little girl lost

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 2 comments
okay so you're getting two posts today. this one wasn't intended. i guess the other one wasn't either. it's been five months since i heard from RS. i'm feeling very disconnected from everything right now. i keep getting sick and as i have told folks that's a by product of me feeling more stressed lately. i've been dealing with a lot of things in my head too which aren't helping. i've gone from worried to pissed to worried to whatever this is i'm feeling now. you'd think i'd have words for it but i don't. you know i mentioned the old couples and wanting to be with someone that long. truthfully right now i'd kill to just have someone lying next to me more evenings than not with no imminent threat of death or separation hanging over our heads.

i've stopped getting excited when i get mail notices because i doubt seriously they are from Him. i don't eagerly check the mail because i can't tell you the last time i touched something He sent. i want to be a good little girl but it's very lonely without some contact from Him. i need my Daddy and He just isn't available to me right now. how do you keep moving when you're just tired and want to sit still and cry?


random post

okay so i don't watch a lot of reality tv because it sorta sucks lol. but for the last few weeks i have been watching the baby borrowers. if you haven't seen any of the episodes or heard of it the concept is to let teenage couples enjoy the experiences of raising infants to toddlers and etc till they were dealing with elderly parents. they were closely monitored and well let's just say that was a blessing. they five couples were ready to get married and have them some babies. at the end of the experiment none of them were together, one couple split up before then, and thankfully none of them had any kids. it was a good thing i believe for teenagers to see the number of ways their relationships could and would be strained by having children. they all were just so inspired by their elderly pseudo parents but thankfully again they realized what they needed to do in order to be with someone 60/70 years they weren't ready to do. i was sad to see that one of the parents' wives had died after the experiment as they had been together 70 years i believe but that in and of itself is just touching. as was the man whose wife had already died and said that she was a blessing in his life for 67 years. he was just looking forward to seeing her in heaven. i mean really what can you say to that? i was not under the delusion that i wanted to have babies at that age. heck i'm not even sure i want to have them all the time now. i would like to shoot for 60 odd years but that would make me 92 at this point and i have no ring or wedding date. okay i'm done being random lol. see ya



Monday, July 14, 2008 2 comments
okay someone alerted me to the fact that i haven't said anything over the last month. really i don't have an excuse this time. i still have extra relatives around--even though technically no one is home but me BUT that would be because those folks are at the hospital right now. long story, so don't want to get into it but suffice it to say old people should be required to go to the doctor whenever we say so JUST because we're typically right. if we happen to be wrong i guess we can pick up the bill but i'd rather them be ok and me out some cash than stuck in the hospital because we're trying to honor their right to be stubborn jackasses. moving on.

every now and then i wake up and think the last three years didn't happen. Emp will be waiting on a call and the nice RS fellow never came into my life. so we know i'm sleep deprived as hell when those mornings occur because short of a life saving transplant it's unlikely i would ever come in contact with Emp again. and my very nice soldier still is very nice somewhere else. there has still been no word from Him or the army about Him so i really have no idea what that means. i pray that He is all right and that He will return home safely but the longer He's gone the more i worry about that. mostly for littlest soldier. this would be horribly unfair to her. losing my dad at 25 was hard enough i can't imagine what i would be like to be without both parents before the age of 10.

so really nothing is going on around here. just trying to keep my head above water. if you get a moment say a prayer for my soldiers and all the others that have been away from home too long and those that won't be coming home anymore.