kick it from time to time but i won't be considering crawling to my knees on you.  and really i don't know that i'll meet anyone anytime soon because i know what i want is difficult to balance.  men that will hurt me don't always love me and the men that love me shy away from hurting me.  and truth be told, what works for Dominant A won't work for Dominant B.  Teasing me about my height only works if you are 6 foot tall and up thus it really only worked for RS.  Teasing me about my giggle really only worked for GN.  Teasing me about being a punch drunk cunt only worked for the Dutchman and i really didn't enjoy Mr. Wolf teasing me about anything.  i didn't mention Emperor because he really didn't tease in the we're in a relationship and i enjoy you way.  he was borderline cruel about things.  it was an experience i needed to have apparently.  i'm not overjoyed to be single but i am not mired in angst about why i haven't been chosen.  things will work out however they need to do so.


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First of the weekly posts

Sunday, May 01, 2022 No comments

Y'all the look on my face right now is annoyance personified.  All the good energy that manifested in the front half of the prompts is disappearing.  The last month or so is clearly written for dyanamics that "traditional" and "codified" whereas those have never reflected my experience and don't necessarily reflect my desires going forward.  So here we go because I can't see logging in daily and doing these:

Prompt for today: shortened--Do you find pleasure in everyday tasks especially if they are for your partner?  I don't like doing anything everyday except eating.  I don't like going to work or cooking or watching television daily.  I might enjoy doing things daily if that's all I had to do but my life is hectic, job is stressful and I am always trying to do 17K things.  I'd be doing good to get to sleep on time and go from there.  The rare times I have done things specifically for a partner I was only excited if they were excited but otherwise it was not a fulfilling experience.  Things just need to get done.

Prompt for Monday: Do you have a ritual where you worship your Dominant in any respect? Nope and I don't know how I would have felt about one being introduced in the past.  I just had a strong visceral reaction to the question so I'm guessing I would have struggled with it initially and if it had been proposed by the wrong person then I would have probably just said hell no and kept it pushing.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Describe your morning routine and can you do anything to make it easier?  I wake up, head the bathroom, play a few games to wake up and then shower and head to the office within 20 minutes of my first appointment of the day.  I rarely get there earlier because I like my bed.  I rarely get there later because I like my paycheck.  I have nothing to do related to submission or anything else.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Why have contracts, do you have one or would you, pros and cons?  I think the establish boundaries and expectations in a relationship which is good if they can be renegotiated as things shift but bad if they allow for no flexibility.  I have not had one.  Not sure if there would be a good time for one unless we were not trying to have a fully fleshed out dynamic.  If it was for a scene or a short bit of mentoring great but contracts have felt stifling with respect to full relationships.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing, "I spend too much time on worrying about bills."  They get paid and I have money leftover but I hate feeling like things are out of control with respect to that.  It irks my nerves and patience.

Prompt for Friday: Write the first five words that come to mind when you think about being a domestic servant for your partner?  Nope, hell, naw, miss, me.  Again I think this is written for a very specific kind of dynamic.  I work into the evenings several nights a week.  On the days I am not doing that nothing in my brain says yep let me take care of this grown ass person when I need to rest, take care of the house, cook, or something else.  Just nothing at all.

Prompt for Saturday: shortened--What skills do you have in your service arsenal and what would you recommend to others?  If I had literally nothing else to do I am an amazing cook and baker.  I make things easily and tweak them as I need to based on what worked and what did not.  But see the previous questions about my thoughts on domestic servitude. 


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getting these both out of the way tonight

Friday, April 29, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: shortened--how does submission impact your daily routine? do you have to ask for things or check in? only one partner asked me to do check ins and it did not go well.  my day fluctuates literally hour to hour sometimes so doing x when you wake up or y when you get to work doesn't even register in my brain.  it could have been because i wasn't terribly mentally connected to that partner but seriously i would have struggled and made myself slightly insane even if i was connected to them.  because i've only lived with one partner there was only one time it really impacted my daily routine.  he would keep me on schedule and make sure i took care of myself and we'd have set nights where nothing else could be on the agenda but our relationship.

prompt for tomorrow: why do you want to be under someone else's control? because i hate vanilla dating and don't know how to really slow down until i find someone else that makes me enjoy all of it.  that sounds trite and demanding but in the rest of my world i am always on, in charge of something, being asked to do something high level or forward facing.  at home i have to take care of mom and the house and the bills.  part of my desire to surrender is finding someone that is strong enough to take on my stress and mess and find beauty in making me not only His but better.  it takes a strong man with a strong identity to even catch my attention.  it takes a smart, funny, kind of engaging man to keep it.  in order for me to really let go though i need to feel safe enough to follow him.  when that is the case nothing can stop my devotion.  i miss those men.


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