words escape me (or maybe not)

Saturday, November 24, 2007 1 comment
i haven't posted recently as i haven't had anything to say. i haven't had a lot going on. i've been working, cranky, working, tired, working, missing Him, and working and being mad at Him. yeah i said it mad. i've been trying not to be mad because well it doesn't help Him at all. and being the good little trooper i've been trying to be mad doesn't play into the equation very well. i know it's not His fault. i know He'd be home if He could. i know that this is not how He chose to be spending the last eighteen months but i also know i was just tired of it. and it was unrealistic to think i was never ever going to get mad at Him. the moment has passed of course but it was boiling over a few days ago. i explained it all to Him in a rambling letter that i need to mail but won't detail here.

i've mentioned it before. people mean well by asking if i know anything and when He might be home but you cannot imagine how annoying, frustrating and just depressing it is to say the same thing over and over again. if i knew i swear i'd just blast it somewhere and then disappear so i wasn't having to field multiple conversations about what we were going to do or when i expected Him home exactly or if i was excited. let me just tell everyone now YES i will be excited not that i expect it to stop anyone from asking.

as a result of the frustration for lack of a better word, i haven't been all that motivated to write anything. i can't say that has changed either. i still look at the remaining letters and the lovely setup that Look it Up provided for me and nothing says oh yeah write me down and make folks diddle themselves. maybe later or maybe i'll go back to sleep. it is awfully early for me to be up on a saturday. just wanted y'all to know i was still breathing.

see ya


i want or the world is topsy turvy

Friday, November 16, 2007 2 comments
okay well not really topsy turvy. it's a bit different since mom is back now but that's okay at the moment. she brought my candy bar baby announcement for my niece and the announcement that my brother and sister in law created for the lovely bundle they created. they sent a big picture bundle as well that i need to have to converted over to a cd so i put her on display. well not really display. just put her in my office or something. that was all nice about mom coming back but the feeling of just general disconnect i've had lately hasn't going away.

i think i've been a little out of it in general because all the time she was gone i really didn't invest much energy into killing kittens. i walked around naked a lot well half naked in case someone knocked on the door and i needed to throw something on really quickly. i have just been kinda blah though. i want Him. i want Him to snuggle with and hear snoring in the bed next to me. i want to be thrown against the shower wall and struggle to keep my footing as He thrusts into me and makes me purr. i want lots of things that i can't have right now because He's not home. i watched The Unit this week and so shouldn't have. Hector's autopsy and memorial were just damn sad. i don't want to be the new chick who was just getting her relationship established only to have that person taken away with all the promise of the relationship shot to shit. i want to know how peaceful He is when He's sleeping soundly and how fast He'll move when i say i want a peanut butter cookie and a milk shake and some lo mein noodles at 3 in the morning in the 8th month of my pregnancy lol. i want the simple things and not so simple things and i want them yesterday but i'll settle for them tonight or tomorrow or the day after that. i want to know what His lips feel when He kisses me on the back of my neck. yeah that's what i want.


see jill--all i

Sunday, November 11, 2007 1 comment
....Tease me please me spank me feed me you
know what I need baby

the lyrics above are from the last little bit of All I from Jill Scott's latest cd. i love Jill Scott always have and i do enjoy those last lines as they bring a smile to my face. i like it much more than track 9--title escapes me--i know what Jill was going for there but really if all the Black women vanished off the face of the earth Black men would just marry other women and we wouldn't know so what would be the point in that. however much i like the lyrics it also makes me sad. even though He knows all those things an would happily spank me whenever He felt a need He's not home so He can't do that right now. just made me a little wistful when i heard them and then a little moody.

a friend always jokes with me that i could just find a replacement Dom to fill in until He gets home but really you can't replace your Dom unless it is time for Him to be kicked to the curb. and by no means am i ready to let Him go anywhere. even if my need for a spanking was really that great and right now it's not, being sublimated into other areas, there isn't a person that i could think of that would be able to hurt me without needing it to go further and really i want the after care and closeness as well so that's really a non starter. i just keep waiting and keep hoping that things will just work themselves out eventually. sooner as opposed to later of course but eventually. oh well, what's going on with y'all?


alice wants to break the looking glass

Sunday, November 04, 2007 1 comment
if this makes the slightest bit of sense i swear it will be an accident. you have been warned now let me figure out where to start. the last few weeks have surely been interesting. busy of course, new addition to the family which is beyond exciting and taking care of things since i'm in the house all by myself. it's a little odd being in here all by myself to be honest even though i am enjoying the privacy and the idea that i can walk around half naked if i want and she won't be looking to see if i have added any new tattoos. i haven't of course but she is so freaking nosy sometimes.

i miss Him but try not to miss Him because that feels like i'm somehow not being as supportive of Him as i could be. i haven't written to Him in a month at least and i feel bad about that too. nothing has stopped me from doing so other than the pity party i have been having i guess. i'm not being totally productive lol but i'm not an absolute stump. i have been listening to a lot of new music and everytime i think i found something that sort of captures the mood i'm in i'm wrong. zhane's "off my mind" has been rambling in my brain and the song is fitting until it gets to the whole let's get back together/i forgive you for being an ass refrain. i'm digging jill scott's new cd but nothing on there is really what i'm thinking pretty much because she's breaking up or horny on the entire cd. not that i'm not horny ROFLMAO but that's not what i'm thinking of when i think of Him all the time. then there is amy winehouse's "some unholy war." love it but i can't really fight at His side, well i'm sure the government might consider it seeing as how they are not going to ever have enough soldiers to sustain the non war we are in. but at the end of the day i really couldn't be WITH Him that entire time because that's just not going to be productive for either of us.

i'm feeling a little sad i guess. i don't like it. i like being retardedly happy when it comes to Him. hopefully this funk passes soon. back to the simpsons now.