Finally some relief

Thursday, January 27, 2022 No comments

My body is finally healing.  It threw things in a bit of disarray as I was trying to come home but fuck it we're done now.  Okay not done, I probably have another day or two of antibiotics at a minimum before it's ready to be gone out of my system this time but I did listen to my body more clearly.  I only went to the office on the days that I needed to be there and said fuck it on the days that I did not.  Life is better.  I can actually go get my massage tomorrow and drive down to take care of an issue with my car.  Well provided it doesn't snow again.  Ahh well, I need a nap.  Not this early because I am not trying to be exhausted when I wake up in the morning.

Complete this sentence and then keep writing: I owe an apology to myself for all of the times I didn't put my needs first, when I couldn't find my voice, when I kept myself comfortable instead of happy and when I didn't hold myself accountable.  Each of those failings has meant that I didn't experience something new or joyful or that I didn't maintain progress that helped me move on to some new level.  I always put myself a little lower on the priority list and that isn't healthy because when I finally am able to take care of me because I have to then other people get upset or inpatient as I am usually so accessible.  Now I will never ignore everyone else and what they need but if I wasn't the caregiver in the family or the responsible one I don't know that I'd be writing this right now or that I'd be writing it from a new spot instead of where I am now.  I would probably be enjoying a pair of size 10 jeans with my butt nice and tight and boobs acting like not sure where you think I'm going.  And if I had been better to myself I would have moved on from certain things and situations earlier than I did because nothing came from fixating on them or staying longer than I should have really.  So yes to be my best me, I need to love on me harder.


no puedo

Wednesday, January 26, 2022 No comments

I'm exhausted so responses will be brief

Prompt for yesterday: What have you done today to honor your relationship?  Literally nothing because I'm super single and enjoy that right now.

Prompt for today: Does romance have its place in a D/s relationship?  Of course it does and if it doesn't then you suck.  That's not true, it may not have a place in all D/s relationships but in mine it has thus far.  I enjoy it and will enjoy it more again.


Because snow on a Monday is on trend

Monday, January 24, 2022 No comments

Still feeling cruddy and it's snowing and cold.  Boo.

Prompt for today: What is your most favorite part of your Dominant's body? Do you pay special attention to it? How would you feel about having to worship their body part as a part of your service?  I don't know that I've ever thought about a favorite body part.  In a very esoteric way, I would say brain because it's the part that keeps me in check and happy.  Can't really worship that without making his actual head larger than it needs to be.  So secondary to that would be his hands.  I love them stroking my face and choking my neck and doing other random shit with them.  Tying me up is good too.  I think I'd be fine worshiping hands if I needed to do so.  Not sure what he'd make me do but I'm probably okay with it.


Best Laid Plans, who the fuck am I kidding

Sunday, January 23, 2022 No comments

So my plan for today was to get up and reboot.  However, my overstressed last few weeks finally caught up to me yesterday and I had a flair up with my autoimmune situation.  The antibiotics kicked my ass and my body just derailed.  On the upside, not terribly hungry so not overeating.  Downside, I'm really fucking tired right now and have been napping on and off.

Prompt for today: What is your understanding of Topping from the Bottom?   I started this hours ago and then I took a nap and my mom came to hang out so here ya go.  My understanding of this is how a sub/bottom/brat whatever it is finds a way to manipulate their Dom/Top/Whatever is opposite of brat into whatever direction or actions they want without being obvious about it.  It's manipulative to me and with a dominant partner who may not be as sure of themselves it seems like it could happen more often.  I think of given ultimatums or making the Dominant partner upset mid scene so they lose their cool and are more aggressive or inflict more pain than they were planning.  Or challenging them on something that provokes a certain response.  This seems like it could go awry quickly and isn't worth it really.  Just find someone that fits you better.


Early post because I can

Saturday, January 22, 2022 No comments

doing it now before i fall asleep and forget

Prompt for the day: What are ways you can feel submissive without a partner? (something like that, I closed the kindle and don't feel like opening it back up).  Truthfully, I am almost never submissive without a partner.  My vibe, career and responsibilities mean that submission doesn't pop up often if I'm not in the presence of someone that provokes it.  With the right sexual partner I'm submissive but it's to achieve a goal not because they make me submissive.  I've met some people whose initial energy provoked a submissive response but upon getting to know more about them, it wasn't that they were not interesting but that I personally wasn't interested because they were not going to be able to give me what I wanted.  So yep no submission without partner.


So my dumbass who is grieving must also get back on my self-care grind

Friday, January 21, 2022 No comments

I don't want to belabor the point so I won't.  I have lost and gained weight repeatedly over the last few years.  My comfy pants are no longer comfy and that's a pain in the ass.  I bought something to help me work out at home but it was such a cluster to get that I haven't done so since it arrived last week.  This is my last weekend of not tending to my diet and workout.  I'm not going to starve myself but I know how to cook well to take care of me and get this weight under control again.  Plus it should help with my mood, anger and sleep.

Prompt for today: Talk about the ways you're different from your partner.  How did it impact your relationship with them?  I won't cop out and say I'm single.  I'm usually much more reserved than my partners.  By that I mean I don't like being out front and gaining attention from random folks.  I enjoy being in small circles with people I care about or who I share some commonality with but if I'm front and center I dislike it a whole whole lot.  I also tend to worry about things more than they do for the most part.  I think that's mostly from nearly two decades of having to take care of mom with money being there or not randomly.  And I am usually more educated, not smarter necessarily, than my partners as I have several degrees and most of them have finished college at most.  It means that we see life differently, we have different interests usually and we have to learn how to fit together but that challenge makes me engage.  May also be why they ended because we are approaching the why of the relationships differently too.


in times of loss, i am quiet

Thursday, January 20, 2022 No comments

i don't have a lot of words right now so i'll focus on the prompt: do the people in your life understand you well?  is there something you wish they knew about you that you've kept hidden so far?  conversely, is there anyone who understands you better than you know yourself?  in my current life not really.  i keep a lot close to the vest because unconstrained me is sometimes a hot mess but doesn't want everyone hovering.  and i don't want to talk about kink with my family.  i envy folks that do but that's now how my family gets down so nope.  honestly, the person who knew/knows me best is the dutchman.  he understood how i ticked and what i would respond to much better than i ever did and he made me feel things i wasn't sure even existed.  that didn't mean he knew how to manage my vulnerable/needy side.  that one is a whirling dervish for most folks so can't blame him for that. 


running running running

Wednesday, January 19, 2022 No comments

Today was just busy.  Nothing out of the ordinary just busy.  Prompt for today is as follows: How do recover from a relationship ending?  Well normally I just retreat from folks for a while and lick my figurative wounds as it were in private.  May take a few months, it's taken as long as a few years and then I tip toe out of my hiding place to see if I'm ready to meet someone new.  If I am then I know I'm done with the grieving and analyzing.  If not, I just take some more time.  But I spend a lot of time thinking and allowing myself to feel things.  Anger, sadness, loneliness and heartbreak.  Then I slide into introspective and usually a bit of joy about what happened that I can embrace and make myself better for the next time.