TTF part 4: a red velvet primer

So we have journeyed around a variety of things about me and thankfully no one has asked me anything that I haven't been able to answer.  I'm not sure what this post will turn into but what it was sparked by was the concept of wanting and its juxtaposition against a need.  I want a lot of things, which I will enumerate shortly, but I need very little.  And I can say that because in this context I consider need very literally: I need air, I need food, I need sleep (don't get nearly enough of that), I need money to pay bills.  Needs are necessities to my mind and without them you cannot function.  Now emotionally I am CAPABLE of being so connected to someone that it FEELS as if I won't function without them but rationally I am still breathing so I've continued to prove that idea to be invalid for me. 

Why does that matter?  Well it has come up in my relationships that I don't NEED my partners and for some of them that has made them question our relationship.  It was another one of those ways that I was an atypical girl person and it bit me in the ass.  I didn't need my HS ex after I moved away to college.  He didn't say it outright but the women he sought out while I was gone, we had an open relationship to some degree, were of the needy type.  He could come in and be a hero, savior, fixer, whatever they needed that I decidedly did not need from him.  It was both frustrating and funny at the time.  These were not women he would have sought out had there not been the foil of me in his life.  They were women who he routinely ridiculed, women like them more than the women themselves, because of their failure to be independent.  But because of the lack of that need emanating from me he chased them down all the same.

He wasn't the only man in my life to mention that lack of need which I don't think I really took a hard look at until this weekend.  I lust, I want, I desire but rarely do I need.  Even as sit here now and think about my pursuit of a new D/s relationship I have said that I need the right Dom to guide me.  In practical terms I won't fall apart without that coming into place but I can also say that I want it passionately.  I would greatly like to see what my submission could be molded into with the right person taking the helm.  I want to be able to surrender to my most depraved imaginings and see what comes to pass when and if I make it back out.  I crave it enough that it feels like a need but I am painfully aware that it will take all of my inhibitions being overwhelmed in order for me to to even consider it.

There are a million wants and still not much more than I started with in terms of needs.  As promised here are a list wants but things that aren't quite needs.

1. I would like to be owned again
2. I would like to be used and left a sniveling mess
3. I would like to be more active in the scene
4. I would like to play around in some of my more intense fantasies
5. I would like to vacation more
6. I would like to stamp my passport
7. I would like to have an orgasm at will just because it will help me relax and get on with my day
8. I would like to be the epitome of someone's submissive desires come to life
9. I would like to sit with Prince and talk about anything
10. I would like to eat pasta constantly and still lose weight
11. I would like to make my hair behave
12. I would like to not become horny during a good rain storm, that shit is annoying sometimes
13. I would like to fall in love again
14. I would like to find an equal partner
15. I would like to just find peace

Human Sexuality Map

Found this on fetlife.  I'm sure there is stuff that is missing but I thought it was intriguing.  Green pins mean I tried it and liked it.  Red pins mean I tried it and didn't like it at all and purple pins are for things I still want to try. 

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality! Or get your own here!

Censoring Myself?!?!?

That title will sound crazy.  After I all, I own this domain, have been writing for a VERY long time using it and at the moment am single so why would censorship even be something on my mind at the moment.  Well I'll tell you why lol.  Most of the time that I have had this blog I've been in a relationship with someone.  Very rarely have I been good and single and when I was I was trying to be mindful of not beating up on my former partners.  Now that may not have been accomplished but it was my attempt at the time.

Now that I've been single for a while and am "dating" in the D/s sense then it's been a balancing act for me on what to share about whom and when.  If I spend a long weekend with a potential Dom do I discuss that here or leave those memories for just the two of us?  If I have a particularly flirty conversation with another potential Dom do I enjoy the wet panties or do I gush in the figurative sense about it?  Really it's never been an issue before because there was ONE person interested and I could sort out if it was a good fit or not. 

My time in singlehood has taught me a few things as well.  While I can identify who I am now much better in terms of what I hope to represent as a submissive, I can't say that those disparate parts would fit with any Dom that would be interested in me.  For example, one may respond more to my playful babygirl side while another may be enamored of my wanton slutty side and yet another may be fascinated by the nerdy side that slips into either one of those other two aspects.  And if I am perfectly honest those parts of me respond to each of them differently.  One of them makes me giggle and feels safe and I want to make him happy when we're together and keep him calm when we're not.  Another has the ability to tap into my brain in ways I have fully not understood or experienced.  I have great conversations with all of them but one surprises me repeatedly.  And there's others I just like looking at because visually they give me this completely physical rush that makes me borderline whorish.  I'm glad they don't live near me, any of them honestly, because having those energies fired back up this year has left me out of sorts more than once.  There was a point in time I considered begging them to find a way to meld into one super Dom lol or develop a system by which I could serve them all.  I know that's not really possible even in the most ideal of lives because ultimately I do want to be owned and serve a Dom not six (just to be clear there are not six in play at all, due somewhat to what I mentioned in my last post there is really just one with some floaters who continue to intrigue me).

I still don't have an answer to my own question.  Sharing this tonight is more than I've done in a while with regards to how I see the pursuit back into a long term commitment.  I can envision what I want and I see a lot of it within the people I am interacting with now.  It's not 100 percent in anyone but it never is.  The question that remains is whether what is missing can be learned or can be learned to live without?  That will still take more time to figure out but I hope to continuing to enjoy the process to get back to a stable point.  I am amazed at how much I've learned about myself in the last few months and how much more secure I feel in my submission thanks to the interactions I've had since I came out of my self imposed sabbatical. 

What do you do as you sort out your feelings on issues or people?

I think I might be a Lust Slut

I am an odd girl sometimes.  I have these random moments of clarity that don't have any bearing on me changing things really but it helps me make peace with a new part of my persona.  Today I realized that part of my issue when it comes to settling down is I crave the excitement and intrigue of lusting after someone.  That rush keeps me addicted and interested.  It doesn't mean it will go a single solitary direction other than to bed potentially but the stimulation of my imagination keeps me in random moments of titillation.  My visual cortex gets the fire burning but if there's no brain behind the lust machine then that creates the first chink in my lust armor.  It's not insurmountable but it's definitely an issue.  I'm a very visual human but those humans never turn into more than the aforementioned fuck buddies. 

It would be incredibly interesting if they did but here's the other thing I realized tonight.  The ones I lust for.  That keep me masturbating and daydreaming and periodically wanting to lick my computer screen lol well they aren't consistent.  They ebb and flow and it depends on the day if I'm finding what they deliver as intriguing as the day before.  Don't get me wrong, I can easily be restoked by the right person and before you know it there's a little raging wildfire of lust again waiting to consume me and them.

Me in lust is a dangerous being.  I'm not easily sated or broken.  I need to be fed and I will feast on their desire.  A great big binge of energy.  And when I finally back away I feel full and high and floaty.  And that feeling while great cannot be maintained.  That level of lust would make me incapacitated if I had it constantly.  So those aren't the men, usually men, I end up with long-term.

My long-term relationships had moments of lust and passion but it wasn't an IV drip of high seeping into my body.  Those moments were great but they weren't so intense that I was chasing that emotion all day.  What I needed from them, what they gave me in spades was a constant stable rewarding encompassing feeling.  Lusty men folks give me inconsistent inferno.  My stable men gave me regular heat.  Flambe to sterno, fireworks to a floating candle.  All are bright and shiny but one always gives me more long-term.

Doesn't mean I won't daydream about those lust inducing ones from time to time though lol.  The problem really comes in with what is it I want at any given moment and honestly I would like both ideally.  But then again I'd probably end up unemployed with a sign that says will fuck you into a coma for food.  Hmmm decisions?

My Shakespeare Fails Me

This will probably be a quick post but I had to give you an update about the writing class.  Call me a nerd but anything that I try to do I want to do better if I'm committed to it.  I've expanded my swim wardrobe over the course of eight months of lessons, invested in swim caps and goggles for example.  I bought a thicker yoga pad so my giant ass would be more comfortable on it during class than the ones they were providing.  But while I've been writing, off and on, most of my life I have never done much to improve my creative writing.  I still struggle to write when I'm not inspired to--either due to anger or lust or sadness.  I can give you heat but not always motivation.  I an give you depth of emotion but not always the why would you do that.  I knew that on one level but taking Rachel Kramer Bussel's writing class through Litreactor.com made me more aware of it and how it would really just take a few little tweaks sometimes to give you what is missing.  I was also able to see different people take the same theme in ways that I never would have daydreamed about.  I also as able to reinforce that I really do like a good mind fuck.  If you can get me there the rest of your story is a hot burning good read for me but without it I don't always connect.  I think that's true in real life as well but that's a post for another time  I wrote four new stories while class was going on.  Two ended up being connected and could spawn into something else like the Alphabet Game series.  I STILL need a good editor to help me work on those things and I need folks who can critique and still read things that may scorch your eyebrows. 

#HornyGirlProblems

I'm not sure how long this post will be.  Overall things are good.  I've been pretty even emotionally and physically most of the last few weeks.  Unless tired counts as an emotion and then that is definitely kicking my ass.  I am really enjoying my writing class and how each of us goes about approaching our homework assignments.  One of the stories I wrote last week I really like well both of them but for different reasons.  The one that I enjoyed the most was kinda dark and the sex was a bit on the scorching side.  I had a cacophony of male bodies dancing around my head as I was writing and all I really wanted to do was have an I Dream of Jeannie/Bewitched moment and snap the five of us, yes I said five, some where secluded and let the fantasy become reality.  This happens to me every now and then that I'm tempted to start masturbating furiously while I'm writing.  The story for today or this week did the same thing but I wanted my male lead to fuck me into the wall until I was lodged safely in it, only freed long enough to shower, be fed and fucked again.  I need a vacation damn it.