long drives, deep thoughts

Saturday, November 02, 2019 No comments
i've been driving a lot more recently to get to things and then trek back home.  as i was doing so ove the last few weeks a few things popped into my brain.  not that they were new things just things.  i thought about the end of things with Mr. Wolf and that i was more annoyed at how it happened than i was that it happened.  coming off a rough few months with mom's health, being in the middle of something hectic at work and waiting on folks to decide if i had done enough to keep my job meant i was tired, stressed and in no mood for anything to throw off my fragile balance of keeping it all together.  we were not connecting on an emotional level and i was okay with that cause i had no energy for it.  but the way in which that hit was just not cool for me in that moment.  i didn't fight to stay with him and we haven't spoken in months at this stage.  one of the things i thought would happen if we split has in that we just don't speak.  i don't have strong feelings about that just as i mentioned as thinking about it.

i haven't thought much about the Dutchman even though i've been learning his native language.  i'm actually enjoying the class but it's for me and my future travel more than being able to communicate with him.  we speak sporadically.  typically enough to know that someone is breathing but not so much that i know what is happening with him or vice versa.

i've been thinking about dating at this point in my life and realizing i'm a pain in the ass but a valuable one so that maybe it will happen or maybe it won't.  i'm not sure what kind of man i need but i am realizing even ones that i might have a visceral attraction to are not compelling enough for me to pursue anyone or to really allow any of them to pursue me.  that inevitably makes me think about sex on some level and i'm not super interested in anything more than someone that i see naked upon occasion and move on about my day.  but not looking for that either. 

my life is busy and i like it that way.  at some point there may be space for someone else.  if not i'm okay with that too.

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