useless info about me

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 1 comment

You are like a rockstar...only in Dutch.

Find out what YOUR inner non-sequitur is!

quiz by A.V. Phibes

eta: i would like to take this moment to thank Sidra for not calling me out anywhere and for not gloating about the Emperor coming up in my spread, thanks i appreciate it.


ok so i got issues

my mother has been stressing me out MIGHTILY for the last few weeks and i cannot stand being stressed out when it's not my issue. i feel bad she's not able to do what she wants and she feels all out of sorts but truthfully we've been babying her and it's not helpful. she doesn't want to do what she needs to do in order to get better and more often than not our conversation deterioate into how much i don't understand her and how i should just be more caring and let her come stay with me now. okay i have no MAJOR issue with her moving in, i really just wanted two or three months in my place alone. so i could finish unpacking, learn the city, get settled in my job BEFORE she got here and did nothing. however, she won't let me have that obviously so probably before the first of october my mother will be moving in and effectively starting my body on its downward spiral toward insanity because i'm gonna go crazy if she's there all the time.

the ONLY bright spot in any of this has been Emperor. yeah i know, make me vomit, she's getting all sappy. but i mean this in all sincerity He's been a protective dear to me everytime i've reached out to Him in a panic or sweat or just pissy mood. He makes me smile and peaceful and i'm not sure what i did exactly that made Him take an interest in me but i'm glad He has. now if i can just work out that whole space time continuum thing we can see each other whenever we like as opposed to when we can get it scheduled.

other than that i want a nice silver collar, one that really looks like it could be a necklace because i want to wear it all the time. if you see one let me know please.

see ya


roflmao, y'all just don't know

Friday, August 26, 2005 1 comment
okay so i am a dufus. my brain has been all fuzzy lately and part of that is just this general disconnection i've been feeling with Emperor. if He's doing it intentionally yippee it's working. if not it's so weird. generally speaking it's not causing me any pain. i don't want to look for a new Dom but the week with no internet loving has slated my rush to be by His side. He calls when He should, mostly, but even that hasn't been an overwhelming issue of late. i am slightly upset those nights i don't dream about Him but that's because they are such lovely dreams. i wake up in a state of peace i haven't felt since well sometime before my father died. so you all don't know this about me yet but my life is an amalgamation of things that don't really fit if you look at me on the surface. one of those things that doesn't fit is my absolute belief that it sometimes necessary to consult the cards and stars for some advice. so today after i open a karmic report email i decide to go clicking around the site. feeling no real connection to any particular part of the board, i ultimately found myself on the free portion of a romantic keltic cross spread. i'm gonna add the cards as i saw them in my reading and let you be the judge of what i read and it's ultimately funny timing.

Seven of Swords
Position: Love & Me
Main (positional) Meaning:Through self-discipline you have honed new skills of observation and perception; now you know how to come out on top in a relationship situation.The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now.With the Seven of Swords in this position, you have cultivated the attitudes, habits and disposition of a winner. You have trained yourself to instinctively notice the opportunity, positive potential or advantage in a situation with your love interest. Although this may not be a characteristic you originally possessed, you have disciplined yourself in such a way that you naturally seek out the openings in your life. You have learned to look past all the obstacles and setbacks you encounter as if they were already conquered.

The Star
Position: Love Situation
Main (positional) Meaning:Keep your ears open for wisdom and divine wisdom to guide your relationship.The card that lands in the Love Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.When the Star is in this position, you may be starting to understand your true purpose for being together. When you understand that, you can ground your relationship around a common center. This means living your lives calmly from the inside-out rather than being at the mercy of external circumstances. Those whose relationships have reached this level of clarity and serenity know they are blessed. When you are involved in a heart to heart connection with the person you love, you are free to open up and experience the magic of every moment.

The Emperor
Position: Love Challenges
Meaning of this Position:The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.The Love Challenges position helps you get the best out of your situation. It reflects the cutting edge in the situation, the learning curve whereby you can turn adversity into accomplishment -- using creativity and a positive attitude. This card can point to recurring themes in the challenges you have faced in your life -- and to opportunities that may yet present themselves. Can you think of any patterns which are returning to affect you now? If so, try to recall how you have reacted in the past. Perhaps you can see new potentials, while noticing the hidden pitfalls too. Can you imagine a different way of responding to the situation this time around? The wisdom of this card can help you turn surprises into strengths, blind spots into windows of opportunity. Bring creativity and flexibility to the way you go about your way in the world. Your expanding capacity wll become an asset and source of inspiration to all.

so swear to God they came up just as randomly as the temperature in my office fluctuates all damn day. it just made me giggle on so many levels. i do care about Emperor, i've said that i think on numerous occasions, but i've been fighting trying to make this more than it is because at the end of the day i don't know His thoughts or desires. He's ten good hours on the road from me so whatever He did at home would never even cross my path here. and let's face it i've been fighting it because i don't want to get hurt again, by Emperor or anyone else. i was up in e-therapy with Sidra for hours before i finally confessed my heart lust for Him. now that i have, and hell before then too, i've been looking for any and every reason to run away. i didn't click on the reading for confirmation that with time and patience things will be just fine. i clicked on it to verify to myself that no matter what He says He'll just end up like the others and everytime i try something like my destination card ends up being The Emperor. so i'm sure you're wondering what the problem is, why must i fight this so? it's not because i can and not because i want Him gone, it's because for the first time in a minute i don't want a him gone. it's because i'm happily making considerations and concessions in my life because i WANT Him. but because as women are by nature insecure and no matter how i fight it i am most DEFINITELY a woman, my spirit does not rest well because we are not closer together and because i'm not SURE what He wants from me. it's sad but true, i really don't want Him going further than He'll let me follow. god i sound sappy, let me go to my meeting.


i wonder.....

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 1 comment
not sure what i wonder, i'm only posting now because i haven't spoken to you all in a while and because Sidra is threatening me with her old mean self. both my laptop and desktop crashed this weekend so my net access is restricted to work. not necessarily a bad thing but it's made keeping up with some things a little more difficult. for example there's this shiny collar i want but i haven't been able to show it to Emperor because i have no net access. i'm hoping they finish checking out my harddrive soon so i can ask to have it fixed or replaced for FREE. then i can resume my life to some degree because i'm stymied on my dissertation until i have it back or know its permanently gone. i'm rambling now i know it but it's partly because i'm avoiding the obvious topic: Emperor.

truly i'm not feeling all that jealous anymore. i can't worry about what He's going to or when He's going to do it. i like Him a lot but there's only so much i can do when we are so far apart and when i don't hear from Him regularly. i know i'm probably being stubborn because i want Him to teach me, lead me, spank me but i have to be realistic in that other men would happily do that for me as well if Emperor decides He no longer wants to. and i know some of this is just me being moody and i'm trying to stop my "it's not making sense RIGHT THIS MOMENT so i'm out" thing as well. but Emperor seems to want more attention than i can give Him and the distance puts a damper on when either of us wants to be close to the other one. part of me knows that if He were to ever caress my cheek (the ones on my face you pervs ROFL) in just the right way i'd never stray out of His purview again. maybe that's why it hasn't happened yet. because after He does i may be truly sprung on someone that gets every facet that is me. until i know something more definitive, i'll just leave you all with i do wonder..............


two steps forward, three steps back

Saturday, August 20, 2005 No comments
all in all today was a good day. work was good. afterwork has been mostly good. prints i've had collecting dust have finally found their home in frames that were on sale at hobby lobby. and then :-) well then Emperor logged on and my heart did a pitter patter as it always does. maybe i'll get spanked tonight. maybe i'll get to sit as His feet and soak up the wonder that is Him. maybe He'll rename me and i'll really be His. not so much. after my inital hug, not a word. i'm not panicked or distraught, just a little disappointed. what can i do really but sit and twiddle my thumbs (ie blog to all of you anonymous people). i guess i could log off and go to bed but then i'd just lay here and wonder what He was doing. i'm such a pitiful sight at the moment. oh well i'll listen to my radio till i get bored and then i'll pack it in for the night.



School is in session day two

Friday, August 19, 2005 No comments
okay so i've been slacking in the posting but i do have a job beyond keeping Emperor smiling. and i go back and forth between thinking He wants me to keep my job indefinitely to thinking He'd be rid of me if anyone was remotely willing to do any of the things i am (sorry, had to pause and smile--thinking of those "things" always makes me blush and get excited). i'm sure things would be different if we weren't so far apart but trying to learn His wants and desires does consume me a better part of some days. on top of that i am just a chronic overachiever so i've been reading up on various websites about dom/mes and subs, contracts, collars, safe words, the difference between BD, D/s, and SM on top of the different "types" of subs that exist according to one site. i didn't fall into any one category at least not in my brain. by nature/nurture i have an intense desire to please the man i'm with, it does spill over into other areas but i'm more than capable of being a good speaker/worker and thus pleasing the powers that be. i can be a smart ass, i have been with others in order to elicit more "forceful" lovemaking but in general it's not my modus operandi. and truthfully i do have some masochistic leanings, if i didn't Emperor wouldn't intrigue me so, which makes the mix of pain and pleasure so wonderfully intoxicating. so i guess i'm more of a hybrid sub lol who wants nothing more than to make sure her Emperor is never displeased.

having said that, i often think have i gone off the deep end--will a vanilla relationship ever work for me again? honestly right now i don't know. it's most definitely not what i want as i type this. i mean i could be part of a vanilla couple given certain circumstances but i would choose to live my life as a sub with my Dom/Master. working and doing the things that i have to do in order to help support the relationship but relinquishing power and control to Emperor as soon as the world walled itself off from me when our door closed. i've read about Dom/mes having vanilla partners and then their subs which i guess works for them but i think my brain would fry if Emperor opted to marry someone "straight" and then keep me as well. i'm not even sure he would keep me as i can't think of a single friend of mine that would be okay with her hubby keeping a sub mistress. i'm not unopposed to being part of a extended little family as it were with Emperor still being my Master but the thought of anyone having more claim to him that i would distress me to no end. we haven't gotten to that point though so it's one of those worries i don't have to address often. if things progress to that stage i'll have to be honest with Him as i was before and just hope that things will turn out for the best.

the last thing i'll share today has to do with yet another thing i read over the last few days. the sub writing the article was very adamant about knowing what you want from a Dom/Master so that you are not emotionally investing in someone that would like to use you but not keep you. makes sense but we emotionally invest when we shouldn't all of the time. that's neither here nor there though. so the end of this post will begin to address what i want from my Master, who at the moment is Emperor personified so aren't i a lucky girl?
  • i would like someone who is open and willing to train me to their SPECIFIC needs: eliminates confusion for me and makes me happy to please them
  • i would like someone who is quite aware of my newness but still ready to make me the best sub i can be
  • i would like someone that sees the longterm potential in this lifestyle and wants to engage in it
  • i would like someone who despite my newness has such a sadistic streak that being aware of my limits only excites in Him a need to shove me beyond them moaning and screaming
  • i would like to spend days or weeks being spanked, choked, tied up and humbled by my Master
  • i would like to be in constant service to my Master
  • i would eventually like to be the alpha/collered sub in my Master's domain: i'm always willing to share as long as i'm remotely secure in my position in His life

now wasn't that basic and simple? here's what for the moment i know i don't want.

  • someone that is just toying around in the lifestyle
  • someone who will not consistently discipline me
  • someone who will not appreciate the gift of submission
  • someone not confident in their leadership
  • someone who is not interested in a longterm arrangement (longterm of course being negotiable)

both lists will grow or be changed i'm sure. i'll copy them and update them as needed. now i need to go, it's time to go corset shopping with my new friend Mistress Sidra so that i can find the perfect black corset before i see Emperor next. toodles everyone.


Dream lover come rescue me

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 No comments
Okay yeah that was hella corny but i've been having the most vivid dreams about Emperor lately. They are all plausible situations except last night. Last night i dreamt we were snuggling and i was happy. It was the most bizarre thing. Not because we were in bed together or that i was happy. The snuggling thing though, well that's just random. i don't recall discussing it with him specifically but snuggling aint on my list of things to do. i think maybe it was just my overactive imagination wanting to be with Him again. i don't have a lot else to say right now. if anyone out there knows my Emperor, let Him know He's very special to me and i really do miss Him terribly.


should i stay or should i go....

Sunday, August 14, 2005 No comments
okay so i'm being moody but Emperor doesn't understand the whole periodic pet thing. i've missed Him mercilessly but i don't think it matters. He's off doing, well Emperor stuff--He's a little secretive--and i'm sitting here bored. i keep trying to remember that He stated He wanted me around but well when you don't hear from the object of your desire routinely it's easy to get a little weird. which of course i'm keeping to myself. i am being a dutiful pet regardless. i've set up groups in various spots to help find Emperor's newest toy. i'm extending myself in private to hopefully....well i don't know what i'm hoping for anymore. i'm tired as all sin but my place is in the progress of transition from apartment to my space. maybe it will feel more homey if Emperor comes and christens the place with me. who knows? back to the 4400 and i need to start dinner.



You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart
Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome
Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand
And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?
What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-)

You Are Glam Sexy

You live for flaunting your sexiness, and you totally work it.Why not? You've got the goods - you might as well use them.You're 100% woman, and you never go out without looking your best.After all, you never can tell when you might bump into Mr. Perfect! What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

You are Submissive
You are VERY submissive and like to be told what to
do. You even dress up as a cute kitten to
please you master ^_^

Are you Dominant or Submissive???
brought to you by Quizilla


confusion, seduction, prostitution lol (not really)

Saturday, August 13, 2005 2 comments
Yeah okay not original I know but eh get over it. I've been functioning on about five hours of sleep and folks have interrupted every catnap I've tried to take. I may have hooked up a sub wannabe and a domme in training so that makes me smile. When she reads this she's going to hurt me but she should know by know that I'd like that so it's pointless ROFLMAO. Well not as much as if Emperor did it but that's a different story entirely. Despite my sleep deprivation, it's been mostly a good day.

I've been chatting with one of Emperor's latest flirtation victims and wondering what makes me any different from here. Of course, I've asked before and I've gotten a nice answer but isn't a man in lust full of nice answers. In a way, this has been good therapy for myself. I'm no where near as delusional as she is but three days of seeing disinterest turn into malice has again made me wonder about this man that keeps saying He wants to be my teacher. The sadistic side greatly intrigues me of course, I mean I'm a bit of an extreme masochist, but for Him to run that hot and cold and still telling me that I am a wanted possession. And as you read yesterday, I want to be one of His toys but I can't help but feel a bit troubled. Part of me wants to speak to Him and return to my life of random men but the part He was able to snatch into His palm is screaming don't you dare. At least not until....until what I'm not sure at all but not yet. I am just confused but I am reminded how much our mind has to do with our lust and our love and our inability to move beyond when we would tell others to do the same. Eventually my hand will be pushed, I was just hoping it would be pushed by Him back into a tight rope. Gonna go roam the net and get some studying in.


Lord give me chastity, but not yet

Okay so I'm sure I misquoted that a bit but it's one of the random thoughts in my brain right now. Mainly I'm thinking about Emperor and relationships and my dynamics and control issues. Emperor mentioned one day that all women had a need to control things and in my indignant sub space mind I was thinking well except for me. That's not exactly true. I don't want to control HIM persay but I would like to be able to control when and how/if He reponds to me. There are moments of excrutiating pain dealing with Him that have nothing to do with being bound. I worry, unnecessarily so apparently, that He's tired of me already. To someone in my current state of development that is the WORST feeling imaginable. I mean I just found Him so to be cast out would be devestating on one level. And because of that thought floating in and out of my brain I feel part of myself pull back from Him until He responds to me again. Then it feels like His hand is stroking my hair and carressing my cheek and everything feels good again. And my body reacts as if He were here with me. I feel like He's allowed me to curl up next to Him after we've just finished an intense evening. He's massaging skin that He just abused and engendering/deepening my devotion to Him. He doesn't know all of this because I can't figure out how to tell Him without scaring Him. I definitely don't mean to scare Him, I just want Him to know the level on which He's affected my life. I think He does though on some minor level. I just want it to be more clearly understood but I won't force it to be anything more than it is. Regardless of whatever else comes to pass, He'll always be the man that set me out on this journey so He'll always be special to me. Part of me would just be overjoyed though if He kept me for the rest of His life. I would be the best pet He ever had. I'd do anything to keep Him happy. But He knows this already so it is completely up to Him on one hand. I've whined enough for one night. Be blessed boys and girls.

--red velvet


Ego Tripping

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 No comments
Okay not really, I'm having a moment. Emperor has been sporadically inattentive and it was driving me crazy for a second. Then there is the whole issue of me being a good pet while he's sorta flirting with other people. That's difficult of course because I hate to share but I like being with him so a girl does what she has to. He makes things make sense for me in a world I'm getting accustomed to. I hope he can come visit soon. Oh well that's it for now.


my head hurts

Monday, August 08, 2005 No comments
I wrote this years ago but my head came back to this point about twenty minutes ago. Red Velvet is tired and a wee bit disappointed. Read on....

Someone once told me that I did not truly care about him but that I was in love with love. That I had no idea what loving someone meant or how to appreciate what it was when it was given to me. Now at the time I took great offense to that statement. How dare he tell me that I didn’t love him? Just because I assumed he was cheating on me and in my effort to stifle the pain cheated on him. If he loved me then he should understand that was only reacting to the potential hurt his alleged infidelity was going to cause me. The fact that he had not cheated on me did not escape me. And the fact that I had cheated on him would not escape him. Thus began the tempestuous nature of our relationship. What type of relationship it was is left to the philosophers I guess. We were both incredibly young and impulsive and overly intelligent for our ages. For the most part we didn’t act but reacted to each other. It was a bizarre little dance and we learned our parts well. Never negating the actual love that existed but doing everything in our power not to be the weak one. Not to be the one that reached out first and said I give up. I need you more than I need this. You are probably wondering what all this has to do with the original statement. Well let me address that now. I probably didn’t love him. Not the way my childish mind thought I did at the time. I had no concept of love other than him, he was my first love. All I knew for certain was that I wanted him intensely, passionately and with my whole heart. But that did not stop me from hurting him or being hurt by him. And I did not let him go until I realized that saying I love you wouldn’t fix things. It had worked so many times before but it finally dawned on both of us that love was not enough. We were missing whatever that something else was that went with the love that could sustain a normal relationship. It may have been maturity, experience or understanding. What ever it was the fact that we didn’t have it did not come to our attention soon enough and as a result has played itself out throughout my later years.

I thrived on the chaos of that situation. Each day led to some new outrageous experience that would teach me how to do him one better. How to disappear from the fact that I wanted or needed someone other than myself. Never mind that I love said man and it hurt my heart to watch him leave but he had to go before he hurt me. Some might say it’s because I didn’t have my father in the home. I was looking for approval through these men and they might be partially right. But I loved my father and had a wonderful relationship with him so I think that didn’t have much if anything to do with it. What I think it was has to do with my father yes but not by his absence from my home. I never doubted in my mind that my parents loved me. Well I maybe doubted my mom but only when she made me eat liver and onions. I have serious doubts, however, that my parents loved each other. I don’t recall them saying it to each other. I don’t remember them saying it to anyone else. I don’t remember them being affectionate and I don’t remember them ever going off to spend time alone together. I remember them seemingly competing for my brother’s and my attention. I remember the hurt on my mother’s face after an argument with my father when I went to him before I came to her and when I told her I wanted to live with him if they got divorced. Beyond that I remember distance between them and I remember watching them grow farther apart. I can to this day say I never understood the dynamics of my parents’ relationship. What I do understand is somehow that dynamic led me to what happened when I first fell in love and what is happening now.

Sometimes, when I meet a man that I might truly like, I seem to immediately set about torpedoing the relationship. I do things like men do them and that doesn’t actually work apparently, and from what I’ve been told, if you are trying to establish a long term relationship. I’ve never had a problem with casual sex as long as we are both consenting and protected. And I have no problem not being committed to someone in particular for long stretches of time. It usually serves to protect me from the fallout from the drama that inevitably ensues. But every now and then I meet this man that I want to be more than just a casual friend. So I get rid of the others I had when he met me and I start acting like a girl, as my friends have said, and I start letting myself think of wedding dresses and grandchildren and growing old together. We start spending more and more time together. We laugh and joke and share plans for the future and the pages in my “How We Met” diary are just flipping. The only problem is he hasn’t moved onto the same page I’m on. He usually is quite confused that I managed to make such a leap. Because men don’t believe me when I say they are the only ones. I know I’ve been monogamy challenged but for the right man everything is possible. And then I’m left to wonder why he didn’t take me seriously or why it never occurred to him that I might want something more. Now I know what you’re thinking. Stop moving so fast and it will be different. Hey I thought that too. So I did take my time and do the regular girl thing. Until I got tired of the games and it seemed like a good time to move forward. I’m still left wondering where I went wrong and why I’m invited to the wedding instead of planning my own. I’m tired of being the type of girl men would marry if they hadn’t met someone already or if we had met four years ago or if they could give me what I deserved. Some of them may be telling the truth but the fact still remains I’m alone and feeling unloved and unlovable.

Which brings me back to my first love. He adored me. And part of me has to believe on some level I loved him. Not correctly no. Not the way he deserved certainly and not to the point that could have boded well for any future interactions with men but I loved him. I have fallen in love with eight men since him. With few exceptions I managed to hurt him, in some form or fashion, by dealing with other men. Not for any of the reasons I gave with my first love and one wasn’t my fault at all, well at least not mainly my fault. Lately, however, it’s been the other way around. I am seriously believing that this man is going to be my man for here on out. Then I discover the girlfriend, fiancee or baby’s mother. Then I discover I’ve been keeping some other woman’s spot warm for her and I’m left wondering why I didn’t see it coming. You might say it’s pay back for how I treated the others. That’s distinctly possible. It could be that I will never have a healthy happy relationship with anyone again. But that seems so unfair. And maybe it is but then again maybe it isn’t.

I mean I am still confused about the concept of love. The men I love aren’t here for long so what is the point in loving them at all. The men I sleep with I can’t get rid of unless I start acting like I’m falling in love. Experience is supposed to be the best teacher. But my teacher keeps sending me to detention and I am learning things way too slowly. I would love to fall in love again. To finally open up and share all that I have to give with someone else but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Men don’t understand me and I sure as hell don’t understand them. So until we can come to some sort of understanding I guess will be at a standoff. An impasse as it were. I’m out for now.


Umm my lips hurt.....

Sunday, August 07, 2005 No comments

Not a lot on my mind at the moment. Well Emperor is but that's cause I'm horny and well the last time I got off real nice and good he was nearby. The porn star previously mentioned is featured to the right. I'm not sure how long I could stay tied like that but hmm it would be interesting to find out. I may be back later but until I get my shoes and a playdate I'm going to be posting sporadically. I'll leave ya with the lyrics from Rope Burn by Ms. Jackson.

Tie me up tie me down
Make me moan real loud
Take off my clothes
No one has to know
I wanna feel a soft rope burn
Wanna feel a rope burn

When you walked into the room
You knew just what to do
You could have gone from door to door
But you knew just where to go to
Come into my velvet room
And tell me fantasies
The passion in your voice I wanna hear
As you start to tell me
While you're at it take the blind fold
Tie it gently on me
Don't wanna see but feel the things
You're gonne do to me

Tie me up tie me down
Make me moan real loud
Take off my clothes
No one has to know
I wanna feel a soft rope burn
Wanna feel a rope burn

One in the mornin'
I'm feelin' so free and sensual
Lyin' here wearin'
Just my imagination for you
Sensation will do
Can you fell the warmth of the
Candlelight embrace your body
I'm feelin' the hot candle wax
Drippin' down the small of my back

Tie me up tie me down
Make me moan real loud
Take of my clothes
No one has to know
I wanna feel a soft rope burn
Wanna feel a rope burn

Tie me up tie me down
Make me moan real loud
Take of my clothes
No one has to know
I wanna feel a soft rope burn
Wanna feel a


Schools in session, well sort of

Saturday, August 06, 2005 No comments
I mentioned before that I have been studying up on this new lifestyle that I hope to incorporate more into my life. I read a lot of general sites at first which were great for terminology and resources for those engaging in the BDSM world. There are conferences, seminars and people willing to work with you individually to intruct you in the whatever facet you wish to engage in. This is on top of the books and the websites. I'm eventually going to become one of newest customers. They have a few things that made one of my friends blush so I figure that Emperor should enjoy them as well. He's more interested in my feet really which is why I've been on and as well as a host of other places as of late. I'm very excited because my Nordstrom's order shipped yesterday and the day before I found some adorable heels on sale. Dressing the part and reading up are on the first part of my agenda for my own edification. So I've been spending some time on as well. One of their members of the month, the one for May I think--the porn star that ultimately described herself as a switch, is what kept pushing me to continue reading. It's not just about Emperor, even though he's part of my motivation, it's about me learning how to lose myself in my surrender. It's going to be so much fun getting there and really I can't wait.

But really I'm waiting most eagerly for him to come visit. I can still hear his voice in my ear whispering about how much he was enjoying my helpless state. Truthfully I was enjoying that my damn self. Letting someone have total and complete control of me was such a rush. Being sore and tense and missing the soft stroking of my body he would do before smacking me was an unexpected side rush. I'd lose my breath whenever I let my mind drift too far back there. I'm getting all worked up thinking about him now. Who knew that being bound and gagged for a few hours would impact me in such a way. But I really want that rush again. It would be the closest thing to heaven I could experience right now. I hope he will eventually see this and understand the depth to which he has altered my perception. And even if he's not the one to take possession of me permanently, I'll have to be grateful to him for what he's already done.


Easing on down the road...

Friday, August 05, 2005 No comments
Okay so you knew I would be back soon. I like talking about myself and this. So about 30 minutes ago I left you with some sketchy details but some fleshed out background. Here we go with the nitty gritty of things. I met, let's call him Emperor, Emperor very casually. We posted something the other appreciated and went straight on into what started as some friendly chat. Emperor is very intelligent and talking to him was, if nothing else, very stimulating. I mean it's not everyday you find an intelligent single man that is not trying to molest you via the net. We were strictly buddies for a stretch. A random conversation late one evening could not have prepared me for what came next. We figured out quickly that we connected on that power exchange level and it wasn't long before I was begging him to test my mettle as it were. He was much more experienced than my previous companions. He gave me basic lessons on everything from how to address him to the various ways I could be tied up to sites he did or didn't recommend for me to gather more information about the journey I thought I was ready to take.

It all could have been overwhelming but he gently coaxed me and encouraged me and sought to nurture the burdgeoning submissive in my being. It was thrilling really. The idea that someday soon I'd be turning myself over to Emperor's care was enough to make me travel to him. Talking about it for weeks made it impossible for me to just sit still with the information. I needed to know if I would be able to handle whatever it was that he chose to bless me with. The initial few minutes, like our conversation, was tame enough. He chose to kiss my thighs and from there it was ratcheted up until I was chained ankle to wrist and begging to lick some part of his skin. Emperor deftly blended the tightness of the ropes with gentle stroking, biting, kissing and forceful commands. My mind was truly blown before he finally released me and I knew for certain that the thought I had could be a happy reality.

I have been enjoying a few necessary shopping sprees to better dress for the role. I can't wait to see him again as I most certainly have a surprise for him. But as he knows, I'll be waiting at his feet to fulfill his every command. He gave me the best gift EVER and the least I can do is return the favor.

I know this won't make sense to some of you. How could anyone willingly get into this without being screwed up? It's very easy and it allows me a whole different avenue for pleasure. Judge if you must but remember a sister is happy and as long as that is the case Emperor will be happy too as long as I have something to say about it.


So the journey begins.........

Okay this is my first post and I'm sure it won't be the last. As I approach my next major birthday my life is in flux, but it is also coming into focus for me. I'm starting a new career, finishing my last degree, and embarking on a whole new adventure for myself. This blog will document that adventure. For the purpose of this journey, call me Red Velvet. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to leave them and I'll do my best to respond. Enough of the preliminaries though. Here we go with our torrid tale of my indoctrination.

As you will come to understand through the course of this journal, I am what can be described as hypersexual. By that I mean, good sex can charge my batteries and turn me into the Sexual Energizer Bunny. It's great for me BUT it can be bad for my partner at the time. There has been very little out of the realm of possibility for me to engage in sexually and for that I have, as have my partners, incredibly happy. We can talk more about my overall sex life later because this is about one aspect of that life in particular.

I have always been intrigued by BDSM. However, anyone I knew that attempted it with me either didn't know what they were doing or they couldn't really get into it. So here I am at several proverbial crossroads and one of the evaluations I had to make of course was now that I was ready to leave the celibacy pool how and with whom would I proceed. I thought back to when I had the most fun and why it was fun and what was I really looking for in a partner. Then it hit me, not literally at that moment but it would later, I was happiest when I was truly being out of "character" when compared to my daily life. When I was allowing myself to submit to my partner. When I allowed my being and my body to be used for his pleasure. When my spirit was in his possession, my mind was at peace. And let's face it, I came like the sky had cracked open with a bolt of thunder. So with this regained knowledge I set my brain to figure out who could take me there again. And thankfully for me, and you if you are remotely interested in all of this, I met someone via the net that shoved me bound and gagged into the world I will eventually call home.

Peace for now. But I'll be back later to tell you about my seduction and welcoming into His world.

---Red Velvet