deep breaths

Sunday, September 30, 2018 No comments
I debated posting this because I'm still debating grown up life on so many fronts. I purposely didn't do anything today besides watch tv and chill because I'm tired and I wanted to see a few things.  I was right about one thing and it reminded me of why I don't extend myself to people after a while.  My voice is ignored until someone needs something and fuck that.  I'm ready for a long vacation.  I keep noticing the places that pop up when Windows boots up are calling to me and none of them, well almost none of them are stateside.  I need to start working on my foreign language development again.  I need to make an exit strategy. 

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new journeys, old ideas

Sunday, August 05, 2018 No comments
The busiest part of my year has descended upon me again and and it tends to make me introspective.  I'm trying something dramatic with my hair and that will be an investment of time, energy and patience but that's not what has me deep in though yet again.  I was on fetlife earlier deleting groups that don't really hold must interest for me anymore and that old rumination started to dance through my head.  Why am I here?  Not just fetlife but in the kink community overall.  I am not feeling terribly submissive at the moment.  I haven't felt that way in a while really and I'm not sure when that hit in full force.  Maybe because the last year of work has been mind numbing and that won't end until the end of the month.  A new stress will descend then but it may not be perpetual. 

Honestly I just feel disconnected from things and people.  It's either take care of them or wait for them to take care of themselves.  Neither situation is ideal for me.  I'm not even desiring of something in particular for them just to be stable independently of me so that I can enjoy them in the space they are in, lean on them or what have you.  I can't get there with most folks right now.  I try but then another shoe drops and I'm like ok sleep in a week or so.  I'm thinking I may have a misguided idea of what people can be for me.  When I interviewed for a new position at work they looked over my resume and flat out asked when I slept.  The honest answer is between midnight and 6:30 but not consistently.  And that I stress out until things are done right and in order.  And that eventually I get over it, do it myself, and get some rest at some point after that. 

Part of what has always appealed to me about submission is the ability to let go and let me partner lead.  I don't need to be broken but I need to see in a partner of behavior that I can depend on them no matter what for emotional, psychological and whatever other kind of support.  Not financial I can usually handle that but I want to look over and never wonder if that person, my person, will respond in the ways I need them to when I need that support.  There's an issue there for sure on my part because my needs can shift depending on my external stressors but I haven't been able to click on all cylinders with someone for a long stretch of time.  It starts out great and then I start to retreat at some point.  Unlike Morris Day I don't want perfection I just want stable.  Or maybe I don't want this at all and I'm deluding myself because leaving this space after so long is more terrifying than being aware that I'm not where I want to be as a submissive.

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Blocking Boomerangs

Thursday, August 02, 2018 No comments
It's the first week of August and that would normally mean I'm in a random city to attend a work conference but that got moved back to next week.  This week I'm going another annual work thing that has not felt as good as it normally does but as it comes to an end tomorrow something struck my mind.  I have been doing this event at least as long as I have known Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman.  I know this because I usually end up talking to one of them while I'm doing something during the week cause I'm tired of people.  This year not so much and not because they aren't great human beings still but I've been ridiculously tired.  I don't talk to either one of them as much as I probably could but it's been a YEAR man so I've appreciated that Mr. Wolf checks up on me but is letting me do life and respected the fact that the Dutchman is decidedly Dutch and handles life differently than I do.

Honestly I'm really happy right now.  I'm taking care of things that need to be done around my house and trying something new with my hair that I hope to enjoy.  And most of all I'm just smiling at one of my exes who seems to think I'm an on demand sex robot.  Like we don't talk for months on end and then I get a random request for something or other.  It gives me a good story to tell but yeah not really trying to revisit old dick.  I'm not actively looking for new dick though either.  I go through spells where sex just isn't all that important to me and I'm in one of them.  Work is kicking my ass and that is usually a good sign that I won't be horny or receptive to other folks being horny. 

I completely lost track of my point which means it is bed time.  Bye y'all.

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It's Been a Minute

Sunday, July 15, 2018 1 comment
Not sure why I haven't updated the page in a while.  Wait a fucking minute yes I do lol.  I was about to say nothing pressing has been happening but that is a LIE.  My mother, in all her infinite wonder is literally just now coming out of a massive health scare.  She spent about a month in the hospital after being diagnosed with an unexpected but intense medical issue.  She spent a month at home with me basically becoming a pseudo nurse.  And then she spent another month in the hospital and rehab after surgery to repair the issue once and for all.  We've been home and settled for not quite two weeks and have I hope a last follow up with the doctor tomorrow before a different wave of medical issues take over my life.  Those shouldn't be as intense, at least I hope not, because work will be back in full swing by then.  I don't have much else to say at the moment.  I'm contemplating making some changes to my hair and need to get back to the gym but that's nothing new.  Hope you are all well.

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when she feels like breaking

Sunday, April 15, 2018 No comments
there are moments when she just feels like stopping and screaming and saying fuck it and wouldn't life just be easier if she could.  she knows she can't.  people depend on her to not sleep, juggle twelve projects, find a way from no way, be perpetually functional, sarcastic and supportive.  it doesn't mean she doesn't want to and that reaching out for help won't make it better.  mostly cause she doesn't know what she needs besides the ability to stop for a moment.  to do nothing substantial or significant or serious.  instead she sighs deeply, crises in the shower as needed, takes random moments for self-care and dream crazy dreams when her mind slows down enough to do so.  she thought about leaning on him but realizes no him has ever really provided what she needed in that moment.  no one has in nearly seventeen years.  it's not their fault, they love her and want to make her smile but there's no time for that, she just needs to be.  so when she feels like breaking she must find the superglue and do a quick patch job.  there's not room or space for more than a crack and repair.

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Just a flash

Sunday, April 08, 2018 No comments
You know I've been busy but I've had about fifty million things I could tell you that I haven't thus far.  No big reason for it but because sometimes when I'm not feeling fully engaged with D/s or being sexual I have no connection to this spot.  I have been thinking about a post for the last few weeks because my brain keeps having flashes of being pushed up against a wall or folded up in half on my bed and I'm being fucked hard.  My mind is blank and happy.  I make no attempts to touch the person having sex with me, call their name or do more than just enjoy the moment.  Having said that it's clearly not anyone I know.  Just a flash of a moment.  I don't even get close to having an orgasm and I've made no moves to force an orgasm after the flash ends.  I'm not sure I'm even horny during the flash but it's pleasant and then it's over. 

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Random Sunday Musings

Sunday, March 04, 2018 No comments
This is going to be all over the place and I can't promise it will make a bit of sense lol.  I booted this up to write something yesterday but nothing came to mind.  Today as I was prepping to do the dishes after lunch I saw a clip for Seeking Sister Wife and said what the hell.  Before I get there though as I came back to my bedroom to continue to watch the train wreck I saw a commercial for Popeye's in which she was clowning other folks and their seafood selection.  Like for real you make chicken and it's delicious chicken but I don't want any of y'all making me fish or shrimp unless your name is Long John's and I haven't been up in that piece in a hot minute.  Stop playing fast food just stop it.

So the rest of these thoughts are just randomly about the show and things that made me concerned because well hell they were concerning.  As someone who has been in a polyamorous relationship I know it takes effort and it's not for everyone.  Hell I'm not always sure it's right for me but that's for another time.  I also know that cameras can highlight flaws that you may not be aware of until you watch them back yourself later with a more objective lens.  That's why you won't see me letting folks follow me around with cameras.  I'm a hot mess lol.

  • One of the chicks who is being considered as a potential sister wife said her primary reasons for wanting to explore the idea of polygamy was because of her childhood.  She'd be on her own since she was 14 and is missing a family as well as she can't have children of her own so the fact that there were already seven kids was ideal.  Danger danger Will Robinson.  You need therapy and then to adopt this is not your mission.  At the end of her episode when she should have arrived she stood them up so maybe her friend talked some sense into her.
  •  The other potential wife featured in the episode I finished watching is super young like at least 10 years younger than the couple. They meet her and she's saying the right things but all I'm seeing is she shady.  Don't ask me why cause I can't tell you but she seems shady.  When they asked her how she thought the initial meeting went she didn't talk about the wife in the couple at all, just the husband and how attractive she was.  I'm telling you shit is about to pop off there.
  • One of the families is imploding cause the wives are bickering and the husband is much too chill to intervene and like all of y'all need to play nice.  First wife is on her anniversary weekend, bad things will ensue.
  • I'm probably going to turn off the channel because it's a clusterfuck of things that are about to pop off.  And it's making me have flashbacks of 50 shades, just about polygamy, which is never good.  But before I do I need to watch him explain being in violation of rules they set.
So poly people don't have a spokesman right?  Most understanding of polygamy comes from the Mormons who have a certain take on it to be sure.  And while there are clearly folks who aren't Mormon engaging in polygamous relationships they aren't very public so how it looks for the rest of the universe may be vastly different.  I couldn't be a sister wife primarily because I have no desire to be a wife.  There are days when I let myself daydream about being swept up into the romance of it all but really I don't think I have the patience for it.  And then there's the whole issue of him being the person who has multiple partners and me just kinda going with it.  Polygamy is meh for me.  Polyandry could be better but I'm not sure that I want to be the focal point of multiple relationships either.  I don't wanna have kids, well I don't want to have them at my age, it's not a motivation for a marriage.  I envisioned myself as a stepmother but that still requires a marriage.  All of this is rambling.  I think I'm ultimately always wondering why the intrusion of cameras are worth the little bit of understanding that could be gained from doing these kinds of shows. 

I totally understand that I'm probably more freakishly concerned about my privacy than other people are some days but I think it's mostly because I don't want to pony up my privacy for education, fame, etc.  Within certain contexts I don't have a choice.  Folks know what I do for work and can judge me accordingly but when it comes to my love life, or lack thereof some days, what I do is ultimately no one's business but my own.  Still watching, not proud of myself, would love some chocolate or an emapanada or both.


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It's been a minute

Saturday, February 24, 2018 No comments
My bad folks.  For the few of you still hanging out and looking for content my work life has overrun almost everything else.  It's a good overrun in that several projects are coming to fruition and ideas are being received well.  It's left me little time to process anything and I honestly haven't been feeling connected to BDSM much lately.  It's my ongoing struggle.  Am I actually submissive?  Am I too finicky to really be a good submissive to anyone?  Do I question things too much to be a good partner period?  I don't have answers right now. I do have a back that feels much better post massage so let's go with that for now.  Hope everyone is well.

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