red is green

Wednesday, October 26, 2011 No comments
well i'm not blue at this stage. i'm not bright and sunny yellow but i'm feeling a lot better than i did when i wrote the post yesterday. we had a long talk and still not thrilled but sorta like the last time He left, a wave of this is just where we are hit me last night as we talked. we slept pretty well and had a decent "i'll see ya later" this morning--He doesn't like saying good bye in these situations lol. i managed to make it through the day with minimal tears--just a smidgen when i was walking to the car this morning to head to work. it's hard being in bed by myself don't get me wrong, but He did His best to reassure me that things would be okay. and i came home to find a present in bed. Daddy Bear is laying on His side of the bed. He doesn't give off heat and he can't hug but it's a cute gesture all the same. i'm going to try to nurture the bit of hope and faith that exists in my body and reinforce our home on this end and try to wait patiently for His return. as for now, gotta decide if i'm gonna sit under the dryer or hope my hair is dry in the morning. i hate the dryer so i'm probably just gonna pray about it and hope i don't have to flat iron in the morning. i didn't want to lose the routine just because i'm a little upset so i should go work out a bit before i get in bed too. see ya all later



red is blue

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 No comments
i've been trying not to come here and vent for the last few months. Because while some things are going great other things, the most important things to me, feel like crap. i've been doing a lot more to take care of myself and i can say that is because of His urging to some degree. i'm on regular vitamins, i've cut out a lot of the juice i consumed in favor of crystal light and fruitables (if you haven't had any, check them out, they are great), i've been more active with my workouts and i've taken a more genuine interest in taking care of my hair. that may sound silly but it's hard to make it healthy and grow if you are ignoring it all the damn time. since the last time i wrote, it's starting to thicken back up and is growing, bouncy and shiny--when i'm on my routine. it's not as shiny when i'm not lol but it's still bouncy and growing. on that front i'm in a good place but it's all been just covering up the explosion i must have been sitting on emotionally.

He's leaving again. Tomorrow morning, He's taking some unknown to me as of yet amount of His things with Him and is heading to where His ex is. Why you may ask? Are things with us on the outs? Not really, up until a few weeks ago even though this was a possibility we were doing pretty well. Enjoying the house to ourselves because mom is gone, cooking and hanging out together--good times. Even had a class planned to take together that He will now not be here for. if i go, it will be solo and right now i just really don't want to go at all. but due to something she initiated years ago the timeline got screwed up on His plan and due to her increasingly ill health and inability to do what He wants done with His kids, He's leaving our house again. This time for who knows how long. He has stressed to me though that He plans to return and i should just have faith in that plan. however, plans when it comes to her are never easily completed and i am tired of waiting for the issues with her to be resolved. it makes me sound cold, it makes me feel that way but i don't like her or the perpetual things we've had to put on hold because of her. He says i'm fixated on her and truthfully i don't think about her as much as i can but when this keeps happening it's hard not to look at what i see to be the truth in the situation and that all of our separations are because of her inability to be a grown up. He leaves to take care of the kids but it's because she can't/won't. He left to help her move because her family sucks and wouldn't.

if i am lucky He'll be back in six months. i don't anticipate being lucky. i anticipate this dragging on and me laying in what used to be our bed that i'm in alone wondering how much longer i can hold on. i anticipate hurting and i anticipate being angry that yet again our life is moving in slow motion. i want to be super supportive girl but she's pissed off too. how do you support something that is so fundamentally causing you distress? if someone knows feel free to share.