happy halloween

Monday, October 31, 2005 3 comments
i may come back and post later but for right now i hope everyone is having a good day.


ETA: this may be long or not, just depends on how the words get to flowing, let's begin.............

i am tired. i am tired of a multitude of things though. i worked today of course. all six of my clients arrived and save the hour i had for lunch that meant i was booked solid today. i love my job but days like today are very draining especially when there is no one home to connect to and feel whole and seperate from my job with.

before i left for my trip to see Emperor, i went through my standard girly beauty things and got my nails done. they put an acrylic overlay on my fingenails which did help them grow but was driving me insane. i had them taken off tonight as i got a great pedicure today. first time i had one from a guy but i HIGHLY recommend them. men just have a different touch when massaging various things. nothing remotely sexual there lol it just is a different feeling.

i just got off the phone with my mother whom you haven't heard much about and i am trying to keep it that way. she was very ill last year but has made mostly a full recovery. however, all the childish traits she had before are now ten times worse and she seems incapable of doing even basic things for or by herself. she just called because she is throwing yet another tantrum about when she can move in with me and i had to tell her NO she could not move in with me in the next two days. and no i wasn't checking on how much a ticket would be. she wants to act an ass do it on her time and leave me the the fuck alone. i know that sounds harsh and a wee bit uncaring but my mother still has doctor's appointments and checkups she just wants to skip because she's mad at someone else. that's too damn bad and i'm tired of it. she's being doing this since she was released from the hospital in december and honestly i just can't deal with it right now.

i am tired of petty people in all their shapes and sizes and incarnations. add to that pile the people that are basically fake and tiresome and ignorant and who are contrary just to be contrary. my body is getting weary from toting other people's baggage and even considering changing who i am to please them. thankfully that thought left my mind quickly.

i would much rather be curled up in whatever costume Emperor thought fitting for the evening and tending to Him. then whatever exhaustion i'm feeling i know would have been rewarded even if it was just His face relaxing as He drifted off to sleep or He decided i had behaved well enough to get another spanking (oh lovely thoughts lovely thoughts).

forgive me if i brought anyone down, i just needed to get that off of my chest. i might even turn in excessively early tonight and sleep off the drama that is my monday and relax into restful dreams of Emperor.


ps if anyone sees searabbit wish her well, her blog was gone again today.


driving slow on sunday morning.......

Sunday, October 30, 2005 7 comments
okay i haven't left my bedroom so i definitely haven't been driving anywhere BUT the maroon 5 song just popped in my head as i begun phase two of blogging this morning. so now you know all about my fascination with anne rice and akasha and what i would have been on halloween had i stayed in track shape lol.

but i was thinking of two things during that post that made sense to me but would have been all out of the context of my costume choices. in a bizarre way akasha was the perfect sub ROFL. i know she tried to kill everyone and was the strongest of them all but when her husband could no longer function she took her place at his side as a marble statue and stayed that way until she happened upon lestat. she moved briefly when he discovered her with her husband and then he awoke her and she made her way to him. she made him so much more than he ever could have been by giving her strength to him. had he not betrayed her and helped murder her, and well had she not been a complete loon, she would have been his wife/protector/plaything etc. so i may be reaching there but that popped in my head.

the other thing that came to mind is have i done something or nothing that could encouage Emperor's current mood of quiet calm? i haven't chased after Him but neither have i completely ignored Him. i haven't said You are pissing me off but i haven't made much of a squeak about my missing Him either. could i really just accept that whatever is going on with Him has nothing to do with me but i am just in the wake of His own needs and wants? i always try to recall the world is bigger than me and sometimes someone's reaction to me may have little of nothing to do with ME per se. but on ocassion, like now, i feel as though i might have disappointed Him and He is just trying to figure out how to tell me. regardless of what it is, i have to do better. i have to keep tending to the rest of my life and know that when He is ready He will reach out to me again. i hope it's soon so you all can see the insanely perky pet He has created when i am under His gaze and attention. lol have a good day ladies and gents.

ETA: i just heard from Emperor, He was in an accident this weekend. He told me that i was being a good pet essentially even though He may not tell me enough. so i can relax into comfort of tending to Him however i can long distance. le sigh.


in honor of halloween

i will ramble a wee bit so bear with me. first things first, i took a quiz to see what the quizilla powers that be thought my costume would be and this is what i got:

Your costume is something dark and sexy!

What Should Your Halloween Costume Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

nothing terribly wrong with it but it's not necessarily what i was imagining. as a matter of fact i woke up to see one of my favorite and somewhat twisted movies on tv this morning. now if i was EVER to get myself in HS shape again then i would be this on the very next halloween:

i have been fascinated with anne rice's version of vampires for a long stretch lol. i have liked things that were alternative for as long as i can remember which may be why vampires even pop on my radar. they live forever, they sleep all day well yeah there is that whole blood thing but save that they seemed flawed and misunderstood and thus very intriguing to me. while akasha is completely insane by the time she is introduced to the vampire chronicles she was one of the single most pivotal characters in the series to me. without her there would have never been a brat prince and thus there would have never been their interaction which made him entirely too strong and able to have a series of adventures post akasha that he would have never been able to get into. most notably the whole memnoch the devil storyline but that is neither here nor there. aaliyah's portrayal of the doomed queen was stunning even though she wasn't on screen nearly enough. that was my central complaint about Queen of the Damned. in that it was really most of story from The Vampire Lestat and left you with only a minor piece of the Queen of the Damned story line which was unfortunate as akasha's death scene there was MUCH more intense and it made more sense without all the forced dialogue from the other characters.

i've rambled all the way down here to basically say akasha and lestat in the movie were excellent casting choices. set against the music from jonathan davis and it was sensual in the way the novels are supposed to be. no overt sexuality just interaction between simultaneoulsy asexual and hypersexual beings. while i loved brad pitt, Interview with a Vampire on screen did nothing for me primarily because of lestat (tom cruise). i left Queen of the Damned upset that no one would be home waiting for me to sate myself with. i bought the soundtrack because while i noted that stuart townsend was a lovely specimen it was mainly the music that set the tone many a woman in the theater left with. i saw it twice with different girlfriends and both were a little umm hyper after it was over. one rushed home to her husband and the other came to my place and we got drunk lol. so yeah if my tummy is EVER flat again i'll be looking for some chain metal or a breast plate to cover the girls and i'll be swirling my hips all akasha like.


nearly took the day off

Saturday, October 29, 2005 3 comments
i almost didn't write anything today. i had gone to a meeting early in the day and came home very very tired. i tried to nap but people kept calling. so i woke up and got some ice cream then did my roaming of the internet. i am doing relatively well but i think i'm in a bit of a funk. i had a great morning actually. got reconnected to members of one of my organizations and that was a good feeling overall. i heard from an old friend and that was nice. he entertains me greatly i swear. and all the communication and connection is good for someone that has high relational needs but it's not the person i wanted to be speaking to so it wasn't as sastfying as it could have been.

i know that's unfair to the people that reached out to me and entertained me this afternoon but yeah i would much rather be curled up with Him. but i don't know what He's doing or why i haven't heard from Him either. i know He said He was taking a net hiatus but the phone works nicely. i'm just a little lonely sub right now lol. things will be better soon i'm sure. let me go back to roaming now.bh


maybe another quickie

Friday, October 28, 2005 3 comments
there is something in the sub collective mind that is making us all simultaneously insecure lol. of course i am joking but it has been amazing how the subs i speak to via the blog world are all in a state of emotional flux. are we doing enough? is His momentary distraction because i am somehow less than He would desire or is He bored with me or is He bored with our lifestyle? we have no reason to truly doubt these men we have chosen to submit to but the trickle continues through us.

it may have just infected us all as we read but the feeling is there just the same. i miss my Emperor and i won't elaborate on that because i have before on numerous posts before this one. i try to keep my own counsel and operate on the loose guidelines He gave me but i really know i want more than that right now. there are other more available men but they don't see the world in the same screwed up way i do which is a bit of a problem because i am a wee bit twisted. while i couldn't sit down for a week, had Emperor not spanked me so i would have been disappointed. allowing the limit to be pushed was my gift to Him. never asking Him to stop was my attempt to be the pet i knew He wanted me to be. when the tears came, and they most definitely came, i let them flow because i knew He enjoyed them plus let's face it my ass was on FIRE. His concern for me afterwards, His caring for His bruised pet and Him were all i needed. the flood of orgasms didn't hurt things either.

i have to keep adjusting myself to the feelings invoked by seperation. i know He cares about me and wants me to remain by His side. i know that He enjoys my company and the attention that i lavish on Him. i know He appreciated the fact that i didn't blink hard when He told me that He had gone easy on me that day but the next time He would take things up a notch. i know that it was His concern that made Him offer me a safe word and it was with a small smile that i told Him i would never use it so it may not be worth the effort. truthfully, i was just pleased He wanted to continue to use me and that i had enough sense to bring the ibuprofen 800s with me lol.

so while the collective sub mind is conflustered (no i didn't make it up but i have seen it enough to just giggle now) we will all remember why we serve soon enough. we will all remember what makes us a little different than the woman shopping next to us at the grocery store or the one on the flight next to us telling us about her impending tryst with her lover or the woman shopping at the toy store who is just looking for something to spice up the bedroom this weekend. we are a different breed and even in our moments of angst we usually only suffer because we want to be doing more than we are for the men that have made us feel real and whole. so to my Emperor, whenever You get to this post know that my loyalty to You is total. my insecurities are nothing more than misdirected emotions. i trust You and know that what You have set for us is truly best for us and yes i love You.

always Your pet,


just a quickie

thanks to my morning blog hopping i found this quiz when i was roaming Twice as Bright

Slave: You are extremely devoted and take your job
as a slave very seriously. Though you realize
that there are some areas where you maintain
your autonomy, you try very hard to say attuned
to your partners every need and allow him (her)
to provide for you whatever is deemed best.
You work hard to maintain a submissive posture
in all that you do together.

How slavishly devoted are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Submissive -- The one with the real power in the
play, you like to get down on all fours or get
tied 'till you turn purple, but you won't
hesitate to use the safe word if things start
to get out of hand. Pretend all you want,
you're the master here.

What BDSM type are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

red angel
Red Angel, you are.

Love and War:
Red is hot. It's a strong color that conjures up a
range of seemingly conflicting emotions from
passionate love to violence and warfare. Red is
Cupid and the Devil.

Nature of Red:
A stimulant, red is the hottest of the warm colors.
Studies show that red can have a physical
effect, increasing the rate of respiration and
raising blood pressure. The expression seeing
red indicates anger and may stem not only from
the stimulus of the color but from the natural
flush (redness) of the cheeks, a physical
reaction to anger, increased blood pressure, or
physical exertion.

Culture of Red:
Red is power, hence the red power tie for business.
In some cultures, red denotes purity, joy, and
celebration. Red is the color of happiness and
prosperity in China and may be used to attract
good luck.

Using Red:
Use the color red to grab attention and to get
people to take action. Use red when you don't
want to sink into the background. Use red to
suggest speed combined with confidence and
perhaps even a dash of danger. A little bit of
red goes a long way. Small doses can often be
more effective than large amounts of this
strong color. Multiple shades of red and even
pink or orange can combine for a cheerful

What Type of Angel are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


i love the number 69 but we have to take it the rope's 70th post

Thursday, October 27, 2005 7 comments
okay i've been a blogging maniac since i got back from seeing Emperor. what i am coming to realize is that i am having a few basic central problems.

  1. the distance from Him is neither enjoyable or desired. on a daily basis i wish that we had met before i started looking for jobs so that i could be with Him this evening and being delightfully pressured under His thumb or watching the stupid game with Him or giving Him some exquisite head so He might listen to the game but He definitely wouldn't SEE that bad boy lol
  2. He distracts me. i can be on this wonderful plan for the day but then i am suddenly and overwhelmingly distracted by thoughts of Him. probably a side effect of the distance but oh it's not pleasant.
  3. i need more reassurance (reassurance n : the act of reassuring; restoring someone's confidence) than i'm getting. if i ask, He quickly and politely tells me that pet you are overreacting darling, if I was unhappy you know I would tell you which is all well and good but clearly something is going on that isn't making me feel safe in that knowledge. that something is typically Him flirting. He's incorrigible and so am i in that respect but i'd never do it if i thought i was making Him uneasy. but i think that is where we differ. He knows i have no desire to roam so any flirting i'm doing is strictly recreational. i don't think He's desiring to roam but my subbie brain often concocts those scenarios if it seems as if He's enjoying His flirting too much.
  4. horror of horrors i think i'm getting jealous. never in life have i been more than momentarily jealous of any woman that any man i'm seeing may interact with. if he wants her so be it has always been my way of thinking. but i don't want Emperor enjoying anyone but me in that way. He's mine damn it go away. i'd never have a tantrum or cause a scene but believe me when i tell you this throws off my balance and belief in my old self ROFLMAO.
  5. i need a word for in between like and love. i haven't had a Clueless crazy buttmunch in love moment but i have to stop kidding myself and downplaying my emotions for fear of getting hurt. i am not in love but i love this man. somewhere deep in me He flipped on that unknown part of who i am and i both need and want Him to keep that piece of me alive and well.

so as i am realizing all of this i also realize that as i have spoke it into the universe i have to be ready for the fall out. loving Emperor can be the most blissful thing ever or it could send me bon a spiral into hell from which i'll be battling out of forever. admitting that i'm human and potentially fragile enough to be hurt by His "indifference" should it come opens me up to all the other things as well: adoration, subjugation, and painful penetrations :-). acknowledging what i need and what i may not be getting may also mean i have to let Emperor travel along His way without me in the end. regardless thank you all for continuing to follow along with me. i appreciate your words and thoughts.

red velvet


what is submission?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 4 comments
i have been wondering that for the last day or so. what does it me for me to submit to Emperor? i'm not a mindless drone of course. i have a fair amount of daily autonomy especially since we are so far apart. i am in His care and under His guidance but i'm not owned as it were yet. what we have at the moment feels a lot like a very structured hierachical long distance relationship which has its perks. but does it mean i have submitted?

on some days, most notably the days when our communication is highest and He has plans for my time, yes i can feel it more tangibly. He is Emperor and i am His pet (it sounds so cute coming out of His mouth but i digress) and all is right with the world. and then there are days when either one or both of us is incredibly busy and when i look up it's nearing midnight and we can barely exchange pleasantries before we go to bed. on those days, i sometimes feel adrift. that often leads to a small tantrum and me feeling not so much like a bad sub but not a sub at all. there was no guidance or instruction, no reaching for His or our goal. and i know the living of the M/s relationship is harder in a different way than the scenes but since i can't prove myself there often then how or when do i know i've done the right thing? and if i haven't then surely i need to be corrected right? i don't know honestly.

reading other blogs sometimes makes me incredibly envious. they have the structure i want and feel i am lacking from time to time. their Doms seem even more sadistic for a lack of a better word than Emperor. short of this aspect of who we are He would still be very important to me but the addition of it made me delightfully happy. it still does more often than not but i guess i'm waiting for the moment when i feel like my submission is whole and complete. that moment that even when i am terrified of the task or the event that my trust in Him is so absolute that i do it both without hesistation and to make Him proud. i'm waffling a bit emotionally today so forgive me if i have depressed anyone. i just miss my Emperor.


prayers answered?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 3 comments
so it's noon and i should be eating but of course i get to go home shortly after my next appointment so i figured it would wait. i'm thoroughly enjoying myself today. instead of thinking of a reason not to wear them i slipped on my black skirt with the grown up slit on the side, some sheer black hose, my three inch black heels and topped it off with a nice burgandy sweater with a cowl neck. had i really been thinking i would have grabbed the silver hoops and set it off with my ever present silver chain. instead, i put on my deep red leather coat and strolled on into the office. so far people want to steal my shoes and think i'm seriously cute lol. i curled my hair today too which just seemed to make me feel better.

and why, pray tell, should i need to feel better? the previously mentioned trolls that darken my doorstep did so again last night which wasn't major but the differences in our relational needs because more apparent again last night. Emperor is quite happy if we talk every few days and He knows that i am well because i blog or email or something. when i am incredibly busy that works but when i have downtime, real or acquired by procrastination, it makes me want to talk to Him since we can't see each other often. yes i know it's not necessarily fair to Him because i knew that going into things but it doesn't make me not want to talk to Him. on nights like that, there have been enough at this point lol, i have to do a prayer checklist. i'm not super religious but sometimes the praying gets the thoughts out better. and after talking to my girlfriend before bed i'm quite positive it was necessary for me to pray before closing my eyes.

i adore Emperor (yes i know you've heard this already) but every so often i get desperately afraid that some woman constantly in three inch heels with flowing hair and who by all accounts is insanely gorgeous and well read will show her subbie butt up on His doorstep and replace me. He's never given me any reason to think this and in fact goes above and beyond to tell me that He adores me as well but the thought is still there. don't get me wrong, i think i'm a cutie pie lol, but cutie pie is a long stretch from insanely beautiful. and i know realitically the chances of the aforementioned woman existing let along crossing Emperor's path may be slim to none but the chance scares me. so i prayed about that and what it was i wanted and who it was that God deemed to be with me. usually that solicits an unexpected call from Emperor--unless He's got a direct line to God I took that as a sign when it occured. on the rare nights the phone doesn't ring i dream about Emperor and i'm happy so i take that as a less obvious sign that maybe it's not time to step out of the heels yet (by the way being 5'6 kinda rocks but woo i'm clumsy in heels lol). when i woke up this morning there had been no call and for a brief moment i couldn't remember the dream so i have to admit that i started to pout. but then as if on cheesy cue it all came rushing back to me. bound and gagged with Emperor by my side fucking me ever so slowly and smacking my completely sore bottom before well let me stop there before i need to handle something in the bathroom.

several months ago i prayed and let God know i was ready in case He was somehow occupied with something else. within a month i met Emperor. i have talked to God since then and while i'm not quite sure our display of affection is one God intended lol i have to thank Him for sending Emperor to me. the differences periodically annoy the hell out of both of us but everytime i hear the phone start playing jigga (don't ask lol) or Emperor joins me in a dream i am nothing but positive that God got it right. so yeah i'm a cornball and i'm going to try not to kill myself on the way to the car but i am still quite happy.


what i am is what i am

Monday, October 24, 2005 1 comment
it's late and i'll be getting in bed soon. i'm blogging because Emperor is coming off of His endorphin rush after the Sox latest victory. He has done absolutely nothing to make me pout this evening but i am pouting still. i'm not sure when He will be visiting now which was not necessarily good news. i mean my schedule is as hectic as His but curling up with Him to snore off together would have been wonderful. He is quite pleased with me this evening--i did exactly what He wanted apparently but it feels a little hollow because there is no hand to brush my cheek. i adore the "darling pet"s but hearing Him say that shortly after He slips on my blindfold or mask is so much more satisfying. ahh maybe i'm just horny and the lack of His physical presence is what is bothering me at the moment. it's only been a week but i miss Him more than i anticipated apparently. and after all the drama with clearly not the right man, i think it just deepened my appreciation for Emperor. ahh well i do feel better now, i am not sure why i always struggle to just accept what i'm feeling as it comes. i need to be closer to Him, both physically and emotionally. i want the tingle down my spine to continue everytime He speaks my name. i want to be able to speak the words to Him without blushing myself out of them. i adore Him, ahh i do.


who's that girl?

Sunday, October 23, 2005 1 comment
i have to wonder that sometimes as i am dealing with men who do not seem to grasp who i am and what i want. i spent the better part of four hours last night trying to explain to someone (for the third or fourth time) why we weren't going to work out. the biggest reasons why i pulled away, and thought i was doing the polite thing at that, was he couldn't handle my being more sexually experienced than him and because i knew after a few months there was no way i could ever willingly submit to him. he went through massive changes trying to explain to me why i never gave him a fair shot and punished him for being honest with me. i didn't give him a chance to grow as a Dom with me he's right but that's because i don't want him to grow WITH me. i knew then and still am convinced now that someone inexperienced would be overwhelmed by my periodic brat moments. not to mention it always felt like i was Domme'ing him by the end of our conversations. for the nanoseconds i considered i might be a switch those conversations let me know that i was wrong. it felt uncomfortable and that i was expending way too much energy to ultimately get him to take control.

whereas when i met Emperor, which they really happened a few months apart so i have a reasonable recollection of the differences, the conversations and tone were different. yes we bantered back and forth until we broached D/s and then He quite quickly assumed control of me and the direction we were intially going to head. He was honest that we would have to take things slowly and make sure we'd be able to give the other what we wanted but He was happy to find me and happier that i wanted Him to train me. when we finally met it was like everything that i wanted to come to pass finally clicked into place. we parted company a wee bit upset but dedicated to making things stronger between us. and while we have had some big glitches in communication we are both willing to give each other space and time to work on things. no intimidation about sexual abilities or desires. no real doubt that what we both want is a D/s relationship. my submissive nature has never been viewed as weak or as less than a woman. the other person may learn that but i do not want to be a victim of his learning curve. he can study up all he likes but Emperor is my only Dom. period. KTHXBUHBYE!


the one true thing

Saturday, October 22, 2005 No comments
the one thing that i have learned about myself over the last few months is that i have always been this person, this submissive/slave. Emperor often calls me a textbook submissive because from 8 to 5 i may be one of the most in control women you will ever meet. people seek out my advice and my assistance. people respect my opinion and know that if they request something from me it will often be done without delay and done well. however, that is exhausting and it always has been. i was the child that took care of my family even when i knew i was tired and needed someone to take care of me. i was the girlfriend that went above and beyond in order to keep a stupidly happy smile on face of the man in life. he might take advantage and when my spirit was weak i'd depart but while i was there he didn't want for anything. it made me a SUPERBLY flexible and openminded sexual playmate. i joke that i know tricks with balls and balloons because i cannot rid myself of my ex's once they have sampled the goodies and the lengths i will go to in order to be remembered ha ha.

but now the biggest thing to note is that while it has been dormant and ignored for months, years even, this growth into His pet is just me coming back home to myself. being slightly disappointed that my behind is all brown again and there are no visible reminders of our time together is just a more concrete manifestation of my desire to be His. hearing His voice call me His darling pet and getting a chill both from pride and from being owned, being His, gives me peace that this is where i belong. that no matter what someone else may think about it or about us, that i know my place is with Him (or heaven forbid someone like Him if He ever decides to let me go) and this lifestyle is the only thing that will make me blissful. now i guess i have to just prepare myself for the next encounter when He may be less inclined to take a break and won't have as many distractions. ahhh won't that be lovely?


useless information the revival

You are Carrie.
Congratulations! You are Carrie.

Which Sex and the City Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You scored as Marius. You are the quiet cool. You are so mellow people are lulled into a false sense of security. When you are pissed god help anyone who crosses you?













Deacon Frost








Whose your Vampire personality? (images)
created with QuizFarm.com

The Justice Card
You are the Justice card. Justice preserves the
harmony of the world. Working with opposite
forces, Justice does not seek to criticize or
condemn but rather to accept. The idea behind
the card justice is that opposite forces are
complementary; you could not have good without
evil or light without darkness. Justice's
position is to make sure that if a thing is out
of balance, the weight of its energy is
realigned with its opposite force. This card is
also a card of humour, for it is in pointing
out contrary positions that humour is often
found. The attitude that is found in the
humourous person, being able to shift
perspective and flow with an instinct, is
important in the maintenance of good balance.
Image from The Blue Moon Tarot Deck.

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

this may be edited as i find other silly quizzes to add to this


communication is GREAT, but good lawd i'm in pain

Friday, October 21, 2005 1 comment
okay the two have nothing to do with one another. that accursed affliction that visits me monthly has descended on me with a vengence and really i don't like it. i'm not in constant pain but when it hits i just want to slap people around and things. i came in to see clients this afternoon and one had a flat and the next one has decided to no show. i miss my bed for aggravation. if i didn't know my 4 would should i was just leave now, pick up supplies and call it a night. speaking of which i need to start taking my multivitamins again to stave off these bouts of anemia that hit with this. which begs the question pizza or chicken cause i aint leaving this weekend period lol. ah well i'll decide on the way home.

as for the communication, Emperor and i have been doing the type of chatting that made me all misty eyed in the first place. perfectly timed conversations and terms of endearment have me literally floating when i'm not in the midst of a painful crunch up. i've been very honest about what i need and want from Him and He has responded well if not better than expected. i crave Him in a way that i haven't for a long time and knowing that (meaning i have to be told from time to time, simple knowledge is not always enough) He feels the same way delights me to no end. remembering how He basically went from having an innocent conversation on baseball to binding me, gagging me and putting me in the most delicious of hogties in a matter of moments gives me the warm fuzzies lol.

i know i wasn't like that more than a hour but as my brain drifted off and my body was a mix of pain (my ass is still bruised by the way lol and if you knew how dark my skin is that is saying a whole lot) and absolute pleasure it felt much longer. at some point He also pulled out a mask, which terrified me i must admit, and cut off my ability to see what was coming. my ears did perk up but there was no way to prepare for what was coming next which i have to say sent me over the edge and left me a wet puddle. by the time He untied me and finished me off i was happily floating in space . i know we talked after that but about what i cannot tell you. i know that He was pleased and fell to the bed sated. i know that i felt an intense amount of pride that i had made Him happy. we of course had the glitches that you are all aware of a few days later but they have amounted to a small bump at this point. i am His and i am happy.


i had a cute title for this but i forgot

Thursday, October 20, 2005 2 comments
that happens sometimes when i am doing twelve things in my mind at once but only one or two gets done. anyway this entry may be lengthy so if you don't have time to peruse it i suggest skipping down to the much more terse posts below it.
adding this snippet from a message board i'm on that just posted a topic i think is relavent to me and my issues:

For the submissive or slave, what is it you need from your Dominant?
it's amazing how we see things right when we are meant to. i've been debating this as of late for myself so that i can quit tormenting Him with incessant questions that He really has no idea how to answer. the most basic response i could give is that i need structure right now. i'm still incredibly new to all of this but it feels like i've finally found my center so i'm also dedicated to learning and being a better sub/slave to Him. because we aren't in the same city it does make things a little more difficult, especially since He's used to having someone nearby, but i need to feel His guidance more than i do at the moment. as i tend to overthink things when i have too many options it would greatly help me out to have His plans for us clearer in my mind so i can be working toward that as i learn more about who i am as a sub. i've rambled on basically to repeat that i need a more rigorous structure from Him.

to start with, i revisited the sex and the city quiz and yes i'm still carrie. having dealt with Emperor a little more since then i'm slightly more convinced that yep He could be my Big. i was hurt, hell i was devestated, by what i thought He had done several days ago. last night though, i was happy, complacent and territorial because i didn't want anyone near my Emperor. ok i know that's not rational and i'm sure you are wondering what the correlation is, well here it is: i still refuse to say i'm in love with Him but i do LOVE Him. that's why i was so hurt. felt like i had fallen and bumped my damn head again. i can refuse to be IN love with Him because honestly we don't know enough about one another to say that love is longterm. however His persona resonates with me and makes me happy. i love that feeling so maybe if i don't love Him i can honestly say that i love the way He makes me feel. and if carrie can wait (well sorta she was constantly dating) for Big then i can definitely give Emperor either time to make me blissfully happy chained to Him or to piss me off so severely that my only other alternatives are to lock Him in the trunk of my car and drive off a bridge. ok i'm so playing, i am not going to jail PERIOD. moving on.

okay the list has obviously returned. maybe i'll do a monthly review of it to see if anything in particular needs to be updated or erased and see if Emperor still fits. changes this time will be in another text color. some may appear to overlap a bit but it's how it's coming out of my brain right now.

  • i would like someone who is open and willing to train me to their SPECIFIC needs: eliminates confusion for me and makes me happy to please them (ADDENDUM--i've come to realize my happiness to serve is always present, i do believe that my need for training has intensified though and i don't think that will fade soon) not a whole to change here, it would be easier to be trained if we were closer to one another but i think we'll be visiting more frequently now so that will definitely HELP things out immensely
  • i would like someone who is quite aware of my newness but still ready to make me the best sub i can be (ADDENDUM--inconsistency makes me uneasy, i don't like it)
  • i would like someone that sees the longterm potential in this lifestyle and wants to engage in it
  • i would like someone who despite my newness has such a sadistic streak that being aware of my limits only excites in Him a need to shove me beyond them moaning and screaming (hasn't really changed i just LIKE that statement lol)
  • i would like to spend days or weeks or forever being spanked, choked, tied up and humbled by my Master
  • i would like to be in constant service to my Master
  • i would eventually like to be the alpha/collered sub in my Master's domain: i'm always willing to share as long as i'm remotely secure in my position in His life (ADDENDUM--my preference is to be the only one but Master's wants are paramount so whatever He desires is what is most important as long as i can handle them)
  • i have come to understand that in a lot of ways i am like a newborn with regards to my scope of knowledge and desire for intensified instruction from my Master. to that end i know that i highly NEED some sort of constant presence and structure from Him. i need to know there are things He is molding me to do that will better serve Him and that He is committed to making that training both a humbling and rewarding experience.

now wasn't that basic and simple? here's what for the moment i know i don't want.

  • someone that is just toying around in the lifestyle
  • someone who will not consistently discipline me i think i said a few posts back i have the potential to be a brat, that does need to be checked from time to time
  • someone who will not appreciate the gift of submission
  • someone not confident in their leadership
  • someone who is not interested in a longterm arrangement (longterm of course being negotiable)
  • someone who does not share with me what i can do in order to better serve Him (addendum)

so now you've made it all the way down here. let me know if you have any feedback, i'd appreciate it actually.

--red velvet


lucky me the aftermath :-)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 1 comment
okay so yesterday's post ended with me a little frustrated. well that's an understatement now isn't it lol? anyway, as i believe i have said here before He frustrates me. sometimes it seems that He delights in the frustration because He knows He has the power to effect me so. HOWEVER, my anger was real and palpable last night when we finally sat down to talk. it's amazing how quickly it dissipated all things considered. He said His piece and i said mine and while neither side admitted defeat as it were, we came to a workable truce. He knew i was upset and He knew why, He didn't understand it because His nature is to use bits and pieces of scattered conversations to spur topics elsewhere. however, my feelings of violation had to be acknowledge and atoned for in some small way. i'm not even clear on what He did at this point because it wasn't a command (that wouldn't have worked anyway) or a flat out apology but it was a respecting of the space i needed/wanted in those situations. He was okay with and before too long we were both smiling again. i can't say all is right with the world there are still things we have to deal with but i can unlace the sneakers for a minute and rest.


lucky me

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 No comments
okay do you remember the old alleged good luck chant: find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck? i got out of my car today and say a penny right side up (heads up for those of you that might be wondering). i debated picking it up at all because as i said i'm still quite sore. i figured what the hell, after the funk i was in i needed to have some good luck before this day ended.

i have to be honest with myself and you all. the reason the funk overwhelmed me today is because i saw something Emperor had written that felt like it crushed my chest in. words that i shared with Him last night were on display for derision. granted a select group of folks would be able to see them but they would be able to see them taken out of context and ridicule them at their leisure. and they were having a field day and He was holding court. a piece of me and all that i felt for Him seem to freeze and fall away from me. that was probably more painful than seeing my thoughts out of place.

i told you all before that insecurity breeds discontent. well discontent can bring about a disconnect. for the moment i'm on pause. i left Emperor with high hopes and promises from Him that i was gladly looking forward to. i feel like i'm just waiting on the punchline now because i had to have been the joke. what happens when a silly sub girl falls hard for her sadistic Master? i may be overreacting but i'm tired and confused (SERIOUSLY) and He isn't making things better. at this point i'm not even sure that He could. but lucky me to end my day on this note. damn penny.


where to begin

in general this weekend was great. it was nice to get out of town, enjoy room service, enjoy the company of Emperor and all that meant. i'd get into a detailed scene report right now but my ass is still hurting and parts of me are sore that haven't been sore in a minute. i came back with some things to think about as well. about the M/s piece of who i am. about Emperor and about what i want to be in the future. while being with Him was lovely i think i left more confused than anything. while we totally connect on one level, there are bits and pieces where neither of us understands the other one. i'm not sure what that means right now. and i can't really say this isn't just a reaction to an intense experience that i'm trying to process in a rational way that cannot be done in such a fashion. i know that i want this feeling to continue and i'm usually fairly certain i want it to continue with Him but there are are moments of time that it doesn't feel like it will or ever could. i tossed and turned last night much as He had Saturday night with me. i don't know what was on my mind because by the time i fell asleep i was beyond coherent thought. my dreams were a jumble and didn't really make any sense. part of me knows i'm slipping the sneakers back on but i don't know if i can stop myself this time. that makes me very sad.


tomorrow, tomorrow i love ya tomorrow it's only a day away part 2

Saturday, October 15, 2005 1 comment
okay so it's 11 now. work was okay but i was happy to get home. i actually thought of something else i need to do which i may go do in about 10 minutes. everything is washed and ready to be packed into a waiting suitcase. i have most of the incidentals ready to be packed away into my carry on bag. those that aren't already centrally located are near it and should be ready to go. i'll get up around 8:30 and get everything together. i'll leave about 10 or 10:30 and head for the airport. i've been putting music on my laptop to enertain us both. we'll see how well i did in a few hours. i'll probably not be back on until late Monday and then i might just be going to sleep. behave boys and girls



tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow it's only a day away part 1

Friday, October 14, 2005 No comments
okay yeah that was super corny but i'm tired and people are working my nerves. if you've been keeping up the women i spoke of before are becoming even more annoying and oppresive but in about 24 hours exactly i won't care. i'll be speeding down the highway to the airport and checking in for my flight. i'll be reclining in a chair and maybe doing some work before the flight takes off. if i'm really adventurous i might do some on the plane but 28 hours from now i'll be deplaning and letting my subconscious (interesting word all things considered lol SUBconscious) take over and guide my steps. i'll see my Emperor somewhere around baggage claim and from that point on i'll disappear for a few days sure to be bound and gagged and happy and safe.

the last of my errands was completed quickly yesterday. i ran to the closest lingerie store and got two items He requested but had to ask where they were because they weren't out with the main selections. i went home last night and washed everything that i might want to pack and it's all waiting to be carefully placed in a suitcase and carry on bag. i'm a little worried about what might happen to my cuffs if i check them but i'll just have to pray about it and hope it goes well. i've carried handcuffs on the plane before but this was pre 9/11 and i'm not sure it would go over so well now. anyhoo i'll check maybe at the airport, what's the worst they could say is ummm this short Black woman tried to take some bdsm gear on the flight??? i may make a new friend ROFLMAO.

oh well enough for now, work will be getting hectic soon, we had another student death on campus and i have to be ready for the fallout.


three days and you got it counting

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 2 comments
ahhh well petty is as petty does so that drama continues but my life is good. i got off work early enough to get to the auto dealership this afternoon. my car has been tempermental and while i would stop buy to get it checked since it wasn't making the noise/having the issue at THAT moment they wouldn't even take it. today someone was nice enough to ride with me for about 15 minutes and about 7 minutes in the car had a tantrum that lasted till we got BACK to the shop. maybe 30 minutes later my precious baby was repaired and should be okay again. i love my warranty i tell ya it is simply wonderful.

as for Emperor, because i ran to the dealership i wasn't able to tend to an assignment He gave me. well i did and didn't. i contacted someone that probably has what i want but is about 25 miles from me each way. if she can fedex it to me so i get it by friday evening or saturday morning EARLY then it will be fine. if not then i guess i have to go to the unknown store and then and pray its there. if not its off to teeny tiny town to get the last item on my list and its off to see my precious precious Emperor. life is good i swear. life is really good. now can everyone do me a favor. click the link below so my potato can travel all over the world.

Pass the Potato


four days and counting

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 No comments
it's been an interesting few days. yesterday was HORRIBLE. i was tired. i saw six clients and had a meeting before i went to do a two hour presentation. by the end of the day all i wanted was some dinner and to curl up and talk to Emperor. ahh well slight glitch. He's otherwise preoccupied and busy and not really trying to tend to His tired pet. i was able to vent to my girlfriends and i ended up feeling better. Emperor was in the room (chat room that is) and slightly miffed at me but i didn't find out till this morning. He wasn't terribly upset, it just gave Him another reason to punish me. And i can admit i've been a bit of a brat lately because i'm so stressed and because of folks i don't like lol. but as today was better, not so many clients and i got to come home early, i'll gladly take my punishment after all if He's spanking me then i have to be WITH Him and i can't think of anything else that would make me happier. bye bye for now.



six days and counting

Sunday, October 09, 2005 2 comments
i finally got back to work on my dissertation. the first three chapters have hopefully been rewritten to standard. the next two will be done in the next few days and and then for a few days i'm gonna let my mind go numb. i don't want to think. well at least not too hard. i've been probably a little depressed and obsessed for the last few days. i have had a few primary foci, dissertation and Emperor, Emperor and dissertation, and every now and then i let myself sleep. i haven't been particularly depressed about Emperor or even the dissertation. the people on the periphery of my life have proven to be the least beneficial to it.

we are bound by an affiliation but save that we have little in common or to share with one another. at one point in time we did but at present we are at best civil and are at worst starting to fester a unique contempt for one another. on top of the weeks of other mess this has not been needed or desired. that people would once again be a distraction instead of a benefit in my life has thrown me momentarily for a loop. i say it's momentary because i've been down this road before and it's always been with women. men and i have an understanding. we can agree to disagree and move on. if no such agreement can be reached we part company neither the worse for wear. me and women however, we repeatedly butt heads and i can admit sometimes i do things because i know it will annoy someone. but generally speaking i can leave a discussion and no longer entertain it which has caused decidely annoyed reactions in those that i do it to. they rant, rave, scream, bitch and moan and i am silent. it's not as if we know one another personally and that not having htem in my life will cause it to be damaged irrevocably but i seem to create intense feelings in people lol. c'est la vie. in six days none of this will matter.

in six days i'll be cuffed to Emperor being sent over the edge into some submissive blissful state. in six days i'll be back with the person that understands me in ways i don't yet understand myself. we'll be whispering secrets to one another and hoping that no one knocks on a door, rings a phone or disturbs us in any other fashion. life is complicated, seeing Him won't necessarily change that, but in six days for at least those few hours we have alone together my foci will be reduced to a focus and that will be on making sure Emperor has an intense reaction to me that we both enjoy.


you better run for it, run for it, run!

Friday, October 07, 2005 2 comments
12:31 PM
okay well that was corny, but i have a lot of old rap songs in my head right now and that is the hook to one of them. but it does highlight a larger issue for me. i'm been very anxious lately. partly because well i've just been under way more stress than a human should be under for a week. and then partly because i'm getting ready to see Emperor again. the preparations are complete yes i know that but we are taking the next step in our D/s(M/s) relationship and at least for me there is no turning back away from this. He's becoming somewhat more forceful in our interactions as of late. it's made me a little off center but i've been delighting in the fact that He wants to keep me safely tucked near Him. well that is until i momentarily give in to my "what ifs" which as a therapist i KNOW is unhealthy and KNOW isn't productive if i really want there to be an U/us. part of me could do what my girlfriends fear, pack up everything and move to be with Him, happily and willingly right now. the scared part of me, because i can admit that fear is driving this enterprise, wants to run from it, from Him, back to where it's nice and routine and the risk of me getting hurt is minimal. don't get me wrong i don't think He'll intentionally hurt me but when i give myself to someone he gets it all lock, stock and barrel. and let's face it, i've NEVER given someone what i want Him to have of me. it wasn't safe to let that other side of me into anyone else's keeping because really they didn't understand the gift. i hope and believe that He does. of course only time will tell but i figure if i keep wearing three inch heels instead of sneakers i won't be able to run farther than He could catch me or my leash would allow. hmm the thought of a collar and leash never seemed more appealing than right at this moment lol. oh well i guess this means i'm ready to get caught and stop running. i just hope He will burn the sneakers and understand why i go looking for them from time to time anyway.

10:32 PM
you know the sense of release you feel when a phase of your life has come full circle and you both appreciate and accept it? that's what i'm feeling right now. this has nothing to do with Emperor, well not directly. i realized tonight that there are people and things that have taken too much of my energy for too long. i am not who they want me to be nor will i make an attempt to be that person. as is always the case with me and groups of women, assumptions are made and my character is attacked when i speak and especially when i don't. my life is full without these women and i'm noticeably happier when i don't interact with them. and i've been putting others in a tenuous position because they haven't reached my persona non gratis statge nor are they in any rush to become that. i hadn't been enjoying myself in that venue for a while. might as well pack in now while i am still remotely respecting most of the people there. i may visit from time to time but it will never be somewhere that i spend a lot of time at anymore. my life is moving forward and in a different direction again. i'll strap on the spare sneakers for a minute and then give them to Emperor so they can be torched.


i started to post something else but

Thursday, October 06, 2005 2 comments
my mind is really scattered and truthfully the drivel that was coming up wasn't even up to my whinging standards. i am happy and tired and behind on a project that i was ahead on. i miss my Emperor even though bright and earlier this morning i got a text from Him. i just wanna be back with Him where i can feel safe and loved and adored and admired all because i'm His pet. it's only 9 more days but it feels like time is ticking by VERY slowly these last few days. everything is ready for the trip though. no more shopping, no more searching, just one day of preparation (this saturday) and then a week to be nervous and excited and blissfully in lust before i'm with Him again.


insecurity, incapable, in need of.....

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 1 comment
okay i hope this is brief. i know i've probably mentioned this before but being this vulnerable to someone i care about makes me insecure from time to time. i used to bug the hell out of sidra about this. what if He finds someone to replace me? what do i do with all of this that i'm feeling then? the truth of the matter is i don't know. i'm sure in a few days, few hours maybe, i'll share with Him what my knowledge of Him can spark in me. how the "harmless flirting" stings a little even though i know in my brain that most of them would run quickly away if got a whiff of His true nature. the fact is i don't want to share Him. i will if forced to but just like He doesn't want me with anyone else, i don't want to have to curl up on His right side because someone new is on His left.

being insecure makes it difficult for me to function properly for Him. i'm nervous about things i shouldn't be and i'm probably ignoring things i should be because i'm worried about my place with Him. shortly i'll be with Him and He'll be connected to me in that way only He can be but i need something from Him now and i'm not sure i even know what that is. i just miss Him and His affection.


the ex-factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

the song lyrics up to the right described my mindset perfectly about six hours ago. i almost wrote an entry then in a fit of anger. more than anger, i was truly frustrated and honestly i know anger fades but frustration is always palpable on some level. so here it was again that it was the middle of the night, i surely should have been asleep but my Master was up and to some degree i was entertaining Him. however, He was mostly entertaining Himself and would leave me sitting like a scolded child for very long moments. i wasn't being punished and i wasn't lashing out, i just was there feeling like an ornament in His life. i'm sure if i ever asked Him about moments like those He'll have experienced them totally differently which is His right. but it's my experience of them that leads me to write this now. it hurts me to be under His gaze but not on His mind. as my sole motivation is to make sure He's smiling when i'm not given an opportunity to make that be the case i don't feel useful to Him. not that my usefulness should be tied to my desirability at all but that's what ends up happening. if i'm not going to be used, what am i there for? but i digress because in a few hours i'm sure i'll feel like He's the greatest thing in the world again. i just wishthe icky feeling wouldn't get so intense but amazingly it's fading faster each time it comes and mostly with a thought from my brain to be still. i am still His and nothing can change that.
the plans for the trip are almost complete. i need to go on a minor shopping excursion but then i'll be safely ensconced within four walls with Emperor. it will be truly delightful except i've been ordered to read Him these entries then. i'm not sure how He'll react to some of them and while that makes me slightly nervous, all in all i think He needs to know these things He creates in me. dontcha think?
enough for now,
red v


shock and awe then simple adoration

Sunday, October 02, 2005 1 comment
for the first time in a minute i was jarred out of my happy sub state by an external source. i mean i do it to myself wondering if things are too good to be true or if i'm deluding myself by thinking Emperor really cares about me but i haven't been doing that lately either. well if the last two or three days can be considered lately lol. anyway back on tangent. i am online, had changed my yahoo messenger status message to something loosely translated into i love the way daddy spanks it (by the way if anyone can do a better french translation let me know). i get an accusatory im from an old friend: "so you have a new daddy?"

now this wouldn't have mattered to me if it hadn't been anyone else. it bothered me because it was him and i knew the conversation wasn't going to go well and true to form it didn't. he was cordial for a brief moment before attacking me for not thinking i had a viable dating pool during the time we originally knew each other. and for all of two weeks when i met him he seemed like a good option. then he said words i've never heard come out of a man's mouth, "i'm sexually intimidated by you." what in the world? i excited and repulsed him simultaneously. my sexuality intrigued him but the belief that he couldn't live up to my "standards" made him nervous around me. ok so that got old fast of course. and after he said something immensely insulting about me basically being a heathen who was being blessed while he was being holy and struggling any emotional entanglement i was pondering ended. he kept pushing, i told him directly that i couldn't see a future for us especially since i had begun communicating with Emperor who was reawakening my latent submissive tendencies.

i even told mr. clueless that was why i couldn't see a future for us. i need a Dom, one who i have a healthy respect for, that makes me tingle at the thought of Him, that appreciates every aspect of me and who could never be as dense as mr. clueless. he's kept record of everytime i've slighted him and brings it up on nights like tonight. saying i'm just not vibing with you doesn't register and telling him about Emperor would cause a holy war of which you'd never hear the end of so i finally apologized for whatever trespass i had now committed and was glad when he signed off. i was feeling funky then though. my day had gone relatively well then bullshyt from the cheap seats. and as if i willed Him online, Emperor was there and talking to me.

Him: I'm at this lame ass set.
me: lol
Him: This shit is awful.
me: should i feel excited You think of me at boring parties
Him: LOL I just logged on to see if you were on.
me: lol it's okay
me: i have been thinking of You for a moment now
Him: I thought of you also.
Him: I'm about to jet.
Him: TTYL.
Him: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
me: xoxoxoxo
the entire convo couldn't have been more than five minutes, especially since He was on His sidekick and not His computer, but in those few moments i was recentered. so what if mr. clueless thinks i some how did him wrong. i've never been anything but honest and i have never reached out for him with false hope. and i told him that he needed a different type of girl because the type i am will never be able to make him happy. i am meant to make men like Emperor happy. men who view my submission as a gift and nurture it instead of trying to explain why i shouldn't always want to be in his control. five minutes and my life made sense. He'll be next to me in two weeks and that five minutes will be so precious to me because it made me His again.
ta ta for now


waiting for daddy

Saturday, October 01, 2005 2 comments
ok so Emperor hates it when i call Him that but really that's what i'm doing when i'm waiting for Him. we haven't really talked since i bought my ticket to go visit. His sleep cycle seems more off than normal which was hard for me since i'm on call this week so i have to keep semi-regular hours. but again, for some reason, i'm calm. i haven't freaked out, i haven't started pouting and i am happy to report i haven't started crying. i miss Him but i'm not aching like someone just cut off a limb. i miss my Emperor but i haven't forced His attention back on me and i haven't been bugging the hell out of sidra about it which i'm sure she is grateful about. i'm not sure what the cause is per se. i may be more assured of my submission now or in my belief that He cares about me. i may be just excited that He wants me near Him and i'll be with Him soon. i may just be horny as a bat out of hell so there is no room for anger and distrust but whatever it is i am enjoying the feeling. Emperor will be with me soon enough and the waiting will be over for a while longer.