First Week Recap

Sunday, October 24, 2021 No comments


This is the second Sunday post but I wanted to do this because I have been thinking a lot since I posted he earlier prompt.  I opted to make a recap post for the week just to process the whole experience.  I don't know if I'll keep up the whole weekly recap thing but if I do you will see the image above each time.  I likely won't rehash each post so keep that in mind.  If you want to know how I'm responding to each prompt, you have to read that entry.  So let's get into it.


Sunday Afternoon, Rain Is Falling: Prompt 7

This post is probably gonna be rambling after I respond to the prompt: write a letter to yourself five years ago.

October 2016 wow, the timing on these things is intriguing.  The election has not happened yet but you are worried and you were right about all the concerns you had about the country.  You can do little to fix them and things will get much worse before they even begin to crest towards better.  The other thing that you don't know right now is those men you love so fiercely will start slipping away from you very soon.  To be clear, you may have been slipping away from them first.  You were annoyed that Mr. Wolf was not the Dutchman and vice versa if I'm being honest.  You wanted things from each of them they could not give you.  Part of why you didn't get those things is because you can't make people be who you want them to be.  You have told clients that forever.  You have to love who the person is in front of you not who you want them to be.  You struggle with that yourself though and you need to give them some slack for your disappointment.  The other reason you don't get those things is more complex.


Back to Life: Prompt 6

Saturday, October 23, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt is as follows: Think about something you wish you had known ten years ago.  If you could go back and give yourself the advice you needed at the time, how would your life change?

Wow that's kind of heavy to even process.  In 2011, I was still at a job I wasn't loving at that point and that was probably bad for my health.  I was either near the end of or coming out of my relationship with Good Nyte.  I was tired, my mother was stressing me out and I needed things to change.  Had I known that the job would only go on for another few years I may have said fuck it and figured out how to make things work with GN.  I didn't want to be where he relocated like at all but I wasn't loving where I was either.  He and my mother got along which was a massive help.  And we worked well together even if it wasn't always completely smooth.  Making a move for my relationship has never happened.  I seriously considered it with the Dutchman and actively discouraged it with Mr. Wolf.  I didn't want Mr. Wolf to be here because he hated the city and I wouldn't want him to think I'd have more time.  Mom is a time suck.  I didn't relocate because mom is not adaptable.  And that's likely why I didn't chase GN when I could have.  Dealing with her mood swings about minor change can kill my brain cells.  Moving somewhere colder, farther away from family and with the added uncertainty of whether the relationship would resolve in the way I wanted to likely would have been too much.  It's a good thought exercise but I don't know that my life would be different now.  Perhaps I'd be in a different job than I am now but so much of my life is good now because of the decisions I made in the years since.  I guess it could be richer in different ways.  Maybe we would have gotten married and maybe we would have had kids but the travel I've done never would have happened in that case.  I likely wouldn't have discovered some of my more depraved sensibilities.  I'm not sure if we'd be doing D/s at all really.  Lots of unknowns with this one.


The brain is funny: prompt 5

Friday, October 22, 2021 No comments

I saw the prompt for today a few days ago as I was scrolling through the first week and was kinda wrecked.  Thinking about writing it today isn't bothering me and not because I've had time to process it but because my brain isn't being inundated with other emotions at the same time.  So without further stalling, the prompt for today: How long did it take for you to obtain your collar? What process did you go through for your collar?


A Year of Introspection Prompt 3 and 4

Thursday, October 21, 2021 No comments

I am doing both of these now because I forgot about day three and my day four will be a hot mess.  So day three asks the following question: What's the best advice you were ever given.  This has nothing to do with kink in theory but it applies.  And it was that I always had to take care of myself first so that I could take care of the people I care about and do my job well.  Very true statement and when I forget it then parts of my life fall apart.  The problem I sometimes have is that I'm so in my zone that I cannot process anything other than this needs to be done.  I miss my Dominant partner saying sit your dumb ass down before you hurt yourself.  The external perspective works better than my mental flossing.  Dumb I know but it is where I am.


365 Days, Prompt Two

Tuesday, October 19, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What is something you regret doing?

So this will be a weird post.  In theory, I regret nothing.  While my life may not be on fire with excitement and lusty pronouncements, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in if it were not for those past decisions.  They all connect and again the immediate after effects were sometimes grueling but they made me sit here now and ready to tackle the next thing coming.  For the sake of the prompt, I can say that I regret not standing up for myself more.  I have allowed disrespect from family, friends, colleagues and partners to go on longer than it should have.  I have refrained from trashing other people while I know they were doing the same thing to me elsewhere.  And I have let people have misconceptions of me because it wasn't worth it to me to correct it.  To my mind, if they really wanted to know they would come to me but they didn't so yeah.  I know part of my letting things ride is because of how my irritation, rightful though it may be, is read as anger and out of proportion to what is actually happening.  With partners, I'm sure my submissive brain is short circuiting about how we went from me being desired and valuable to discarded and replaced.  But I didn't see any reason to rail against them either because the people that enjoyed them wouldn't believe me and I would just look like the bitter ex.  So maybe what I regret is having to manage my image with people that only care to see one side of my existence and everything else is unacceptable. 


Working on me for a bit

Monday, October 18, 2021 No comments

I posted on fet yesterday that I regret not doing more to grow as a submissive over the last few years and you know me, well some of you do, I had to go do something about that.  I don't know that the discussion prompts will get me there but it was a good use of 14 bucks so we'll see what happens.  I may not write daily because I'm forgetful but I will write.  So here is day one's prompt: What is one of your earliest memories when your submissiveness came to the surface?

So you think I would have forgotten this because I wasn't really aware of what submission was or that it was something that Black women did but that is not the case.  My first fully fleshed out memory of my submissive tendencies coming out was when I was in high school.  I started dated a young man we will just call Barry for the sake of this blog.  Barry and I were every teenage girl's fantasy made manifest.  He was cute, he was funny, everyone liked him and he loved me.  In that teenage way that you are aware you are loved, I knew I was loved.  His mother loved me and my parents begrudgingly accepted the young man that had stolen my heart.  He was intermittently the cutest thing ever and then slightly aggressive but mostly sexually.  It was never in a way that I felt coerced but that I felt like I'd be giving him a gift if we explored whatever it was.  Those requests started to elicit my let me serve you impulse.  He didn't have the knowledge and I didn't have the language to push it beyond the sexual arena.  He pushed my protector brain switch too.  Men that make me feel safe always make my girly bits take flight and my heart right along with it.  So because of him I tried lots of things I wouldn't have and didn't before.  We tried anal, threesomes, role play an a bit of polyamory.  That's probably where we fell apart, well one of the reasons we fell apart.  What I hadn't picked up on when we were together was he fed on my devotion to him and the subtle ways in which I need him.  Barry's problem was he kinda like that vibe in his relationships and without me around he began seeing an ex again who ended up going AWOL trying to maintain their love.  I can roll my eyes and shake my head now but I was hurt at the time thinking all these boundaries we had crossed together only to see that it mattered more to me than him.  However, I can look back now and realize how much I miss serving and submitting to someone and what that lack of connection does to my mood when I explore it.  I forgave him years ago--told him as much on my thank you for teaching me about this aspect of love tour--but I think I need to forgive myself too for not knowing what was triggering me then and why I have pursued certain kinds of men since.  Ahh well, day one down.


maybe i'm drowning

i couldn't articulate what i was thinking earlier today while waiting on a response from someone.  the truth of the matter is i feel like i'm drowning.  not literally of course because i can swim and without some assistance i'd probably make it to the shoreline or edge of the pool.  however, i'm drowning in the figurative sense and i cannot figure out how to stop it.  feeling anything again, as opposed to shutting everything down so i could just get through life, has been a hodgepodge of fuckery.  some days i'm high as a kite and wanting to be hurt and demeaned.  other days i'm insecure and needy and just really want to cuddle with the person that i know will soon want to hurt and demean me.  and there are other days i just feel so overwhelmed by whatever it is i'm thinking and feeling that i vacillate from being tearful to angry to convinced that whatever shot i had at being with someone is over and i'll only find someone new if i accept whomever shows interest in me.


this is still my safe place

Friday, October 15, 2021 No comments

you've been getting lots of posts from me lately and this is for one reason.  even though this page is open to literally everyone, this is still my safe haven.  i don't feel as exposed here.  honestly no matter what google analytics says i'm pretty sure only a few of you pop over here and you don't stay very long to explore.  posting on fetish boards just draws in a lot of attention that i don't always want as i'm processing my thoughts.  i've been talking to Mr. Good Nyte and The Dutchman off and on for the last few weeks and each conversation throws my brain into different spaces.  they aren't doing anything deliberate--at least not Mr. Good Nyte--but you know my brain likes to overwork literally everything. 


realizations and frustrations

Sunday, October 10, 2021 No comments

i like anonymity, clearly, and because of my race, occupation and family structure then without it i run the risk of losing everything i really care about.  i've been reflecting a lot lately on what i lose maintaining that anonymity.  parts of my body are shared with the universe but never my face.  my partners never get to share photos of me on social media that display our dynamic accurately.  i've only taken like serious photos with one and that was likely a decade ago.  my ideal photo shoot will never take place more than likely.  a cuffed, bound, leashed version of me will never be immortalized fully.   my tear stained face has maybe only been captured once and that was because that partner was "greedy" and enjoying all the new ways he could torment me.  i know what i have asked for and why i do it.  i miss not being on display though.  it's a weird dichotomy in my brain.  i want to be fully owned and claimed but i need to maintain my privacy before pervy colleagues try to exploit what they see as a vulnerability.  life would be oodles simpler if i was just a straight girl who liked straight guys and wanted nothing more than to settle down, have babies, and live in a house we can sorta kinda barely afford.  but that's not where my brain rests and it causes havoc in the end.

i realized something else today when i saw a photo.  one of my exes is the super perverted way more depraved version of a different ex.  not sure why that popped in my head today.  They don't look alike.  They have very little in common.  but the photo made my brain go so yeah you're a dumbass for missing this for such a long time.  then my brain went so you know that means you just keep finding men who are not able to really be with you because you just ended up dating the more extreme version of that one.  i don't know if that's entirely true but you know submissive brains can go zero to homeless (or dom-less in this case) in a nanosecond.  and if you didn't know that now you do.  this is one of those moments i wish i was in a kinky hallmark movie.  i could wake up and have a do over.  i'm not sure who i would choose instead or if i would be allowed to choose at all.  but i'm frustrated that even the digital game versions of me are being tied up and fucked well while i'm sorting through is there someone willing to give me what i want in a relationship at all.  for real y'all, digital me is getting the business.  ahh well it will be whatever it is in the end right.


time for a change

Saturday, October 09, 2021 No comments

At least this one is planned and anticipated.  I spent some time today starting to work through my old clothes.  I still have a ton to do but I had been putting it off.  We're going to be moving soon and it's time to leave some of these things behind.  Another t-shirt quilt may be in the offing.  Some clothes will make their way to the donation bin.  I'm looking at other things, old books and old tech that will probably just be trashed.  The one thing about being in one place for a while is you accumulate things.  As a younger person, I was holding on to things just in case and really they were great for memories when I touched them.  But most of these things are tucked away for months or years at a time and it doesn't help me to hold on to them.  I want to take as little with me as humanly possible.  I want to add things to this new home that fits that space and not cram what we have been carrying along with us for 20 plus years and making it fit into the new space.  That doesn't mean everything will be abandoned but in order to build a space that makes sense for this phase of our lives.  Convincing my forever roommate of that is an ongoing process but it's going to be necessary.  We need to see what life looks like with fresh energy and pieces that fit where we are going not where we have been.  I'm excited about each of us having our own space in this new home and a big backyard.  Gonna need to sage it and bless it but it's a chance for growth in a space we chose because we wanted to not because we were pressed for time.  I'm feeling like that in other parts of my life as well.  I'm enjoying the pull back approach.  I'll find the right person at the right time.  Until then, I'll enjoy flirting a bit and killing kittens when I need to (umm please read my blog before you think I'm a weirdo murdering kittens.  It's an ongoing joke).


still processing me

Wednesday, October 06, 2021 No comments

the last few days has been annoying.  i was notified by my job that i was a close contact and needed to be aware of symptoms of COVID and get tested as soon as i could.  lovely as you tell me sunday around ten and i can't get a test before tuesday morning at that stage.  i can allegedly go to work since i've been vaccinated but last i heard breakthrough infections were a thing and even if i wasn't symptomatic i could shed the virus to other folks so i've been working at home the last few days and hiding from mom so that i didn't accidentally get her sick.  test processed this afternoon and thankfully i'm good a week past exposure.  i may take another one if i start feeling crappy but for right now i'm gonna go with God and enjoy it.

beyond that, i am forcing myself to remain present.  i don't know what is going on with anyone else just like i doubt they knew what was going on with me.  i know what i like and i know that it's unique to me.  i know that i tend to be attracted to men that do not on any level function the way i like which is a journey on the struggle bus for my brain and emotions.  today though after i spent time thinking about the people i'm interacting with in the moment that it wasn't healthy to be worried about the things i was worried about.  whatever is meant to be is what will be and nothing more or less.  

i will not meet a nice tall man with an accent in my town anytime soon.  mostly because i go no where, the ones i have met are married and not people i can imagine tying me up or spanking me or drilling me into oblivion.  i likely can't travel anytime soon, even if i was trusting of air travel at the moment, which sucks because i just a 600 dollar flight to my favorite city outside of going home, it would have given me a passport stamp and kept my odd year travel plan in place.  but i can't be gone for a week during a semester especially since one the days i would be gone is a day i have to present albeit virtually at a conference.  i don't know that the person i would likely see would be able to keep themselves distracted while i was a professional without also distracting me.

i really do just have to be okay with not forcing situations to manifest the way i want them to.  i can do that with some things--like getting back to the gym tomorrow.  but i cannot do that in this realm if the relationship is to be with the right person and that person has to assuage my fears and remind me they are a safe harbor for me to rest in whenever i can be with them.  it's a work in process to pull back and stop wanting but i have to do that if i want to be happy and healthy.  plus as i just reminded my ex there are perks to being my person lol.


everything is hard because my brain makes it so lol

Monday, October 04, 2021 No comments


  1. I think too long and too hard about things.  
  2. I pick things apart and wonder what I missed.  
  3. I want people to express themselves the same way I do.  
  4. I realize they won't do that no matter how many times I want that to be the case. 
  5. I try to make peace with what they are able to do.  
  6. I do for like 48 hours and then overreact again.
  7. I really do make peace with it because it's not worth all that angst.
  8. I fixate on someone or something else, usually work. 


Falling Back Into Myself

Saturday, October 02, 2021 No comments


I've been posting a lot lately which I admit is weird after years of being inconsistent at best.  I've been processing things more and instead of mulling them over in my head and driving myself crazy, I update the blog.  Today after I sorted through more adulting I actually did what I planned to do so that I can take better care of myself.  I got up and ran to the gym.  I just did weights today but I felt tension leave my body over the course of the hour or so I was there which is lovely.  I ran into the store to see if they still had my favorite workout pants.  They did not but I grabbed a pair I hope will work.  I almost ran into another store before I looked at the parking lot and said not today Satan.  I had lunch and got started on elements for dinner.  I know it sounds like super basic things and it is.  But when I'm actually attentive to my needs I do these things.  And the more of them I did the more a different facet of my personality got to reemerge.  I haven't had a chance to explore this part as of late because I need to be feeling settled in my submissive personality before I can fully embrace my service side of things.  Even though this is service to myself, I miss Kinky Klaire as I used to call her.  That's the part of me that loves vintage aprons, pinup looks and homemade everything when it comes to food.  This part of me is usually healthier too.  


It's been an interesting day

Friday, October 01, 2021 No comments

I turned off my alarm because this morning I had no meetings and no place to be before 10.  I checked my messages, ignored email, scanned fet, did my morning routine and nodded off again until I really had to be awake.  I was looking forward to hearing from someone and as of yet that has not occurred.  For a moment, that sent my brain into a funky place.  Submissive brain is a weird push pull of anxiety, fear, love, lust and stupid.  My submissive brain is probably all of that plus an off switch.  It takes nearly everything in me to flip the switch off but after the initial tidal wave got going I had no choice.  Just so no one thinks I'm speaking for them, when EYE am intrigued by someone the main thing I need from them is regular communication.  It can be about literally anything but I need it.  If I don't get it, or at least if it's not consistent, then my brain starts to wonder if I was misreading signals.  Were they just being friendly?  Was I not clear enough in my interest? Did I say something that turned them off?  It can overwhelm everything else I need to be thinking about until something else pushes them down and I get distracted.  But the moment there's a bit of downtime, it will come back and come back hard.  Today as I slid into my next duty the downtime crashed with my other irritation which isn't great but at the end of it I was relieved.

I knew I had to be a taxi today because mom can't drive.  I thought we needed to be there earlier than we did but hey whatever that's not a huge deal.  Her appointments tire me out because she legit forgets things and then gets upset when I fill in.  Traffic was a mess leaving so we went the back way and then shit went sideways.  She's not really enjoying being out of the house due to COVID but she also forgets 90 things before I go to pick up the groceries which necessitates a trip inside the store.  For a visual, shopping with my mother is like letting a petulant 13 year old into a shopping area with just enough money to be dangerous but not enough sense to be efficient. Many just want it purchases, almost no actually need it right now purchase and is then frustrated with me because I just wanna go back to bed.  Everything's tucked away and then she realizes she's put something she needs in a box but isn't sure where the box is so won't I go grab it from the store for her.  No I will not, here's some extra leave me alone please and thank you. 

After I ate, I felt better which is a good thing I know.  But the other thing happened, my subbie brain finally said girl I'm tired.  And honestly so was the rest of me.  It's pointless to wonder if you're enough for anyone.  They are either going to make it plain and you will get what you need from that moment.  Or they are going to do something else.  You, or in this case I, can't cajole them into behaving differently.  In relationships, we all function differently.  I'm sure I can seem needy and clingy to potential partners but there's a reason for that.  It takes me what feels like lifetimes to click with people and even longer to trust them with my submission.  Once I'm in, I'm all in and will let you do nearly anything to me.  I will let you push on boundaries and reshape me a bit.  I will explore the darkest parts of both of us because I'm fascinated by what may arise.  I mean within reason, I'm not insane but I can feel that way when my submissive brain has engaged and is left alone wondering what I'm supposed to do next.  And I was feeling that off and on all day until both I and my brain came to an agreement.  It's not worth it this time.  I have to enjoy my day to day without anyone in it stroking my hind brain into action.  And I have to breathe through my own disappointment without being tugged under a riptide.  So now I'm plotting dinner and am glad that I haven't been stress eating.  Tomorrow may be awash with crazy town but right now I'm gonna chill and enjoy homemade chimichurri.


when exhaustion meets a new stimuli

Thursday, September 30, 2021 No comments

i think i get to go to bed soon.  i say think because honestly the more tired i've been lately the harder it has been to sleep.  that's my standard procedure though.  after being at work late three nights in a row i mistakenly thought i only had a few things to do today.  nope five meetings and teaching.  i would have been asleep right after dinner but my parental unit doesn't like giving herself shots so i had to wait up until she was comfortable with her insulin reading.  that meant two extra hours of being awake and i pray i don't pay for it later.  being barely awake and explaining the psychological components of fisting to a relative stranger triggered my hind brain and i was horny for the rest of the day.  but so tired that only my mind and vagina were having any kind of party.  i won't detail that now because i really do want to go to sleep lol.  booo to Stepford not being real and cloning not being an option yet.


today was well random

Monday, September 27, 2021 No comments

I normally wake up on Mondays with a ton of plans about how I'm gonna conquer the day.  This morning I got up, went to the bathroom, turned off my alarm and said FUCK IT before promptly laying right on back down.  I didn't stay asleep very long before allegedly going through my wake up routine but about an hour into that, back to sleep.  I was woken up by my phone which I need to work on and then went right on back to dicking around but legit refused to get dressed.  I didn't sit up right for good until like 1 o'clock and that was mostly because a coworker called so I was giggling.  I did a lot of random shit I could do from home but I didn't get to my office till an hour before I had to be in a meeting and then as soon as that wrapped up I came right on back home to do more of nothing.  That's not entirely true.  I grabbed groceries and some Sonic and then home.  It's 9:30 ish now and I did a few things to get ready for tomorrow and run a project I need to get back on top of so I can see what can be found.  Outside of that though I seriously wish I could sleep and do nothing for the rest of the week but meetings start tomorrow at 9.  I can't get in a good long orgasm like I did today.  I won't be able to spew my guts to someone randomly.  And I won't be able to admire my nipples while I lounge around half dressed.  I may be able to rub one out in the shower while listening to Sucker For Pain again.  It did make me want to hand over some rope and take a nap while someone got to work on binding me up tight.  Oh well.


i choose me and i know that makes me selfish love

Saturday, September 25, 2021 No comments

rocking out peacefully to some Sam Smith right now.  lots of information has been coming in at me this week when it comes to my relationship patterns and partners.  it's caused some tears, some aggravation, some anger and some catharsis.  i made bad decisions and i need to own some of that.  not in loving my former partners.  there were, and are, very lovable things about each of them.  i just didn't put myself first when as soon as i should.  i waited for them to love me the way i was loving them and that was a mistake.  had either of us put some of those things on pause better things may have happened.  i don't know because i never forced the issue.  i gave ultimatums that i walked back from.  set timelines that i never enforced.  and i kept hoping.  i'm realizing now that's why i folded in on myself when those relationships finally ended.  i had giving all i had to these moments and it wasn't enough.  that's debilitating mentally and emotionally.  this week brought all that back and in a way i wasn't expecting.  i couldn't have loved them through that.  they needed something other than me: time, space, therapy, whatever it is that wasn't me.  logically i understand that and emotionally i am making peace with that because feeling like you failed at loving the person you loved most in the world is a rough pill to swallow.  i wish, in retrospect, that they maybe put themselves first too.  i'm about as secretive as a three year old sneaking cookies.  everything i want is pretty out there in front.  they wouldn't have lost me had they taking time to get healthy and ready.  maybe i wouldn't have met one of the later ones, who knows, but we can't know now because the truth was sad and painful.  but i can burn some sage, have a drink, dry my eyes, and enjoy my music for now.  we'll all going to be okay if we aren't okay right now.  maybe this is the life lesson i was blessed to learn this particular incarnation of my restless spirit.  love hard but be smart.


randomness that is red

Thursday, September 23, 2021 No comments

hey folks,

i'm going to bed after this but i wanted to post something before i went to bed.  i've been randomly horny for the last two weeks.  it has to be balanced against my sleep cycle because last night kittens wanted to die but my snoring wanted to commence immediately.  tonight i was cresting too long and just had to push myself over the edge.  the toy of choice was surprising but not as firm as i expected it to be.  made me think about if this is going to be perpetual and probably not.  inspiration is coming in peaks and valleys apparently.  the valleys around here much more deeper than i expected so don't be surprised if we're back to randomly discussing life as opposed abuse of my girly bits.  and maybe planning my next trip.

bye for now

Came back to add this after waking up and having a jarring conversation. When I choose to submit to someone it's only after overcoming a ton of anxiety and fear that I may not be enough. The only thing I really need from my partner at that stage is consistency and to keep their word. The slow death of a dynamic throws me off for a long time and has nearly driven me from the lifestyle altogether more than once. I don't want to keep repeating pointless patterns. If you don't really want to be what you have presented yourself to be then please leave me alone. I'd appreciate it. Let my fantasy of who you could be overwhelm the reality of who you are. 


can one have a kink muse or am i just an addict?

Sunday, September 19, 2021 No comments


i have been pondering this for the last few days/weeks what have you.  i know that karamel on fet provided all kinds of musings for me at one point but it wasn't in a "submissive, let me splay myself out for you can give over dominion of myself to you" kind of way.  the man is gorgeous. i could and did fantasize about being tied up with his hair which was luscious when it was loose but makes me thirsty now that it's loc'd. and he was intelligent so yeah the lust factor was like on 12.  but it wasn't like a legit hookup was possible and he was lifestyle adjacent not looking for a dominant role in anyone's life from fet.  


so maybe that wasn't post 800

Friday, September 17, 2021 No comments

Just realized I have some hidden posts to make sure the blog displays correctly.  Ha it doesn't matter.  Life is crazy busy lately.  And weird if I'm going to be honest.  Some good things happened and I'm happy about all the new directions things are going.  Some annoying things happened but--and no offense to the folks I know that are sweet and cool--but white folks are being real white.  I still wish the Dark Connections message board was up and running again because Fet is mostly still trash.  They are helping me with my Dutch though so yeah to the cool Dutch folks that I need to hit up later tonight.  But first I need to go to a work thing in my little black dress that is not little because these are work folks.  Mom is still being mom so there's that.  And I am both single and chill about it really. After my last vent, I was told there was a solution which is great but you know once I get in my feelings I can stay there for a bit.  And I was in the middle of talking to new Dutch friends so I wasn't overly worried about it.  But we kept chatting as well and weird thing there too.  I'm good now.  I'm not tripping over myself in love because that ship has sailed.  I do enjoy a good flirt and knowing now that whatever was unresolved there is kinda done. He was going through some things that put me through some things.  Different things than Mr. Wolf, but still things.  I'm not sure The Dutchman and I will be more than random flirty folks but I'm also okay with that.  Life is life, we live on different continents and even if we didn't, he doesn't exude "one woman man" energy.  Not even sure I would want one primary partner going forward either.  I just know that I'm better now.  Can't say why at all but I'll take it for now.  And if I can hookup with this tattoo artist tomorrow I may be getting some new ink soon.  Yeah organized pain.


Post 800, neat

Friday, September 10, 2021 No comments

This blog has been around almost as long as I have allowed myself to engage in the lifestyle.  I renewed the domain not too long ago because I wasn't sure I was ready to let it go.  It, or my place within the lifestyle.  Honestly, I keep playing that about in my head and I'm trying to figure out seriously whether it's time to take the red or blue pill for lack of a better analogy.  There are things that I greatly love about kink relationships and finding my place in that realm has been affirming in unexpected ways.  In that sense a blue pill would take me away from that and let me drift back into very vanilla and thus openly discussed relationship dynamics with everyone in my life.  Nope it wouldn't be as intriguing in some ways but it would be stable and what not.  The red pill has made things more intriguing in some ways.  Mixing pain with the things that make me happy has been amazing.  But finding the right fit has been a struggle and the people that love on me don't hurt me the right way.  There's no spark right now to keep me wishing that the Dominant partner of my dreams is right around the corner.  We'll have to see.

I had to come back and edit this after a rest.  I have loved being a submissive.  I have loved the high of getting to know a new partner.  The dance of figuring out when and how we fit.  The absolute peace of being owned.  The contentment I felt after a good scene.  No part of me wants to let go of those feelings.  However, every part of me is tired of figuring out how to meet new people. Especially as my career moves me further along certain pathways and my time is more and more limited.  I miss coming home to my partner.  Mr. Good Nhyte kind of spoiled me there and that could be why I was so angry with him when he left instead of doing what I asked and moving his family with us.  It would have been a strain but it would have kept us together.  I wouldn't have met the Dutchman or Mr. Wolf but I don't know that it would have been necessary to find them.  I wish I had the chance to find out instead of being displaced emotionally and psychologically for years until I stumbled on the two of them.  And now a few years removed from one and not as many from the other--that may not be true, they both may have formally left for good in 2019 but whatever--I go through these moments when I can clearly identify what it is I'm missing and why and other days I'm just angry that I ended up single again and they--like always--moved on to the next thing and the next thing like I never even mattered.  Yes that happens in the vanilla world but I have never given as much of myself in a vanilla relationship so it's never mattered to me as much when those ended.  Hell I was probably the chronic replacer in that situation which maybe makes all of this my karmic payback.

If you believe in astrology, Chinese or Western, I am borderline fucked in the reincarnation cycle.  According to the Western folks, if I haven't found my person by the end of this life I won't.  I'm at the end of the chase.  I've felt like I was being run through all my previous life fucked up relationships from jump so I don't think that person is here.  I've also thought I must have been a horrible male partner because I've experienced the worst of bullshit relationship drama since I started dating.  Per Chinese folks, I'm not at the end of the cycle per se but this is my last shot to figure it the fuck out.  Otherwise I'll wander through the rest of them all by myself.  At this point, I don't think I need to wander tied up.  Whatever gratification it has given me isn't necessarily being single for the rest of this soul's eons.  Okay I think I'm done again.


I fucking give up

Sunday, September 05, 2021 No comments

I've been crying off and on for the last hour.  It's the culmination of too much stress and not enough love in my life.  The people I reach out to for support have stopped responding.  Almost none of them have reached out to me first over the last year.  The only kinky person that touched base with me over the last month was to let me know that Mr. Wolf had died and still no one more intimately connected to him has said boo to me about that.  I took a risk and reached out to the Dutchman and said please don't let me find out months or years later that you are gone.  He didn't respond.  In and of itself that is not surprising.  He hasn't responded me me in a long time and I'm just the dumb ass who reaches out hoping for something new.  Tonight I logged onto Fet to see what was happening and decided to refollow folks that had been off my timeline for a while including the Dutchman.  At that point, I see that he has written about my request without acknowledging I ever made it.  And despite how important he was to me, how much time and energy I spent going to see him, and the knots I twisted myself into because of my desire to be with him I was relegated to former play partner.  Not his submissive or slave or even his favorite nickname for me just play partner.  I contemplated railing at him but then I look insane and it doesn't change anything.  I'm still hurt, he's still pondering how to honor my request without actually mentioning that to me and I'm wondering what about this lifestyle is so important to me that I refuse to date people who aren't in it.  I've definitely seen people try to make a vanilla partner work out and well yeah it doesn't but I've been single or suffering way more than I've been happy and content so what is it I'm holding out for here.  I'm so tired.  So very very tired.


i'm still struggling

Thursday, September 02, 2021 No comments

I am tired.  A year plus of working in masks, trying to do my job well, not murdering dumb people who won't wear masks, not traveling, having to pivot with little to no warning, and fighting with my body is killing me.  I've been bugging my mother to massage my scalp.  It helps with hair growth but more important it makes me relax.  It's momentary and doesn't fix the inevitable weirdness that pops up later.  I really want to have slow intense sex for several hours until I fall into a coma.  There's no one around to do that with though and I have no desire to search for them in this precise moment.  Part of that is just really sheer exhaustion and the other part is the realization that I still have these random pangs for a relationship that apparently was destined to not be what I wanted it to be.  I nearly came here and just vomited up all of those angsty feelings but remembered that it doesn't help me to keep rehashing it.  It won't be the first time that I was all in and things just fizzled.  Especially since most days whatever that pang is doesn't exist.  It's normally late at night when I'm trying to sort through something in my head and I know they would make me feel better.  Ahh well.  Eventually this will sort itself out or I'll be so old I just won't care.  I'll miss the spankings though.


Good-bye Mr. Wolf

Sunday, August 15, 2021 No comments

I went to bed last night thinking about how to let go of old emotional entanglements that were no longer serving me.  I fully intended on making a side trip while I was in in the city I get my hair done in but the plan took a swift detour.  Earlier today I got a text from one of the few kinky people I know that has my number.  They were apologizing to me about "what happened" with Mr. Wolf.  My brain already understood what they meant but I had to ask for clarification.  But in general when I hear from folks I don't talk to regularly that means someone we jointly knew and that I cared about was gone.  The last time I spoke with him it was because I had a feeling he wasn't doing well.  Or to be more precise I was worried he was having an issue.  We didn't discuss what it was but he thanked me for checking in and assured me he was on the mend.  That was months ago.  And this morning I wasn't thinking he was no longer here.  I was just thinking about waking up and slowly getting ready.  I'm not shocked but I am sad for his family and those he was involved with now.  I didn't appreciate how things ended but I didn't want him to be unhappy or unwell.  We learned things from each other.  Most important was that we were not meant to be an epic love story.  But even that is a good thing to know.  There are lots of words that could be shared but they would likely ring hollow to most people reading this.  I wish his spirit safe travels and peace for those who loved him.


i'm moody i swear

Saturday, August 07, 2021 No comments

Life is hectic and things distract me just when I need it most.  I was in a funk the last few posts to be sure.  I was in my feelings about the Dutchman and why it didn't work out but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter why it didn't work out.  It just didn't.  I loved him, how he made me feel, the ways in which he stretched my limits and helped me grow.  It felt like I was challenged in a way that I needed to evolve in my submission.  I miss that.  It's addicting to find someone who knows how to mind fuck you in just the right way.  And I know better than anyone that when I am moody or stressed or anxious that I need to play and play hard.  Well I haven't done that in a long while since Mr. Wolf and I didn't see each other for a long while before he broke things off.  There's no one here I trust to get me off in that way.  And the few forays I've made into finding someone new have not gone well.  That's why it's so easy to slip back into well why not just go Dutch again.  That's not good for me and as best I can tell he's super not interested so it's an exercise in futility to even engage in the mental acrobatics that it takes to wonder.  It took a minute to find and be keyed into him.  There's no reason why I shouldn't expect the same thing to be the case again.  Even more so now because I can't travel, can't physically connect and cannot escape for even some mindless sex.  As I was driving home yesterday maybe, it dawned on me that I hadn't logged back into fetlife in a while again.  It was the first time in recent months that I didn't think I was missing anything.  Honestly, no one there misses me so that's probably a part of it but it was different.  I wasn't sure that it was ever going to be a regular part of my life again.  And not in that John Baku sucks kind of way but in the there's no reason for me to be in a space where I am neither desired or missed.  It was freeing.  It may be time to let it go.  I'll check on writings there to see if there's anything I want to hold on to long term but I doubt it.  I say all this now because it's late, my nap today has me full of energy and I really want the universe to know that I think it's time for my next evolution.


the worst part

Monday, July 19, 2021 No comments

this post will likely be a hot mess so if you keep reading you have been warned.  i have known that i was a submissive for twenty years.  in that time it was never fully safe for me to be out and about in the community but the internet made it easier to connect to people who understood BDSM especially as a Black person.  not easy now because there were still people that despite my stated interest would sneak into my inbox anyway but it was easier to stumble on the right one or two people to carry me to the next phase of my journey.  as i got older those people would be around longer and longer which was good but when they were gone later it sucked away a piece of me.  in those moments though, the community still seemed to be present to pick up the slack and keep me stable until the next long term relationship began.  over the last few years though that hasn't even been there.  

i've realized i like my world peaceful and arguing on the internet is not my style.  competing over some Dom's fleeting attention is even lower on my list of things to do with my time.  and i have never been able to have conversation for the sake of conversation.  add in to that the break in trust i had a few years ago with a former submissive friend and i'm not even sure it's worth trying to connect to people again.  and i shouldn't pin that totally on her and i falling out.  there was someone else that did something similar a few months before that and it just eroded my faith that Black women in the lifestyle could be open and friendly with each other over long periods of time in ways that were not transactional.  there may be but i haven't met them yet and i don't know if i'm ever going to be ready to step out there for that again.

which leads me to where this came from in the first place.  the worst part of what i'm feeling right now is realizing how easy it was/is for people that i have cared deeply about to forget i exist or even if they haven't forgotten to just step away without ever pausing to think about how i might be doing.  about how their absence may or may not be impacting me.  and i guess they don't really have to.  things are over.  i'm the one that's stuck or holding on to a piece of them inside of me.  i'm the one that randomly started crying for no reason earlier today.  and who is crying now thinking about how for the people i want to matter to the most, i'm not even something that matters enough for them to send a random hi message every blue moon.  Mr. Good Nyhte has been a gem lately but i'm still the one reaching out to him first. everyone has their new life without the old version of me in it.  

and i have late night blog posts, random cooking binges and daydreams about what went wrong.  i think that's all that's left for now.


Ben & Jerry's are my besties

Wednesday, July 14, 2021 No comments

I should be asleep.  I'm up eating ice cream instead, Whiskey Biz to be exact.  I have a presentation to give in the morning and while I will probably be fine, my mouth can get reckless when I haven't slept as much as I need to sometimes.  I'm not sure it will matter in this situation but hey whatever it's good to prepare when we can.  I need to modify another presentation to give on Thursday then I don't have to be "on" for a few days.  My locs are hitting the three year mark this weekend basically, I think I started them officially on the 26th of June but that's the middle of the week and I don't have time for that.  My hair is actually long enough that it can tickle my back now which I like more than I thought I would.  I'm still debating the length it needs to stay at in order for me to not be freaking out.  I still think I'm gonna let it grow out so that all locs are the same length and then go from there.  I've been debating something else.  Totally deleting my Fetlife account.  I've looked around a few times lately and no one is really missing me, they weren't when I was active on there though let's be honest, and I don't think I'll find another partner there.  I know what I'm looking for as I mentioned previously but not where to find him and I don't know if I'm ready to risk outing all of my personal business to find my ideal partner.  I even contemplated using a matchmaker at one point but let me tell you my pockets ain't deep enough for the ones I found online that were Black women.  Plus, saying he needs to be all these very generic things oh and be a stable, less stalkery, more realistic version of Mr. Gray seems like a bridge too far for the average person.  I seriously wish someone would create that kind of service though.  I know it's probably stupid on my part to worry about being outed by partners with nothing to lose but I have dated the folks I have because they respect my work enough to not wild out in that way.  Honestly, I'm gun shy too.  I want someone but I don't want to put myself out there again.  It's exhausting.  And COVID plus racism on steroids has me tired enough.  I miss the stupidity of college when all I needed was a hard dick with some staying power.  And it's always more comforting to think about hooking up with an ex because I already know their issues.  But it's not logical to keep dipping back into the past and hoping for a better outcome.  This isn't a Hallmark movie after all.  That would be nice because within a few weeks or months of me having my reconnect or meet cute moment, we'd both realize there was no one else in the world for either of us.  A girl can dream right, if she ever gets back to sleep.


Good Sleep and New Dreams

Sunday, July 11, 2021 No comments

I have these ebbs and flows with my energy, focus, emotions and submission.  Yesterday was likely a down day.  There's always too much to do and not enough time to do it in period.  I took the day off and let myself feel life.  It was good and I got my much needed reset.  I played games, watched bad tv, caught some tennis and ate takeout.  Side note: didn't expect that Kung Pao shrimp from Red Lobster would be a treat but let me tell you it was a banger.  I am almost tempted to send out for it again but I'll debate it.  As I was settling into the Djokovic match, and my inevitable angst when one of my favorite players is on, my timeline memories brought up my first trip to Amsterdam and views from my hotel room.  I LOVE that hotel y'all.  Like it's my favorite place to be solo.  The room is comfortable.  The views are amazing.  It's close to everything.  The food and drinks are amazing and all I have to do is check in and mind my business.  Explore and enjoy having a key card that lets me up to the top floors for drinks, better views and ridiculous service.  Of course I can't set up shop in a hotel forever but if I could that would be my spot.  I'd have to boost the WiFi but it would be well worth it.

Sorry had to take a pause because the match is now over and Novak was a dream killer again.  Not mine mind you but after losing the first set to his opponent, Matteo Berrettini, he won the next three including breaking the last serve in the fourth to take it 6-3.  I know folks don't like him because he so clearly wants to win and in most cases is just better than the folks they want him to lose to most days.  I tend to root for underdogs--and my favorite "villains" which I need to put in quotes.  They are only villains to folks who don't like them or because they can steal your soul when you play against them.  Novak is now tied with Roger and Rafa for 20 grand slam titles.  He's gotten there by winning three grand slams this year and is poised to potentially win the calendar year grand slam and provided he plays well in the Olympics the Golden Slam--all the grand slam titles plus the Olympic gold medal.  I'll keep my fingers crossed and my remote ready to flip to something else because I don't want my very much so able to control the outcome of a match anxiety from infecting Novak from across the television.  Yeah don't worry I know that's not true but doesn't make me comfortable watching until the match is almost over.  I was wondering how long it had taken Novak to get to 20 and much like Roger (15 years) and Rafa (15 years) it was just over a decade (13 years).  What I didn't realize was 19 or the 20 titles Novak has won came in a ten year period.  Dislike him forever if you must but the man is just ridiculously good.

So back to my meandering.  As I fell asleep last night, I said a quiet prayer.  More like whispered but that's not really the point.  I prayed for peace, for my family and friends to be safe and that if it was meant to be that a new love enter my life and give me whatever it was that I was meant to have.  I may have included that I dream about him overnight but I really can't remember.  I do know that I slept like a baby.  A fat happy well fed baby who just knew that it was the center of its loved ones' universe.  No dreams, no angst, no tears, just sleep.  And it was exactly what I needed.  A large part of me is sure I'll be single indefinitely.  Not because men suck or I'm not desperately looking but because my life doesn't easily make room for partners.  Maybe I won't but I'm leaving that up to the universe and whatever higher power isn't totally over taking care of me when I make silly mistakes to sort out.  I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy that for as long as I can.


Old Mattresses and Old Loves

Saturday, July 10, 2021 No comments


I've been meaning to post for a few days and honestly sheer exhaustion has kicked in each time.  Work is busy and I have been playing tennis most of the last month so yeah by my nighttime relaxation kicks in I'm ready for unconsciousness and not a lot else.  As I was changing the sheets today, I noticed the spot that I camp out in is of course denting in the bed.  Because of how my bed is situated in my current bedroom I don't flip it as often as I should but I think the flipped side has the same issue.  That got me to wondering about how old my mattress is.  I remember getting it not too long after I moved into our current home but not exactly when.  And I remembered that mostly because it was around the time that I met the Dutchman on Fetlife.  The day the bed was delivered I think was the first day we saw each other naked which is no small feat since we were still several thousand miles away but the energy he inspired in me was intoxicating.  I had to go dig out the message to be certain but it was about seven years ago now.  Reading over some of them reminds me of why I feel head over heals for him and why part of me will always miss him.  However, I can't hold on to memories when I wanna snuggle at night so it brings me to the point of the post.

I gave an interview to someone working on their dissertation.  It made me really ponder on being single, what I was looking for in a partner and if I was actively looking.  For the most part I enjoy being single.  There's no disappointment in flying solo and I know I'm not always the best partner.  And I'm super not actively looking but I almost never am when I meet someone.  Part of why I'm not actively looking though is I know more completely that I need a dominant partner who is confident in themselves and emotionally available more often than not.  I mean we all have walkabouts mentally and emotionally where we cannot handle anyone's stuff but our own.  I can appreciate that especially if you give me a head's up and say you know what shit is hitting the fan, I'll try to check in soon.  Or life is imploding but thinking about tying you up makes my dick hard.  Ok not my dick because I don't have one but you get the point.  It also made me think about why I don't date women and I think I've said it before but in case I haven't when I think about cuddling, or being dominated, or goofing off on the couch with someone that person is also male.  I want to fold into their hardness.  And yes I may be able to do that with a woman but that physical form would distract from what I find attractive about women.  That could also be because I have yet to find a woman that gets me off the same way men have.  I don't mean in the same way I just mean with the same frequency or intensity.  I've been sleeping with women just a few years shorter than with men, given not as often, but I still need something else to push me over the edge than just her attention.  

So there I am pondering and wondering which added with today's pondering made me wistful.  I like being swept up in the intense emotions of a new love and the easy friendship of a genuine partnership.  I don't enjoy watching those things disappear as the relationship marches on.  It's beyond frustrating because it takes so little to keep things together sometimes.  But thus far I haven't been able to master that skill.  So here I am, approaching eight years after a chance comment on a thread ended up exposing me to parts of my submission that I could not have guessed about.  I miss that intensely.  However, I can't predict when that lightening bolt will hit again or if it will at all. Until then, I am just relegated to enjoying free porn and smutty stories.


morning thoughts, bedtime thoughts are not the same

Sunday, May 30, 2021 No comments

I have literally no plan for this post so you are going to get some massive train of thought stuff here.  I'm watching the French Open which I love.  You never know what is going to happen on clay.  We've already had a retirement on the men's side, feel better Grigor, major upset on the men's side, go Pablo and boo Dominic you bother me lol, and a fine on the women's side for Naomi Osaka for not doing her post match presser as well as a promise for more heft fines up to default if she doesn't agree to do them.  That was cosigned by the other major tournaments so we'll see what comes of that.  The tournament also said they had reached out to her to address her concerns but she hasn't said a word so they can't fix what they don't know she wants.  Ahh well, the matches are still good.

I renewed the domain name for a few more years.  It's my totally passive aggressive way of ignoring that I don't know what I want to do with this space if anything other than blog.

And unrelated to any of that wholesome content lol I have been having some repetitive thoughts at night.  I keep envisioning someone who just lives between my legs at my beck and call.  The head is always bald as I lightly massage it and keep it on target lapping at my inner folds.  Someone like my ex that always made me feel like he was trying to put his entire face in my pussy and just camp out there until I passed out and then licked me awake again.  Then when I am good and sleepy I'd like to be penetrated while we spoon and dose off to bed but that allows me to wiggle on a dick in the middle of the night and when I wake up before we start all over.  Yeah fun dreams.


keep growing wherever you can

Sunday, May 09, 2021 No comments

I will have to come back to the title.  It's been pressing on me that I needed to post something soon.  Not sure why but it's been on my mind.  I think my last few posts were definitely stress induced--I may have mentioned that then but who knows.  Living in a pandemic is whole lot.  Living and working in a pandemic is a whole lot.  Living, working and taking care of other people during a pandemic is just a monumentally bad idea if there is no one there to help take care of you too.  I haven't had access to any of the things that would help me recharge over the last it feels like eighteen months but I know it hasn't quite been that long.  My solo vacation--cancelled.  My study abroad trip--cancelled.  My eating myself full and sleepy on vacation--cancelled.  Even the gym because I have not been trusting of my fellow man as of late--cancelled.  The only thing I've done that I'm excited about is go forward with building a new house.  That won't be ready until later this year and I still need to sell the one we are in and not lose a ton of money on it.  Which I am terrified about if my dreams are any indication.  But things always work out the way they are supposed to in the end.

My cilantro plants showed me that.  I was getting ready to restart them because they were looking a little wimpy and unable to support themselves.  Then I got busy for like a week or so and before I knew it they started sprouting back up from their prone position and are doing better than the basil which has now joined them in the top heavy movement.  Mom's slow growing Tiny Tim tomatoes have now started bursting into shiny red ripe relief and she's tickled.  I forgot how much I loved growing things.  I've only used a little cilantro and she's had a few tomatoes but I'm thinking I may want either a larger indoor or outdoor garden when we move.  I kind of want some cucumbers and potatoes and onions too.  Those probably won't do as well in the hydroponic garden unless I get some baby ones like the tomatoes.  Watching things grow is giving me my only real outlet this year and it's taking some time to figure out that process.  I just had a dumb realization that you don't need to know about right now but it may make things a bit easier on the growing front lol.  

Ah I know what prompted me to write this now.  Just took me a minute.  I have heard songs on the radio and read a few things over the last few weeks that made me reflect on my former dominant partners.  Even though I don't reach out to GN often, he always responds and usually makes me feel better.  I've checked on Mr. Wolf a few times when I felt like something was wrong.  It's brief but at least reassures whatever spidey sense was happening.  I've reached out to Dutch once or twice.  It's kinda gone nowhere but that's okay too.  I've been letting things go, really letting them go, for the last few months.  I'm not sure what is coming up soon, next or what but I wish that whatever is I hope it's good and fun and soon.


here i go again, making beautful mistakes

Saturday, April 03, 2021 No comments

I'm feeling better today.  It's still Saturday and I still ain't got nobody.  And honestly that is just what it is right now.  Work is busy but semi on autopilot.  Home life is improving even if I need to get back on the grind health wise.  After losing some weight, it has found me again.  I'm looking around a room that needs to be decluttered even while I plan on keeping some things that are important to me but a ton of other things it's time to release into the universe.  I do miss being secure in a relationship but let's be honest I am very rarely secure in the entire thing.  I know what I want in a partner but no longer am I certain it's what I needed.  Just had a random thought about the kind of famous men that catch my attention and overall they are commanding with what appears to be a goofy/sweet/protective side for those they care about.  Some are universally gorgeous and others more subtle in their energy but also more attractive to me in that way.  I think what I really want right now is someone who makes me sigh.  That deep soul acknowledgment that it has found its person kind of sigh.  And for once it would be nice if there was no external baggage attached to that.  That's not likely to be a thing especially as I get older but it's what would make me happy.  That person would let me just be the best version of me and help me keep pushing towards better.  At least that's what I hope.  Ultimately, I just have to be happy living my best life regardless of if there's anything more than a teddy bear along for the ride.


another saturday night and i ain't got nobody lol

Sunday, March 21, 2021 No comments

i'm sitting here exhausted, relieved and crying.  mom had a crisis and i had messed up dreams hoping she'd be okay.  i've given six or seven talks for my job in the last twelve weeks.  i've had to lead the charge on a few things while worrying about my job options.  and i'm upset because while i knew something would likely go a certain way i was still hopeful it may turn out a different way.  i really miss my dad and talking to folks that clearly care about me that i don't have to hunt down first.  i miss having community and being taken care of by someone that loves me.  i would really like to just be back on my dad's sofa, watching tennis or cartoons or science fiction and talking about life while he rubbed my hair and let me fall asleep.  but that won't happen and no one is going to come save me from myself.


not sure why i'm awake

Monday, March 01, 2021 No comments

I was doing Dutch homework but that was at least an hour ago and probably more than that at this stage.  I've written an email or two, sent off a letter of recommendation and logged into fet for the first time in who knows when.  It was long enough ago that my feed needed to repopulate.  Nothing was popping so meh I guess I don't need to go back again anytime soon.  I was mostly being masochistic in an unhealthy way watching the interaction of my exes and their new folks but even that wasn't the primary touch point in going anymore.  I miss having a kinky collective.  I don't know that I will ever have one again at this stage but I missed the grown up Black folks that were there.  Nothing wrong with the young ones but they are just not my speed. Ahh well.  I was just checking in.  Hope everyone is well.


Happy Fucking New Year

Thursday, January 14, 2021 No comments

It's been an interesting two weeks hasn't it boys and girls.  New strains of COVID popping up, not enough people vaccinated, getting back to work, enjoying single life, an attempted coup and an all points bulletin for more violence ahead of the inauguration.  And this is all before the end of the month.  I've noticed something.  I was motivated to reach out to my exes more as a check in as opposed to rekindling of things.  Each conversation was brief and I said my peace and no one was upset.  Now I've been contemplating dating again and it felt like I needed to let go of any ill will that I was holding to be healthy enough to find my new person.  The problem is, even though I kind of have an idea of who that person is, I have no idea where to find him.  More that likely he's sitting at home right now as well.  Maybe on the other side of the globe but he's definitely not here.  I have met single men here but they don't have whatever that thing is that Mr. Wolf referred to as a thunderbolt.  I don't need a strike but I would like a spark of intrigue.  Someone who makes me feel a little girlish again.  I had a dream a few days ago about meeting him out and about and having a ridiculous adventure that ended up with us getting trapped in a rainstorm.  I remember feeling safe and content as he pulled me tight against his chest and tried to protect me with his beat up leather jacket.  Never saw his face and only vaguely remember his voice as something that was soothing.  Ahh well, he'll show up or he won't right?