random holiday related ramblings

Sunday, December 28, 2008 3 comments
okay so i haven't updated in a while my bad. not a lot has been happening except me enjoying my vacation which has rocked except the whole no one to hug me really tight before bed. and even that has been mostly okay. so santa really needs me to start giving him better information. i got what i wanted for my birthday but really i didn't know what i wanted for christmas so i got random things lol. it's all good. they are cute random things but still very random. i've been watching lots of movies thanks to blockbuster and columbia house. wanted was actually better than i expected. the dark knight was better for me than batman begins and yes heath ledger kinda was crazy nuts but i will say i think it's been a little overhyped. not majorly so but still overhyped.

the holidays have been tinged with some disappointment. two incredibly sexy, strong and intelligent women who never probably understood the manner in which they changed women and men died this month. Bettie Page died on December 11th and Earth Kitt died on December 25th. i can't say either one was a personal role model because really i'm just starting to rexplore my sexuality and its influences as well as the manifestations and trappings to who i am now. but both were unabashedly comfortable in their own skin, at least for a while--bettie page did later say she found the Lord and didn't do another bit of modeling again. no one will forget bound bettie or eartha's distinctive purr. they inspire me and my subbie girl mindset of how i want to be. Daddy thinks it's because i was born in the wrong decade and that i would rock as a 1950's housewife. lol maybe but right now i do like the innocently overtly sexual conundrum that pinups and women from that time period present.

to that end i have joined a lot of different groups on fetlife that spark conversations and thoughts that i then end up talking with green lantern and Daddy about. good things all around. it's also made me expand my wardrobe a bit not so much with costumes but retro inspired items. Cupcake Provocateur has the cutest aprons and cupcakes lol as does Carolyn West and Jessie Steele. i bought a few from Cupcake Provocateur and she is super helpful and quick to respond so if you see something that channels your inner Donna Reed/June Cleaver but you want it in different fabric or some other alteration done just let her know.

hmmm not sure if there is anything else to tell you. if i think of something i'll be back. y'all have a good new years.


when i grow up

Monday, December 15, 2008 2 comments
this post is probably gonna be all over the place. i have a dozen different things on my brain which is the cause for the jumbled but i'm gonna try to keep things in order. at some point during my babbling i am gonna try to cover fetlife, career changes, Daddy/Good Nyhte and pinup models. i told you it was all over the place so if you don't wanna read it i understand totally.

okay i finally signed up on fetlife after serious encouragement from green lantern. as i described it to Daddy it's sorta facebook for kink minded people. there are groups to join and friends to make and you can share as much or as little about yourself as you like. i'm waiting for Him to sign up so that i can finish one part of it and figure out how much He wants me to display on the page. right now mine is pretty bare and while i totally respect those who have their images there my brain was wondering about that. maybe i'm needlessly worried because my handles have never had anything to do with my real life but i'm always worried that a client or a colleague would see me. granted they would have to explain why they were there and they can't really search for an image of me directly as long as i wasn't silly enough to name the image red's real name lol. that's a perpetual debate for me. that's why my image has never appeared here. i'll email it to those that seem genuine that ask from time to time but in 3 years of blogging no red on the blog. ahh well i should figure that out.

Daddy is in Chicago right now. He's there for work and i understand that but it so sucks not having Him to wake up to right now. especially now as i start my vacation and my mother is riding the last patient nerve i have into the ground. we're trying to figure out if Christmas or New Year's is feasible but that hasn't been decided. however, we're having fantastically silly conversations and He makes me smile every time we speak. that wouldn't be different if He was here but i might be MIA from the blog again lol.

talking to Him lately has also made me think about what i'm doing now. how long i want to keep doing it and if i want to do something else. which is kinda leading to the whole pinup conversation as well. i love what i am able to do with my job. they allow me a lot of freedom and opportunities. however, after the year i've had emotionally and professionally i'm almost starting to feel burnt out. there are a couple of clients i want to get graduated but i don't know if that is realistic for me. especially if Daddy and i pick a city and want to move there soon. plus i never really intended on doing this kind of work honestly, at least not full time. this is my sixth year doing full time clinical work which has been rewarding and appropriately challenging but my brain is really feeling fried. i miss teaching and the exchange that meeting with a semi interested group of students brings. i also slightly miss being able to do research because i have no damn time whatsoever to do that right now. that isn't as big an issue for me though. the other thing that has come to my mind has been my writing. i'm doing a lot more of that now. more poetry lately but i have two books finished, one started, and an assortment of short stories ready. i'm not sure what stops me from looking at getting them published but there is definitely some nervousness there. not to mention there's this other thing that has come to mind recently.

i am intensely fascinated with classic glamor and pinups. it goes along with my love of corsets and being sort of uber feminine from time to time. the thing that for some reason i just noticed is the almost complete lack of African American pinups. i say almost because there may be some i'm unaware of but really when i went looking for some tonight i came up with articles, some not really pinup drawings and a website that is preparing to launch but as of right now has no content. now i have recommitted myself to taking care of my middle bulge because i just bought the cutest corsets and i want them to HUG me tightly. that made me think about being a pinup model though. doing the contradictory corseted little girl images would so entertain me. especially if i did one like the ones i did for Daddy before He left. you know the coy finger in mouth images. i would try not to curl my hair too much before folks thought they were dealing with a 15 year old but it could be one. and that would be in complete defiance to my overprotective side with my pictures now. but i don't think i'd be maintaining my current day job, at least not where i am now, if i was going to let it all hang out and just go all pinup. staying that cute would require more effort than i put in now. but i would love it on so many levels.

anyhoo, so many thoughts, so much to decide. if and when i ever make a decision lol i'm sure i'll let you know hee hee.

see ya


the post that never ends

Saturday, December 06, 2008 2 comments
it won't be this post of course. the cast list has updated again for clarification to my readers. i did sort of transition relationships without a long flowery post which was my nature once upon a time. while i am happy with my new relationship, i wasn't exactly thrilled to be ending the old one. i love RS and care about Him but it was time for me to move on. things were getting harder with the more limited contact and since our last contact in February nothing has happened between us at all. i can't blame Him for that because the situation limits His ability to do what He wants and i know given His preference He would have been home with me and Littlest Soldier but neither of us got what we wanted in that situation. He's still in my prayers because LS needs her father and i want Him to be okay as well.

Good Nyhte is and has been a great support to me since i've known Him as i have mentioned previously. there was no ulterior motive in that and i have often referred to Him as my stupid younger brother in the past. we aren't related before anyone gets weird lol. just that is how i was looking at Him for a very long time. however, being with Him as much as i was the last few weeks was wonderful and made me very very happy. it also gave me a chance to live D/s for a while and it is entirely different from the random visits i had with Emperor back in the day. the protocols and things are the same of course but a) every Dom has their own way of implementing them and b) you do have to handle your day to day life before aspects of the D/s relationship can come into play. there was still work to do, bills to pay, dinners to make, clothes to wash, and beds to make before we could fully immerse ourselves in things. didn't mean there wasn't the occasional hair tug or smack on the butt lol but we had stuff to do. He's gone right now. relocated for a job but neither of us expect to not be together again soon. that might mean i'm back in the midwest but woo damn it's cold there. He keeps promising to keep me warm though so we'll see lol.

i have some stuff to do today so i'm gonna wrap this up now. you can check the updates in the now introducing post if you need to but hopefully this makes things a little clearer now.

see ya


so i'm laying in bed

Saturday, November 22, 2008 5 comments
and for the first time in a few days i'm really just laying here instead of rolling around and laughing and watching movies and sighing deeply. He's been here and i have loved that greatly. it's interesting having Him here and how much different i am as a result. i haven't really wanted to post anything for some reason. slightly afraid i might jinx things and really still trying to be selfish a bit and save this one thing for myself. but i am happy and safe and feeling quite loved right now. if that changes i'm sure you'll know. hell i tell you guys everything lol eventually even when i don't exactly mean to. i hope everyone is well and that you enjoy the holidays if they are coming up for you next week. my mother is STILL gone yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh so i get to make my duck when i'm ready to eat it and not heat it up cause it's been sitting for 3 hours. hope i'll talk to you guys later.



sorry bout that

Friday, November 14, 2008 No comments
been busy with work and being sick and a bunch of other stuff. the accident i believe is finally resolved now. well it is for me. the nice lady that hit me is probably gonna have some issues. i'm debating whether or not i'm ready for this to go dark. i don't have a lot to post these days. i love a very sweet Man dearly but with my track record that probably means i'll eventually be telling you all about what went wrong instead of how He's sleeping here every night and making my life so much richer. i don't think i'm being a very good sub right now at all because i'm all over the place with my moods and tolerance for things. i'm just really in general confused about my life right now. after i finish helping Him with some things i might vanish for a while and take care of the weirdness that is my life.


shock and awe

Thursday, November 06, 2008 No comments
that's the best summary i can give to what this country did yesterday. i can honestly admit that no matter how hopeful i was i did not anticipate this country electing a brown person while i was still young enough to recognize and enjoy it. i took the day off because i needed to absorb the day on my own. i didn't end up on my own. i had to take care of some things related to the car and ran out to vote. upside of living in podunk was it took no time to vote. downside of living in podunk my state nearly always goes red so it was strictly exercising my civic duties that got me to the poll. i was back home by 10:30 with a maybe activity later in the day which turned into a definite activity within an hour.

i spent the day with Him. doing a lot of nothing but it was nice just to be with Him and hanging out and joking and making people slightly sick cause we flirt a lot lmao. it somehow made the day less tense and stressful. the election wasn't allowed to dominate my brain as i was afraid it would if i had been at work the entire time. i was there longer than i anticipated being which is weird as the plan was tentative to start with. it was a wonderful few hours though. moments like that just make me hopeful and happy that i'm happy and alive. they can never last long enough for me right now but chalk it up to me being greedy and not wanting to let go of who and what i find important. especially yesterday. the significance of who i was with yesterday wasn't lost on me so i was glad that for most of my day it was Him.

i came back up and filled out paperwork for my new car which i picked up today. it's a newer model of my old car and i like it a lot. slightly more than i wanted to pay but like the last time i got a used car it already comes loaded with what i wanted already. this day was no less significant than yesterday but it was back to the grind for most of us. still stunned by what took place and almost hoping we weren't still dreaming. sooner or later the sheer unadulterated surprise will wear off. but not right now.

i was just writing to say hey, let you know i was still alive and that i couldn't be prouder of the us today. i just hope that we can continue the momentum that was started last night beyond right now.


and in braking news

Friday, October 24, 2008 2 comments
okay folks, it's been a long strange week. i was in a car accident last Friday. i wasn't injured just a little sore and more than anything annoyed about my car. i found out a couple of days ago they were going to total it which is annoying but it was incredibly close to being paid off and since someone rear ended me i won't have to pay the deductible. i'm gonna start looking for a new car sunday maybe. i've been on call so the last week hasn't allowed my brain to do much processing on that. unless they cut a HUGE check i'm gonna get something else used and just hope to get my payments back to where they were.

i'm probably gonna go to bed early tonight because i have to take mom to the airport in the morning. that wouldn't be a huge deal but the closest airport to us is extra special HIGH to fly out of unless you are flying into certain markets. so we're doing a two hour trek--let me rephrase i'm doing a four hour trek--to get her off to see her granddaughter. i know i'll be exhausted tomorrow afternoon but the house will be quiet and i can run around naked again. she is complaining about everything and threatening not coming back again and after the last few fights we've had i truly don't care. she doesn't respect me or my time and didn't ask to do 99 percent of what she's asked for in the last 96 hours in the weeks prior to this when i wasn't nearly as busy. today after i got in from work and clearing out the car (which really shouldn't be traumatizing but it is) she has another list of things she wants to do. i say i'm tired and no i don't want to take her then. she thinks of three other things and asks again and then stares at me when i again say no.

i used to feel bad about that but really nothing i do is ever enough which annoys me. i have been late getting home three of the last five days because of her but me wanting to rest tonight is being selfish in her eyes. i gave her half of the food someone was nice enough to treat me to at work and she comes to ask for the stuff i was planning to eat myself. had i said no she would have stared at me again lol like how dare i tell her no. i'm really tired tonight and i really miss those arms.

see ya later


just because it needs to be seen

Sunday, October 19, 2008 3 comments


His words, my mantra

Saturday, October 18, 2008 1 comment
i've been thinking about this post for the last few days. i told y'all about the bad dreams. i told You about how He was there to make it all okay and i had a good if not totally productive day. the next night He told me something i wasn't expecting and when another semi disturbing dream hit, i repeated that or what i could remember of it in my sleep deprived state and fell back asleep. the next weird dream didn't even get to register because i heard Him in my ear. as i'm trying to sleep and holding tight to my teddy bear i kiss it repeating the words until i doze off.

the mantra as it were has made me smile and feel very calm when it's bounced around in my head. it gives me something to focus on when the subbie free fall starts to happen and i'm not sure when i'm gonna hit ground. i get there, safely, and with much fewer bruises. thankfully i have good subbie sisters, who i affectionately refer to as the collective, that have been in the lifestyle much longer than i and who remind me of the most important thing in any given situation.

because of them and because i'm being slightly more focused about what i'm doing and when i can let the words soothe me as they do. i've been clearing out some negative energy around me and that has made an interesting difference in my perspective on things. patience has never been one of my virtues. i got some when my father passed in 2001 but i think i tapped all that out lately. but i've started a little ritual, a checklist, that keeps me quiet in my spirit and lets me just be. it could be because i see possibilities again or it could just be that my brain and my body are finally willing to talk to my emotional self and all get along.

i don't know what the road ahead of me holds but i'm looking forward to what is around the bend. i'll be repeating my mantra along the way.


bad dreams, good mornings

Thursday, October 16, 2008 1 comment
the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. i have been up and down with work, up and down with my mom, and up and down with my romantic life. every time i think one is stable another screws up and right now they are all setting my cute little ass in the fire. the work thing is calming down now and nothing but time and more bodies to do the job will make that better. my mother is leaving town to go see my niece soon so that will give me a brief respite from all of the chaos that comes from living with a crazy old woman. which only leaves my love life and i swear i can make things as complicated as blindfolded calculus when you're already drunk and horny.

you know from my previous post my up and down moods are a somewhat tied to not having those arms late at night. and while waiting didn't seem like such a big deal when i was speaking with RS more regularly, we haven't really talked this year at all which has made the wait less and less palatable. i'm sure some of you will wonder what the sanctuary post was about if i was getting ready to bump RS out of the picture. i do still care about RS, a lot, but over the last few months i've spent a lot of time with someone else and have grown to love them. they have been there through some of my roughest crashes about the state of my life and just things that have been overwhelming me the more disconnected i've grown from RS and partially from the lifestyle. being with Him has made me calm and encouraged and renew myself in my submission. of course with all things in my life the situation is complicated so His arms aren't here every night either but He is very involved in my life and always there when i need Him most. the room makeover was a present for both of us for being honest with each other and trying to embrace whatever we have building between us.

a few nights i had a very bad dream. so bad that i sat up at nearly 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep to save my life. i turned on my computer and He was there. we talked through the dream and a tantrum i had earlier in the evening. i didn't go back to sleep but left for work happy and smiling. then my zune had to decide what kind of mood it was in, mostly it was happy so we sped to work singing along and happy. that day was my short day so the lack of sleep wasn't as much of a killer as it could have been. but He was there as He normally is saying and doing unexpectedly sweet things. so ignoring the fact that i only slept for three hours and didn't get to stay at home until after i ran an errand my mind was feeling clear. so i sat down to work on this but it wasn't ready to be posted so i gave y'all the other brief synopsis first.

it's not how i normally handle things. i would normally wait until i had a clear indication from my partner before i made any decisions. i do like to be a good girl after all. had things gone as planned i'd either be on my honeymoon or celebrating my anniversary. but plans haven't held. i most assuredly never planned on feeling the way i do about the person in my life now. it was a surprise, a welcome one, but most definitely a surprise. as long as He wants to be in my life and allows me in His i'll keep calling on Him because He makes things all right.


long time coming

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 No comments
okay boys and girls this is not an announcement i wanted to make ever really especially now since i can't seem to get in contact with Him at all but i'm taking an RS break. i understand the situation isn't His doing or His fault. i have tried to be a good soldier and for a while i think i had it down. but this deployment has taken a heavier toll on me than i expected most notably when the anticipated return dates kept passing. i've been debating this within myself and with some of you for several months now, well the better part of the year really. but recent things have made it necessary for me to make this decision. hopefully we can sit down and talk when He returns but for now that relationship has to be put to rest. i don't really want to talk about it too much more than this truthfully and i'll just have to ask for patience as things shift around the rope. don't worry i'm not running away, just need to pace out what i'm willing to share about right now.



Sunday, October 12, 2008 1 comment
i went on a posting spree then vanished for a week. a lot has been going on at work and been trying to get all cute cause my hair was doing the who what when where and why thing all at the same time and that was NOT attractive. for those of you that are wondering what happened to the smut i finished two stories yesterday and plan on finishing the other two today so the alphabet will be complete. if i can then get off my duff i will speak to a few people i know that might be interested in publishing it and if that goes well then yeah the other smut may come down as that process goes forward. none of this has anything to do with the title of the post though.

i decided a few weeks ago my bedroom needed a makeover. it had been some combination of red for several years now and i wanted something more soothing. a space that could provide me refuge from the things that go bump in the night and hell in the daytime as well. i wanted a safe space that was set up for me and someone i love to disappear from the rest of the world whenever we needed to. so the idea of sanctuary came to me. no political or scary ties to it just a space that when needed could provide us a private refuge that was just ours and that we could both enjoy for whatever reasons we needed to.

not sure how many of you are familiar with feng shui or not but one of the primary bedroom recommendations is that you and your partner be able to get into the bed freely on each side. now my good friends know, cleaning so not on the top of my list of things to do so in order to achieve that nifty free entry trick it took me the better part of a week to put things back where they belong and provide space around the bed. room looks great and it wasn't that hard to do but it seemed necessary to provide the space i was going for. i hung a candelabra above the bed and outfitted it with these lovely scented tapered candles. the whole thing has been done in a very calming blue that makes me happy every time i step foot in the room. my original idea has given me more day to day peace inside the walls than i could have imagined.

the only weird thing is i cant sleep on either side of the bed right now. typically i would sleep on the left and move across the bed. now i'm sleeping dead center most nights, almost like i'm waiting on someone to slide in with me. when Daddy starts sliding in with me though, Daddy Bear might be hanging out in the closet with other dolls ROFLMAO. that's so mean. he's been chilling with me for years. ok i'm gonna bounce now, need to decide if i'm staying up before i work on Q and X. if you haven't done it and you need to think about making some room somewhere a safe haven for you too.


worth revisited

Monday, October 06, 2008 No comments
okay not too long ago i wrote what can best be described as a very depressing piece about worth and being valued enough to be WITH your partner. as i was showering tonight i started thinking about when my worth became tied to who was holding me at night. because really during the day i'm active and productive and busy. but at night, at night it's just me and the stuffed animals. that's when the lonely sinks in and that's when it starts to hurt that no one is hugging me back.

but at 22 i didn't care about that. i was finishing undergrad and dating around and in general just enjoying life and what the next adventure might be. there were moments when the long term happy with one person seemed appealing but the loss of it wasn't devastating to my psyche. at 25 i was reeling from my father's death so really the last thing i was worried about was my long term happy. i wanted someone to console me but i had my brothers, mother, friends and family who did a bang up job and helped me through that phase. at 28 i was winding up with the main part of my doctoral program and was just hoping that a few things broke the right way for me. they did and i was estactic. it was here that i know i started wanting someone to share all these thing with. it seemed lonely to be accomplishing things with no one to cheer me on and encourage me. but i had all my adopted nieces and nephews and lord they rocked so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

even at 30 the ache for the arms wasn't as pressing. i just got my first job and my mother was moving in so there were other stressors to wade through before boy was necessary. i was dating by then, i was with emp by then or getting ready to not be with emp either way i missed him but i wasn't decidedly distressed that he wasn't holding me nightly. i just figured in time we'd work that all out and i was getting ready to move actually lol but that didn't work out that way. and RS is a dream in so many ways, a good sweet dream but not something i've had a chance to hold onto. the days stretching made me more aware of that but it's not about him really.

it's about the feeling that i am not quite complete without those arms. i know that isn't the case. i am strong and independent and at the end of the day can take care of myself. so let me not say it's the feeling more than the desire to be in someone's arms each night. to rest my ear against their chest and hear their heartbeat slow while we drift off to sleep. it's somewhat about that nice smack on the ass, or across the face quite unexpectedly to garner a reaction mid coitus, and the knowledge that i have trusted another human enough to put myself in their control. i miss having those things now. i miss them and don't know when i can have them. that is what throws me off when i'm having a bad day. if i knew 30 days from now life would be like what i dream about then i'd just mark the days off my calendar and go yippee. but i don't know that and really none of us can know that. at 32 i long for embrace at a way that wouldn't have crossed my mind ten years ago. not having it or having the possibility of it ripped from my grasp just throws me into a tailspin from time to time. from now on i'll try to just have a drink and take a bubble bath when they hit but i know they'll hit.

for now i'll just keep thinking and praying and keeping myself as centered as possible until arms get to keep me close every night.

see ya later


Okay this is super random

Saturday, October 04, 2008 1 comment
Don't know if y'all watched the VP debate. It was pretty good even though there were clear moments where the smack down could have been laid and was not. i was impressed that Palin kept pronouncing a few big names well and on the topics she knew she sounded solid. i was more impressed with Biden, was offering to have his little mullato baby by the time it was done lol. Okay so i'm rambling. someone sent this to me and it is freaking hilarious so here ya go.

Palin's Debate Flow Chart


train of thought

Friday, October 03, 2008 No comments
the world we live in is so complicated some times. i entered the lifestyle probably with some delusions about it's increased stability for my own life. i mean the nice vanilla boys couldn't hurt and love me so already there was a step ahead just by finding a man that understood those needs. but i wasn't paying attention to the initial message i got that hey this is just like the world you are leaving EXCEPT there is better understanding. my lifestyle relationships well lol for those have been here the whole while you know the first crashed and burned hard. from a lovely visit to please don't talk to me again over the course of a week. the second one seems much more in line with who i am and what i want but well He's gone with no definite return plan. many of you have told me to cut Him loose at this stage but that seems so unfair considering none of this was His plan or fault. having said that though at some point i think if i don't hear from Him it will just be too late. not sure if i'm there yet but it's probably coming. there are other people out there i know that too. the thing is i'm not really interested in seeking them out. i have good friends who care about me and they are keeping my spirits up.

one in particular has been there so long i can't even tell you when we met. he's been goofy when i needed goofy, sweet when i needed sweet and a huge ego boost when i needed that too. we listen to a lot of the same music so we have debates about that all the time among other things. i didn't realize how much i missed arguing with folks so thanks ROFLMAO. i feel bad for not mentioning him more directly in all this time because he really has been a great friend and source of comfort. i try to return the support but he's more hardheaded than me and doesn't listen as much. he's left a few comments here and there over the last few months but normally just sends me an email to chastise or harass me lol. anyhoo Mr. Good Nyhte thanks for being in my life, it has meant more than i can say.

occurs to me that i wasn't finished babbling lol. i updated the cast list to include GN. nothing major but hey it makes it easier to track everyone. i'm a little tired today and i'm hoping to hook up with someone today to finish a project i've been working on. not sure when or if that is gonna happen but if it goes well i'll let ya know. if it doesn't then hey i might want to lick my wounds in private and stuff. i'm gonna finish watching hoodwinked. talk to y'all later.


what's going on in your part of the blogosphere?

Thursday, October 02, 2008 2 comments
red is fine. she is happy, not gushing over the moon but happy still. she loves and is loved. i hate talking about myself in third person lol. i am in bed sick today. i will probably be in bed tomorrow as well. it's nothing overly major but it sucks all the same. i'm missing my Daddy but i always miss Him. He can never know how important He is to my life. But i'm gonna try my best to show Him when i get a chance.

right now i'm watching mr. and mrs. smith for the umpteenth time. i think this move is adorable for some reason. yes i know that makes me slightly twisted. i'm gonna go forage for something that calms my stomach down since Daddy isn't here to rub it until i feel better. see ya later


the old cliche rings true

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 1 comment
sometimes a girl just needs a bubble bath. i've been feeling like crap for a while and i kept thinking i need to destress and listen to my music and chill in the tub. didn't do it. worked till i passed out and kept a vice grip on my teddy bear while i slept. i took one the other day, bubble bath that is, and it was great. had good music playing and when i got out of the soaking i ran to the store so the good music came with me. all i can say is it cleared my head. i will be happy and enjoy my life and if someone is able to join me on that journey great. but if not i have so much to be happy about and smile about.



Wednesday, September 17, 2008 2 comments
when i started this blog over two years ago now i was newly in lust with my first real Dom. everything seemed possible and bright. for those of you that were around then we know it crashed and burned several months later. but to my surprise i met a new Dom, one much better suited to me and who i was and all things seemed possible again. then He was deployed and i hunkered down to be a good soldier to my Roaming Soldier. six months turned to a year, then a year became two and while the contact was sparse at least there was contact. it has been seven months since i heard from RS. i don't know where He is, the army won't tell me. i don't know if He is okay. i do know that i am not.

this is not to whine or bemoan my fate because no one has made me wait but myself. i want one of these possibilities to work out for a change. other things have made me question myself, other people, over the last year. and last night a piece of me shattered. it reoccurred to me that maybe somewhere someone who gets to make these decisions has decided i'm not ready or worthy of the possibility becoming reality. and that resonated in the most painful emotions i've had in years. i didn't feel this bad when Emp decided i wasn't what he wanted and believe me when i say i felt like shit then.

i just want what it looks like other people seem to get with no effort and no real thought. people who mistreat those who give it to them while i try to make myself acceptable. i am very tired. my soul hurts right now. and i'm not sure if i'll be back at all. i can't keep repairing myself. i don't have the energy left anymore. why am i not enough?


life is interesting

Thursday, August 28, 2008 No comments
well where do i begin? things with me have been in flux as usual. i've been denying to myself more than anyone else that i am mentally exhausted. i love my friends and family and job but i am tired. i'm tired of managing everything from what i wear to where i will park in the morning to what i will do when i come home in the evening knowing that most of what i want to do can't be done because there is no one to do it with. i want Him, i think i deserve Him and i need to understand (while i know i never will) why i can't have Him right now. my mother won't go to the movies with me and i really don't want to go out to eat with her. food is always more interesting to me at home when i can manage what goes in and out of it. and we can cancel the shopping 99 percent of the time. i might do some of that this weekend but i just as easily might stay under the covers. that's where i've been a lot lately. watching tv and researching things. i'm going to finish the alphabet game stories but for now keep them off the blog on the off chance a publisher i contact wants to do something with them. if they all say no then you will get a rush of smut for your eyes and hormones to devour.

beyond that it feels like i haven't talked to Daddy in forever. six months and counting since there's been a word from the desert. i've heard the "be strong" and "it will all be okay" and have even told myself "no news is good news" mantras quite enough now. i understand that life isn't fair. hell i have to help people understand that daily. but how much of the unfair does one have to endure before there are sunshine and roses? i'm happy most of the time really. but late at night it's hard to keep smiling when it's just me and the stuffed animals. i'm not even lonely at this point, i'm just getting indifferent to things in my own life. which is odd because when i get pictures of the kids in my life everything seems wonderful and possible. with the people i work with when i see them figure out there is a new way of doing things that inspires me. and then i'm left with my own blah and it's just all gone.

the other night i smiled my ass off because i watched a woman in love with her husband try to make the country fall in love with him too. for a myriad of reasons i hope she is successful so i don't have to start typing this blog from denmark or sweden or somewhere else because i'm not sure i can deal with another 4 years of republican rule. but beyond that for another few hours i was full of hope that love can overcome all things if given time. i'm just waiting to see if that happens to be the case for me too. ahh well i think i want some ice cream now. do the girl moody thing to a hilt why don't we?

Sunday, August 24, 2008 No comments

Your Bedroom Personality: Wild

In the bedroom, you are eager to try anything that's new - and even daring.

You are up for experimenting. In fact, that's pretty much all you do.

And while there's never a dull moment with you, your wild ways can be a bit overwhelming.

You may be afraid of being a "one trick pony," but it's okay to keep things basic from time to time.

You Are Sexually Powerful

Your attitude toward sex is healthy, safe, and sane.

You enjoy sex as much as (or possibly even more than) the average person.

You're open minded, intelligent, and adventurous when exploring your sexuality.

And while you never take things too far, you take them far enough!

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.

A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people

Your flirting style: 100% natural

What turns you off: serious relationship talks

Why you're hot: you're totally addicting


alphabet game

Wednesday, August 06, 2008 2 comments
okay so you haven't had any new smut in ages. i actually started this post to be the next letter and my brain is giving me nada. i need some inspiration and i'll get to the five remaining letters. if you have any ideas for the letters let me know. if i use your idea i'll be sure to give you credit for it. our last lonely unattended to letters are


You Are More Like Angelina Jolie

Bad girl with a heart of gold.

You are smart, sexy, and strong willed.

You aren't against stealing another girl's man...

If he's better off with you!


little girl lost

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 2 comments
okay so you're getting two posts today. this one wasn't intended. i guess the other one wasn't either. it's been five months since i heard from RS. i'm feeling very disconnected from everything right now. i keep getting sick and as i have told folks that's a by product of me feeling more stressed lately. i've been dealing with a lot of things in my head too which aren't helping. i've gone from worried to pissed to worried to whatever this is i'm feeling now. you'd think i'd have words for it but i don't. you know i mentioned the old couples and wanting to be with someone that long. truthfully right now i'd kill to just have someone lying next to me more evenings than not with no imminent threat of death or separation hanging over our heads.

i've stopped getting excited when i get mail notices because i doubt seriously they are from Him. i don't eagerly check the mail because i can't tell you the last time i touched something He sent. i want to be a good little girl but it's very lonely without some contact from Him. i need my Daddy and He just isn't available to me right now. how do you keep moving when you're just tired and want to sit still and cry?


random post

okay so i don't watch a lot of reality tv because it sorta sucks lol. but for the last few weeks i have been watching the baby borrowers. if you haven't seen any of the episodes or heard of it the concept is to let teenage couples enjoy the experiences of raising infants to toddlers and etc till they were dealing with elderly parents. they were closely monitored and well let's just say that was a blessing. they five couples were ready to get married and have them some babies. at the end of the experiment none of them were together, one couple split up before then, and thankfully none of them had any kids. it was a good thing i believe for teenagers to see the number of ways their relationships could and would be strained by having children. they all were just so inspired by their elderly pseudo parents but thankfully again they realized what they needed to do in order to be with someone 60/70 years they weren't ready to do. i was sad to see that one of the parents' wives had died after the experiment as they had been together 70 years i believe but that in and of itself is just touching. as was the man whose wife had already died and said that she was a blessing in his life for 67 years. he was just looking forward to seeing her in heaven. i mean really what can you say to that? i was not under the delusion that i wanted to have babies at that age. heck i'm not even sure i want to have them all the time now. i would like to shoot for 60 odd years but that would make me 92 at this point and i have no ring or wedding date. okay i'm done being random lol. see ya



Monday, July 14, 2008 2 comments
okay someone alerted me to the fact that i haven't said anything over the last month. really i don't have an excuse this time. i still have extra relatives around--even though technically no one is home but me BUT that would be because those folks are at the hospital right now. long story, so don't want to get into it but suffice it to say old people should be required to go to the doctor whenever we say so JUST because we're typically right. if we happen to be wrong i guess we can pick up the bill but i'd rather them be ok and me out some cash than stuck in the hospital because we're trying to honor their right to be stubborn jackasses. moving on.

every now and then i wake up and think the last three years didn't happen. Emp will be waiting on a call and the nice RS fellow never came into my life. so we know i'm sleep deprived as hell when those mornings occur because short of a life saving transplant it's unlikely i would ever come in contact with Emp again. and my very nice soldier still is very nice somewhere else. there has still been no word from Him or the army about Him so i really have no idea what that means. i pray that He is all right and that He will return home safely but the longer He's gone the more i worry about that. mostly for littlest soldier. this would be horribly unfair to her. losing my dad at 25 was hard enough i can't imagine what i would be like to be without both parents before the age of 10.

so really nothing is going on around here. just trying to keep my head above water. if you get a moment say a prayer for my soldiers and all the others that have been away from home too long and those that won't be coming home anymore.


holy crapola batman!

Friday, June 13, 2008 4 comments
Okay so i really didn't have a cute title for this. i didn't realize i hadn't posted in over a month. as soon as we finished the project at work my brain went mushy and then i went on vacation because mom was gone and well vacation rocks. so do the boston celtics as of this moment. i had damn near refused to watch the end of the game. i mean they were losing 26-7 early in the game. they were hurting my feelings. yes i know how can random men who i am unlikely to ever meet hurt my feelings. that's the weird thing about watching sports. if you are rooting for or against someone then this massive us versus them thing happens and well i really like garnett and allen and i really hate---yes hate---kobe bryant. i do feel bad for his teammates as i love derek fisher and lamar odom but i want them to lose real whole lot unless kobe decides to retire between now and sunday. in that case i want a tough 7 game series. otherwise i hope that boston wins one of the next two games and puts me and kobe out of our somewhat-tied-together-misery for entirely different reasons.

i have no other updates, RS is still not home and i still haven't heard from Him. i'm not sure what to do at this point.


it's vacation time

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 2 comments
just so you guys don't worry, in about 36 hours my vacation is officially starting. i haven't taken one since right before my birthday and i need this time to myself. i doubt i'll be posting or reading anything from anyone. actually i've been really bad about that lately so i can't act like that's a new thing. the ebb and flow of my life lately has just swung back to crappyville and i'd rather not dump here again. after vacation is over i'll make some decisions about this blog, my life and what i want to do with both. until then just know that i'm physically okay and i'm sure everything else will come to pass when it's supposed to.


it occurs to me...

Saturday, May 10, 2008 No comments
hey everyone,

it occurs to me that i have been some what of a whiny bitch lately. i have to recognize that i haven't packed it in because part of me still believes in the idea of what could be for me and RS. reality is a pain in the ass and interferes with daydreams and plans. part of a submissive's life is going to entail some sort of waiting, for commands or for His attention. this situation is different granted but waiting would still be involved. let me just say that i have a new perspective on things at the moment and i'm keeping myself busy with good friends who i would be lost without. this is just another period of self exploration i guess and i'm always up for becoming more of who i was meant to be. i love the man i call Daddy and nothing is gonna change that right now.



always waiting

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 3 comments
that is what i've been doing for years now. waiting to be wanted, to be used and i am really really tired. for every step i take forward i feel like i have been slapped backwards four more. given the right circumstances that might not distress me but these are not the right circumstances. when do i get to have what i want?


where oh where has little girl been

Tuesday, April 08, 2008 No comments
i don't have a good excuse for my absence. i cried the night of my last post and quite a few in between. i've been stressed and tired and horny and upset and for a week or so just in a funk. we haven't talked since last i wrote. and my mom is still reeling from grandma's death so that's a problem. i was tied up with some activities that were mildly distracting and completely exhausting. at the end of it though i can say that i'm happy i was there and could help out. but it's over and recovery mode has started and it's just another event that He wasn't here for. i have really stopped keeping track of them, especially while the event is occurring, and don't notice until the aftermath/recovery kicks in and i have no one to celebrate with. just me and my bed and my bears and mildly high blood pressure lol.

i haven't written letters or mailed most checks out for friendly things like i thought i would. i haven't even been keeping up with my favorite shows. people have asked if i'm depressed and i really am not, i'm just tired. i'm so over being lonely that i know that's not it either. i just don't have a lot to say. i know that when He can be home that He will. i know that He loves me and i do love Him. at the moment i guess i could say i'm just not eagerly anticipating His return. as each month has ticked by i've been disappointed by the lack of anything resembling a return home day. i try not to get upset about that either even though i'm not always successful with that.

so to answer my own question, i think i've been hiding out. my brain hasn't been able to process much beyond the basics and the basics truly aren't all that interesting. we'll see what happens now that it's somewhat back to firing on most of the cylinders i still have intact lol. see y'all later.


500 words won't be enough

Saturday, February 23, 2008 2 comments
Okay so i vanished again. i have a valid excuse, hell i have several, but i've sort of felt blocked not posting so here we go. i swear before heaven this will be a long random ranting thing so if you don't want to read it just scroll down to the quizzes and have a nice day/night.

this post is my 500th lol. for something i wasn't sure about doing in the first place, even with all the slow down recently, i wasn't exactly thinking 500 would come to pass. ESPECIALLY after that lovely day when emperor told me that i was essentially delusional and the last year didn't mean a freaking thing. i was convinced i was going to let the blog go dark, i mean it was about us after all, but you all were very nice and kept me tethered to a community i wasn't sure i wanted to remain in at all. and as we all know a short time later i met Roaming Soldier. and i thought good lord where had He been hiding because He seemed like a big present in a shiny bow that had been dropped on my doorstep all out of nowhere.

but as the course with my life lol, for every nice wonderful thing that happens an alternate crappy balancing thing has to happen. in this case He was deployed and for the last two years we have been separated by increased physical distance and inability to talk to each other when we want let alone see each other. it was hard not seeing emp when i wanted to, but this is just a big slice of hell cake. of course it wasn't as bad at the beginning but as this last stretch of time has come up, it's been so hard to go to bed every night hoping He's okay and sent home soon. for those of you that might be worried---we are still together, i'm just talking. another round of holidays, birthdays and now anniversary with limited contact. i wasn't expecting to hear from Him at all so i have to admit i was happy to get the im but it just made me miss Him again more than i thought it would. why yesterday i don't know. it wasn't any different than a few weeks ago when i talked to Him on Valentine's Day. that conversation left me hopeful for some reason. maybe because He was joking about going AWOL but it did give me hope. i need something i can't have right now and it sucks. i'm just incredibly lonely today and i don't know how to make it not the case for once.

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many.

The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately.

You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss.

A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.


back from oz

Friday, January 11, 2008 2 comments
hey boys and girls. sorry for my absence. i was still basking in post baby glow and then making sure i was going to get scheduled for my last phase of being dr. red. that was this morning and it went swimmingly if i do say so myself. i spent the last few weeks studying and reviewing my notes from that lengthy spell of graduate training. then i worried and prayed and hoped to high heaven that i would get nice folks to talk to and i did. a few hours later, i'm all done with the school stuff for the moment. just gotta keep up my CEU hours and pay them when they like i'll be okay. i also get a raise and who doesn't like raises. okay i really am going to try to take a nap now. i should be back in a few days with new smut.