and in braking news

Friday, October 24, 2008 2 comments
okay folks, it's been a long strange week. i was in a car accident last Friday. i wasn't injured just a little sore and more than anything annoyed about my car. i found out a couple of days ago they were going to total it which is annoying but it was incredibly close to being paid off and since someone rear ended me i won't have to pay the deductible. i'm gonna start looking for a new car sunday maybe. i've been on call so the last week hasn't allowed my brain to do much processing on that. unless they cut a HUGE check i'm gonna get something else used and just hope to get my payments back to where they were.

i'm probably gonna go to bed early tonight because i have to take mom to the airport in the morning. that wouldn't be a huge deal but the closest airport to us is extra special HIGH to fly out of unless you are flying into certain markets. so we're doing a two hour trek--let me rephrase i'm doing a four hour trek--to get her off to see her granddaughter. i know i'll be exhausted tomorrow afternoon but the house will be quiet and i can run around naked again. she is complaining about everything and threatening not coming back again and after the last few fights we've had i truly don't care. she doesn't respect me or my time and didn't ask to do 99 percent of what she's asked for in the last 96 hours in the weeks prior to this when i wasn't nearly as busy. today after i got in from work and clearing out the car (which really shouldn't be traumatizing but it is) she has another list of things she wants to do. i say i'm tired and no i don't want to take her then. she thinks of three other things and asks again and then stares at me when i again say no.

i used to feel bad about that but really nothing i do is ever enough which annoys me. i have been late getting home three of the last five days because of her but me wanting to rest tonight is being selfish in her eyes. i gave her half of the food someone was nice enough to treat me to at work and she comes to ask for the stuff i was planning to eat myself. had i said no she would have stared at me again lol like how dare i tell her no. i'm really tired tonight and i really miss those arms.

see ya later


just because it needs to be seen

Sunday, October 19, 2008 3 comments


His words, my mantra

Saturday, October 18, 2008 1 comment
i've been thinking about this post for the last few days. i told y'all about the bad dreams. i told You about how He was there to make it all okay and i had a good if not totally productive day. the next night He told me something i wasn't expecting and when another semi disturbing dream hit, i repeated that or what i could remember of it in my sleep deprived state and fell back asleep. the next weird dream didn't even get to register because i heard Him in my ear. as i'm trying to sleep and holding tight to my teddy bear i kiss it repeating the words until i doze off.

the mantra as it were has made me smile and feel very calm when it's bounced around in my head. it gives me something to focus on when the subbie free fall starts to happen and i'm not sure when i'm gonna hit ground. i get there, safely, and with much fewer bruises. thankfully i have good subbie sisters, who i affectionately refer to as the collective, that have been in the lifestyle much longer than i and who remind me of the most important thing in any given situation.

because of them and because i'm being slightly more focused about what i'm doing and when i can let the words soothe me as they do. i've been clearing out some negative energy around me and that has made an interesting difference in my perspective on things. patience has never been one of my virtues. i got some when my father passed in 2001 but i think i tapped all that out lately. but i've started a little ritual, a checklist, that keeps me quiet in my spirit and lets me just be. it could be because i see possibilities again or it could just be that my brain and my body are finally willing to talk to my emotional self and all get along.

i don't know what the road ahead of me holds but i'm looking forward to what is around the bend. i'll be repeating my mantra along the way.


bad dreams, good mornings

Thursday, October 16, 2008 1 comment
the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. i have been up and down with work, up and down with my mom, and up and down with my romantic life. every time i think one is stable another screws up and right now they are all setting my cute little ass in the fire. the work thing is calming down now and nothing but time and more bodies to do the job will make that better. my mother is leaving town to go see my niece soon so that will give me a brief respite from all of the chaos that comes from living with a crazy old woman. which only leaves my love life and i swear i can make things as complicated as blindfolded calculus when you're already drunk and horny.

you know from my previous post my up and down moods are a somewhat tied to not having those arms late at night. and while waiting didn't seem like such a big deal when i was speaking with RS more regularly, we haven't really talked this year at all which has made the wait less and less palatable. i'm sure some of you will wonder what the sanctuary post was about if i was getting ready to bump RS out of the picture. i do still care about RS, a lot, but over the last few months i've spent a lot of time with someone else and have grown to love them. they have been there through some of my roughest crashes about the state of my life and just things that have been overwhelming me the more disconnected i've grown from RS and partially from the lifestyle. being with Him has made me calm and encouraged and renew myself in my submission. of course with all things in my life the situation is complicated so His arms aren't here every night either but He is very involved in my life and always there when i need Him most. the room makeover was a present for both of us for being honest with each other and trying to embrace whatever we have building between us.

a few nights i had a very bad dream. so bad that i sat up at nearly 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep to save my life. i turned on my computer and He was there. we talked through the dream and a tantrum i had earlier in the evening. i didn't go back to sleep but left for work happy and smiling. then my zune had to decide what kind of mood it was in, mostly it was happy so we sped to work singing along and happy. that day was my short day so the lack of sleep wasn't as much of a killer as it could have been. but He was there as He normally is saying and doing unexpectedly sweet things. so ignoring the fact that i only slept for three hours and didn't get to stay at home until after i ran an errand my mind was feeling clear. so i sat down to work on this but it wasn't ready to be posted so i gave y'all the other brief synopsis first.

it's not how i normally handle things. i would normally wait until i had a clear indication from my partner before i made any decisions. i do like to be a good girl after all. had things gone as planned i'd either be on my honeymoon or celebrating my anniversary. but plans haven't held. i most assuredly never planned on feeling the way i do about the person in my life now. it was a surprise, a welcome one, but most definitely a surprise. as long as He wants to be in my life and allows me in His i'll keep calling on Him because He makes things all right.


long time coming

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 No comments
okay boys and girls this is not an announcement i wanted to make ever really especially now since i can't seem to get in contact with Him at all but i'm taking an RS break. i understand the situation isn't His doing or His fault. i have tried to be a good soldier and for a while i think i had it down. but this deployment has taken a heavier toll on me than i expected most notably when the anticipated return dates kept passing. i've been debating this within myself and with some of you for several months now, well the better part of the year really. but recent things have made it necessary for me to make this decision. hopefully we can sit down and talk when He returns but for now that relationship has to be put to rest. i don't really want to talk about it too much more than this truthfully and i'll just have to ask for patience as things shift around the rope. don't worry i'm not running away, just need to pace out what i'm willing to share about right now.



Sunday, October 12, 2008 1 comment
i went on a posting spree then vanished for a week. a lot has been going on at work and been trying to get all cute cause my hair was doing the who what when where and why thing all at the same time and that was NOT attractive. for those of you that are wondering what happened to the smut i finished two stories yesterday and plan on finishing the other two today so the alphabet will be complete. if i can then get off my duff i will speak to a few people i know that might be interested in publishing it and if that goes well then yeah the other smut may come down as that process goes forward. none of this has anything to do with the title of the post though.

i decided a few weeks ago my bedroom needed a makeover. it had been some combination of red for several years now and i wanted something more soothing. a space that could provide me refuge from the things that go bump in the night and hell in the daytime as well. i wanted a safe space that was set up for me and someone i love to disappear from the rest of the world whenever we needed to. so the idea of sanctuary came to me. no political or scary ties to it just a space that when needed could provide us a private refuge that was just ours and that we could both enjoy for whatever reasons we needed to.

not sure how many of you are familiar with feng shui or not but one of the primary bedroom recommendations is that you and your partner be able to get into the bed freely on each side. now my good friends know, cleaning so not on the top of my list of things to do so in order to achieve that nifty free entry trick it took me the better part of a week to put things back where they belong and provide space around the bed. room looks great and it wasn't that hard to do but it seemed necessary to provide the space i was going for. i hung a candelabra above the bed and outfitted it with these lovely scented tapered candles. the whole thing has been done in a very calming blue that makes me happy every time i step foot in the room. my original idea has given me more day to day peace inside the walls than i could have imagined.

the only weird thing is i cant sleep on either side of the bed right now. typically i would sleep on the left and move across the bed. now i'm sleeping dead center most nights, almost like i'm waiting on someone to slide in with me. when Daddy starts sliding in with me though, Daddy Bear might be hanging out in the closet with other dolls ROFLMAO. that's so mean. he's been chilling with me for years. ok i'm gonna bounce now, need to decide if i'm staying up before i work on Q and X. if you haven't done it and you need to think about making some room somewhere a safe haven for you too.


worth revisited

Monday, October 06, 2008 No comments
okay not too long ago i wrote what can best be described as a very depressing piece about worth and being valued enough to be WITH your partner. as i was showering tonight i started thinking about when my worth became tied to who was holding me at night. because really during the day i'm active and productive and busy. but at night, at night it's just me and the stuffed animals. that's when the lonely sinks in and that's when it starts to hurt that no one is hugging me back.

but at 22 i didn't care about that. i was finishing undergrad and dating around and in general just enjoying life and what the next adventure might be. there were moments when the long term happy with one person seemed appealing but the loss of it wasn't devastating to my psyche. at 25 i was reeling from my father's death so really the last thing i was worried about was my long term happy. i wanted someone to console me but i had my brothers, mother, friends and family who did a bang up job and helped me through that phase. at 28 i was winding up with the main part of my doctoral program and was just hoping that a few things broke the right way for me. they did and i was estactic. it was here that i know i started wanting someone to share all these thing with. it seemed lonely to be accomplishing things with no one to cheer me on and encourage me. but i had all my adopted nieces and nephews and lord they rocked so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

even at 30 the ache for the arms wasn't as pressing. i just got my first job and my mother was moving in so there were other stressors to wade through before boy was necessary. i was dating by then, i was with emp by then or getting ready to not be with emp either way i missed him but i wasn't decidedly distressed that he wasn't holding me nightly. i just figured in time we'd work that all out and i was getting ready to move actually lol but that didn't work out that way. and RS is a dream in so many ways, a good sweet dream but not something i've had a chance to hold onto. the days stretching made me more aware of that but it's not about him really.

it's about the feeling that i am not quite complete without those arms. i know that isn't the case. i am strong and independent and at the end of the day can take care of myself. so let me not say it's the feeling more than the desire to be in someone's arms each night. to rest my ear against their chest and hear their heartbeat slow while we drift off to sleep. it's somewhat about that nice smack on the ass, or across the face quite unexpectedly to garner a reaction mid coitus, and the knowledge that i have trusted another human enough to put myself in their control. i miss having those things now. i miss them and don't know when i can have them. that is what throws me off when i'm having a bad day. if i knew 30 days from now life would be like what i dream about then i'd just mark the days off my calendar and go yippee. but i don't know that and really none of us can know that. at 32 i long for embrace at a way that wouldn't have crossed my mind ten years ago. not having it or having the possibility of it ripped from my grasp just throws me into a tailspin from time to time. from now on i'll try to just have a drink and take a bubble bath when they hit but i know they'll hit.

for now i'll just keep thinking and praying and keeping myself as centered as possible until arms get to keep me close every night.

see ya later


Okay this is super random

Saturday, October 04, 2008 1 comment
Don't know if y'all watched the VP debate. It was pretty good even though there were clear moments where the smack down could have been laid and was not. i was impressed that Palin kept pronouncing a few big names well and on the topics she knew she sounded solid. i was more impressed with Biden, was offering to have his little mullato baby by the time it was done lol. Okay so i'm rambling. someone sent this to me and it is freaking hilarious so here ya go.

Palin's Debate Flow Chart


train of thought

Friday, October 03, 2008 No comments
the world we live in is so complicated some times. i entered the lifestyle probably with some delusions about it's increased stability for my own life. i mean the nice vanilla boys couldn't hurt and love me so already there was a step ahead just by finding a man that understood those needs. but i wasn't paying attention to the initial message i got that hey this is just like the world you are leaving EXCEPT there is better understanding. my lifestyle relationships well lol for those have been here the whole while you know the first crashed and burned hard. from a lovely visit to please don't talk to me again over the course of a week. the second one seems much more in line with who i am and what i want but well He's gone with no definite return plan. many of you have told me to cut Him loose at this stage but that seems so unfair considering none of this was His plan or fault. having said that though at some point i think if i don't hear from Him it will just be too late. not sure if i'm there yet but it's probably coming. there are other people out there i know that too. the thing is i'm not really interested in seeking them out. i have good friends who care about me and they are keeping my spirits up.

one in particular has been there so long i can't even tell you when we met. he's been goofy when i needed goofy, sweet when i needed sweet and a huge ego boost when i needed that too. we listen to a lot of the same music so we have debates about that all the time among other things. i didn't realize how much i missed arguing with folks so thanks ROFLMAO. i feel bad for not mentioning him more directly in all this time because he really has been a great friend and source of comfort. i try to return the support but he's more hardheaded than me and doesn't listen as much. he's left a few comments here and there over the last few months but normally just sends me an email to chastise or harass me lol. anyhoo Mr. Good Nyhte thanks for being in my life, it has meant more than i can say.

occurs to me that i wasn't finished babbling lol. i updated the cast list to include GN. nothing major but hey it makes it easier to track everyone. i'm a little tired today and i'm hoping to hook up with someone today to finish a project i've been working on. not sure when or if that is gonna happen but if it goes well i'll let ya know. if it doesn't then hey i might want to lick my wounds in private and stuff. i'm gonna finish watching hoodwinked. talk to y'all later.


what's going on in your part of the blogosphere?

Thursday, October 02, 2008 2 comments
red is fine. she is happy, not gushing over the moon but happy still. she loves and is loved. i hate talking about myself in third person lol. i am in bed sick today. i will probably be in bed tomorrow as well. it's nothing overly major but it sucks all the same. i'm missing my Daddy but i always miss Him. He can never know how important He is to my life. But i'm gonna try my best to show Him when i get a chance.

right now i'm watching mr. and mrs. smith for the umpteenth time. i think this move is adorable for some reason. yes i know that makes me slightly twisted. i'm gonna go forage for something that calms my stomach down since Daddy isn't here to rub it until i feel better. see ya later