my mind is still

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 2 comments
yep you read that correctly my mind is STILL. it's quiet in there for the first time in a long time when i was awake. things are clear to me on one hand and cloudy to me on the other. i haven't spoken to Emperor since Sunday. we flirt, sort of lol, on another board that we both frequent but it's never explicit enough to raise any eyebrows and i like it that way. but seriously we've had no communication since Sunday. i was momentarily upset about that last night. then someone mentioned His name and i did this:

then i relaxed and sat back against the pillows and watched tv. i can't have what i want right now. i can't be tied up and tormented in the evening when i get home. i can't be at His beck and call. i can't accidently break into His friend's house and get punished for it. i have to keep focused right now. there is a lot going on for both of us and i have to respect His time the same way i expect people to respect mine. maybe it's unrealistic to think this can or will work out. maybe it's unrealistic to doubt that it will but the feeling won't go away regardless. when i lay down to fall asleep He will be on my mind. when i wake up shower and look over at that paddle i will think about Him. and i will be hoping that He will be daydreaming about me as well. i do miss Him of course, but i don't feel lost or confused the way i have in the past. the feeling is good and i will let it rule my cranium until its not enough and then i will try something else until either one of us is on bended knee, tied to a rack, bouncing a really fat bald headed person on our lap, wishing the other a peaceful journey as time on the earth ends for one of us or rushing away from one another in a panic cause we truly just can't stand one another anymore lol.

whatever the eventuality, i can't force it into being. that's not my choice and really it's not His. there is some reason we sparked an interest in the other. it may have just been a kindred spirit thing but really considering the timing of it all it was either fate the Lord or the Devil. though i make a lot of jokes i doubt seriously the Devil is on my side this time lol. so if it's fate or a higher being, until that interest is gone it's not my job to overthink it. i just get to enjoy the clarity and comfort that comes from caring about someone else.

swear i didn't rig the results lol....
You are the color red. You are the most
controversial of all the colors. You are often
easily angered, but as easily as you got
excited, you come down. When angered, do you
have the tendency to be malicious? Afterwards,
do you end up begging for forgiveness? Maybe.
But you're incredibly generous, and, odd
enough, needy. You love to hate, and
sometimes, you hate to love. This color
describes you as generally edgy. When in a bad
situation, you're pessimistic, and when you're
in a good situation, you're extremely
optimistic. You're painfully tempermental, and
sometimes it hurts the ones you love. But with
an exciting and stimulating attitude, you enjoy
talking to people and being social. But aside
from your bold and outgoing attitude, you're
attention-needing and attention-getting. This
color is associated with lust and desire--and
you are both lust and desirous. You're a
protective person when it comes to the people
you love. You're incredibly sharp-witted and
powerful (not to mention intelligent!).

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

this entry has no title as of yet. it may not have one at all. today is november 30, 2005. it held no special value for me when i woke up save the fact that today, like every last day of the month (that falls during the work week lol) is payday. i pay rent and other assorted bills tomorrow. nine days after that my mother moves in and another phase of my life begins. today is also the day that a woman i met only once committed suicide. she worked downstairs in a part of my building i never have to access. i knew that she smiled when i was there and seemed friendly. however, past that i know nothing of her and who she was. the building feels wrong today. my patience is thin and my energy has gone but i am still here. a family lost its wife and mother this morning. friends lost someone they cared about. a church lost an active member because this woman needed help and none of us understood how deeply. would we have been able to stop this? i am not sure but it pains me that i won't ever know the answer to that. it pains me that there are more people like her in this building, this community, this country who are also crying out for help silently. if you pray, please pray for her friends and family that are much more confused than i am. if you believe in something bigger than yourself hope that she found peace. i'll be fine. in a few sentances i will probably shift back to my life but only because i understand that and i need to understand something right now. okay thanks guys.


my bear came today

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 No comments

and she is my purty little princess lol


i'm feeling childish today

not in a mean spiteful way like i might normally lol but just childish. i wanna put on my pajamas, order some pizza, tie my hair back in a ponytail, watch the cartoon network and lounge till i want some ice cream. i know some of you are thinking how is that different from what you normally do red? well today i don't want to be a grown up at all. i wanna jump out of my bed, rush around the corner and hop in bed with my parents. i wanna watch strawberry shortcake or the littles or the smurfs while my mother plays with my hair. i wanna giggle uncontrollably cause my dad's scruffy chin is tickling my cheek. i wanna be a little girl just for today. unfortunately my mom isn't here yet and when she gets here i doubt we'll have that much fun lol. my dad and his scratchy chin are long since gone and the only thing that will be awaiting me tonight is a teddy bear unless i go pick up dinner on the way home (which i won't because i have to make it to the office before they close or no teddy bear ).

i wanna crawl into bed with Him and talk and giggle and feed Him whatever delightful concoction i came up with between the leftover baked goods and the ice cream on hand. i wanna take care of Him like i did my sick dollies (who were only sick because i injured them lol) and make sure He has what He needs. i wanna be suddenly taken off guard when we go from playing nursey to a really twisted doctor (like steve martin's overly invested in pain portrayal of a doc in little shop of horrors). i wanna be His little girl for a while too.

either one would make me smile that big wide innocent smile that children are blessed with and adults remember fondly. a scratchy chin or a nice flogging would be just the right thing to go with those pj's with orange blossom or the discarded lace by the side of the bed. either way i am still currently missing my Dad and my Dom but for the first time in a long time i am okay with that.

Your Eyes Should Be Green

Your eyes reflect: Striking attractiveness and danger

What's hidden behind your eyes: A vivid inner world


we had a break through sort of

Monday, November 28, 2005 2 comments
you all know i am having a series of tantrums at night because of what i perceive to be a lack of structure. well last night i wasn't really having one of those. i really was being flirty in my mind and it turned into this big thing that i was so not anticipating. i needed to be up early so i conceded and went to sleep. the phone started vibrating well after i had fallen asleep. for a long stretch i knew i was unconscious and must be dreaming. when it dawned on me that it wasn't in my imagination i finally picked up. there was a text from Emperor and we continued where we had left off before i went to bed. after 30 minutes of lengthy exchanges i thicken we hit a point both of us can accept. of course that will be shown out in the next few weeks and months. i want to give Him what He wants and i want to get what i want from Him. i fell asleep peacefully though, in stark contrast to how i had before, well if you discount the fact that one of my neighbors has something on at night that makes my bed vibrate which was just odd.

beyond that i am on call this week which means my phone can ring at any time over the next four days and i have to grab it. that aint cool but it allows me to leave two hours early every week so somehow i can get over it. i am really perky despite the lateness of the hour that i went back to bed. my day was good, my clients seem workable and i love the Dom. i still cant track down someone but that will be okay as well. hopefully she hasn't fallen into a deep pit and hasn't been able to get out because her phone has crappy reception. i have no deep introspective thoughts to share lol. we are doing okay and i am happy. see ya round the subverse.

ETA: taylor it took me the longest minute to process what the link was for, doh i am sooooooooooo slow


remembering what makes me want Him

Sunday, November 27, 2005 8 comments
i've been in a strange mood for the last day or so. a mix between lusting after Him madly and wondering why i sit anxiously awating His call when i am probably not on His mind in the least. yes i know drastic swing there but it's part of the brat in me that hasn't quite gone away yet. i journaled (is that a word) about how we met and our early conversations before this blog was started. reading back over it now i am wonderfully struck by how intelligent, flirty and intense those conversations were. but it seemed a natural progression from idle chit chat to hey dontcha wanna spank me. adding to that was the manner in which the whole disclosure on my part was handled on His. there was no awkward pause and checking to make sure i was just joking. we intrigued one another, He still intrigues me now, and have shared some secrets that i am quite positive won't be shared with anyone else lol. my friends wouldn't be able to stop blushing and that's just not something i think He'd share with most of His friends. long before He touched me physically He had captured part of my brain. that part of me knows He has to be the one that pushes me further. if He chooses not to then i'm not sure when or if i'd allow someone else the opportunity to do so. not to mention now that i am fully aware of who i am it's been a useful tool to rid myself of other men who hit on me. if the prospect of tying me up and making me squeal doesn't appeal to them as more than a passing activity they stand no serious chance with me even if i was able to overlook the whole i am completely enamored of the man in my life now. since i'm not able to overlook it and since no one has even come close to being able to chart with me on that level their flirting provides me with nothing more than a lovely ego stroke and a story that i might share with Emperor from time to time.

i've gotten off tangent. i love my Emperor. i can't imagine not loving the person that i'm placing in the position He holds for me. He frustrates the hell out of me. He periodically makes me feel like i am losing my patience and sanity. He can make me feel like there has to be someone that is less difficult to deal with but really i don''t think i could handle it any other way. when a piece of the frustration dies away or when it's clear i was just let past another of His walls the rush and excitement is unlike anything else i've experienced when not directly under His ministrations. i adore my Emperor and will work diligently to make sure He adores me as well. yeah so today i'm feeling sappy, i might be cranky in about four hours but for now i have to admit to myself that as things stand i am right where i want to be. okay so now the cleaning fairy is summoning me. must get back to my domestic duties lol.


this will involve some rambling

Saturday, November 26, 2005 2 comments
i have a billion thoughts rushing through my brain. some of them will make sense. others will just be scattered and forgive me for that. i have happily had a series of awakenings over the last week or so. i'm grateful for them and feel a lot of my life calming down as a result. i've gotten all domestic lately and it has been simply amazing. i've been cleaning and cooking and prepping (part of that is because mom is coming soon but ehhh it aint all because of that). i anticipate i'm feeling a little like mrs. cleaver or something because all of it is making me feel retardedly useful, to whom i'm unsure, for some unknown reason. i doubt incredibly that Emperor would ever ask me to do these things. well He does like things clean but beyond that He seems just as prone to eat in as go out for dinner. but then again He couldn't spank me during dinner at the latest hotspot so maybe that would win out lol. regardless the domestica diva in me has reemerged quite unexpectedly.

but this is the recentering me in one since and again grateful for that. however, that leads me back to the things i can't do myself. short of seeing me brought to tears and this fascination with struggling i have no real knowledge of what He expects of me. how do i keep advancing along that path without some guidance on that? there could be someone local to train me but that would defeat the purpose of learning what He wants from me. still waiting to talk about that when He's feeling better and all of that. but really it comes back to this one basic thing. i miss Him terribly. i hate that we are so far away and it takes all of my composure sometimes not to wail pitifully at Him because of it. i wish we had spent the holiday together. i wish i could put a slack in my oral fixation for a moment. i wish He'd have sent me home having difficulty sitting again. ahh memories lol. actually i wish He'd just kidnap me, chain me to the bedroom floor and call my job and give my regrets. too bad i have that whole lease thing here ROFLMAO. oh well i guess i really am not rambling i just miss Emperor.


what 9 1/2 weeks taught me

Friday, November 25, 2005 2 comments
okay so i mentioned before i ordered some books about BDSM and the lifestyle. i forgot to mention i ordered nine and a half weeks when i ordered the others. i got it a few days ago and when i was bored with watching Thanksgiving programming i picked it up last night. i finished it (yes finished it) this afternoon. it's rather short and after closing the last page it made me wonder why it has continued to garner so much hype. in the late seventies it makes PERFECT sense to have caused a stir but now, and maybe it's just because of the ending, it felt hollow. whomever wrote the forward was right. the details of the characters are slim but you do get caught up in the building heights of their relationship. oh well it's over.

it did make me ponder a few things. i tend to get moody in the evening now. i have never done that before now. or if i did it wasn't for any lengthy period of time. if i had a bad day or i was feeling overwhelmed by work or whatever then yes i might crash that evening. but it is slightly more consistent now. i said something to Emperor a while ago that i guess it just didn't register for me again till now. i'm fine from 7 to 6 because i am supposed to be. i am supposed to be able to get out of bed and shower and brush my teeth and dress and drive the 17 miles to work. i am supposed to be able to grab my files, boot up my computer and see my clients. i am supposed to know what i want for lunch and have it, figure out when to do paperwork, return my files, shut down my computer and drive the 17 miles home. i may or may not stop for groceries or food or something but at the end of it i still make it home. and i'm good for a few hours after that, maybe until about 9 my brain is still coasting on what i'm supposed to be able to do.

then the switch goes off. i don't want to be in control anymore. i want someone else to take over. i want to be under His control. be right back i am literally starving lol. ok that's better lol. the duck is still scrumptious by the way. ok pardon the interruption. the switch goes off and i desperately want to be under His thumb. i think He giggled when i said it. He understood but the distance does create a bit of a problem which i do not disagree with. if there was anything at all He would instruct me to do after my work life ends i'd potentially feel different. i can only say potentially because as of yet i do not know. before the last visit i got a small rush everytime one of the required tasks was completed. the "well done, pet"s i'm sure were also a driving force in me getting most of them done. i went through a billion lingerie stores looking for bodystockings for example. i was getting progressively more frustrated as no one had any. i was about to sheepishly tell Him they couldn't be located in town, He said it wasn't a required item but i didn't want to disappoint Him still. there were only two possibilities left. a lingerie store about twenty miles from my apartment, that never got back to me by the way, and a store a few miles from my job which MAY have them but wasn't a promise. the store did have them but had been cleaned out in the main store because of a sale, i was almost out of the place when i asked if they had more of them. well good lord they had a plethora of them around the corner. i found two i liked, sent Him a text message, smiled that He was pleased with me, made my purchase and rushed home to wash and pack.

it was frustrating to put it politely to have to search for all of the things i needed. but knowing that i had done all He requested of me made me overwhelmingly happy. my frustration as of late has been centrally focused on the fact that i haven't been able to do anything overtly to please Him. He's excited, well that might be too strong a word for Him lol, about the bear but He won't get it until we see each other again. i've mentioned before that i have often been rather jealous of those i see in blogland who have tasks to complete for their Doms/Masters and consequences abound when they don't lol. some of them get those consequences faster than others because of the proximity to the ones they serve but they get them. i want that structure. i know that if i get too out of pocket He will make a move to stop me but i don't want to have to go there to get a reaction from Him i guess. i know it sounds sappy i just want to make Him pleased and pleased with me in turn. i'm sure we'll talk about it soon. and while i truly despised how the book ended, i'd have to credit ms. mcneill (a pseudonym by the way lol) for making me verbalize what i needed to say today. i may be back later.


eta: i finally took pics of Emperor's bear but if you want to see them email me lol or leave a note

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

Your Birthdate: December 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.

Your strength: Your original approach to thinking

Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others

Your power color: Pale blue

Your power symbol: Wavy line

Your power month: July

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.
(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)
While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

Main Type
Overall Self
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||| 46%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||| 54%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||| 42%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||| 18%
Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||| 54%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 50%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||| 38%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||| 34%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Your main type is 9
Your variant is social
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test


happy thanksgiving

Thursday, November 24, 2005 4 comments
i doubt this initial entry will be very long. partly because i'm hungry, partly because i'm horny and partly because really for once i don't have a lot to say. i am beyond thankful that all those that i care about seem to be doing well. i've talked to most of them and it is an amazing feat that i wasn't half asleep when they called because i am known to sleep in a lot. i need to call my girls but other than that most of the folks i wuv have hit me up.

now i'm talking to my porn connection lol. i love him and need to find him a good woman soon. he needs it or at least regular sex. but a good woman that would give him regular sex would be ideal. my house smells lovely. pecan pie is cooling and the duck is wafting its juicy aroma through the house. i wish Emperor was here of course. He hasn't seen my domestic side at all yet. i'm really looking forward to His visit here, now when that is i have no idea, so we can dote on each other mostly in private (as my mother is moving in soon) and i can display those other skills i have outside of the bedroom lol.

i just discovered something new in blogland, HNT (appparently half nekkid thursday lol). since i just got a new digital camera i might partake one thursday. let the world see the girls lol. hope everyone is well today and enjoy your family and friends wherever they are.

ETA: okay so i woke up ungodly early today. by 8:30 i was cleaning and getting ready for the wave of cooking i do on holiday mornings lol. for once i actually paid attention to the cooking instructions on back of the duck ROFLMAO and remembered to get the weight off the front so i wouldn't over or undercook the bird lol. so after washing the dishes, cleaning off another stretch of my bedroom floor and fielding the first call of the day from my mother i started cooking. for those that have never had duck yes it is much greasier than turkey BUT it keeps its juice in so much better. this year i was supposed to let it cook for two and a half hours give or take since it was a six pound duck. whenever i take it out on time it's a little undercooked so i let it cook an extra thirty. the bird is yummy but some of its seasoning was mad at me and had burnt just a widdle. i made a pecan pie and some biscuits (from the bisquik folks the cheddar and garlic biscuits which are supposed to be like the ones from red lobster---ADD GARLIC and FRESH cheese if you want them more like the ones from rl ohhh and maybe a tab of butter) and some corn to round out the meal. oh my it was nummy. i'll be enjoying seconds shortly well of everything but the pie. i'm going back and forth between having my first slice of pie and the nummy ice cream that blue bell was evil enough to make and put in my path (moo-llenium crunch good lawd it's great). i should have some pie since i went through the trouble of making it and i could add a small scoop of vanilla ice cream too. before bed i'll have to cut the meat off the duck and refrigerate it cause i hate cutting it days later.

i heard from a few friends as well and that made me smile a warm fuzzy smile. my brother and sister in law called when they were finally awake lol and then Emperor and i exchanged text messages wishing each other a happy day. He does make me smile lol. ohhh and because i am a brat and cannot stand to not have what i want i ordered myself a bear as well. she'll be delivered on tuesday and then little mr. hadrian will have a sister of sorts for a brief time until he is claimed by Emperor. ummm being claimed by Emperor almost sounds naughty lol. ok i swear i'll keep my mind out of the gutter at least for a few more keystrokes. i would much rather those near and dear to me be nearer to me but knowing that they are safe where they are does provide an intense amount of comfort. my sleep cycle is still all screwy so if you guys get all bored and something drop me an email and i'll find you on one of my yahoo id's if you have one or aol if you have that and prove how special and silly i really am. okay i'm gonna go watch arthur on pbs and have some pie.

Charlie Brown
You are Charlie Brown!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
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is oprah the antichrist?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 No comments

isn't my name all purty and shiny lol. okay so it doesn't take much to entertain me some days as you can see. i did all my paperwork, all thirteen case notes in about 90 minutes and that was over an hour ago at this point so what am i? you got it boys and girls: red velvet is BORED out of her skull. i'm on another message board discussing why we think Oprah may or may not be the antichrist ROFLMAO. yes i am bored out of my mind. i'm thinking that she might be if i can overlook some of the glaring things--she's supposed to be a man, a little younger and raised out of the states if you listen to some religious scholars. however, if i can totally forgo all of that it makes sense. she's got money and influence to do whatever she wants. she is beloved by millions of people who wait on her latest words on new books, clothes, pet toys and how to have better happier lives. she's seen as harmless as the antichrist is supposed to be seen initially. and she doesn't have that bitchy baggage and jail time that martha stewart is trudging along with now. hmmm just ponder it and tell me what you think. if she comes out with something that could be construed as the mark of the beast i'm just gonna lock my tv on the cartoon channels so i can't be unduly programmed by satan's right hand gal. short of things being dull around here i am okay. i'm waiting for them to close us down early and let me go get back in bed and enjoy my sheets and being in my pj's at four in the afternoon. oh well be good. i may be back later.

ColorQuiz.comred+velvet took the free personality test!

"Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a ..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

red velvet's Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

red velvet's Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

red velvet's Restrained Characteristics
The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.

red velvet's Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

red velvet's Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.


eureka, epiphanies and by george i think she's got it

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 No comments
okay i know i've been tangential with the posts lately so this one should come as no surprise to you lol. i have spent the last few days bemoaning my plight as an oft neglected diligent pet. i bothered sidra for at least an hour discussing that i must be the prep girl for every man i know. meaning i get them ready to run off and be blissfully happy with someone else. i have even hypothesized as to why that might be (i had to be a philandering whore of a man in my most recent life and i am making up for that now by being the one they leave or maybe i didn't know how to commit and left people scarred so i'm dealing with my own perpetual loneliness now). as of this morning i have to make that resounding what the fuck ever. i may have been a whore in a past life, but i was happy and good at it lol if that was the case. and i may not have been able to commit because hell i'm not that good at it now. but really the underlying source of all current trauma, besides the insecurities, is a prior D/s trauma. i know you are all wondering what on earth i'm talking about but please let me explain ROFLMAO.

i had the most amazing dream last night. i wasn't the prep girl as someone pointed out skillfully to me then. i was in need of repair and that was why He walked into my life. He may need a bit of tweaking too but ultimately my lesson to be learned was to trust someone that i surrendered to and not have that tossed back in my face at a later date. i know you are still probably scratching your heads because i have repeatedly stated i'm new to all of this and i am save one glaring omission that i had blocked from my memory until last night's dream. when i was fifteen i met a man that i just knew would be my husband, and had he not twisted me inside out he very well may have been, and proceeded to date him till just shy of my twentieth birthday. over the course of our time together he got progressively more mentally and emotionally abusive until i finally got physically ill at the thought of him touching me. i coudln't leave though because i was his and his alone and to think otherwise would just lead to more upheaval and unrest.

he wanted my complete surrender to him which i happily gave which he exploited every way he possibly could until as i said before the thought of his touch made me ill. i left him and led a blissfully adventurous life. no serious commitments, tons of ridiculously fantastic sex and loneliness only if i gave breath to the word. did i love during that time? of course but because i wasn't loving with all of me, some had to stay hidden out of protection, it didn't work out and led me to take that much needed hiatus in 2001 which i didn't officially leave until late 2004. three years gave me time to reconnect to most of me but Emperor threw that dormant switch and reignited that submissive part of me. my resistance to Him when there has been any and my fear caused by His periods of "neglect" (more like time to do what He needs to without me hovering) are based on my latent belief that He will treat me much as the first one did and cause me unknown pain. nevermind that Emperor knows full well how damaging that could be or that unlike the first one while He possess a sadistic streak He relegates that to play time and doesn't bring it out in our daily interactions. the fear was there and ruling all that i perceived on one hand which was unfair to Him. so Emperor i truly apologize for that piece of my behavior because yeah it damaged things unnecessarily.

don't get me wrong there are still points that we still don't see eye to eye on and probably never will. there are things i can learn to accept and things i'm sure He will learn to accept about me. but even if none of that never comes to be the way either of us wants it to be it was good to have that discussion last night and doubly wonderful to have that dream. i blocked him because it wasn't time to remember that and now that i have i can do and be better than i have been. so yeah for special dreams lol. and i'm including this picture below because all of this made me think of that photo, you know that whole slogan--knowing is half the battle lol.

Fire Fairy

You are a Fire Queen. You are a Brave warroir and
you know how to fight for yourselve and your
kingdom. Your kingdom is very strong and
wealthy. You might get in some wars but mostly
you win and you fear nothing!

What kind of Queen are you? ( With BEAUTIFULL pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Aurilite (priestess of the goddess of ice)
Your French name is
which means 'frozen'.
People like to call you antisocial and mean, but
you really just like to be alone. Although they
don't realize that, just like everybody else,
all you want is to be accepted. But since no
one sees this, you like the company of you and
you alone.

What is your French name?
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Your beauty lies in your soul.

There are so many unlike you in this world. You're
like a very rare diamond. No, diamonds can't
shine as much your soul.

Your motive:

To help others in need and maintain happiness
withen others around you.

Your quote:

If you fall either I fall with you or I'll catch
you pull you back up.

Your colors:

Silver and Gold

Your song:

Wings of a Butterfly - HIM

"Come on and show them your love. Rip out the
wings of a butterfly."

Please rate and message.

Where do You Find Your Beauty? (Gorgeous Pictures and Touching Results)
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You're crazy! YAY!
Now, if the world had more people like you, we'd be
cultivating chocolate and the ozone would be a
thing of the past.
^_^ Have a nice day.

Insanity Test
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101 tales from the subverse

Monday, November 21, 2005 No comments
the nice man above is for display purposes only lol. okay there really won't be 101 tales from our universe. i don't have that much to say i promise. i just wanted to bask in the 100th post for a moment and i have properly done so. today started off a hot flaming mess. i was in pain, a gruesome unspeakable pain until about ten this morning. as soon as that passed the day was good. my clients were focused. my staff meeting quickly disintergrated into something just shy of hilarious and i was finally at peace in my own mind. life was as it should be even though as usual i barely got a moment to breathe before i had worked my full day and was headed back home. all in all it was a good day really. and now my eye candy is unexpectedly on tv (see link), i so don't get sports entertainment lol but i do so enjoy drooling over the man above when he is half naked and abusing someone in the ring.

anyway, thanks for all your well wishes as the blog passes its 100 post milestone. as the posts keep climbing the nice people that visit me are expanding from the states, canada and the UK to scattered parts of europe and asia and australia. i know some folks won't be able to read it without a translator software but i hope it makes sense when you are able to do so. i am thoroughly enjoying the attention lol but i do hope that you get something out of it for those of you that are repeat guests.

okay moving on, the peace i felt today cannot be attributed to any one thing. as i moved through the day i just think i became more comfortable with my decisions as of late. i had to go through all those interesting relationships prior to now in order to fully accept what i have chosen to accept for myself now. i had to accidentally run across the person that has altered my life so dramatically in the last few months. i had to go through all of my growing pains as of late in order to decide if this path, this trek towards total submission, is really what i want. i can honestly say yes it is. now the question remains will that path continue to include Emperor or not. one of the things that i have spent all day at peace with is that i truly want to be with Emperor. i want Him plain and simple. i get frustrated, i get upset and i get cranky but most of that can evaporate with a few simple words from Him. yes most of it will go away but i haven't been walked to the end of the path yet. since i'm still midstream in that there will be residual resentment from time to time. times like now lol. i am ready to sit still and i'm doing it without much reservation at this point. i have to quell that voice that is still thinking of this as an autonomous situation. that is not what we have. i am His pet, He is my Emperor. and i really am happy with that more often than not. i am peaceful today partly because i have accepted that. i have some more of the road to see but i can admit that a good ways to go. i can admit that my resentment is based on insecurity but again this is because i'm still on the path and not firmly planted at His feet. i'm rushing there when i need to be patient. aww but patience is not a virtue i have totally developed. i'm working on it though. and as i work on me i hope that He will as well. continue to mold me into His perfect pet and allow me closer into His world. all of this is irrelevant at the moment. i'm happy boys and girls, very happy.

see ya


celebrate the moody stream of consciousness

Sunday, November 20, 2005 6 comments

okay i was searching for images with the number 100 in them and this came up (not safe for work lol). soooooo not what i was looking for lol. anyhoo. today is marking my 100th post. all the ranting and raving has exploded up to number 100 this afternoon. i am still as confused as i was yesterday. the push pull should be tired and old by now but i'm hanging on for dear life and i for one do not understand it. so yes i am still quite moody this afternoon. my spanking derbish seems so distant today. well the last few days. so i've been cleaning and in case you haven't noticed by total failure to mention it really before now, i HATE cleaning, despise it with zeal. but cleaning i have been cause it allows me not to worry about His inattention. unfortunately when the cramps start again i must sit still because the pain is bordering on unbearable. i really want to talk to Him, the same way we did before He claimed my submission as His own but He won't open up to me. it's almost as if now that He knows i want to be with Him that He has to close off parts of Himself. yes i know i have to keep in mind my hormone level right now and the copiuous amount of drugs in His system but it still feels cold outside of His gaze.

which leads me to the whole stream of consciousness thing. the subverse has to exist as part of that stream. there are usually a few major themes coursing through it at any point in time and the confusion pulse is hitting me and some others hard. how can be expected to serve and serve well without some reassurance and the occassional unexpected you are doing well darling, pet, slave? part of why i sought out this type of relationship (refusing to call it a lifestyle because i am being difficult today) is because i wanted to be taught explicitly what makes Him happy. didn't want to second guess or hypothesize what would please Him. yes sometimes that works and sometimes it just explodes in your face. i wanted at least part of that burden removed from me. of course i will still screw things up but not as much as i would if He wasn't guiding me. that has been my ultimate frustration in this. His life has interfered with our life. not just recently but my training has been postponed numerous times. we get started, i get excited, He gets distracted with something else and i am left sitting where i always have been: next to Him and confused. no matter how i protest it i have no real desire to be anywhere that He doesn't want me to be. no matter how much i wail and whine here all i really want is to know that i have pleased Him. no matter how much i plot my departure i'll be beside Him until He releases me. i'll be His until then and i know it. it doesn't stop this icky feeling from creeping in when i don't know what it is He wants or desires of me. it would be so much easier if i could function without that level of instruction from Him but we are just learning each other so i can't, not yet anyway. there's no good way to explain this to Him. our communication styles are so different and our prior relationships make us hear things totally differently than was either said or intended. so i am just sitting here and pouting and waiting for something utterly mind-numbing to come on so i can quiet my brain and remember that yes i am an individual, but one whose heart and mind belong to someone else right now no matter if He understands that truly or has figured out what He wants to do with that. all of this reminds me of a song that was going to be the title of this post: impossible by christina aquilera--who if reports are right got married this weekend.

the thing is it's not impossible to love Him, it just feels like an impossibility that i could stay like we are indefinitely. i know what i need and despite how much i want Him now there is only so much even the most devoted of subs can take. even if i didn't leave Him physically or request my release from Him, my heart can only withstand so much before it shuts itself away from Him. hopefully we don't get there. hopefully one day soon i'll tell you about the wonderful way in which He made me wholly enamored of Him again. of how we woke up in my bed and He claimed me all over again. until then i hope i put enough good vibes into the subverse that we can merge all the themes into one overriding one--peace and contentment. until then enjoy your highs and appreciate the lows are just part of our growing pains i guess.

see ya
red v


99 bottles of beer on the wall & then some more

okay people this is my 99th post. the very next one will be grand old number 100. i have nothing planned but i may get all excited and do something anyway lol. i am doing okay for the most part. i have been perusing blogland to see how others are doing and i guess i am the only special child actually connected to her computer because everyone else seems to be out enjoying their lives. i do need to get up and clean up soon but i am feeling no motivation to do that whatsoever. i would much rather catch a late afternoon flight to see Emperor and spend the next 48 hours with my mouth firmly secured to some part of His anatomy. no particular part just whatever He will let me hold for a while roflmao. i miss Him, even though i know i said He would likley drive me crazy yesterday. i haven't done the long distance thing in a long time and i don't think that i am adjusting as well as i possibly could. i just wanna be curled up with my Dom. i wanna be pat on the head and told i am a good girl. i wanna hear my name turned into a litany of curses and praise as my mouth reaffixes to some other part of His anatomy. i don't think He would really let me orally torture Him for two days. the only reason He let me so thoroughly entertain myself the first time was because i had literally whine about men not allowing me to sate my oral fixation before they curled up and told me enough because i was trying to kill them. i would never do that to Him though, kill Him that is, He makes me too happy most of the time. yeah i am sure i am sounding a little nuts. but hey pain, lust and longing will do that to you. i am gonna go lay it down for a while. i may come back and edit this later so i can blather on a bit more. have a blessful day whatever you are doing.


ETA: my newest favoritest sappy movie is on right now. the first time i saw it i was having another insomnia fit and it was quite accidental i hadn't changed it over to the cartoon network as i saw him (john cusack) on tv. thinking it might be gross pointe blank i tuned in for a while and then was enraptured in it much the same way i have been by another ridiculously sappy film (simply irrestiable with sarah michelle gellar). anyhoo, it normally keeps me company at 3AM but all of a sudden it's not even midnight and it ques up after legally blonde went off. so now i'm in the middle of the bed, after some light cleaning and making dinner, watching serendipity. webster's says that serendipity is "The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident." isn't that a nice word? you find good things by accident. what could be better than that? well keeping the good things you found by accident could be great.

again i know i'm hormonal and i have been actively fighting my natural impulse to run from anyone that makes me remotely happy. however, i'm not sure if this is the right person to fight that impulse with. yes i know directly above this blubbering i admitted that He has the ability to make me profoundly happy. and i guess by virtue of that He also has the ability to make me feel incredibly crappy. i'm sure you are wondering what any of this has to do with serendipity. well let me tell you. meeting Him was quite a fortunate accident. had He stumbled upon me even a week earlier my mind would not have been receptive and i surely wouldn't have been so honest with Him.

i figured what the hell, if we don't like one another after we meet it so won't matter because i'll be moving 600 miles away. i was fully prepared to detest Him after we met actually lol. i hadn't met a man i LIKED in months at that point let alone one that would keep my attention when we were a short plane ride away from each other. ahh but there He was, in all His Dom'ish glory and i was smitten. i'm still smitten now i'm just upset and feeling icky. when i act out He most surely reacts but otherwise i'm just around and left to flounder a bit. it makes things at least feel a little less serendipitous. i adore Him i really do i'm just cranky and the universe is not helping me. well it is and isn't. tbs loves me and is showing my other new favorite sappy movie as soon as serendipity goes off. and well no one else is presenting themselves. i always say it's a bad sign if you are looking for alternatives to your relationship lol. i have been and the sad thing is no matter how hard i look (for an hour here or there) or where i look what i want isn't coming up. and that's probably because what i want is suffering in His place on medication too preoccupied with His own life to recognize His pet needs to be petted.

tonight i'll have a talk with the universe since it seems to be indirectly talking to me. if it doesn't answer then screw it. i'll stiffen my pouty lip and let it deliver the Dom'my man that wants to wrap me up into His protective arms and force me down on my knees to do ehhh something interesting lol. if you have never seen the movies watch them once, let me know what you think once you do. if you have seen them and you understand my rambling please let me know.

red v


this is my confessional

Friday, November 18, 2005 2 comments
first let me apologize for the billion quizzes that will appear at the end of this post. blogthings had new quizzes up and as my client has not arrived i got quiz happy especially since most of these were pretty short. anyhoo moving on now. you see the title of the post so here's my confesssion. well there are a lot of them so bear with me.

Confession #1: as much as i like my job and the work i do there are a lot of people i just don't like. primarily those that think they know everything or how others should live their lives. yes i know by default i get into some of that with work but i never push where a client doesn't want to go and when it has become obvious that i have then i tend to back down until they are either ready to go there or we change directions. random people annoy me.

Confession #2: no matter how much i try to fight it or deny it and as atypical as i am in most respects i am quite totally a woman in how i react to things now. i have to hang up my tomboy badge and embrace the fuck me heels. i periodically LOVE being girly and flirty and sexy. knowing i made a man lose his composure gives me nothing short of a thrill be it in an argument or because i brushed against him. i have never been more aware of my femininity and in awe of what i can do with it than i am right now and guess what after the winter in the gym the boys will truly be poor innocent victims (well some of them) to my newly fashioned piece of my sexuality.

Confession #3: i totally and complete adore someone that is going to potentially drive me crazy. when He is being the person that caught my attention He's great and wonderful and makes me wanna snuggle and be His perfect pet. when He is having His mood swing i have no idea what it is i see in Him exactly but i don't leave. and it's not that i can fix Him drive that makes me stay. you can't fix anyone especially when they don't want to be fixed. i'm not even sure it's that i know He's wonderful in so many ways thing because He is but so are hundreds of other men. some part of me is resonating to some part of Him and we will either find the frequency that pulls Him out of that funk or allows me to understand it enough not to take it personally. or things will end tragically as things sometimes do. when i have sudden downturns here, it's usually because of a sudden downturn with Him. He always smooths it out, doing it much faster now at that, but that's what is happening. it's clear He wants me with Him but i'm not sure if He understands Himself in a sense, and me most assuredly, enough to know when He is screwing things up royally. climbing inside His brain to see what makes Him tick is no longer a desired goal lol, i'm afraid it might actually make sense to me and then what does that say about me? He makes me smile though, that nice peaceful all is right with the world type of smile, so maybe that's what is keeping me hanging on for the right note to be struck.

Confession #4: i have become a blog junkie so even when i'm having funky days i'd rather vent here than sit and stew. i do destructive things when i stew and as i like all of my things and my life in general right now i can't go tearing things up. so you all are stuck with me funky moods and all.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Kind Chief.

Where You Lived: Central Africa.

How You Died: Killed in Battle.

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.
But you may be ready in a couple of years.
You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.
And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to take more than give in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

You Should Learn Swedish

Fantastisk! You're laid back about learning a language - and about life in general.
Peaceful, beautiful Sweden is ideal for you... And you won't even have to speak perfect Swedish to get around!

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart.
Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person!

Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy

Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing

Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense

What you bring to relationships: Honesty

Your Japanese Name Is...

Mitsuki Takashi

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Silent Devil
Your Superpower is Undead
Your Weakness is Men
Your Weapon is Your Poison Rifle
Your Mode of Transportation is Space Shuttle

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy.
Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems.

You would make an excellent:

Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian
Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer
Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher

The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

Your Outrageous Name is:

Ivonna Ardon


i need to take a momentary break

Thursday, November 17, 2005 3 comments
i thought after my last moments of hiatus i'd be okay but something came up this afternoon that is forcing me to take another one. i may be back tomorrow, it may be a few days or weeks but i'll pop up now and then to check on things and everyone. be good and be happy no matter what you have to face in the process.


ETA: ignore my tantrum, i was upset about something and was about to run and hide somewhere. but as someone wisely said we can never run fast enough to outrun ourselves lol. i'm going to rest tonight and eventually when i sort through it all i'll tell you what happened. so off tangent why is the pilsbury dough boy getting his shimmy on to barry white now? that is just freaking distracting when i am trying to be moody and morose.


ahhh people.......they are well you know

at the moment, as Emperor and i haven't even really begun to hash out the cause of my unrest, i won't get into all of that now. however i've been struck the last few days about the assumptions we make about one another and each others lives that are wholly unfair. several people know that i'm seeing Emperor and a few less (cause He really doesn't dig most people) know that i am seeing Him. the full context of what we are hasn't been shared with them and it may never be. i am (usually) blissfully happy in my now recognized and appreciated submission. it grounds me in a way that little else has and i can most readily relate when others say they need their Doms/Master to recenter them THROUGH our available language of dominance and submission. some folks will say its sick but ever goal i personally reach that He sets for me is exhilirating--yes that involves bdsm and spanking and flogging and mindfucks and pain. those four letters--pain--are sometimes all He asks of me and for the contentment i feel when things are good between us its well worth that sacrifice. on top of which i am a huge masochist. things that hurt get me off so its a win win situation for both of us when He's feeling like making me hurt.

whether it's my cuffs or my dinner, (people are making thanksgiving meals and bringing what they normally make at home for everyone, it's a nice idea but all of us don't do up thanksgiving and the smell of the food is driving me nuts cause i really don't want any of it at the moment.) people opt to make assumptions about my person and my lifestyle even though i'm coming to detest that word. i'm not really all that alternative i just take things to a different place as i defer to the person that makes me happy. anyway, what happened to being able to say it doesn't work for me but you're happy so i'll be happy for you? you don't like turkey? nope i don't. well okay what do you like instead is all i really want to hear. don't harass me about why and well do i like dressing if i don't like turkey. leave me and my personal tastes alone.

so you really like to be spanked and are happy with this whole Master/slave thing? yes i am. well okay i can accept that even if i don't understand it is all i really want to hear then. if you can't do me the favor of not judging what i do i guess i can't have you in my life. i'm not sure why i'm venting right now. i guess i'm preparing myself for the inevitable because unlike taylor most of my friends have no idea this exists or that i'm Emperor's pet. i'm not sure when they will be allowed access to it but whenever it is i hope they read this post BEFORE they start asking me what went wrong in childhood that i do so enjoy giving myself to Him in this way.

we're all different. if my happy doesn't intefere with your happy i don't get the big deal. so what i would rather watch tiny toons than dawson's creek. so what i hated both sex and the city and girlfriends. so what that i think ice cream is a perfectly acceptable meal replacement. so what if i am embracing three inch heels and love being that tall. so what if i couldn't sit down for 24 hours because Emperor spanked the hell out of me lol. so what?


i'm not having a crisis but.....

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 2 comments
i am definitely having a moment. i won't get into it all right now because i really don't want to upset all the positive energy that has been flowing through the sub universe right now. i think this all mostly related to me doing a periodic reevaluation of my life and what i want and what i don't. i should have done this during my down time and i did in a different way but this is mostly related to Emperor and our lives and the prospect for our future. i am probably overthinking and devaluing what it is i do for Him but as He is in His current state those random moments of reinforcement that so drive my overachieving self are lacking right now. that is exacerbated by the distance and makes me feel even of less use to Him than i was already feeling. i need to speak with Him first and once i've at least done the spilling of my guts that i need to do i can come back and share what is necessary with everyone else. i'm not terribly upset, actually i can't say i'm upset at all, i am just out of sorts and i hate that feeling. i may come back and elongate this post or more than likely i'll just make a new one.

thanks for your patience,

Donald Result
Donald Duck

Which DISNEY character are you most like?
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not a whole lot going on around here

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 4 comments
the weather is what is on my mind right now. we've dropped about 40 degrees over the last few days. it is absolutely freezing and entirely too windy outside. i got hit by my hair today on the way to the car and ladies you know that sting is just freaking painful. i had to turn my heat on about an hour ago. i hate being cold damn it. anyhoo.

i've been reading twice as bright with interest the last few days. it's nice to see them growing together. but you know i think i'm more intrigued that her master is posting with her. i told Emperor when this started He was welcome to but i'm glad that He has opted not to as of yet. i throw the absolute worst tantrums here and then by the time we talk i'm happy again or at least calm enough to talk to Him without doing that pout thing that worked so effectively on my father before he died.

i'm not always sure when He's reading but some days, when i really need Him to be so He's very gentle and sweet with me and i like that. i'm sure one day He'll announce His presence to you all and let you know i'm bound and gagged somewhere. take that seriously i'll probably be hogtied on the bed lol. ahh well i'm gonna go watch cartoons now.

see ya

Guys Like That You're Fun

You're the type of girl guys brag about knowing
That's because you're cool, funny, and laid back
You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys
But flirty enough to know how to make them all want you

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.
People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.
You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.
Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

Your Scent is Pumpkin Pie

Warm, comforting, and a bit old fashioned
You've got what men want - believe it or not!