Been a long time, shouldn't have left you

Sunday, November 20, 2016 No comments
......without a dope beat to step to, step to.

Sorry I couldn't help myself there.  According to the date on the last post it's been just over two months since I posted last.  I could post a lot of excuses but when it comes down it really I just got super busy.  So in the gap I've done a lot of things with work and looking at new opportunities.  I've taken a quick vacation that was beyond necessary.  I had a lot of sex and a little play and both again were necessary.  But mostly I've been thinking which is not always a good thing.  In this case I'd call it neutral.  I thought about quitting my job.  I've thought about looking for a job outside the country.  I've thought about abandoning all trappings of adulthood.  And at one point I thought about cutting off all relationships with everyone because I was just tired.

Tired of what you may ask and I will be happy to tell you.  As my partners can attest, I'm not always good at asking for help.  Not because I don't need it but because I hate it when folks don't pull their weight.  Plus, if I know you are busy with other things I am not going to toss my request out there as well.  So yeah it's easier to just say fuck it than ask for help right?  Well not really but that's where my brain goes when I get fed up.  My partners have had a host of things on their plates so I was off being quiet.  The last few weeks reminded me not to do that.  Each of them reached out of me in a different but needed way.  It doesn't fix some of the mess but they care and that's good to know.

I can be tired but I have people to lean on if I just let myself fall.


My brain had a restart

Tuesday, September 13, 2016 No comments
I am a strange young woman sometimes I swear.  I have been wondering a lot over the last few months about what it is I really want and who I want it from.  The problem is I think in circles.  My brain can be a landmine of information some days.  I can be emotional and irrational as a result.  That makes me shut down and isolate until I come up with a solution that makes sense to me again.  It took me longer than I wanted it to admit that I was in love with two different men.  It felt like I had failed at the one task we had as adults in relationships.  Clearly I violated a rule somewhere.  I didn't.  I just embraced a different lifestyle once I could fully accept what was happening.

I just started reading a new book, Mating in Captivity by Esther Parel.  I heard her speak at a conference and while the message was clear it didn't resonate again until I got back home and picked up the book.  I literally only made it a few pages in before my brain had another epiphany that I have been rehashing since then.  I have been both exploring polyamory and unconsciously asking each of them to somehow pull me out of it.  I've been asking Mr. Wolf to become more like the Dutchman and vice versa.  I've been struggling with having more than one partner internally more than I apparently was aware of.  The problem with that struggle is I'm demanding, although not directly, that they change who they are and what they represent in my life.  Because we all like it when our partners fall in love with us and then ask us to be someone totally different than who they fell in love with right?  They both add so much value to my world as they are so making them change is asinine.  Mr. Wolf is my sadistic teddy bear and I adore Him for it.  Asking Him to unleash Jedi mind tricks on me is stupid.  I still have to keep him away from the Death Star though.  Believe me it's in your best interests.  The Dutchman is my effortless Svengali and He makes my brain inflame when He wants to do so.  Asking Him to develop super teddy bear qualities would diminish the easy manipulation and supplication we go through.  To be clear, they each have parts of that persona that the other possesses.  That's just not the dominant, ha pun intended, narrative for either of them when it comes to me.

Let me apologize to both for my radio silence over the last few weeks.  I've been stressed and sorting all of this out in my brain.  I'll make it up to each of You soon.


Remember Everyone

Sunday, August 21, 2016 No comments
Not sure if any of you are actually still paying attention beyond the folks that like to tie up and beat me.  Hello Sadists, love ya.  And I am definitely not sure if the people that this message needs to reach will ever see it but they are the last ones on the list and as of right now I have literally no way to reach out to them.  So this summer has been hectic but I managed to grab a few moments here and there to read a book.   And that book made me come up with the title of this post and the point of this book: to remember the loves lost, good and bad.

The book in question that had most lasting impact was called I Almost Forgot About You by Terry McMillan.  Now I've had a tortured relationship with Terry.  When she's on her books are wonderful.  When she's not then the books can be painful.  I'll admit to not reading her books much in the last few years but this seemed like it'd be worth the risk.  So I checked it out of the library and got about 80 pages in before I had to return it--busy summer remember.  I checked it out again on my kindle and finished it up in a blur.  And then I got to writing.  Nothing new of my own but letters to old lovers.  I became Terry's lead in real life and the plan was simple.  Only write from the heart.  Let the bitter stuff go and it may do absolutely nothing but lift the negative energy off of me that may linger.  So I did it.


Dear ________ Men

Saturday, August 13, 2016 1 comment

After hearing from a friend this morning I was saddened but not shocked. Another round of the inability to hear one another had started and because I refuse to engage with people who can't listen to a dissenting view I thought about what I wanted to say in this post. The problem though is when I envisioned this it was to a specific group of men and that's discounting a whole lot that needs to be said to all of mankind. If I offend you I apologize in advance but the truth of the matter is we're stuck in a loop that is tragic. I will try to address my points to each group and then as they overlap come back to whatever I think is missing.

Dear Black Men: I love you I do. Your skin, your spirit, your walk, your voice, your intelligence, your beauty and your energy just make me smile. I feel a loyalty and kinship with you that I have yet to find in any other men, admittedly I haven't looked very hard but still, and that breeds a peace and safety when we are on the same page. The problem is recently we're not even in the same book let alone on the same page. When I or anyone else challenge you on something it cannot be met with a defensive position. To paraphrase Steven Covey: please listen to me with the intention to understand what I am saying not respond. What you hear as accusations I am delivering as pleas. To see me, hear me, support me, defend me and protect me in the same ways I have always done for you. Ok maybe not always but most of the time. I'm not convicting you and I'm not always saying you did something intentionally but if I'm opening up to you about something then try not to be ready to fix it, assuage your guilt, defend your position or prove I am wrong because you are the exception to the rule. Much like we discuss with people outside of our racial group not wanting to listen to us about the truth of our reality you cannot tell me my experience as a woman is because of bad decisions, my own flaws, poor planning and the same series of crap that is hurled at all of us. But if you can't come from that place with me or for me do it for the women you are raising. Your daughters, your nieces, your little cousins goddaughters, and the like. My father was and has always been one of my heroes. The only time I felt he let me all the way down was when I figured out why my parents split up. The man who always encouraged me to be strong and independent and not take crap from any man if it meant devaluing myself or my worth was a serial cheater. You may not see the connection there so let me make it for you. How can you tell me how a man is supposed to treat a woman, how can you model who I am supposed to be looking for, if you can't respect the woman you chose to create me with? Honestly that last bit could apply to any man but I'm directing it to you because you are the men I see myself reflected in and whom your daughters don't need anymore negative information about because they already hear it from a myriad of sources. Be her superhero and don't let her see under your cape.

Dear White Men: I have paid little to know attention to you outside of my friendship circles. I have been unwilling to see you has romantic partners because while you may get me and adore me and think I hung the moon on one level you don't get "it." And that's not your fault. You have no reason to know what it feels like to be routinely harassed, demeaned, denigrated, or made into someone's fetish. That's not to say there are not some of you out there that desperately do get it and could be my allies as I fight the good fight. The problem is you don't come with tags that say yes or no. And I'm unwilling to let you into my private space, to find room for you in my heart, only to be crushed later when something latent and painful slips out in an argument, in bed, on a long drive. I'm too tired to educate you on what is and isn't appropriate for you to say or do. Most importantly though the ones I'm legitimately attracted to seem to have similar qualities that may make it worth the risk but without those tags my brain says stand down. To be clear though some of y'all are pretty as hell and if we could work on that tag system you'd probably be delightful in a variety of ways. I'm not sure I could submit without fear to you and that's the other limitation to engaging with you. One stray n word or whisper about a slave fantasy and your dick might come up missing. Random aside--seriously I hate the word cock and I have yet to see more than a few of you work with dick. It's petty I know but I promise I get drier than the Sahara when I hear cock directed at me.

To the rest of you: It's my struggle that I don't have personal messages to you yet. My mind has been split with sorting through the other groups but some of what applies to them likely applies to you as well. All I can encourage you to do is find your superhero status in the life of the women you love, adore, appreciate, lightweight want to fuck and especially in those that get on your nerves. They need you more than the others might because they need to be repaired from the series of hurt that have come their way. Being anyone's good guy can help all of you out in the end.


Vacations & Consent Violations

Monday, July 25, 2016 No comments
Okay folks this vacation is quickly coming to an end and I have to say my bad as it does so.  I flirt a fair amount with people I used to see naked.  Witty banter gets me all hot and bothered if you're good at it.  And really to get me naked you have to be fairly good at it because I get bored easily.  I'm sure you're wondering what that has to do with my vacation but just hold on I promise I'll get to it.  This is my first actual vacation of the year and it was beyond needed.  I had a relatively uneventful flight, took longer than necessary to get to the hotel, and then got to my room after getting some booze and finding out the tv was just dead. Not starting off well, front desk clerk was useless until the shift change and then shortly after midnight all was right with the world again.  And then I did something that never ever crossed my mind and violated a friend's consent.

Spending time with one of my partners meant for healthy doses of good orgasms and deep sleep that those create.  However, there's a witty banterer in town that I used to enjoy playing with on a routine basis.  We have managed to miss each other the last few times I have been in town but seemed like things would line up for a visit this trip.  And it did but I apparently failed in my communication skills this time.  He knew I was in town to see someone and that was someone I was dating but in his non kink mind it didn't register for him, and I apparently didn't specify, that my date would likely be with me when he arrived and well he was.  We haven't left the room much since arriving cause yeah sexy time and bed for spankings is all the rage these days.  It also didn't occur to me to tell him because I thought it was clear that I wasn't solo.  Even though we still managed to have some private naked shenanigans I wasn't chalking up his level of discomfort in a situation that to me didn't warrant it. But yeah I totally violated his consent there because I totally wanted to mount him--with permission of course.

And it really didn't register for me until he pointed it out earlier this morning and after taking a long soak at the pool it occurred to me that I would never do that with someone with a kink event or venue or relationship so I shouldn't have done that in this situation.  Vanilla sex activities should still be with full warning and acknowledgement of what someone is walking into just like they would if I was taking them to a dungeon.  So I called him later and apologized.  It was the only polite thing to do especially since we've been friends for damn ever on top of periodically unclothing one another.  So yeah I suck bad me but I did apologize and hope that he can forgive my faux pas.  He's said we're all good and I will take it as that for the moment.  One the upside we were able to check off another one of the we've never done this before things which is kinda amazing for someone I've seen naked off and on since 1994.  Back to vacation now.


Deep Thoughts not by Jack Handey

Sunday, June 26, 2016 No comments


You have to be a certain age to even have a clue what I'm talking about and/or to have an unhealthy obsession with older episodes of Saturday Night Live.  Regardless this won't be Jack Handey delivering any wisdom.  Actually I'm not sure there will be any wisdom coming forth in this posting today.  I've been silent for a while but not for any pressing reason.  I've been tired, I've been busy and I've been overthinking life in the way one only can when there's nothing super stressful going on on the calendar.  To be clear there's lot to be done.  My major work assignments wrap up this week but I still need to address about four other things before the fall work assignments gear back up.

I have no vacations planned for the summer but hey in light of that whole Brexit vote it might be a good time to head to the UK before their economy fully rebounds.  This time last summer I was gearing up anxiously to get on a plane in a few weeks to head to Amsterdam.  My plan was to repeat that but I seriously didn't want to spend that much for a ticket again so I'm holding off on that return flight until March when I got a fantastic deal.  But that means I need a break and I need it soon before I convince my mother to move out (sad face) and try to live with my brother which would lead to his untimely divorce (that's a legit sad face).  It's not even that I need to have sex or anything which is dramatic for me to even think let alone say.  I just need to disappear into my own space for a while.  Where there is nothing at all expected of me or for me except what I opt to do that day.

I want to go somewhere and explore again.  I want to go somewhere and have to adjust my expectations.  I want to go somewhere and just eat pizza and desserts and laugh at or with the rest of the tourists.  Part of me wants to do that with a tour group because doing it alone can be scary but the other part of me wants to just say fuck it and let's see where I can afford to go and just vanish for a while.  I probably won't because as I think I mentioned I overthink things and what I want to do versus what I should do and the should side of me normally wins.  But if you see a lovely photo from Cozumel applaud me okay.

I'm also trying to handle my emotions which are all over the place damn it.  I'm either sobbing, trying to be stoic, happy as hell or pissed.  Usually there's a trigger for all of them and most of it is tied to being stressed and tired but I am also missing time with my partners which always regulates me a bit.  I mentioned in a previous post that when I am well connected to both my life is a beautiful happy place and when I'm not well it's like now and I seriously turn myself inside out debating the whole is this the right thing for me and when did I decide that I could really submit and why is it so hard for me to keep myself together.  Yeah I said I think too much.

And I want to revamp this blog but I'm not sure what to do with it and if I want to keep it on my current host or move it elsewhere.  So much random thinking so little coming from it.  On the upside my Mandarin Chinese Rosetta Stone should be here at the same time that everything for this immediate chunk of stuff is done and I have nothing to do but work on me and my lack of being multilingual.


The Moment When the Well Runs Dry

Saturday, May 14, 2016 No comments
I'm sure an old person, or a criminal, at one point delivered the following wise words: don't piss off people who know where the bodies are buried because they lent you the shovel.  I am typically a low key person no matter what people do, say or infer about me.  It's just my style to make a public scene which has worked out well for any number of my ex partners who never had to worry about me showing up to a wedding ceremony to inform the bride to be that I helped him get dressed that morning or call a wife's job to let her know her husband offered to fly me out post vasectomy to help him drain off all those nuts to make sure his little swimmers were done and dusted over the course of a weekend.  After all he was sure it would take at least a month with her and he didn't want any oops babies.  I'd be providing a much needed service.  Yeah miss me with that bullshit. My point is I don't typically call people out on their bullshit because really what's the point.  They won't change. People who don't know the whole story will take sides and still another group see me showing my proverbial ass and that's just not how I get down.  So quite a few people have benefited from my desire to keep my business to myself.

The thing is I'm kind of fucking tired of that.  Because the biggest offenders aren't people that I have fucked so well they basically put a fatwa out on anyone that would try to see me after they had departed the area.  The biggest offenders, if not the most frequent, are my female friends.  That should be former friends.  My actual female crew, folks that have seen me ugly cry, ventured with me through the ringer and back with some of the aforementioned dudes, who have seen me through graduations, the loss of my father, near loss of my mother, well those folks can and always well get the benefit of my shovel services.  But there have been a few folks that I have let continue to overstep and without fail they end up doing the same shit in different ways.

There's a random moment of disconnect, nothing that would immediately fracture the friendship but something only one of us would continue to focus on.  Regardless of what transpires over the ensuing months and in some cases years that disconnect ends up causing a rift that won't be gotten over cause yeah when only one of you knows there's an issue the other one can't fix it.  Now as friendships sometimes naturally do you start exploring things with people who have more in common with your immediate life.  I have never taken that personally cause shit things happen.  What I do start to take personally and then pull back from on my own is intense needs for attention that aren't reciprocated.  I start to feel some kind of way about a sudden neediness to be viewed in a positive light.  But the shit that does it for me and makes me go fuck this like for real for real is an inability for the "offended" party to see how we got to wherever we are.  It's some new fangled victimization shit that I find both fascinating and slightly diagnosable.  Especially when those folks are suddenly knee deep in relationships with people they used to speak about in less than flattering tones.  But as the old adage goes if they're willing to bad mouth someone with you just wonder what they are saying about you behind your back.

I will be returning to my normal programming as soon as I hit send.  If you think this is about someone you know, maybe, but you won't hear it from me because again that's not entirely how I get down.  Truth be told it's about no one in particular but has been festering for a while because I have this ridiculously stupid tendency to hold my tongue much longer than I need to in order to spare folks feelings.  I might be giving up on that mission now too.  My brain is channeling 2Pac right now: I ain't a killa but don't push me, revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy.  Maybe I need a station break with Prince.


Being More Transparent: Ask Me Anything Thanks to Mr. Nelson

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 5 comments

I've been in a weird head space since Prince died. It's been a mixture of deep sadness, joy that felt inappropriate, and something approaching wistful for all the things that were not going to happen in the future--like molesting someone after a Prince concert. Several of my exes said I might kill someone in bed one day because of my sexual appetite. I generally ignored them whenever they said that but after a Prince show they might have been correct. The energy, the music, just the feeling of lightness would have warranted the potential manslaughter charges. I digress.

As I was listening to the marathon of music that Prince released I realized how many times he was just unequivocally himself and how many times during the music he encouraged others to do the same thing. I have described my life as being more splintered than I would like it to be and that's partially because I've been worried about how people would perceive me if they knew everything about me. That could bring up a metaphysical question about who knows everything about you in the long run but when it comes down to it I don't have to be as sheltered as I have been. In the end though I realize that I'm a ridiculously private person that people may have some legitimate questions for as well as it's just time to be more honest with myself about what I really want in this life and pursuing it more readily. I'm doing that more professionally. I need to figure out how to do it more in the personal realm. This is an admittedly small start but if you are wondering something about me feel free to ask. I will do my best to answer your questions within reason.


My record skipped, Prince Died

Sunday, April 24, 2016 No comments
I'm sure all of you have heard now that Prince died.  I'm sure that for those of you that it matters, you know what you were doing, where you were, who you were with and how you felt.  I was at my job and a string of concerned texts, emails and calls started streaming in because if you know me you Prince was my religion.  Not in the sense that I worshiped him.  I have a relationship with God even if I stay making mistakes but on this earthly plane Prince was who I wanted to be when I grew up.  While I seriously hate the term unapologetically Black as it implies the vast majority of Black people do apologize for our skin tone, Prince was all out of fucks to give if you didn't want to appreciate his Blackness.  I kinda idolized him for that fact alone.  A lighter hued Black man rocking heels and an assortment of seriously Black hair styles for four decades was something kind of stellar.

But that wasn't it.  He just was.  If he was uncomfortable in his skin it never shown long.  He evolved and we journeyed with him from Bambi to Ain't About 2 Stop.  I'll admit to not always appreciating a release in the moment cause he was several light years away from where I was but I swear when you met him where he was something magical happened.  I'm not going to repeat my concert stalking story here.  I won't wax poetically about how nothing on this earth could ever compare to being at a Prince concert with all the other folks who for a few hours could figure the mundane nature of our lives and bask in the once in a lifetime experience that it was to be with Prince Rogers Nelson while he was doing what he loved.  All I can say right now is that for three days I've felt a mixture of sadness, hope, happiness that I can legitimately speak to my love of him with people that will understand and a strong desire to not break down and start crying because once I started  I wasn't sure when and if it would stop.

I've been listening to my ridiculously large Prince collection since I heard, in the car, the gym, my office.  I've been grateful that SiriusXM just shut down a station this weekend and it's been blasting Prince nonstop.  It's healing and painful at the same time.  There will never be another Prince.  Which in a way is fitting because I am not sure if the world is ready for that but on the other hand generations of humans will never get to see him smirk as he swings his hips in a way no man should be able to pull off while still maintaining massive swag and sex appeal.  They will never get to experience his sense of humor and stupid deep voice before it moved into that haunting falsetto.  For them he will just become one of the inspirations of their favorite processed pop artists and they will never be able to fully understand what he did and what he meant to those that loved him.  Even those that just loved him for a time period--the Purple Rain crew, those who thought that Under the Cherry Moon was camp personified, those who only knew he because he dueted with she who will never be named or guest starred on New Girl.  They will know him through stories that their current crushes share but most will never feel the crush that has been sitting on my chest for the last 72 hours.

Most of the time in situations like this I need to be hurt.  The pain pushes me through the grief.  It makes me process that life is fleeting and that unfortunately this is just part of the status quo.  But just like when my father died I'm swinging back and forth between ridiculously grateful to have had that person in my life to borderline miserable and I really just want to sleep but life won't let me do that right now.  I keep choking back tears and wondering what the hell happened that no one could have prevented this but one.  And then just like my dad I realized there's nothing you can do when your time is up.  My dad would have been 70 this year, Prince would have been 58.  I am going to try wake up every morning until their birthdays (both the first week of June) and just try to be grateful that they were able to be the kind of men I admired and that impacted their worlds in the best way they know how.  I have things planned outside of that which will require me to adult during that time no matter how much I don't want to do it.  I'm going to rub my tattoo and keep listening to my music.


A Moment of Self-Reflection...

Wednesday, April 13, 2016 6 comments
Or how I became one of those people that I just didn't understand.  If you visit my page on Fetlife you would notice some changes there.  After a number of years of being single and just having my D/s role listed I added "in a relationship" a few months back.  That was true then as it is true now.  But as I have been doing in other parts of my life in different phases I wasn't sharing the whole truth because I really don't like having a million eyes focused on me.  Not that enough people read my page here or profile there for it to matter but for those that do I wasn't really up for questions I hadn't really developed the answers for yet myself.  And maybe even more so I wasn't sure how the folks most directly impacted by those changes would feel.  I have mentioned Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman here before.  I have debated for the last year what I'm doing with either one of them and if it was fair of me to be engaged with both of them at the same time.  And there were moments when I was so distressed that they were polar opposites because if they were similar or I could merge them then I could adhere to my devotional pattern of one man trying to be all things to me.  It helped when there were moments of disconnect with each of them because it allegedly told me that see the two partners thing doesn't work for you.  Focus damn it focus.

The problem with that is that I was still not invested in my full truth.  Fact of the matter is I submit to them both in different ways and I love it.  I love both of them for not stopping my exploration of whatever it is I'm feeling for the other.  That may not be permanent but in this moment and place I fully understand those people that used to confuse the piss out of me.  Polyamory isn't new but I legitimately couldn't grasp loving more than one person and it not diminishing both relationships.  It felt like it was meaning to be more of an agreed upon path to engage in extraneous relationships with limited blow back than a true orientation that someone could adhere to.  It didn't help that from my side of the slash there were not a plethora of examples of women with two Dominant partners and whenever it came up it was borderline ridiculed.  I mean if a Dominant has multiple interests and needs more than one submissive to fully explore them why wouldn't the same be true for a submissive?  It's great if one person can fulfill that need but due to a variety of factors that may not be the case.

I can say it shocked the hell out of me but when I'm well connected and in tune with both I am more loving and appreciative of them both.  They have similar ideas about domination and thus my submission.  However, they approach it from a totally different, like coming from opposite sides of the globe different, perspective.  One or the other could have spurred growth and another evolution in me I'm sure but the two together have opened my eyes to new possibilities and my ability to endure pain and degradation to previously unconsidered places that I greatly enjoy.  My descriptions of the relationships may use the same words, love/care/lust/what have you, but the manifestations of that are different.  Mr. Wolf is a nurturing type by default and it took a while to get the sadistic teddy bear to come out to play but he's fun when he comes to visit lol.  The Dutchman should work in black ops or advertising.  His skills at pushing my boundaries and overtaking my brain and leaving little bombs to explode are just excellent.  And while I'm not sure that my brain could fully handle all three of us in the same space on a regular basis the ability for my brain to shatter and be repaired might make me a superhero in the future.  Regardless, I adore them both and I am kinda stupid happy that neither one balked at my new perspective on life and love.

At the end of the day I feel like I'm in a really good place and that energy is benefiting everyone right now.  Especially first thing in the morning lol.  I'm happily climbing out of bed and sharing myself with the world in general but with them in particular.  This experiment may fail.  It may just turn out to be me being greedy and selfish and stupid but I really hope that isn't the case.  Life has been so much better over the last few weeks than when it was while I was struggling to get to this place.  So yeah I'm one of those people now: poly is my current reality.



we know what your skin needs

Friday, March 04, 2016 No comments
I was reading my email the other day and as is often the case I get a fair amount of promotional emails from companies I've done any business with ever.  One such email came with the following subject header: we know what your skin needs.  I briefly made sure I hadn't somehow received a smutty email on my very decidedly not smutty email account and after I was certain I was in the clear I just smirked.  There are days I definitely don't know what I need but the massage spot knows precisely what my skin needs.  It's a clever line, ensure to elicit at least a bit of moderate interest from their massive distribution list but after the letdown of not magically having a psychic email fall into my lap I will admit to being a little cranky.

But not with the massage spot.  I mean they are just selling me a product if I'm happy enough to partake.  I was angry almost because what I need isn't simple.  What I crave is complicated.  And unfortunately for me I have moments when I start to believe what a friend told me in college might be correct--no man that ever really loved me would really want to hurt me on the level I desired and conversely that no man that could fully break me could ever really love the mess he had created.  I am a uniquely odd individual even to the people in my life that love and adore me.  I tend to eschew traditional gender roles and have never been one to bask shyly waiting to be claimed when a moment of lust has fully engaged me.  But my foray into BDSM and D/s dynamics makes some things even more complicated.

In no particular order I am going to try to explain those things that were spurred into more clarity thanks to a random email.  I want to be doted on without being suffocated.  I like being told I'm important to someone BUT I don't ever want to feel like I'm unable to break free from someone.  I like the lovey dovey moments but that on a perpetual basis would drive me just this side of insane and really I'm close enough already so I don't need a push.  I want to pushed past my limits without being so utterly damaged that I cannot function.  Both of the Dom types who have recently been in my life have done this and I applaud their efforts but they explored them on different ends of the spectrum: one physical and one mental.  I ate up the experiences.  I want to continually repeat the experiences.  But I don't have a teleporter to see either of them at my leisure and what I need is a melded experience not disjointed one.  I read something on Fet that Mr. Wolf seemed to enjoy and while it claimed to be a method of mind fucking someone it seemed to be the most literal interpretation of the word that one could use.  Making someone orgasm without physically penetrating them is no small feat I do understand but it falls monumentally short of what I mean when I use that phrase.  And to be clear what I am calling a mindfuck could be way off base from the definition as well but what I think of is my brain being so overwhelmed, overwrought and overcome with thoughts of someone that it impacts my ability to function normally.  Their desires, their energy, their voice ring in my head even when I need to be doing and focusing on something else.  It's about making me want to do things that my rationale brain says hell no to but my submissive brain says please may have I have some more.  Hmm back to the list of wants before I slaughter kittens in my rush of lust.  I want to be physically pushed into the ridiculous high that a good sub space can bring.  The staccato thuds of a heavy flogger are so much more relaxing than any deep tissue massage can ever be.  And while I don't need to have sex at that point if I do I'm either going to drench someone or be so limber and happy that I make fuck them into a coma.  Really just depends on the day and both is not outside the realm of possibility.  I want to love my Dom but I'm not sure I need to be in love with them.  I want to be devoted to them.  I don't want to be so entwined in them that I am no longer useful.  I need to be consumed without being decimated.  I need to be demeaned and humiliated and told that my only purpose in life is to please them and then put back together so that when I need to step back into grown up life I won't be ready to capitulate to the first stern voice I hear.  I need to fuck so long and so hard and/or with so many different people that my body is one continuous orgasm for hours after the sex stops.

That doesn't seem like a whole lot in my brain but it's a hot mess of things to most folks and almost impossible to expect that any one partner is able to take care of all one their own.  It's the only reason why I am willing to consider poly now.  And even that consideration is muted a bit.  I need to be able to be with someone that I can see and experience all of those things with regularly.  I'd prefer not to have to get those wants/needs met in different relationships but after reading another post on Fet maybe that is the politest thing to do.  I can't ask for something from someone they are clearly not skilled to provide.  It just frustrates us both.  And I am so not about frustration this year.  Ahh well, I'll keep thinking about it.  This is just rambling now so I'm going to bed..




The Mirror Has Two Faces

Sunday, February 21, 2016 No comments
Both of mine may just be a little twisted.  I am a series of contradictions.  I'm sure I've mentioned that here before.  I have days that I think I really am just a nice normal girl who loves baking and reading and hanging out with small children because they rock in all of their amusement and excitement about life.  And then there's another side that feels like I'd be better off hanging out in Arkham Asylum with the rest of the inmates.  Or recently escaped inmates as Selina Kyle never stayed long and neither did Harley Quinn.  Hmm I'll come back to that.  As I was thinking about this post I was looking for the conversation that Selina and Bruce had in Batman Returns.
Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
[silence as they realize each other's identities]
Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Bruce Wayne: Let's go outside.

I'm not sure why what I thought that would prompt me to write about but I have always loved that scene.  Acknowledgment of our duality in a situation that probably won't resolve well (and yeah based on the rest of the movie did not end well lol) but being drawn together anyway.  I am often trying to balance my AA regular side with my alter ego of pseudo soccer mom (I have no kids remember so it's really just pseudo).  The men I have often been the most attracted to seem to have a bit of a struggle with duality as well.  It's intriguing and interesting and makes my brain fixate for a while on something other than due dates, meetings, and meal prep.

I almost went with one of these quotes as they would both be appropriate as well:
Selina Kyle: Wow, *the* Batman - or is it just "Batman"? Uh, your choice, of course!
[Batman walks away]
Selina Kyle: Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.

Selina Kyle: Honey, I'm home. Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.


Need and Growth

Saturday, January 23, 2016 No comments
My mind has been scattered and I'm trying to keep it all together but it's not been easy. I actually was planning to do something else because of the email this prompt came from in the mailer I got from Luna @ the Submissive Guide. Well I had two things in mind to do but neither was this. The prompt resonated with me for some reason today and I'm not sure why. Here's the message: “For me, D/s is a graded endeavor. There are definitive levels of achievement. There is an unacceptable level of performance. Effort is not enough to make the grade.” – Sir C

I have mentioned this to other people, mostly the Dutchman and Mr. Good Nhyte, that I haven't necessarily felt like I have grown much as a submissive in the past. That was largely due to my own issues with fully surrendering to my partners but also because of where those relationships ended up progressing to I would assume. While I know more about myself and what I need to be in the kind of relationship I want to pursue, I don't know that I have done anything since fully embracing my role as a submissive that I would mark as an achievement. I still can be ridiculously argumentative. I try not to be insubordinate but if I don't understand why something needs to be done I am unlikely to do it. And I am still working on just letting go and understand that where I am being led is where I am supposed to be. I don't always feel secure enough to do that and then I slip back into my rational brain and that's just a death knell for me in growth as a submissive.

The thing is I want to be better, stronger, improve in significant ways but much like with everything else with me it's a struggle. I need to have control wrested away from me. I need to have my choices limited such that pleasing is really my only option. I need to feel that when I make that slip I will be protected in that space. It takes a special person to do that and to maintain that longer than just a scene. I don't like it when things around me are falling apart and my natural impulse is to just fix it and if I'm fixing it I'm not slipping. And if I'm not slipping I cannot acquiesce to even the simplest of requests or commands. Once over the last year has something been requested that felt like a genuine test of my ability to surrender. And I can't say there wasn't a massive amount of trepidation when the request was made. I cannot tell you how well it went because I just kinda remember my brain breaking a bit at the time. I've fallen completely off with that in the months since though so was it really an accomplishment or achievement more than a task I ticked off my to do list at the time without revisiting since.

To be fair most of that is due to things not being set or stable with Mr. Wolf or The Dutchman which makes their focus and ability to control me not be where I need it to be or they may want it to be. Life is in flux as usual but I want to figure out how to keep sparking growth independent of a partner. I need to spend some time thinking about that and given my schedule if I don't do it soon I'm not sure when I will.


Self-reflection and Submission

Saturday, January 16, 2016 No comments
Today is somewhat a chill day for me.  Nothing major looming overhead.  What is looming can be accomplished relatively easily.  The diet has been thrown to hell as I'm trying to recover from two different illnesses hitting me at once and save a few days earlier this week during which I was ridiculously horny, had the best wet dreams ever thankfully staring people that I might be able to make that reality with, enthusiastically masturbated while documenting the goings on and then shared with people who make me creamy I have been doing a whole lot of nothing it feels like.  Woke up earlyish today, ate breakfast, watched BBQ Pitmasters and then took a nap in which a beautifully thick and hopefully well endowed man visited my dream and flirted with me and made me moist before I woke up lol.  Really sounds like a good day right?

And truthfully it was/is and then I stumbled upon a post in Suffer For Me on Fetlife that directed me to yet another post and I realized I had more in common with random people than I thought.  I'll get to that in a second.  I knew I was going to spend some time investigating my internal reactions to that and then I did something totally innocuous: took a Facebook quiz about what I'm secretly afraid of and came up with some supporting evidence of why I might need to ponder what I need to ponder.
In recent years, you find yourself having trouble keeping a relationship. You are irrationally scared that once you will open up, your partner will get a look at the real you and leave. Our subconscious is unfortunately filled with these kinds of thoughts.

To be honest, I haven't been trying to keep a relationship.  I don't see the utility in them all the time.  We're attracted to some aspect of a person and then want to keep that all to ourselves which ends up altering the thing we liked in the first place.  Ok that's a bit depressing but you can see why I wasn't really clamoring to keep one cause really that's how I was thinking.  Not to mention the whole "irrationally scare that once you will open up" thing because that really hasn't been totally irrational for me.  Dating vanilla dudes for more than half my life when I told them what I really wanted, and that was at the corner of tame and tamer at the time, they have reacted strongly to that and typically not well.  "What kind of girl wants a man she loves to do that to her" was a frequent conversation at that point and outside of a little spanking and rougher than normal sex it never went where I really needed it to go and then relationships go poof. 


In with the new...welcome to my 2016

Friday, January 01, 2016 No comments
The word for the day is honesty.  I'll get to more about that in a few minutes.  So as is necessary I am currently deeply gorging on a Twilight Zone marathon that started a day or so ago with brief interruptions from regular programming, sleep, work, the gym, and meal preparation.  I have done more than is standard during my week off and that's good as my mood and mentality are a world apart from where they could be otherwise.  For those who aren't aware I recently had a birthday and shortly after I went to visit family.  I don't do it often but when I do it seriously feeds my spirit.  It reminded me of some things I need to do a better job of taking care of and I got new photos for my phone of the people who make up the largest part of my heart and keep me grounded.

It was with that energy that I came home on Monday and didn't lose it about mom's standard "I have no idea what I want to eat but I sure am hungry" routine.  The end result was Burger King and we ended up with extra nuggets and a free soda because the cute drive thru guy--yes I was checking his cuteness, I was tired not dead and yep he was mountable--felt bad we had to wait a few minutes for fresh nuggets.  I slept well and have spent the last four days working, working out and thinking.  I wasn't dreading being pseudosingle or anything else.  Life, no matter how many complications I am experiencing at the moment, is good.  Largely because of that I'm committed to my goals for the year, not resolutions as those seem to go no where for me, the most prominent of which is being honest with myself and with others.  There are others: lose another 35 pounds, stay healthy, play nice with mom, repair some old relationships or let them go, get on the grind with work, travel, and say yes to new experiences but the honesty thing well it needs to win out.

To that end I pondered what I wanted to say to The Dutchman and Mr. Wolf over for a few days before I said or typed  a word.  Now once I started my fingers moving I let it come out mostly free flowing.  I did a tiny bit of editing but I can't not say things for fear of what may happen later.  Fear is a powerful motivator but it keeps me from being transparent.  Working on getting over that seriously.  So if you have any questions let me know?  You may be wondering about the whole Dutchman & Mr. Wolf situation and for now there's no major update.  I still care about them both.  They bring out totally different traits in me and I appreciate them both for doing so.  I obviously spend more time with Mr. Wolf and if he had his way I'd be tied up in the basement of a 1950s style bungalow during the hours that I wasn't needed at work.  That's actually not a bad thing really lol but I don't know how many bungalow's have basements and I don't really like the dark.  Well that's not true either lol.  There's no relationship hierarchy at the moment at least on my end.  They both have other relationships in play and are exploring different things with those individuals.  I can't say I'm all in the poly lifestyle at the moment.  I still get jealous and it has taken me a while to find my voice and just be honest when that happens but as I mentioned earlier I'm working on it.

The only other thing that is going to be new and fun for me to explore is a project so to speak that I am undertaking as part of my make the year epic list.  I'm asking people what they would do with a partner of their choosing and forty eight hours of solid debauchery.  I am seriously interested in the answers because some of them I will make happen.  Others I will use to melt the brains of other folks lol.  Right now though I only have one weekend scripted and two allegedly coming back to me soon.  I think I wigged one potential playmate out when he asked about my limits being pushed and I told him the truth.  And another is just a lazy prick as best I can tell and if his dick wasn't so ginormous I wouldn't think twice about it.  He may get a stopover visit lol.  Anyhoo I think I've rambled enough for now.  If you think you have a good idea for a debauched weekend let me know in the comments or shoot me an email--website name minus the .com