Lessons in the Early Phase of the Lockdown

Thursday, March 26, 2020 No comments
So i am not above saying i learn things in random places.  i was watching Marriage Boot Camp Hip Hop Edition randomly tonight and it was a very protracted moment of watching our childhood and past pivotal moments shape our future/present.  They focused in specifically on what the messaging or chaos around us during that time frame keep being embedded in how we move forward.  To be clear the kids versions of themselves had some fucked up things happen and i can see how it plays into who they are now.  as i cried with and for them i was wondering if my messaging was still problematic.  Yep totally is but it's a messy thing to break down.  i wasn't homeless or abused.  my parents marriage was weird.  i didn't know why but i knew something was off.  i may have mentioned it here before.  They loved on us, my brother and i, but not really with each other save after a fight.   They rarely fought though.  They just kind of coexisted.  Looking back now i know that my dad was cheating and even though mom couldn't prove it for a long minute she was unhappy.  However, feeling like your husband might be cheating wasn't a good enough reason to leave him per my grandmother so my mom stayed.  Eventually they separated cause dad was really really cheating and my mom took it as a failure on her part even though she had long wanted out.  This is where my kid self needed an intervention.  What i learned from both of my parents was equally problematic from a long-term relationship perspective. 


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je suis fatigue, ich bin mude, ik ben moe, i am tired

Sunday, February 23, 2020 No comments
if you can only read one of those languages they all translate to the same thing.  i am tired.  i have been tired  the whole month.  my fault for having too much to do, not enough time to do it and squeezing in a visit to see my family right before a big personal anniversary as well.  there has been a lot of loss recently too which is also taking a toll and i'm not sure i will be able to start playing catch up with any of this before next month.  what i'd like is some cuddle time watching a movie after i make dinner with the selected cuddle victim, maybe a good spanking or breath play, and then some sleep.  i'm not even terribly horny which is how i understand i'm very tired.  that plus that horny switch can just be decimated for me if i'm not intellectually engaged with someone.  a vacation might help but i think i'm back where i was a few days ago in that skin hunger phase.  i miss connection and it makes me tired.

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So i did a thing: The Alphabet Game is now a book

Tuesday, January 28, 2020 No comments
i can't remember when i exactly pulled down the stories i wrote for Roaming Soldier and Mr. Good Nyte but it was a while ago because i just had the impulse to get them published.  However, i also had work and other stuff happening so i didn't get around to it.  i did pay for an editor and i swear i looked at none of that over the last few days.  My brain got pressured to just let them go.  i ran a spell and grammar check.  i used some new phrases for some things and then i went looking for the easiest way to get from my flash drive to you.  That turned out to be Amazon's self publishing service.  i had to mock up a new cover and resubmit because as a friend pointed out it was kind of generic.  So I present you with links to my only book of erotica out there right now.

The ebook/Kindle version is here: The Alphabet Game

The paperback is here: The Alphabet Game

In either case you won't pay more than 10 bucks to grab either version and it's a whole 11 bucks if you want them both.  i hope you enjoy them but if not i can't control that really.  It was time to let them go.

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life is short, inspiration strikes in odd places

Monday, January 27, 2020 No comments
Hey all.  Unless you just totally checked out from all forms of media then you heard about the sudden and tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter, at least three members of another family and four other people.  Kobe wasn't my dude but he reminds me of lots of men in my life and it made me sad.  When i make it to bed tonight i will send out a longer prayer for all involved because life is altered in ways no one can really speak to right now. 

That news, plus other conversations i've had recently have made me take next steps on a long delayed idea.  As soon as it's finalized, i will release more details but i am trying to do better this year.

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last year was complicated the finale

Thursday, January 09, 2020 No comments
so you've heard about work and you've heard about my relationships.  just an update about me and i can't say this will be all that long.  January marked the six month point in growing out my locs.  They were healthy but still a little thin and of course not completely settled.  They look amazing now so i'm loving that i went that route and my hair is happy and healthy.  My weight went up and down and by the end of the year i just didn't give a crap cause i was tired.  Last year was another just give it a try and see what happens thing.  i took a Dutch class and i'm signed up for part two this spring.  i cooked a lot more and experimented with different recipes.  i signed up for a mystery vacation so someone else plans my trip and i just go.  i rocked out at a P!nk concert and bought tickets for two concerts this year, Jill Scott and Maroon 5, and may get a few more in.  i got rid of things and decided to try drum lessons which started this month.  Like i'm happy.  i realized tonight after coming in for the day that i'm legitimately happy and i can't say when i felt like that last.  Maybe i needed to write this to cleanse last year but it feels like a lot of heavy things have been shed.  So yeah that's everything.  i doubt you have any questions but if you do fire away.

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last year was complicated part two

my last post was all about relationships this will be about work.  long and short of it, it was a mixed bag.  one of the highlights of the year, my international trip, literally had me ready to quit and i cussed out at least three folks out about how it all went down when we got back.  like i legit started applying for new jobs and have gotten more interviews than i thought i might and there's a job in the pocket if they keep tap dancing on my nerves.  i don't feel bad about that at all by the way.  working with folks that work on your spirit badly is not great. 

other than that i'm crushing work.  i did get the promotion that was held up longer than i thought it would be.  i had to fight for compensation for some work i did over the summer but i got it.  screw that playing nice with folks.  i took more trips with more young folks that went well even though i was exhausted and we presented on that later and the donors who granted us funds think i'm effing amazing so there's that. and i put forward new initiatives and conducted more trainings and gave a ton of presentations which are leading to more presentations. 

i love my job, i don't like a chunk of my coworkers.  i appreciate that no job will be perfect but save making my own ideal work situation which would be difficult at best to pull off and still take care of my family i gotta figure out what the options are for the future but i'm still looking.  so yeah work much less complicated than relationships ha.



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last year was complicated part one

Sunday, January 05, 2020 No comments
and yes i did totally steal that from Nick Jonas.  As an aside as i was making sure that it was Nick and the title was correct, i found out that he had done a bunch of Youtube videos about making the album and on it he mentions meeting his eventual wife in a bit of a he might have goofed up kind of way.  It was sweet and made me reflect on why i was hunting for the title.  Some years i'm on autopilot and keeping things together is easy enough.  Granted those don't happen enough but they do happen.  Last years was for fuck's sake not one of those years.  Getting into all of it in one post would take forever so i am going to break this up.  Because it will be the most bleh to break down let's start with relationships: romantic, friendships and work.


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when you miss the thing you didn't really want

Thursday, January 02, 2020 No comments
it's a new year and i am surely not going to pretend to be a new me.  i'm the old me.  tired, too busy, and needing to slow down all the time.  i have a bit over the holidays.  i've cooked a lot, baked a lot, experimented with things, cleaned up, threw things away and in general indulged in any food that i wanted to have.  i did some binge watching induced by the annual Twilight Zone marathon and tonight i've been listening to music and having a small drink.  i did some random snooping on fetlife to see how Mr. Wolf was doing.  He seems to be doing well.  His girls are happy and He appears to have a solid thing happening now.  for a minute i legit felt a pang of what i can only call jealously and then i remembered something.  what i want isn't want He wanted.  not really.  there were lots of areas of overlap but there were serious points of difference.  and i'll admit there's some places where i don't think we'd ever really come to a full understanding so legit i can't begrudge Him a happy time with whomever He chooses.  timing was not ideal but when is it ever a good time to release someone.  it was the final nail in the imploding coffin and i still had another few months of crap to deal with it before everything was settled.  i started looking for a new job in the middle of that too.  the only thing i didn't do was something dramatic with my hair cause i wasn't a year into the locs yet so that could have gone badly.  i'm in a better place now so i can say i didn't have as strong as a reaction as i might have six months ago.  life has settled so i can be more pragmatic about things.  so yeah had a moment. figured i should work through it and now i'm going back to the last few hours of the Twilight Zone binge fest and then get up and go shopping for new pots and pans and maybe dishes.

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