Sitting in my peace

Saturday, August 29, 2020 No comments

There are days I wonder why I even bothered to get out of bed.  Sleeping was good, dreams were good and no one could piss me the fuck off.  If you are my Fetlife friend, you may have correctly guessed that was one of those days.  After a rough week of just being Black in America and then losing my brother from another mother in Chadwick Boseman I was in literally no mood for fuckery today.  Today thankfully though I got a delayed text from my niece.  Then I chatted with my brother for a bit and was reminded that he's a good father and my nieces are very lucky.  I did my Dutch homework and chatted with a friend and slowly but surely my mood tamped down a bit.  I wrote a piece for my job and then I felt a little spent and with me and my anger that's a good thing.  I've lit several sage candles that have now started pushing out their scent and I feel much better.  

So what you may have gathered is I'm a hard woman to date and that if I love you it take a lot for me to stop loving you.  One of those love hard girls if you will.  But when my brain starts to put together that those paranoid emotional tirades were likely more factual than they were not, I get pissed.  I understand my brain.  I know that I overthink and that every now and then I will need you to assure me that I'm overreacting and things are good.  The only complication is if my heart interferes and tells my brain to hold on longer than my brain logically knows is good for any of us.  This is a lot of delayed grief I'm starting to figure out.  I had so much shit to do over the last few years between mom's health and working toward promotion and what not that my relationship brain was not processing all the stuff it needs to when it realizes things are over.  And that's where we sit now.  Processing and breathing in sage to return to calm.

As E. Lynn so eloquently stated, this too shall pass.  It will and I need to take care of myself and my mood swings until it does.


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New Month, Old Me

Monday, August 17, 2020 No comments

 I've been chatting it up with one of my exes a lot lately.  Mostly as I process and work through complicated grieving I'm having related to another ex.  That's awkward at best but it's been useful.  I probably need to sage this space as I told grief invoking ex that too much of it reminds me of him which is annoying as shit.  Sorry got distracted looking for smudge kits.  Might have to just go with candles since I have a permanent nosy roommate who I can't send anywhere right now thanks to COVID.  My mind is stuck on random because I just recalled GIE promising to hurt me so I could cope with what I thought would be a traumatic horrific presidency that has been so fucking much worse than I imagined.

I have been reading and getting ready for another rough month of work that I hope doesn't turn into a cluster fuck since our working from home phase is about to end.  I've also been cooking and baking and guess what, literally tired of all that shit right now too.  What I want to do is sleep in, eat meals people bring me, fuck to work off said meals, and explore how much pain I can tolerate on a regular basis.  But nope I'm just in the house, annoyed, afraid that the next election will go like the last election and that I won't have the option to get the hell out of dodge now that an American passport is essentially useless.

And work is testing my patience because I allegedly have a tone when I'm asking pointed questions without sugar coating them.  Fuck it I'm too tired to care.  I miss having an attentive Dom but I didn't always enjoy too much attention.  I'm a check in regularly not daily girl.  blahhhhh, fuck it I'm going to go plan tomorrow's dinner.


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