When you're ready for it....

Saturday, June 27, 2015 No comments
So this may seem like a random departure from the last few posts and it may be but it's still necessary to share with you. I have been thinking a lot about what is next for my life. I'm embracing a million different things because I want to say I've tried or done them. I'm leaving the country soon--actually twice if I include something for work, I'm learning to play tennis, I went back and took more pinup photos, I've lost fifty pounds, I'm relishing all this lovely gray hair and I'm reading more. And when I do that last one I learn things about myself that I wasn't planning on when I picked up the book.

A little over a year ago, The Dutchman gifted me with a copy of Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan. It was like I had been given a shot of adrenaline as I thumb through the pages. Not because it was sexually arousing, I mean parts were but other parts really made me evaluate my submissive life lol, but because it was like reading my own journal if I was more skilled and able to convey those thoughts to others easily. Sophie was a normal girl who liked her men a little different and her sex with an extra dash of something. I could relate to her because I was her save the British and white thing but seriously she could have been my submissive twin. It made me recenter and stop feeling lesser than because I didn't have a "submissive heart" and for damn sure not a "slave's heart." I have a desire to serve one person that can make me focus if I'm being honest. I very rarely concentrate on one thing at a time because it's not enough to catch my attention and keep it. Right now I'm blogging, just put out the mail, watching tv and chatting online. And this is a bit of a slow time because I'm also not doing work for other areas of my life lol. I need the man that makes me willingly strip all of that away and just focus on Him and us. I say all that to say books when introduced at the right time can be crucial for my development and thought process. I didn't walk away from the lifestyle last year. I doubled down my efforts to enjoy it and I have so much. That's part of what created the bucket list and I am trying to work through it now. Anyhoo, back to the impact of books.

The last time I had to do an airport run I ended up traipsing to the book store to kill some time. I picked up some more travel guides about my upcoming trip and then stumbled into the humor section after perusing the fiction, Sci Fi and loosely connected BDSM section. Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson made me crack up and I figured I needed a good laugh as I have been in a weird place emotionally as of late. So I looked around and most of the books were not ones I'd want on my shelf after I finished reading them so I opted to check them out of the library if I wanted to but leave all but What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding by Kristin Newman and Toddlers are Assholes: it's not your fault by Bunmi Laditan. Now the second one is linked to The Honest Toddler which I love which is why I had to buy it. The first though was like a tiny bit of kismet given my upcoming travel plans and general relationship wanderlust. As I read it was a totally vanilla sense of connecting with my people again, very similar to the experience I had while reading Diary of a Submissive. I can't say I have ever been as anal as she was about the picking apart of what I was doing with who I was doing it with but I know that my patterns have been similar to hers in some areas.

I'm not afraid to get married, even though pushing humans out of my body seems terrifying, but I'm also not in a rush to do so either. And much like Kristin I was looking for that thunderstruck moment because it was going to take that to get my attention but also like her I realize that moment is probably a set up. It makes us stick with the wrong people longer than we should because we are trying to recapture that rush. It makes us ignore other people because they never give us that rush. And it takes us having a really grown up moment until we figure out the right balance of intrigue and emotion and embracing of love in a different package. I don't think I've had my grown up moment yet. I'm hoping that the trip helps me really step into whomever I'm meant to be right now in this moment. I've already been a great tart and a great eager submissive and I am transitioning into a more depraved needing of psychological degradation kind of submissive. My picker is still off though. I need to let go of something but I'm not sure what it is. I hope in a few weeks I'll be clearer in whatever that was so I can dive head first into what the universe has waiting for me. What I haven't been ready to envelop myself in and explore. I'm ready to be ready if that makes sense.

Books, tricky little devils I promise. Just be open and ready to hear the message they are sharing with you.


This Girl is On Tired

Wednesday, June 24, 2015 No comments
Last week I told you I was angry and this week well I'm just tired. I have been busy as usual and between the last post and this one I've hopped four planes and driving four hours on top of my normal working and commuting schedule. And I added in tennis lessons which I've wanted to do forever because I get semi obsessed with the sport for the summer months when most of the majors are played. All in all it's been a hectic six days. It hasn't even been a week yet but provided it doesn't rain I'll get in my fourth lesson for the week and rest on Friday. I'm also going in for a quick wash and set so someone else can nurture my hair and I can sleep good and hard with clean loved on hair.

It's two weeks until my trip though and I'm super excited about that. It will be the first big break of the last full year and it will be somewhere I have to go and enjoy life and liberty and the pursuit of entertainment. As I'm working on getting ready for that and have been reading my book What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding, I have realized that I am one of those people that doesn't really doesn't do what you are supposed to do in the place you are supposed to do it. I'm tired of being that person as well. I want to really experience life on this trip. I want to see the tourist things and the non tourist things. Check out life at a different speed and hopefully have a good time. Well fuck the hopefully. I will have a good time damn it.

And I'm tired of something else if I'm going to be honest. I have really good friends who I don't always reach out to when I should. One of them sent me a box of things she had been collecting for me from events and sent a very sweet note to tell me she was thinking about me. I can fall off the grid when I get busy sometimes which isn't always fair. But there are people that I do reach out to and don't get back the same energy I'm willing to put in. I may pull back but I'm easy to reengage sometimes. Right now though I'm tired of trying to figure out what I need to do with some relationships in my life. I am just tired of not getting it right. So the folks I care about are about to get an overload of red. Everyone else will get super duper entertaining but not effusive red. Folks that I give two fucks about well that's all you're getting so I hope you enjoyed it lol.

On that note I'm going to lay it down soon. Hope you have a great rest of your week and I will definitely be trying to do the same thing. Miss ya love ya and I will be soon singing a love song to my pillow.


i am fucking angry

Thursday, June 18, 2015 No comments
this will be random as hell and not at all coherent so stop reading now if you are looking for something kinky or well thought out.

this week has made my mind snap when it comes to race and racial issues. crazy broad thinks she can be black because she identifies with black people. when that started depends on who she's talking to but she seemed to remember she was white when she sued Howard University for discriminating against her. then came the inevitable defense of her behavior and why can't she be black and look at all she did for black people. well let's just forget about all the fuckery that ensues from her behavior and give her a fucking gold star for giving it the old college try. after all being a black woman is the best thing on the planet so why wouldn't all women want to be black? well clearly some of you do cause you risk getting skin cancer trying to put some color in your skin but none of you really want to be melanin rich because save the glowing skin you don't benefit the way you do when you lose that color and are just an adorable blonde again. as for the rest of it get the fuck out of here with that bull shit as the kids would say.

the dominican republic is about to start forcibly relocating their residents Haitian descent who can't prove they are dominican. they only have two ways to do that and i'm nearly positive they were constructed because most people wouldn't be able to provide that information. under pressure from outside forces they may delay the deportations but they won't stop them. in the interim the Haitians are being randomly murdered and in one case hung in a public square for everyone to see. some of you may be wondering what the hell makes you mad about that i mean that's black on black crime right? well no one should be kicked out of their home they have clearly lived in for generations but this is being done mostly because of skin tone. those closer to my skin tone are being exiled and hunted and blamed for any number of things that they didn't do. much like they do right here in this country of ours. i had no immediate plans to visit the dominican republic but Mr. Wolf really likes it and wanted to go. my brain can't allow that. yes as he said they are being more obvious than they ever will be in the united states about their racial hatred but i can't see spending my funds in yet another country that hates people that look like me when i've having trouble dealing with the shit that exists here at home.

as i was finally letting that go of my anger at blatant racism and putting that broad into the big box of crazy shit i hear that someone walked into a church, a fucking me church, and proceeded to kill nine people. killed them because they were black, killed them without remorse, reloaded and made someone beg for their life then walked away so that she could tell the world why he came. and MOTHERFUCKERS are this morning saying we need to stop making things about race and he's not a terrorist he's just a confused and clearly insane person. QUIT FUCKING INSULTING THE CRAZY FOLKS OUT THERE. they don't go around shooting people because they don't like them. that strictly some shit that it primarily seems young white lonely men do to make a point, to feel powerful, to be recognized but not because any of the people they target legitimately did something to threaten them. and then the gun nuts come out and say wait wait he didn't have any record of mental illness so his guns were purchased legally we couldn't possibly know he might kill someone with the guns. if you're not hunting or in a war zone the average citizen doesn't need a hand gun. most of us wouldn't have a record of mental illness when we purchased a gun but you also won't report when that snap happens so we can come pick those up and make us all a little safer. plus it only takes one bad day for someone to no longer be sane and then we've got a well armed psychotically pissed person on the prowl.

i am tired of trying to reconcile the actual fantastic people i know with the crazy shit that comes out of the mouths of people that look like them after each one of these things happens. defend and dismiss, defend and dismiss, defend and dismiss over and over again. you diminish me and everyone that looks like me when you defend clearly racially motivated moments in this country and call us sensitive for drawing your attention to it. as best as i can tell the vast majority of you only really like us when you're recycling our style from 5 years ago, we're dancing, playing sports, singing or fucking you. those that are in my circle i love like they are my family. they understand or at least they attempt to without making excuses. their children don't understand the diminishing because i've never been anything other than aunt red who happens to be brown. they are my only hope that we can be better but they are so outnumbered it just vexes me.

and it makes me weary to think that this won't be the first or the last incident like this in my lifetime. there will be another and another and another round of dismissal and diminishing. and i will be on the edge of becoming that angry black woman you like so much in Madea movies. i cried this morning and i'm crying now because i don't know what to do with all of this anger. i am disturbed and unnerved and weeping that in the almost 40 years i've been on the planet i still feel like that small little girl in the back on the class hoping for one friend to really get me. i've had them repeatedly and that could be part of the problem. since those are my people i never paid much attention to the others. the others who thought i was there as part of some affirmative action push. who thought i wasn't as good as they were. who weren't attracted to me. i didn't give a rat's ass about them because i had my people. i should have been paying more attention that my people are a small tribe and the others are legion. yes i'm weary but even legions can be destroyed.


TLDR or sorry this is gonna be long

Tuesday, June 16, 2015 No comments
I'm at the end of a random day. I went in to my office for some meetings and ended up there longer than I planned. I came home and did my hair which will get trimmed in the morning and hopefully I can get my nails touched up before my trip on Friday. I upgraded my seats on the way up cause full coach window seat is SUPER not appealing just so we're clear. I'll come home to an empty house and then be on countdown until the major travel plans in July. I'm more excited about that than you can possibly know and not for the reasons that were present when I planned the trip with Mr. Wolf. It was gonna be a week long geek fest with some debauchery tossed in with just a hint of sadistic visitor on tap. The geek fest still may happen. As I'm thinking about things to do I realize how nerdy and shy I really am. I'm pretty sure I could be fucked royally if I was receptive to vacation sex. At the moment, I'm more concerned about not being kidnapped or murdered in my hotel room than I am about having an orgasm with company on a different continent. That's not to say it won't happen but it's not high up on my list of things to do honestly.

I realized something else as I was reading the updates from my friends who went to an event this weekend. Save my one venturing out last year at Black Beat I don't really mix and mingle as much as I used to when I was younger. I know I've mentioned this before but the fearless version of me disappeared into the wilderness a long time ago. I can't say I miss her except in moments like this. She'd be encouraging the young man who was fascinated by her nipples to meet her in the lobby of her hotel after lunch and allow him to give them a twirl. If he was able to moisten her panties she'd give him the blow job to end all blow jobs and make him pant after her when she headed back to her low key life. I started reading a book as I was waiting for the Relay for Life to start and it encouraged just such reckless behavior as just something you should do while you are on vacation in another country because when else would you be able to fuck a local with more than likely no threat of it ever tripping you up at home. I agree in theory but I don't know if the brass balls I used to possess will return when I make my connection in Atlanta or not lol. We shall see.

That would be great for vacation but honestly that voice in me is stifled a lot. Not out of fear of being lonely but because it got me in trouble more often than not. I have been known to decimate a room if I'm in a mood. I can create an erection with a few words just as easily as I can deflate it with one look. And thanks to my exes and their oral machinations which I must have picked up through osmosis I have made every woman I've ever fucked just slightly stupid. But yeah I don't approach them any faster than I approach men. It's not fear or even lack of interest totally. I think it has mostly to do with the lack of immediacy. It's easy to be reckless when what you want is readily available and I can be sated or denied quickly. That slow build that distance provides will make me burn longer but you have to work to maintain that and I have yet to not be disappointed by folks not reading me well enough to stoke the flame at just the right moments. Constant flames just burn up all the air around me so that's not good either. For some reason my Uncle's words when he was barbecuing just popped into my head, "low and slow makes everything tender and juicy." Those words taken totally out of context are probably pretty spot on.

I enjoy a good hard fuck just as much as the next girl. I like to be sore and twisted up and gasping for air and water and a break. I love to be fucked slowly, deeply, to have my body contort around yours because I'm trying to pull you deeper inside of me as you whisper all manner of demented, depraved and disturbing things in my ear. I greatly miss being on top of you rocking my hips slowly with closed eyes and stunned by the intrusion of your fingers toying with my clit. That's literally like one of the best things EVER. Ahh talented exes again. Anyway where was I oh yeah. A good hard fuck gets the job done but a slow, luxurious, mind altering fuck keeps me enraptured with you. Low and slow baby low and slow. But the physicality only works if you are nearby or we can make you nearby often. After that you have to take up residence in my brain if you want to have any shot of making me burn.

Alas, that's the most difficult part of the quieter version of me. When I'm not as boisterous or flirtatious or just exposed it's much harder to figure out what you need to do in order to overwhelm me in that way. In my adult life I can say that five men have managed to accomplish that feat. Like one every five years or so but really there was a huge gap between the second and third and not as much between third and fourth. The fifth well he fell victim to the stoked too high and sputtering out thing. Weird thing about brain residence though. The right approach later on may regain you even momentary entrance into the inner sanctum. No one has been able to stay permanently clearly. The other issue with brain residence as well is I can't tell you how to get there. No one has taken the same path to get there. But they all noticed the right thing about me at the time and used it to out think, out maneuver, outrun whatever my hesitations or limitations or reservations may have been. And instead of being upset or angry about being manipulated, which I could completely feel happening, I lapped it up like a hungry puppy. Had they been serving lust in a doggie dish I would have been on hands and knees gorging myself and moaning into the air each time they fucked me like I was a bitch in heat. I can drag an analogy to death can't I? Moving on.

I can't really afford to be reckless these days. Well at least not reckless all the time the way I could sometimes be in the past. But I would like to be slightly less reserved and responsible. I would like to be inspired to pick up and just let loose in a strange place with strange people who are still my people. I rarely see the men that make me reckless anymore. There's one just bless him and whatever cosmic forces made his birth possible cause fuck his skin makes me weak. He's gorgeous and relentless flirt with everyone so of course I take none of it seriously but really his skin makes me stupid. Now that I think about it the reckless ones all had pretty skin, nice tattoos and would make me convulse I came so many times. They were talkers, experts with double entendre and above all never seemed pressed for my attention. That is not to say they were not pressed for that attention. Raw lust is hard to disguise, the lengths with which they would go to the inside of me were more than telling (like the one that got the speeding ticket coming home because I told him I would be leaving shortly, that was a lovely ego boost I'll admit it lol), and the fact that most of them have shown me that these many moons later I just have to arrive in town and orgasms and good conversations will be on tap. That's the level of reckless I allow myself to have now. It's good when I get it but it's not tinged with the edge that I need. That edge is darker than I thought it was when I was being reckless. When I was fucking a dude who was at least a foot taller than me whose dick felt like a 10 inch long Coke can when it dug into me. Felt fucking amazing and is probably one of the only times I can say I legitimately ran away from dick in bed to no avail lol. I'd have to fuck him in sets of two otherwise my organs would be in the wrong fucking locations when I went home. It was also one of the first few times I had a clear understanding that pain could feel good when I was already feeling good. Add into that my ass became target practice when were in doggie style and the line got good and blurred and I loved it. I think I've mentioned that before but I kept up with that kind of reckless, threesomes and foursomes and moresomes because it was the closest I could get to this thing I need now with the people who weren't quite my people. I have yet to put him back on the ex hit parade. Giving him more permission to hurt me may end up with a bitch being paralyzed and that is not the business.

I still have images of my former brain residents more inviting fantasies and displays of aggression and raw sexuality. They can feed my orgasms when I allow them. It's great when I do, the mixture of voices and depravity. Of lust and cum faces. Of fantasies and humiliation. All so good in their own way. All so disappointing in the light of day. They make me miss that other me that just wants to be free and fuck and be a fantasy fulfillment center the way I used to be. That I still might be with the right person pulling the strings. I don't know where to find her though. I'm not sure if it's safe to bring her out to play anymore even if I could locate her free spirited fuckery. Heck if I'm honest I'd be lightweight overjoyed with just the ability to engage in witty banter free and easy like I used to be. If I'm not that girl anymore and this girl isn't quite where I want to be I need to start thinking about who I want to be become. That may be my next mission. Who knows? I'm thinking too much but I tend to do that sometimes. Oh well, I told you this would be long. If you made it all the way down here and have a question please let me know. I keep thinking I'll offer up an Ask me anything moment but most of you wouldn't have much to ask and that would probably just make me sad lol.


The Smell of Fresh Baked Cookies

Sunday, June 14, 2015 No comments
This post may be a rambling mess so I apologize. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when she tells Angel she's not done baking yet. I used that analogy when talking to Mr. Wolf tonight and I'm glad I did. You my brain can be uber literal and only be holding on to one definition of things. Everyone gets unbaked cookies. Can't be super unbaked cause that will make you sick. For me you can't be overdone cause no one likes crunchy cookies. Well I don't anyway. The perfectly baked cookie makes my mouth water and makes my nose happy. We all bake at different speeds and I'm willing for my favorite cookies to firm up.

Beyond that though there is something to be said for one thing Mr. Wolf does that I don't always, if ever, adhere to which is being blatantly balls out honest and direct. As I have mentioned before I'm great with being direct when I don't want much from you other than a good fuck. The relationship stuff I try to navigate the honesty with the desire to not dive bomb people emotionally. I can be beyond blunt when I have hit the "don't give a fuck" zone. I try not to get there anymore before I cut things off. When I do you'll know but my disinterest can't be masked. I will still help you out and we can still talk but truly don't give a rats ass about seeing you or being gentle with your emotions. My anger and irritation still means I care. My disinterest just means pack up your shit and head on out.

Always trust my desire as it's the most palpable indication of whether I give a fuck. It's that smell of sugar and butter when you walk into the bakery. Ever present when I want you. Absent when I've decided to give you up for Lent. It may possibly return if you're a great baker but if not head down the block. I'm sure someone down that way is ok with overdone cookies and will devour you.


Just use your fingers

Wednesday, June 03, 2015 1 comment
Whenever you are in doubt
As to what I want and what I need
Default to one standard mode of operation
And you will likely bring me to my knees
Just use your fingers
To be precise the tips of your fingers
With the curly cues and firm pads
You really just need that one part of your hand
Fingertips on my lips
Will most definitely elicit a deep sigh
A tingle moves through them
It's electric and addictive
When it's absent it is sorely missed
I will follow those fingers
In search of your skin
The lighter you press
The more out of touch with everything else I will become
As I start to ride the high
Of your fingertips
As they make contact with my body
Pulling me deeper into you
As they play freely on willing flesh
Massaging my cheek
Full palm cupping my face
As I melt to you
Playing in my hair
Undoing what was carefully done
Dancing on my scalp
As I purr in my secret place
Knowing I'm on the verge of sleep
Or in need of your body pressed deep into mine
Makes me want to dance in your lap
Just with those pointed digits
You can make me squirm and mewl
As my body begins to shudder
Heat rushes in to the places you just left
While your fingers trace barely there lines
Down my spine
From the base of my neck through the curve of my back
I arch to increase the contact
My skin begins to tingle in reaction to the change in pressure
And anticipation of more exploration
But I really don't need anything
More than your fingertips
On my lips
Pressing them apart
Reclaiming each piece of me
As you map out what entertains you most
And I will gladly withstand anything you plan
I will be eager and grateful
Unhinged and utterly at your whim
Please don't forget those fingertips

© red velvet 06/03/2015