Relationship Meanderings and Musings

Saturday, September 28, 2019 No comments
I haven't posted in a while.  No good reason for that just haven't stopped to do so. I was playing a game on my tablet earlier that had me doing the goofy happy you're in a relationship smile.  That's because my character in the game is happy in her relationship not that I'm in a new one.  I haven't sworn off dating but I am most definitely not actively seeking anyone out at the moment.  Mostly because I'm not sure how to replicate goofy game smile in the real world.  I mean the immediate rush I got and the initial cool off I seem to ride out just fine.  It's the how to keep it stable and smiling at each other despite the ups and downs and stressors that take us out of the happy goofy smile. 

I don't want a knight on a white horse to come and rescue me cause that shit would just piss me off.  I do think I want someone that is okay with little gestures and is decent at reading my mood.  I'm not always a talk every day kind of girl because shit I'm just not.  I don't like talking to folks unless we're in person most of the time or we can do it online.  I talk all day.  I kinda just wanna sit and be quiet at home. I like touching people but not in the we gotta be snuggled up with each other all the time kind of way.  Things that warrant touch are great but I'm also good just sitting in the same space and smiling happy and goofy at someone.  And I don't want touch that has to be sexual all the time.  If that's the only time we connect then shit is gonna go to hell soon enough.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than it came to me again today that most people don't get me much which is why I'm flying solo a lot.  If I agree to spend time with you it's because I really want to do so.  If you ditch and/or disappoint me we probably won't connect again because I don't let folks back into the tiny sphere of friendship.  Plus my life has been super busy for the last decade plus and I have to carve out time to hang out as it is.  If you work yourself out of that realm then fuck it. 

I'm tired.  I should go to bed.

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updates and sleepy thoughts

Sunday, April 07, 2019 No comments
I've been back from my trip for a few weeks now and am excited that while I'm still busy I'm still holding true to who I am.  The trip crystallized some things both at work and in my personal life.  All I can say for certain is I'm open to new possibilities in both realms.  Looking for a new job is much easier to do than looking for a new person but I'm not anticipating either being something that happens quickly.  I've sent in an application for something probably totally above my pay grade and expertise but not something I couldn't do.  I've been called about one job and just got contact information on another one.  That will sort itself out one way or the other.  My petty may encourage me to stay where I am and just torment the hell out of folks.  But that's a lot of wasted energy so probably not.

Now the new person thing meh I have no idea what to do with that.  I could do what Good Nyte and the Dutchman did and just abandon all trappings of the lifestyle.  That may be easier to work out for me than it was for them as I feel no need to dominate anyone else.  And since it takes a certain kind of mojo to make me submit, rather make me want to submit to someone, then I'm unlikely to find that easily regardless of it was in the vanilla world or not.  Plus if I'm being completely honest most of the dominant men I know can't switch gears to my world easily.  By my world I mean the vanilla side of my life.  They can be aggressive or dismissive in ways that become obvious they don't click there.  That's not true across the board but the ones that have done so have made me wish I was dating a slightly kinky regular dude.  All dating sites suck for black women, unless you want to be with a white dude, which I do not.  This one will take longer for me to wrap my head around.

On another note, I've signed up to take a formal foreign language class for the first time in flipping forever.  Excited.

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Sleep deprivation, petty and moving on

Sunday, March 24, 2019 No comments
I have finished my globe trotting and have had a week to sort of recover from it.  I was up a few nights in a row trying to resolve a situation that cropped up while I was gone and then basically traveled all day to make it home and immediately start working again.  I have to say I really enjoyed seeing a new country in Europe, collecting new passport stamps, and seeing the world through the eyes of folks who had never left the country.  I will likely repeat the process at some point in the future but need to get in a break for myself abroad as well.  I might see if I can let mom tag along this time because I know she wants to go but it has to be somewhere she doesn't have to do a lot of walking to have fun or I'll never hear the end of it.  Or I'll have to get her stamina up before we take off.  Maybe that's what we can do over the next year.

My petty level is on 100 right now.  The incident I mentioned on the trip is still flaring up now that we're back and I would really like to pull myself out of the situation but there's no quick exit out of it.  Combine that with some random things that have happened since I've been back have frustrated me to no end.  I have no patience right now really.  And I don't know when I will get any back.  I'm also not forcing myself to get it back right now either.  Don't ask a question you really don't want the answer to right now and don't promise you will do something and then fall down on your end of things on.  I'm super duper done.

So I'm sure some of you are wondering if I saw The Dutchman while I was away.  I will say yes.  For like five minutes.  I'm not kidding five minutes.  Long enough to say hi, maybe hug and then he had to leave and the next free night I had we didn't connect.  We weren't together long enough for him to ask why I wasn't wearing my glasses lol.  I'm not sure what I was expecting from our contact but I know now that there are some things that shifted.  It was a good shift and a necessary shift and when I'm done being petty I think the universe will be ready for what I'm ready for but hey if it's not I can wait.  There's enough other stuff on my plate right now.  Hope all is well with whomever is still giving this spot a read.

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because neither one of us..

Saturday, February 23, 2019 No comments
I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted.  There are a billion and one things going on and I'm settling into life sans relationships of note.  I haven't officially said it here mostly because I am not saying much here apparently.  After last year, I am single again and not really looking at anything substantial developing.  I know what would likely make me thrilled with the universe but I also have entirely too much going on to pursue it or even begin to know where to look.  I know that most of the time dating doesn't even cross my brain and when it does it's mostly I suck at the whole enterprise.  Which briefly makes me think about "making it work" with an ex when there's literally a legitimate reason all of those relationships did not work.


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Gamer Girl Gone Moderate

Sunday, January 13, 2019 No comments
I'm not sure what I'm going to call this post yet but I wanted to start writing before I forgot again.  This is about relationships and gaming but it won't make much sense at the beginning.  I've spoken before about wanting a strong mental connection with the person I submit to as it helps me slip into that role more.  I'll take an emotional one but that can be less stable for the long-term because that rush at the beginning of a relationship is never perpetual whereas that mental thing might make me slip into a smile randomly well after the relationship has run it's course and I'm just glad the person in question has no idea they could have had me for a new Build a Bear.  I really like teddy bears.

Anyway, when I have needed intellectual challenges or stimulation I have periodically delved more into gaming as a distraction.  I've been involved in gaming since I was a kid and we had to play on a Commodore 64 and had a blast playing BeatSaber this Christmas with the family but usually I get involved in games that involve some long-term strategy or those that need quick skill as both make me go yep got it or hmm that worked out differently than I planned but still good shit.


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Bonjour 2019, Au Revoir 2018

Monday, December 31, 2018 No comments
This will probably be short.  End of the year is fast approaching for me.  I'm back from a much needed family vacation and having some of the best conversations ever.  My turkey is chilling in the fridge after being injected with seasoned butter to be fried tomorrow.  My floors have been completed and are under budget.  My relationships meh.  We'll see what next year has to bring on the romantic front.  Honestly, I'm in a good place even if that place isn't requiring me to submit to another human.  Have a great NYE and blessed new year.

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Cold Medicine Is a Girl's Best Friend

Tuesday, December 18, 2018 No comments
I've been fighting off illness as I have been thinking about the universe the last few weeks.  It comes and goes.  I sound like a troll, get better, sleep a lot and start the process all over.  That's been the last few months with random temperature shifts and too much stress which culminated in my last post about needing a break.  That wasn't the only reason of course but when you're bone tired and something else presents itself it was time for a shut down.  I didn't even have the benefit of a lot of extra work to do in order to distract myself because for once I actually balanced my schedule well.  But since I needed sleep anyway that hasn't been a bad thing.  I've been listening to music with the woman who spawned me and chilling and needing to clean up my room before the floors are redone but really I've been able to process the non curve curve ball.  That will make more sense in a bit but I have to thank the folks in my life for being them and making me giggle when needed.


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Going to take a break

Saturday, December 08, 2018 No comments
I may or may not come back to this space. It may be time to say goodbye to red velvet forever.

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