Going to take a break

Saturday, December 08, 2018 No comments
I may or may not come back to this space. It may be time to say goodbye to red velvet forever.

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What to Say

Sunday, November 25, 2018 No comments
I haven't been here in a while and I'm not sure why.  Work has been hectic and I'm tired but it's also amazing and I'm loving myself.  I need inspiration I think.  In my other spaces I have a clear mission and focus.  Here I feel untethered.  Like yes this was my identity but I'm not sure if it fits anymore.  But how does something that has been deeply entrenched in my psyche for 20 years just disappear?  Not sure but it feels like it's slipping away.

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deep breaths

Sunday, September 30, 2018 No comments
I debated posting this because I'm still debating grown up life on so many fronts. I purposely didn't do anything today besides watch tv and chill because I'm tired and I wanted to see a few things.  I was right about one thing and it reminded me of why I don't extend myself to people after a while.  My voice is ignored until someone needs something and fuck that.  I'm ready for a long vacation.  I keep noticing the places that pop up when Windows boots up are calling to me and none of them, well almost none of them are stateside.  I need to start working on my foreign language development again.  I need to make an exit strategy. 

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new journeys, old ideas

Sunday, August 05, 2018 No comments
The busiest part of my year has descended upon me again and and it tends to make me introspective.  I'm trying something dramatic with my hair and that will be an investment of time, energy and patience but that's not what has me deep in though yet again.  I was on fetlife earlier deleting groups that don't really hold must interest for me anymore and that old rumination started to dance through my head.  Why am I here?  Not just fetlife but in the kink community overall.  I am not feeling terribly submissive at the moment.  I haven't felt that way in a while really and I'm not sure when that hit in full force.  Maybe because the last year of work has been mind numbing and that won't end until the end of the month.  A new stress will descend then but it may not be perpetual. 

Honestly I just feel disconnected from things and people.  It's either take care of them or wait for them to take care of themselves.  Neither situation is ideal for me.  I'm not even desiring of something in particular for them just to be stable independently of me so that I can enjoy them in the space they are in, lean on them or what have you.  I can't get there with most folks right now.  I try but then another shoe drops and I'm like ok sleep in a week or so.  I'm thinking I may have a misguided idea of what people can be for me.  When I interviewed for a new position at work they looked over my resume and flat out asked when I slept.  The honest answer is between midnight and 6:30 but not consistently.  And that I stress out until things are done right and in order.  And that eventually I get over it, do it myself, and get some rest at some point after that. 

Part of what has always appealed to me about submission is the ability to let go and let me partner lead.  I don't need to be broken but I need to see in a partner of behavior that I can depend on them no matter what for emotional, psychological and whatever other kind of support.  Not financial I can usually handle that but I want to look over and never wonder if that person, my person, will respond in the ways I need them to when I need that support.  There's an issue there for sure on my part because my needs can shift depending on my external stressors but I haven't been able to click on all cylinders with someone for a long stretch of time.  It starts out great and then I start to retreat at some point.  Unlike Morris Day I don't want perfection I just want stable.  Or maybe I don't want this at all and I'm deluding myself because leaving this space after so long is more terrifying than being aware that I'm not where I want to be as a submissive.

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Blocking Boomerangs

Thursday, August 02, 2018 No comments
It's the first week of August and that would normally mean I'm in a random city to attend a work conference but that got moved back to next week.  This week I'm going another annual work thing that has not felt as good as it normally does but as it comes to an end tomorrow something struck my mind.  I have been doing this event at least as long as I have known Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman.  I know this because I usually end up talking to one of them while I'm doing something during the week cause I'm tired of people.  This year not so much and not because they aren't great human beings still but I've been ridiculously tired.  I don't talk to either one of them as much as I probably could but it's been a YEAR man so I've appreciated that Mr. Wolf checks up on me but is letting me do life and respected the fact that the Dutchman is decidedly Dutch and handles life differently than I do.

Honestly I'm really happy right now.  I'm taking care of things that need to be done around my house and trying something new with my hair that I hope to enjoy.  And most of all I'm just smiling at one of my exes who seems to think I'm an on demand sex robot.  Like we don't talk for months on end and then I get a random request for something or other.  It gives me a good story to tell but yeah not really trying to revisit old dick.  I'm not actively looking for new dick though either.  I go through spells where sex just isn't all that important to me and I'm in one of them.  Work is kicking my ass and that is usually a good sign that I won't be horny or receptive to other folks being horny. 

I completely lost track of my point which means it is bed time.  Bye y'all.

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It's Been a Minute

Sunday, July 15, 2018 1 comment
Not sure why I haven't updated the page in a while.  Wait a fucking minute yes I do lol.  I was about to say nothing pressing has been happening but that is a LIE.  My mother, in all her infinite wonder is literally just now coming out of a massive health scare.  She spent about a month in the hospital after being diagnosed with an unexpected but intense medical issue.  She spent a month at home with me basically becoming a pseudo nurse.  And then she spent another month in the hospital and rehab after surgery to repair the issue once and for all.  We've been home and settled for not quite two weeks and have I hope a last follow up with the doctor tomorrow before a different wave of medical issues take over my life.  Those shouldn't be as intense, at least I hope not, because work will be back in full swing by then.  I don't have much else to say at the moment.  I'm contemplating making some changes to my hair and need to get back to the gym but that's nothing new.  Hope you are all well.

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when she feels like breaking

Sunday, April 15, 2018 No comments
there are moments when she just feels like stopping and screaming and saying fuck it and wouldn't life just be easier if she could.  she knows she can't.  people depend on her to not sleep, juggle twelve projects, find a way from no way, be perpetually functional, sarcastic and supportive.  it doesn't mean she doesn't want to and that reaching out for help won't make it better.  mostly cause she doesn't know what she needs besides the ability to stop for a moment.  to do nothing substantial or significant or serious.  instead she sighs deeply, crises in the shower as needed, takes random moments for self-care and dream crazy dreams when her mind slows down enough to do so.  she thought about leaning on him but realizes no him has ever really provided what she needed in that moment.  no one has in nearly seventeen years.  it's not their fault, they love her and want to make her smile but there's no time for that, she just needs to be.  so when she feels like breaking she must find the superglue and do a quick patch job.  there's not room or space for more than a crack and repair.

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Just a flash

Sunday, April 08, 2018 No comments
You know I've been busy but I've had about fifty million things I could tell you that I haven't thus far.  No big reason for it but because sometimes when I'm not feeling fully engaged with D/s or being sexual I have no connection to this spot.  I have been thinking about a post for the last few weeks because my brain keeps having flashes of being pushed up against a wall or folded up in half on my bed and I'm being fucked hard.  My mind is blank and happy.  I make no attempts to touch the person having sex with me, call their name or do more than just enjoy the moment.  Having said that it's clearly not anyone I know.  Just a flash of a moment.  I don't even get close to having an orgasm and I've made no moves to force an orgasm after the flash ends.  I'm not sure I'm even horny during the flash but it's pleasant and then it's over. 

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