Being More Transparent: Ask Me Anything Thanks to Mr. Nelson

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 5 comments

I've been in a weird head space since Prince died. It's been a mixture of deep sadness, joy that felt inappropriate, and something approaching wistful for all the things that were not going to happen in the future--like molesting someone after a Prince concert. Several of my exes said I might kill someone in bed one day because of my sexual appetite. I generally ignored them whenever they said that but after a Prince show they might have been correct. The energy, the music, just the feeling of lightness would have warranted the potential manslaughter charges. I digress.

As I was listening to the marathon of music that Prince released I realized how many times he was just unequivocally himself and how many times during the music he encouraged others to do the same thing. I have described my life as being more splintered than I would like it to be and that's partially because I've been worried about how people would perceive me if they knew everything about me. That could bring up a metaphysical question about who knows everything about you in the long run but when it comes down to it I don't have to be as sheltered as I have been. In the end though I realize that I'm a ridiculously private person that people may have some legitimate questions for as well as it's just time to be more honest with myself about what I really want in this life and pursuing it more readily. I'm doing that more professionally. I need to figure out how to do it more in the personal realm. This is an admittedly small start but if you are wondering something about me feel free to ask. I will do my best to answer your questions within reason.


My record skipped, Prince Died

Sunday, April 24, 2016 No comments
I'm sure all of you have heard now that Prince died.  I'm sure that for those of you that it matters, you know what you were doing, where you were, who you were with and how you felt.  I was at my job and a string of concerned texts, emails and calls started streaming in because if you know me you Prince was my religion.  Not in the sense that I worshiped him.  I have a relationship with God even if I stay making mistakes but on this earthly plane Prince was who I wanted to be when I grew up.  While I seriously hate the term unapologetically Black as it implies the vast majority of Black people do apologize for our skin tone, Prince was all out of fucks to give if you didn't want to appreciate his Blackness.  I kinda idolized him for that fact alone.  A lighter hued Black man rocking heels and an assortment of seriously Black hair styles for four decades was something kind of stellar.

But that wasn't it.  He just was.  If he was uncomfortable in his skin it never shown long.  He evolved and we journeyed with him from Bambi to Ain't About 2 Stop.  I'll admit to not always appreciating a release in the moment cause he was several light years away from where I was but I swear when you met him where he was something magical happened.  I'm not going to repeat my concert stalking story here.  I won't wax poetically about how nothing on this earth could ever compare to being at a Prince concert with all the other folks who for a few hours could figure the mundane nature of our lives and bask in the once in a lifetime experience that it was to be with Prince Rogers Nelson while he was doing what he loved.  All I can say right now is that for three days I've felt a mixture of sadness, hope, happiness that I can legitimately speak to my love of him with people that will understand and a strong desire to not break down and start crying because once I started  I wasn't sure when and if it would stop.

I've been listening to my ridiculously large Prince collection since I heard, in the car, the gym, my office.  I've been grateful that SiriusXM just shut down a station this weekend and it's been blasting Prince nonstop.  It's healing and painful at the same time.  There will never be another Prince.  Which in a way is fitting because I am not sure if the world is ready for that but on the other hand generations of humans will never get to see him smirk as he swings his hips in a way no man should be able to pull off while still maintaining massive swag and sex appeal.  They will never get to experience his sense of humor and stupid deep voice before it moved into that haunting falsetto.  For them he will just become one of the inspirations of their favorite processed pop artists and they will never be able to fully understand what he did and what he meant to those that loved him.  Even those that just loved him for a time period--the Purple Rain crew, those who thought that Under the Cherry Moon was camp personified, those who only knew he because he dueted with she who will never be named or guest starred on New Girl.  They will know him through stories that their current crushes share but most will never feel the crush that has been sitting on my chest for the last 72 hours.

Most of the time in situations like this I need to be hurt.  The pain pushes me through the grief.  It makes me process that life is fleeting and that unfortunately this is just part of the status quo.  But just like when my father died I'm swinging back and forth between ridiculously grateful to have had that person in my life to borderline miserable and I really just want to sleep but life won't let me do that right now.  I keep choking back tears and wondering what the hell happened that no one could have prevented this but one.  And then just like my dad I realized there's nothing you can do when your time is up.  My dad would have been 70 this year, Prince would have been 58.  I am going to try wake up every morning until their birthdays (both the first week of June) and just try to be grateful that they were able to be the kind of men I admired and that impacted their worlds in the best way they know how.  I have things planned outside of that which will require me to adult during that time no matter how much I don't want to do it.  I'm going to rub my tattoo and keep listening to my music.


A Moment of Self-Reflection...

Wednesday, April 13, 2016 6 comments
Or how I became one of those people that I just didn't understand.  If you visit my page on Fetlife you would notice some changes there.  After a number of years of being single and just having my D/s role listed I added "in a relationship" a few months back.  That was true then as it is true now.  But as I have been doing in other parts of my life in different phases I wasn't sharing the whole truth because I really don't like having a million eyes focused on me.  Not that enough people read my page here or profile there for it to matter but for those that do I wasn't really up for questions I hadn't really developed the answers for yet myself.  And maybe even more so I wasn't sure how the folks most directly impacted by those changes would feel.  I have mentioned Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman here before.  I have debated for the last year what I'm doing with either one of them and if it was fair of me to be engaged with both of them at the same time.  And there were moments when I was so distressed that they were polar opposites because if they were similar or I could merge them then I could adhere to my devotional pattern of one man trying to be all things to me.  It helped when there were moments of disconnect with each of them because it allegedly told me that see the two partners thing doesn't work for you.  Focus damn it focus.

The problem with that is that I was still not invested in my full truth.  Fact of the matter is I submit to them both in different ways and I love it.  I love both of them for not stopping my exploration of whatever it is I'm feeling for the other.  That may not be permanent but in this moment and place I fully understand those people that used to confuse the piss out of me.  Polyamory isn't new but I legitimately couldn't grasp loving more than one person and it not diminishing both relationships.  It felt like it was meaning to be more of an agreed upon path to engage in extraneous relationships with limited blow back than a true orientation that someone could adhere to.  It didn't help that from my side of the slash there were not a plethora of examples of women with two Dominant partners and whenever it came up it was borderline ridiculed.  I mean if a Dominant has multiple interests and needs more than one submissive to fully explore them why wouldn't the same be true for a submissive?  It's great if one person can fulfill that need but due to a variety of factors that may not be the case.

I can say it shocked the hell out of me but when I'm well connected and in tune with both I am more loving and appreciative of them both.  They have similar ideas about domination and thus my submission.  However, they approach it from a totally different, like coming from opposite sides of the globe different, perspective.  One or the other could have spurred growth and another evolution in me I'm sure but the two together have opened my eyes to new possibilities and my ability to endure pain and degradation to previously unconsidered places that I greatly enjoy.  My descriptions of the relationships may use the same words, love/care/lust/what have you, but the manifestations of that are different.  Mr. Wolf is a nurturing type by default and it took a while to get the sadistic teddy bear to come out to play but he's fun when he comes to visit lol.  The Dutchman should work in black ops or advertising.  His skills at pushing my boundaries and overtaking my brain and leaving little bombs to explode are just excellent.  And while I'm not sure that my brain could fully handle all three of us in the same space on a regular basis the ability for my brain to shatter and be repaired might make me a superhero in the future.  Regardless, I adore them both and I am kinda stupid happy that neither one balked at my new perspective on life and love.

At the end of the day I feel like I'm in a really good place and that energy is benefiting everyone right now.  Especially first thing in the morning lol.  I'm happily climbing out of bed and sharing myself with the world in general but with them in particular.  This experiment may fail.  It may just turn out to be me being greedy and selfish and stupid but I really hope that isn't the case.  Life has been so much better over the last few weeks than when it was while I was struggling to get to this place.  So yeah I'm one of those people now: poly is my current reality.