There was once a sad princess in need of a prince

Sunday, August 31, 2014 1 comment
This will not be a fairy tale or at least not a normal one.  I was never the princess type of girl growing up.  My father blissfully skipped the stories of a damsel waiting for her brave super masculine prince to rescue her from whatever plagued her feminine brain.  He told me I could rescue myself and the man waiting on the other side would have to earn my heart.  So really imagine my confusion when at my core there's a part of me frozen and waiting for someone to unleash me from my chains.

I imagine her locked away in a castle overrun by ice, desolate on approach and nearly abandoned.  She doesn't cry, she doesn't cry out, she just waits.  Only a few men have found there way there, been brave enough to enter her chambers and touch her chilly face.  Even fewer of them were able to stoke that fire, slip into the space out of time with the rest of the world and enjoy the briefly happy princess.  In that space she is alive and smiling and carnal and exploratory and giving and lustful for all that he can teach her.  She takes him into her bed and he's amazed at the fire that seems to erupt in her skin and intoxicate him.  Her smile melts the frost around them and she begs him to take her away.  She is envious that he has been alive and knows a world outside of her icy domain.  She longs to leave with him and he promises to return with all they need to cover the barren terrain.  She waits, sitting back on her thrown, watching the ice creep back into the room around her slowly.  The color seeps from her hair a little more each time.  The tear drops lock in place on her cheeks and she finally closes her eyes and dreams again of the prince that will restore life to her castle.  The one that just left will never return.  The next one that comes will not be able to chisel through the new layer of ice.  He will have to awaken her with his passion not his actions alone.  The actions have not proven themselves consistent.  She needs to feel truth in his being and a desire to drag her from the castle wrapped only in her blanket as her smile clears their path.

She won't be sad, lonely and confused forever but who will make it inside the castle once and for all.


Dalek Death Stars and Weird Dreams

Saturday, August 30, 2014 No comments
I am a light weight Whovian and really only watch when I like the current Dr. or his companion.  But a website called is tapping into my super nerdy side every time I visit.  There's a bunch of great shirts there from other lovers of Dr. Who and Batman/Superman/Spiderman and Star Wars and Minions and the like.  If you don't visit often you'd likely miss a design you love. If you do visit often you are likely to be broke so balance that out if you can lol.  If you click the Dr. Who link it will take you to a collection that David Tennant (my favoritest Dr. ever) pulled together.  Teefury and provided my daytime t-shirt wear.  Love them both as they allow me to be pervy and nerdy all at once.  Ah well moving on.

It's a holiday weekend around here after the first full busy week of classes.  This would be super relaxing if I was solo or even with any of the kinky people I hung out with a few weeks ago.  Alas I am home with my mother who is a right pain in the ass about nearly everything you could be a right pain in the ass about.  Tomorrow or very early Monday I will be coerced into very slowly cooking a brisket so that she can eat it and feel like she's having a grand old holiday food fest.  I don't mind her having one but I do mind all the complaining that comes along with it.  Just for the record I likely won't be cooking tomorrow.  I hate cold barbecue.  I hate reheating barbecue the day of an event.  you reheat barbecue when it's leftovers.  And while it won't be super spicy it's probably going to be seasoned much better than if I let her handle it on her own.  And lots and lots of onions. 

As to the aforementioned dreams that made their way into the title let's just say my brain when sleep deprived is a crazy fucking place.  I had lost a little bit of weight, my hair was chasing the black away and was mostly silver, my brother and mother were hanging around right before I left for a kinky event and my ex was in the mix for some reason.  Not even an ex Dom which hey going to a kinky event might make sense but just someone I used to enjoy seeing naked a LOT.  When I came back my brother was gone, my mother was asleep but my ex was still fucking there.  He had another flash of domliness and while I had a great time with what followed I was really just confused when I woke up.  I briefly went back to sleep and he was still there waiting to terrorize me.  I stayed up after that.  I know I'm officially off the high of the pain and kink love in but that was just bizarre. 

How goes life where you are?


Kinky Travel Recap: This time with extra sleep added

Thursday, August 21, 2014 2 comments
So I have been home since about 2 on Sunday afternoon.  I have been running full steam until this morning though. The joys of going back to work after a great vacation.  My voice is still kinda funky but other than that it was a tiny blessing just to be able to sleep past 6:30 this morning.  And then the best thing ever happened when I was up long enough to turn the damn alarm off---it was raining.  Rain is both a sedative and an aphrodisiac for me.  If I'm alone it's the equivalent of someone tucking me in and rocking me back to sleep.  If I'm not alone well let's just say the water works won't just be a board piece in Monopoly.  Wait is that on the new Monopoly boards now?  I hope so or damn I'm getting old.

Anyway, I wasn't sure I had any major expectations of this trip after attending the inaugural APK event in June.  It could be like a huge deal or it could b a low key function with old friends gathering and have me feeling like odd woman out.  Upon arriving Thursday afternoon, I was pretty sure there was going to be massive disappointment on the horizon.  There was no one to greet attendees, the hotel was just ok, and nothing was ready to go.  Granted I'm not a hotel snob but this would have been a stopover hotel on a long trip not the destination spot.  But hey my plan wasn't to be sleeping much so this shouldn't be a huge deal right?  No fridge, no microwave for those of us below the penthouse lol but again going to be rushing around so hopefully not a huge deal.  I am glad my roommate prepped well so we had cold water and drinks as needed.  The events of that night were more loosey goosey than I was expecting so really I grabbed a bite to eat and then proceeded on down the molesting trail.


I should be sleeping but...

Sunday, August 17, 2014 2 comments
Ok I went way off the grid the last few days.  I barely checked my email, didn't play on Facebook and really save watching a movie and checking my flight information out to come home I really did not turn the computer on very much.  It would be nice to say I was taking a stand but seriously I was on a much needed kinky vacation.  Over the last few days I have learned way more than I thought I would, saw way more loveliness than I ever intended from both the men and women in attendance, got to unleash my vintage chick, figured out how much waist line could be evaporated by a good piece of shape wear, was tied into a corset for dear life--which was heavenly (thanks Rayn and Havoc), got a good flogging, didn't sleep much, had ridiculously good conversations about everything from my time stalking Prince to the roles and wants of submissive women.

I have to say thank you to green lantern for finally getting me to attend Black Beat.  It was an eye opening experience in so many ways.  The rope workshops were particularly amazing and it was both validating and encouraging that so many people that looked like me got this particular kink of mine.  If you can see Mr. Mentl and his sub Verity demo rope play please do.  It will well be worth your time.

I found out how powerful just your hands can be during a scene and am very glad no one that has alerted me that the want to see me naked attended lol.  I'm glad I got in a LOT of naked time.  Woosah that was the business just so we're clear.

Watching others play and seeing things I would like to try, may not be bad to try and you will have to lobotomize me to try was great.  But most wonderful in that was watching Dom/mes in the room slip from hurt mode to loving and caring after care.  Being brought back down to a place where you are still kind of high but feeling protected and reconnected to reality is a special kind of amazing.

The submissive gathering helped with a struggle of mine, namely being able to walk into a potentially polyamorous relationship with a future dominant.  I really would like to prepare mentally for it so that I can work through the emotional crap but I was able to hear for others that's not really possible.  You just have to take that step and see where it leads you.  And I saw great examples of how loving and functional those relationships can be from the Gilligan's Island savant and his crew and as well as raynstorm, her sister and their Dom.

It was good to see a few familiar faces from the event I went to in June and others I had briefly interacted with online before.  And then it was fascinating to meet a billion new people and realize how fantastically diverse the community of people that look like me is.  They are professional and homemakers, artistic and analytical, outright funny or dryly sarcastic, and best yet they are freaky and friendly and give good hugs and a few will smack the living shit out of your ass as you walk on by.  I met fellow Whovians, lovers of Minions, and best of all the people who truly understand how twisted the relationships are between Harley and Mr. J as well as Batman and Catwoman.  I didn't give away all of my postcards (still have two left in addition to the one I am keeping for myself) so if you are a fan of the Bat and Cat let me know what you learned from BB this weekend and the best two answers (judged solely by my hopefully not sleepy brain whenever I get around to them).  For those that are wondering what it looks like go to my last photo uploaded about the Bat and Cat.

Was everything smooth?  Of course not. Things didn't get as up and running as I was expecting until Friday but then it was non stop until we all finally stepped out of the haze that is a largish gathering of kink.  I'm a bit of an overplanner and like things to be ticked off at least a week in advance of anything major that I'm doing.  But I also know that pull together large events can make it difficult to manage all the moving parts. 

After having two good trips out and about into the kink community outside of my normal living space I can say I'll be venturing out to as many as I can reasonably afford.  I can't say they will all be good but even being ten years into the journey of my submission I learned a ton this weekend that will help me shape who I am yet to become.

Talk with you soon


Am I being unrealistic?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014 No comments
Okay so I'm in a weird head space after hearing of Robin William's death.  As others have said, no I didn't know him and what I knew of him was from the other side of the screen but I am really having a rough time with this one.  Mork and Mindy was one of the first shows I could watch without my mother hovering about the content.  He's been around literally my entire life.  This is weird.  I wonder how I'm going to react when Prince dies.  Anyway, weird head space as I mentioned before and it's making me think about a lot of different things.

One being relationships within the BDSM universe.  I know there are some very happy couples within our lifestyle.  I envy them and want the same thing for myself.  However, what I tend to see lately are people married to or in long-term relationships with other people while being with their D/s partner.  I can't even say lately.  Of my previous Doms, the people they chose for partners were typically not involved in the lifestyle.  Only one of them was married or partnered when we met though so they had different circumstances. 

When I'm having moments, I think about joining to find my vanilla partner and then continue seeking out the right D/s dynamic for side pursuits.  I know that sometimes you can bring that out in a vanilla partner and I think women may be more successful at that than men but I don't want to convince the man I love that he really wants to hurt me (I mean that's a head fuck in and of itself).  I want him to know that in his heart before we even get there.  Is it unrealistic to think that that man exists and is going to stimulate my mind and naughty bits equally?  Is it unrealistic to think he would be single if I did meet him?  Is it silly of me to think the person that makes me wet just because I see them come across my phone or computer or tablet will be readily available to me? 

I know what we do isn't standard or mainstream but in so many other ways I see it as just another traditional relationship.  I won't go as far as others have and say we're following a more Biblical order but letting my partner lead and direct us has all I have ever really wanted.  I don't need that much freedom or options when it comes to who is in charge of our relationship.  My need is to serve, submit and be desired.  I would love to be stroked gently up and down my back as I sleep next to my Dom.  To giggle in his arms when he catches me and tosses me on the bed.  To wake up tied to the bed with a choice between the Hitachi wand and the remote control vibe knowing both mean uncontrolled orgasms but for totally different amounts of time.  Are those things even really options if what I need is to be used, reclaimed, left spent and panting and desperately hungry for his attention?

I know this all probably seems very random but Robin's death made me think about unfulfilled desires and needs.  We can never fix the past but not achieving in the present seems overwhelmingly painful sometimes.  Not for me but clearly for others.  Anyhoo, what do you think?


Yes I am IN my feelings

Saturday, August 02, 2014 No comments
I seriously hate that phrase most of the time because it implies there's something wrong with having an emotional reaction to things but right now my emotions are scattered and I'm stressed and the one thing I really need is hundreds of miles and several mental states away from me right now.  This will be a rambling mess so if you are so inclined to keep reading please do so but if not then head for the next kinky fuck fest cause that's not happening here right now.

I have probably been a sub forever.  I realized it in my mid twenties and finally got to explore it in my late 20s.  I have learned a bit from each of those relationships which brings me to now and the mush in my brain.  Another thing happened in my late 20s which solidified my submission for different reasons.  My mother, blessed creature that gave me life, got sick--really sick.  She moved in with me a year later and between working full time, sorting out my own health issues, and taking care of her I seriously had no mental energy, let alone emotional or psychological energy, to want to be the dominant force in any relationship.  The fact that men found me and wanted to pursue me was a minor miracle because I was most definitely not "putting myself out there" during that time.

So here I am now in my late 30s and yeah she's still here and this week has been one for the ages which makes me remember how much I crave letting that all wash away with the right person.  To see me with my Dom is to see me relaxed, smiling, sighing deeply and most of all happy knowing that my service is appreciated and desired by someone who knows what to do with it.  I haven't been actively seeking that connection for a year or two after the Dom I thought I would marry and I split.  Turns out I'm not able to indefinitely wait for things to sort themselves out.  Bad sub, bad sub.

I've may have mentioned it before but I keep hearing that I'm a different kind of sub.  I'm smart and independent and won't just fall the feet of anyone because they ask/demand it.  I have to be won.  I have to be conquered.  I have to be appreciated.  I have to be fill in the blank.  All of that may be true and if so that is equally frustrating because to some degree I cannot turn the submission switch to on and just go yeah but that's the ticket right there.  Whether you go with Alpha female/submissive, unicorn, or urban legend what I end up hearing on one end is difficult.  Not just for the Dom that may seek me out but for me because most men cannot keep up long enough to peak my interest.  And you have to keep in mind that I don't necessarily see myself as all that different.  I have had to become this person to take care of people in my life since I was like 10.  If you say I am I'll believe you, well if you say it enough, but it's not my natural inclination to think of myself as all that special or unique as I'm like most women in some regards.  I am not immune from base reactions to beautiful bodies but that won't make me submit.  That just makes me want to fuck you repeatedly.  Not a bad thing but definitely not a long term situation either.

For the equally rare or determined Doms that manage to tap into my submissive mind they face another challenge.  Think of that part of my brain as a flicker of fire you are trying to start in a rainstorm.  It can very quickly fizzle if you go meandering off into the wrong areas or more likely than the misadventure is failure to nurture the fire properly.  I know new connections spark and can blaze mightily to keep the analogy going.  The thing is though they can burn themselves out without proper attention or they can burn everything down because they got out of hand.  Either way what you end up with is a disconnected Alpha/sad unicorn/never properly understood urban legend.

I am by no means perfect and without areas I still need to refine.  While I have done what my previous Doms asked of me, I have very rarely had any set protocols or things they wanted me to do on a set schedule.  I horribly bad at saying I want xyz unless forced mostly out of fear that my requests will be seen as out of order demands or worse yet met with silence or indifference.  I genuinely hate kneeling at anyone's feet.  Not because I am near feet but because several years of volleyball and track earlier in life made my knees thing not to land on.  I can be needy or at least come across that way when what I really want is to know my tasks/deeds/service is appreciated.  Much in the same way a puppy likes to be rewarded for not wetting the carpet by dragging you out of bed, I need to be stroked and reminded I did well or I am highly desired.  I have a smart mouth that sometimes flares up when I need to be hurt but can't find the words to ask.  It's a leftover from my vanilla day which would lead to harder more enthusiastic fucking from my partners. 

I hate being punished.  I can really enjoy the pain but knowing I disappointed my Dom can put me into much more of a funk than the pain.  I am still insecure about why me as opposed to someone: younger, fitter, more attractive, more experienced, with less baggage and less commitments than I have.  I can't easily relocate do to the aforementioned and oft cited as crazy mother.  I am periodically moody as hell that I have no children but weeks like this one say I'd be a horrible mom while dealing with my own mother.  And the coup de grace I don't foresee any of the relationships I'd happily pursue right now as ever leading to a "traditional" marriage for a variety of reasons not the least of which is any of those potential options all want long-term poly relationships.

Maybe I'm creating ways to maintain outsider/single status.  I don't think that's it but I could be wrong.  I just know that what it seems like I want in my head doesn't exist solely in any one body.  And while non of the options is so possessive as to say fucking someone else (with permission) is out of the question they all key in on different parts of my submissive brain.  The one that's getting chilly next to that dwindling fire.  That doesn't mean approach me all uber Domlike cause that's a magnificent fucking failure waiting to happen.  Everyone that meets me has a different way into my brain if they choose it.  I genuinely don't have a type even though there are traits I find highly desirable in potential mates and they will manifest differently in every single person: dependability, honesty, appropriate but periodically down right filthy mind fucks lol.  I want what every Alpha female/sub, unicorn, urban legend s type wants.  To be appreciated for all that is different and wonderful about us and still be just yours at the end of the long day.

Now I just killed an annoying jumbo fly and am feeling kinda icky in the universe at moment so I'm going to wrap this up.  If you made it all the way down here good for you.  Have a great afternoon, evening, morning or what not.

P.S. I got a shout out on Twitter from the hot and kink minded Rachel Kramer Bussel, made a girl's day yesterday I swear.