new journeys, old ideas

Sunday, August 05, 2018
The busiest part of my year has descended upon me again and and it tends to make me introspective.  I'm trying something dramatic with my hair and that will be an investment of time, energy and patience but that's not what has me deep in though yet again.  I was on fetlife earlier deleting groups that don't really hold must interest for me anymore and that old rumination started to dance through my head.  Why am I here?  Not just fetlife but in the kink community overall.  I am not feeling terribly submissive at the moment.  I haven't felt that way in a while really and I'm not sure when that hit in full force.  Maybe because the last year of work has been mind numbing and that won't end until the end of the month.  A new stress will descend then but it may not be perpetual. 

Honestly I just feel disconnected from things and people.  It's either take care of them or wait for them to take care of themselves.  Neither situation is ideal for me.  I'm not even desiring of something in particular for them just to be stable independently of me so that I can enjoy them in the space they are in, lean on them or what have you.  I can't get there with most folks right now.  I try but then another shoe drops and I'm like ok sleep in a week or so.  I'm thinking I may have a misguided idea of what people can be for me.  When I interviewed for a new position at work they looked over my resume and flat out asked when I slept.  The honest answer is between midnight and 6:30 but not consistently.  And that I stress out until things are done right and in order.  And that eventually I get over it, do it myself, and get some rest at some point after that. 

Part of what has always appealed to me about submission is the ability to let go and let me partner lead.  I don't need to be broken but I need to see in a partner of behavior that I can depend on them no matter what for emotional, psychological and whatever other kind of support.  Not financial I can usually handle that but I want to look over and never wonder if that person, my person, will respond in the ways I need them to when I need that support.  There's an issue there for sure on my part because my needs can shift depending on my external stressors but I haven't been able to click on all cylinders with someone for a long stretch of time.  It starts out great and then I start to retreat at some point.  Unlike Morris Day I don't want perfection I just want stable.  Or maybe I don't want this at all and I'm deluding myself because leaving this space after so long is more terrifying than being aware that I'm not where I want to be as a submissive.

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