In a weird head space..

Friday, March 15, 2013 No comments
I have no idea where this post will end up but I'm kind of frustrated.  I've been mostly unemployed, I say mostly because I still teach part time in the evenings when I can, for the last two months and that has given me way more free time than I want.  It has helped with the insomnia that I haven't needed to get up for anything but I don't like not working, I need to be busier than I am.  At the same time, communication has almost entirely shut down with the ex.  Every time I really start missing him, as I mentioned in my last post, something turns up and pisses me off and then I just let it go again.  Him being here would probably just make this time worse too because then I'd be home looking at him struggling to deal with me and the situation with his ex so again I guess that's a good thing too that he's not here.  While I joke about it in my vanilla/professional life I'm tired and upset that I'm currently single with no children.  It doesn't overwhelm me but it makes me feel out of sorts that short of getting my degree and doing my best to take care of my mother nothing I've planned on has worked out as planned. 

I wasn't delusional enough to think I'd marry Emperor but I could have seen myself locked in his dungeon for a while.  Roaming Soldier and that whole thing feels like a daydream at this point.  He was everything I ever really wanted complete with cute little daughter and I haven't heard from him since he apologized for being away and disappearing again.  When I tried to reply a few weeks/months later that it was okay and I wanted him to get in touch as soon as he could, the account was closed.  And the last implosion ehhh just don't even want to get into that.  So since I didn't take my own advice really the last decade of my life was spent in back to back relationships with no time to decompress and sort out what went wrong.  I mean I know but emotionally it's always messy.  Now I'm wondering if I'm even subbie cause I'm so disinterested in being someone's little girl right now.  It just isn't appealing.  Really I'm feeling very asexual most of the time.  I orgasm from time to time but I'm not remotely needing someone else to be there right now.

What I want right now is a job and an adorable little kid.  A husband would be nice but isn't part of what I envision right now which is weird cause I've always said I want to do things in order but wanting is NOT working out.  Then there's the whole Taken in Hand thing that has entered my brain.  It lines up with what I used to daydream about.  A nice strong safe man that I could follow faithfully, makes me want to wear my aprons and cook and make martinis--that's more 1950s I know but that's I guess what I'm thinking of.  I wan to be able to surrender to someone that I can fully trust and depend on and love.  I've continued to be wrong whenever I think I've found him which could be why I'm just zoned out from the possibility of it now.  I know you're probably tired of the bitching and just really miss the smut.  When I have some for you believe me you'll get it.  I have no inspiration right now unfortunately.

Anyhoo welcome to my one lone follower.  Hopefully it's interesting if nothing else.


Jumbled and Messy

Thursday, March 07, 2013 No comments
So yeah I've been absent a bit again.  I really didn't have much to say and was considering just shutting things down permanently.  That didn't seem to make a lot of sense because I come here to vent and where would I do that if I wasn't in this space.  Anyway, as I've been driving around from work or to interviews I've had a lot of time with my Zune.  Last night One Foot Wrong, Carry On and Just a Fool came on in sequence.  I love all three artists (Pink, Fun and Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton) so I listened to them a few times in a row.  And it made me start thinking about most recent ex.  I came home thinking I should call him and chat and see if there's any hope there really.  Then I picked up a piece of mail that came to the house for him which was a reminder of all the stupid ish I asked him to handle a certain way, he promptly did it another way and that way ultimately keeps coming back to bite him in the ass.  These reminders don't come often but they do seem to coincide when I get tired of being by myself and having to take care of things all on my own.  Whatever higher power is looking out for me intervenes and I appreciate that because right now he's not in any place to make things easier.  He may never be in that place and I don't want to resent him or perpetually be angry.  Those are not good looks.

I've been feeling all over the place anyway because I know what I want I'm just not sure how it's going to look.  I would like a man that is strong and in control and able to be followed.  I'm not sure if that's going to be a traditional d/s or bdsm relationship though.  I've been thinking more about the 50s household and taken in hand relationships which may be more easy to navigate without having to hide the whips and chains and ball gags from mom.  I'm a subbie girl by heart but maybe my life won't allow for that at this stage.  Ehh blah.