When you want what you want

I am in a weird place in my head again.  I have other things working the way I want them to be most of the time at the moment.  I'm getting to the gym on a more regular basis, 5 times last week thank you very much, I'm eating better, cooking and doing more of what I want without feeling guilty, I'm even flirting a bit more even though it may not be with the best options for me sometimes.  There is nothing wrong with them at all but let's be honest my man radar is screwed up from time to time.  The men that make me drip and desperate for a spanking tend to do that to lots of people so making them mine all mine is difficult at best.  I've attempted to do the "not my type men" too.  They are sweet and the attention is nice but ultimately the thing I need to make me crawl over to them on my knees whenever they get home is missing from them.  I need the ones that could sit in a high backed chair with one bit of light focused on them just enough for me to see their eyes and mouth while they watch me intently until that curl of a lip happens letting me know that it was time to prove my love and affection repeatedly for the rest of the night.  Rug burn adorning my body while they may or may not have even bothered to take off more than their tie.

I was talking to diva this morning and realized that before I knew who I was fully I would pursue a good fucking with reckless abandon hoping that he would figure out what I really needed was to be made to feel used, to be in his possession, to fulfill whatever nasty little daydream he could have ever thought of.  One somewhat did but he never took it to the next level of kinky.  He could fuck me within an inch of my life, and oh he did on more than one occasion including days where if I could have escaped I so would have cause I wanted to keep walking, and he would let me know that I was his when he called for whatever he called.  However, that next level of internal longing could never be realized partially because I couldn't voice what that need was and because he wouldn't have been able to do that for me anyway.

Now that I know what I want, short of being very explicit when asked, I suck at being aggressive.  I also suck aggressively but that's during private time with a lucky gentleman.  All of that bravado that got me sticky and wet once upon a time now is lost.  There are a few folks that if they asked, and I thought they were ready to really take ownership of me, could have that without me blinking twice or thinking hard about it.  But they don't ask and neither do I.  That voice inside of me that didn't care about the risk or potential denial of my lust is gone away.  She has been replaced by a woman who needs to be taken, claimed, and owned.  One who when properly folded into to her partner's pocket is an intriguing, to say the least, new toy.  I have yet to master the concept of needing my partner in the traditional sense.  I can and do take care of myself quite well but there's another kind of need I have.  A longing, a desire, an unsated want that keeps me searching for the man that can cause a slack in the thirst until the next time he takes me and torments me and makes me feel whole.  The one that challenges my mind before he throws me off balance.  The one I can take to a sorority function and who at a moment's notice may signal me to meet him in the closest bathroom where he fucks me four ways to Sunday before we rejoin the crowd.  The one whose voice on a digital message makes me mad I missed the call, my brain get a little fuzzy and creates a stirring in the center of my creamy goodness.  That creamy center that really likes being flooded with his seed.  There's a different level of "you are mine" when you feel him force himself deeper inside of you when his nut is releasing.  Don't get me wrong I love a good hot mouthful of cum and firmly believe that semen is a great moisturizer but when you don't have to do anything but receive him the world is such a lovely place.  That may not happen anytime soon, if ever again, but oh the rush of that moment.  I know it made me orgasm yet again when it happened before.

For any man that thinks I may be talking to you or desperately wishes I was.  My need isn't typical but it's there.  I got the bills, I can take care of my car, I'm not afraid of spiders, I'm open to having "friends" share our bed, I understand and like most sports, and at no point am I expecting you to be my everything.  I will readily admit to wanting you to anyone that asks but that basic kind of need of you isn't there.  It's deeper, it's dirty, it's depraved and whenever you feed that need it only makes me more totally and completely yours.