New Year, New Me? Not exactly...

Wednesday, December 31, 2014 1 comment
I have been putting off writing this post for days.  Not sure why but I have found something else to do each time I sat down and conceived of it.  I got the new comforter washed so I could put it on my bed tomorrow.  I went to the gym a few times.  I cleaned my bedroom, organized things and tossed things away.  Seriously I found a new thing to do each time it was go time for this post--I've been playing much to my shame Kim Kardashian's game, it's actually fun and I'm hot so yeah there's that lol.  I'm normally pretty introspective at the end of the year and lamenting the lack of something while trying to keep positive about things I do have.  I'm not there this year.  Like at all.  So let's figure out where I am shall we?  Turns out I can kick butt if I really want to.  And by that I mean I can work, work out, learn to swim again, finally take control of my diet and my stress eating AND be a submissive woman at the same time. 

Work isn't perfect.  It never will be but it's pretty good.  And all of a sudden I got quite a few folks who went out of their way to tell me they appreciated what I did this fall and in general.  Tiny moments are all you need I swear.  I'm almost ready for when we start back up in the spring but for now work is still something I enjoy and am happy to show up at most of the time.

The working out was hit or miss sometimes this year.  Feast or famine depending on work, family stuff and general laziness.  I worked out almost twice as much as last year but I can do better.  By my pace at the end of the year it's possible, barring injury and other stuff, that I could work out twice as much as I did this year.  It's turning my body back into the one I used to know and not the one that camped out with me as I got progressively rounder.  No one seems to mind the round but me and honestly if I could just suck out some of the middle I'd be okay.  My goal isn't to be rail thin.  For one, I never have been and I think I'd look weird.  Curves are good, I just want mine to be curvy and not wobbly lol.

Swimming is fun and I like it and I haven't drowned so yeah enough said there.  Still working on breathing as I'm swimming but I can hold my breath quite a bit longer than I thought.

And food glorious food.  I love it I really do but I can admit I was eating as entertainment, to deal with mom stuff, deal with work stuff but not to really help me lose weight.  At least not at the same time as I was working out.  Pulling it together all at once has made a difference and that's good but it also reminds me that when I work out I can eat a little worse than I should and not gain weight.  I don't have time to be a lazy bum anymore.  40 is around the corner and my family's health history does not bode well for long-term excess weight being on your body.  Plus I wanna be sexy when I take my next round of pinup photos lol.  Gotta look hot when I toot out the tushie and pose like I'm on the side of a WW2 bomber.

Submission is an interesting thing.  At least for me it can be very interesting.  I can ebb and flow in that state quite a bit more than I want.  While I am NEVER dominant, if I'm not engaged by someone truly at home in their dominance I can slip into a weird stasis point.  I'm not at all submissive, I'm just sort of a slug.  It can take a while to pull me back there and after going into a bit of a numb state after GN and I split I was just in a non reactive point.  This year I met several people who made me slip and slip hard into remembering that I am a submissive woman.  I enjoyed the reminder and now it's time to push to the next stage whatever that is.

2014 was good, 2015 should be better.  There are no resolutions to make.  Just choices to keep making and improving upon.  Heck I might actually use that passport I got last year.  That would be kick ass.  How about you?


The Last Unicorn

Saturday, December 27, 2014 No comments

I remember this movie being horribly depressing as a child.  Not because it had to be but because who wants to the be last of anything.  That would suck.  Turns out (spoiler alert if you haven't seen the movie) there were others or she could make others anyway it turns out all happy in the end.  I thought that was a rip off as a child too though.  I was a weird kid.  Ok I had to check the ending.  Turns out a crazy bull had run all the other unicorns into the ocean and once lead unicorn ran crazy bull into said waters all the others returned.  Still rip off.

Now there are multiple definitions of unicorn within BDSM, one I just learned about a few weeks ago--a single friendly bisexual submissive/switch for a couple to play with at their leisure--and outside of it.  Most of the time I've heard it it is pertaining to some sought after partner that has many desirable attributes but people question said person's existence.  When said person is found they boggle potential partner's minds and thus the unicorn mystique is applied to that individual.  Now when I originally envisioned this post I was pissed.  I was tired of the label if it wasn't really given me what I wanted.  I'm still tired of the label but I'm not pissed now.

I'm not even confused right now.  I haven't committed to anyone because I'm not sure I can.  My track record doesn't bode well for long term commitments.  Something keeps happening that derails them be they family stuff, military deployments or emotional distance.  Yes deep in my submissive spirit I desire to be owned and claimed and serve happily and openly with someone I see on a regular basis.  I got very lucky with Good Nhyte in that he was close enough to make that move without it being a major issue.  I'm not foreseeing that as a possibility right now with anyone in my current orbit.  Plus there's a crazy old woman living here that would make getting spanked choked and fucked well problematic.  I need a much bigger house with better insulation for another live in partner.

I've said before a Dom Collective would be ideal but that's really just me being selfish.  There are things that are good about the folks in my sphere now but of course none of them are perfect, no one is including me, so there are pieces I want that the one has and the other does not.  None of them completely feeds me whatever it is that unicorns love to snack on.  But then again who would know what to feed a mythical creature?  I could be wrong here but I think unicorns may not be a good thing for most people to find.  In my experience, people want to protect me, develop stronger reactions to me faster than I can return, and get inspired to hurt me cause that's what I say I want--it is but sometimes I feel like I'm pushing people into a realm they aren't really naturally inclined to go.  But that second piece is equally important.  I think I'm fundamentally flawed in my ability to love and show affection.  I either love recklessly with my whole heart or I'm distant and detached.  It could be fear, it could be lack of passion, it could be me trying to desperately keep my composure.  Either way I'm never in the same place as my finder is at the beginning or end of a relationship.  There could be a lucky few moments in the middle that we sync up but yeah days like today I'm feeling a little broken in that aspect.

So maybe I am a unicorn but it's a broken one.  Or one that hasn't assembled correctly or is missing some pieces.  Maybe I'm a Toy Story 3 unicorn that got manhandled at the day care center.  I can't say it's unresolved Daddy issues because I loved my dad and he was the first person that told me I could do anything I wanted to do as long as I tried and that I didn't need to depend on the love of my life to rescue me in order to be happy.  I mean that inadvertently could be causing problems now because it takes a lot for me to believe I need someone and even more to actually say as much.  It's not that I don't want someone in my life because I definitely do but I don't know if I can live up to whatever it is they see in me and I'll admit that is a bit scary from time to time.  I want to continue to grow and improve and be as shiny as that term implies.  I just don't know how or if I really can.

So nope I'm not a pissed off unicorn tonight.  Just a little confused.


TTF part 6: a red velvet primer

Sunday, December 21, 2014 No comments
This easily could have just been a poem or stream of consciousness post but it seems to make sense to tie this into the primer series.  This is about cravings.  Specifically my cravings.  I don't crave much truthfully.  A well cooked steak when I'm tired and don't want to cook.  Sugar when I am a bit stressed out.  Peace and quiet when I get home so that I can walk around naked again.  Ahh that would be fantastic but I digress.  It really doesn't take much to keep me happy.  Good conversation, good sex, good sense of humor, good at making me hurt, good at repairing that hurt.  I'm really a basic girl except in one sense.

If you manage to catch my attention then I need you to try to keep it.  I'm mentioned being a lust slut before but I really do crave your want of me.  It feeds a tiny little part of my brain that is all girl.  The part that gets giddy and grins and girlish.  That part wants to hear all the demented little things you want to do to her.  That part wants to hear how much you miss my lips on your neck or lips or thighs or dick.  That part wants to know that thinking about what you could do to makes your dick explode when you're alone.  That part wants a lot but to be clear I need it on one level too.  It keeps my imagination firing and that is always a good thing for you.  I can get bored easily, really too easily upon occasion, and when you feed that craving for me I am ever so obedient and well just a touch on the slutty side.  I can write you inspired smut, go hunting for outfits to match what's in my brain and choreograph naughty strip tease routines to songs only I hear in a sexual way.  I want to be the best little girl I can be for you but that need lingers.  I'm amazed at who I become and what I am capable of doing when I'm sated in that way.  I'd love for you to be sated as a result.  The only question that remains is what can you serve me to make sure that I delight in serving you?


TTF part 5: a red velvet primer

Sunday, December 14, 2014 2 comments
I have been contemplating this post for a few days.  Things have taken a turn this weekend that made it more prevalent to put fingers to keyboard and try to express my thoughts.  I have stated before that I have not done poly prior to now.  I have said repeatedly it's because I have a bit of jealously when it comes to sharing my partner and that may partially be true but there's something else in there too.  Dealing with women on an interpersonal level can be tiring.  Someone on Fetlife shared a post the other day and that helped form my thoughts in one way.  You definitely have to be wanting to be involved with whomever your Dominant brings into your dynamic otherwise eventually your insecurities and frustrations and general ambivalence to her presence will overrule your desire to serve.  Even when I've imagined having more than one Dom I wouldn't have called it poly in the traditional sense (that's an oxymoron of epic proportions I know, traditional poly ha).  You could call one more of a play partner if you wanted but I envision them as independent relationships with different parameters and needs being met.  So admitting that to myself I think it would be even harder for me to do a long term poly relationship.


The Struggle is Ever Present

Saturday, December 13, 2014 No comments
I am struggling to figure out what what I want to be doing and when and where right now.   I am happier than I have been right now in a lot of ways.  Work is good, my long suffering stomach is mellowed the hell out, I have clicked with a trainer, I'm losing weight, I'm in a good place with most of my family (mom is always a work in progress) and there are romantic options available.  Sounds great right?  Well sort of.  I love what I do at work but I was apparently not up for the next round of workplace politics.  The stomach issues have been mildly replaced with lady part issues even though that may be wrapped up now.  Weight loss is great but I've been safe in the larger body so long I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the smaller one and then there's the romance end of things. 

The best options are not close and not even the same kind of person.  I like strong personalities because I need one that can make mine submit.  If it feels like I can overrun you at all then it won't work.  I don't top from the bottom and I like to slip into a submissive head space pretty quickly when we are together.  We can joke and shoot the breeze but when it's go time I don't want to be struggling with how to help you get me to the base of submissive mountain.  So yes strong men are a necessity but I like intelligent men even more.  You can't be all "I am Groot" with me and I submit to you either.  There has to be some good conversation on a variety of things outside of what you would like to do to me in bed.  Give me a book I should check out.  Help me develop a deeper understanding of a subject.  Teach me a foreign language--ok that may be asking a bit much so yeah it would be cool but not a requirement.  There's this other thing I like but if I'm even more honest having it tends to be a double edged sword.  When I have it, there are all these fireworks and machinations happening in my brain that make me tingle when I even think about that person.  But that person tends to know that and they can push any and all buttons at their will.  Being that susceptible to someone's desires is dangerous.  At least for me it can be dangerous.  But that spark when it happens makes me act like an addict and I'm willing to do all manner of stupid things to get another hit.  Thankfully that's not really in play now because if it was this blog may have a new physical location as I was forced to relocate my being to be at the knees of the person who generated that longing.

So I am enjoying multiple phases of my life and that I'm being allowed to slowly explore where I want to be but part of my brain keeps dancing back and forth between single is better because as I've learned more about myself I know the slide isn't too far off for me anymore.  I mean heck Mr. Wolf made me cry, a LOT, and that never ever happens.  Then I go but hey the pain is good and they really want to hurt you.  That makes me think of other things too though.  Why are there options for me to choose from?  There are very rarely options for me to choose from ever.  Maybe I'm all goofy and splintered and thus attractive to folks who have nothing in common but the desire to push my pain tolerance into overdrive.  And then I start yet another conversation.  I could be really happy with anyone on the radar.  There are pros and cons to each avenue I pursued but isn't that normally how it works?  So even when I'm happy and things are clicking I struggle to find my place and what makes sense. 

I will figure it out one day right?


What's up Buttercup?

Saturday, December 06, 2014 No comments
So it's Saturday night and I'm chilling yet again.  Not a poor me post I'm actually glad to be relaxing right now.  I hit four of my five workouts this week, took mom to the doctor and shopping and even when she got annoying I managed to not leave her on the curb anywhere lol.  I have booked two trips for my personal or professional development between now and May and as soon as I can schedule a third one I shall do that as well.  There's another that is more work based but I'll enjoy my time away all the same.  I need to get my mother up and running on some vacations of her own but we'll see how that goes.  All things considered my life is going well.  Thanks to Mr. Wolf I get some play time in much more often than I have in recent years.  He's a treat most days.  Other days I worry about him.  I'm sure he worries about me some days as well though.  I'm writing again and I may have something to share soon.  And someone may need to revive that write the story with me episode.  She's still unconscious if I remember correctly.

Other than that we are in the first wave of it's cold for no damn reason.  At least for the moment it's confined to cold rain and not snow but that will be on tap again soon.  Allegedly it will be as bad as last winter but that would make red very unhappy so let's hope not.  At least this winter I have the fucking machine so I guess it wouldn't be AS bad as last winter when I couldn't get off and was stuck inside.  I'm sorry if you already have snow but please keep it.  This is one time you could be a fantastic friend by not sharing. 

A few more weeks and then I get a legitimate break before another busy semester starts.  Maybe I'll be able to finish my book.  I missed my friend Lestat and haven't had nearly enough time to digest him lately.

What's going on with you kinky people?