long drives, deep thoughts

Saturday, November 02, 2019 No comments
i've been driving a lot more recently to get to things and then trek back home.  as i was doing so ove the last few weeks a few things popped into my brain.  not that they were new things just things.  i thought about the end of things with Mr. Wolf and that i was more annoyed at how it happened than i was that it happened.  coming off a rough few months with mom's health, being in the middle of something hectic at work and waiting on folks to decide if i had done enough to keep my job meant i was tired, stressed and in no mood for anything to throw off my fragile balance of keeping it all together.  we were not connecting on an emotional level and i was okay with that cause i had no energy for it.  but the way in which that hit was just not cool for me in that moment.  i didn't fight to stay with him and we haven't spoken in months at this stage.  one of the things i thought would happen if we split has in that we just don't speak.  i don't have strong feelings about that just as i mentioned as thinking about it.

i haven't thought much about the Dutchman even though i've been learning his native language.  i'm actually enjoying the class but it's for me and my future travel more than being able to communicate with him.  we speak sporadically.  typically enough to know that someone is breathing but not so much that i know what is happening with him or vice versa.

i've been thinking about dating at this point in my life and realizing i'm a pain in the ass but a valuable one so that maybe it will happen or maybe it won't.  i'm not sure what kind of man i need but i am realizing even ones that i might have a visceral attraction to are not compelling enough for me to pursue anyone or to really allow any of them to pursue me.  that inevitably makes me think about sex on some level and i'm not super interested in anything more than someone that i see naked upon occasion and move on about my day.  but not looking for that either. 

my life is busy and i like it that way.  at some point there may be space for someone else.  if not i'm okay with that too.


Relationship Meanderings and Musings

Saturday, September 28, 2019 No comments
I haven't posted in a while.  No good reason for that just haven't stopped to do so. I was playing a game on my tablet earlier that had me doing the goofy happy you're in a relationship smile.  That's because my character in the game is happy in her relationship not that I'm in a new one.  I haven't sworn off dating but I am most definitely not actively seeking anyone out at the moment.  Mostly because I'm not sure how to replicate goofy game smile in the real world.  I mean the immediate rush I got and the initial cool off I seem to ride out just fine.  It's the how to keep it stable and smiling at each other despite the ups and downs and stressors that take us out of the happy goofy smile. 

I don't want a knight on a white horse to come and rescue me cause that shit would just piss me off.  I do think I want someone that is okay with little gestures and is decent at reading my mood.  I'm not always a talk every day kind of girl because shit I'm just not.  I don't like talking to folks unless we're in person most of the time or we can do it online.  I talk all day.  I kinda just wanna sit and be quiet at home. I like touching people but not in the we gotta be snuggled up with each other all the time kind of way.  Things that warrant touch are great but I'm also good just sitting in the same space and smiling happy and goofy at someone.  And I don't want touch that has to be sexual all the time.  If that's the only time we connect then shit is gonna go to hell soon enough.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than it came to me again today that most people don't get me much which is why I'm flying solo a lot.  If I agree to spend time with you it's because I really want to do so.  If you ditch and/or disappoint me we probably won't connect again because I don't let folks back into the tiny sphere of friendship.  Plus my life has been super busy for the last decade plus and I have to carve out time to hang out as it is.  If you work yourself out of that realm then fuck it. 

I'm tired.  I should go to bed.


updates and sleepy thoughts

Sunday, April 07, 2019 No comments
I've been back from my trip for a few weeks now and am excited that while I'm still busy I'm still holding true to who I am.  The trip crystallized some things both at work and in my personal life.  All I can say for certain is I'm open to new possibilities in both realms.  Looking for a new job is much easier to do than looking for a new person but I'm not anticipating either being something that happens quickly.  I've sent in an application for something probably totally above my pay grade and expertise but not something I couldn't do.  I've been called about one job and just got contact information on another one.  That will sort itself out one way or the other.  My petty may encourage me to stay where I am and just torment the hell out of folks.  But that's a lot of wasted energy so probably not.

Now the new person thing meh I have no idea what to do with that.  I could do what Good Nyte and the Dutchman did and just abandon all trappings of the lifestyle.  That may be easier to work out for me than it was for them as I feel no need to dominate anyone else.  And since it takes a certain kind of mojo to make me submit, rather make me want to submit to someone, then I'm unlikely to find that easily regardless of it was in the vanilla world or not.  Plus if I'm being completely honest most of the dominant men I know can't switch gears to my world easily.  By my world I mean the vanilla side of my life.  They can be aggressive or dismissive in ways that become obvious they don't click there.  That's not true across the board but the ones that have done so have made me wish I was dating a slightly kinky regular dude.  All dating sites suck for black women, unless you want to be with a white dude, which I do not.  This one will take longer for me to wrap my head around.

On another note, I've signed up to take a formal foreign language class for the first time in flipping forever.  Excited.


Sleep deprivation, petty and moving on

Sunday, March 24, 2019 No comments
I have finished my globe trotting and have had a week to sort of recover from it.  I was up a few nights in a row trying to resolve a situation that cropped up while I was gone and then basically traveled all day to make it home and immediately start working again.  I have to say I really enjoyed seeing a new country in Europe, collecting new passport stamps, and seeing the world through the eyes of folks who had never left the country.  I will likely repeat the process at some point in the future but need to get in a break for myself abroad as well.  I might see if I can let mom tag along this time because I know she wants to go but it has to be somewhere she doesn't have to do a lot of walking to have fun or I'll never hear the end of it.  Or I'll have to get her stamina up before we take off.  Maybe that's what we can do over the next year.

My petty level is on 100 right now.  The incident I mentioned on the trip is still flaring up now that we're back and I would really like to pull myself out of the situation but there's no quick exit out of it.  Combine that with some random things that have happened since I've been back have frustrated me to no end.  I have no patience right now really.  And I don't know when I will get any back.  I'm also not forcing myself to get it back right now either.  Don't ask a question you really don't want the answer to right now and don't promise you will do something and then fall down on your end of things on.  I'm super duper done.

So I'm sure some of you are wondering if I saw The Dutchman while I was away.  I will say yes.  For like five minutes.  I'm not kidding five minutes.  Long enough to say hi, maybe hug and then he had to leave and the next free night I had we didn't connect.  We weren't together long enough for him to ask why I wasn't wearing my glasses lol.  I'm not sure what I was expecting from our contact but I know now that there are some things that shifted.  It was a good shift and a necessary shift and when I'm done being petty I think the universe will be ready for what I'm ready for but hey if it's not I can wait.  There's enough other stuff on my plate right now.  Hope all is well with whomever is still giving this spot a read.


because neither one of us..

Saturday, February 23, 2019 No comments
I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted.  There are a billion and one things going on and I'm settling into life sans relationships of note.  I haven't officially said it here mostly because I am not saying much here apparently.  After last year, I am single again and not really looking at anything substantial developing.  I know what would likely make me thrilled with the universe but I also have entirely too much going on to pursue it or even begin to know where to look.  I know that most of the time dating doesn't even cross my brain and when it does it's mostly I suck at the whole enterprise.  Which briefly makes me think about "making it work" with an ex when there's literally a legitimate reason all of those relationships did not work.


Gamer Girl Gone Moderate

Sunday, January 13, 2019 No comments
I'm not sure what I'm going to call this post yet but I wanted to start writing before I forgot again.  This is about relationships and gaming but it won't make much sense at the beginning.  I've spoken before about wanting a strong mental connection with the person I submit to as it helps me slip into that role more.  I'll take an emotional one but that can be less stable for the long-term because that rush at the beginning of a relationship is never perpetual whereas that mental thing might make me slip into a smile randomly well after the relationship has run it's course and I'm just glad the person in question has no idea they could have had me for a new Build a Bear.  I really like teddy bears.

Anyway, when I have needed intellectual challenges or stimulation I have periodically delved more into gaming as a distraction.  I've been involved in gaming since I was a kid and we had to play on a Commodore 64 and had a blast playing BeatSaber this Christmas with the family but usually I get involved in games that involve some long-term strategy or those that need quick skill as both make me go yep got it or hmm that worked out differently than I planned but still good shit.