Navigating Domly Waters

Friday, March 28, 2014 No comments
Doms are interesting humans.  My subbie pheromones but be on high because I've met quite a few interesting people in the last few weeks that have restored my hope that there are men that can stimulate my mind and my pussy simultaneously.  One is still leading the pack with that endeavor but location is at play in that scenario.  He's successfully managed to keep me engaged in conversation and stimulated both mentally and physically.  Plus he makes me laugh and you would be surprised how important that is to me.

The Doms closest to me have been 1) less than stellar in their approach or 2) not stepping up to the plate.  Which is frustrating to some degree.  What's the point of being all hypermasculine and dominating when you don't do anything productive with it?  You have all that energy going to waste and subs falling by the wayside wanting to serve but being unable to do so because they lack your direction.  It happened to me with a former Dom.  I know life gets hectic and you can't always do things to the best of your abilities but not doing them at all just leaves your sub rudderless and needy.  And shocker we don't get less needy the more you ignore us.  I greatly value the D/s dynamic but it's fragile and can easily be destroyed by inattention.  The more I think about it a good D/s relationship to me is like a great tennis match.  Great players/partners pull the best out of you and you push them to strive for more than they planned on as well.  But when your partner is flat, when they don't seem to be putting forth their best effort your motivation and enthusiasm can start to wane as well. 

People always talk about submission being a gift but so is dominance.  The natural ability to convince another person that they can trust you, depend on you, surrender to you and your guidance is no easy feat.  I have left very few relationships, D/s or otherwise, because I hated my partner.  I left because I became indifferent.  I was waiting, too long, to reconnect to the man that I had given myself over to and ended up in a place of just not caring about the dynamic enough to care if they wanted to be around or not.  I do have enough self-awareness to warn people when I feel myself getting there but to date no one has been able to pull me back into them.  And honestly when I get there I tend to stay there for a while which is unfair to new men I might meet but it's there all the same.

So now that I'm here and enjoying the ability to flirt again I am amazed at how we go from lust filled desperate to please each other and make each other sticky to indifference.  Why is it so much harder to walk away from D/s relationships than vanilla ones or is that just a problem for me?  I know that once I let you worm your way into my brain it takes a while to evict you.  Even when I've asked to be released or walked through the door that leads out of the relationship, part of me wants to believe that things can right themselves if just something can relight that fire that was there at one point.  I don't submit easily because I don't trust easily and it really does tear me to little pieces to finally say this situation won't be improving and I need to get out of here.  My lack of lust happens well before my lack of love unfortunately.  What I would really love is for us as consenting grown ups is to admit we don't suit each other anymore--usually not because we don't want to but we cannot give the other person what they need at the moment.  I couldn't keep being the patient pet waiting for her owner to come to save her from the mess that had been made.  And they could no longer spark that fire that burns in my belly to crawl over hot coals to lick their anything.

If there is a D/s relationship map please direct me to it.  I would love not to make the same mistakes again.


Do titles matter in BDSM?

Saturday, March 22, 2014 No comments
This will be rambling so I apologize.  I was talking to cyberdiva earlier today I think about the title of "little" because I don't traditionally identify as a little in the way others do.  I don't like to dress up in clothes that remind me of childhood.  I don't have any affection for most of my stuffed animals outside of elephant that I've had for ten years and a bear I had to let go of named Daddy Bear.  I've only had one outfit and it wasn't because I wanted to be a girl scout again.  It was because I wrote a series of smutty stories my first Daddy Dom referred to as cookie peddling.  It only seemed appropriate to buy it and wear it for Him.  I do like to color but I'm not coloring as a five year old I'm coloring as a nearly 40 something who wants to color as a means of stress relief.  And I color with my nieces when I see them but they are cute and no matter how much I don't want to lay on the floor while they show me miniscule differences in the page as they are coloring I can't say no.

During a recent update to my page I changed my role to babygirl.  To my mind it was the better fit but when I started exploring the groups on fetlife I didn't feel like I was in step with the vast majority of littles/babygirls.  I've been little girl/babygirl to my last two Doms.  I think one started off as a joke cause he was nearly 7 feet tall and let's just say if I measure 5'4'' on a given day I'm happy.  But the more the dynamic between us evolved I was definitely His little girl.  I didn't regress in age (still don't) but the trust I placed in Him and the safety I felt with Him felt deeper than just being my Dom.  It was comforting when He called me His "big little girl" and it was natural to call Him Daddy (He actually did have a six year old daughter so the distinction was somewhat necessary so neither of us felt creeped out--not that there anything creepy about the traditionally interpreted Daddy/little dynamic it just wasn't what how we worked).

I wasn't sure that was going to be presence in my next D/s relationship but He picked up on that part of my persona faster than I did.  I would regress with Him every now and then but it was mostly after I was very very stressed and was in need of domination but to be cared for too.  Once that was achieved I was mostly myself and could get rather umm demanding sexually for some reason.  Again it felt natural to be His little girl but not be little in the traditional sense.

I had one other lifestyle relationship and that dynamic was Master/slave.  It did not fit.  It was awkward and it was stilted and while He could and would spank and hurt me like no other but there was almost literally no sex.  If I had made Him very happy He would deign to let me pleasure Him orally--and I would because I am good at that, really really good--and then if I begged well enough I could swallow my efforts and if not was used to coat my face.  It wasn't even that the sex was necessary, I can get off quite easily on my own, but there was no connection outside of the few moments I was tied up and subject to His whims.  He was very Old Guard which may be great for creating and deepening feelings of submission but did jack squat for making me lust to repeat the dynamic.  I need a bit more freedom than slave role provides.  And I could just maintain my place as a submissive that wouldn't really address how much I adore and enjoy being my Dom's special little girl.  Enjoy how excited I get to see Him, be with Him, please Him all while He protects me and enjoys watching me grow in my submission with Him.

I'm not sure if I need a new title.  I checked the groups today and everyone has a different definition of little, if it includes age regression, babygirls who apparently are younger than littles and now middle.  From what I've read I don't fit any of those.  I'm not a teenager or a first grader and I am definitely not a toddler.  I'm usually a 38 year old woman who wants a certain kind of connection to her Dom.  And just to confuse things even more if it was a category I'd want to be a 1950s subbie girl.  While some of the roles given to women during that time frame were sexist and confining I love it.  I love that there was an appreciation for femininity and taking care of my partner's needs and the clothes I really love the clothes.  I do call myself a brat sometimes and admit to being spoiled so maybe I am more of a middle but when I think of Daddy Dom I think of my biological father who was nurturing and caring and pushed me when I needed to be and who spoiled me within reason.  I want that but with sex, lots of hot sex, and the ability to serve Him.  I had a great relationship with my dad and miss him often but even before I figured out I was remotely submissive I knew that's what I wanted in a relationship.  I guess the fact that I want to "date" my Dom complicates part of this as well.  Maybe not who knows. 

So what do you think?  Is there a difference between my perception of little and who I am?  What say you?


Just a quickie: What Kind of Babygirl Am I?

Friday, March 21, 2014 No comments
What kind of babygirl are you?
Your Result: Spoiled
You are a little feisty. Daddy may have to tell you to bite your tongue on occasion because you enjoy talking back and being a little bratty. Daddy probably has to punish you more than other little girls, especially when you're stubborn. Daddy enjoys being around you because you are a force to be reckoned with and he likes the challenge. You and your Daddy may enjoy: Playfully fighting, making faces at each other, and having eternal arguments over which one of you is a "butthead".


Random Rambling from Red

I'm warning you now this is going to be all over the place so if you keep reading and are later confused totally not my fault.  I am in the middle of that moment in time that all women hate unless of course they have been indiscriminately having unprotected sex and are hoping against hope there isn't a bun in the oven.  I'm all for that if you are actively having sex but if you are being a good girl, chaste, almost a nun even we should get a pass on that for a while.  This shit is for the birds.  Especially since the timing is unpredictable and I haven't gotten the wave of pain down again.  A morphine drip would be real nie right now just so we're clear.

Now to part of why I opened up the blog tonight.  Inspired by Sophie's book which I talked about in my last post I started looking for other books that looked less like 50 Shades of Crap (I hate that


Random Updates from My Almost Last Day Alone

Tuesday, March 18, 2014 No comments
For those of you that have been around longer than a few weeks, you know that my mother lives with me and routinely drives me crazy.  It's quite annoying when she's here because simple things like having a loud orgasm are not really possible.  Don't get me wrong I still have them but seriously it's been a decade almost since I've been able to just cum at will without being worried about volume control---unless she is on one of her visits to see the very adorable nieces well in her case granddaughters.  I've been naked or as scantily clothed as I could be for the last three weeks.  The fact that this week is also spring break has made it worse.  I have thoroughly broken in my new be and I must say whomever made the Hitachi wand is a freaking genius and in need of a Nobel Peace Prize.  If everyone was just having really GOOD orgasms I imagine a lot of the things we stress out about would not be as crucial as they become.  And best believe I've had quite a few in the last few days since it arrived.  Between my own vivid imagination, my copious amounts of girl on girl porn (odd considering I have no desire to date a woman--fuck her yes date her no--like ever but watching them get each other off makes me smile), and a book suggestion from a new friend on a lifestyle board I have had more than enough fodder to sacrifice kittens.  I do feel bad for the little boogers as they are usually quite adorable but the ability to cum at will and with volume is priceless.


Stream of Consciousness

Saturday, March 15, 2014 No comments
This will be rambling and weird so I'll apologize for that now.  I am having the strangest thoughts and emotions as of late.  Nothing that concerns me in the I need help range but I hate not knowing what I'm doing or who I'm doing or why I'm doing them lol.  As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I'm very much so more secure in who I am as a submissive/babygirl than I have been ever in my life.  And while that makes me content on one level it's not at all meaning I'm moving any closer to long term stable happy relationship with anyone other than myself.  My life in general is moving along well.  Work is good, working out is good, cooking is great.  I've made new friends and I'm learning all about the joys of taking care of my house.  But I'm horny as all get out.  The men locally SUCK on so many levels and the non local one are a mixed bag.

A few I would fuck just on GP but they are too far away or busy as hell which does nothing to stop me from having to produce my own orgasms.  And there's a new one that so the epitome of not local that seems like he's a subbie girl's daydream.  Well this one anyway as I am a little twisted as subbie girls go.  I've debated if it's just a girl with a shiny new toy thing because you know when there's a new potential playmate I get super duper distracted and moist.  But it's not just that.  For those that know me you know I am hard to control and harder to keep interested.  It takes a special type of persona to get up in my brain and then I'm a wee bit more than pliable.  It does help that he's thousands of miles away at the moment cause if not I'd probably not be typing this right now.  I'd more than likely be passed out on the floor in a sticky pile wondering how I'm going to explain the rug burn on my cheek to the folks at the gym.  He's creating lovely new fantasies in my brain and that's giving me all sorts of fodder for when I need to release myself and that has been frequently in the last few days.  That could also be because I bought that Hitachi Wand and damn that thing is heavenly.  Oh my damn it's good.  I'm in need of a good breath deprived plunging fuck.  Ah well a girl can dream.

I planted my calla lily bulbs into containers.  I'm not ready to destroy the yard plus the weather is so crazy that while it's 50 something today everything could be covered in ice and 12 in a few days.  Right before that I started prepping food for tomorrow's dinner.  Moment's like these make me feel very Kinky Klaire esque.  A whole different kind of domestic goddess.  The skirt I bought from a vintage shop did the same thing.  All I needed was a pin curl set and a pair of low heels.  I'd have happily served dinner, drinks and a side of head in that skirt.  Like I said I'm all over the place.  There has to be a man somewhere that appreciates and can properly utilize all of my talents lol.  Ok back to figuring out what I can do with my summer travel plans.


Just a Quicke: Music with Subbie Overtones

Tuesday, March 04, 2014 No comments
Ok I think too much sometimes but as I am lusting after Adam Levine on The Voice I'm remembering one of his songs and then other songs that have submissive tones when it hits my ears. I have no even inkling if that's how they were meant but that's what I hear.

Maroon 5 Wipe Your Eyes
Bruno Mars Gorilla
Megan Hilty and Will Chase History is Made at Night
I think this was originally a Billy Joel song but the version I like is by Cole Vosbury
Jill Scott All I…
Christina Aguilera Save Me From Myself

There are others I'm forgetting. I'm not thinking the overt ones like Discipline or S&M, just the ones that feel that they sneaked something in at the last minute or very subliminal.


Totally Naked Sunday

Sunday, March 02, 2014 No comments
So this is a rare indulgence for me since I am usually the full-time caretaker of my mother.  She is off visiting my brother so I get to spend the weekend doing whatever I want--well actually another two and a half weeks of doing whatever I want.  I have been cleaning and cooking and hitting the gym but today is just naked time.  The only thing I'm wearing at the moment is a scarf around my very wet hair.  The rest of me is mostly as God made me save a few tattoos and a sticky wet spot that I'm keeping safe from the bed with a towel.  Since it's TNS I normally shoot a masturbation video or six.  I shot two this morning after I shaved my lady bits.  I haven't shaved in a while so it's always a little weird the first few minutes when I'm bare.  After that it feels extra naughty every time my hand has to be in the area.  Just wiped up after the potty and making contact with my pussy made me smile and cum a little bit.  And not to be left out of the ample fun, my clit has been ridiculously engorged today.  If my boobs were still 25 year old perky I'd try to find a place I could be naked more often but they are not and they are also MUCH bigger now so that would probably hurt if I needed to run for anything.

As I usually do, I was talking to diva and shooting the breeze.  She helped me come to a realization of sorts.  I used to be what could only be described as a mostly discrete slut bunny in college.  I had just come out of a four year relationship.  The male to female ratio was dramatically not in my favor.  And let's just say my penchant for picking the wrong man to want more from had never been more refined.  As a result, I opted to date like a man or better yet not date and fuck my way to bliss.  And if I do say so myself I was good at it.  It probably set the foundation for the part of my submission that desires to be used.  Regardless there was never a lack of available no strings dick.  Some of it better than others and who periodically interrupted other plans cause I'm not passing up good dick lol.  The problem, if you could say there was one, is that I was basically insatiable.  Good sex made me want more sex.  The better it got the more and longer I wanted.  I'm pretty sure there were quite a few days you could have described me as cum drunk and I loved it.  If I could have shot up orgasms I would have been strung out and happy as fuck.  However, my life now is a bit different.

I try to contain that wanton slut to a single person or to my stories.  I will admit to being a tiny bit afraid of what would happen if she was given free reign again.  Mind you I have different responsibilities and limitations that I did not have in undergrad and right now no one is dicking me down so the chances of mainlining orgasms is not an issue.  But it's why I don't pursue some people beyond casual flirting.  Something about them triggers the slut's attention and desires and really I don't want to be addicted to any man ever again.  That shit drives me nuts.  I hate not being able to scratch an itch the minute I need it or at least within 24 hours.  Yeah I know that is probably short sighted on my part but the slut clouds my decision making.  I miss her though and all those grand adventures and copious amounts of orgasms we shared, we created and the fluid we lost and found in others.

Anyhoo we had a different conversation too.  Could you be a full time side line/part time lover?  While there are some definite perks, my pussy is greedy and not sure she could handle not being able to slide down on the dick of her choosing without wondering if he enjoyed the way another woman did it better.  It would of course create a challenge that force me to fuck him into a stupor but that's so much extra work lol.  And others would say if he's sliding into you then he must not enjoy her as much as you anyway.  Could be right but you can't be logical with a pussy.  They just want you to give and give and when you have given all you have they suck a little more out of you, hee hee.  Right now I may be able to rationalize with her as we are just enjoying electronic devices.  But the minute there is demanding flesh filling her up and making her beg I'm not sure what will come of me.  Oh and don't worry about that right now, I still have no offers on the table to be anything other than a muse.  Oh and a supplier of orgasm videos.

Update: I finished all my chores and made dinner for tonight and the next few nights really.  Some mini pizzas for lunch along with some salads for whenever, grilled steaks and the chicken is marinating to be cooked later this week.  If I lived alone life would be amazing it appears.  Unencumbered orgasms, naked just cause, and food to my palette not modified and rushed.  Hope you had a good Sunday.


Soothe My Troubled Soul

Saturday, March 01, 2014 No comments
I am in the process of finding a new blog layout.  It just feels like there needs to be a glossier page sitting here.  I am going to adjust some things as a result too.  Most of the older writing (stories) will be pulled just because they feel stagnant at this point.  I will probably add one of the short stories that is out in print or at least link to the books if you want to see what is already out there.  I think I'm going to add a dedicated page (tab really) to writing, what I'm working on, solicitations for editors/preppers/honest feedback.  Then there will likely be a separate page dedicated to my BDSM life and desires.  Right now everything is just mixed up right now and I am feeling cluttered in my brain so I want to sort that out.  None of that has anything to do with what I opened the post tonight to write about.

I am randomly hearing songs that elicit lots of strong emotions from me.  Some make me feel sexy and sensual.  Others make me feel like I want to suck the life out of someone's cum coated dick. And still others make me feel like I could ride off into the sunset on the freshly hardened aforementioned previously cum coated dick.  I can't tell you what will set one of these emotional cascades in motion either.  Some of it will depend on my mood but I know a lot of it is very rhythm drum beat driven.  I mean for example there's nothing wrong with Katy Perry's (and Juicy J's) Dark Horse and it does make me wiggle in my seat a bit when I hear it but it has yet to fully push me over into a different mindset.  Other songs hit my ear drums and it's a pity and a shame no one is near me that can benefit from that rush of energy.  Gorilla by Bruno Mars sets me off every time especially when he hits the second chorus.  He's very Prince like without trying to mimic Prince in the slightest.  He's got a lot of good songs and I will bust a move on the treadmill if Treasure comes on but Gorilla makes me wet and horny.   Which is what Prince does to me a lot without really trying.  I'm HOPING that I can convince a former playmate or find a new one to molest after I catch Prince this summer.  I am a big ball of sexual energy after a concert anyway but Prince makes it worse. 

The vibrations from the speakers, the rhythm of the crowd, watching a man totally control a room of people with his voice and a guitar---all of it just makes me quiver like a tuning fork.  Tonight the song that set me off isn't even one that's even overtly sexy.  And I didn't hear it until a few months ago even though it's eons old at this point.  Alright by John Legend had me singing in my head at the gym and then blasting it on the rest of my errands.  As I was listening and singing loudly it started to push those other buttons because I let my brain slip into that happy space.

And by happy space I mean that area of my brain that acknowledges when I'm hungry.  I have eaten well the last few days so it's not food that I want.  It's a craving for fingertips to press into my flesh and leave bruises or sore spots because I am being roughly handled.  It's a tiny ache to make contact with a masculine frame, inhale his scent, lick the salt from his skin and gulp up his nut.  It is a deep burning desire to hear my name moaned in delight, anticipation, and pride that I have outperformed even their greatest expectations.  It's the place where my brain disconnects from the shoulds and the musts and the straight laced professional into an immoral, immodest, lustful, lecherous, lascivious, debauched woman that is always underneath the turtle neck sweaters and dress pants.  There is an addiction in my system for a strong man to take full advantage of my need to please, to feed my hunger and let me melt into his desire.

Since there is no one available to foot the bill I guess I will just enjoy naked weekend and daydream about my next meal.