scotty, beam me up

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 No comments
ignore the first part of this post as just the idle ramblings of a submissive missing her Dom in the worst way. okay really how in the HELL has someone not come up with the technology to have transporter beams yet? i mean star trek is decades old and there are too many die hard, very bright trekkies out there. i need someone to work on this stat so it wouldn't matter where on earth i was resting my head, i could be with Him whenever He wanted and needed me. yes it's selfish and it won't be used, at least in my case, toward the betterment of man but damn it i wanna see Him instantaneously. i'm not crying or anything i really am wondering why it hasn't been created yet. so for real someone get on that.

okay moving on. life is okay around these parts. even though i've been tired as hell as of late but beyond that it's good. i miss Him but i'm not particularly manic or excitable about that. for the moment i'm happy in the knowledge that He misses me as well. this space, as i've mentioned before, is weird. it hasn't been a year since we met each other and it seems like everyone i passed by to get here was well worth the heartache and drama that it created. don't get me wrong, there are people in there that i could have been terribly happy with as well. the sex would have been divine (thinking of this one tallish chocolate man in particular--MLK day memories i tell ya lol--don't ask) and the conversation great. we could have been a happy couple but something in there just didn't click for us so it didn't happen that way. for years i doubted why that was, was something lacking in me that he couldn't return my affections beyond the physical? we eventually talked about it and no matter how important i thought i was in that outcome ROFLMAO it had little of nothing to do with me. that was good to know but i still didn't go searching for anyone else, part of me was still tied to mr. chocolate and then it just sort of died. no warning, no major explosions, no bargaining with God at that precise moment. it was just gone. that was about a year before i met Emperor. Emperor lol who has changed my life so completely came into my life in the narrowest of windows. and i haven't been happier.

so here we are now. i'm sleepy and missing that man whose mere presence makes me quiver--if He says my name or calls me pet i am liquid. a big gooey pile of warmth that radiates one emotion--pure unadulterated love for my wonderful Dom. it's nice feeling this way. it makes me open and aware to the possibilities that life has to offer. there may be a glitch with the relocation plans but i want to talk to Emperor before i spill it here. i am wishing good vibes into the universe and hope that we all have wonderful evenings. and seriously someone work on my tractor/transporter beam please.


lyzel in E flat (he loves me)

Monday, January 30, 2006 No comments
okay i know the song title is normally written in reverse but i like saying lyzel in E flat for some reason. i haven't listened to that song in a long stretch. i love it though. jill scott's voice and the music blend wonderfully. you love me, especially different, every time you keep me on my feet, happily excited by, your cologne and your hands your smile your intelligence, you woo me you court me you tease me, you please me you school me, give me some things to think about, ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me, you incite me to chorus, ooh ooh...

sorry went off tangent for a minute there. today i have been nearly blissfully happy. this song has been in my head off and on. i can see it relating to Emperor but it's not that entirely. i just love her voice. she is amazing in concert. and well He is amazing as well. for different reasons of course but His voice is quite nice. He's making me grow in ways i didn't think possible and i can never ever ever say how much that has meant to me. not much to tell you all. a kitten or two might be sacrificed tonight. the plan is still moving along. i'm still in my place alone (dance of joy today in my bra and panties it was great) and those halves of me are merging bit by bit. life is good. hope i didn't confuse anyone with the title of this post. a happy girl was just on a buzz.


fresh warm blankets, rainy nights

Sunday, January 29, 2006 No comments
the two of those things have nothing to do with one another really. but in my effort to simplify my life and get back in touch with those things that make me truly tickled to be alive i am looking at the most basic aspects of my life.

i am cleaning my room, nothing fun about it really except the satisfaction of seeing it clean for the 10.9 seconds that can occur before i tear through it looking for things. as part of that cleaning i am washing dirty clothes scattered about, putting away clean ones, clearing off my bed of assorted paper that accumulates from one week to the next and i'm doing my favorite/most dreaded thing as well. i'm changing the comforter and sheets. don't get me wrong they get washed and tended to regularly but something has to motivate me to completely switch out the comforter set. i'm not sure if Emperor's impending visit is the cause of that or i just wanted a new look but i'm glad i did. i crawled under the comforter as soon as i pulled it warm from the dryer. truly there is nothing like a fresh warm blanket to make you feel all safe and cuddly and dreamy. well nothing of course but a fresh warm Dom lol. now if i ever had both you probably wouldn't hear from me for a moment. i'd be lost off in subspace floating and wondering what i did to be so lucky (ummm letting your very interesting mother move in with you might qualify but i didn't want to just put it on that).

it rained here last night as well. we needed the rain, the weather has been dramatically dry and there has been a day or two of snow this winter. but the rain always makes me think of warm wet water crashing over my skin outside somewhere with Emperor doing interesting things to each other and hoping not to get arrested lol. i told a friend about it and she called me a horndog lol. i very well may be but having sex in the rain, rushing in for a hot steamy shower and then curling up under a nice warm blanket would just be absolute heaven right about now. ahh see very simple things would entertain me greatly right now. let me get back to the cleaning so i can enjoy a hot steamy shower soon.

see ya


You are the Angel of Fun.

Good Traits:

People don't usually think of you as beautiful for

some reason. They more or less think of you

as really cute! You love to make games out of

EVERYTHING! That just makes life so much more

enjoyable and fun to live with. You're never

down in the dumps unless it's too cold or the

weather is too bad to be playing outside.

That just makes you CRAZY! You also like to

make friends with everyone you hangout with,

even if you have never met them before.

That's only because you figure if you can get

along with them in some silly game, there's

no reason you two can't be the best of

friends any other time!

Bad Triats:

What you need to change is closely related to the

Angel of Nature. Seeing as to how you make

every little thing a game, you are pretty far

from serious when it comes to everything

else. You grades need to be brought up

slightly because usually, you'll choose to

play at your softball game rather than stay

inside on such a beautiful day and do silly

homework. You also need to brush up on being

more serious when it comes to your chores,

because you usually make a game out of those

too. So you can imagine they're not always

done quite the way your mom wants them to be!

Your Best Friend is Most Likely:

The Angel of Lonliness

- What is Your Inner Angel -
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a "Purple Angel". You're a fighter

and you know it. If you were an angel, you'd

be part of the celestial army because your

the strongest of all the angel types. You're

tough as nails and definately a go big or go

home person. You do everything to the best of

your ability. You're not like the gaudian

angel where you just protect your friends but

you protect everybody. You can't stand to see

people suffering and you'd do anything to

change that. You're a very fun person as long

as people are on your good side and you're

very laid back. (If you cannot see the

picture, go to my homepage and scroll down

near the bottom. I have the results from all

my quizess that have pics)

What Color Angel Are You? (PICS)
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You are Emerald.You are very caring when it comes

to nature and you love to see the forest.It

seems that nature loves you too because you

have a green thumb.You love to see others

smile and you only want world peace.You love

to love and people know that about

you.Friends or no friends, you're still happy

the way you are.
Animal:Bald Eagle

What kind of gem or jewel are you?(With Pics, and Detailed answers!)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Artemis, Goddess of night. You are not

interested in boys. You love to hunt with

your nymphs.

Which Greek Goddess are you?
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the two halves of red velvet

Saturday, January 28, 2006 No comments
there are two of me for sure. there is still very vanilla red that has a life to maintain outside of this forum and this wonderful community. then there is His red, His pet, His whatever He decides i am this day. both of these halves are happy individuals lol but sooner or later i am going to mesh them into one happy whole. the surprise went over superbly. He can't wait for the fantasy to become reality and i of course cannot wait to make Him happy. we also spoke last night about my relocation. after the errands i spent the day completing i looked again for jobs near Him. one or two look interesting but the pay range is so wide that i'm unsure about both of them. i will keep looking of course and will let Him know what i find. i don't think i'll get as lucky as taylor and be able to relocate this spring but by next fall i hope to be under His thumb whenever He likes. after this weekend i can be more accessible to Him anyway since i am no longer tied to the city with crisis duty until nearly April. ahh this half of red is rambling, let's get back to the other.

she leads the 8 to 5 life with only random interruptions from the other half when i need to do things for Emperor or when i have to get lost in a dream of Him in order to suffer through yet another meeting. He does create such lovely daydreams, hmmmm. oh anyway, she handles the daily living things and she gets tired a lot. there's a LOT of crap to tend to. the rest of me, His part of me, is always in wait for His next want or desire and figuring out what i can do from here to make that happen for Him. these sides are merging more. but at the moment nothing can out her at work and there is no one to be out with here after work. if He were to put one of those "woo look at me i'm a collar" collars on me then i'd have to just deal with it. maybe cut out those low cut sweaters for a while lol. but as we discussed a long time ago, the most important collar He could give me would be over the internalized thoughts about Him, this and us. He's already pushed in there and made Himself at home. i enjoy that, both sides of me enjoy that lol.

yesterday was a re-evaluation of my ability to do what He pleases and i can still say i found myself lacking. however, i'm better now. He was pleased and my little subbie brain can feed on that and that i know my Emperor well enough to elicit smiles and smirks from Him. we are happy girls looking just to become His happy and content and faithful pet.

ok enough before i start marooning as my friend said since i'm too dark to blush lol.

Your Dominant Thinking Style:


You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights.
You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details.

An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path.
You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:


Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you.
You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion.

You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested.
You tend to ground those around you and add stability.


three inch heels and a smile

Friday, January 27, 2006 2 comments
that is how i started my day. wearing three inch heels and a smile. i was smiling because in total un-red-like fashion, i abandoned the pants today. i slipped into sheer black hose and found a yet to be worn pair of black strappy three inch heels. they weren't my favorite pair, or so i thought, so i was unsure about wearing them with the black skirt with the lovely split on my left thigh. even more unsure about wearing the pristine white shirt i'm wearing now because i have a tendency to be a clutz. but with four hours to spare i am still stain free and have only twisted my ankle by purposively putting them at weird angles when i sit. i got my hair done yesterday and it was flowing quite well with the outfit so yes i started this morning amid a rash of compliments on my cuteness wearing three inch heels and a smile.

i have no idea what happened in the forty five minutes since this funk has set in on me. everyone in blogland appears to be well and happy. work is good. my clients haven't been unstable. lunch was good and still a funk has descended. i read taylor's blog today and it made me ponder the different times and ways i have been demanding of Emperor. i've always said it was because i wanted to be there for Him and be better for Him and on some level i know that to be true. however, i also know it's because i want to be wanted. that will sound silly i'm sure but it's sad and lonely living with doubt. and there is only doubt because i am not getting the acknowledgement the way i want it to be. i am unsure as to why the way He wants it hasn't been enough for me and it saddens me greatly that i have repeatedly just not been satisfied. that wanting continuously breeds insecurity in me that i have to keep stepping on with three inch heels and that returns as quietly as it can until it's whispering in my ear again.
you are not enough. you are not what He wants. the sooner you accept these things the happier you will be and the less distraught you will be when He inevitably leaves. i can shake them away before bed but they come with me into my dreams and stay there to do horrible little dances. i also read Master Enigma's blog today as well. His post probably wasn't meant to do this at all lol but it made me start thinking again about those wants and needs.

is it so wrong to want to know that you are lusted after, longed for, that you please the person that so encompasses your world? i commented there after reading that being so desired was what i hoped to have with Emperor. but then my wants started crashing into reality and i again feel like i have somehow failed on the big submissive midterm exam. how could i possibly expect to get those things from Him when i cannot be happy with what He gives me now? i do want to make Him happy, but more than that i need to know that i have done so. i need to know that i have done all that i can to be exactly as He has expected me to be and if i come up lacking then i cannot say that i didn't try. but each demand, if you can call it that, i've made on Him is weighing on me now and the weight may have ruined any reasonable prospect of being more for Him and because of Him.

so i'm still in that skirt, that shirt, with my hair immaculately coiffed lol, and in those three inch heels. the smile just feels forced and i am terrified that i will have disappointed Him again in some glaring way. i am sure this will all settle down in my brain soon but i had to get it out now. sorry if i made anyone at all remotely sad lol.

see ya later

eta: the day got much better and the night was mostly good as well, i hope all of you have a good weekend.


so the plot thickens

Thursday, January 26, 2006 9 comments
in this case i should say the plotting has begun. i have started devising, along with assistance from a friend, a way to surprise Emperor that even He would have to be impressed by. today wasn't a bad day by any stretch. i was happy to see that throughout most of blogland the subbies were smiling about something or other. it's a wonderful rarified moment to be sure but a good one all the same. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for another friend who may be journeying off to visit with her Master this weekend. i'll be plotting here lol but i will be hoping to see Emperor quite soon. He does, after all, make me tickled to no end.

okay so after not eating all day and getting my hair coiffed i grabbed dinner and now i'm trying to figure out how to pull off this surprise. i need to get to working on that now actually. everyone be good and behave. if i don't fall asleep i might come back and blog some more.


falling in love again

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 No comments
wow wednesday again so soon. where the hell did the last week go? there wasn't anything major going on that i can remember except being swamped with work and even that wasn't so torturous that i couldn't get it done. i will admit i've been distracted by family issues and the sudden silence in my place since my mother has vanished to address the family issues.

it's made me miss Emperor, all of this silence. having Him here, laughing and letting me take care of Him would be so nice. this simple pleasure has made me do what i always do and take stock of life. save my grandmother's illness and my mother's worry i have no reason to be too upset right now. i love a man who is by no means perfect, but has qualities that could mean He's perfect for me. i am enjoying the gradual rebuilding of my own self-image into one that truly does think of His wants and desires even as i attempt to mesh them with my own. i daydream about coming home to Him and tidying up, making dinner and listening to some jazz before He bursts through the door saying "pet I'm home."

i daydream that on the surface we look like a very traditional couple as i put away His coat. i bring Him a drink and sit at His feet until He finishes running His hand through the nice big curls sitting on my head and announces He's ready for dinner. we eat and recount parts of our day we think need to be shared and after He's done, i clear the table. we sit briefly in the den as He finishes some paperwork and i read a journal or a book or something. He looks at me and i know to go shower and lay out the toys. i brush my hair down the way He likes it and kneel next to the bed. the rest is a blur depending on the level of depravity my brain has sunk to but i always end up tied to the bed, moaning and blissful. wonderful wonderful daydream.

I am nerdier than 77% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!
I am going to die at 81. When are you? Click here to find out!


all that i am part two

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 2 comments
i can wear out a perfectly good cd in no time. i am really enjoying santana's new one. the cd formula is contrived but pairing his nearly sexual (well for me anyway) guitar playing with popular genre crossing artists is a wonderful experience for me. the song that i thought i had listened to thoroughly came on and in the midst of the second verse i heard something new--or i at least paid attention to it.

You go and then I can finally breath in
Cuz baby I know in the end you're never leaving
Well we're rarely ever sane
I drive you crazy and you do the same

But your fire fills my soul
And it warms me up like no one knows

the bolded area is when i fell out laughing and actually had to play the song again. Emperor makes me blissfully happy and slightly nuts lol. and i can say with certain authority that the feeling is mutual. not because either one of us WANTS to antagonize the other but sometimes we just can't help it. the sad part is that tends to make us have the most horrific fight and then we're good, got it all out of our system. i think it's pent up sexual tension really lol. we aren't like this together. so we'll see what happens over the next few weeks of me having the place to myself and hopefully His schedule being able to mesh with mine again briefly.

talk to you all later if i think of something else to blog about


life according to carmen electra

Monday, January 23, 2006 No comments
okay so you know i really wouldn't be taking sage advice on my life and how to run it from carmen electra right? of course not, while she's learned to make fun of herself and appears very happily married she is still one of Prince's ex-girlfriends which means i can't take advice from her. you can't leave Prince, he's so goooooooooooooorgeous in his ambiguously sexy way. okay i'm all off tangent. so no i'm not taking advice on the world from carmen but i have to give a ringing endorsement for her stripper aerobics dvd series. i popped in the first dvd tonight and had a blast. it's remotivating me to get to the gym and now i am learning something sexy and fun in the process.

i'll probably bubble bath it again tonight and tonight will be different in that i can do whatever i want as loudly as i want because the house is momentarily all mine again. i'm not tickled about the reason but the freedom is great. my mother flew back to dallas today. her mother took a turn for the worse and we aren't sure she's going to get better. so she is headed back to shreveport with her sisters and brothers to be with her. i, of course, cannot take off for that and am just lucky we had those frequent flyer miles so that i could put her on the plane for much less than it would have been otherwise. so no free trip to see Emperor lol but maybe i can get Him down here to christen all the rooms in the place.

and speaking of Emperor, i am having a blast being His. i need to finish doing some work He gave me to do (can we say YEAH work lol) and report back to Him. He will be the first beneficiary i'm sure of the stripper routines lol. i love my Dom, i love my Dom lol. okay enough being giddy. y'all have a nice night.



who's afraid of baby jane

Sunday, January 22, 2006 2 comments
okay so i'm on a movie tangent at the moment and guess what this one may fit best. it is 10:05 am Sunday morning and i have been up since 9:30 am. which would not be a problem had i not gone to sleep at 3 ish am. why am i up may you ask? what would make me get up so freaking early on a Sunday morning when i probably hadn't slept six good hours yet? well that would be because of the woman that looks just like me and woke me up because she woke up "LATE" and someone took her paper. umm damn why not call them and tell them that, why in the hell must you wake up your VERY clearly tired child who as you noted the day before is cranky when she is up before she wants to be. yes, i know i'm thirty and yes i know she's my mother but i'm going to push her into the iron gate with my car if she doesn't stop it. yeah well as soon as i can find one she'd actually get crushed against and i get a new car, i love my baby now so she's safe lol. ever so pissed i'm awake, and i mean this with every fiber of my being. i already have to take care of her as it is and after the bubble bath incident literally she's going to make me lose it if i don't take a weekend off soon.

moving on, yesterday was funny and silly. my mother thought i was unconscious most of it and as such left me alone. i got up at eleven but since she didn't knock i just enjoyed the silence. i also processed the last two posts, imitation and imitation in color, and in doing so think i took another step for myself as well as have started having more probing conversations with both women and men i know in the lifestyle. not just asking for advice for my life and desires but for general knowledge growth. i have a small collective of people i trust and talking to them is helping me moving along in my thoughts about bdsm and my place in it. i momentarily considered this wasn't for me when i thought i was failing Emperor by not having learned more by now. ahh well it is a journey not a final destination or something like that. i will misstep, i will fuck up and i will apologize and ask to keep moving forward.

i've been feeling like we were at an impasse. that i was doing nothing to help us out and that venting here was just becoming some funky morass of emotions. the only thing that was clear that i love my Emperor, and of course i do. the setbacks are because of miscommunication and distance more than anything else. i wrote imitation and imitation in color because i needed to think those things through. the thoughts rushing around in my head just get jumbled and i speak to one here and then not the others and it ends up looking disjointed to me later. this purging and essentially final acceptance was as much for me as it was for Emperor. He visits from time to time but mostly once i come to some conclusion here i am better able to explain it to Him. and i have told Him this with i guess resignation in my voice lol but with no other reservations. He has taken it the way i had wanted and i think we are moving into a better space.

making Him happy is wonderful for me and the exchanges we are having just make me fall in love with Him all over again. sad i know, it hasn't been that long, but it's one of those things you do when you love someone. you find new things about them that make you just sit in awe of their place in your life. He gives me that routinely and i appreciate it when it comes. okay so i think we've come full circle with the post now. no more cranky about mom and making the contented sigh i make when i am feeling very pleasant. hope you all have a better morning than i had intially and that baby jane doesn't have to make a reappearance.

hugs and kisses

Which Goddess Are You?!? *with never before seen pics and goddesses*

brought to you by Quizilla

You are Lilith! Lilith is a Middle Eastern goddess of abundance, fertility and fecundity, the giver of agriculture to humans. The first women created and the first wife of Adam, she refused to be subordinate to Adam in any way. Lilith is associated with the owl, a figure of darkness and deep wisdom, for she is also a goddess of death and transformation. She is sometimes represented as a demonic figure, for her dark wisdom and her sexual energy can be very threatening. She is known to appear as a frightening figure in dreams. Lilith is associated with the lotus, and the symbolism of that flower tells you much about her. The lotus, an exquisite flower that grows out of dark, rank, decaying earth, represents spiritual unfolding and the blossoming of the heart of wisdom. Like the lotus, Lilith challenges us to look upon our dark side and incorporate it into our wholeness so that our great beauty can blossom forth.


my imitation of life in color

Saturday, January 21, 2006 4 comments
okay anyone that has seen the referened movie will know there are two versions, one that is now only available in color and that i have to make black and white most of the time i watch it. regardless it's fitting for phase two of this post so bear with me. i left you with on being sexual. i'll revisit that and move on.

on being sexual: you would think after the massive missive i just posted that sex would be the last thing on my mind. it is and it isn't. i crave Him much like i crave a nice rich piece of chocolate or kiss or a warm bath. i could have sex with anyone. i have been offered really good sex from people i know could back it up. but save an overwhelming desire to plant myself on my knees in front of Emperor nothing will ever come out of those situations. my sexuality is being defined in terms of my submission and nothing else rates very highly. i begged Him to hurt me yesterday, He laughed but He agreed and i was blissful. i just want that feeling to last whenever He touches me or allows me to touch myself. but then again i just want Him and everything else is just a pale imitation right now.

on being sexual again: wanting Him doesn't stop my body from reacting to other stimuli. a certain person's voice, the site of a gorgeous face or body are all very intriguing for me. combine this with the fact that i think i'm just one of those humans in which nearly anything can be made sexual i can stay pretty wired all the time. last night after i shook off the day i took the best bubble bath. i was very relaxed, feeling quite delightful in the water, and then i felt horny. i was tempted to get out of bed to find something to help with that when i saw a nearly empty phallic shaped thing that would work---you'd be amazed what i think is phallic shaped by the way lol. instead of jumping up for the vibrator me and phallic substitute became intimately acquainted and it was probably more enjoyable for me because i never really had to move in the water. it was all entirely too perfect the way it was. and my brain thought hmmmm if Emperor was here watching this i'm sure He'd call me a horny little slut and not only would He be right it would have made me hornier that He had observed me. i finished the bath and leisurely got dressed before resuming my search for a third. that set me off again except for a brief moment when someone questioned my service to Emperor. how i could i be looking for something or someone else, why wasn't my mind entirely focused on Him? if i could have guffawed at that moment it would have been loud and lengthy. i was only searching where i was because of Emperor. i could and would be perfectly delighted in doing nothing more than tending to Him for the rest of His natural life. i am waiting for other things to fall in place yes but my reaction to Him and responsibility to Him will not be altered as i wait. i keep these things for Him, these physicalities, because i want to see His face as He brings these things out of me. yeah yeah my wants again lol but only in service to Him.

on being needy: yes i can put it out there, as a sub, i am probably needy as hell. my life functions quite well from 8 to 5 unless i am distracted by Emperor. and after 5 i keep hoping that there will be a time that He can swoop in and just take over that which He has set in place. ahh one major problem, we're six hundred or so miles away from one another lol. beyond that He doesn't need that much from me on a daily basis from His own admission. it does make my overwhelming desire to please Him go slightly out of wack which makes me off and Him irritated trying to deal with all of that. it's an interesting dance to be sure and one i am trying to withstand so that i don't end up dancing alone.

on being His: i don't know if i can ever properly speak to this. shortly after we met the first time, He asked if i wanted to serve Him. well of course i wanted to serve Him, nothing else seemed nearly as important in that moment as what He was asking of me. what i'm sure that neither of us could know then is what that would mean for the other person. He got someone to train who was overly eager to be sure and i got to be led by a man who i trusted, was attracted to (you have no idea how many horrid Doms there are out there), and felt a connection to. since then, we have both grown and changed in ways that probably would seem foreign to those people. what i want to endure for Him, be for Him, would have made that woman break out in hives i am quite sure. He has to be wondering what He signed up for. this woman, the woman i am, is much more engrossed in the servitude than i'm sure it appeared i might be at the time. that surprises me so i know it has to surprise Him on some level. hopefully we will get over that shock and be able to settle into something good for both of us. if not then i will have to have a long talk with whatever higher power that sanctioned this connection lol.

okay enough babbling for now.


my imitation of life

Friday, January 20, 2006 2 comments
i could have easily titled this post on practicing patience but when i started thinking about what i wanted to say there is more to this moment than that. this may ramble and i will try to break it up and just to warn you this may also be rather long so if you keep reading and wonder when i'm going to shuddup it's your fault. okay let's start

on being patient: i have to say i am horrible at this. absolutely horrible. i got much better after my father died but i think it was because i was numb. then i think it was because he did't want me snapping off and hurting folks so he watched over me. well they can't watch forever and ultimately my patience had to be back on me. with some aspects of my life i am entirely too patient but that may because i could care less about what happens in those arenas. in other aspects of my life, the one that directly relates to this post, i am not patient at all. i want to be better now. i want to be with Him now. i want to know that He wants me now. when those don't happen i have a mighty fall and i am left to pick myself up again and promise not to revisit the spot. that's sort of where i am this morning but it's more than that which i will get to later. i rationalize my impatience by saying i just want to do better. i just want to make Him happy. i just want to do for Him what other subs do for their Doms. you can't rationalize an unproductive behavior and by all means my impatience is unproductive. loving Him doesn't absolve me from taking things slowly and as much as i would like to be at His beck and call i can't have that right now.

on being in love: i still haven't told HIM that. i won't unless He asks me. not because i'm afraid of His reaction but i just can't make my mouth open and say it. i am terrified of speaking them into existence because this situation, this man, this place is entirely different than the other times i gave life to "i love you" and at least for me there is more on the line. if the words ever come out of my mouth i want them to be give breath to a future and nothing more. so while yes i love my Dom, my Emperor, i'm too scared of fucking it up to do anything but what i'm doing it now.

on fucking up: lol of course we never do this intentionally but when it is done it is done in a big way. this typically happens for me when i am feeling like i am lacking and disappointing Him or when i am being impatient. i can't do things i would do in a vanilla relationship to pout or get my way. it doesn't work to begin with and it just ends up making Him annoyed in the long run. i don't like displeasing Him so i should stop and as of this morning that practicing patience thing will be done without pause.

on being broken: physically i have no idea what it would take to have me shudder into the big mushy pile i keep mentioning. He hasn't pushed me that far yet even though i hope He is motivated to do so soon. however, last night i helped Him break me down mentally. not intentionally and this could be deemed part of fucking up but it was done by the time i fell asleep. i feel like i failed Him utterly in my submission to Him. i never flat out said it but i was demanding a decision from Him that He was neither obligated to make or necessarily needed to. in my mind, however, i was doing what i should be doing and putting the onus on Him as the person that is responsible for our decisions. i have never felt so defeated and wretched in my entire life. a girlfriend tried to comfort me and i appreciate that but she was right about one thing. no matter how i moan about the situation when i wake up the next morning i will still love Him. that's what i fell asleep thinking and it could account for the oddness of my dream lol but it was a stark realization for me again. lol i'm crying as i type it, but as i told Him before i signed off for the evening i know better now that no matter what i want it always comes back to Him.

my protestations and anger aren't really about Him because normally He has done nothing to engender. they are about me feeling like i failed Him and being angry that i haven't done better. and that's when i realized literally for the first time that i had been broken. my thoughts circle back to making Him more pleased, more stable, more whatever i can. it's not a question of will i submit but how i can submit and this bitching i've been doing is because i was trying to fight that. i can't fight it though, i will lose each and every time. because i love Him, He won this battle a long time ago and i was just being too stubborn to see that. my eyes are open now. i just hope it's not too late.

ETA: on being sexual: you would think after the massive missive i just posted that sex would be the last thing on my mind. it is and it isn't. i crave Him much like i crave a nice rich piece of chocolate or kiss or a warm bath. i could have sex with anyone. i have been offered really good sex from people i know could back it up. but save an overwhelming desire to plant myself on my knees in front of Emperor nothing will ever come out of those situations. my sexuality is being defined in terms of my submission and nothing else rates very highly. i begged Him to hurt me yesterday, He laughed but He agreed and i was blissful. i just want that feeling to last whenever He touches me or allows me to touch myself. but then again i just want Him and everything else is just a pale imitation right now.


all that i am--santana inspired

Thursday, January 19, 2006 2 comments
okay so i am in my office still waiting for fallout from the note and i'm listening to the new santana cd all that i am. i like the cd a lot. he's done a good job of selecting artists to sing again as well as having a nice mix of just the band and some instrumental stuff. i am a little biased though as i have loved him since supernatural dropped and then went back to his older stuff. why am i talking about all of this??? oh okay because my thoughts are roaming around to a different soundtrack today mainly.

reading jo's blog today made me start thinking about me and Emperor of course. i've commented here before that i couldn't be a domme. i don't want that responsibility and as a submissive i've happily turned over that guidance piece to Him. we are struggling, i believe, is while He truly enjoys tormenting me--the daily tasks, mind games, and assorted other things don't appeal to Him when He can't readily see any benefit in them. He tells me when He needs things and i act accordingly. that SHOULD be enough but it's not. His invading other aspects of my life would make me happy. it makes me impatient and that's not helpful either. we communicate so differently though too. i sometimes think He's deliberately looking at what i'm saying for things to read in a totally contrary way just because He can. of course that is also probably me being on edge because i'm agitated but who knows. i should stop thinking so much.


it's a humpday two for one

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 2 comments
okay i know some of you must be thinking, damn she's moody. i am a few days a month lol and the rest of the time i am pretty normal and relaxed. while i am in the process of aggravating Emperor i have to say that i have never wanted His hands around my neck or grabbing my hair more than i do right now. this fuzzy gray muck i'm sinking into is by no means enjoyable. imagining Him snatching me out of it with nothing more than, ENOUGH pet!!!, has me intrigued and keyed into Him in the oddest way. i want Him to hurt me, to scare me, to bruise and injure me. i want Him to ferret me away somewhere and keep me sleep deprived and in a bit of terror. i want to be slammed firmly into the gray muck and then drug from it over and over again as He reforms me into what it is He most wants. i want to lose sight of myself and my wants and desires (sort of a catch 22 a that is a want to begin with lol) and be nothing more than a vessel for His pleasure. and then when that demented little beast inside Him has been sated i want to take a long bath together, tend to my minor aches and pains and then push Him over the edge. i'll be His naughty nanny and terrorize Him. i'll use all the delightful little impliments i have purchased over the last month on Him until He squeals and squirms and begs me to stop. and when i am about to pass out from my own massive orgasm i'll spank the living daylights out of Him and relax on the bed as He composes Himself. i'll roll over on my tummy and switch into yet another role for Him. and somewhere between then and my flight we will take turns being as depraved as two humans can be. the muck sucks but the mind has intense daydreams while there.

bye bye

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this was just funny, especially number five

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  1. Emperor cannot swim!
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it's hump day, how are you?

okay so the middle of the week has come and is working its way towards being gone. i have only had a few clients but tons have scheduled for the rest of the week and next week now that they are back. i did a few intakes and they were mundane. life clicked by pretty normally and for that i am grateful.

then i sent Emperor a note that i'm sure He will be aggravated by but it had to be done at this point. i typed a lot that i just edited out because it was unfair to the situation at hand. i just shared with Him a current frustration and it's in His hands as to how or when it will be addressed. regardless, i am much better for knowing and loving Him.

then i drove home and kept one song on repeat the entire trip. i'll post the lyrics in a second. i heard it on a cd that i got this weekend on the shopping trip from hell lol. i love etta james but this is a more recent etta cut that just seemed to capture what was going on in my head when i heard it initially and today it just soothed the 15 minute commute. to be in love is a wonderful feeling, to have that love returned would be divine.

love ya red

I can do what I want
I'm in complete control
That's what I tell myself
I got a mind of my own
I'll be alright alone
Don't need anybody else
I gave myself a good talkin' to
No more bein' a fool for you
And when I see you all I remember
Is how you make me wanna surrender


Damn your eyes
For takin' my breath away
Makin' me wanna stay
Damn your eyes
For getting my hopes up high
Makin' me fall in love again
Damn your eyes

It's always the same
You say that you'll change
Some how you never do
I believe all your lies
Look in your eyes
You make it all seem true

I guess I see what I wanna see
Or is my heart just deceiving me
And with that look I know so well
I fall completely under your spell

(repeat chorus)

You came deliberately deceiving me
Makin' me see what I wanna see

(repeat chorus)


had a cute title but oh well

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 No comments
i can't remember what it was now. i am hormonal and thus slightly moody. forgive me if i don't make sense again until thursday, ahh to be safe give me till friday. i really am just tired and i can't figure out why i can't stay untired. i sleep well i think. my dreams aren't disturbing me but my body feels wrung out and i really just wanna curl up with Emperor. but i can't so me and my elephant and princess bear are keeping each other entertained.

i had a pelvic ultrasound today. can i just say that nothing has been that horrid an unpersonal since people started inserting things in that general area? the doctor only asked why i was there and then gave me instructions. i mean it's not the most fun thing to do in the world as it is (32 oz of water on your bladder is no joke). ohh and joy of joys she had to do an internal exam because she couldn't get the picture she wanted of my ovaries. so after 20 minutes of this scope camera thing she was done and i have this icky feeling where she was pressing last. i just grabbed some food and went on home and got in bed. i doubt anything is wrong but i wouldn't know if it was because she said NOTHING lol. okay i'm gonna go now before the memory of this irks me even more.


and now a word from our sponsors

Monday, January 16, 2006 No comments
i have to say this so as to not confuse people. i am by no means a perfect submissive. i do what i can to make Emperor smile but just as often as He leaves me frustrated i'm sure i leave Him perplexed. we both have mood swings and when they aren't swinging in unison then we have issues. and it may be that we are just trying to force something that wasn't meant to be worked out. i know He's "awfully fond" of me lol and that there are moments when i surely delight Him but i can be a bit much sometimes, the care and concern can be smothering to some people. and i am dealing with someone who i know to be umm relationship phobic so my opting to stay means dealing with some of His more mercurial traits and habits. am i tickled about that? well of course not, no more so than He is about having a sub so far away whose main frustration is that she can't do more for Him and of course that plays out in our dynamic. we are a work in progress and the attention from others i'm getting is surely like that He's getting from those around Him. He's just not here to talk about nor would He more than likely if He was. i love Him madly and He does whatever He does toward me in kind. the distance is not insurmountable and periodically you can ignore me when i'm moaning and whining because i just haven't sat down and forced my schedule into compliance more often than not. i'm happy even if i'm not overjoyed. i'm content even if i'm not estatic. things between us will continue along at the clip they need to and for now i have to be good with that.

You're a rabbit fur flogger! You're so soft and fluffy and cute - but if wieled with sufficient force, you can still make an impact that will be remembered.
You're a rabbit fur flogger! You're so soft and
fluffy and cute - but if wielded with
sufficient force, you can still make an impact
that will be remembered.

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confessions of a submissive mind

Sunday, January 15, 2006 4 comments
okay excuse this first part as it has nothing to do with the confession piece. i rarely talk about sports here because if i did i could ramble on indefinitely. i love sports, nearly all sports, they entertain me greatly and i love the raw aggression of men's professional sports because they are so big and freaking quick. if you are a fan of this team i so apologize but i am not because i detest their quarterback. okay enough with the preamble----ding dong the witch is dead, peyton manning can join his brother on an early vacation yet AGAIN. no matter how talented that man allegedly is he is NEVER able to get over that proverbial hump. and i don't have to hear about him anymore this playoffs as the greatest thing since sliced bread. he can kisseth my submissive asseth. wooo yeah!!!! okay all done i promise.

i can't necessarily call the stuff that is about to spew out a confession more than some random ponderings but i was tired of calling posts ramblings so here ya go. this could have just as easily been titled on being wanted but that would have been ripping off a thought of a friend and would have only captured part of what is on my mind today. it's where i will start though. i am an African American female submissive (technically slave) to my precious and wonderful Dom/Master Emperor. most of the time, life is good as far as i am concerned. the distance is not desired and i am more than willing to not make it a barrier between us. He guards His privacy, and thereby my own, very intensely which i appreciate. He makes me think of no one else in this context period. He's what i want and i am good with that. here's the piece i've been struggling with as you all know. when He's not around or easily accessible i periodically worry. not just because, as we've discussed, i'm not in my mind the person He would look for first but also because He has constant access to women more aligned with His preferences. women who like myself are submissive and looking for an acceptable Dom. i mean if He's intriguing to me why wouldn't He be intriguing to them? and if they are more in tune with His preferences why wouldn't He be tempted to if not just take one of them who are closer and a better fit? yes, paranoid on my part and yes more than likely has no basis in reality but the thoughts come until they are fought away. i'm not sure if He would ever say more to me about this than pet stop it but maybe He should. what would work i am definitely not sure but it may recenter my brain on the task at hand. ahh well, moving on because i am not going to belabor that point right now.

as i mentioned in yesterday's post, the world is attending to my need for an ego stroke. it's nice to be sought after by people. to be told you are attractive to them and that they want to do unspeakably wicked things to you. another few offers to bounce on the propositioners tongue. another few Doms wondering if i might consider leaving Emperor and become their dutiful pet. their first and only pet with a certainty of being collared and cherished. don't worry, they haven't officially done anything inappropriate as i am as of yet uncollared by Emperor even though i no desire to go anywhere just because that has not happened yet. anyway, the attention is nice but it's not coming from the only person that really matters to me so it's somewhat hollow as well.

i am just rambling at this point. i know that unless i am released i'll be right where i am now if you came looking for me in three months. maybe a little more secure in my submission but still right where i am now, missing Emperor and wanting to do all that i can to keep Him happy.

okay going to go watch cartoons now so see ya

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the submissive's (slave's) world

Saturday, January 14, 2006 No comments
okay today has been a juxtaposition of my life in an assortment of ways. i woke up from a strange dream after killing a kitten before bed (RIP kitty). i was a stock trader or something and i kept making deals and then having sex with Emperor. that was so odd. anyway so i am up and showering and trying to find ONE of my black dresses because we were wearing all black for the photo today. so i'm getting dressed and either i tossed them all because they were uncomfortable or i lost them in transit but seriously the ONLY black heels i had in my place are three inches and up. i was actually supposed to wear them all for Emperor on my last visit to see Him but i digress. i'm dressed and ready to go after a long debate with my mother about my dress and then, because i was being lazy, i had her fasten me into the heels and i think too bad she can't do this for me when i am seeing Emperor as i hate strapping myself into those shoes.

the picture went fine but i went to bed late after the kitten massacre so i was tired. i holed up in my room and logged onto a site i had been on before and that i tend to visit when i'm pms'ing (read way too horny for words). as i am enjoying my solitude i start talking to one of my favorite sub sistas and simultaneously teasing her and being teased right back. it's always good talking to her and not feeling so abnormal (i mean this doesn't make me abnormal, i'm just strange). and i was promptly, if just briefly, snapped out of my subbie revelry by one of my close girlfriends whom i had to catch up on the week's events. we wrapped up and it was back to the site and my sista. after that it was off to my real life again.

i carted my mother around town for four hours and then ate and let her play in my hair. for four solid hours i was the mom again (our relationship is odd) and then i let myself be a little kid for a while before i crawled back in my bed. i'm quite sure another kitten will be sacrificed today. i knocked one off before the talking and after i had about thirty minutes of just silence. the site had a story that set me off. and now i'm ready to be His good pet. ready to care for Him and enjoy the satisfaction that only comes to me when i know He is happy. He is otherwise occupied though and i am left with this sudden spike in interest from men i do not want. i've been invited out of town, to sit on someone's face, to a dungeon and a few other places in the last forty-eight hours. save letting the little boy lick me while i do nothing to get him off none of the offers are ones i can seriously entertain right now. and the licking just makes for good fantasy (nipple clamps, extra large dildo, one leg kicked over the arm of the sofa and one leg over his shoulder keeping him locked in place umm le sigh) because for the moment i can't fathom letting anyone touch me that isn't Emperor or that He doesn't sanction.

i keep saying in the moment, right now, don't i? well that's my uber realistic borderline paranoid side kicking in. talking to another good friend last night it occured to me that even though i've said it here a billion times it seems, the words i love You in a way that has to mean nothing but hey i'm in love with You have yet to come out of my mouth when talking with Him. i can't pinpoint as to why either. i mean i am known to be a little reluctant to say that to men. the men i have fallen in love with have tended to react strangely to that phrase. early on it was a sign that i wasn't going to run away from them. the last ten years it has made men think she's never going to leave if i say it back. ahh let me assure you that is so not true lol. i have to talk myself into staying with people until i trust they want me there. that happens very infrequently and it could just be the type of men i have been in love with but without fail the reaction has been odd. so maybe i'm afraid He'll hold true to form with the others or that He'll plan the next forty years of our lives together. honestly i can't say. He makes me want to do better and be better and really that's all i could ever ask for on one hand. but, and there is always a but, i think i'm waiting for the magical mystical thunderbolt to hit and say yes He is yours. i should stop waiting for it because really i think one hit when we met and it just happened to tell Him that i was His. after that, nothing else really matters lol because really i am His.

and just to explain my post title today lol. my world is constantly merging my sub life and my vanilla life. my friends that are openly exploring and sharing their trials and tribulations in the lifestyle with me. those who are doing so privately but still sharing lol. the demands of my vanilla life and the sheer joy in sinking into my submissive posture and having no thought outside of is there anything i can do today to make Emperor smile. i was going to call this post the subbie's world of pure imagination. i adore that song lol, willy wonka was the best. but then it occured to me i don't have to imagine this world, this is my life now. i can imagine ways that it can get better but i don't have to worry about what it might be like to be His. i am His until He says otherwise.

come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination...(bye bye even)


oh happy day, oh happy day

Friday, January 13, 2006 No comments
okay not sure if any of you remember that song. the last time i saw it the kids were singing it in sister act 2 but i think the first time i saw it was during the final scenes of the wiz, not to be confused with the wizard of oz because well all the folks in the wiz were Black and diana ross and michael jackson still seemed normal (but looked eerily alike then). no particular reason why that song was rushing through my head either. i'm just happy.

work was tiring. tiring in a way that i haven't been in a while. predominantly just because it's been a long week. but i left work and got my hair washed and set. i'm feeling terribly girly at the moment even though i'm sure something will happen to make that not the case quickly. but while i was there i was flipping through a magazine and found a movie that i loved as it came out was rereleased because of the 15th anniversary of his release date. i LOVE the five heartbeats. if you have never seen it and like old motown kinda stuff you should definitely see it. i can hear them singing, i got nothing but love for you baby right now. and it came with a bonus cd so of course i had to order it when i came home because wally world didn't have it when i went in. i'll pick it up sometime tomorrow.

sometime this evening i am going to pin up the bouncy hair and sink into my bath junkie bubbles. it's time and i have most definitely earned it after this week. i have to take an organization picture tomorrow and then cart momma around before i'm back here to watch my dvd and hear them sing all loud cause i'm blasting it. there's a secret i'm harboring for the moment lol. if something comes of it i'll let you all know.

love ya


i am wired and i don't know why

Thursday, January 12, 2006 2 comments
it's amazing what a good cry does for the system. i was tired and stressed, and i'm still a little of both right now, when i wrote the tagged + some post (see below). and i was feeling both mentally and emotionally exhausted truthfully. i got a good cry in as i was writing that post and as i went to bed and then woke up and have been feeling great ever since. i'm not even too perturbed by the fact that i'm on call this upcoming long weekend of that i have no immediate plans with Emperor. our situation is what it is and i am not going to be depressed about it today at least lol. i cannot wait till saturday night, after my running around is officially done so i can slip into the corset and see how it fits. after that i'm going to step on the scale that i hopefully bought and can sit down and be still for a minute so that i can figure out when and how i'm gonna get rid of my tummy. i'll hook up the dvd player to the living room tv and maybe bust out the carmen electra strippersize dvds lol. yes it's cheesy but she's got trampy down and if i can get in shape and learn a nice twirl for Emperor what's the harm? i really am feeling a little like i need to go run around and do something productive after work but literally save cleaning up my room (not gonna happen by the way) there is nothing i need to do. maybe i'll go home and read one of my sub books. hmm, i really don't know? y'all be good.

love ya


okay, i feel better now

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 2 comments
thanks for the comments ladies. they were very helpful and nope we haven't talked today either but i tend to feel better after a good vent and cry. that's what i did last night during that post and i feel like a weight is off of my back. i haven't made any massive strides or decisions about the world at large. i'm just in a better mind state this evening and i am glad about it. nothing is going on in my subbie brain tonight that needs to be elaborated on. in a few days there may be more news on this topic or may not. i'll be back tomorrow of course lol and will probably be on a whole different tangent. oh and my frederick's of hollywood order showed up 5 days early. i'm so tickled lol.

eta: so i've been playing with the corset since i quit typing. seeing the bindings have just made me go YIPPPPPPEEE. sidra, before she left blogland, sent me a link to a site called their corsets are great, just out of my budget right now. plus i wanna get rid of the tummy so that when i am strapped in it just makes my chest look even more enormous than it already does now. i got it in red, of course lol, now but if i like it i'll be buying it in either white or black later. i'm a happy, happy girl.


tagged + some

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 2 comments
figured out the some lol. the tag will remain below but i figured it's easier to ramble up here than making you all scroll to the bottom. i am happy which is why this will come at random to most of you. i'm not sure what to do here. i have attempted to be my version of patient lol. it's not always the most effective thing but it's what i can do. i adore Emperor i really do but infrequent communication is not working for me today. i've been trying to do better, be better for Him and it's kept me calm when i otherwise might be throwing a tantrum. in the last month i've heard from Him three times. i know what's the big deal you are long distance after all? it's not a big deal to anyone but me and i just want more than i'm getting now. primarily because i wasn't always this detached from Him and that is probably what is causing me the most distress at the moment. ahh distress, pshh tosh i know. it's a sub's job to be there for her Dom and to suffer some unsettling moments as He so desires, right. it is i guess but today my nerve endings are frayed and i really just want to hear His voice. sorry started crying for a minute there. He wants what He wants and i think i want something more. without talking to Him i can't be certain but i can't talk to Him if He doesn't call back. i'm frustrated again for certain. i just don't know what the next move is for a change. i'm sure things will look better eventually but what i'll be looking at then i am totally unsure of.

okay enough

1. Have you had three-way or group sex? Yes

2. Have you had sex during menstruation? Yes, but I hated it

3. Have you had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender? Yes

4. Have you had sex in your parent's home? Yep lol I got started early and that's where my bed was

5. Have you had hot interracial sex? Umm no lol

6. Have you masturbated in front of another person? Frequently.

7. Have you had sex in a public place? Yes, the park was fun

8. Have you been filmed or photographed having sex? Yep, have destroyed the evidence though

9. Have you had anal sex? Yep, didn't like it till recently though

10. Have you masturbated today? No but I probably will

11. Have you had sex in a car? Yes

level 5
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You chose the girly (yet classy and elegant)
wedding dress.

What might your wedding dress look like? *Beautiful results*
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cuffed for your pleasure

first i have to thank sk for the new little quiz thingy. it was very funny and the handcuffs are too perfect. click for your own name acronym.

Ravishing Exciting Dame Vigorously Exchanging Lustful Vibrations and Erotic Touches

anyhoo, the morning is about seven steps beyond dull. i would much rather be back in my bed doing absolutely nothing but relaxing and then crunching some numbers i need for a report. i hate that i have let myself get so behind, it drives me nuts, but i am determined to finish all of it this month so i can put it behind me. it will also make Emperor happy, i hope lol, as He likes it when i do things that make me seem all intelligent and what not. of course i am a smart ass but i have to let go of that for JUST a little longer and get over this hurdle like immediately.

other than that nothing much is going on right now. i tracked my frederick's order and if all goes well it will be here between thursday and saturday. if not then it will arrive on tuesday and frustrate the hell out of me. i don't need any of the things right now most assuredly but if i suddenly get the urge to fly back to the midwest and seem Him i'd like to be properly attired. at this point i have several outfits He likes but these are partially for me and partially for Him. plus i want to see how the corset fits and if i can withstand waist training in the future. it's not something He requested at all but i love the overexagerrated femininity that is created by corsets. as i will never be flat chested again i might as well over accent the top half and reduce the middle some more. besides i like my breasts A LOT and anything that draws attention to them in private makes me happy. oh well, that's enough for now.

see ya


ms. jackson strikes again

as you all should know, the blog gets it's name in part due to the velvet rope cd by janet jackson. it's raining outside tonight, which wouldn't be a big deal but it hasn't rained here in months really. the water hitting my window made me just let my mind drift off and as it drifted i got sleepy and started missing my Emperor half way across the country. i briefly thought of the old woman in the back that could mess up the daydream but that was quickly warded off by thoughts of being in the rain with Emperor. licking and touching and playing and just getting wet literally and figuratively. not sure how productive that would be in four inch heels but it would be interesting until i stumbled and fell. does anyone have rain fantasies that actually move in real time? whenever i think of being in the rain it's slow and sensual and intense. complete with those silent screams of delight that contort the faces involved. feeling water on my skin and Him between my thighs would literally send me over the edge. i also get this creep recurring image of a scene from Bram Stoker's Dracula in which Lucy finds herself overcome with lust and in the garden geting ravaged by Prince Dracula in a furry form. by no means is Emperor hairy lol but it always pops into my mind now. that scene always intrigues me and i try to watch it alone from time to time so the tingling between my thighs doesn't have to embarass me. so as usual when my mind idles it thinks of kinky things which of course includes Emperor. okay enough blogging for tonight. the lyrics to the janet jackson song that was in my head while it was raining are below.

Making Love in the Rain

Making love in the rain, I can't believe the joy it brings me
And when I'm all alone, I hear the rain on my window

It's just a little thing, but it means so much to me
Our bodies together, while the rain plays a melody

[Janet] Every raindrop makes me think of you
([Lisa:] Wishing you were close to me)
There is nothing that I'd rather do


Making love in the rain, I can't believe the joy it brings me
And when I'm all alone, I hear the rain on my window

When it's stormy outside, it's calm in my heart, with you in my arms
And when you're away from me, I wish it would rain 'cause it's always
the same

Every raindrop makes me think of you
([Lisa:] Wishing you were close to me)
There is nothing that I'd rather do
([Lisa:] Rather do)


Making love in the rain, I can't believe the joy it brings me
([Lisa:] I can't believe)
And when I'm all alone, I hear the rain on my window
([Lisa:] On my window)

Every raindrop makes me think of you
([Lisa:] Wishing you were close to me)
There is nothing ([Lisa:] Nothing) that I'd rather do than
([Lisa:] That I'd rather do than)

Making love in the rain, I can't believe the joy it brings me
([Lisa:] Oh, oh making love)
And when I'm all alone
([Lisa:] All alone), I hear the rain on my window
([Lisa:] On my window, I hear it rain, yeah)

Making love in the rain, I can't believe the joy it brings me

Ooh, ooh ooh yeah
All alone, I hear the rain, I hear the rain
Oh, oh, oh
Oh no here comes the rain
Oh no here comes the rain
Oh no here comes the rain
Oh no here comes the rain


it's 10:30AM, do you know where your dom is?

Monday, January 09, 2006 No comments
okay so i'm feeling goofy this morning. does anyone remember those commercials from the late 80s/early 90s warning parents about all the mischef their children could be getting into just because they were unaware of their precise location? i do and i remember many a night i wanted to slap the television set. i am a teenager, of course i'm supposed to lie about where i'm going and who i'm going with. that's what teenagers DO after all. and even with the advent of cellphones and enforceable curfews i was still able to escape my mothers watchful gaze more often than not.

so fast forward a decade and a half, i have a new parental type figure in my life--one that i happily tell what i'm doing and where i'm going if He were to ask. but He doesn't lol. He knows where i'm supposed to be more often than not even if He doesn't know what i am supposed to be doing during that time frame. Emperor just knows that i am generally well behaved and anything with the hint of jail time will be actively avoided. that is comforting on one level, that He trusts me enough not to be worried about any trivial flirtations on my part (and i am a huge flirt) or that i will fail to do something i am supposed to do. i am after all a very good girl lol. but i am still a girl/woman/whatever so of course my mind also periodically entertains the "well why doesn't He ask me what i'm doing" question. there is absolutely no reason for all of that lol and i know that it's just one of my typically girly moments but oh it's annoying when it happens. not to mention it then makes me worry about what He is off doing for the exact same amount of time if not longer. i eventually get over that too but yeah that is more than annoying.

it makes me worry which makes me paranoid which makes me moody until that wave of calm washes over me and i feel better again. strangely enough it's usually when i'm talking about Him but not meaning to that everything settles back down and i can function again. well function is overstating it. i still get things done, i may even be more productive then, but i guess i mean i can step back into the subverse with no stress. part of me things this would be entirely easier if i was closer to Him but then i worry about other things, constantly sore bottom and a slight ankle sprain come to mind, as part of that arrangement. it would be good for my psyche though. i hate thinking He needs me or something that i can give Him and we're no where close to one another. at least if i was in town, He'd have the chance to say--"no pet, I don't need anything tonight" or "be ready in an hour, I'm coming to kidnap you and you are going to like it." ahh a girl can dream right lol. plus we haven't talked about that in a while and in light of a recent change in His life He may not even want that anymore. yeah He probably does but as i am one of those right brained people i like the confirmation. oh well enough for the moment otherwise i'll start telling you about this naughty dream i had that somehow involved us playing the stock market for sexual favors lol.

have a good one


no mush, just rambling

Sunday, January 08, 2006 3 comments
okay i really have no idea what i'm gonna say tonight. i'm not feeling particulary "mushy" today. i checked on Emperor as i tend to do to make sure that He is doing well. i ran around blogland. i attempted to make sure that my blog stocks were doing well (, it's very addictive by the way) and i enjoyed a somewhat leisurely day with mom and my headache brought on by shopping with mom. i got a used copy of mr. and mrs. smith though so i'm happy. i'll watch it sooner or later lol. i love angelina jolie because she is just so freaking indifferent to being liked by the world at large. i respect her for that. we spend entirely too much time worried what other people think of us. of course there are things we have to keep private for our own well being but it isn't the same as making nice just to be loved.

i am missing my Emperor but it's really just something i'm used to at this point. we speak when we both have time and the rest of the time i entertain you good people with my meandering mind. my mind is now all aflutter because i got the last piece of my fantasy scene arrived yesterday. i'm sure you are wondering what else are you waiting for you already told us of the other assorted gadgets lol. the nipple clamps showed up. the package looked pretty ordinary but my extra batteries were missing, only downside to shopping on ebay. they are horrible little bastards (i have to agree with taylor) but the vibration is ohhh so lovely. it would be nicer if they had a remote but the little twist controls are great too. i'm not sure what He is going to think of the scene but it will turn me into a gushing sub if it goes off without a hitch. that is of course in addition to the scene that is running along in my head with the fantasy one.

Master Enigma's "surprise" post revived a memory in my brain of a few conversations between Emperor and i. when we first started communicating about the lifestyle and how our vanilla worlds had collide with this one there was a common type of "scene" between us. a male intruder spies a comely young woman alone in her apartment. whatever he originally came for gets tossed aside as he plans to have his way with her. he overpowers her and she struggles against him. she is afraid and doesn't know what he wants but begs for him not to hurt her. he plans on hurting her anyway but in a way they might both enjoy. he restrains her and strips her and fucks her into a happy place. they lie their panting and sighing and she kisses her attacker for playing along with her so well. the fact that we both shared the daydream and had acted it out more than once wasn't the point. the fact that it never got as intense as it could was the point. with someone that understands the need to be pushed and taken into a place that is detrimental to some was most definitely the point. i would allow Him leeway with me that i wouldn't give to anyone else and He knows that i want the pain that can accompany us REALLY getting into "character." seeing Master Enigma's play by play just reignited that itch in me lol. ahh the lovely feelings lol.

okay i better go. there's a stiff hard one under my bed waiting on me.

love ya


apparently i'm mushy or mush like

Friday, January 06, 2006 3 comments
over the last three or four days, friends that know me as the sarcastically inclined alter ego have been calling me mushy. don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with mushy but that adjective and me should never really be put in the same sentance unless we mean i'm mushy because i've orgasmed so many times that i can't feel anything but warm fuzzy feelings. that i could tolerate but that's not what they mean. they mean mushy as is in girly and sappy and sentimental and i protest damn it lol. i'm not mushy i'm introspective. this time of year i always take stock of my life to date. this year i am happy. happier than i've been in a while.

my last degree is nearly done, praise GOD, and my family is both happy and healthy. the adjustment to life with my mother hasn't been too traumatic and i am actually cooking dinner on a regular basis. not always the healthiest things but better than eating out. work is good. and then there is Emperor. my sadistic, funny, sarcastic, entertaining Emperor. no things aren't exactly as i'd like them but what is there makes me entirely too tickled. so yes some of my normal sarcastic outpouring has deteriorated but it will be back i promise lol. just give me a minute and allow a few folks to piss me off i swear i'll be the evil woman you all know and love. okay evil is a bit much. but you know the sarcastic stuff will be back. oh well that's enough for now. i am happy and introspective and NOT mushy lol.


2600+ hits (wish a few more were on my backside)

Thursday, January 05, 2006 2 comments
2500 hits came and went so quickly i didn't have time to update you. the rope is inching toward 3000 hits slowly but surely. it makes me happy that everyone is finding something interesting to read. i hope i'm not being too off the map sometimes lol but my brain is a constant jumble of thoughts after work. sorry if i am lol.

i came home and got the honor of cooking dinner after asking the nice old lady living with me what she wanted about seven times. after we ate, i got to wash her hair and then i climbed into bed and slipped on my pjs. yes it was in the wrong order lol. but it was necessary. i then toyed with the items i got from bath junkie today and delighted in the fact that my new clothing selections were shipped by frederick's yesterday i think. that's when i got the email anyway. they will be here in about a week at this point. saturday after i finish running her around the city i'm on a self-care break. i need to enjoy my bath crystals or bubble bath or bath oil in peace and a bit of quiet. i think i'll play cds during that time.

and i will dream of Emperor. i will daydream about Him ordering me into the tub to prepare myself for Him. i will daydream about toweling off after i have gotten all clean and shaved and sufficiently moist for Him. i will wear something skimpy and restricting and put on those lovely fishnet hose He enjoys so much. i'll strap on those four inch heels i finally stopped eyeing and bought because He was coming to see me. i will kneel next to where He has opted to sit and ask for permission to allow my face to brush His knee. i will sigh heavily because for the most immediate moment nothing else will matter but the person who has the ability to both make me scream in joy and pain and be terribly excited about it. i will sit very still as He ties me up and tells me all the depraved things He will do to me that day and informing me that i will love every minute of it. He's right of course. i do enjoy the pain, not only because He enjoys giving it to me but hey i just as easily could have been named pain slut. back to my daydream though. i will wince and squirm as He fastens the nipple clamps to my breasts. i will wonder what possessed me to put on this corset so tightly as my breathing becomes strained under the blows from the crop, whip, flogger and paddle He has carefully removed from the toy chest. my body will betray me, only getting more mellow and needy as He runs His fingers over the nice welts He has created on my backside. i will crave Him until He pushes me over the edge of the chair or table or sofa or up against the wall and takes what He wants from me--roughly, repeatedly and with no thoght to any possibility of resistance from His pet. and we'll be back in the shower and i'll clean Him up and dry Him off before i make His dinner and sit at His side again. yep that's what i'll be thinking about during my bubble bath.


with my hand over my heart

Wednesday, January 04, 2006 No comments
okay title may be misleading or what not but it's the only way i could think to capture what it is i want to say. i've been off reading in blogland again, and every sub knows that's now alway the best idea lol especially if we aren't with the one we serve at that precise moment. i can't say it's been a bad thing tonight but my brain is racing again so i needed to let this out and hope it makes sense at the end of it.

for the last six months i have been getting to know and ultimately love the person you all know as Emperor. He is the sole reason this blog and this part of my identity exists. through all of my tantrums, my ups and downs, my longing and doubt, He has been there and i have never really wanted to be anywhere else. for a while now i've known that no matter what i might say to myself about the situation, He is precisely what i want. i have also felt for quite some time now that i am not quite positive He is on the same wavelength with me. it's one of those things that women worry about. am i what He wants? can i be all that He wants me to be? does He want me to be anything lol? truthfully, i do not know and i cannot really know that if He chooses not to tell me as much.

it is that conundrum that Master Engima addressed before. is it wise for a sub to love her Master when it is possible that those feelings will never be returned? i still don't think that i could serve and submit without loving the person that receives that gift but in a sense it may be a skill that i have to acquire if Emperor and i ever part. i am not prepping for a departure ladies and gents i'm just thinking out loud. much as taylor described tonight, the hunger to be with Him is never staved off too long. that desire fuels several other things and periodically it just makes the anxiety and fear overwhelm me. He's never said you are not at all what I want pet nor has He said you are completely wonderful pet lol. He tells me enough to keep me happy but not enough to make me totally secure. and i assuredly understand that it's not His job to give me that feeling. it's something i have to nurture within myself as well. but every now and then the right words would feel just as lovely as His fingers do when they are preparing to flog the living hell out of me lol. i want to Him to use and torment me just as much as i want Him to speak to me about silly things, envelop me into His world even though we are hundreds of miles apart.

i am not confused or moody or upset. i'm just missing Him and the sheer elation hearing His voice brings me. and part of me wants to know that He gets some benefit from having me in His life beyond the knowledge that some woman adores Him madly. and of course i do lol we all know this. so with my hand tucked firmly between the breasts He gets to abuse at will i know that this calmness is because of Him and this quiet joy is because of this situation. i could ask for more and there are a billion things i could potentially ask for but knowing that i made Him as happy as He has made me i could sink my little subbie heart off to sleep peacefully for a good long while.

hugs and kisses everyone


basking in silliness

okay i thoroughly enjoyed seeing my 150 up all day and what not. i got off early today because i had a doctor's appointment. there was nothing wrong. just going in my girly checkup and to get something to help mitigate the pain i'm in over that special time of the month. my doctor was very cute but her voice would drive me nuts. she wants to do one more checkup to make sure that there is nothing wrong with my organs and is causing the pain i'm in. sounds scary huh? for some reason i'm not that worried. the worst she could say is hey red you can't have babies. it would be traumatic and what not but unless Emeperor was desperate to have kids with His pet i think i'd get over it. if He needed that then of course i'd be a puddle but that's not likely to be the case. something wrong with my organs that is lol. save the pain, everything functions as it should on a regular basis. it would probably function better if it got its daily or weekly dose of Emperor but hey a girl can be patient lol.

i am blessed to have god friends and to know good people who keep me giggling. for the next hour or so i'm going to make fun of my mother and beat her at monopoly lol. i'll maybe be back to edit this but if not hope everyone is well.


it's the rope's sesquicentennial post

Tuesday, January 03, 2006 8 comments

or in other words welcome to post 150 from your mouthy patroness, red velvet. i was turning eleven the year texas turned 150. as i was born and (mostly)raised there i figured that picture would serve quite nicely as my 150th post marker. instead of double posting today if i need to add to this later you will just see the standard ETA (edited to add) at the conclusion of this post. don't have anything special planned for the day. i'll be getting off early and taking my mother to get her nails done. and then i will be taking us both home and probably to get some food because i am not going to feel like cooking after all of that.

work is slow but Emperor is happy so that is all good in the grand scheme of things. i really wanna go to bed now. wow thus far this post is quite dull lol. i spent more time looking for the photo than i did typing this. so either i'm typing too fast or i really don't have anything to say right now lol. guess i'll be back to edit it later on. y'all have a good one.

ETA: okay today was boring as hell but being out with my mother and letting her enjoy the city was good. we did our nails, i got my pedi thank the Lord, and then we went shopping and out to dinner. all in all some good time together out and about but of course i'm tired.

Emperor is still very happy and i am glad about that. when i came home and was finally holed up in my room i could open the package from the sub-shop and play with the toys i bought. i REALLY REALLY REALLY like the crop. it makes the most delightful noise whirling through the air. the other toys are equally impressive. i love the sub-shop i swear. and they are having a sale, 30 percent off of all bondage gear in case you were wondering.

i am horny damn it. i wanna go see Emperor. but since i can't i'll have to kill a kitten and call it a night.


being good is easy, good @ being bad is an art

Monday, January 02, 2006 2 comments
okay so this post will ramble and may include bitching, moaning, bragging or somehow lusting after Emperor. you have been warned so if you keep reading and it takes ten minutes of your life do not blame me lol.

despite all my bemoaning of my fate to have my mother moving in, things really aren't that bad. now that she has a room that is good and set up she actually uses it and leaves me alone more than she did before. the togetherness was driving us both nuts mainly because i really am a home body and my mother, much like my brother, is the exact opposite. we're getting into a beter rhythm with one another and she is learning that when i wanna come out of my "shell" and play nice i will but when i don't it's best to let me sit and be still. the shopping spree made me exhausted but it's better now than later and best of all no more snoring lol.

i am officially off call right now. i dropped off the emergency phone and got to meet new adorable children who once again made me want some for nanoseconds. the crying, colic, shots, germs, snot, vomit, poopy diapers and general irritable disposition from time to time just makes me say yeah no not right now. but i am 30 so i want to have them sooner than later. but i also want to travel the world, be tied to furniture in lots of exotic locales and become an indispensible little pet to Emperor. you know those rare moments when the world seems good and life feels right and nothing could ever feel better than this precise piece of time? that's what i'm having at 1:42 pm central standard time. i haven't talked to Emperor in days but i'm not insecure or irate or irritable about that. yes i know minor progress but for me progress nonetheless. and i am allowing myself to develop in all areas of my life in addition to our life on this path. over the last week i bought things to make me feel all cute and girly as well as some things that will make Emperor blush at least momentarily. i made the last purchase last night--wireless vibrating nipple clamps. the last story i wrote for Him had them incorporated so i figured i might as well take it and run with it. one of us or hell both of us will be enjoying the contradiction of sensations quite soon.

i love this moment and i love Him. i've come off that natural subbie high to stop gushing about Him in that oh my God He's the love my life kind of way. i love Him deeply. He makes very happy and i hope that i do the same thing for Him. that way i can keep dreaming about the next time His hand will caress my cheek, smack my ass, or wrap rope around my wrists and ankles. or the next time His voice whispers the develish things He has in store for me now that i'm completely helpless and unable (hell screw the unable, i wouldn't want to anyway lol) to escape Him. i miss Him greatly and i cherish all that He has brought to my life. i love my mother and am glad she is okay and with me and will get to know Him eventually. i love my family and am very proud of them. now at 1:55 pm central standard time i am still in love with my life and those people. yep things are good lol.

be blessed

You're Babar the King!

by Jean de Brunhoff

Though your life has been filled with struggle and sadness of late,
you're personally doing quite well for yourself. All this success brings responsibility,
though, and should not be taken lightly. Life has turned from war to peace, from damage
to reconstruction, and this brings a bright new hope for everyone you know. These hopeful
people look to you for guidance, and your best advice to them is to watch out for snakes.
You're quite fond of the name "Celeste".

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

You're Nevada!

People are constantly mispronouncing your name, and this has provided you
with a lot of frustration over the years. You prefer silver to gold, sagebrush to trees,
and cards to sporting events. There is almost nothing you aren't willing to lay down a
wager on, and others seek you out for advice on their own wagers. You don't take marriage
terribly seriously, though you are one of its biggest proponents. Far too often these
days, others are mistaking you for an industrial-strength garbage bag.

Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

You're a Llama!

Wild and wooly, you are not above kicking and spitting for what you
believe in. At the same time, you can be soft and warm to those you know and trust.
You really enjoy the rarified air of the highest places in life. Your favorite
computer game of all-time is SimCity. And no matter how many times you tell them
otherwise, people keep insisting that you're enlightened.

Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

What Color is Your Soul? {8 results + artsitic pics}

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bast, egyptian goddess
Who is Your Inner Egyptian Goddess

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You're like a Dragon!

?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
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the dragon is one my tattoos incidentally lol

scary movie
You're living the movie Scary Movie!

?? Which Horror Movie Are You Living ??
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