One time for Amy Winehouse & Sade

Friday, September 11, 2020 No comments

When I am  muddling through things in my brain I tend to hear songs playing randomly.  Kiss of Life by Sade was dominating for the last few days until I remembered the hook from one Amy's songs.

"Although my pride is not easily disturbed, you sent me flying when you kicked me to the curb."

To be clear this is not the ended of a new relationship just me processing through all of the emotions I need to so I can put one to bed permanently.  Recognizing patterns here again and my need to beat up on myself when things don't work out even when I had little to do with it not working out in the first place.  That doesn't mean I am blameless.  Just that I was taking on some things that were not mine because that's what my brain does when I feel unwanted.  Clarity is a wonderful gift even if it does not erase the pain that was involved.  I appreciate that I'm not sobbing uncontrollably like I did when things really felt over.  But now it's just kinda like meh, what can I do with all of this untapped emotion.  I'm working on that now.  I'm writing and I'm working and I'm minding my business.  That's all I can do right now.  Now I'm about to go light my candles, and sip on something before I cuss out my permanent roommate.


Sitting in my peace

Saturday, August 29, 2020 No comments

There are days I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed.  Sleeping was good, dreams were good and no one could piss me the fuck off.  If you are my Fetlife friend, you may have correctly guessed that was one of those days.  After a rough week of just being Black in America and then losing my brother from another mother in Chadwick Boseman I was in literally no mood for fuckery today.  Today thankfully though I got a delayed text from my niece.  Then I chatted with my brother for a bit and was reminded that he's a good father and my nieces are very lucky.  I did my Dutch homework and chatted with a friend and slowly but surely my mood tamped down a bit.  I wrote a piece for my job and then I felt a little spent and with me and my anger that's a good thing.  I've lit several sage candles that have now started pushing out their scent and I feel much better.  

So what you may have gathered is I'm a hard woman to date and that if I love you it take a lot for me to stop loving you.  One of those love hard girls if you will.  But when my brain starts to put together that those paranoid emotional tirades were likely more factual than they were not, I get pissed.  I understand my brain.  I know that I overthink and that every now and then I will need you to assure me that I'm overreacting and things are good.  The only complication is if my heart interferes and tells my brain to hold on longer than my brain logically knows is good for any of us.  This is a lot of delayed grief I'm starting to figure out.  I had so much shit to do over the last few years between mom's health and working toward promotion and what not that my relationship brain was not processing all the stuff it needs to when it realizes things are over.  And that's where we sit now.  Processing and breathing in sage to return to calm.

As E. Lynn so eloquently stated, this too shall pass.  It will and I need to take care of myself and my mood swings until it does.


New Month, Old Me

Monday, August 17, 2020 No comments

 I've been chatting it up with one of my exes a lot lately.  Mostly as I process and work through complicated grieving I'm having related to another ex.  That's awkward at best but it's been useful.  I probably need to sage this space as I told grief invoking ex that too much of it reminds me of him which is annoying as shit.  Sorry got distracted looking for smudge kits.  Might have to just go with candles since I have a permanent nosy roommate who I can't send anywhere right now thanks to COVID.  My mind is stuck on random because I just recalled GIE promising to hurt me so I could cope with what I thought would be a traumatic horrific presidency that has been so fucking much worse than I imagined.

I have been reading and getting ready for another rough month of work that I hope doesn't turn into a cluster fuck since our working from home phase is about to end.  I've also been cooking and baking and guess what, literally tired of all that shit right now too.  What I want to do is sleep in, eat meals people bring me, fuck to work off said meals, and explore how much pain I can tolerate on a regular basis.  But nope I'm just in the house, annoyed, afraid that the next election will go like the last election and that I won't have the option to get the hell out of dodge now that an American passport is essentially useless.

And work is testing my patience because I allegedly have a tone when I'm asking pointed questions without sugar coating them.  Fuck it I'm too tired to care.  I miss having an attentive Dom but I didn't always enjoy too much attention.  I'm a check in regularly not daily girl.  blahhhhh, fuck it I'm going to go plan tomorrow's dinner.


Surprised Me

Wednesday, July 29, 2020 No comments
So my book has been published since early this year and I haven't really been tracking anything related to it.  No one reached out to me and said I hate you and it so I was good with that.  Turns out though people are buying my little smutty collection and I haven't made a ton of money but I've made enough they are sending me random deposits for sales and reads through Kindle Unlimited.  Not a lot of sales through the Kindle though so I'm going to run a week long promotion that starts tomorrow.  The eBook will be for sale for 99 cents from 8AM EST until midnight on August 5 (turning into August 6).  If you are more paperback centric let me know.  I can't run a promotion on the paperback because it's smutty lol but I may do a week long price drop on that one too.


After that my guess is you'll never hear from him again

Thursday, July 23, 2020 No comments
This will be a quickie. I worked most of the day. Read a book and had a good orgasm which as usual made me think about one ex or the other. So I did what nosy girls do and looked him up. Saw something I wasn't expecting but whatever I needed to break finally did. I think I am ready for whatever is coming next.


the sub who thought too much

Monday, June 29, 2020 No comments
I should totally be asleep but that is clearly not my lot in life right now.  Work through life off for me and probably everyone else a few months ago.  That was good.  It didn't give me time to think about my love life or submission or anything that basic.  I had to worry about taking care of mom and keeping us healthy and figuring out how to do my job from my living room table instead of my quiet office.  That is coming to an end--that you all deities that heard my prayers--for the most part on Tuesday.  That doesn't mean there aren't other things on tap but nothing that requires that much of my mental energy so I'm back to my insomnia fits and pondering life again.  That brings us to now and I don't know how long this is going to be so if you read after the break it is all on you.


Lessons in the Early Phase of the Lockdown

Thursday, March 26, 2020 No comments
So i am not above saying i learn things in random places.  i was watching Marriage Boot Camp Hip Hop Edition randomly tonight and it was a very protracted moment of watching our childhood and past pivotal moments shape our future/present.  They focused in specifically on what the messaging or chaos around us during that time frame keep being embedded in how we move forward.  To be clear the kids versions of themselves had some fucked up things happen and i can see how it plays into who they are now.  as i cried with and for them i was wondering if my messaging was still problematic.  Yep totally is but it's a messy thing to break down.  i wasn't homeless or abused.  my parents marriage was weird.  i didn't know why but i knew something was off.  i may have mentioned it here before.  They loved on us, my brother and i, but not really with each other save after a fight.   They rarely fought though.  They just kind of coexisted.  Looking back now i know that my dad was cheating and even though mom couldn't prove it for a long minute she was unhappy.  However, feeling like your husband might be cheating wasn't a good enough reason to leave him per my grandmother so my mom stayed.  Eventually they separated cause dad was really really cheating and my mom took it as a failure on her part even though she had long wanted out.  This is where my kid self needed an intervention.  What i learned from both of my parents was equally problematic from a long-term relationship perspective. 


je suis fatigue, ich bin mude, ik ben moe, i am tired

Sunday, February 23, 2020 No comments
if you can only read one of those languages they all translate to the same thing.  i am tired.  i have been tired  the whole month.  my fault for having too much to do, not enough time to do it and squeezing in a visit to see my family right before a big personal anniversary as well.  there has been a lot of loss recently too which is also taking a toll and i'm not sure i will be able to start playing catch up with any of this before next month.  what i'd like is some cuddle time watching a movie after i make dinner with the selected cuddle victim, maybe a good spanking or breath play, and then some sleep.  i'm not even terribly horny which is how i understand i'm very tired.  that plus that horny switch can just be decimated for me if i'm not intellectually engaged with someone.  a vacation might help but i think i'm back where i was a few days ago in that skin hunger phase.  i miss connection and it makes me tired.


So i did a thing: The Alphabet Game is now a book

Tuesday, January 28, 2020 No comments
i can't remember when i exactly pulled down the stories i wrote for Roaming Soldier and Mr. Good Nyte but it was a while ago because i just had the impulse to get them published.  However, i also had work and other stuff happening so i didn't get around to it.  i did pay for an editor and i swear i looked at none of that over the last few days.  My brain got pressured to just let them go.  i ran a spell and grammar check.  i used some new phrases for some things and then i went looking for the easiest way to get from my flash drive to you.  That turned out to be Amazon's self publishing service.  i had to mock up a new cover and resubmit because as a friend pointed out it was kind of generic.  So I present you with links to my only book of erotica out there right now.

The ebook/Kindle version is here: The Alphabet Game

The paperback is here: The Alphabet Game

In either case you won't pay more than 10 bucks to grab either version and it's a whole 11 bucks if you want them both.  i hope you enjoy them but if not i can't control that really.  It was time to let them go.


life is short, inspiration strikes in odd places

Monday, January 27, 2020 No comments
Hey all.  Unless you just totally checked out from all forms of media then you heard about the sudden and tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter, at least three members of another family and four other people.  Kobe wasn't my dude but he reminds me of lots of men in my life and it made me sad.  When i make it to bed tonight i will send out a longer prayer for all involved because life is altered in ways no one can really speak to right now. 

That news, plus other conversations i've had recently have made me take next steps on a long delayed idea.  As soon as it's finalized, i will release more details but i am trying to do better this year.


last year was complicated the finale

Thursday, January 09, 2020 No comments
so you've heard about work and you've heard about my relationships.  just an update about me and i can't say this will be all that long.  January marked the six month point in growing out my locs.  They were healthy but still a little thin and of course not completely settled.  They look amazing now so i'm loving that i went that route and my hair is happy and healthy.  My weight went up and down and by the end of the year i just didn't give a crap cause i was tired.  Last year was another just give it a try and see what happens thing.  i took a Dutch class and i'm signed up for part two this spring.  i cooked a lot more and experimented with different recipes.  i signed up for a mystery vacation so someone else plans my trip and i just go.  i rocked out at a P!nk concert and bought tickets for two concerts this year, Jill Scott and Maroon 5, and may get a few more in.  i got rid of things and decided to try drum lessons which started this month.  Like i'm happy.  i realized tonight after coming in for the day that i'm legitimately happy and i can't say when i felt like that last.  Maybe i needed to write this to cleanse last year but it feels like a lot of heavy things have been shed.  So yeah that's everything.  i doubt you have any questions but if you do fire away.


last year was complicated part two

my last post was all about relationships this will be about work.  long and short of it, it was a mixed bag.  one of the highlights of the year, my international trip, literally had me ready to quit and i cussed out at least three folks out about how it all went down when we got back.  like i legit started applying for new jobs and have gotten more interviews than i thought i might and there's a job in the pocket if they keep tap dancing on my nerves.  i don't feel bad about that at all by the way.  working with folks that work on your spirit badly is not great. 

other than that i'm crushing work.  i did get the promotion that was held up longer than i thought it would be.  i had to fight for compensation for some work i did over the summer but i got it.  screw that playing nice with folks.  i took more trips with more young folks that went well even though i was exhausted and we presented on that later and the donors who granted us funds think i'm effing amazing so there's that. and i put forward new initiatives and conducted more trainings and gave a ton of presentations which are leading to more presentations. 

i love my job, i don't like a chunk of my coworkers.  i appreciate that no job will be perfect but save making my own ideal work situation which would be difficult at best to pull off and still take care of my family i gotta figure out what the options are for the future but i'm still looking.  so yeah work much less complicated than relationships ha.


last year was complicated part one

Sunday, January 05, 2020 No comments
and yes i did totally steal that from Nick Jonas.  As an aside as i was making sure that it was Nick and the title was correct, i found out that he had done a bunch of Youtube videos about making the album and on it he mentions meeting his eventual wife in a bit of a he might have goofed up kind of way.  It was sweet and made me reflect on why i was hunting for the title.  Some years i'm on autopilot and keeping things together is easy enough.  Granted those don't happen enough but they do happen.  Last years was for fuck's sake not one of those years.  Getting into all of it in one post would take forever so i am going to break this up.  Because it will be the most bleh to break down let's start with relationships: romantic, friendships and work.


when you miss the thing you didn't really want

Thursday, January 02, 2020 No comments
it's a new year and i am surely not going to pretend to be a new me.  i'm the old me.  tired, too busy, and needing to slow down all the time.  i have a bit over the holidays.  i've cooked a lot, baked a lot, experimented with things, cleaned up, threw things away and in general indulged in any food that i wanted to have.  i did some binge watching induced by the annual Twilight Zone marathon and tonight i've been listening to music and having a small drink.  i did some random snooping on fetlife to see how Mr. Wolf was doing.  He seems to be doing well.  His girls are happy and He appears to have a solid thing happening now.  for a minute i legit felt a pang of what i can only call jealously and then i remembered something.  what i want isn't want He wanted.  not really.  there were lots of areas of overlap but there were serious points of difference.  and i'll admit there's some places where i don't think we'd ever really come to a full understanding so legit i can't begrudge Him a happy time with whomever He chooses.  timing was not ideal but when is it ever a good time to release someone.  it was the final nail in the imploding coffin and i still had another few months of crap to deal with it before everything was settled.  i started looking for a new job in the middle of that too.  the only thing i didn't do was something dramatic with my hair cause i wasn't a year into the locs yet so that could have gone badly.  i'm in a better place now so i can say i didn't have as strong as a reaction as i might have six months ago.  life has settled so i can be more pragmatic about things.  so yeah had a moment. figured i should work through it and now i'm going back to the last few hours of the Twilight Zone binge fest and then get up and go shopping for new pots and pans and maybe dishes.