Life Could Be a Dream...

Saturday, May 20, 2017 No comments

No idea why that song is stuck in my head right now.  I could say that it's because of the cold medicine that is not working but that definitely isn't it.  I could say it's the time of the year that normally throws me off something awful because of the anniversary but I can't say that either.  It just popped in my head has been there for a bit.  Work is caught up for the moment.  I got new drugs so hopefully those work when I start taking them. 

Meh moving on.  So in my last post I mentioned noticing a pattern in my relationships.  I also saw something else that may make more sense in all of this shortly but I'll get to that in a bit.  I've often joked that I'm part boy because I just don't react to things the way most women do.  It's not that I couldn't I just don't.  In my relationships right now I feel like I'm emotionally dead center between the two of them.  Well let me say that I've felt like I'm emotionally dead center.  I'm probably overthinking all of that right now, thus this post, but yeah more words.  I've often wanted more emotional investment from one and less from the other.  And in looking at how I've interacted with them I think one wants more emotion from me and the other wants less.  So I've watched the push pull play out across the relationships and it's frustrated me until recently.  And that would be because recently I just shut down. 

I'm tired a lot.  I'm busier than I want to be most of the time.  Even when I think I have a bit of time to myself someone comes and jacks that.  I was briefly thinking time with my partners could rectify that but nah probably not right now cause I'm just in a funky place.  I'd eventually chill out but by then I'd be ready to go home.  I'm not even in a place that I could be overwhelmed by either of them which I kinda love and rely on some days just to make my mind shut down.  A lot of change is happening around me and I do tend to shut down a bit when that is happening but what's going on now isn't on the level of shut down.  Maybe it's a bit of everything.  Because if I'm honest the world at large is a bit fucked up and making me annoyed.  And if I could move abroad right now I would because I would just like to be an expat.  But I'd miss my family too much and my mother wouldn't really adjust well to living abroad in her 60s. 

I'm honestly not being a good submissive at the moment either.  I'm not asking for help nor am I trying to provide it.  I could do both but I'd suck at providing it right now and I'm not sure anyone could help with my issues.  I need a chef, maid, driver, and masseuse.  If that crew also happened to make me laugh that would be great but I'm short as hell right now with folks if they piss me off right now so yeah that's not a good idea.  I'd just have a bunch of angry folks cooking my food and tending to my car--that's a bad situation to be clear.  I don't want folks spitting in my food or giving me off brand gas because I didn't smile when they did something I asked.  Hopefully I'm not letting anyone down in the moment cause I'm not sure what's left of me to give after a regular day.  And I'm not sure how to get back to a good place at the moment. 

Ahh well time for drugs, food and sleep.



When Naps Attack or Don't

Sunday, May 14, 2017 No comments
I planned to write this post yesterday.  I was desperate for a nap.  Things calmed down and I was mid drool when the banging started.  Had it been nocturnal fucking yeah for me but it was the middle of the day and yeah I was solo so no unexpected sleepy moisture.  I tried to ignore it and then just as quick as it started it ended.  So I lay back down and was almost asleep again but then shit started up one more time.  That pattern repeated a few more times and then I gave up and binge watched the rest of 13 Reasons Why.  It's so damn slow but I know what happened now and I can ponder on it and how to incorporate it into other things as I know young folks are all very invested in it and the fact that there will be a second season.  Not sure what that will be based on since there isn't a second book but fuck it this is the land of make believe and that's what folks want to mess with right now. 

So today was Mother's Day and as I still have one of those I took mine out for the day.  We saw a movie, had a good meal, and then I let her round up food at all of her favorite spots that we don't have locally and headed back to the house.  She's funny some days and I love her so that's a good thing.  You probably won't see many of those posts here cause she's normally driving me nuts but she's always my biggest cheerleader and pain in the ass so gotta love her.

That had nothing to do with this post just a general aside as I'm working through things with my fingers.  I also just chopped my fingernails off because I broke one at such a jacked up angle I couldn't salvage it and it would have looked super strange with the others.  Whoops hold on.  Gotta through the laundry in the dryer otherwise I will have wet clothes and nothing I want to wear to put on my ass in the morning.  Okay I'm back so yeah that was just a random tangent.  The other stuff will be tangential too.

I am an odd duck if you haven't figured that out.  When I get stressed or upset I rarely lash out at anyone nor do I asked for help.  I tend to get way introverted and introspective and need time to sort things out.  Offers of support won't be ignored outright but there's usually no way to get me out of that place unless we play hard or I go on vacation.  Neither of which has happened since I got back from Amsterdam and well that is still a bit of a cluster fuck of emotions so I have kind of tucked that away for now.  I have had a realization about my relationships for a while now that I've tried to change or challenge and alter but it doesn't shift very much.  Seeing it clearly is somewhat disturbing because I don't see how to readjust that in a productive way for me.  So where does that leave me?  Confused like normal.  I love them both.  I do better when I see or talk to them both regularly.  But I'm also in a place where there's a weird line between enough and too damn much and it's never squarely in the same place.  I kind of think I should go to therapy but I gotta find the right person and the time to do it.  I need a plan b to healthy functional relationships cause plan a isn't quite working.

Back to the laundry, tennis, cartoons and ID network I go.