in general this weekend was great. it was nice to get out of town, enjoy room service, enjoy the company of Emperor and all that meant. i’d get into a detailed scene report right now but my ass is still hurting and parts of me are sore that haven’t been sore in a minute. i came back with some things to think about as well. about the M/s piece of who i am. about Emperor and about what i want to be in the future. while being with Him was lovely i think i left more confused than anything. while we totally connect on one level, there are bits and pieces where neither of us understands the other one. i’m not sure what that means right now. and i can’t really say this isn’t just a reaction to an intense experience that i’m trying to process in a rational way that cannot be done in such a fashion. i know that i want this feeling to continue and i’m usually fairly certain i want it to continue with Him but there are are moments of time that it doesn’t feel like it will or ever could. i tossed and turned last night much as He had Saturday night with me. i don’t know what was on my mind because by the time i fell asleep i was beyond coherent thought. my dreams were a jumble and didn’t really make any sense. part of me knows i’m slipping the sneakers back on but i don’t know if i can stop myself this time. that makes me very sad.