happy 200th posts and etcetera

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 4 comments
okay so this is the 200th post and there may be a lot of ground to cover. first, who knew i'd have so much to say in the course of six/seven months. glad you all stuck around and welcome to the newbies.

briefly, we did get word today and we all did get drunk. of the three men involved only one will be remaining home with his family. the two others, nice tall man included, will be leaving for basic training on friday and will only for certain be stateside for the next six weeks. after that, what they have to do and where they have to go will be determined by a body that has nothing to do with the four bodies to which i am most concerned about. friday night the drinking will commence again and i will attempt to not do the massive weeping girly thing. i mean i don't want the man i just met and who makes me very tickled to disappear just yet. thanks to one of the four aforementioned bodies (say that four times fast) i am aware that the feeling is mutual but still does nothing to relieve that slow burn. i am worried about his daughter and what having daddy so abruptly uprooted from her life will mean for her. i am worried that he'll see and have to do things he won't be able to erase from his brain or conscience anytime soon. and i worry honestly that he just won't be back at all, as we seem to never be leaving these places that don't want us and people are dying at such a clip that i have totally stopped listening to the number because it just outrages me. that's not a worry i'm going to entertain as much as humanly possible. until we know where he has to go and what he has to do this is all unnecessary worry even if it is based in reality.

instead i'll keep having those lacking in reality fantasies. lacking in reality only because they haven't been done because at this point i think we both REALLY want them to not just be daydreams. the situation may have sped things along but i am a ridiculous flirt and he apparently needed a good flirt. plus, and i can say this with all honesty, our mutual friend seemed to read us both well and gave usboth a gentle nudge. well she tried before. i wasn't really trying to go there just then. but as soon as i was officially free i was more than willing to at least have the conversation. and that's what we have been doing since then. having interesting, silly, flirty conversations that spawned that last post. and what a lovely post that was.

there is still a massive amount to learn about him. what i do know of him makes me glad that we've at least had the last few days to speak to one another. he's just cute to me and makes me blush and i am so not with the whole blushing thing on a regular basis. i am still quite fascinated what it would be like to be cradle against his chest as we slept. but right now that's not the image that is ruling my alcohol tinted brain. we're kissing in my bed. he's playing in my hair and it makes me sigh. the kiss breaks and he let's his hand brush against my cheek. i sit up remembering our bodies are connected and revel in the feeling of being with him. slowly and gently we continue to float off into that time standing still space that sometimes comes about when you are being impulsive. talking and touching, kissing and giggling, there is no wanton panting slut in this daydream. just a woman wanting a man that has intrigued her, trying to please them both, and immensely enjoying just having him near her. there to touch, smile at, kiss, hand over a chord of rope to when he finally asks for it lol. you know perfectly subbie daydream.

good night for now


sorry i'm not a virgin, sorry i'm not a slut...

Monday, February 27, 2006 3 comments
for some reason i've been listening to christina aguilera's stripped a lot lately. during one of the interlude like songs she utters the title of this post along with some other stuff but those stood out to me. i have been joking about being hypersexual the last few days but really it's closer to the truth than not. almost anything can be made sexual for me from brushing against me when we are doing something mundane to gruffly stating my name in an unexpected place. in either case my body feels flush all of a sudden and spending four or five or twelve hours sating myself on the object of my desire would be just delicious. that would be key there, i can't do it for anyone anymore. i think i lost that ability with my ability to function on two hours of sleep a day somewhere around the end of undergrad. i wasn't indiscriminate but i did have a small collective of men that were willing to pleasure me at a moments notice and who if they failed to do so were easily and readily replaced.

now, especially now, as i have stumbled into the whole bdsm arena full steam ahead my desires have been even more channeled than they were before. what used to seem like a good idea has become a necessity for me to fully explore what makes me tick sexually. i can get myself off quite nicely alone. good old manual stimulation and a good memory can shove me over the edge. but thinking of being his, at this point a mythical his lol, can make me simmer and burn all day. thinking of waking up and greeting him with a nice long wet blow job brings a smirk to my face. being shoved into a hot steamy shower and fucked hard against the bathroom wall starts a tingling sensation down my back. being forced to get dressed and wear something highly constrictive off to the office makes me wish i had brought the nice pocket vibe to work. coming home and taking care of daily living things can taper it off a bit. but imagining being under his thumb when all the other distractions of the day have faded stokes the flames up full blast. i do have to thank my former him for helping me develop a healthy appreciation for white rope against my skin but it just feeds into the fantasy at this point. seeing my hands tied tightly with the rope makes me tremble. seeing that rope suspended to bar above my head and feeling my thighs spread apart as my ankles are locked into the spreader bar and all i can do is sigh deeply because if i touched myself then it would just make me start screaming. i feel the crop cut into my skin, the flogger slap areas already made tender by the nice paddle full of holes, the clamps being cranked up and the pain shooting through my nipples bringing me to tears. the pain subsides, my hands are lowered but not freed, my ankles are unlatched long enough to push me face down on the bed. somehow he grabs both the loose rope attached to my wrists and my hair simultaneously as he uses me roughly and repeatedly until he is spent and lays me on my side a panting wanton slut solely existing to please him.

slut, that word would detract from the title but then again i wouldn't be A slut i'd be HIS slut which is a different process in my brain. i don't exist to please any and everyone anymore. i exist to please him. in all of my travels before now that's what i have been seeking and will hopefully find in all its glory. i am finally a self-aware woman who greatly enjoys sex. i enjoy the nexxus of my body meeting his. i enjoy losing track of time as his tongue invades my mouth and his hands explore the flesh that he can manipulate, tease or pleasure at his will. my body adores responding to the flood of sensation that overwhelms me until my brain is just functioning at the most basic of levels: do what is enjoyable. lick, caress, grope and fondle whatever comes close to you. give yourself over totally to the person there with you and trust that we will both be falling over on our sides panting sated blobs.

at this stage of my life i'm a few years away from being a non-virgin nearly two thirds of my life. i had sex before i knew what that really meant and what it could mean for me long-term. save buying stock in trojan at one point (would have been a GOOD investment at the time even though again that was a lot of sex with one person) i cannot say i regret any of my progression to now. puritanical mores never really sunk in my brain with regards to sex and it's allowed me to see all the levels of the lifestyle with open eyes. in speaking with the new him, i've realized how intensely sexual i am from time to time. Emperor wasn't asexual or anything we were just sexually expressive in different ways. i haven't asked him directly but it seems as if new him might be more on the same page with me in that respect. and if we aren't, just imagining wrapping my limbs around his 6'8'' inch frame is making me come to a slow burn. thinking of him overwhelming me and make me tremble stokes the flame that much more. daydreaming about kissing him, tasting his skin and hearing him sigh my name (i have no idea what it is about men sighing my name) in contentment is making me wish i had that teleporter again. ahh well you can see my lusty self is re-emerging slowly but surely. it may just burst out of me if things go well tomorrow (well i guess later on today) and i am forced to ignore all of you long enough to see where exactly my body curls against someone over a foot taller than me.

okay as usual, i've rambled enough. see ya


inching toward 200, say goodbye to 4000

Saturday, February 25, 2006 1 comment
okay i haven't done a random stats post in a while and this part of the post will be brief. a few days ago the rope saw it's 4000th unique hit and thanks to all of you that have visited in that time. it's nice to know i'm not so odd and random that no one is interested in what i have to say. in addition to the now 4100 plus of you that have come through, i am two posts away (after this one) from hitting my 200th post period. lord i talk a lot lol. well of course i do otherwise i would have chosen a different job. oh well enough of the happy happy numbers crunching.

i am typing this on my brand new laptop which i have to say is sooooooooooooo wonderful. huge screen, huge harddrive, multiple USB ports (i found the other two by the way i'm a dork lol). i just need to transfer the files from my old system to this one and i have moved into the thin and lightweight medium of laptop ownership. one of my silly movies went off (simply irresistible) and now night at the roxbury is on. i am about to change it though, i'm not feeling this brain dead yet. i woke up a few hours ago and have been playing on the blogshares website. helping to clean out blogs there is earning me about a billion a pop and is increasing my available cash balance which is fun. i'm a dork as i mentioned before lol.

the universe i operate in offline was hit by a wave of bad news. several of the men we know were notified that they may have to report to active status and depart the lives of the women that know and love them. husbands, boyfriends and fathers may be heading off to iraq or afghanistan or wherever else we are still "at war" but not "at war." they will know for certain on monday but that makes for a long weekend for all involved, including myself as the nice new man is amongst the collective. i'm not really worried about my involvement in that piece of it. we just met and i do find him ummm yummy but i'm more worried about him and his daughter. she's not old enough to be logical about it. all she'll know is daddy is gone and since he's the only parent she has this could seriously be a bad moment in her life. i remember the moment, my father was almost sent to the first iraq squirmish but was allowed to stay at the last minute. i'm hoping this is just a pause for all of them, an uncomfortable weekend at best because the loss in this case is more than i think anyone is currently prepared for. keep the women that love all of them in your thoughts please and let's keep our fingers crossed that on monday when everyone is getting blitzed out of their minds it's out of happiness. because we will all be getting blitzed on monday one way or the other lol.

okay enough of my ramblings now


general update

Friday, February 24, 2006 2 comments
okay folks i know it's probably seemed like a long time since i said anything lol, compared to how i used to post definitely, but really i am just getting a moment to sit still and tell you all of this.

as much pain as i was in the last week and the confusion i've felt i was under for much longer than that, i am blessed with an amazing sense of clarity right now. i kept trying to be still thinking that meant not to walk away from Emperor and what i thought we were building towards. the message didn't make sense to me until He was telling me that He preferred her to me. i can't really explain it here well but just know that i felt a wave of calm and peace wash over me as i saw what was going to unfold there now. i'm not saying we'll be getting back together or that i'm even secretly hoping that will occur. i will say that the message itself made complete and utter sense and i can take it for what it is now. i've shed "pet" over the last forty-eight hours and the few times we have spoken it's basically been me making sure He was resting and that He was safely on His trip. i'm okay with that too, He wants to keep in contact so we will and if He needs me i know that i will be there to lend Him an ear after all He allowed me to get to the place i'm at now. not to say He's some great svengali but without His guidance i never would have embraced my submission for what it is.

if you ask me if i still love Him of course i do, you can't shut that off overnight. well i guess some people can but i'm not one of them. a good friend explained to me that there are various types of love in the world and He is for me my "unforgettable unconditional love." i knew the relationship was going to end, i knew that ultimately i probably wouldn't be what He wanted and i loved Him with everything i had all the more. i knew too that had He said something differently in the midst of that last real conversation i'd probably have been here gushing with the verocity of a woman in love. regardless, there are limited scenarios in which that love would still be available to Him in the future, none of which i want to get into now because they are so far fetched as to be fanciful at this point. i don't wish Him ill and He told me the same thing. i hope that she is able to make Him blissfully happy and appreciates Him for the man that i know He is waiting to become. if not i'll just take out her kneecaps and help Him find the next woman that can try to fill that spot for Him.

as for me, that clarity also did an amazing thing. instead of shutting down like my brain thought it would, my body and my heart have just filed away memories of Emperor. He was my first, apparently not destined to be my only, Dom and the only man that will ever drag that amount of emotion from me. that is not to say that i cannot and will not love again because i will, quite happily so and it will be with another Dom because what i am is a submissive woman who needs and craves that in her life. filing things away have left a wonderful window of opportunity with which to say aloud i'm ready for what you have in store for me whomever is looking over my life. and surprisingly enough they not only answered quickly but with someone who seems equally intrigued by me as i am by him. i do not have a new Dom, i'm not sure he could ever be my Dom as we are really just doing the vanilla flirting thing right now but he is open and honest and direct and i appreciate that more than i could possibly express. so the velvet rope will not be shutting down and i will not be disappearing from cyberspace. i had to bury the ghosts and prepare for the light that is coming at the end of this long dark tunnel. i thank you all for the kind words you have shared with me over the last few days but throughout my journey with Him. okay i'm about to make myself cry so i need to stop. who knew i could cry this much lol? i'm getting sappy in my old age ROFLMAO.

love you all



Wednesday, February 22, 2006 8 comments
i'll be blogging more infrequently for a while more to come. i need to finish a project and get my body ready for the impending drama that breakups bring to the fore. i love Him madly and He is leaving me for her. she appears to be a better match for Him and i was worried about her long before i had confirmation of a thing. i haven't crumbled up into a ball and i'm not feeling a pressing need to do so right now. this hurts but i knew the minute the words crossed my lips there wasn't any further for us to go. i'll be roaming blogland and leaving comments but Emperor has left the building.


testing, testing

Monday, February 20, 2006 1 comment
it's felt like forever since i was able to sit here with a clear mind and write something. i don't have any happy resolutions for you, well any resolutions truth be told, so if you came over to check on that i can't help JUST yet. what i can tell you is the overwhelming amount of pain i have been feeling has subsided. i can breathe again without feeling like my chest is being stepped on (not that i have any real knowledge of what that would feel like but the weight on my chest was horrible). i'm not sure what or why things went haywire last week and the timing was less than ideal for both of us. i left Him teary eyed to say the least and was full of fire to finish (all those f's lol) my oft-delayed dissertation so that i could defend it and happily smile at Him and the rest of my family when i picked up my doctorate in may. then, as is the case, something blindsided me and this time i couldn't surpress the anger. i couldn't shrug it off and the tantrum was a mighty one. He responded in kind as we went to bed highly disappointed in the other one for totally different reasons.

i've been talking to two women that i have come to trust and love a lot the last few days (not the love and trust just a lot of talking). each had a different take on things but both essentially told me the same things. i can't control Him or what He does and if i want Him some things that annoy me must be tolerated. however, i don't just have to sit on my hands and hope that my penance--once served--will get me back in His good graces. i had to take a big step backwards. from the situation, from my life, from the love that i still feel deeply for Him. i had to refocus on any and everything else for a while. it's hard to be patient and kind when you are hurting and i was too busy hurting to do anything else.

friday night i took a long hot bubble bath, listened to bitter (see below) and got really, really, really drunk. i haven't been remotely buzzed in ages so drunk was definitely something new. i woke up early (like four a.m.) saturday morning and after staving off my aching heart's desire to call Him i went back to sleep a few hours later. then i woke up, turned on my laptop and got to work. over the next 36 hours i spent a vast majority of them looking at stacks of paper spread over my bed and typing what will be the start of the END of my academic career. i crunched all necessary statistics and wrote up all necessary information on them to hand over to my committee chair so that we can begin the final descent (is that spelled right) toward me being dr. pet.

i'm sure you are wondering "why dr. pet?," after all nothing has been resolved. well here's the thing, i am His. as i told Him when i saw Him, and again last night when i checked in on Him as i am prone to do, i belong to Him until such a time that He wants it to not be the case. i have belonged to Him totally since we met. i can't say what happened made me deepen my love for Him because truthfully that pain was monstrous. what it did make me realize was that i am stronger than i think and that my feelings for Him run deeper than i think. things may not ever be the way they were before now, in some respects i hope they are not, but i love Him and until the message from Him says "I no longer wish to possess you" any bolting i did right now would be born out of fear. and believe me i am afraid but i can't keep running from that. whatever is meant to happen here will have to play itself out and even if He does release me ultimately i know that i didn't hide in the closet with my doll and hope that love would ignore me. if i am literally destroyed by this emotion i'd rather have that than to live the rest of my life wondering what might have happened had i just done something differently. ok well that's enough of that, got two more clients (damn these kids they should stay at home it's snowing) and then off to home.

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time...
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!


Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.


Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.


Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

Who Should Paint You: Andy Warhol

You've got an interested edge that would be reflected in any portrait
You don't need any fancy paint techniques to stand out from the crowd!


being still

Friday, February 17, 2006 No comments
this week hasn't been entirely fun at all. i've been stressed and depressed and anxious and have this repeated notion that someone is reaching inside my chest to rip out my heart. i have been working more which is good i guess but as soon as the work is over then what do i get to do? nothing much has changed with respect to He and i. i'm not sure if or when it will. but i have to be okay with that, not because i'm submissive, but because there aren't a lot of other choices. wailing emotional pleas don't do anyone any good and end up making my head hurt anyway. i can't say that i've done all that i could do to fix things, if they are even able to be fixed, because i'm not sure what that would need to be and doing things randomly would only upset Him more. i've been open and honest and all i can do now is be patient. whatever is meant to be will come to pass. in the meantime i'll pop in periodically and let you all know i'm still alive lol. thanks for all of your concern, i do appreciate it, and i'll continue on doing what i can each day to make me at least appear normal to those around me (well maybe i shouldn't shoot for normal as i'm abnormal to begin with). okay enough of this, time to shop for a new laptop and then get ready to run errands and go home.


still not back, but...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 4 comments
i have never been at ease loving anyone. as evidenced by the fact that for the last four or five years the only man that has heard me make such a proclamation was my brother before this weekend. love makes me uncomfortable and i'm sure unstable to a certain degree. the flood of emotions not easily controlled, the doubt where there would normally be none, all of it overwhelms me and leaves me open when it's so much nicer observing from the background. something happened yesterday that nearly made me question my sanity and for the better part of the day just had me aching. last night only made it worse and the 2AM prayer just sent me into dreams that were hard and deep. when i woke up i realized i prayed for the wrong things even though the pressing ache was gone. the upside is i haven't turned into a teary eyed mess since the flight home. the bad side is i may never turn into a teary eyed mess again. i have potentially stepped into the land of no return with Emperor and if that's the case it will be even longer before i'm back and blogging regularly but i'm as fine as i can be under the circumstances and He will be better soon---with or without me.

lyrics to the songs i'm listening to can hopefully be accessed by clicking here and finding the corresponding album


i need to take a breather

Monday, February 13, 2006 2 comments
if this is able to be believed i think i came home more confused than when i left. the time we spent together was great but there were some unforseen glitches that cut into that. i have been a whirling derbish of emotions as a result. just a few things now and i'll be back whenever i can.

  • i love Him and i told Him and He didn't flee
  • He told me that He cared about me as well which i am more than positive i needed to hear (it's not the same thing i know but He is so guarded that at the moment it was enough)
  • He greatly enjoyed the bear and i am very happy about that
  • He greatly enjoyed everything i brought Him, well maybe not the books so much
  • He plans to visit after He's done travelling a bit next month for work
  • He wants to be at my graduation--i was going to ask but it was nice to know that He wanted to be there
  • through all the confusion in my brain i cannot fathom there not being a Him with me and that may be my ultimate downfall


simply Him

Saturday, February 11, 2006 3 comments
this may be one of those long flowery posts so if you keep reading you were warned. after more days apart than i care to be aware of right now we'll be together soon. as i left wal-mart and headed home i got intensely calm. the worries of this week, this month, this extended separation started to leave my body. a switch went off and all i could really focus on was soon i'll be with Him. it's a minor thing to some i know but that calm hasn't visited me since i saw Him last. when i got home and started prepping for my flight i nearly cried from the simple elation of the next sixty or so hours. i'll be bordering on distraught as i fly home because i know everytime i see Him the more i don't want to be anywhere else but with Him. but i'll never be happier in a sense because i know He's in my life. the complications of life will leave me as soon as i step foot on that plane and if i'm lucky i'll get to ride that feeling out for a while. i'm going to be able to quit sacrificing kittens too and i'm sure the ASPCA was going to come after me soon because they have been dropping like flies the last week or so. i am so happy right now all i can do is say thank you all for riding out the last few months and 100+ posts. see ya in a few days.



did i fall and bump my head

Friday, February 10, 2006 2 comments
i must have fallen quite hard. this post may be long but i doubt it. my ex called tonight, with his wife on the phone lol, apparently he's bared his soul to her again and is trying to work on his marriage again so we can't be friends anymore again. okay i am really dying laughing and that may sound odd but did you count the number of times i said again? he really hurt my feelings when we originally cut off contact five years ago at this point. we hadn't been dating or anything for years but we had been friends of some sort for seven years at that point. i was tickled to meet him again last year and touch base with my "friend" except my friend wanted to get more than friendly. i put him out and sent him home to the wife he's now clinging to again. we cut ties then again and imagine my shock and awe when i heard from him last month. the conversation quickly got flirty but we are a time zone, 1000 or so miles and two totally different relationships away from being anything remotely resembling a relationship. at this point all i can do is chuckle because really if i wanted to see him i could have hopped a plane to indy or detroit or atlanta when he invited me to.

instead i booked a flight to see Emperor and sat still with myself for a while. where i need to be right now is sending me six hundred miles from here to the man that understands how my brain and body ticks better than i do sometimes. if i was able to be happy with someone else's husband then i'd never have run into Emperor in the first place. i'd be chasing after mr. chocolate or mr. honey (we haven't talked about him) and enjoying my status as someone's mistress. i'm selfish though. i'd share Emperor only when asked and while i'd acquiesce i'd rather shove whomever it is out of a large window about 20 stories up. He is all i want right now and i can't say that ALL of the time. 96% of the time i'm pretty sure but that 4% is a bear lol. okay i'm done i just had to share that with you.


here comes the bride???

Thursday, February 09, 2006 No comments

okay please don't get excited. Emperor has not proposed and i am not about to be whisked away to His private dungeon never to blog again. i just have to share this because it made me giggle. i called a girlfriend because i needed an address. she asked what are you sending me---a wedding invitation??? okay i haven't laughed that hard in a quite a while. and by the time i was done i was in tears. gave her a good chuckle as well but i left it alone. okay a few more days go by, a different girlfriend, different conversation same question. also got a good chuckle in but i was trying to figure out if i was giving off the happily ever after vibe or something. fast forward to today, a new girlfriend and the same question. now it's just boggling my mind as if i have missed something entirely. all that these women know about Emperor is His given name and that i have considered relocating to be close to Him. they don't hear about the doubt on my end or the confusion i sometimes feel from Him. i know i'm approaching "that age" but really red married ROFLMAO. i can't say that i'd turn Him down but i'd seriously have to get over the shock.

i'll be loaded down on the way to see Him. i'm trying to decide the best way to get His gifts there without being stuck with a spare bag on the way back. nothing is coming to me save a huge disposable bag which i don't want to carry. i'll figure it out of course but it's an annoyance right now. i still haven't washed everything that needs to be clean before i go but mom is home and taking it as a project. that would leave with me with lingerie to handle because i just dont need mom asking about the corset or fishnet hose. okay i think that's enough material to keep you giggling. have a good night/morning


Your Stripper Song Is

Master and Servant by Depeche Mode

"There?s a new game
We like to play you see
A game with added reality
You treat me like a dog
Get me down on my knees"

Yawn, dancing is so boring without a little spice.

You Are The Magician

You are powerful and wise - beyond what anyone can see.
Deeply complex, you have the resources to connect to the spiritual and material world.
You posses the knowledge to manipulate your life and the lives around you.
You also have a great healing power, should you choose to use it.

Your fortune:

You have unhidden powers that you have yet to tap into.
Soon, you will better understand how to use your intellect and intuition.
Believe it or now, you will discover how you can manipulate yourself and others for good.
You are at the beginning of a path of spiritual enlightenment.

You Should Be A Cancer

What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous

What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand

In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection

In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support

Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure

Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood

You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced.

Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.

With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

Who Should Paint You: M.C. Escher

Open and raw, you would let your true self show for your portrait.
And even if your painting turned out a bit dark, it would be honest.

You Are 28% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're a little addicted to love.
You won't do anything for love, but sometimes you do more than you should.
No one's worth losing your head for - because in the end you'll only lose your heart.
Don't avoid falling in love. Just make sure you don't get too hooked.

Your Life Path Number is 5

Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences.

You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.
You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.
You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people.

In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long.

You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.
Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.
You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

You Are Fozzie Bear

"Wocka! Wocka!"
You're the life of the party, and you love making people crack up.
If only your routine didn't always bomb!
You may find more groans than laughs, but always keep the jokes coming.

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back.

In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so.

A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.


tap tap is this thing on?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 1 comment
that's probably what most of my body has been thinking in reference to my brain but i've been thinking about it in reference to the comment boxes. have i gotten so dull and boring as to not warrant a comment or two a day (so not sobbing, really ignore me--i am being entirely melodramatic here)? i'm sure that's not the case. i just spill so much sometimes i'm sure that people have no idea what to say to me. that's okay, i need to vent and sit and process and come back to things later from time to time.

so today i got off early and compiled some things to give to Emperor for Valentine's Day. He may or may not jump for joy about them but if He can crack a smile that will be more than enough for me. i also ran around and spent about two hours at the nail salon. they give the absolute BEST pedicures if only for the massage they give you. those are great. i get drowsy when folks are rubbing on me anyway but combined with the massage chair and i was ready to fall asleep. the drive home was uneventful and now i am sitting in bed half-dressed about to go find my teddy bear so i can snuggle up with her.

i am entirely tickled about seeing Him this weekend. the months apart have been trying for me as you all know and i am nearly blissful that the clock that was ticking off will at least pause come Saturday. while i would love for it to be the most perfect weekend EVER i will be satisfied mightily if we can just spend as much time awake and touching one another as humanly possible. okay so if i come back quiet all of a sudden its because He stymied the floodgate He let loose in October. but who are we kidding, i'll not be making any sense because of the delirium but i will be talking lol.

see ya


another quickie

Monday, February 06, 2006 No comments
nothing of merit to report today. i went to work, did most of my paperwork, got added to a search committee and was given another supervisee. i got my oil changed. talked to some friends, mailed some valentine's day cards (why are cards so pricey now--4 bucks to tell you i love in paper???), and got my therapy wands---if you want to know what those are ask and i'll post a picture. i debated gifts for valentine's day for Emperor. i watched tv, listened to people whine about the superbowl and talked to my mother again and again. life is good in a weird calm way. i'll see ya guys tomorrow.



dancing on the head of a needle

Sunday, February 05, 2006 3 comments
is the subverse making us all shut down at the same moment? is it the dumbass groundhog making us all want to do something different right now? or could it be, heaven forbid, that we are all talked out? nah it can't be the last one. being instrospective does make us less talkative i would think. i have another headache so i'll finish this later after some food and quiet. i haven't slept well in months. some days i catch up on it but typically i fall asleep late and wake up early too many days in a row. some of it is just because i can't make my brain shut down but as of late it's just because i don't physically feel the need to sleep until very late in the evening. and then there's the whole thing with my appetite virtually disappearing which doesn't really help with the weight lost thing because then i eat in bursts and don't want thing for hours or days sometimes. i'm not quite a total complete mess but i'm working toward it. my work isn't suffering YET but it's only a matter of time before it is. i know these things logically, i still can't make myself get it together. admittedly i've been out of sorts lately but i have to stop this.

oh and i should have warned you but my mind is a jumble of things so this may ramble about a bit. i did the proverbial late night no no about an hour ago. i tried on all of the nice goodies i purchased from Frederick's in anticipation of the next time i'd see Emperor. i loved the material and colors. i was just slightly depressed that my chest actually fit well into the new cup size. i've been holding onto the last one for a while and that just made me feel like a balloon that had deflated a bit. the corset wasn't as restrictive as it could be i'm sure, and i was happy to not need to let the straps out in the back, but it just made me look at my behind like "when did this become my ass?" and before my shower i did one of those body inspections for random imperfections and of course looking for them became annoyed about them. a spot here, a blemish there, why in heaven are my breasts so big and heavy now and did i mention my ass? now i'll be distressed about this until i see Emperor and He whispers something in my ear that makes me feel all nice and glowy from the inside. then we'll have to talk because i need His support. i need to return to a me that i can be happy with and that will be more pleasing to Him. which of course will make me happier and thus He may end up with a more pleasing pet.

briefly, i got a NICE tax return coming. new laptop coming oh yes it is.

last bit of rambling. well at least i think it's the last bit of rambling. while most of my life has been on pause, my sex drive has continued along undeterred by my ponderings and lack of movement. i have killed more kittens in the last few weeks than one human should be responsible for (for those of you that are new here, killing kittens is a euphemism for masturbation). i have been daydreaming about being slammed into the wall, of being forced to my knees and fed my daily dose of Emperor, of being showed off as a good and eager pet who will do anything to please her Master, and of having every stitch of clothing i'm wearing ripped from my body as He plunders and violates every piece of skin that will allow His intrusion. i was slightly worried when He said i was going to suffer mightily for incurring His anger yet again but then i thought the worst that could happen is that He left me a sated puddle in need of her pain medication shortly thereafter. i was ashamed of myself for wanting to feel His hand make contact with my cheeks, for thinking of ways in the moment i could both heighten His sizable sadistic streak and keep myself from limping back home, for wanting to feel His flesh merged into mine until the singular thought running in my head was this Man was all that i could ever hope for and please let this moment last as long as humanly possible and let Him find me remotely pleasing. i want the bites, the scratches, the yes pets echoing through the room, the contorted positions, the invasive movements of eager mouths and tongues and heavy sighs of contented bodies.

so at the end of all of this, i'm tired and missing my Emperor and that will hopefully be ending soon. in a few weeks i'll be laptop shopping, my mother is returning---yeah!!!, i have lingerie to wash and toys to pack and some light cleaning to do in the next few days. anyone want to see if we can dance together on the head of this needle? and taylor i'm going to just start blowing up monkeys the next time they come around here :-)



Saturday, February 04, 2006 No comments

okay so i'm roaming around the bedroom at the moment. i woke up early to get the paper and then went promptly back to bed. i found the most exquisite roses that i want to grow the other day and of course cannot find them now that i want to talk about them. taken from this site purple roses mean the following things:

Purple roses stand for enhancement, magnification, opulence, majesty and glory and mean I will always love you. Lavender roses symbolize caution and the need to proceed slowly and carefully. Lavender roses also indicate a need for discretion but it is also becoming widely accepted as representing love at first sight and enhancement. Burgundy roses mean unconscious beauty. Lilac represents the first emotions of love.

while i like lavendar roses they are so pale as to not do much for me. i love dark purple roses but they are increasingly difficult to find especially for purchase. some are artificially died that way but they seem artificial and thus less attractive. if anyone sees any dark purple roses please let me know. i would love to grow them immediately.

anyway, i haven't done my usual roam around blogland as of yet. i would imagine that most of you are off enjoying the ones you love/lust after lol and i really am just stirring. this time next week i'll be preparing to board a plane and disappear for the weekend. when i get back i'm sure that some things will be more clear for me and about our relationship. things are slightly clearer now but i need to be with Him to make sure that i'm not just lost in some random emotions about Him and this lifestyle. i'm not miraculously happy but i'm not in turmoil either. i'm just glad to be awake and have a clear plan for our reuninon in mind.

i've sort of felt like i was stagnating a bit in my progression. i can't do what He won't let me but He's not particularly invested in making me do things hundreds of miles away from Him. i do have random projects and tasks to get done but they are interspersed widely. if i was with Him things would be decidely different and that would be interesting considering my mother lives with me. yeah limping back into the house after every third date or so would be hilarious. but it would still be worth explaining if He was there to reclaim, refocus and renew me on a regular basis. my mother would never understand and if she would that would just creep me the hell out. all she knows right now is that He makes me happy and i'm comfortable with that at the moment. okay i am starving. my diet has been strange lately and i need to find some food. i might be back later. but really if you can find the roses let me know.

love ya

ETA: there are new shopping links along the left panel. i LOVE fairy goth mother but eros boutique has me all in a tizzy, it's great.



Friday, February 03, 2006 3 comments
1. If you were any animal (real or fictional) what would you be?
a cat or a tiger i like cats

2. Which do you prefer: thong, bikini cut, full back or none at all?
i don't like thongs or bikini backs, i like boy cut suits

3. Do you wear underwear when you leave your home?

4. How do you like breasts? Large or small? real or fake?
lol i like them real and rather large

5. What is your favorite part of the body for the opposite sex?

6. Where is the spot on your body that drives you wild?
nape of my neck

7. Have you ever had a 3-some?

8. Would you ever want to have a 3-some?
only if He wanted us to

9. Would you kiss & tell?

10. How many times have you had sex in the last 3 days?
none He's not here, unless you count sex with myself and then well i've been throughly satisfied

11. Do you have any fetishes?
Men's voices

12. What size shoe do you wear? Size 8.5

13. Who is your favorite Porn star?
i don't have one now, i used to love Kitten, Mercedes, and Vanessa Blue

14. Which do you like more: Giving or Getting oral sex?
giving, unless someone is particularly good at what they do

15. Where is your favorite place to have sex?
anywhere it's raining

16. How many fantasies do you have in 1 week?
not sure, depends on the week

17. Have you ever posed naked?
not completely

18. What is the most sexual thing you have done with a stranger?
dancing, i at least have to know a name and hang out for a while to have sex with them and then they wouldn't be a stranger so much

19. If someone of the same sex as you wanted to have sex, would you?
not likely

20. What is the best time of the day to have sex?
whenever we're both awake and have longer than 20 minutes to do it

21. If you could sleep with a famous person, who would you sleep with?
ray lewis, jevon kearse, vince carter or prince

22. You have a chance to make you wildest fantasy come true, do you go for it? Or do you keep it as a fantasy?
more than likely

23. What is you favorite Sexual aid, or toy?
the cuffs

24. What do you do after you have had sex?
try to have more sex, get some juice and maybe some food, then sleep if no more sex

tagging sk and taylor if you haven't done it already


we need a resolution......

Thursday, February 02, 2006 2 comments
or i'm sure that's what it seemed like at the time of the last post. i was tired, bordering on exhaustion, in being so far away from someone i care so much about. we talked, we were doing well, we hit a familiar wall, we stopped talking. i had every intention on just going to bed but my righteous indignation cropped up. it was amazing if i do say so myself lol. it was amazing because i never thought i would ever get that fed up about anything going on with us. and amazing because my little brain, in its moment of emotional upheaval, spilled the words that i've been holding to my vest out like a torrent. before i could help myself i had told Him i loved Him and i went to bed. He didn't call right back, thank God, and when i woke up with no message (He's out and about well before i am) i was quite positive that we both had had enough and it was time to work on being away from each other. well that's not true i didn't think about it much. i noticed there was no message and i went to work. no crying, no sobbing, just went to work.

i turned on my instant messenger and went about my day, somewhere before my first client He apparently finally got said message lol and was more than upset with me. had it been feasible to beam me on over to Him at that moment i am quite positive i would have gotten the worst spanking ever. after venting mutual frustration, He did the one thing i've been needing Him to do for ages. He made me stop and remember that i was His. not in the platitude kind of way i sometimes go on about here but that if He wanted me gone i would know as He has never kept things from me before. it was necessary and long overdue. and after the venting plans were finally made to see one another for certain and i'm sure we'll do some more debating and discussing and make some decisions for ourselves. we're not in sync but we are on the same page again and after the visit i'll know more about what is in store for us. okay that's enough for now.



2592 and counting

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 4 comments
this will confuse most of you for a moment. it's definitely not my hit counter which is somewhere between 3500 and 3600 i think. it's not the number of posts here, i do ramble a lot but jeez not that much yet. it's the number of hours since His hand touched my face. since He left me sleeping and happy. it has been difficult not seeing Him, i've shared that with you enough, it's the not knowing when those hours will stop piling up that has me slightly upset today. ok maybe slightly is an understatement. i broke into tears twice on my drive home. not massive can't see while i'm driving tears but running down my cheeks and cracking my voice a wee bit as i sung along with the music. a girl has to sing on the way home after all.

it just knocked me on my ass for a minute. i'll process it and decide if there is anything to be done. i'm sure you'll hear about it whenever i finish thinking on it. for now i need to go write something down, see ya.