And now it's time to say goodbye to all my.....

Monday, December 28, 2020 No comments

If you watched a lot of Def Comedy Jam you'll be able to finish that sentence.  If not, either go watch or do a google search.  I'm not planning on disappearing.  Just wanted something that made me smile when I started typing.  As I have made yet another journey around the sun and have settled into my now mid 40s officially, something has come to settle in with me.  Last post, I mentioned that I needed to quit reaching out to my exes even though I wasn't sure if I could pull that off.  Turns out, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  I've spoken to one since then but I have backed away from all of them.  It's not that they were blocking my progress, or even that I am upset with them.  I'm not.  Our relationships were good until they weren't (check out Stupendo Fino A Qui for a pretty good song and explanation of my thoughts).  And they, for the most part, never did anything directly to hurt me.  My hurt and disappointment is largely due to what I was hoping would happen versus what actually did.  And I have told more than enough people that you cannot date potential or the idealized version of the person you care about to know better.

I loved each of them for entirely different reasons and they each brought entirely different things into my life (check out Not in That Way and Bad at Love).  The truth is while I am very independent and able to be self-contained I'm still a a bit of a romantic and want the epic love story wrapped in a kinky bow.  And while I'd love to be out and about and run into my tall dark and handsome everything, my life doesn't really allow for that and getting close to people involves some inherent risk that I'm not totally down with taking right now.  On the plus side, work is good.  I have amazing opportunities coming from that for me and others.  And I am still thinking that I'll find the right person to go with me in all formats.  Check out random songs at your leisure: Take Your Time by Sam Hunt, Take Me To Church by Hozier, Somebody to Die For by Sam Smith, or Best For You by Maroon 5.


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this may be my magnum opus, read on at your own peril

Saturday, November 28, 2020 No comments

Today was apparently my breaking point and it was set off by something stupid.  I got up to make my lunch.  Well to warm up my lunch because I haven't really cooked since Thanksgiving.  Anyway, I get there and the sauce for my lunch is missing.  I didn't throw it away which leaves only one other person in the spot that could have.  When I inquire about it, I get the standard I know I did something but don't want to tell you I did it because you have asked me not to do shit like this about a million times response: I don't know.  I am not sure why that was less acceptable today than any other day but today it was not gonna work.  Well I wasn't initially.  I figured it out later but back to this fucked up conversation.  

We go round and about and as always the verdict is I'm just mad for no reason and she's never going to do it again.  We both know that's not true so I left and went and ate.  Within five minutes of me finishing that meal I was in literal tears.  I threw away my actual trash and came back to my room.  I meant to start writing then but I tried to play a game first so I could calm down and it didn't work.  I just ended up crying harder and that's when everything hit me.  

For the better part of the last 14 years and 11 months (we'll be at the fifteen year mark at Christmas provided I have not had a stroke or heart attack and died), my entire life has been about making her life more comfortable.  Making sure that my job alone could handle 90 percent of the bills, adjusting to her random mood swings and conversations she has with other people that I should magically know about, about not having certain conversation with my brother or his family so she maintain some fragile ass illusion about who or what she is, and allowing her to be as autonomous as she wants to be.  Which to be clear is super autonomous when it comes to spending her money but not when it comes to making travel plans, cooking dinner, taking her shopping physically, managing her medications, talking with her doctors, taking care of the house, or handle any of her insurance or medical decision making.  That has meant that for the better part of 14 years and 11 months I have had to work like a grown up, handle all the demands of what that means, take care of myself, take care of her, pretend I'm having something that is a completely fulfilling relationship, and not just say fuck it and bounce.  

I have asked myself repeatedly why my dad didn't make it but she did.  I have felt horrible each time but dad took care of himself and she did not.  By that I mean when we encouraged him to go to the doctor, watch what he ate or whatever he did those things.  It didn't matter.  Within a year of whatever it was emerging he was gone.  In the last 16 years she has had a seizure while driving (16 years ago), brain tumor removed (15 years ago), pancreatitis so bad she damn near died (2 years ago), and pneumonia so intense she damn near died again (like a month ago).  Each one of those times, because of her demands or recovery process I have had to turn into a home health nurse learning a whole lot of shit outside of my areas of expertise and then what questions to ask because telling her is borderline useless because she won't be doing any of them while simultaneously still being her daughter and not get angry when I can't even do my job because she will not be okay for the four hours I need to be at my office.  To be clear she'd physically be fine but she'd call and complain so much there would be literally no work getting done.  

I'm sure you are wondering what any of that has to do with anything else and I will tell you that now.  Every plan for myself has to think through the possible reactions she will have and the accommodations I will have to make to the thing I want to do in order to make her okay with it initially.  I'm always going to say initially because two years later she will swear she agreed to nothing and backing it up with dates, conversations, and the like will not help you well me in the slightest.  I have said before that my mother is spoiled, and I have done myself no favors in humoring as much as I have with her, but it was that or having screaming matches with the person who birthed me.  That's a mind fuck I do not enjoy and y'all know I love a good mind fuck.  I want to love her and her love me and us giggle like we do sometimes.  Those sometimes require my silence and my acquiescence with foolishness more often than it should.  I realized something else too.  My grandmother was probably not much different in retrospect but she had 30 plus other grandchildren to disperse that need on plus the 10 living children she had at the time.  My mother has me and my brother and my brother has the good fortune of being the youngest and a boy.  A boy who married someone that my mom kinda can't stand so she doesn't want to visit or speak to him very much.

And there are days I'm super happy for him and them because clearly I have no husband or kids.  Today however I'm kinda in a rage about that too.  Yes, his life has its own demands but he has someone to share that with and he has kids that love him.  I have exes and teddy bears.  And I don't really want to accumulate too many more of either of them.  I'd like a partner that I could curl up with each evening and laugh through whatever fuckery she has brought into my life and how we can both manage work and divide and conquer her weirdness for the next day.  I had that briefly with Mr. Good Nyhte.  But that came with different baggage for him and I and both he and his predecessor, Roaming Soldier, had to deal with her outbursts directed at me and whatever failings I was displaying as a daughter in that moment.  Both of them were irate and tried to defend me but that NEVER goes over well for future reference.  Since then I just haven't introduced her to anyone because she's both super eager and super judgemental and both of those states of being are exhausting as fuck.

I've almost signed up for two BDSM dating sites over the last few days and have not pulled the trigger because we can't spend time here.  Our bedrooms are too close together and the walls are thin.  Plus she needy and there's no promise that even if there was more room that she would give me more space.  I appreciate that life may not ever turn out the way you hoped but this isn't even on the radar of things I was daydreaming about as a kid.  I was convinced I'd be a step mom by now.  Married to a nice man who already had kids and I'd be the cool supportive step mom that I never completely had growing up.  Again something I had briefly with RS and GN but it's gone now.  Plus we never made it to the alter for totally different reasons.  And now I'm about to start crying again.  I've resolved to just get through the rest of this year but I'm putting it out to the universe, that I would really like a break from this version of reality.  I'm going to ask for more acceptance of her because she's not going anywhere.  I'm going to ask for the right man to come along and not any man cause that won't work.  He needs to be understanding of this weird living situation, taller than me, preferably Black but if you look like Ryan Pavey, Jason Mamoa, or grown ass Brad Pitt let's talk, who has a career that he loves so he can appreciate me loving mine, is funny, is smart, loves music, food, books, sports, and traveling to new places to collect passport stamps and new memories, and who maybe has a kid or two that needs a bonus mom.  He doesn't need to live locally but he needs to have good communication skills and can handle small gestures of affection both given and received.  I doubt that man is reading this blog but if you know someone send him my way.  Time for dinner and more purple margaritas and an early bedtime since I have to give a talk tomorrow.


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hallmark movies may restore my fragile hope of love

Thursday, November 26, 2020 No comments

okay that's not true like even a little bit.  i love watching them right now because they are giving me a good cry when i need it or letting me enjoy the simplicity of just going back home to find the love of your life and your purpose.  i've been watching hallmark movies, reading self directed games and a few books over the last few weeks and even when i know it's trite and silly i appreciate that at the end people will be happy and in love and at peace.  and i rewatch or reread some of them because that sense of completion is better than the empty space i have right now in my own head.

i miss someone curled up with me and stealing the covers and snoring next to me when i let them snore next to me.  but given who i am and what i want the likelihood that the right person will materialize soon if ever leads me back to the books and the movies cause at least i know they are there.  and those stop me from reaching out to my exes.  and i need to stop reaching out to my exes.  not because there's nothing happening there but because a tiny piece of me hopes they will figure it out but they won't and like i always say there's a reason that relationship ended.  i don't have a time machine and i don't think the adjustment bureau or the matrix are things for real.  i'd kill for the neuralizer from Men in Black though.  i'm not sure what replacement backstory would be sufficient for my dating life but i'd take it right now.  maybe they could convince me that i'm not really kinky and any man who was attractive and smart would do.  or maybe i would have stayed with my HS ex and gotten him over the proverbial hump.  i'm not sure but wait, yes i am.  i would not have married him record scratch on that foolish ass thought.  well regardless, it would be nice to forget the heartache for a bit.  when that is left uncheck it feels like my heart just becomes brittle waiting for someone to come put it back together. that's a silly thought too.  those moments happen when they are scripted but they don't last for most of us in the real world.  

i have often considered that i'm meant to be single.  i've said as much here and to friends who tell me i'm giving up.  and i think the right person would be able to capture my attention but i don't know where i'd meet him.  dating apps seem like a waste of my time if i'm going to be completely honest on my profile.  i'm pretty sure i'd make a matchmaker's head explode.  prayer hasn't worked and my friends know me well enough to know the folks they know aren't it.  i would say to the universe that i'm ready to find my match but i'm not sure that the universe would provide me stellar options in 2020.  fuck it, universe if you've just been holding off let a sister know.  i'm ready to have someone who is my friend and my partner again.

back to my fictional love landscape.


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Back and Forth

Sunday, November 15, 2020 No comments

I am always debating whether or not it's time to let this site go dark.  I don't mind sharing my thoughts but my thoughts on D/s are inconsistent at best.  Mostly because life itself is so overwhelming.  Pandemic, work, sick parent, and taking care of myself all push me out of a submissive headspace.  Add into that there's no one trying to pull me back in, especially after leaving Fetlife, then it's kinda of like what is this space for.  As the election was drawing out I remembered that the Dutchman said he would have to hurt me to get me over my shock and fear of what had happened in 2016.  When 2020 initially looked like it would repeat that horror, there was no such promise because there was no Dutchman.  I mean he exists.  He's just not with me.  I'm getting ready to finish another semester in Dutch and sign up for the second class of second year Dutch which is kinda great but I need people to practice with that are close to my age.  I was the oldest one last year but there were only a few of us and I had a good connection with my instructor which helped.  We shared a lot of content related to class but that was from other sources.  I've gone off track, there's no Dutchman for me.

And I'm only horny randomly which is awkward at best.  When I'm connected to someone I'm more sexual in general but outside of a few dreams and some stress relief sessions it's kinda boring around here on that front.  I miss it but not sure I'm holding my breath for the next person that lights my proverbial fire.


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I wonder

Friday, October 16, 2020 No comments

I wonder if you think about rolling my nipples between your fingers. I wonder if you daydream about me moaning your name when they start to harden. If you ponder on the breathy sigh that comes from my lips as my brain begins to relax. If you are interested in figuring out when my whimpers mean I have had enough versus let me do whatever you want me to do Sir. I wonder if you see my juices on your dick when you close your eyes and stroke yourself nice and slow. I ponder if you dream about chaining me to the wall above the bed and toying with me until you're exhausted and I am a puddle. I wonder these things as my hands take me over the edge and I wonder what it will take to get you to make my idle thoughts a vivid memory for both of us. 


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Late night thoughts

Sunday, October 11, 2020 No comments

 I should be asleep but I took a nap earlier so I am just now getting tired. I needed that nap but dang I hate being awake with no one to talk to. And this didn't feel like an orgasm will make me sleepy night. I have had a few of those lately. Thanks to pornhub for providing button buzzing material. It's made me think a lot about trying to fall asleep with someone sucking on my pussy.  I like the thought but there's no one around to make it reality. Plus I enjoy oral sex but I like being on the giving end more than the receiving end. It was actually how former partners threatened to pull submission from me. Making me cum against my will. It worked well and I was much better behaved because there's a point where I don't want to be the target of pleasure. Really right now I would like a snuggle quickie. Hard and fast then off to sleep. 




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Fuck you John Baku

Sunday, October 04, 2020 1 comment

I have been on FetLife probably at least a decade, just checked I signed up in December of 2008.  I migrated over there after Dark Connections shuttered it's very active message board and sent us over to Fet to create a new home.  That's fine.  We had a built in community upon arrival which was great.  However, slowly but surely it died out and I was left to the wilds of Fet on my own.  There are POC, in particular Black, kinksters there they have definitely ebbed and flowed with activity over that time and the new younger group that is emerging now feel like they could be my kids so while we can have some interesting conversations they aren't the reason I would stay in a place because we are having entirely different experiences in kink right now.  I met my last Dominant partners through Fet so in lots of ways it gave me some things I may not have found elsewhere because I tend to live in rural areas with limited opportunities to find kinky people who look like me.

Even with all of that though I have been on and intermittently active on the site because there seems to be a weird current of white guy douchery happening with no ways to block yourself from it.  I've seen young Black women asking desperately to be able to hide themselves from race players who approach them aggressively and still can be a problem even after a block hammer.  Some of those people float into groups spewing hatred and foolishness but they aren't really punished.  At worst they are kicked out of the group.  I've had to block people myself who just want to show me their dick pictures with no warning and gotten aggressive because I don't want to indulge their jungle fever fantasies.  So I was already having conflicting feelings about remaining in a space that didn't seem to be nurturing who I am in this moment.

And then the fearless leader of Fetlife started an unnecessary and ultimately stupid/painful/divisive post in his "decision making process" (consider those air quotes not direct quotes) about whether or not people should be free to explore Fet free of political conversation or not.  He largely ignored the POC and LGBTQ members asking why this was even under consideration if he wasn't going to also address the racists, Nazis and transphobic/homophobic people on the site.  And then he just turned the thread off and went to bed.  The next day he initially joked about it being a system test before later saying he had been serious but wasn't going to do it based on feedback so there PC warriors be happy.  I definitely cannot code for shit and I don't want to pretend to deal with some of the issues that running a site of that size would require.  At an earlier point, I happily supported Fet when they were facing issues because I was grateful for the space.  But this weekend was just peak white fuckboy and I am super done.  I don't engage there enough as it is to stay when I am so actively disgusted with leadership.  So yeah Fuck You John Baku.  I doubt he cares about the folks like me that are super done with the site especially since he already has the money we gave up willingly.  If you want to know what I'm up to just follow me here.  I doubt there will be any photos posted here like on Fet but who knows.  If I can figure out how to lock them down you just may.  For now deuces to spaces that don't embrace us.


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One time for Amy Winehouse & Sade

Friday, September 11, 2020 No comments

When I am  muddling through things in my brain I tend to hear songs playing randomly.  Kiss of Life by Sade was dominating for the last few days until I remembered the hook from one Amy's songs.

"Although my pride is not easily disturbed, you sent me flying when you kicked me to the curb."

To be clear this is not the ended of a new relationship just me processing through all of the emotions I need to so I can put one to bed permanently.  Recognizing patterns here again and my need to beat up on myself when things don't work out even when I had little to do with it not working out in the first place.  That doesn't mean I am blameless.  Just that I was taking on some things that were not mine because that's what my brain does when I feel unwanted.  Clarity is a wonderful gift even if it does not erase the pain that was involved.  I appreciate that I'm not sobbing uncontrollably like I did when things really felt over.  But now it's just kinda like meh, what can I do with all of this untapped emotion.  I'm working on that now.  I'm writing and I'm working and I'm minding my business.  That's all I can do right now.  Now I'm about to go light my candles, and sip on something before I cuss out my permanent roommate.


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Sitting in my peace

Saturday, August 29, 2020 No comments

There are days I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed.  Sleeping was good, dreams were good and no one could piss me the fuck off.  If you are my Fetlife friend, you may have correctly guessed that was one of those days.  After a rough week of just being Black in America and then losing my brother from another mother in Chadwick Boseman I was in literally no mood for fuckery today.  Today thankfully though I got a delayed text from my niece.  Then I chatted with my brother for a bit and was reminded that he's a good father and my nieces are very lucky.  I did my Dutch homework and chatted with a friend and slowly but surely my mood tamped down a bit.  I wrote a piece for my job and then I felt a little spent and with me and my anger that's a good thing.  I've lit several sage candles that have now started pushing out their scent and I feel much better.  

So what you may have gathered is I'm a hard woman to date and that if I love you it take a lot for me to stop loving you.  One of those love hard girls if you will.  But when my brain starts to put together that those paranoid emotional tirades were likely more factual than they were not, I get pissed.  I understand my brain.  I know that I overthink and that every now and then I will need you to assure me that I'm overreacting and things are good.  The only complication is if my heart interferes and tells my brain to hold on longer than my brain logically knows is good for any of us.  This is a lot of delayed grief I'm starting to figure out.  I had so much shit to do over the last few years between mom's health and working toward promotion and what not that my relationship brain was not processing all the stuff it needs to when it realizes things are over.  And that's where we sit now.  Processing and breathing in sage to return to calm.

As E. Lynn so eloquently stated, this too shall pass.  It will and I need to take care of myself and my mood swings until it does.


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New Month, Old Me

Monday, August 17, 2020 No comments

 I've been chatting it up with one of my exes a lot lately.  Mostly as I process and work through complicated grieving I'm having related to another ex.  That's awkward at best but it's been useful.  I probably need to sage this space as I told grief invoking ex that too much of it reminds me of him which is annoying as shit.  Sorry got distracted looking for smudge kits.  Might have to just go with candles since I have a permanent nosy roommate who I can't send anywhere right now thanks to COVID.  My mind is stuck on random because I just recalled GIE promising to hurt me so I could cope with what I thought would be a traumatic horrific presidency that has been so fucking much worse than I imagined.

I have been reading and getting ready for another rough month of work that I hope doesn't turn into a cluster fuck since our working from home phase is about to end.  I've also been cooking and baking and guess what, literally tired of all that shit right now too.  What I want to do is sleep in, eat meals people bring me, fuck to work off said meals, and explore how much pain I can tolerate on a regular basis.  But nope I'm just in the house, annoyed, afraid that the next election will go like the last election and that I won't have the option to get the hell out of dodge now that an American passport is essentially useless.

And work is testing my patience because I allegedly have a tone when I'm asking pointed questions without sugar coating them.  Fuck it I'm too tired to care.  I miss having an attentive Dom but I didn't always enjoy too much attention.  I'm a check in regularly not daily girl.  blahhhhh, fuck it I'm going to go plan tomorrow's dinner.


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Surprised Me

Wednesday, July 29, 2020 No comments
So my book has been published since early this year and I haven't really been tracking anything related to it.  No one reached out to me and said I hate you and it so I was good with that.  Turns out though people are buying my little smutty collection and I haven't made a ton of money but I've made enough they are sending me random deposits for sales and reads through Kindle Unlimited.  Not a lot of sales through the Kindle though so I'm going to run a week long promotion that starts tomorrow.  The eBook will be for sale for 99 cents from 8AM EST until midnight on August 5 (turning into August 6).  If you are more paperback centric let me know.  I can't run a promotion on the paperback because it's smutty lol but I may do a week long price drop on that one too.

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After that my guess is you'll never hear from him again

Thursday, July 23, 2020 No comments
This will be a quickie. I worked most of the day. Read a book and had a good orgasm which as usual made me think about one ex or the other. So I did what nosy girls do and looked him up. Saw something I wasn't expecting but whatever I needed to break finally did. I think I am ready for whatever is coming next.

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the sub who thought too much

Monday, June 29, 2020 No comments
I should totally be asleep but that is clearly not my lot in life right now.  Work through life off for me and probably everyone else a few months ago.  That was good.  It didn't give me time to think about my love life or submission or anything that basic.  I had to worry about taking care of mom and keeping us healthy and figuring out how to do my job from my living room table instead of my quiet office.  That is coming to an end--that you all deities that heard my prayers--for the most part on Tuesday.  That doesn't mean there aren't other things on tap but nothing that requires that much of my mental energy so I'm back to my insomnia fits and pondering life again.  That brings us to now and I don't know how long this is going to be so if you read after the break it is all on you.


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Lessons in the Early Phase of the Lockdown

Thursday, March 26, 2020 No comments
So i am not above saying i learn things in random places.  i was watching Marriage Boot Camp Hip Hop Edition randomly tonight and it was a very protracted moment of watching our childhood and past pivotal moments shape our future/present.  They focused in specifically on what the messaging or chaos around us during that time frame keep being embedded in how we move forward.  To be clear the kids versions of themselves had some fucked up things happen and i can see how it plays into who they are now.  as i cried with and for them i was wondering if my messaging was still problematic.  Yep totally is but it's a messy thing to break down.  i wasn't homeless or abused.  my parents marriage was weird.  i didn't know why but i knew something was off.  i may have mentioned it here before.  They loved on us, my brother and i, but not really with each other save after a fight.   They rarely fought though.  They just kind of coexisted.  Looking back now i know that my dad was cheating and even though mom couldn't prove it for a long minute she was unhappy.  However, feeling like your husband might be cheating wasn't a good enough reason to leave him per my grandmother so my mom stayed.  Eventually they separated cause dad was really really cheating and my mom took it as a failure on her part even though she had long wanted out.  This is where my kid self needed an intervention.  What i learned from both of my parents was equally problematic from a long-term relationship perspective. 


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je suis fatigue, ich bin mude, ik ben moe, i am tired

Sunday, February 23, 2020 No comments
if you can only read one of those languages they all translate to the same thing.  i am tired.  i have been tired  the whole month.  my fault for having too much to do, not enough time to do it and squeezing in a visit to see my family right before a big personal anniversary as well.  there has been a lot of loss recently too which is also taking a toll and i'm not sure i will be able to start playing catch up with any of this before next month.  what i'd like is some cuddle time watching a movie after i make dinner with the selected cuddle victim, maybe a good spanking or breath play, and then some sleep.  i'm not even terribly horny which is how i understand i'm very tired.  that plus that horny switch can just be decimated for me if i'm not intellectually engaged with someone.  a vacation might help but i think i'm back where i was a few days ago in that skin hunger phase.  i miss connection and it makes me tired.

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So i did a thing: The Alphabet Game is now a book

Tuesday, January 28, 2020 No comments
i can't remember when i exactly pulled down the stories i wrote for Roaming Soldier and Mr. Good Nyte but it was a while ago because i just had the impulse to get them published.  However, i also had work and other stuff happening so i didn't get around to it.  i did pay for an editor and i swear i looked at none of that over the last few days.  My brain got pressured to just let them go.  i ran a spell and grammar check.  i used some new phrases for some things and then i went looking for the easiest way to get from my flash drive to you.  That turned out to be Amazon's self publishing service.  i had to mock up a new cover and resubmit because as a friend pointed out it was kind of generic.  So I present you with links to my only book of erotica out there right now.

The ebook/Kindle version is here: The Alphabet Game

The paperback is here: The Alphabet Game

In either case you won't pay more than 10 bucks to grab either version and it's a whole 11 bucks if you want them both.  i hope you enjoy them but if not i can't control that really.  It was time to let them go.

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life is short, inspiration strikes in odd places

Monday, January 27, 2020 No comments
Hey all.  Unless you just totally checked out from all forms of media then you heard about the sudden and tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter, at least three members of another family and four other people.  Kobe wasn't my dude but he reminds me of lots of men in my life and it made me sad.  When i make it to bed tonight i will send out a longer prayer for all involved because life is altered in ways no one can really speak to right now. 

That news, plus other conversations i've had recently have made me take next steps on a long delayed idea.  As soon as it's finalized, i will release more details but i am trying to do better this year.

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last year was complicated the finale

Thursday, January 09, 2020 No comments
so you've heard about work and you've heard about my relationships.  just an update about me and i can't say this will be all that long.  January marked the six month point in growing out my locs.  They were healthy but still a little thin and of course not completely settled.  They look amazing now so i'm loving that i went that route and my hair is happy and healthy.  My weight went up and down and by the end of the year i just didn't give a crap cause i was tired.  Last year was another just give it a try and see what happens thing.  i took a Dutch class and i'm signed up for part two this spring.  i cooked a lot more and experimented with different recipes.  i signed up for a mystery vacation so someone else plans my trip and i just go.  i rocked out at a P!nk concert and bought tickets for two concerts this year, Jill Scott and Maroon 5, and may get a few more in.  i got rid of things and decided to try drum lessons which started this month.  Like i'm happy.  i realized tonight after coming in for the day that i'm legitimately happy and i can't say when i felt like that last.  Maybe i needed to write this to cleanse last year but it feels like a lot of heavy things have been shed.  So yeah that's everything.  i doubt you have any questions but if you do fire away.

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last year was complicated part two

my last post was all about relationships this will be about work.  long and short of it, it was a mixed bag.  one of the highlights of the year, my international trip, literally had me ready to quit and i cussed out at least three folks out about how it all went down when we got back.  like i legit started applying for new jobs and have gotten more interviews than i thought i might and there's a job in the pocket if they keep tap dancing on my nerves.  i don't feel bad about that at all by the way.  working with folks that work on your spirit badly is not great. 

other than that i'm crushing work.  i did get the promotion that was held up longer than i thought it would be.  i had to fight for compensation for some work i did over the summer but i got it.  screw that playing nice with folks.  i took more trips with more young folks that went well even though i was exhausted and we presented on that later and the donors who granted us funds think i'm effing amazing so there's that. and i put forward new initiatives and conducted more trainings and gave a ton of presentations which are leading to more presentations. 

i love my job, i don't like a chunk of my coworkers.  i appreciate that no job will be perfect but save making my own ideal work situation which would be difficult at best to pull off and still take care of my family i gotta figure out what the options are for the future but i'm still looking.  so yeah work much less complicated than relationships ha.



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last year was complicated part one

Sunday, January 05, 2020 No comments
and yes i did totally steal that from Nick Jonas.  As an aside as i was making sure that it was Nick and the title was correct, i found out that he had done a bunch of Youtube videos about making the album and on it he mentions meeting his eventual wife in a bit of a he might have goofed up kind of way.  It was sweet and made me reflect on why i was hunting for the title.  Some years i'm on autopilot and keeping things together is easy enough.  Granted those don't happen enough but they do happen.  Last years was for fuck's sake not one of those years.  Getting into all of it in one post would take forever so i am going to break this up.  Because it will be the most bleh to break down let's start with relationships: romantic, friendships and work.


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when you miss the thing you didn't really want

Thursday, January 02, 2020 No comments
it's a new year and i am surely not going to pretend to be a new me.  i'm the old me.  tired, too busy, and needing to slow down all the time.  i have a bit over the holidays.  i've cooked a lot, baked a lot, experimented with things, cleaned up, threw things away and in general indulged in any food that i wanted to have.  i did some binge watching induced by the annual Twilight Zone marathon and tonight i've been listening to music and having a small drink.  i did some random snooping on fetlife to see how Mr. Wolf was doing.  He seems to be doing well.  His girls are happy and He appears to have a solid thing happening now.  for a minute i legit felt a pang of what i can only call jealously and then i remembered something.  what i want isn't want He wanted.  not really.  there were lots of areas of overlap but there were serious points of difference.  and i'll admit there's some places where i don't think we'd ever really come to a full understanding so legit i can't begrudge Him a happy time with whomever He chooses.  timing was not ideal but when is it ever a good time to release someone.  it was the final nail in the imploding coffin and i still had another few months of crap to deal with it before everything was settled.  i started looking for a new job in the middle of that too.  the only thing i didn't do was something dramatic with my hair cause i wasn't a year into the locs yet so that could have gone badly.  i'm in a better place now so i can say i didn't have as strong as a reaction as i might have six months ago.  life has settled so i can be more pragmatic about things.  so yeah had a moment. figured i should work through it and now i'm going back to the last few hours of the Twilight Zone binge fest and then get up and go shopping for new pots and pans and maybe dishes.

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