New Year, New Me? Not exactly...

Wednesday, December 31, 2014 1 comment
I have been putting off writing this post for days.  Not sure why but I have found something else to do each time I sat down and conceived of it.  I got the new comforter washed so I could put it on my bed tomorrow.  I went to the gym a few times.  I cleaned my bedroom, organized things and tossed things away.  Seriously I found a new thing to do each time it was go time for this post--I've been playing much to my shame Kim Kardashian's game, it's actually fun and I'm hot so yeah there's that lol.  I'm normally pretty introspective at the end of the year and lamenting the lack of something while trying to keep positive about things I do have.  I'm not there this year.  Like at all.  So let's figure out where I am shall we?  Turns out I can kick butt if I really want to.  And by that I mean I can work, work out, learn to swim again, finally take control of my diet and my stress eating AND be a submissive woman at the same time. 

Work isn't perfect.  It never will be but it's pretty good.  And all of a sudden I got quite a few folks who went out of their way to tell me they appreciated what I did this fall and in general.  Tiny moments are all you need I swear.  I'm almost ready for when we start back up in the spring but for now work is still something I enjoy and am happy to show up at most of the time.

The working out was hit or miss sometimes this year.  Feast or famine depending on work, family stuff and general laziness.  I worked out almost twice as much as last year but I can do better.  By my pace at the end of the year it's possible, barring injury and other stuff, that I could work out twice as much as I did this year.  It's turning my body back into the one I used to know and not the one that camped out with me as I got progressively rounder.  No one seems to mind the round but me and honestly if I could just suck out some of the middle I'd be okay.  My goal isn't to be rail thin.  For one, I never have been and I think I'd look weird.  Curves are good, I just want mine to be curvy and not wobbly lol.

Swimming is fun and I like it and I haven't drowned so yeah enough said there.  Still working on breathing as I'm swimming but I can hold my breath quite a bit longer than I thought.

And food glorious food.  I love it I really do but I can admit I was eating as entertainment, to deal with mom stuff, deal with work stuff but not to really help me lose weight.  At least not at the same time as I was working out.  Pulling it together all at once has made a difference and that's good but it also reminds me that when I work out I can eat a little worse than I should and not gain weight.  I don't have time to be a lazy bum anymore.  40 is around the corner and my family's health history does not bode well for long-term excess weight being on your body.  Plus I wanna be sexy when I take my next round of pinup photos lol.  Gotta look hot when I toot out the tushie and pose like I'm on the side of a WW2 bomber.

Submission is an interesting thing.  At least for me it can be very interesting.  I can ebb and flow in that state quite a bit more than I want.  While I am NEVER dominant, if I'm not engaged by someone truly at home in their dominance I can slip into a weird stasis point.  I'm not at all submissive, I'm just sort of a slug.  It can take a while to pull me back there and after going into a bit of a numb state after GN and I split I was just in a non reactive point.  This year I met several people who made me slip and slip hard into remembering that I am a submissive woman.  I enjoyed the reminder and now it's time to push to the next stage whatever that is.

2014 was good, 2015 should be better.  There are no resolutions to make.  Just choices to keep making and improving upon.  Heck I might actually use that passport I got last year.  That would be kick ass.  How about you?


The Last Unicorn

Saturday, December 27, 2014 No comments

I remember this movie being horribly depressing as a child.  Not because it had to be but because who wants to the be last of anything.  That would suck.  Turns out (spoiler alert if you haven't seen the movie) there were others or she could make others anyway it turns out all happy in the end.  I thought that was a rip off as a child too though.  I was a weird kid.  Ok I had to check the ending.  Turns out a crazy bull had run all the other unicorns into the ocean and once lead unicorn ran crazy bull into said waters all the others returned.  Still rip off.

Now there are multiple definitions of unicorn within BDSM, one I just learned about a few weeks ago--a single friendly bisexual submissive/switch for a couple to play with at their leisure--and outside of it.  Most of the time I've heard it it is pertaining to some sought after partner that has many desirable attributes but people question said person's existence.  When said person is found they boggle potential partner's minds and thus the unicorn mystique is applied to that individual.  Now when I originally envisioned this post I was pissed.  I was tired of the label if it wasn't really given me what I wanted.  I'm still tired of the label but I'm not pissed now.

I'm not even confused right now.  I haven't committed to anyone because I'm not sure I can.  My track record doesn't bode well for long term commitments.  Something keeps happening that derails them be they family stuff, military deployments or emotional distance.  Yes deep in my submissive spirit I desire to be owned and claimed and serve happily and openly with someone I see on a regular basis.  I got very lucky with Good Nhyte in that he was close enough to make that move without it being a major issue.  I'm not foreseeing that as a possibility right now with anyone in my current orbit.  Plus there's a crazy old woman living here that would make getting spanked choked and fucked well problematic.  I need a much bigger house with better insulation for another live in partner.

I've said before a Dom Collective would be ideal but that's really just me being selfish.  There are things that are good about the folks in my sphere now but of course none of them are perfect, no one is including me, so there are pieces I want that the one has and the other does not.  None of them completely feeds me whatever it is that unicorns love to snack on.  But then again who would know what to feed a mythical creature?  I could be wrong here but I think unicorns may not be a good thing for most people to find.  In my experience, people want to protect me, develop stronger reactions to me faster than I can return, and get inspired to hurt me cause that's what I say I want--it is but sometimes I feel like I'm pushing people into a realm they aren't really naturally inclined to go.  But that second piece is equally important.  I think I'm fundamentally flawed in my ability to love and show affection.  I either love recklessly with my whole heart or I'm distant and detached.  It could be fear, it could be lack of passion, it could be me trying to desperately keep my composure.  Either way I'm never in the same place as my finder is at the beginning or end of a relationship.  There could be a lucky few moments in the middle that we sync up but yeah days like today I'm feeling a little broken in that aspect.

So maybe I am a unicorn but it's a broken one.  Or one that hasn't assembled correctly or is missing some pieces.  Maybe I'm a Toy Story 3 unicorn that got manhandled at the day care center.  I can't say it's unresolved Daddy issues because I loved my dad and he was the first person that told me I could do anything I wanted to do as long as I tried and that I didn't need to depend on the love of my life to rescue me in order to be happy.  I mean that inadvertently could be causing problems now because it takes a lot for me to believe I need someone and even more to actually say as much.  It's not that I don't want someone in my life because I definitely do but I don't know if I can live up to whatever it is they see in me and I'll admit that is a bit scary from time to time.  I want to continue to grow and improve and be as shiny as that term implies.  I just don't know how or if I really can.

So nope I'm not a pissed off unicorn tonight.  Just a little confused.


TTF part 6: a red velvet primer

Sunday, December 21, 2014 No comments
This easily could have just been a poem or stream of consciousness post but it seems to make sense to tie this into the primer series.  This is about cravings.  Specifically my cravings.  I don't crave much truthfully.  A well cooked steak when I'm tired and don't want to cook.  Sugar when I am a bit stressed out.  Peace and quiet when I get home so that I can walk around naked again.  Ahh that would be fantastic but I digress.  It really doesn't take much to keep me happy.  Good conversation, good sex, good sense of humor, good at making me hurt, good at repairing that hurt.  I'm really a basic girl except in one sense.

If you manage to catch my attention then I need you to try to keep it.  I'm mentioned being a lust slut before but I really do crave your want of me.  It feeds a tiny little part of my brain that is all girl.  The part that gets giddy and grins and girlish.  That part wants to hear all the demented little things you want to do to her.  That part wants to hear how much you miss my lips on your neck or lips or thighs or dick.  That part wants to know that thinking about what you could do to makes your dick explode when you're alone.  That part wants a lot but to be clear I need it on one level too.  It keeps my imagination firing and that is always a good thing for you.  I can get bored easily, really too easily upon occasion, and when you feed that craving for me I am ever so obedient and well just a touch on the slutty side.  I can write you inspired smut, go hunting for outfits to match what's in my brain and choreograph naughty strip tease routines to songs only I hear in a sexual way.  I want to be the best little girl I can be for you but that need lingers.  I'm amazed at who I become and what I am capable of doing when I'm sated in that way.  I'd love for you to be sated as a result.  The only question that remains is what can you serve me to make sure that I delight in serving you?


TTF part 5: a red velvet primer

Sunday, December 14, 2014 2 comments
I have been contemplating this post for a few days.  Things have taken a turn this weekend that made it more prevalent to put fingers to keyboard and try to express my thoughts.  I have stated before that I have not done poly prior to now.  I have said repeatedly it's because I have a bit of jealously when it comes to sharing my partner and that may partially be true but there's something else in there too.  Dealing with women on an interpersonal level can be tiring.  Someone on Fetlife shared a post the other day and that helped form my thoughts in one way.  You definitely have to be wanting to be involved with whomever your Dominant brings into your dynamic otherwise eventually your insecurities and frustrations and general ambivalence to her presence will overrule your desire to serve.  Even when I've imagined having more than one Dom I wouldn't have called it poly in the traditional sense (that's an oxymoron of epic proportions I know, traditional poly ha).  You could call one more of a play partner if you wanted but I envision them as independent relationships with different parameters and needs being met.  So admitting that to myself I think it would be even harder for me to do a long term poly relationship.


The Struggle is Ever Present

Saturday, December 13, 2014 No comments
I am struggling to figure out what what I want to be doing and when and where right now.   I am happier than I have been right now in a lot of ways.  Work is good, my long suffering stomach is mellowed the hell out, I have clicked with a trainer, I'm losing weight, I'm in a good place with most of my family (mom is always a work in progress) and there are romantic options available.  Sounds great right?  Well sort of.  I love what I do at work but I was apparently not up for the next round of workplace politics.  The stomach issues have been mildly replaced with lady part issues even though that may be wrapped up now.  Weight loss is great but I've been safe in the larger body so long I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the smaller one and then there's the romance end of things. 

The best options are not close and not even the same kind of person.  I like strong personalities because I need one that can make mine submit.  If it feels like I can overrun you at all then it won't work.  I don't top from the bottom and I like to slip into a submissive head space pretty quickly when we are together.  We can joke and shoot the breeze but when it's go time I don't want to be struggling with how to help you get me to the base of submissive mountain.  So yes strong men are a necessity but I like intelligent men even more.  You can't be all "I am Groot" with me and I submit to you either.  There has to be some good conversation on a variety of things outside of what you would like to do to me in bed.  Give me a book I should check out.  Help me develop a deeper understanding of a subject.  Teach me a foreign language--ok that may be asking a bit much so yeah it would be cool but not a requirement.  There's this other thing I like but if I'm even more honest having it tends to be a double edged sword.  When I have it, there are all these fireworks and machinations happening in my brain that make me tingle when I even think about that person.  But that person tends to know that and they can push any and all buttons at their will.  Being that susceptible to someone's desires is dangerous.  At least for me it can be dangerous.  But that spark when it happens makes me act like an addict and I'm willing to do all manner of stupid things to get another hit.  Thankfully that's not really in play now because if it was this blog may have a new physical location as I was forced to relocate my being to be at the knees of the person who generated that longing.

So I am enjoying multiple phases of my life and that I'm being allowed to slowly explore where I want to be but part of my brain keeps dancing back and forth between single is better because as I've learned more about myself I know the slide isn't too far off for me anymore.  I mean heck Mr. Wolf made me cry, a LOT, and that never ever happens.  Then I go but hey the pain is good and they really want to hurt you.  That makes me think of other things too though.  Why are there options for me to choose from?  There are very rarely options for me to choose from ever.  Maybe I'm all goofy and splintered and thus attractive to folks who have nothing in common but the desire to push my pain tolerance into overdrive.  And then I start yet another conversation.  I could be really happy with anyone on the radar.  There are pros and cons to each avenue I pursued but isn't that normally how it works?  So even when I'm happy and things are clicking I struggle to find my place and what makes sense. 

I will figure it out one day right?


What's up Buttercup?

Saturday, December 06, 2014 No comments
So it's Saturday night and I'm chilling yet again.  Not a poor me post I'm actually glad to be relaxing right now.  I hit four of my five workouts this week, took mom to the doctor and shopping and even when she got annoying I managed to not leave her on the curb anywhere lol.  I have booked two trips for my personal or professional development between now and May and as soon as I can schedule a third one I shall do that as well.  There's another that is more work based but I'll enjoy my time away all the same.  I need to get my mother up and running on some vacations of her own but we'll see how that goes.  All things considered my life is going well.  Thanks to Mr. Wolf I get some play time in much more often than I have in recent years.  He's a treat most days.  Other days I worry about him.  I'm sure he worries about me some days as well though.  I'm writing again and I may have something to share soon.  And someone may need to revive that write the story with me episode.  She's still unconscious if I remember correctly.

Other than that we are in the first wave of it's cold for no damn reason.  At least for the moment it's confined to cold rain and not snow but that will be on tap again soon.  Allegedly it will be as bad as last winter but that would make red very unhappy so let's hope not.  At least this winter I have the fucking machine so I guess it wouldn't be AS bad as last winter when I couldn't get off and was stuck inside.  I'm sorry if you already have snow but please keep it.  This is one time you could be a fantastic friend by not sharing. 

A few more weeks and then I get a legitimate break before another busy semester starts.  Maybe I'll be able to finish my book.  I missed my friend Lestat and haven't had nearly enough time to digest him lately.

What's going on with you kinky people?


TTF part 4: a red velvet primer

Sunday, November 23, 2014 2 comments
So we have journeyed around a variety of things about me and thankfully no one has asked me anything that I haven't been able to answer.  I'm not sure what this post will turn into but what it was sparked by was the concept of wanting and its juxtaposition against a need.  I want a lot of things, which I will enumerate shortly, but I need very little.  And I can say that because in this context I consider need very literally: I need air, I need food, I need sleep (don't get nearly enough of that), I need money to pay bills.  Needs are necessities to my mind and without them you cannot function.  Now emotionally I am CAPABLE of being so connected to someone that it FEELS as if I won't function without them but rationally I am still breathing so I've continued to prove that idea to be invalid for me. 

Why does that matter?  Well it has come up in my relationships that I don't NEED my partners and for some of them that has made them question our relationship.  It was another one of those ways that I was an atypical girl person and it bit me in the ass.  I didn't need my HS ex after I moved away to college.  He didn't say it outright but the women he sought out while I was gone, we had an open relationship to some degree, were of the needy type.  He could come in and be a hero, savior, fixer, whatever they needed that I decidedly did not need from him.  It was both frustrating and funny at the time.  These were not women he would have sought out had there not been the foil of me in his life.  They were women who he routinely ridiculed, women like them more than the women themselves, because of their failure to be independent.  But because of the lack of that need emanating from me he chased them down all the same.

He wasn't the only man in my life to mention that lack of need which I don't think I really took a hard look at until this weekend.  I lust, I want, I desire but rarely do I need.  Even as sit here now and think about my pursuit of a new D/s relationship I have said that I need the right Dom to guide me.  In practical terms I won't fall apart without that coming into place but I can also say that I want it passionately.  I would greatly like to see what my submission could be molded into with the right person taking the helm.  I want to be able to surrender to my most depraved imaginings and see what comes to pass when and if I make it back out.  I crave it enough that it feels like a need but I am painfully aware that it will take all of my inhibitions being overwhelmed in order for me to to even consider it.

There are a million wants and still not much more than I started with in terms of needs.  As promised here are a list wants but things that aren't quite needs.

  1. I would like to be owned again
  2. I would like to be used and left a sniveling mess
  3. I would like to be more active in the scene
  4. I would like to play around in some of my more intense fantasies
  5. I would like to vacation more
  6. I would like to stamp my passport
  7. I would like to have an orgasm at will just because it will help me relax and get on with my day
  8. I would like to be the epitome of someone's submissive desires come to life
  9. I would like to sit with Prince and talk about anything
  10. I would like to eat pasta constantly and still lose weight
  11. I would like to make my hair behave
  12. I would like to not become horny during a good rain storm, that shit is annoying sometimes
  13. I would like to fall in love again
  14. I would like to find an equal partner
  15. I would like to just find peace


Human Sexuality Map

Saturday, November 22, 2014 No comments
Found this on fetlife.  I'm sure there is stuff that is missing but I thought it was intriguing.  Green pins mean I tried it and liked it.  Red pins mean I tried it and didn't like it at all and purple pins are for things I still want to try. 

Find out where I've journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!


Censoring Myself?!?!?

Friday, November 21, 2014 No comments
That title will sound crazy.  After I all, I own this domain, have been writing for a VERY long time using it and at the moment am single so why would censorship even be something on my mind at the moment.  Well I'll tell you why lol.  Most of the time that I have had this blog I've been in a relationship with someone.  Very rarely have I been good and single and when I was I was trying to be mindful of not beating up on my former partners.  Now that may not have been accomplished but it was my attempt at the time.

Now that I've been single for a while and am "dating" in the D/s sense then it's been a balancing act for me on what to share about whom and when.  If I spend a long weekend with a potential Dom do I discuss that here or leave those memories for just the two of us?  If I have a particularly flirty conversation with another potential Dom do I enjoy the wet panties or do I gush in the figurative sense about it?  Really it's never been an issue before because there was ONE person interested and I could sort out if it was a good fit or not. 

My time in singlehood has taught me a few things as well.  While I can identify who I am now much better in terms of what I hope to represent as a submissive, I can't say that those disparate parts would fit with any Dom that would be interested in me.  For example, one may respond more to my playful babygirl side while another may be enamored of my wanton slutty side and yet another may be fascinated by the nerdy side that slips into either one of those other two aspects.  And if I am perfectly honest those parts of me respond to each of them differently.  One of them makes me giggle and feels safe and I want to make him happy when we're together and keep him calm when we're not.  Another has the ability to tap into my brain in ways I have fully not understood or experienced.  I have great conversations with all of them but one surprises me repeatedly.  And there's others I just like looking at because visually they give me this completely physical rush that makes me borderline whorish.  I'm glad they don't live near me, any of them honestly, because having those energies fired back up this year has left me out of sorts more than once.  There was a point in time I considered begging them to find a way to meld into one super Dom lol or develop a system by which I could serve them all.  I know that's not really possible even in the most ideal of lives because ultimately I do want to be owned and serve a Dom not six (just to be clear there are not six in play at all, due somewhat to what I mentioned in my last post there is really just one with some floaters who continue to intrigue me).

I still don't have an answer to my own question.  Sharing this tonight is more than I've done in a while with regards to how I see the pursuit back into a long term commitment.  I can envision what I want and I see a lot of it within the people I am interacting with now.  It's not 100 percent in anyone but it never is.  The question that remains is whether what is missing can be learned or can be learned to live without?  That will still take more time to figure out but I hope to continuing to enjoy the process to get back to a stable point.  I am amazed at how much I've learned about myself in the last few months and how much more secure I feel in my submission thanks to the interactions I've had since I came out of my self imposed sabbatical. 

What do you do as you sort out your feelings on issues or people?


I think I might be a Lust Slut

Wednesday, November 19, 2014 No comments
I am an odd girl sometimes.  I have these random moments of clarity that don't have any bearing on me changing things really but it helps me make peace with a new part of my persona.  Today I realized that part of my issue when it comes to settling down is I crave the excitement and intrigue of lusting after someone.  That rush keeps me addicted and interested.  It doesn't mean it will go a single solitary direction other than to bed potentially but the stimulation of my imagination keeps me in random moments of titillation.  My visual cortex gets the fire burning but if there's no brain behind the lust machine then that creates the first chink in my lust armor.  It's not insurmountable but it's definitely an issue.  I'm a very visual human but those humans never turn into more than the aforementioned fuck buddies. 

It would be incredibly interesting if they did but here's the other thing I realized tonight.  The ones I lust for.  That keep me masturbating and daydreaming and periodically wanting to lick my computer screen lol well they aren't consistent.  They ebb and flow and it depends on the day if I'm finding what they deliver as intriguing as the day before.  Don't get me wrong, I can easily be restoked by the right person and before you know it there's a little raging wildfire of lust again waiting to consume me and them.

Me in lust is a dangerous being.  I'm not easily sated or broken.  I need to be fed and I will feast on their desire.  A great big binge of energy.  And when I finally back away I feel full and high and floaty.  And that feeling while great cannot be maintained.  That level of lust would make me incapacitated if I had it constantly.  So those aren't the men, usually men, I end up with long-term.

My long-term relationships had moments of lust and passion but it wasn't an IV drip of high seeping into my body.  Those moments were great but they weren't so intense that I was chasing that emotion all day.  What I needed from them, what they gave me in spades was a constant stable rewarding encompassing feeling.  Lusty men folks give me inconsistent inferno.  My stable men gave me regular heat.  Flambe to sterno, fireworks to a floating candle.  All are bright and shiny but one always gives me more long-term.

Doesn't mean I won't daydream about those lust inducing ones from time to time though lol.  The problem really comes in with what is it I want at any given moment and honestly I would like both ideally.  But then again I'd probably end up unemployed with a sign that says will fuck you into a coma for food.  Hmmm decisions?


My Shakespeare Fails Me

Sunday, November 16, 2014 No comments
This will probably be a quick post but I had to give you an update about the writing class.  Call me a nerd but anything that I try to do I want to do better if I'm committed to it.  I've expanded my swim wardrobe over the course of eight months of lessons, invested in swim caps and goggles for example.  I bought a thicker yoga pad so my giant ass would be more comfortable on it during class than the ones they were providing.  But while I've been writing, off and on, most of my life I have never done much to improve my creative writing.  I still struggle to write when I'm not inspired to--either due to anger or lust or sadness.  I can give you heat but not always motivation.  I an give you depth of emotion but not always the why would you do that.  I knew that on one level but taking Rachel Kramer Bussel's writing class through made me more aware of it and how it would really just take a few little tweaks sometimes to give you what is missing.  I was also able to see different people take the same theme in ways that I never would have daydreamed about.  I also as able to reinforce that I really do like a good mind fuck.  If you can get me there the rest of your story is a hot burning good read for me but without it I don't always connect.  I think that's true in real life as well but that's a post for another time  I wrote four new stories while class was going on.  Two ended up being connected and could spawn into something else like the Alphabet Game series.  I STILL need a good editor to help me work on those things and I need folks who can critique and still read things that may scorch your eyebrows. 



Sunday, November 02, 2014 2 comments
I'm not sure how long this post will be.  Overall things are good.  I've been pretty even emotionally and physically most of the last few weeks.  Unless tired counts as an emotion and then that is definitely kicking my ass.  I am really enjoying my writing class and how each of us goes about approaching our homework assignments.  One of the stories I wrote last week I really like well both of them but for different reasons.  The one that I enjoyed the most was kinda dark and the sex was a bit on the scorching side.  I had a cacophony of male bodies dancing around my head as I was writing and all I really wanted to do was have an I Dream of Jeannie/Bewitched moment and snap the five of us, yes I said five, some where secluded and let the fantasy become reality.  This happens to me every now and then that I'm tempted to start masturbating furiously while I'm writing.  The story for today or this week did the same thing but I wanted my male lead to fuck me into the wall until I was lodged safely in it, only freed long enough to shower, be fed and fucked again.  I need a vacation damn it.


TTF part 3: a red velvet primer

Sunday, October 12, 2014 2 comments
Not sure what the focus of this will be but I know there are some things you should probably know that weren't included in the first two posts.

I am a consummate tomboy.  Despite the boobs, and don't get me wrong I like no I freaking love the boobs, there are very few people that would ever describe me as prissy.  I let my hair go gray because I was tired of fighting with the dye to stay on there longer than a few weeks.  I have girly moments and there are things I can be quite girly about but in general I'd rather be watching sports and reading than practicing makeup tips.  I probably should be working on make up though for my pinup persona and when she wants to come out though lol.  I do like to cook and bake but I do as much of that from scratch as I can because it helps me relax a great deal.  And even if I don't eat it I probably would be willing to make it for you provided you take it with you and eat it at your house.

If I wasn't living the life I currently have, good life not much to complain about, I'd love to be a pinup model.  One of the thicker ones of course.  I'd be more likely to have my hair stripped of the bit of remaining pigment that is there and just go super gray.  I'm headed there slowly but that's a pain.  I could finish my tattoos and do more of the nerdy rockabilly look some days along with the smooth and classy look.  I love the clothes, especially now that I've found a few good stores to supply them without me getting excited about an older outfit that is not in my size, hell any size but 2, and not in the right color.  I'm stocking up on lingerie and dresses and just bought a new pair of shoes.  If the writing thing ever pans out you just may see me and my endowments on a pinup site.

The more interested in you I may be the less likely I am to be overt and flirty with words.  I know that sounds weird because I talk and write a LOT.  My attention tends to get very sexual and in that context I'm very verbose and ready to make any last perverted thought you've ever had materialize.  When I'm in the getting to know you phase it's a mixture of both but if I just think you're cute then I talk a LOT of shit.  It could be the tomboy thing.  It could be I'm feeling you out.  I'm not really sure but my language output is almost directly inverse to how interested I am in you.  The only modifier is if irritated with you in which case there is no telling what may come out.

I really want to travel.  Like nearly anywhere but because I'm me I'd like for it to serve more than one purpose.  Meet a friend and tour a city.  Hit a country and check out a tennis tournament.  Go to a black sand beach and watch the dolphins or whales or whatever the hell is in the area.  As long as I won't be in a ridiculous amount of danger and the chances are low that I'll be abducted and turned into a sex slave that might be a spot to check out.

I've been thinking more and more about being single as the window seems poised to close on that status whenever I'm ready for that to be the case.  I have grown a fair bit during this single phase.  I have enjoyed it and I've explored things in my brain that have never ventured there before, like having two Doms or experiencing immense pain.  Trying to mesh either with my daily life is just intriguing, no idea how to make either feasible or an actual option.  But that growth has made it so that I'm not rushing the way I used to.  I'm ready to explore some rules and guidelines with someone provided they aren't ready to propose the minute I tell them this.  Time and place for everything unless you want me to turn into a skittish rabbit (and I was born under the year of the rabbit so it COULD happen).

Despite my relationships not turning into forever prior to now, I am still hopeful that there is a romantic situation, more than likely D/s potentially poly, out there for me that will be more long term and potentially permanent.  It could be that I'm meant to be a serial monogamist because I'm afraid of what forever may look like with anyone.  Or it could be that I'm a demanding brat and no one human can entertain me long term.  Or it could be that I'm a clingy needy partner who suffocates the lust out of their partners.  That last one is less likely but shit anything is possible.  I say all that to say that I am hopeful but would not be crestfallen if I was still maintaining a series of long term but not permanent entanglements.

There are people that I have a very strong physical reaction to and I can't explain it in the slightest.  They generally have nothing in common but an immediate ringing of a bell in my brain.  It can be confidence, it can be a mental challenge, it can be someone who antagonizes the pisses out of me or it can be just a beautiful body.  Whenever I notice that I am having that reaction, I try to keep it in check.  I can get easily overwhelmed by it and want nothing more than to give myself over to it repeatedly.  This is again a time that I tend to get reticent and hide.  If you fall into the button pushing category and ask me--no really tell me cause the button pushers tend to be more directive than not--to engage with you then I'm trying to figure out how to accommodate both of our wants in the fastest and most sweat inducing way possible.

I rarely engage in my own fantasies.  Not because I wouldn't like to but I'm afraid I may break the brains of the men I am with.  I can go to a deep dark place sometimes and I'm not only unafraid but I tend to flourish in that space.  I need someone strong enough to guide me safely in and pull me out when needed.  It's an interesting trip but not for the faint of heart.  If you wouldn't be ok degrading me then you may want to skip asking me about what is on that fantasy bucket list.

Ok this is it for now.  I think it covers most everything.  If you have questions let me know.


TTF Part 2: a red velvet primer

Friday, October 10, 2014 2 comments
So I left you with a snippet of where the pain may have entered into the picture.  I can say I wasn't quite sure that's what I was looking for until I wasn't playing with him anymore.  Even though it had come up with my HS boyfriend, his pain was mild and his control over me was mostly mental.  At the time I was with Tall and Lanky I knew the sex was rough, almost violent but not in a way I was shying away from.  I knew he was a tinge on the unhinged side when sex was good.  He enjoyed me because no matter how long we were fucking I stayed wet and I didn't complain about the size of his dick.  I could see how others might.  It's a little disorienting having an arm like appendage invade your nether regions but once you adjusted it I swear to high heavens it was like his dick became a bludgeoning force of pain and pleasure that sent my mind off into lala land.  I met him by accident but he essentially kidnapped me the first night we had sex and the next day as I was trying to walk home I realized my normal hip switching had been fucked out me.  I was hooked as I smiled at the realization.  The more we had sex the more he tried to hurt me with his dick, fucking me trying to get me to deep throat that monstrosity.  And if I hit a particular spot when pleasing him he would reach back and smack my ass like there was a target on it.  Just so we're clear--LOVED IT.  When we played with others he encouraged them to hurt me as well and while a quick ass smack is nice they didn't have the same impact when they were coming from anyone but him.  He connected all the moving parts in my brain and if he hadn't been such a man whore I would have been devoted to him for quite a while longer than I was.  As it stands it was a good thing that I didn't remain his hapless lust slave.  I had so many more slutty adventures ahead of me.  And while most were wholly satisfying on a physical gratuitous level but that hole I mentioned in the last post was just beginning to grow.


Touch the Fabric Part 1: A red velvet primer

Sunday, October 05, 2014 No comments
Mr. Wolf has joked with me repeatedly that he needs a primer to understand all the weird things that are comprised inside of me.  The more I thought about it though the more I have heard that from different people who either have dated me or wanted to date me.  It largely seems to center around my food habits because picky would be a dramatic understatement when it comes to feeding me but there are other idiosyncrasies that make it difficult to process me I'm sure.  So in an effort to help him out and anyone else that may be interested I figured I'd delve into my psyche and kettle of weirdness and share that with you in a series of posts that will be entitled Touch the Fabric (or TTF if I'm being lazy).

As my age denotes, I was born in the seventies and that means I mostly grew up in the eighties and nineties.  I start here because it influences who I became in a multitude of ways.  I was a kid of Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, the Smurfs, Shirt Tails, Scooby Doo and the reason child locks were instituted on tvs, daytime porn on Showtime lol.  I found that out by accident one of the rare occasions my mother let me change the channel on my own.  TV went off at a certain time, there was no internet, and getting a home computer meant you had arrived in the world.  I was a military brat and while I remember friends from different cities I can't tell you much about life in Turkey or Oklahoma or Texas before we returned post my parents divorce.  Illinois I remember vividly for a mixture of good and bad reasons but what I most remember is really loving my house, two stories great bedrooms big backyard and even though I didn't eat them I thought it was cool that we had a strawberry patch in our front yard.

It's where I remember meeting my older brother, my dad's son, even though I could have met him prior to that.  You don't hear me talk about him much because he's a prick.  Before dad died I thought he was just confused and trying to sort out the things kids of divorce have to sort out but nope he's a giant prick.  It's where I remember almost losing my younger brother to a horrible asthma attack.  As much as he annoyed me, and heaven knows he did, not having him around terrified me. And that big house at the end of a block near the base and a the huge farm at the end of the street is where the first major upheaval of my life happened.  You'd think military brats have lots of upheaval and I guess in some regards that's true but those are scripted and scheduled and make sense.  My parents living in different houses forever did not make sense.  This began my push pull with concept of family, marriage and love but I'm not sure I'll get to all of that now.


Book Review: Fantasy Heights by Meg Silver

Saturday, October 04, 2014 No comments
I cannot begin to tell you how this short story collection came across my doorstep or rather my Google Nexus tablet.  I think I read a chapter as a sample after grabbing a kindle version of some bdsm themed books.  Regardless of how the stories took root in my kindle library let me just say if you want a read that keeps you entertained a touch bit on the horny side for 400 plus pages you should definitely look into the first season of Fantasy Heights.  I did say season because season two is underway but I have literally no patience for the new stories to come out piecemeal I won't be reading those until season two is completed.

Now back to the review.  We are introduced to our heroine Amanda who has just found out that her fiance has been fucking her stepsister and plans to marry the younger woman instead of her.  She stumbles upon a "wish fulfillment" firm of the highest order and quickly becomes pulled in by the lust, beautiful bodies and best of all her for her new challenges.  Having never experienced that lack of abandon I found myself smiling as she experienced things that made her feel wanton and uninhibited.  That is not to say they were tame by any stretch of the imagination but I was just happy that I never felt that limited in my sexual experiences by former partners.

She is joined by an interesting assortment of cast mates who all seem to be hiding a host of secrets that could prove to be far more than just bitchy.  The two that drive her story the most are Thomas, her trainer who seems to enjoy tormenting her, and Josh someone she initially mistakes for a bit player.  The two men are friends and very loyal to one another but find themselves captivated by Amanda for their own reasons.  I found most of that triad to be compelling and believable.  There are places where I felt like it could have been pushed in a different direction one way or the other but all of it resolves for the best.

I actually enjoyed the writing and the fact that I wasn't quite sure how it was all going to play out.  I hate when I can figure out the plot well before I get there.  I wasn't seeing one of the twists coming which made me excited from a lover of tight writing but pissed as a person who had bought into the characters but it makes sense now as this person kind of just vanished from the primary story.  Beyond the fact that it was just overall very well done and kept my attention for the weeks of my hectic schedule that it took for me to finish reading, I have to thank Meg Silver for giving me hope that there is a market out there for a string of connected short stories. 

If you need a good read and like to be challenged a bit give Fantasy Heights a try.  If all of this was available at Fantasy Island I would have bought real estate there and just prayed that my day job didn't cut into my orgasms.


These are my confessions

Friday, October 03, 2014 2 comments
I normally hate bullet posts.  They feel lazy to me most days but my thoughts are all over the place yet again so it seems easier to do that and edit them as I write than try to tie together twelve tiny paragraphs.

  • I am an introverted slightly confusing attention whore.  I don't want the traditional above board multiple men lusting after me.  That always feels awkward and god knows I'm awkward enough without anything else adding to it.  But if you want me I need to have that reinforced on a semi regular basis or you become a distant idea not a current in play option.  Ideas are lovely but I am of the forgetting nice idea clan more often than not.  I like being seduced mentally over and over again.
  • I am not a switch and I am not a slave....except if you can, and I'll admit very few can, push me over that cliff of sexual desire into that place where I am just a primal nerve center reacting to your whims and wants.  If I am looking up from that cliff than you will find me a most pliable most agreeable most slavelike creature who is living solely to be the conduit of your pleasure.  This was pointed out to me after one of my horny moments exploded with what is normally kept locked away in my too nasty for words box.
  • I have yet to develop the skill set that says the right boy is the one that makes you feel x instead of y.  Part of why I have been unattached as long as I have been is because the people I have the most visceral reactions to are very rarely the men that I should be with.  Those that manage to penetrate my initial layer of protection still have to bypass my wave of doubt and repeatedly stake claim to parts of my psyche before I can finally willingly submit.
  • While I seriously doubt I will ever engage with two Doms simultaneously as I continue to serve there are days when it seems like it would be so much easier than trying to make any one Dom the center of all my confusion.  Maybe together they could manage my lust, my eagerness to learn, to be pushed, to be humiliated, to be degraded, to be hurt, to be blissful in my exhaustion.  But yeah this is a non starter for any Dom I find remotely intriguing so it will probably get tucked away into my too nasty for words box.
  • I know why my grandmother kept trying to take my Black card.  I tend to cook and be more partial to Mexican and Asian flavors than anything that would be deemed soul food.  There's nothing wrong with soul food but it's just not my go to food.
  • The fucking machine is like the best fucking invention in the world lol.  Ok maybe not but those things woosah, helps keep the too nasty for words box from spilling over.
  • I crave touch.  Sex is good but see the point above this one.  My body remembers the imprints of fingers, the pressure, the placement and the warmth.  While I may miss someone's face and smile and general presence, my body hungers for the trace of fingertips.
  • I'm pretty sure I'm a well contained mess.
That's it for now.


Places and Spaces

Monday, September 29, 2014 No comments
My brain has been all over the place late.  So many moments of indecision and confusion and brief shining moments of clarity.  There have been moments of elation, frustration, exhaustion, envy and lust but none of them have been around long enough to purge me of its friends.  They have swept in like carrion birds to pick at bits of my spirit in a rush before taking flight and leaving me battered.  It's not as if this has never happened because of course it has.  It has just never swung in and stayed so long.  It's likely partially my fault because I dipped my toes back into the world that centers me so quickly and haven't been back there in over a month.  Talking about it doesn't give my body that jolt that sends everything rushing out of my brain but the pain.  The sweet sweet pain that makes me feel ethereal and like I'm floating.  Everything else feels like a temporary escape from the daily grind that gives me an hour or two of peace and tranquility that is no where as lasting as having my flesh warmed and tight from a flogger or a belt or a hand or a well you get the point.

In some ways I still feel confused about where my role is and who I will ultimately end up following.  Don't get me wrong I know which side of the slash I belong on but I keep trying to figure out what the next man will need to do in order to fully capture my attention.  I'm no longer the young spry sub girl who was swept up by the promise of pain.  I'm also not the girl who can be controlled by the threat of pain.  I read another post and thought she's right and then not right as it applies to me.  I desperately need to trust you in order to submit to you.  When or if you break that trust I should probably save you years of frustration trying to get me back into the right head space because that will always be lingering somewhere.  But part of my brain needs to fear you.  I need to have a little tickle in my spine whenever your voice drops an octave.  My dilemma now is I'm not sure it's fair or even reasonable to expect that dichotomy in the Man I choose to serve.  It's a hard switch to pull from being my teddy bear to my tormentor but if I'm honest with myself that's what I want.  That fictionalized man inspires me to run my fingertips across my parted lips wishing waiting wanting to be forced against the wall and stripped and fucked until all that's left is my parted lips saying thank you Sir.

I'm enamored of that space.  Truthfully I've rarely been pushed to my limit.  I've used my safe word once in ten years not because I was being a strong tough girl but because I needed to.  He told me he wanted to bruise me and chocolate doesn't bruise so easily.  But that high kept me pain free for 12 hours of a 16 hour drive.  And the purple markings that appeared over the next few days made me smile.  The inability to sit down during my initial staffing meetings was a secret rush.  Being Klaire is my vanilla persona.  That Kinky tag is the real me.  I get to emerge and thrive in that space.  I miss that space.  So much.


Hunger Pains

Sunday, September 14, 2014 1 comment
Most days I'm an average girl
I do average girl things
I work
I sleep
I watch a bit too much tv
I may make it to the gym
I regret a few things and then remember old words of wisdom
Two tears in a bucket
Fuck it
On other days I channel the better part of me
I am inspiring
I am amazing (at least to me lol)
I am caring
I go above and beyond
I cook healthy
I bake elaborately
I dress immaculately
I work smarter, harder, with grace
But there are other days still
When I am hungry
No food will slake my thirst
I need to be probed
Have my senses overwhelmed
Feel my skin manipulated
My options severely reduced
So that the only goal is to give and receive
Pure unadulterated pleasure
Those days I become a carnal
Ache bound creature
Visual delights stoke the need
Aural sensations make me blush and my center go mushy
The only thing that will send me back to average girl
Is the feeling of you deep inside of me
My body convulsing around your hardness
Chest/thighs/mouth/hands all in stark contrast to the places I am soft and pliable
Invited fully into the places that just keep grasping for more of you
As wave upon wave pours out of me
Making us both slick and primal and noisy until there is silence
The only question that remains
Who is going to stop my hunger pains


The Other Side of Jealousy or What I Learned in a Rain Storm

Wednesday, September 10, 2014 No comments
Today was one that got completely derailed from jump.  An appointment was later than planned, ran longer than planned, involved more emotions than planned and ended up throwing off the rest of my day.  I canceled meetings, played the dutiful daughter and came home stressed before getting drenched again after taking groceries out of the car for the aforementioned parent.  The many many bags of groceries. 

I was tired and frustrated and soaking wet.  Generally speaking that becomes a play on words because the rain makes me frisky but today it just made me tired as fuck.  I actually took a nap and woke up hazy.  I couldn't hear the rain and I was grateful for a moment of clarity in my brain.  It was short lived as the rain returned and has been mostly constant for the rest of the day.  I have been all over the place emotionally today as a result. 

I am reacting much more intensely than I want to to a variety of stimuli.  Stupid posts on Fetlife make me want to hit people.  Sweet and romantic posts are making me cry.  I'm taking others as admonishments when I'm sure that's not what was intended.  Or if it was it wasn't directed towards me.  At the root of all of it was my feelings of frustration that I couldn't vent.  At least not in the way I wanted or felt as though I needed.  Days like this is when I least enjoy being an unattached submissive.  Days like this I need to be recentered.  I need to be held and stroked and made to serve in a way that feels beneficial and not abused.  Valued and appreciated instead of just expected.  I wouldn't have minded having sex but I would appreciated a stiff drink and a flogging so much more.

Days like today I want my Him to appear more than anything else.  Granted it probably seems like it's more to stave off my own mind funk but that's just part of it.  I miss that connection to one person who sees all of me and desires to protect that and nurture it and help shape my growth.  I miss the feel of masculine fingers touching my back, toying with my neck, playing in my hair, tweaking my nipples and brushing my mouth as they caress a cheek.  Days like this I'm both grateful that others don't have to feel that longing but sadder than I'd like to admit that I am experiencing it.

Jealousy is not even something I register in my brain most days.  I recognize that my life has been a mess and there was no space in there for a partner until late last year.  That doesn't stop me from being wistful when I read the declarations of love and peace that others have found.  I also realize I was probably invoking those emotions in others before now lol.  When I love and am in a committed relationship I do so with no restraints and in any way that I can champion Him and whatever He has brought to my life I will.  It's natural and expected in some circles.  Even when I lose said love I can still immortalize that love and loss quite eloquently.  I use the phrase out of sorts when I feel like this but it's more than that because I want to have more control over who I am and how I feel than that.

Most of the time I can keep that insecurity and desire at bay.  I realize that it takes a while to find the right fit and I am still in pursuit of my match.  No match will be forthcoming until the right time and I am still sorting things out.  Trying to mesh my dichotomies with the right guide will not happen overnight.  Yes I know all these things but today I still wished I could roll over and He be there to tease me about the way I curl up for a nap, the fact that I still sleep with my stuffed elephant or that despite my noticeable frustration with daughter duties the rain had it's normal moisture inducing qualities between my thighs.  In that nice deep voice that reminds me both of warmth and comfort while maintaining a tiny bit of edge that lets me know I can and will be hurt at His leisure.


Life is Pain and love might be too

Thursday, September 04, 2014 No comments

So I love this movie and this scene captures at least part of the title of this post.  Every day we wake there is the distinct possibility that things could go horribly horribly awry.  Be it with work, life, love, the sheer act of existence means there's a risk of shit hitting the proverbial fan.  My love life, both before and after D/s, has never been smooth and I tend to fall for the boys that excite me but ultimately aren't my best options.  Something about them registers in some central fucked up location in my brain and I start to crave them like you would a freshly baked cookie 10 minutes after you decide you are trying to eat better.  Eventually it fades and my senses return to normal but life is a little bit duller each time.

I don't always react well to romantic gestures.  Not because there's anything wrong with them but because it's not my "love language."  I seriously hate that term but in this case it's true.  Big grand sweeping gestures are like libido suppressant for me.  Want to inflame my heart, brain and loins equally? Remember something minor that I mentioned in passing that means the world to me.  Exhibit A: Roaming Solider dug up my favorite old cartoon cause I said I hadn't seen it in forever (I Love to Singa).  Exhibit B: Good Nhyte found the right version of Hallelujah by John Cale from Shrek.  The soundtrack version was horrible.

As my submission has continued to evolve I think I'm even more confusing than I used to be.  There's a fair amount of little girl in me that loves hugs and cuddles and being cared for and supported.  But there's a growing if not equal amount of me that is base, visceral, lust filled slut that craves being debased and broken and humiliated and hurt and used and abused and put away damp.  I used to try stash that side because it confuses men more than I normally do.  I'm too sweet and nice and funny and smart to be left quivering in the center of a destroyed bed.  But that's just it I'm not, at least not some of the time.  I can't fully articulate my dark side all of the time but I know it's been much darker than some of the people I've come into contact with.

That is not to say that I can't be a good little girl.  I have been before and can be again but if I'm honest that other part of me is always lurking there.  It could be the frustration or disappointment I have about a variety of life situations I was never in control of.  It could be my jealousy of women who get to unleash their submission freely with the person that has claimed them daily.  Women who don't juggle 30K things each day with no relief from that stress at the end of the day.  Truth be told I feel hungry for pain most days.  I can handle the other things.  I have to or else my world crumbles but the thought going to sleep with soon to be hidden bruises and soreness makes me smile.  Smile really big if I'm honest.

To use another old favorite tv/movie clip I know I'm still cookie dough and I'm not done baking (See old Buffy episodes, conversation with Angel when he came back for her).  It would be potentially unpleasant to eat me right now.  But as soon as I'm remotely set I'd love to be smacked with a spatula.  Yes my brain has gone all twisted again.  I will leave you with a song from my separated at birth twin from a past life who actually got all the singing talent.


There was once a sad princess in need of a prince

Sunday, August 31, 2014 1 comment
This will not be a fairy tale or at least not a normal one.  I was never the princess type of girl growing up.  My father blissfully skipped the stories of a damsel waiting for her brave super masculine prince to rescue her from whatever plagued her feminine brain.  He told me I could rescue myself and the man waiting on the other side would have to earn my heart.  So really imagine my confusion when at my core there's a part of me frozen and waiting for someone to unleash me from my chains.

I imagine her locked away in a castle overrun by ice, desolate on approach and nearly abandoned.  She doesn't cry, she doesn't cry out, she just waits.  Only a few men have found there way there, been brave enough to enter her chambers and touch her chilly face.  Even fewer of them were able to stoke that fire, slip into the space out of time with the rest of the world and enjoy the briefly happy princess.  In that space she is alive and smiling and carnal and exploratory and giving and lustful for all that he can teach her.  She takes him into her bed and he's amazed at the fire that seems to erupt in her skin and intoxicate him.  Her smile melts the frost around them and she begs him to take her away.  She is envious that he has been alive and knows a world outside of her icy domain.  She longs to leave with him and he promises to return with all they need to cover the barren terrain.  She waits, sitting back on her thrown, watching the ice creep back into the room around her slowly.  The color seeps from her hair a little more each time.  The tear drops lock in place on her cheeks and she finally closes her eyes and dreams again of the prince that will restore life to her castle.  The one that just left will never return.  The next one that comes will not be able to chisel through the new layer of ice.  He will have to awaken her with his passion not his actions alone.  The actions have not proven themselves consistent.  She needs to feel truth in his being and a desire to drag her from the castle wrapped only in her blanket as her smile clears their path.

She won't be sad, lonely and confused forever but who will make it inside the castle once and for all.


Dalek Death Stars and Weird Dreams

Saturday, August 30, 2014 No comments
I am a light weight Whovian and really only watch when I like the current Dr. or his companion.  But a website called is tapping into my super nerdy side every time I visit.  There's a bunch of great shirts there from other lovers of Dr. Who and Batman/Superman/Spiderman and Star Wars and Minions and the like.  If you don't visit often you'd likely miss a design you love. If you do visit often you are likely to be broke so balance that out if you can lol.  If you click the Dr. Who link it will take you to a collection that David Tennant (my favoritest Dr. ever) pulled together.  Teefury and provided my daytime t-shirt wear.  Love them both as they allow me to be pervy and nerdy all at once.  Ah well moving on.

It's a holiday weekend around here after the first full busy week of classes.  This would be super relaxing if I was solo or even with any of the kinky people I hung out with a few weeks ago.  Alas I am home with my mother who is a right pain in the ass about nearly everything you could be a right pain in the ass about.  Tomorrow or very early Monday I will be coerced into very slowly cooking a brisket so that she can eat it and feel like she's having a grand old holiday food fest.  I don't mind her having one but I do mind all the complaining that comes along with it.  Just for the record I likely won't be cooking tomorrow.  I hate cold barbecue.  I hate reheating barbecue the day of an event.  you reheat barbecue when it's leftovers.  And while it won't be super spicy it's probably going to be seasoned much better than if I let her handle it on her own.  And lots and lots of onions. 

As to the aforementioned dreams that made their way into the title let's just say my brain when sleep deprived is a crazy fucking place.  I had lost a little bit of weight, my hair was chasing the black away and was mostly silver, my brother and mother were hanging around right before I left for a kinky event and my ex was in the mix for some reason.  Not even an ex Dom which hey going to a kinky event might make sense but just someone I used to enjoy seeing naked a LOT.  When I came back my brother was gone, my mother was asleep but my ex was still fucking there.  He had another flash of domliness and while I had a great time with what followed I was really just confused when I woke up.  I briefly went back to sleep and he was still there waiting to terrorize me.  I stayed up after that.  I know I'm officially off the high of the pain and kink love in but that was just bizarre. 

How goes life where you are?


Kinky Travel Recap: This time with extra sleep added

Thursday, August 21, 2014 2 comments
So I have been home since about 2 on Sunday afternoon.  I have been running full steam until this morning though. The joys of going back to work after a great vacation.  My voice is still kinda funky but other than that it was a tiny blessing just to be able to sleep past 6:30 this morning.  And then the best thing ever happened when I was up long enough to turn the damn alarm off---it was raining.  Rain is both a sedative and an aphrodisiac for me.  If I'm alone it's the equivalent of someone tucking me in and rocking me back to sleep.  If I'm not alone well let's just say the water works won't just be a board piece in Monopoly.  Wait is that on the new Monopoly boards now?  I hope so or damn I'm getting old.

Anyway, I wasn't sure I had any major expectations of this trip after attending the inaugural APK event in June.  It could be like a huge deal or it could b a low key function with old friends gathering and have me feeling like odd woman out.  Upon arriving Thursday afternoon, I was pretty sure there was going to be massive disappointment on the horizon.  There was no one to greet attendees, the hotel was just ok, and nothing was ready to go.  Granted I'm not a hotel snob but this would have been a stopover hotel on a long trip not the destination spot.  But hey my plan wasn't to be sleeping much so this shouldn't be a huge deal right?  No fridge, no microwave for those of us below the penthouse lol but again going to be rushing around so hopefully not a huge deal.  I am glad my roommate prepped well so we had cold water and drinks as needed.  The events of that night were more loosey goosey than I was expecting so really I grabbed a bite to eat and then proceeded on down the molesting trail.


I should be sleeping but...

Sunday, August 17, 2014 2 comments
Ok I went way off the grid the last few days.  I barely checked my email, didn't play on Facebook and really save watching a movie and checking my flight information out to come home I really did not turn the computer on very much.  It would be nice to say I was taking a stand but seriously I was on a much needed kinky vacation.  Over the last few days I have learned way more than I thought I would, saw way more loveliness than I ever intended from both the men and women in attendance, got to unleash my vintage chick, figured out how much waist line could be evaporated by a good piece of shape wear, was tied into a corset for dear life--which was heavenly (thanks Rayn and Havoc), got a good flogging, didn't sleep much, had ridiculously good conversations about everything from my time stalking Prince to the roles and wants of submissive women.

I have to say thank you to green lantern for finally getting me to attend Black Beat.  It was an eye opening experience in so many ways.  The rope workshops were particularly amazing and it was both validating and encouraging that so many people that looked like me got this particular kink of mine.  If you can see Mr. Mentl and his sub Verity demo rope play please do.  It will well be worth your time.

I found out how powerful just your hands can be during a scene and am very glad no one that has alerted me that the want to see me naked attended lol.  I'm glad I got in a LOT of naked time.  Woosah that was the business just so we're clear.

Watching others play and seeing things I would like to try, may not be bad to try and you will have to lobotomize me to try was great.  But most wonderful in that was watching Dom/mes in the room slip from hurt mode to loving and caring after care.  Being brought back down to a place where you are still kind of high but feeling protected and reconnected to reality is a special kind of amazing.

The submissive gathering helped with a struggle of mine, namely being able to walk into a potentially polyamorous relationship with a future dominant.  I really would like to prepare mentally for it so that I can work through the emotional crap but I was able to hear for others that's not really possible.  You just have to take that step and see where it leads you.  And I saw great examples of how loving and functional those relationships can be from the Gilligan's Island savant and his crew and as well as raynstorm, her sister and their Dom.

It was good to see a few familiar faces from the event I went to in June and others I had briefly interacted with online before.  And then it was fascinating to meet a billion new people and realize how fantastically diverse the community of people that look like me is.  They are professional and homemakers, artistic and analytical, outright funny or dryly sarcastic, and best yet they are freaky and friendly and give good hugs and a few will smack the living shit out of your ass as you walk on by.  I met fellow Whovians, lovers of Minions, and best of all the people who truly understand how twisted the relationships are between Harley and Mr. J as well as Batman and Catwoman.  I didn't give away all of my postcards (still have two left in addition to the one I am keeping for myself) so if you are a fan of the Bat and Cat let me know what you learned from BB this weekend and the best two answers (judged solely by my hopefully not sleepy brain whenever I get around to them).  For those that are wondering what it looks like go to my last photo uploaded about the Bat and Cat.

Was everything smooth?  Of course not. Things didn't get as up and running as I was expecting until Friday but then it was non stop until we all finally stepped out of the haze that is a largish gathering of kink.  I'm a bit of an overplanner and like things to be ticked off at least a week in advance of anything major that I'm doing.  But I also know that pull together large events can make it difficult to manage all the moving parts. 

After having two good trips out and about into the kink community outside of my normal living space I can say I'll be venturing out to as many as I can reasonably afford.  I can't say they will all be good but even being ten years into the journey of my submission I learned a ton this weekend that will help me shape who I am yet to become.

Talk with you soon


Am I being unrealistic?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014 No comments
Okay so I'm in a weird head space after hearing of Robin William's death.  As others have said, no I didn't know him and what I knew of him was from the other side of the screen but I am really having a rough time with this one.  Mork and Mindy was one of the first shows I could watch without my mother hovering about the content.  He's been around literally my entire life.  This is weird.  I wonder how I'm going to react when Prince dies.  Anyway, weird head space as I mentioned before and it's making me think about a lot of different things.

One being relationships within the BDSM universe.  I know there are some very happy couples within our lifestyle.  I envy them and want the same thing for myself.  However, what I tend to see lately are people married to or in long-term relationships with other people while being with their D/s partner.  I can't even say lately.  Of my previous Doms, the people they chose for partners were typically not involved in the lifestyle.  Only one of them was married or partnered when we met though so they had different circumstances. 

When I'm having moments, I think about joining to find my vanilla partner and then continue seeking out the right D/s dynamic for side pursuits.  I know that sometimes you can bring that out in a vanilla partner and I think women may be more successful at that than men but I don't want to convince the man I love that he really wants to hurt me (I mean that's a head fuck in and of itself).  I want him to know that in his heart before we even get there.  Is it unrealistic to think that that man exists and is going to stimulate my mind and naughty bits equally?  Is it unrealistic to think he would be single if I did meet him?  Is it silly of me to think the person that makes me wet just because I see them come across my phone or computer or tablet will be readily available to me? 

I know what we do isn't standard or mainstream but in so many other ways I see it as just another traditional relationship.  I won't go as far as others have and say we're following a more Biblical order but letting my partner lead and direct us has all I have ever really wanted.  I don't need that much freedom or options when it comes to who is in charge of our relationship.  My need is to serve, submit and be desired.  I would love to be stroked gently up and down my back as I sleep next to my Dom.  To giggle in his arms when he catches me and tosses me on the bed.  To wake up tied to the bed with a choice between the Hitachi wand and the remote control vibe knowing both mean uncontrolled orgasms but for totally different amounts of time.  Are those things even really options if what I need is to be used, reclaimed, left spent and panting and desperately hungry for his attention?

I know this all probably seems very random but Robin's death made me think about unfulfilled desires and needs.  We can never fix the past but not achieving in the present seems overwhelmingly painful sometimes.  Not for me but clearly for others.  Anyhoo, what do you think?


Yes I am IN my feelings

Saturday, August 02, 2014 No comments
I seriously hate that phrase most of the time because it implies there's something wrong with having an emotional reaction to things but right now my emotions are scattered and I'm stressed and the one thing I really need is hundreds of miles and several mental states away from me right now.  This will be a rambling mess so if you are so inclined to keep reading please do so but if not then head for the next kinky fuck fest cause that's not happening here right now.

I have probably been a sub forever.  I realized it in my mid twenties and finally got to explore it in my late 20s.  I have learned a bit from each of those relationships which brings me to now and the mush in my brain.  Another thing happened in my late 20s which solidified my submission for different reasons.  My mother, blessed creature that gave me life, got sick--really sick.  She moved in with me a year later and between working full time, sorting out my own health issues, and taking care of her I seriously had no mental energy, let alone emotional or psychological energy, to want to be the dominant force in any relationship.  The fact that men found me and wanted to pursue me was a minor miracle because I was most definitely not "putting myself out there" during that time.

So here I am now in my late 30s and yeah she's still here and this week has been one for the ages which makes me remember how much I crave letting that all wash away with the right person.  To see me with my Dom is to see me relaxed, smiling, sighing deeply and most of all happy knowing that my service is appreciated and desired by someone who knows what to do with it.  I haven't been actively seeking that connection for a year or two after the Dom I thought I would marry and I split.  Turns out I'm not able to indefinitely wait for things to sort themselves out.  Bad sub, bad sub.

I've may have mentioned it before but I keep hearing that I'm a different kind of sub.  I'm smart and independent and won't just fall the feet of anyone because they ask/demand it.  I have to be won.  I have to be conquered.  I have to be appreciated.  I have to be fill in the blank.  All of that may be true and if so that is equally frustrating because to some degree I cannot turn the submission switch to on and just go yeah but that's the ticket right there.  Whether you go with Alpha female/submissive, unicorn, or urban legend what I end up hearing on one end is difficult.  Not just for the Dom that may seek me out but for me because most men cannot keep up long enough to peak my interest.  And you have to keep in mind that I don't necessarily see myself as all that different.  I have had to become this person to take care of people in my life since I was like 10.  If you say I am I'll believe you, well if you say it enough, but it's not my natural inclination to think of myself as all that special or unique as I'm like most women in some regards.  I am not immune from base reactions to beautiful bodies but that won't make me submit.  That just makes me want to fuck you repeatedly.  Not a bad thing but definitely not a long term situation either.

For the equally rare or determined Doms that manage to tap into my submissive mind they face another challenge.  Think of that part of my brain as a flicker of fire you are trying to start in a rainstorm.  It can very quickly fizzle if you go meandering off into the wrong areas or more likely than the misadventure is failure to nurture the fire properly.  I know new connections spark and can blaze mightily to keep the analogy going.  The thing is though they can burn themselves out without proper attention or they can burn everything down because they got out of hand.  Either way what you end up with is a disconnected Alpha/sad unicorn/never properly understood urban legend.

I am by no means perfect and without areas I still need to refine.  While I have done what my previous Doms asked of me, I have very rarely had any set protocols or things they wanted me to do on a set schedule.  I horribly bad at saying I want xyz unless forced mostly out of fear that my requests will be seen as out of order demands or worse yet met with silence or indifference.  I genuinely hate kneeling at anyone's feet.  Not because I am near feet but because several years of volleyball and track earlier in life made my knees thing not to land on.  I can be needy or at least come across that way when what I really want is to know my tasks/deeds/service is appreciated.  Much in the same way a puppy likes to be rewarded for not wetting the carpet by dragging you out of bed, I need to be stroked and reminded I did well or I am highly desired.  I have a smart mouth that sometimes flares up when I need to be hurt but can't find the words to ask.  It's a leftover from my vanilla day which would lead to harder more enthusiastic fucking from my partners. 

I hate being punished.  I can really enjoy the pain but knowing I disappointed my Dom can put me into much more of a funk than the pain.  I am still insecure about why me as opposed to someone: younger, fitter, more attractive, more experienced, with less baggage and less commitments than I have.  I can't easily relocate do to the aforementioned and oft cited as crazy mother.  I am periodically moody as hell that I have no children but weeks like this one say I'd be a horrible mom while dealing with my own mother.  And the coup de grace I don't foresee any of the relationships I'd happily pursue right now as ever leading to a "traditional" marriage for a variety of reasons not the least of which is any of those potential options all want long-term poly relationships.

Maybe I'm creating ways to maintain outsider/single status.  I don't think that's it but I could be wrong.  I just know that what it seems like I want in my head doesn't exist solely in any one body.  And while non of the options is so possessive as to say fucking someone else (with permission) is out of the question they all key in on different parts of my submissive brain.  The one that's getting chilly next to that dwindling fire.  That doesn't mean approach me all uber Domlike cause that's a magnificent fucking failure waiting to happen.  Everyone that meets me has a different way into my brain if they choose it.  I genuinely don't have a type even though there are traits I find highly desirable in potential mates and they will manifest differently in every single person: dependability, honesty, appropriate but periodically down right filthy mind fucks lol.  I want what every Alpha female/sub, unicorn, urban legend s type wants.  To be appreciated for all that is different and wonderful about us and still be just yours at the end of the long day.

Now I just killed an annoying jumbo fly and am feeling kinda icky in the universe at moment so I'm going to wrap this up.  If you made it all the way down here good for you.  Have a great afternoon, evening, morning or what not.

P.S. I got a shout out on Twitter from the hot and kink minded Rachel Kramer Bussel, made a girl's day yesterday I swear.


Just a Quickie: New Presents for Me

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 2 comments
I got my vintage color block heels today and opted to grab another vintage pair in red cause who doesn't need red heels?  And an even better present arrived today.

This is the ohmibod blue motion.  It's a nicely curved vibrator that can be controlled by an app on your phone.  It's wireless, the light you see right now is because it's charging, and comes with a wearable thong to keep it in place.  Run time when fully charged is about an hour but that's only if you can take it on that long.  I had it cranked up a bit because I was watching a gang bang video and I wanted to kill a kitten quickly.  I left more of the raised nubbin on my clit and enjoyed myself.  I tried a few of the settings and about 2 minutes into the intense setting I exploded once and then about 20 seconds later went off again.  It was fantastic.  I got this as part of the indiegogo campaign ohmibod was running but they are on the website now.  The tech support is fantastic as well.  LOVE it.  Now I need to decide if I'm going to let anyone use the remote control access.  Hmm what do you think?

Oh and y'all have left our heroine passed out in the bed for at least a week now.


Ok So I'm Feeling Better

Thursday, July 24, 2014 No comments
Not only has the funk lifted so has one week of god awful girl trouble.  Thanks to modern medicine cause I without drugs at least one of you out there would have died a bloody painful epic death at my hands.  But hey pharmaceutical interventions are amazing so I'm not in jail and no one is dead.

Not only is my mood improved but the kitties have resumed their untimely death as a result of my orgasmic output.  And in a red velvet first, I actually sacrificed a great big kitten while watching myself get licked and plundered.  Mostly plundered but the licking was good too.  Actually quite good.  Off tangent.  I've been recorded quite a few times prior to now and I've recorded myself to share with others but generally speaking I don't watch them later.  No particular reason why not it just hasn't registered that I need to.  I was frustrated in the shower and nothing was making it better so I got out, grabbed my tablet and fired up part two of my most recent play date.  It was more than enough to get me off clearly and yeah it's not as disturbing as I thought it would be.

I have been indulging in my vintage fetish as well.  I found an adorable pair of pumps from Chelsea Crew and need to find another pair from her cause I lust them and they would look good with a dress I bought at Heart of Haute.  However, my biggest expenditure came after trolling Fetlife the other day.  I love vintage lingerie like lust for it.  But as I am not a petite gal by any stretch finding something attractive and in my size has been more difficult.  Well turns out I had seen this piece before but again being a less than petite gal had trouble finding it and when I did it was never in stock.  Turns out I wasn't checking every place that I could so after looking again and taking more measurement than I have ever to make sure both my ample ass and unfortunately larger than I want it to be tummy would be accommodated I placed an order.  I mostly want them so I can wear them to the kinky event I'm heading to next month but if they fit like I hope then there will be lots of photos taken for no other reason than I will be SMOKING hot lol.

And if that wasn't enough I found out that my new vibe that has remote app access has shipped and will be hear early next week.  Now the question becomes do I give access to one of the people that make me cum or do I just keep it to myself and torment you with the potential opportunity to make me burst.


Greetings from the Subbieverse

Thursday, July 17, 2014 No comments
So I have not completely bounced back but a little bit of work helped out a great deal more than I thought.  And I got the check engine light on my car turned off again even though at some point I need to take it back to the flipping dealer so they can tell me what the issue is this time.  Well I know what it is, I need them to fix it and keep it fixed longer than a month.

I know I'm not feeling all the way on again because I haven't tried to get off in the shower.  That will sound silly but yeah as I'm washing up at last one finger goes after my clit.  I never rub long just enough to get a good ohh out and make my ass pop out a bit.  Boys you should know that movement and if you don't then you haven't been rubbing her spot well.  In my case too, toying with my clit while it's still safely tucked away is nice but really make it pop out and enjoy yourself.  When my clit is very very happy it looks like a pink version of my nipples which hey seem to be popular.  Even as I just rambled all of that out right now I'm not aroused, not even smiling that much--ok at all, which means I'm not quite centered. 

I was going to attribute part of this to another round of subdrop but that's not it either.  I hate feeling out of control or out of sorts.  Another ill timed conversation made me feel both and there was no one here or available to get me to refocus on something quickly.  I give HPP credit he did make me giggle and stop crying but that combined with other stuff this week just threw me off.

I'm sure I'll get out of my funk soon enough.  It would be great to be flogged into that happy place that makes all of this other stuff kind of disappear by default but not available just yet.  That's on the agenda though.  If I'm not better by then I'll probably return home injured.


I'll Be Honest: I Don't Understand Men

Monday, July 14, 2014 No comments
There used to be a time when I thought I had men all figured out.  Horny, stupid, emotional, friendly, needing a wife type.  I could figure them out, act accordingly if I chose and keep it pushing.  Over the last ten years or so, as I have settled more into who I am as a submissive and what I need from the men I choose to have around me it has come to my attention I don't have a flipping clue how they operate, what they want, what they really need, or why they behave as they do once they get any of those aforementioned boxes checked off the way the want.

The ones that register with that place in my brain that makes my submission coalesce into a mini state of nirvana tend to be unreliable at best.  They fire me up and then I fizzle.  I hate fizzling.  Fizzle is just an unhappy word.  It messes with the psyche. 

I don't trust the ones that blatantly want me.  Nothing in my experience tells me those men will be around that long either.  For totally different reasons, maybe once the lust is satiated I'm just an afterthought or I worry I will be and that freaks me out too.

I want some nice balance of the two but that has yet to work out either--him got shipped out and never to be seen again.

Moments like these make me feel flawed and small and honestly stupid for not figuring this out yet.  I really hate feeling like this.  Really really hate it.


Let's Play Together Part 3

Sunday, July 13, 2014 1 comment
Where we left off....

She was tempted to unleash a torrent of insults at him but knew that wouldn't end well so she took a moment to regroup.  She started begging as soon as she could breathe and her mind was semi clear.  He leaned against the wall, enjoying her frustration and whimpering.  He raised a finger to his lips and she went silent.  "Pick your next toy darling."

And now we begin....

Her brain was a mix of lust and hate.  She did this internal battle each time they were together for a long weekend.  She loved what her body ended up doing but there was a fight for control she had to lose each time to feel truly sated.  She was processing what was on the tray now that it was clearly in her line of vision.  If she could just get her legs free she would feel better so she asked for the wearable vibe that he could control with his smart phone thinking he'd have to untie her to put on the panties. 

He smirked as her voice cracked in her throat and panted out that she chose the vibe.  For some reason she continued to forget that he was usually a step or two ahead of her when her head got fuzzy.  He grabbed the vibe and inserted it into the black panties that were made for the toy.  He placed it on the bed between her thighs and fingered at the rope on her right ankle and waited for her leg to jerk.  He stroked her inner thigh and watched her eyes flutter until they closed and she began to moan.  Her foot toyed in his lap trying to encourage him to free her from her bonds.  He chuckled and moved it away as he stood up.

"I'm sure you're about to be disappointed but I'm not untying you.  Stop glaring at me.  It's not my fault.  They upgraded the vibe and the panties a bit since I last used it on you.  Today will be quite interesting."

He picked up the panties and unhooked the sides.  He patted her derriere and she raised up so he could slide them under her like a very sexy diaper.  The sting of humiliation was there in her gaze as he fastened her in and adjusted them so the raised edge of the vibrator was pressed firmly against her pussy and clit.  "Yes yes I know not what you were expecting.  You wanted those legs free but not this time my dear."  He turned and walked towards the door.  "I'm going to have a bit of coffee and I know the smell bothers you so I'll be downstairs."

She looked petrified that she would just be left there waiting for him to return.  As his foot hit the bottom of the stairs she felt the vibe come to life.  The pattern was erratic though.  Sometimes light to nearly non existent and other times shaking her with so much force she was sure she'd break an ankle as she flailed around on the bed.  Wave of orgasms built and crested over and over again.  Her wetness betrayed her fear and she wished she understood what rhythm the vibe was operating to this morning.  Just as another thunderous orgasm began to build making her body tingle and her brain slowly forget her predicament, he reappeared in the doorway.

She didn't completely comprehend what he was doing at first but it slowly registered why the pulsations had been all over the place since he left.  It was reacting to his voice.  When he was just breathing near the phone she got light feathery touches like he was caressing her under the table at dinner.  When it became more aggressive those were the moments he was explaining how he planned to fuck her like a bitch in heat and make her every bit the cum slut he knew her to be.  Those vague moments in the middle just seemed to be in response to him talking to the television or mumbling to himself.

Soon he was taunting her like he often did when he was fucking her and the pulse got more and more insistent.  One orgasm hadn't fully subsided before the device leached another from her now sweat covered body.  He called her a cunt, his personal cum slut, a perfect little masochistic toy all in a rush.  When he cooed be a good little girl for daddy, her body let loose a powerful orgasm along with an extended shriek.  She didn't get a chance to pick out the next toy though because at that very moment the orgasm rendered her unconscious.

So what should she be woken up to ladies and gents?


Worked on my Three R's

Friday, July 11, 2014 No comments
That of course would be reading, writing and recovering.  Yeah I know one of those is a W but if you much about American education that whole reading, writing and arithmetic is standard or was once upon a time.  Now it just seems to be about pass the test so your teacher doesn't get fired.

So to start with, I got knew smutty books to read.  One being the Big Book of Submission, check the side bar to buy it via Amazon.  A collection of short stories that were edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, one of my sheroes as she combines good writing with knowledge of kink and love of cupcakes.  I would so invite her to be part of the kinky Stepford Wives community if such a thing existed lol.  The other book is about submission and is by Kacie Cunningham called Conquer Me.

As for the writing my book is now in the editor's hands and is going to be edited within an inch of its life.  Well it's not alive but hey whatever.  The short stories need a thorough going over from someone that is not me and then I can see what my options are after this to publish on my own or through a traditional publisher which is my preference but is probably less likely.  I'm still waiting to hear if I made it into any of the four anthologies I submitted to but considering how many submissions each received I'm guessing that's more of a long shot than I thought it was before when I originally submitted.

The recovery is due to spending a few days with HPP who really is a bit on the voracious and insatiable side of things.  I cannot fully express that I have literally never cum that much or hard in my entire life.  We were mostly naked for nearly three days but that was interspersed with jokes and food and laughing at the tv and figuring out why folks should have been dead on the new 24 as well as roasting WWE this week.  It was almost like I had a life again even though I never slept through the night cause he makes my insomnia look like a sleeping sickness and whenever the moment struck him I was woken up by a very eager and forceful tongue which reminded me why I could never be a lesbian.  Men's tongues are rough and the facial hair oh my damn so good, friction makes me happy.  Mind you once I returned home I wanted to disappear again cause that lady that birthed me drove me fucking crazy but orgasms and photos are great reminders.  If I like you then you can ask for one but you may not get them like at all.

Ok off to enjoy the rest of the day.