hallmark movies may restore my fragile hope of love

Thursday, November 26, 2020 No comments

okay that's not true like even a little bit.  i love watching them right now because they are giving me a good cry when i need it or letting me enjoy the simplicity of just going back home to find the love of your life and your purpose.  i've been watching hallmark movies, reading self directed games and a few books over the last few weeks and even when i know it's trite and silly i appreciate that at the end people will be happy and in love and at peace.  and i rewatch or reread some of them because that sense of completion is better than the empty space i have right now in my own head.

i miss someone curled up with me and stealing the covers and snoring next to me when i let them snore next to me.  but given who i am and what i want the likelihood that the right person will materialize soon if ever leads me back to the books and the movies cause at least i know they are there.  and those stop me from reaching out to my exes.  and i need to stop reaching out to my exes.  not because there's nothing happening there but because a tiny piece of me hopes they will figure it out but they won't and like i always say there's a reason that relationship ended.  i don't have a time machine and i don't think the adjustment bureau or the matrix are things for real.  i'd kill for the neuralizer from Men in Black though.  i'm not sure what replacement backstory would be sufficient for my dating life but i'd take it right now.  maybe they could convince me that i'm not really kinky and any man who was attractive and smart would do.  or maybe i would have stayed with my HS ex and gotten him over the proverbial hump.  i'm not sure but wait, yes i am.  i would not have married him record scratch on that foolish ass thought.  well regardless, it would be nice to forget the heartache for a bit.  when that is left uncheck it feels like my heart just becomes brittle waiting for someone to come put it back together. that's a silly thought too.  those moments happen when they are scripted but they don't last for most of us in the real world.  

i have often considered that i'm meant to be single.  i've said as much here and to friends who tell me i'm giving up.  and i think the right person would be able to capture my attention but i don't know where i'd meet him.  dating apps seem like a waste of my time if i'm going to be completely honest on my profile.  i'm pretty sure i'd make a matchmaker's head explode.  prayer hasn't worked and my friends know me well enough to know the folks they know aren't it.  i would say to the universe that i'm ready to find my match but i'm not sure that the universe would provide me stellar options in 2020.  fuck it, universe if you've just been holding off let a sister know.  i'm ready to have someone who is my friend and my partner again.

back to my fictional love landscape.


Back and Forth

Sunday, November 15, 2020 No comments

I am always debating whether or not it's time to let this site go dark.  I don't mind sharing my thoughts but my thoughts on D/s are inconsistent at best.  Mostly because life itself is so overwhelming.  Pandemic, work, sick parent, and taking care of myself all push me out of a submissive headspace.  Add into that there's no one trying to pull me back in, especially after leaving Fetlife, then it's kinda of like what is this space for.  As the election was drawing out I remembered that the Dutchman said he would have to hurt me to get me over my shock and fear of what had happened in 2016.  When 2020 initially looked like it would repeat that horror, there was no such promise because there was no Dutchman.  I mean he exists.  He's just not with me.  I'm getting ready to finish another semester in Dutch and sign up for the second class of second year Dutch which is kinda great but I need people to practice with that are close to my age.  I was the oldest one last year but there were only a few of us and I had a good connection with my instructor which helped.  We shared a lot of content related to class but that was from other sources.  I've gone off track, there's no Dutchman for me.

And I'm only horny randomly which is awkward at best.  When I'm connected to someone I'm more sexual in general but outside of a few dreams and some stress relief sessions it's kinda boring around here on that front.  I miss it but not sure I'm holding my breath for the next person that lights my proverbial fire.