who's afraid of baby jane

okay so i'm on a movie tangent at the moment and guess what this one may fit best. it is 10:05 am Sunday morning and i have been up since 9:30 am. which would not be a problem had i not gone to sleep at 3 ish am. why am i up may you ask? what would make me get up so freaking early on a Sunday morning when i probably hadn't slept six good hours yet? well that would be because of the woman that looks just like me and woke me up because she woke up "LATE" and someone took her paper. umm damn why not call them and tell them that, why in the hell must you wake up your VERY clearly tired child who as you noted the day before is cranky when she is up before she wants to be. yes, i know i'm thirty and yes i know she's my mother but i'm going to push her into the iron gate with my car if she doesn't stop it. yeah well as soon as i can find one she'd actually get crushed against and i get a new car, i love my baby now so she's safe lol. ever so pissed i'm awake, and i mean this with every fiber of my being. i already have to take care of her as it is and after the bubble bath incident literally she's going to make me lose it if i don't take a weekend off soon.

moving on, yesterday was funny and silly. my mother thought i was unconscious most of it and as such left me alone. i got up at eleven but since she didn't knock i just enjoyed the silence. i also processed the last two posts, imitation and imitation in color, and in doing so think i took another step for myself as well as have started having more probing conversations with both women and men i know in the lifestyle. not just asking for advice for my life and desires but for general knowledge growth. i have a small collective of people i trust and talking to them is helping me moving along in my thoughts about bdsm and my place in it. i momentarily considered this wasn't for me when i thought i was failing Emperor by not having learned more by now. ahh well it is a journey not a final destination or something like that. i will misstep, i will fuck up and i will apologize and ask to keep moving forward.

i've been feeling like we were at an impasse. that i was doing nothing to help us out and that venting here was just becoming some funky morass of emotions. the only thing that was clear that i love my Emperor, and of course i do. the setbacks are because of miscommunication and distance more than anything else. i wrote imitation and imitation in color because i needed to think those things through. the thoughts rushing around in my head just get jumbled and i speak to one here and then not the others and it ends up looking disjointed to me later. this purging and essentially final acceptance was as much for me as it was for Emperor. He visits from time to time but mostly once i come to some conclusion here i am better able to explain it to Him. and i have told Him this with i guess resignation in my voice lol but with no other reservations. He has taken it the way i had wanted and i think we are moving into a better space.

making Him happy is wonderful for me and the exchanges we are having just make me fall in love with Him all over again. sad i know, it hasn't been that long, but it's one of those things you do when you love someone. you find new things about them that make you just sit in awe of their place in your life. He gives me that routinely and i appreciate it when it comes. okay so i think we've come full circle with the post now. no more cranky about mom and making the contented sigh i make when i am feeling very pleasant. hope you all have a better morning than i had intially and that baby jane doesn't have to make a reappearance.

hugs and kisses
red


Which Goddess Are You?!? *with never before seen pics and goddesses*
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You are Lilith! Lilith is a Middle Eastern goddess of abundance, fertility and fecundity, the giver of agriculture to humans. The first women created and the first wife of Adam, she refused to be subordinate to Adam in any way. Lilith is associated with the owl, a figure of darkness and deep wisdom, for she is also a goddess of death and transformation. She is sometimes represented as a demonic figure, for her dark wisdom and her sexual energy can be very threatening. She is known to appear as a frightening figure in dreams. Lilith is associated with the lotus, and the symbolism of that flower tells you much about her. The lotus, an exquisite flower that grows out of dark, rank, decaying earth, represents spiritual unfolding and the blossoming of the heart of wisdom. Like the lotus, Lilith challenges us to look upon our dark side and incorporate it into our wholeness so that our great beauty can blossom forth.