Places and Spaces

Monday, September 29, 2014 No comments
My brain has been all over the place late.  So many moments of indecision and confusion and brief shining moments of clarity.  There have been moments of elation, frustration, exhaustion, envy and lust but none of them have been around long enough to purge me of its friends.  They have swept in like carrion birds to pick at bits of my spirit in a rush before taking flight and leaving me battered.  It's not as if this has never happened because of course it has.  It has just never swung in and stayed so long.  It's likely partially my fault because I dipped my toes back into the world that centers me so quickly and haven't been back there in over a month.  Talking about it doesn't give my body that jolt that sends everything rushing out of my brain but the pain.  The sweet sweet pain that makes me feel ethereal and like I'm floating.  Everything else feels like a temporary escape from the daily grind that gives me an hour or two of peace and tranquility that is no where as lasting as having my flesh warmed and tight from a flogger or a belt or a hand or a well you get the point.

In some ways I still feel confused about where my role is and who I will ultimately end up following.  Don't get me wrong I know which side of the slash I belong on but I keep trying to figure out what the next man will need to do in order to fully capture my attention.  I'm no longer the young spry sub girl who was swept up by the promise of pain.  I'm also not the girl who can be controlled by the threat of pain.  I read another post and thought she's right and then not right as it applies to me.  I desperately need to trust you in order to submit to you.  When or if you break that trust I should probably save you years of frustration trying to get me back into the right head space because that will always be lingering somewhere.  But part of my brain needs to fear you.  I need to have a little tickle in my spine whenever your voice drops an octave.  My dilemma now is I'm not sure it's fair or even reasonable to expect that dichotomy in the Man I choose to serve.  It's a hard switch to pull from being my teddy bear to my tormentor but if I'm honest with myself that's what I want.  That fictionalized man inspires me to run my fingertips across my parted lips wishing waiting wanting to be forced against the wall and stripped and fucked until all that's left is my parted lips saying thank you Sir.

I'm enamored of that space.  Truthfully I've rarely been pushed to my limit.  I've used my safe word once in ten years not because I was being a strong tough girl but because I needed to.  He told me he wanted to bruise me and chocolate doesn't bruise so easily.  But that high kept me pain free for 12 hours of a 16 hour drive.  And the purple markings that appeared over the next few days made me smile.  The inability to sit down during my initial staffing meetings was a secret rush.  Being Klaire is my vanilla persona.  That Kinky tag is the real me.  I get to emerge and thrive in that space.  I miss that space.  So much.


Hunger Pains

Sunday, September 14, 2014 1 comment
Most days I'm an average girl
I do average girl things
I work
I sleep
I watch a bit too much tv
I may make it to the gym
I regret a few things and then remember old words of wisdom
Two tears in a bucket
Fuck it
On other days I channel the better part of me
I am inspiring
I am amazing (at least to me lol)
I am caring
I go above and beyond
I cook healthy
I bake elaborately
I dress immaculately
I work smarter, harder, with grace
But there are other days still
When I am hungry
No food will slake my thirst
I need to be probed
Have my senses overwhelmed
Feel my skin manipulated
My options severely reduced
So that the only goal is to give and receive
Pure unadulterated pleasure
Those days I become a carnal
Ache bound creature
Visual delights stoke the need
Aural sensations make me blush and my center go mushy
The only thing that will send me back to average girl
Is the feeling of you deep inside of me
My body convulsing around your hardness
Chest/thighs/mouth/hands all in stark contrast to the places I am soft and pliable
Invited fully into the places that just keep grasping for more of you
As wave upon wave pours out of me
Making us both slick and primal and noisy until there is silence
The only question that remains
Who is going to stop my hunger pains


The Other Side of Jealousy or What I Learned in a Rain Storm

Wednesday, September 10, 2014 No comments
Today was one that got completely derailed from jump.  An appointment was later than planned, ran longer than planned, involved more emotions than planned and ended up throwing off the rest of my day.  I canceled meetings, played the dutiful daughter and came home stressed before getting drenched again after taking groceries out of the car for the aforementioned parent.  The many many bags of groceries. 

I was tired and frustrated and soaking wet.  Generally speaking that becomes a play on words because the rain makes me frisky but today it just made me tired as fuck.  I actually took a nap and woke up hazy.  I couldn't hear the rain and I was grateful for a moment of clarity in my brain.  It was short lived as the rain returned and has been mostly constant for the rest of the day.  I have been all over the place emotionally today as a result. 

I am reacting much more intensely than I want to to a variety of stimuli.  Stupid posts on Fetlife make me want to hit people.  Sweet and romantic posts are making me cry.  I'm taking others as admonishments when I'm sure that's not what was intended.  Or if it was it wasn't directed towards me.  At the root of all of it was my feelings of frustration that I couldn't vent.  At least not in the way I wanted or felt as though I needed.  Days like this is when I least enjoy being an unattached submissive.  Days like this I need to be recentered.  I need to be held and stroked and made to serve in a way that feels beneficial and not abused.  Valued and appreciated instead of just expected.  I wouldn't have minded having sex but I would appreciated a stiff drink and a flogging so much more.

Days like today I want my Him to appear more than anything else.  Granted it probably seems like it's more to stave off my own mind funk but that's just part of it.  I miss that connection to one person who sees all of me and desires to protect that and nurture it and help shape my growth.  I miss the feel of masculine fingers touching my back, toying with my neck, playing in my hair, tweaking my nipples and brushing my mouth as they caress a cheek.  Days like this I'm both grateful that others don't have to feel that longing but sadder than I'd like to admit that I am experiencing it.

Jealousy is not even something I register in my brain most days.  I recognize that my life has been a mess and there was no space in there for a partner until late last year.  That doesn't stop me from being wistful when I read the declarations of love and peace that others have found.  I also realize I was probably invoking those emotions in others before now lol.  When I love and am in a committed relationship I do so with no restraints and in any way that I can champion Him and whatever He has brought to my life I will.  It's natural and expected in some circles.  Even when I lose said love I can still immortalize that love and loss quite eloquently.  I use the phrase out of sorts when I feel like this but it's more than that because I want to have more control over who I am and how I feel than that.

Most of the time I can keep that insecurity and desire at bay.  I realize that it takes a while to find the right fit and I am still in pursuit of my match.  No match will be forthcoming until the right time and I am still sorting things out.  Trying to mesh my dichotomies with the right guide will not happen overnight.  Yes I know all these things but today I still wished I could roll over and He be there to tease me about the way I curl up for a nap, the fact that I still sleep with my stuffed elephant or that despite my noticeable frustration with daughter duties the rain had it's normal moisture inducing qualities between my thighs.  In that nice deep voice that reminds me both of warmth and comfort while maintaining a tiny bit of edge that lets me know I can and will be hurt at His leisure.


Life is Pain and love might be too

Thursday, September 04, 2014 No comments

So I love this movie and this scene captures at least part of the title of this post.  Every day we wake there is the distinct possibility that things could go horribly horribly awry.  Be it with work, life, love, the sheer act of existence means there's a risk of shit hitting the proverbial fan.  My love life, both before and after D/s, has never been smooth and I tend to fall for the boys that excite me but ultimately aren't my best options.  Something about them registers in some central fucked up location in my brain and I start to crave them like you would a freshly baked cookie 10 minutes after you decide you are trying to eat better.  Eventually it fades and my senses return to normal but life is a little bit duller each time.

I don't always react well to romantic gestures.  Not because there's anything wrong with them but because it's not my "love language."  I seriously hate that term but in this case it's true.  Big grand sweeping gestures are like libido suppressant for me.  Want to inflame my heart, brain and loins equally? Remember something minor that I mentioned in passing that means the world to me.  Exhibit A: Roaming Solider dug up my favorite old cartoon cause I said I hadn't seen it in forever (I Love to Singa).  Exhibit B: Good Nhyte found the right version of Hallelujah by John Cale from Shrek.  The soundtrack version was horrible.

As my submission has continued to evolve I think I'm even more confusing than I used to be.  There's a fair amount of little girl in me that loves hugs and cuddles and being cared for and supported.  But there's a growing if not equal amount of me that is base, visceral, lust filled slut that craves being debased and broken and humiliated and hurt and used and abused and put away damp.  I used to try stash that side because it confuses men more than I normally do.  I'm too sweet and nice and funny and smart to be left quivering in the center of a destroyed bed.  But that's just it I'm not, at least not some of the time.  I can't fully articulate my dark side all of the time but I know it's been much darker than some of the people I've come into contact with.

That is not to say that I can't be a good little girl.  I have been before and can be again but if I'm honest that other part of me is always lurking there.  It could be the frustration or disappointment I have about a variety of life situations I was never in control of.  It could be my jealousy of women who get to unleash their submission freely with the person that has claimed them daily.  Women who don't juggle 30K things each day with no relief from that stress at the end of the day.  Truth be told I feel hungry for pain most days.  I can handle the other things.  I have to or else my world crumbles but the thought going to sleep with soon to be hidden bruises and soreness makes me smile.  Smile really big if I'm honest.

To use another old favorite tv/movie clip I know I'm still cookie dough and I'm not done baking (See old Buffy episodes, conversation with Angel when he came back for her).  It would be potentially unpleasant to eat me right now.  But as soon as I'm remotely set I'd love to be smacked with a spatula.  Yes my brain has gone all twisted again.  I will leave you with a song from my separated at birth twin from a past life who actually got all the singing talent.