keep growing wherever you can

Sunday, May 09, 2021 No comments

I will have to come back to the title.  It's been pressing on me that I needed to post something soon.  Not sure why but it's been on my mind.  I think my last few posts were definitely stress induced--I may have mentioned that then but who knows.  Living in a pandemic is whole lot.  Living and working in a pandemic is a whole lot.  Living, working and taking care of other people during a pandemic is just a monumentally bad idea if there is no one there to help take care of you too.  I haven't had access to any of the things that would help me recharge over the last it feels like eighteen months but I know it hasn't quite been that long.  My solo vacation--cancelled.  My study abroad trip--cancelled.  My eating myself full and sleepy on vacation--cancelled.  Even the gym because I have not been trusting of my fellow man as of late--cancelled.  The only thing I've done that I'm excited about is go forward with building a new house.  That won't be ready until later this year and I still need to sell the one we are in and not lose a ton of money on it.  Which I am terrified about if my dreams are any indication.  But things always work out the way they are supposed to in the end.

My cilantro plants showed me that.  I was getting ready to restart them because they were looking a little wimpy and unable to support themselves.  Then I got busy for like a week or so and before I knew it they started sprouting back up from their prone position and are doing better than the basil which has now joined them in the top heavy movement.  Mom's slow growing Tiny Tim tomatoes have now started bursting into shiny red ripe relief and she's tickled.  I forgot how much I loved growing things.  I've only used a little cilantro and she's had a few tomatoes but I'm thinking I may want either a larger indoor or outdoor garden when we move.  I kind of want some cucumbers and potatoes and onions too.  Those probably won't do as well in the hydroponic garden unless I get some baby ones like the tomatoes.  Watching things grow is giving me my only real outlet this year and it's taking some time to figure out that process.  I just had a dumb realization that you don't need to know about right now but it may make things a bit easier on the growing front lol.  

Ah I know what prompted me to write this now.  Just took me a minute.  I have heard songs on the radio and read a few things over the last few weeks that made me reflect on my former dominant partners.  Even though I don't reach out to GN often, he always responds and usually makes me feel better.  I've checked on Mr. Wolf a few times when I felt like something was wrong.  It's brief but at least reassures whatever spidey sense was happening.  I've reached out to Dutch once or twice.  It's kinda gone nowhere but that's okay too.  I've been letting things go, really letting them go, for the last few months.  I'm not sure what is coming up soon, next or what but I wish that whatever is I hope it's good and fun and soon.


here i go again, making beautful mistakes

Saturday, April 03, 2021 No comments

I'm feeling better today.  It's still Saturday and I still ain't got nobody.  And honestly that is just what it is right now.  Work is busy but semi on autopilot.  Home life is improving even if I need to get back on the grind health wise.  After losing some weight, it has found me again.  I'm looking around a room that needs to be decluttered even while I plan on keeping some things that are important to me but a ton of other things it's time to release into the universe.  I do miss being secure in a relationship but let's be honest I am very rarely secure in the entire thing.  I know what I want in a partner but no longer am I certain it's what I needed.  Just had a random thought about the kind of famous men that catch my attention and overall they are commanding with what appears to be a goofy/sweet/protective side for those they care about.  Some are universally gorgeous and others more subtle in their energy but also more attractive to me in that way.  I think what I really want right now is someone who makes me sigh.  That deep soul acknowledgment that it has found its person kind of sigh.  And for once it would be nice if there was no external baggage attached to that.  That's not likely to be a thing especially as I get older but it's what would make me happy.  That person would let me just be the best version of me and help me keep pushing towards better.  At least that's what I hope.  Ultimately, I just have to be happy living my best life regardless of if there's anything more than a teddy bear along for the ride.


another saturday night and i ain't got nobody lol

Sunday, March 21, 2021 No comments

i'm sitting here exhausted, relieved and crying.  mom had a crisis and i had messed up dreams hoping she'd be okay.  i've given six or seven talks for my job in the last twelve weeks.  i've had to lead the charge on a few things while worrying about my job options.  and i'm upset because while i knew something would likely go a certain way i was still hopeful it may turn out a different way.  i really miss my dad and talking to folks that clearly care about me that i don't have to hunt down first.  i miss having community and being taken care of by someone that loves me.  i would really like to just be back on my dad's sofa, watching tennis or cartoons or science fiction and talking about life while he rubbed my hair and let me fall asleep.  but that won't happen and no one is going to come save me from myself.


not sure why i'm awake

Monday, March 01, 2021 No comments

I was doing Dutch homework but that was at least an hour ago and probably more than that at this stage.  I've written an email or two, sent off a letter of recommendation and logged into fet for the first time in who knows when.  It was long enough ago that my feed needed to repopulate.  Nothing was popping so meh I guess I don't need to go back again anytime soon.  I was mostly being masochistic in an unhealthy way watching the interaction of my exes and their new folks but even that wasn't the primary touch point in going anymore.  I miss having a kinky collective.  I don't know that I will ever have one again at this stage but I missed the grown up Black folks that were there.  Nothing wrong with the young ones but they are just not my speed. Ahh well.  I was just checking in.  Hope everyone is well.


Happy Fucking New Year

Thursday, January 14, 2021 No comments

It's been an interesting two weeks hasn't it boys and girls.  New strains of COVID popping up, not enough people vaccinated, getting back to work, enjoying single life, an attempted coup and an all points bulletin for more violence ahead of the inauguration.  And this is all before the end of the month.  I've noticed something.  I was motivated to reach out to my exes more as a check in as opposed to rekindling of things.  Each conversation was brief and I said my peace and no one was upset.  Now I've been contemplating dating again and it felt like I needed to let go of any ill will that I was holding to be healthy enough to find my new person.  The problem is, even though I kind of have an idea of who that person is, I have no idea where to find him.  More that likely he's sitting at home right now as well.  Maybe on the other side of the globe but he's definitely not here.  I have met single men here but they don't have whatever that thing is that Mr. Wolf referred to as a thunderbolt.  I don't need a strike but I would like a spark of intrigue.  Someone who makes me feel a little girlish again.  I had a dream a few days ago about meeting him out and about and having a ridiculous adventure that ended up with us getting trapped in a rainstorm.  I remember feeling safe and content as he pulled me tight against his chest and tried to protect me with his beat up leather jacket.  Never saw his face and only vaguely remember his voice as something that was soothing.  Ahh well, he'll show up or he won't right?