Moving Day is the literal worst

Friday, December 31, 2021 No comments

So picking the last day of the year to move is probably not the brightest thing to do but it was necessary to make sure the cable was hooked up prior to us moving in because my mother NEEDED to watch the college football playoffs.  She's unconscious right now just so we're clear.  Not nodding off, knocked the fuck out.  She barely made it through the early game but ahh well.  The big stuff is in place.  We need to clean out the house and move over the small things.  Do a few patches and some painting and then hopefully sell this thing. I did have WiFi last night which was unexpected but no cable so I watched Last Christmas on repeat until I passed out.  Then I was woken up at 4 in the morning because someone's arm felt funny.  She was fine but sleep was fleeting.

Prompt for the day: Do you and your partner celebrate any special holidays?  Do you celebrate the standard holidays in unique ways, with special rituals, because of your D/s status?  Can't remember doing anything outside of birthdays and the standard holidays and none of it was linked to our dynamic.


knock knock is this thing on?

Wednesday, December 29, 2021 No comments

Because we are moving later this week, we have to turn the cable on at the new spot.  That means taking whatever appointment I can get so the nice old woman that lives with me isn't pouting about not being able to watch college sports for two days.  That also means about mid day tomorrow there will be no cable or internet throughout the house we currently inhabit.  I'm going to do the next two prompts now because I legit won't give enough of a fuck to type this out on my phone.  I may be late with the Friday post truthfully.

Today's prompt: Write a love letter to your Dominant.

Tomorrow's prompt: Does your Dominant stand on courtesy?  Do they use please and thank you with request from you?  How does it make you feel?  Does it still feel like an order if they ask?

I totally get that most folks doing these prompts are probably partnered but I wish there was some language for the single among us. I'll expand my thoughts after the jump.


Hey You, What's Your Name

Tuesday, December 28, 2021 No comments

I'm feeling a bit better today but it's mostly because I had to focus on more things for the move, deal with some work stuff and I removed a temptation from my line of vision.  I'm not sure where I fit in the D/s world still but I'm not on the verge of tears every five minutes now either.  On to the prompt for the day: Does your partner have any pet names for you?  Are there any nicknames that you do not like?

So I will recap what I was called and by whom.  The first person that sorta named me was Roaming Soldier.  I was either little girl or little soldier.  That played into our Daddy/little girl dynamic and I was fine with it.  Made me feel all warm and fuzzy honestly.  Good Nyte called me babygirl.  He actually still does.  I don't think he's used my name unless we were fighting since we got together a billion years ago.  I don't think I'd know what to do if he said anything else.  Mr. Wolf named himself and then started calling me lil red or Harley after Harley Quinn.  Harley was a reflection of my overly euphoric bratty cum drunk self.  I didn't always enjoy it if I wasn't in that space but it wasn't a bad name it was just trying to pull something from me that I wasn't engaged enough to embrace yet.  And lastly the Dutchman always called me cunt.  I will say I was prepared to hate it and was confused when I read it that my body went drip drip every time I saw or heard it.  I asked him why he chose that name and it was because he knew that American women had an aversion to it.  That is true.  As a rule, I think we have to hit you in the throat if you call us that.  Having said that it registered in the part of my brain that wanted to be His slut and do all of the depraved things we could possibly come up with.  I was going to end this with a statement that none of them had ever used my previous relationship nickname at any point in time but that's not entirely true.  Mr. Wolf called me a cunt when we were in Amsterdam experimenting with piss play.  It literally was like putting my clit on a block of ice.  We eventually got to the right place physically but it took longer than it needed to because of the word cunt. It wasn't an ownership word, it wasn't part of our routine play, it was just there and it was not stimulating.  So outside of that glitch in the Matrix there was no name usage by anyone else and I appreciated that.  Each seemed to choose a name that fit our dynamic which was also nice for me.  I've been lucky.


The Simple Answer is Yes

Monday, December 27, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt was intriguing: Are you ever jealous of your Dominant?  How do you cope?  Again single now but I have been jealous before and I think we have to frame the jealously in the right context.  I have definitely been jealous of relationships my Dominant partner had with other women when we were in poly dynamics.  There's a way to do poly well I'm sure but I was not doing that plus my partners didn't understand my jealously most of the time because to them I was in a certain place with them and should have been secure.  Maybe I would have been if we saw each other often or lived together but long distance poly when the other women are closer just made me anxious as fuck.  Anxiety made me insecure.  Insecurity made me jealous and needy.  All of it made me unhappy so I don't think I coped well at all.  I thought about it too much.  I shared my thoughts too much.  And I gave myself every ounce of paranoia and upset that I could.  This was also probably fed by the fact that I didn't think my partners really wanted me but didn't have other options.  Vicious cycle I know. So definitely jealous in the relationship sense.  In the interpersonal they have something I don't sense I think I would say I was jealous of what seemed to be there confidence about things and who they were.  I found out later from the two this comes up with the most that they were not that confident from time to time but I couldn't tell.  I was jealous of how easy they seemed to accept love.  I wanted to emulate that and to some degree I did but it wasn't with them that it happened so boo.


Recap: Ten Weeks, 70 Prompts, One Broken-ish Submissive

Sunday, December 26, 2021 No comments


I wish I felt better about my place in kink right now.  I'm accomplishing so many other things that I was excited about doing from last year now except this feels like a heavy weight sitting on my chest with no way to let it go.  I threw away lots of old things today.  I'll continue doing that over the next few days and weeks as we really get ready to start life anew.  In the middle of that, I went and read something I wrote to a former Dom and it gutted me.  Thinking about it now is making me tear up again.  The amount of raw emotion in it cannot be described and I don't know why they were able to evoke that in me to such a degree.  I'm an emotional sub.  If you've been around here for any length of time you know that already.  I love my Doms deeply in most cases which is why I have been reluctant to engage anyone now.  I know they aren't what I want and I don't want to settle for a portion of the ideal partner.  I've done that already.  Having a piece of a partner is unsatisfying.  Having a partner that isn't fully able to be present with me is unsatisfying. Having a partner that can only engage my mind or my body but not both is unsatisfying.  I have said before I get why GN and the Dutchman did what they did in marrying non kinky partners and my desire not to repeat that jacked up cycle but I don't know that waiting for my perfect Dominant partner is worth it anymore.  This last year would have been so much better with a supportive and engaged partner.  I haven't had that in so long.  The writing prompts have just laid bare that I am single with no protocols, no training and no prospects who has to hide her interests in BDSM to safeguard the rest of her life.  It's all added up to a depressive letdown that I hope starts to go away after I fall asleep in my new bedroom at the end of the week.  It may not but a girl can dream right?


And today is just a giggle: happy boxing day I guess

I've started the purge in my room.  Makes me sad to see some of these things go but some scraps of paper have been with me for more than 20 years.  It's time to let it go.  Prompt for today: What have you done today to honor your Dominant?  As I am single, nothing.  I spoke to GN last night/this morning and may actually be completing this exercise because I started it but stepping out D/s permanently.  I'm open to what comes but tired of looking and tired of being approached by people who just aren't gonna be my person in the long or short term. 


Merry Christmas 2021

Saturday, December 25, 2021 No comments

I've talked to my family a lot already given that it's not quite noon.  Mom is happy, sibling and his family are happy and when I went to bed my house smelled like love and baked goods.  For some reason I decided to make desserts last night and it helped clean out some things before we moved.  I made two different kinds of brookies (brownie/cookies) and one pan of brownies.  All overflowing with a bag of walnuts between the three.  I was trying to avoid the chocolate chip cookie brookie but it's one of the boxes that was in the house so it happened.  The other is peanut butter.  Mom has already had her first serving of brownie and in an hour or so I'm going to let the ribs come to almost room temperature and the pop them into the oven.

Christmas Prompt (not actually in the book that way it's just the prompt for today which happens to be Christmas): Have you had a mentor before?  What can having a mentor do for you?  I have had mentors in other aspects of my life but not in kink.  The few times I reached out to be mentored it went no where so I just quit looking.  Especially now when I've been in and out of the scene for several years now and don't know that it makes sense.  Having a mentor in other areas has made me more confident, helped me find new opportunities and have been a form of support and friendship.


It's Christmas Eve and Digital Me is Getting Toyed With

Friday, December 24, 2021 No comments

That would be because digital me gets to choose her own adventure in someone's oddly well informed kink story line with an ambitious aggressive intelligent potential Dom that both respects her choices and acknowledges His attraction to her.  Additionally, he's single with no entanglements so yeah she's enjoying her best life.  Real me isn't batting 1000 right now.  Folks are either too young, seemingly too experienced or attached.  I've been through all of those iterations enough to recognize that what I'd like isn't in my purview right now and that I'm okay with that. There was a time I would have been so excited to have the attention that I would have ignored a few of those red flags but that was mostly because I didn't even know they were red flags at the time.  I do know though so gotta keep it pushing and letting digital me take our lashes. On the plus side I'm 95 percent done with stuff for work so I'm going to relax until the new year.

Prompt for the day: What your Dominant's daily expectations of you?  Literally nothing as I am single.  Honestly this hasn't been a regular part of my D/s relationships.  I think Emperor had a few tasks but it was mostly to bask in his wonder and Mr. Wolf wanted me to check in by text but my schedule was never consistent and I found that annoying so it never happened.  There was a moment I offered to journal for Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman but that didn't last long because they were not consistently reading and that made me bratty and pouty and it was just a bad experiment.  Maybe in the next dynamic.  Maybe not.


Almost Forgot About This

Thursday, December 23, 2021 No comments

Getting things squared away with part of my day to day life has meant I could redirect to work stuff for a bit.  I did that more of the day than I planned so I really did forget about this prompt.  It's basic and should be short potentially: Do you live your D/s in secret?  And the answer absolutely is yes.  Very few of my friends know about my kink life and that's because most of my friends are not terribly open about sex or sexuality in general let alone what people think D/s is.  If you want to talk about traveling, hanging out, drinking then they'd mostly all be in on the conversation.  Most are religious and would say that their husbands are leading their households but I'm not sure they would see that in the same way that I see D/s.  Add into that my career and my family expectations and there is little room to be an out submissive woman. It would lead to questions about my judgment, my competence at the job and my ability to interact with mentoring programs.  So I keep this part of my life to myself and keep it pushing.


Today Was Busy

Wednesday, December 22, 2021 No comments

Responded to lots of emails, still waiting on answers to a few things, not at all ready for or eager about Christmas which is not much different from last year, got the last bit of work done at the house before the move next week, bought a tv stand for downstairs, agreed to keep looking for the right ottoman for the living room, went on a chocolate run, food run, and discovered that we can FINALLY order cable for the move and have that set up.  Now I won't have a sad mom on New Year's Day when the games are on and I can finish up some work and sleep peacefully--I hope, in the new bedroom.

Prompt for the day: What is your favorite physical manifestation of D/s?  As I read this initially, I really did let out a sigh. It's a silly thing that has little to do with D/s from the outside looking in and everything to do with me as a submissive and how I connect with a Dominant partner. My favorite physical sign of D/s is when my Dominant partner strokes my hair either when I'm kneeling at his feet or laying in bed next to him.  I may or may not be naked, that's not really crucial but if I'm naked and he's dressed it deepens the connection for me.  It's a quiet simple moment in which nothing is more fascinating than him and makes me respond to something very primal in me that can be small and protected and nurtured from the rest of the world just for a little bit.


And my vacation starts now, sort of anyway

Tuesday, December 21, 2021 No comments

I submitted my last major projects for work.  Had my last work meeting this afternoon.  I will still probably be fielding random emails as people check things from their away messages but I'm turning that on probably on Thursday when the office closes for Christmas.  I'm going to do a little work this week prepping for when I get back to the office and then I will be sprinting through disposing of things so we can get the fuck out of this spot and into our new one.  I have a non traditional Christmas dinner planned so I have to take out the protein on Thursday to defrost and then marinate or dry rub.  I haven't decided yet.  Regardless life is good and I'm happy even if I'm exhausted.  And I'm more happy that everyone is also exhausted so I know it's not me.  Shit is just exhausting right now.  I expect to keep babbling here so I'm gonna include the prompt after the break.  The house is mostly done in terms of repairs and things that needed to be tweaked again.  If I knew when the flipping cable would be hooked up I wouldn't feel meh about the relocation.  If I knew when the blinds would be up that would be good too.  I think we may have to go with temp blinds in the bedrooms at least and maybe the loft and living room until the real ones go up and then we will probably touch up paint and slowly decorate.


Almost done with work for the year, totally done with myself

Monday, December 20, 2021 No comments

Today has been involving more work than it should. The prompt for today is: Write a thank you letter to someone you know in the lifestyle. My immediate thought was fuck no. For one, I don't know that many people in the lifestyle anymore. We have drifted apart or people have died. But assignments are assignments so I will just say this. To every Dominant partner I've ever been enamored of let me thank you for pulling something new from me. Each of you shaped part of my submission and my journey. My time with you blessed me with highs and some days tested my faith but you gave me memories, moments and passport stamps. Thank you for choosing me. 


So Google Analytics Kinda Sucks

Sunday, December 19, 2021 No comments

The new GA was supposed to be some magical bit of data but it never agrees with the old GA.  I never know which one is correct so if you're still reading this great.  If you aren't I won't know.  The read count keeps rising even though there have allegedly been no visitors.  Today's prompt should have a short reply: Are you monogamous, polyamorous, or have an open relationship?

I am single so I am celibate.  Throughout most of my relationships I've been monogamous.  Or at least monagamous esque.  My preference is to be with one partner at a time.  If we invite someone else into the dynamic sexually that's cool but one primary partner and I don't seek out extra people.  You know, if you've been here for a while, that my last relationships were poly because both of my Dominant partners wanted poly situations.  That whole situation wasn't the right fit for me, not because it was poly but because the main things I needed to transpire was us all be out in the open about things and that was not taking place.  I don't have anything against poly relationships but I need to enter into them in a more open and honest communication plan. I don't know if I could do a flat out open relationship because my insecurity would probably get the best of me.


Tap tap: Is this thing on? Men (and women hell everyone) do better

Saturday, December 18, 2021 No comments

I am back on Fetlife but not super active.  I interact in a few groups but mostly I just read and laugh or lust or shake my head.  One group I enjoy is Return to Sender as we all lament the ways in which we are approached online by people who claim to want to get to know us but do the following things:

  • Have essentially blank or limited profiles--what am I supposed to be attracted to here?  You haven't shared enough about yourself to be engaging.  I don't need a thesis on your every want and desire but it might be good to know you are interested in more than what orifice you can plunder next.
  • Claim to have read our profiles but are literally doing the things we say don't do there.  I joke about getting a haiku but to date I've only gotten two of those in the many messages I've received.  They were horrible but I appreciated the effort.
  • Are super enamored of us until we ask what you are responding to in our profiles, what it is you think we have in common or how we are supposed to know what you are looking for in your blankish profiles.  Then we become bitches, hoes, uninteresting and so on.
  • Make it two messages in and then suddenly are being very invasive about our sex lives or psyches so that we can serve you.  That sounds crazy and if anyone plays along they may be crazy as an FYI.  A good dynamic requires time, effort and communication.  We're not going to get there in the first message unless that first message goes on between us for weeks and months.
  • Don't back off when we say we are not interested.  We go from sexy and interesting to old ugly hags who are desperate and lonely.  Seriously dial it down a notch folks.
  • Or are just generally gross.

I know it may seem as if I'm exaggerating but I promise I'm not.  Check out the group.  I haven't posted my exchanges but this pattern is holding for me to with newer people to the lifestyle.  Older men, or established Dominants tend to approach me entirely differently.  I'll get to that after the break.


Hot Stones on Your Back are Oddly Soothing

Friday, December 17, 2021 No comments

My massage therapist is not in on Thursdays otherwise I would have gotten rubbed down yesterday.  I had assumed when I booked my appointment that I would have moved in at this stage but hey such is life.  As the title says the hot stones in the longer birthday massage was EVERY FUCKING THING.  Oh my god if I could pay that woman to just hang out at my house I totally would.  Since I am not independently rich I will just see her at the end of next month.  I am ready for this prompt I think.  Yeah I am.  Today's prompt: Is power exchange a want or a need in your life?

I may have mentioned that some of my exes are/were married to women that could not meet their kink needs.  Both said something to the effect that they assumed they would just be able to live without that part of their lives being fulfilled.  They were both ultimately wrong about that which is why/how we met.  I cannot date someone that isn't in the kink or BDSM community.  I watched them struggle with their decisions and I've watched other people do that as well.  It doesn't appeal to me to even attempt to do that.  And to be even clearer, I can't just do any old dynamic.  When men have approached me that identify as submissive or as switches I'm not attracted to them.  I know that people can respond to the energy their partner needs but I don't want you to mold yourself for me and sacrifice large chunks of who you are or what you want to be satisfied.  That ends up making people resentful which is not a good thing for any of us.  We can be friends but we can't be together.  One of my vanilla exes can still make me drip BUT can't even consider hooking up with him now because he is more submissive than I am.  I don't enjoy telling people what to do in bed.  Life was much more simple when I hadn't made the connection between power exchange and my happiness.  Now that I have it really is a need in my life.  I'm comfortable being single as it is but I really am if it means being with the wrong person just so I'm not alone.


Birthday Bundle

Thursday, December 16, 2021 No comments

I'm late on these for lots of reasons but today is my birthday and I'm entitled to do whatever I like.  It's barely my birthday in the US but it's my birthday all the same.  It's been a long year in COVID.  I haven't been able to do a lot of the things that would make me feel renewed but I am not going to give up on that.  Hopefully sometime in the new year, my passport will be stamped again.  Shit I may need to renew that early.  And I will find a person that makes me tingle and glow from the inside again.  And I will be able to set up something wonderful on my job and in my community.  I'll see how it goes.  I did find the new house I wanted from last year so let's just see what happens.  Anyway, prompts for the last few days are in this post starting with Tuesday.  Wednesday and today are after the break.

What is one quality you think most Dominants possess? I am not sure.  They don't all have swag, they don't all command respect.  I guess this is better if I think of people that are actually Dominant versus those who through the label around to fuck with people who don't know better.  Actual Dominants seem to be intelligent, restrained, willing to understand there's always more to learn, and patient. Most of the ones I've met also have a good sense of humor.  That's more than one quality but there's nothing cut and dry about dominant people or dominance.


Finding your place or mine I guess

Monday, December 13, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What has to happen before you find your place in service or submission to another?  So this is a good question.  Not that the others have been bad but given what I'm trying to sort through right now this is a good one to process.  

Previously, I would just say that someone had to engage me on a level that was beyond getting my motor going.  Making me horny doesn't have to take a lot of energy.  There's a certain energy I respond to and before you know it I'm a big old puddle of goo.  If you don't have that energy then you have to physically overwhelm me but you'll still end up where you want to be eventually.  So the person that could mentally key into my kinky side while respecting my need for privacy was likely going to have me itching to serve them which is not a good rational reason to do anything.  Last night I was on a Zoom call and they mentioned the cost of kink or being in the scene and I thought for a second they were discussing the cost of being outed but most of the folks on the call were tops or heavily invested bottoms unlike myself.  I'll come back to that part later.  They were really talking about the price of gear and what that meant.  And yeah I could see good kits costing a ton of money.  I seen people save up for good leather gear and toys.  For me I was thinking about living in conservative hot messary and not being able to be out and kinky without fear of losing your job or your neighbors being weird.  To be fair, most of them lived in more diverse cities and larger cities than I do as well so that's part of it too.


Inifinte Breakdowns: Week Eight Recap

Sunday, December 12, 2021 No comments


I am desperately ready for a break in all the things I have to think about on a regular basis.  I'm not sure that will happen before we move but it will happen.  We'll unpack slowly and we'll restart our lives in the next wave.  I want to relax.  I want to be embraced.  I want to be babied a little if I'm being honest.  What I don't want to have to do is think.  This last week of posts had me thinking and reacting more than I wanted and less than I wanted at the same time.  I knew these things about myself but it was still frustrating to revisit a bit at the time.  I love submission.  I love being submissive.  I love submitting to the right partner.  As I've moved through this journey I've learned more and more that I've done so much wrong that has resulted in these relationships not ending up where I wanted them to be.  That's frustrating too but I need to let that go to bring space to the person that wants to be with me and can provide my needs in exchange for me serving them.  I'll keep writing and working and I'll see what life looks like on the other side of this.


Tis the Weekend: Two Posts

I didn't write last night mostly because I didn't want to do so.  I got my hair done--that was amazing.  I got it put in the style I wanted--even better.  I made two different dinners so I didn't have to tone down what I wanted and could let mom have something she wanted.  I watched cheesy movies and I rested after I played games.  Like it was a good evening all things considered.  This was after a night of crazy winds and uprooted trees.  We did get missed by the tornadoes which I appreciate and we didn't lose power or anything else.  Spotty wifi is standard but that was the worst of it.   I'm inching closer to another birthday as well so there's that.  All in all things are okay.


Druk druk druk

Friday, December 10, 2021 No comments

I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and that normally makes me super happy.  I'm too tired to be happy right now.  More running around, more BS, more annoyance.  Didn't get everything I needed done today because I had a copilot who is a hot mess.  I'm gonna write this and head to bed.  Prompt for today: What does 24/7 power exchange mean to you?  I really just kind of shook my head at this.  It doesn't mean anything to current submissive me.  There was a point in time that I would have literally crawled on my knees for this kind of dynamic.  I was really wanting to completely surrender to my partner.  Being immersed in his presence, wants and desires seemed like the epitome of service and a testament to my devotion to him.  Reality very quickly dashed that daydream.  My own level of comfort and need for security means I cannot wholly let myself be directed by someone else. I have watched entirely too many dynamics implode and one partner left wrecked with no money, home, or friend groups to bounce back into later.  Things shifted with my family as well and there would be no way for me to explain that level of dynamic to my live in parent and balance our privacy because she talks entirely too much.  So realistic me doesn't attach any pertinent meaning to that level of dynamic.  Daydream me says it's a moment of pure bliss with the right Dominant partner that envelops me and helps me grow in my submission.  That helps me through the terrors of failing and allows me to develop skills that support both of us.  And that's where it will stay, daydream.


Today was a good day: Prompt 50 something or other

I'm going to write this but I swear my brain doesn't care about some of these and that may be why I suck at being a good submissive.  I don't feel more connected to my submission at this point.  Some of these have made me look inward and cope with some things.  Others feel like meh.  So here we go: What sort of society would be ideal to allow a submissive to express themselves fully? What aspects of our current culture get in the way of this? What is there in your life now which gets in the way?  I'm gonna go ahead and create a jump because I have thoughts and it's gonna take a minute.  I may do the prompt for Friday too but maybe not shit I'm tired.


Should have seen this one coming

Wednesday, December 08, 2021 No comments

Prompt: What's something that makes you feel renewed and ready to take on the world?  Sleep shit, lots of sleep, and the closest thing after that is self-care activities like a massage or getting may hair done.  I haven't done the nails as much recently but that's because folks are germy.  I'm not hard to recharge but down time, me time, alone time and something that lets me zone out is all I look for to recharge.


Black girl down, tired of people and their bullshit

Tuesday, December 07, 2021 No comments

I almost skipped this because as the title states I'm done but this may be the last thing I do tonight.  Prompt: how do you define strength and do you see yourself as strong? could you see yourself submitting to someone less strong than yourself?  Legit couldn't make up the timing here and I tell other folks when we aren't dealing with something that thing slaps us in the face so here we go.  My short definition for tonight is strength is a Black woman.  No matter how we look, how smart we are, how much we do on our jobs, for our families, for our communities and for the fucking world they all somehow expect us to do more.  And 98 percent of the time we do that because if we don't we know the whole enterprise comes to a screeching halt.  But baby that 2 percent you would think we were spawns of Satan for saying newp not doing this shit with y'all today.  All of my life is strength and I am tired.  And shorter response to the second piece of this prompt--fuck no.  You don't have to be physically stronger than me but I damn sure need you to be mentally stronger than me because when I break you have to be able to hold me together.  If you can't do that then I don't need you and I won't trust you to lead me.


Hey You, Random person still reading, how ya doing

Monday, December 06, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt: What advice would you give a new submissive just exploring submission?  This feels like a bullet point list so that's what you are getting.

  1. Take your time learning.  You are not competing with anyone to be the best submissive ever.  Your journey is your journey period.  Go to classes if you can, read a ton if you can, make sure you get to know someone before you let them play with your emotions and breathe.  There will be another chance to be better and find a better fit.
  2. Don't get swept up in the desire of being wanted and forego normal vetting and red flags of potential partner.
  3. Be patient with yourself, you are going to make mistakes and that's okay
  4. Don't make rash decisions in the name of submission that you wouldn't make in the vanilla world
  5. Protect your peace and privacy as much as you need to do so
  6. Smile and enjoy your new home


Six & Seven Weeks In: Recap Post

Sunday, December 05, 2021 No comments


So I will say I started this last week and only go one sentence in.   This sentence----> I've been watching crap TV all day but thankfully one of those adventures got me onto new to me but old music by Train which will be good Christmas listening.  The movie was typical Hallmark filter and really the best part of the film were the Train Christmas songs.  I didn't listen to them this week though because I woke up in pain on Sunday and that has lingered throughout the week.  I will say that last week I didn't have much of a recap for you anyway because I was tired, anxious and the prompts themselves were not causing it.  As of this week, that's not the case.  I'm feeling better after four days of steroids and now a week past my booster shot.  That was pre Omicron but guess what, if they get a shot for that one or the next one or the next one I'm gonna get that one too. We signed the contract for our new house and will be moving, I hope, before the end of the year so I can start the new year unpacking and working out with my new Mirror that I bought so I can workout at home without worrying about people being germy or the next strain of whatever.  I'll probably downgrade my gym membership but there may be a day in the future that I just want to hit a treadmill or use someone's free weights and what not.  

This move and these prompts have made me more emotional than I was expecting.  I think a lot of things are converging right now.  The first being the ways in which my mother has been whining and unhappy about all aspects of the move because she can't turn the new house into a shrine for her old shit.  Don't get me wrong, losing crucial things would suck but I haven't had a house that I enjoy since she moved in with me almost two decades ago.  I've been having this conversation with her since we started in on this home search but apparently seeing that I wasn't making things up was too much for her brain and just made her distressed.  That in turn means she lashed out at me for disappointing her again.  There are some other lingering things but that's the gist of it.  We should never live together ever but it is what it is.  The prompts this week just made me feel inadequate.  I know the person that wrote the prompts comes from submission from a totally different place and with different kinds of relationships than I have had but I felt incredibly useless and like a failure to those that I had been with prior to now.  Lots of self doubt and not a lot else right now.  Thankfully no one is on this ride with me right now so I can be a mess without fear.


So it's Sunday again: Prompt 49

Prompt for today: What unexpected skill have you found to be most helpful in your service? Honestly, I can't answer this.  My ability to plan and freak out about the future means I normally have unexpected resources to support myself or emergencies that my Dominant partner experiences but those aren't really skills.  They just are things I do.  Yeah this was a weak response but it's all I have.


Stop it Saturday

Saturday, December 04, 2021 No comments

This week has been a whole lot of week.  I have more thoughts that I may come back and add but I want to tackle this prompt first: What is one of the most valuable services you can or do provide?  The honest answer is that I am very organized and if given a list or a task to accomplish I will strive to get it done with the utmost of my abilities.  It may wipe me out emotionally and it may drive me batty but it will get done.  The more nuanced answer is I am not feeling like I've ever provided anything of worth to the people I've served.  I was not there to provide a tangible service other than physical gratification and the ability to command a willing body.  With Mr. Wolf I periodically felt like I was topping from the bottom because he enjoyed the things that I enjoyed having done to me.  With GN and RS, I may have just been a port in the storm.  I don't know what the fuck I gave to Emperor or The Dutchman.  Outside of GN, I don't speak to any of them even semi regularly.  There are lots of reasons but all it amounts to is whatever I was offering was not sufficiently intriguing to be missed or desired.  The folks who do hit on me now don't seem to be looking for much more than a physical interaction.  I don't know what in the submissive world I am or what I represent other than a series of orifices to be plundered.


Fuck it it's Friday

Friday, December 03, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What ten words would you use to describe yourself to someone?

I am debating this and I'll probably just run a list instead of a paragraph so here goes:

  1. short
  2. silly
  3. focused
  4. dedicated
  5. submissive
  6. intelligent
  7. horny
  8. cook
  9. traveler
  10. sarcastic
That took longer than I thought because using compound words sounded like cheating.


Girl Been Hurt

Thursday, December 02, 2021 No comments

I haven't written in a few days because on Monday when I woke up my foot felt possessed by evil beings.  I thought it would subside by the end of the day but it did not.  It got worse over Monday and Tuesday as I had to be up presenting for several hours.  Wednesday I gave up on and just worked from home and then had a telehealth visit that ended up in a script for steroids.  Swear to God, within a few hours of taking the first dose my foot was like okay I'll act right.  Today it was a little sore but nothing like it had been.  I almost hesitated to take the dose for today but fuck that.  So I've taking it and am now relaxing.  Hoping it chills out but if not I'm going to work on the likely root cause of this episode ASAP.  I'm behind on prompts and will just do each one of them now.  Not sure how long it will take so this may end up being a two for Friday but hopefully not.


I somehow injured myself in my sleep...again

Monday, November 29, 2021 No comments

I really don't know how but I jacked up my foot overnight.  I limped around all day today but not sure if I can pull that off all day tomorrow.  I may do my early meetings and head home.  We'll see when I wake up.  I may just have to Zoom in and go to bed.  This may be short depending on the prompt and yep my recap post is late again.  But since the painkillers have not kicked in I'm not about to gut through the post.

Are you active in groups or communities with others in a similar lifestyle? Do you prefer to focus on your dynamic or to socialize and be involved with others?  Ideally, I'd love to be active in communities.  But right now I'm having to recreate those connections.  Dark Connections was my spot and it migrated and thrived for a while on Fetlife but now those folks have largely stepped away from the board.  Additionally, what used to feel more inclusive and bonded by our shared kink has started to mimic real life and the grossness on other social media platforms is there.  And ideally I'd like to be able to focus on my dynamic and socialize but if I only had one it would be the dynamic more than likely.  My good friends are still there regardless.


Sunday my old friend, we meet again

Sunday, November 28, 2021 No comments

There's a lot on my mind again.  I may get to it and honestly I may not.  Let's do the prompt that I looked at early this morning and then went to bed.  How has your Dominant encouraged you to grow as a person?  As a submissive?

So right before bed my initial thought was that they don't per se or have not in the past.  In reflecting after some sleep, I'd say it's more nuanced.  My Dominant partners have not had to encourage me to grow as a person because I am always trying to grow as a person.  They didn't discourage any of my pursuits but I always had them.  Sometimes they may point out ways to do it easier or better but overall they were just really good cheerleaders.  As a submissive, it was to grow in what I needed to do for them which is what I would expect.  It wasn't develop these set of skills in general but more that I should develop these skills for my relationship with them.  I don't know that I've seen a different model and I honestly was not disappointed in how that progressed.  I only bumped heads with a Dominant partner because they wanted me to communicate in ways that were contrary to how I typically behave but there was nothing to be gained but an ego stroke for them.  Maybe there was but we never came to a good place on those things.


Where Kink Does Not Match Real Life

Saturday, November 27, 2021 No comments

Going to tackle the prompt first: Do you have a mentor? If you sought out a mentor, would you want one that is submissive or Dominant?

I do not have a mentor.  I have at other times sought out submissive women to mentor me but each declined for a variety of reasons and after the third one I stopped asking.  Nothing at all wrong with being unavailable or not seeing yourself in that kind of role but it was a little deflating at the time.  I know that there are things that prevent us from viewing ourselves as experts and heck we don't always have energy to extend ourselves but I had been hopeful that I could learn from people who knew more than I had.  The only person that extended themselves a little would have taught me about corsets in depth but I couldn't go to events enough to make that work.  She was lovely, may still be lovely, but that wasn't going to help me be a better submissive in my mind.  Learning how not to breathe while looking fierce is fascinating but my partners weren't that invested in corsets and there was/is so much that I wanted to learn outside of dressing the part.  I have considered seeking a mentor again and would like it to be someone on my side of the slash but honestly I've had enough rejection in that realm.  I can't fully envision Dominant mentors.  Not because they would be bad at it but because I think one of us may not be able to maintain the boundaries that are needed, most likely me, to have an effective mentoring relationship that doesn't blur the line with a dynamic.  I feel like the cross slash mentoring I've seen is more like testing the waters to see what may come of a dynamic. 

I am a mentor to lots of folks in my vanilla life.  And it's because women have happily mentored me in various stages of my career.  There aren't a lot of us in my field.  There are even fewer of us that are Black women.  So minority women and men flock to me for assistance and I'm happy to give it.  Even when that devolves into tough love, they receive it and I deliver it as much as I can.  I am ignoring a former student right now but that's because they don't listen after asking for assistance so I don't feel like extending myself.

Yeah that's all I'm gonna write about for now.  Other things are on my mind but I don't have words for it all right now.


Got my booster shot, cussed no one out, that's it

Friday, November 26, 2021 No comments

I'm not sure what I thought I'd do today in the means of being productive but I didn't get there.  Several purchases are on hold mostly because the person that birthed me has taken tap dancing on my last good nerve to new levels.  I still need to go eat fucking around with her.  One thing is on hold until I know I can used stashed money for it.  And if not then it will have to wait a few more months/weeks or what have you because I just don't feel like making big purchases with my real money until I'm settled again.  Ahh well, here's the prompt for today: Name one fictional character who would be a good role model for an aspiring submissive and explain why?

I literally don't have a clue about how to answer this.  It really depends on what kind of submissive you are trying to be.  Want to be in a toxic dysfunctional dynamic that keeps you in a frenzy when they aren't doing questionable things that may kill you?  Then Harley Quinn is your girl and please avoid me because the damage that will ensue is not cute.  Want to look sheepish but drive your partner insane trying to claim you?  Try Maggie Gyllnehal's character in The Secretary.  Want to kick ass and take names on your own time but ultimately find a man strong enough to tame you?  Selina Kyle/Catwoman traipsing after Batman may work.  I really think it would have worked better in the movie had they not tried to create a redemption arc with Michelle and Michael.  It's trash with Anne and Christian for entirely different reasons.  That movie was just garbage.  Want to do those things but be undermined and overlooked because of your skin tone?  Katherine Johnson technically isn't fictional but her movie representation isn't completely factual.  She found her boo, or Taraji P. Hensen did after they ignored her until they needed her.  You want to live the 50 Shades movement but without the stalker billionaire?  Try Beauty in the Anne Rice novels. Heck I'd venture you could play that dynamic out with Buffy and Angel but not Buffy and Spike.  As she said in a late series episode she was still cookie dough but the men that baked her were undead and had time to wait.  With the exception of Beauty and Katherine though most of these don't have happy endings and the ways in which women found their power in their relationships was painful and potentially exhausting.  I think fictional people get the benefit of not having to second guess themselves and still find a happy ending.  The rest of us though yeah not the case.  I think if you want to be an aspiring submissive we should spend more time with actual people, learning their actual successes and failures and finding a way forward all the same.


Yeah yeah I'm late again, spank me

Thursday, November 25, 2021 No comments

I don't really have a good excuse for not posting Wednesday.  Lots of emotions, one step closer to new beginnings and relief at decisions that must be made.  Talked to Good Nyte for a while and then forgot about posting.  Happy Thanksgiving for anyone that's up already.  

Wednesday's Prompt: Is focus something you strive for in your life?  Do you meditate or do other practices which allow you to focus?  I am looking for calm more often than I used to do but it's not a central focus or tenet in my life most of the time.  I do things that make me calm but it's a by product of the thing not the reason I do the thing. Cooking, baking and working out are because I like to eat and need to not gain 90K pounds.  The fact that I feel better after each of those things is a happy coincidence more than anything else.  I mean sex would fall in there too but really not doing that right now so that may just be a memory and not factual in the slightest.  Long story short, not a goal but a happy accident when it occurs.

Thursday's Prompt: Are there areas in your life where you are encouraged to be independent?  I read this and literally laughed. I was always encouraged to be independent by my parents in almost all of the things.  As a result, I tend to make partners feel horribly unwanted because I'm not falling over myself in need of them.  I am working on that but I think needy when I hear I need someone and that is not a good luck nor a feeling I enjoy.  I tend to only get needy when I feel off balance.  My reaction to the Dutchman was needy. He didn't encourage dependence, it was just a side effect of feeling seen and having part of my psyche pushed in new ways.  Ahh well, let's not dwell there.  I am super independent and honestly have been better when people shut me down and make me be still for a while.


I Smell Sex and Candy, Guess Who's Late Yeah

Tuesday, November 23, 2021 No comments

I do smell candy, cashew toffee to be exact.  I might smell sex if I opt to masturbate before I go to bed.  Not sure on that since I'm already up past bedtime and probably just need to lay down at this point.  It's been a LONG four days but I loved it and I'm full in a way that going to other conferences and conventions doesn't get me there.  Looking at the prompts now this won't take long.

Monday's prompt: Do you go to public/open play parties or dungeons? What sort of experience is it for you?  Umm not really.  I don't do public scenes for reasons I've detailed before but being Black, female, living in a conservative area with a conservative job it's legit not worth the risk.  I've gone to private events in the past but nothing recently which is a frequent point of discussion with a submissive friend about how we could change that experience for both of us but as of yet we got jack shit.  I can't even pretend to imagine what that experience would be like either because it's a level of privilege I don't have even the slightest bit of access to.

Today/Tuesday's prompt: What are you reading or studying right now that could improve your level of submission or service? Nothing really.  I'm learning new languages but that's mostly for me.  I can't say that I'm studying cooking really but I like to learn new recipes.  Right now I'm just trying not to curse at people a lot.  That's it.  

But how about Iman Shumpert winning dancing with the stars and Jojo Siwa coming in second?  I was just happy the dancing barbie came in last place.  After that all was well with me and either Jojo or Iman would have been fine.  I'm glad it was him though cause yeah I am.


Failure to Summarize: End of Week 5


This is clearly late but I've been in a convention for the last four days and honestly I didn't have a lot to say about the last week.  I may have been surprised by a few things but nothing that made me feel like I was doing this massive self discovery.  I think what I was talking about here was meshing with my professional life in terms of things progressing and advancing.  That's about it though.  Since I'm also late on the prompt for Monday, I'm going to go work on that and the one for Tuesday.  Be blessed.


7 More Days: End of Week 5

Sunday, November 21, 2021 No comments

This has been a good weekend for me.  I'm feeling more aligned with my purpose outside of kink.  We will see how long that lasts.  The prompt for today is: What's one thing you want to accomplish before you retire?

Honestly, professionally I've done most of the things I have set out to do well before I retire.  I might seek out another promotion but I've started a lot of things, am in the progress of bringing other things to fruition.  Maybe poor in enough money into my 401K so that I'm not freaking out about being older and alone but in terms of accomplishments I've done a lot.  Maybe I'll change my answer at the end of the day but yeah right now there's not a goal to shoot for.  The next steps that other people might see for me are not things I'm interested in being or doing.


Recharging in other pursuits

Saturday, November 20, 2021 No comments

I like when the universe aligns.  My prompt for tonight is: Within the next year, how can you improve your submission?  You may be wondering why that perfectly aligns and it's because I'm doing something this weekend that makes me blissfully happy and has nothing to do with submission.  Sometimes I get so laser focused on being a better submissive that I forget about all the things that make my life rich that have literally NOTHING to do with kink.  That matters because when I am happy and fulfilled then I can be a better version of myself for my partner.  I love what I'm doing this weekend in ways I can't really detail right now and it made me remember how blissfully happy I was when I started doing it so yeah I need to do more to engage with that part of who I am too.  And to do that in other ways too.  Can I engage with the things that make me light up from the inside again?  Those things make me more interesting, more settled, provide me peace and mean I am not needy, clingy, overthinking or any of the other things that impair my submission.  They also fulfill my need to serve in a non kinky way.  I want to make my life as joyful as possible so I can give that joy freely in and outside of BDSM.


It's Friday and it's been a mixed bag

Friday, November 19, 2021 No comments

I've been looking forward to today for a while.  I had limited meetings.  I was meeting with my doctor to figure out how to use my HSA to fund some much needed exercise intervention and a massage was rounding out the day.  All of that happened but with the extra added bonus of the verdict in the Rittenhouse trial.  I mean not at all shocked but it definitely threw off the mood.  But I came home to another pick me up and got dinner and the only thing I haven't done that I thought I would is have a drink.  I had a cupcake instead and I'm going to take it.  I'm going to try to get this prompt posted before midnight but I'm struggling if I'm honest.  If another big yawn overtakes me I may just be doing this bright and early in the morning.  Prompt: Do you know any 'dying' skills like sewing, hand quilting, soap making, canning, etc? How does this improve your service? What skills would you like to take the opportunity to learn?  That's a lot to unpack so we'll see how well this goes.


Month 2: Prompt 32

Thursday, November 18, 2021 No comments

I'm watching this as Stephanie Mills and Chaka Khan are singing on Verzuz right now so I may get distracted.  Here's the prompt: Who or what inspires you in your life?

Honestly I find and have found lots of people inspiring and this list is not exhaustive.  I'll get to them and the things in turn.  Inspiration can be found anywhere if we are open to it and I try to remain open to the universe as much as I can.  It keeps me going in between the tired parts and the moments that I just don't think I can string it together.

So first things that inspire me:

  • Traveling in general
  • Friendly people while I'm traveling
  • Good food
  • Happy babies and animals
  • While I don't want to be up enough to see them, a good sunrise
  • Those purple sunsets
  • A good massage, scalp massage or pedicure
  • A wonderful book
  • A song that touches my spirit in just the right way

People that inspire me:

  1. My family even when they get on my nerves, each one of them has overcome something and continues to love and work hard
  2. Kids again, they are the most realistic and honest people you can have inf your lives
  3. Prince, even though he's gone he's still imparting information on my life when I need it
  4. Pink cause she's kind of badass
  5. Most of the classic R&B divas because see number 1
  6. Musicians in general cause they give me love in ways I don't know how to ask for but desperately need
  7. Writers cause they create worlds I can escape into
  8. People in love in general, happy love is amazing, Black love is even better for me
  9. Mentors and mentees, cause they pour into me and let me pour into them
  10. Lots of folks I'm probably forgetting


Almost Doing Nothing + Prompt 31

Wednesday, November 17, 2021 No comments

My schedule has opened up today in the most random of ways so I'm going to enjoy it.  I may go get a pedicure or I may do not a damn thing after I support someone later today.  I'll come back to that later.  Let me get through this prompt first.  Today's writing trigger: Is there any information you wished you came across early on in your submissive journey?  Is there something you wish existed then or even now?  Because I know both responses are gonna take a minute, I'm gonna go ahead and create the page break NOW because I have no idea where I'd break it up eventually.


The Dirty Thirty

Tuesday, November 16, 2021 No comments

Up watching tennis.  Trying to manage some aches and pains that are creeping in because I'm tired as fuck and still have a full week of shit to do only the last two of which are to make me happy.  Debating ditching work but I shouldn't because next week is short due to the holiday but I really really want to do so.  Like I'd love to go back to sleep for a bit but yeah not possible either right now.  Just wanted to set the scene before I respond to this prompt: Does your submission let you build on your strengths?  Do you have any strengths and talents that you're not using at the moment?

So I'll be honest and say I went WTF when I saw this.  I don't know that anyone has challenged me to build on a strength while being a submissive.  That is not to say I haven't been challenged OR that I haven't grown.  Just that no one has said you are really good at X and I need to see you improve here.  Or you are good at Y but if you use the talent you have in X to make Y better.  But it's not also not something I've asked for in my dynamics or at least not clearly.  I've not even directly asked that someone push a boundary.  I've given them tacit permission to do so but nothing explicit there either.  Part of this year of writing, 335 more to go yippee, is about me figuring some of that out.  I can be better for myself period.  Maybe that will make me better for someone else or maybe it makes me a devoted pug lady when I get older lol.  They are cute and will match my chilling out vibe.  So I guess the first answer is no because it hasn't come up.  The second response is not really.  I've been pulled in lots of directions personally and professionally lately that are putting my talents on display.  Outside of serving my Dominant partner in some way, I'm using all the other resources up.  There ya go.


Almost a milestone: Prompt 29

Monday, November 15, 2021 No comments

This prompt was not what I was anticipating, again lol, but it makes sense in the context of what had been going on.  Have you attended a munch group?  What were your impressions?  Have you been back?  Why or why not?

I have literally never been to a munch group.  Typically the areas I live in are lacking in diversity and I would stand out like a sore thumb to use an old saying.  This plus the conservative nature of my career means I rarely interact in public spaces.  I almost went when I relocated here and had been looking for a munch group that was out of my town but as I checked out the guest list I realized I knew at least one person from our common occupation and didn't want them to be awkward at the munch or at work.  Especially since I had just got there and they could be in a position to evaluate my work.  I like the social aspects of what munches have to offer but I only hang out in BDSM spaces when I out of the area and when they are largely inhabited by POC.  I'd love to have that option here but considering my desire to eat regularly and not be 1) fetishzied or 2) fired then keeping my private life private is my best option while I live here.  Maybe if I relocate or if my future partner wants to give it a go but that's a huge maybe.  POC social circles are so much so even a rumor about something kinky could ruin relationships for me and my mother and it's not worth that.  So there you go.  No munches for red.


Weekly Recap: 4 Weeks, 28 or so posts

Sunday, November 14, 2021 No comments

I just got through crying and I can say it had nothing to do with my submission or my single status.  Someone shared one of those military parents reuniting with children after a long absence videos and boy those are good for a few cleansing tears.  This week was about healing and pushing forward.  I got to remember people I love/d and I got to remember to love on me.  I worked on managing my own emotions, expectations and energy so that I'm not feeling out of control.  It's okay to have moments when you are swept up and hell I miss those moments but not being in a consistent good place or being easily thrown out of that place by what someone else does or doesn't do isn't ideal.  No one needs to appear for me to realize this.  I just needed to refocus.  I didn't entirely stick to my plan but that was a good thing too.  In the last four days, people have popped up out of nowhere and subtly or aggressively wanted my attention.  If anyone of them struck me as a vibe to explore, I would have but since they didn't I just got back to work on taking care of me and the stuff I need to do.  I can't say this will be a forever mood but I'm grateful for it now.  The rest of the plan will work itself out slowly but surely.  And so will I.


28 Days Later

So we have made it to the fourth week with timing being the biggest contributor to me forgetting to post not just me being forgetful.  Some things have changed and other things have not.  I'll get to that in my recap post though.  For now let's get to the prompt for today which is: Over the past week, what did you do to bring yourself closer to reaching your submissive goals?  What can you do over the coming week to achieve further progress?  

In all honesty, my initial thought was nothing.  Shit I've been busy as we rush towards a move, work and the holidays approach.  That's not entirely true though.  I've been thinking about submitting more.  I started a space on Fetlife that I need to invite people to.  I bought some things that evoked moments of submission for me.  And I've been talking to people more about where I am and what I am thinking about.  Then there's also been moments when I recognized that someone isn't wanting to connect to me and instead of letting it put me in a spiral like normal, I said my piece and kept it moving.  It's not like I have no emotion there because I do.  But it wasn't helping me to stay mired in that emotion when it's not reciprocated.  I can be stupid sometimes but not indefinitely.  That's not a good look now is it.  And I've been working on improving me overall.  I'm happier when I get my hair done regularly so I got that taken care of yesterday.  Friday I have a doctor's appointment to work on the next wave of self-improvement and a massage after that.  I also managed to not get snared into the emotional cesspool of good sex with an ex who messaged me out of the blue.  He's luscious, the sex is amazing and he always fucking smells good.  I legitimately just talked about him in terms of bad decision making last week.  My fault for not assuming that meant he'd be making an appearance soon.  But I actually busy the entire time he's here and there's nothing anyone could tell me to make me skip my massage to drive to meet him.  So I did a lot of internal work and self care so good for me.  Next week I think I'm just gonna keep doing the same thing cause why the hell not.  I have to remember to love me regardless of what anyone else is doing period.


Nothing Worse Than Being Thirsty: Prompt 27

Saturday, November 13, 2021 No comments

I heard the blog title in the car on the way home today.  It was in the lyric from a new to me Andy Grammar song.  It's somewhat out of context BUT really does fit the prompt so here we go.  What is your favorite scene from a book or movie that evoked a sense of your submission?

When I read this earlier I was dumbfounded because that whole adage of Your Kink is Not My Kink (YKINMK) popped into my head.  Most kinky books don't do a thing for me at all because it is all centered around acts that say "look I'm kinky" as opposed I'm submissive and enjoying this dynamic.  The only time I've ever had a moment that resonated with me and was like ok fuck you are my people was when I read a few different books.  The first I'll talk about is Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan.  I'm sure I said so at the time but I felt like Sophie and I were cut from the same high functioning textbook submissive cloth.  It was comforting to not see a woman broken down and convinced to submit to some hulking man who whisked her away from her hum drum life.  And the book didn't necessarily have a neat and tidy ending which felt more genuine than some other books that I hadn't finished or even the Story of O which everyone swears should awaken submission in most of us.  I loved it and it made me feel at peace that I wasn't even more abnormal than I had been feeling.  So yeah book one just made me feel like I had company.  And I must give credit to the Dutchman because I never would have known it existed had he not shared it with me.


It's Friday y'all: Prompt 26

Friday, November 12, 2021 No comments

I did some work but mostly was chilling today.  The prompt is going to be the bulk of this post.  Prompt is: How much input do you want to have when planning a scene?  How much do you want to know about the Dominant's plans before they happen?

Honestly outside of making sure we review hard limits, soft limits and kinks I haven't wanted a ton of input in the scene.  I mean let's make sure you know my safe word and that it's unlikely that I will use it so you're going to have to watch me and make sure I haven't totally checked out.  Knowing what the plan is ahead of time wouldn't really help me because then I start making an image in my head of how I want things to play out which isn't necessary beneficial for anyone involved.  A disappointed me isn't fun for anyone involved so it's probably better to keep the updates pretty much in the moment.  Tell me you're going to cut off my clothing a few minutes before it happens.  Well maybe tell me that part ahead of time so I can wear things I don't mind being cut off.  Whispering you're about to tie me up and fuck me right before you get out the rope and yep happy girl.  There's a lot I don't need to know before it happens.  That's probably because I've only been with partners that fired up my imagination ahead of time.  Not sure what would come up with someone that I was getting to know. 


Work work work: Prompt 25

Thursday, November 11, 2021 No comments

I don't have to go into the office tomorrow after a long work week and I am so excited to be able to turn off my fucking alarm I cannot at all explain it to you.  I'm going to post this and watch tennis or Hallmark or masturbate.  Who cares?  I can sleep in.  So here's today's prompt: How do you see your submission maturing and changing in a year, five years, ten years?

So that was not what I was expecting.  I've been deliberately not skipping ahead so that I am not processing things ahead of schedule.  Part of why I am working on this year of self reflection is I want to be a better version of my submissive self.  I have been realizing that I engage in no growth when I am single/unclaimed whatever you want to call it and that doesn't help me or anyone that I might serve.  I don't know exactly where I'll end up at the end of this process but I'm glad for questions like this because it gives me something to work towards or admit that I need to do better with.  I'll work through the prompt after the break.


Maybe a bit more introspective: Prompt 24

Wednesday, November 10, 2021 No comments

So I read this before I went to bed last night and it was enough of a brain teaser that I went to bed.  I'm not sure where this post will end up going so don't blame me if it's meandering as fuck.  Without further delay, here's the prompt: When you are near the end of your life, reflecting on your choices and the years you have lived, what would you like to remember? 

Some days it feels like I'm already near the end of my life because I'm just exhausted but this is something I've considered.  Am I living my life fully enough that when it's over I'll be thrilled or full of regret?  Some days, months and years I am definitely going all the fuck way out and it's amazing and I may have done a few stupid things along the way but never enough that I regret booking the ticket, eating the food or kissing the boy.  There are other days, months and years where I'm barely hanging on to adulting let alone doing something entertaining or fun.  I have done a ton of cool things and then some dull as shit things.  My life tends to be cyclical in that way.  Like I go too hard too long and then need to return to my caterpillar existence before trying on some new butterfly wings. 


Another Two For One: Missed Prompt and the Day Ahead

Tuesday, November 09, 2021 No comments

So Monday got away from me and this is late but is an interesting conversation: Write about your first power exchange relationship.  How does that differ from the one you are in now?  The first one was very old school dynamic wise.  Master/slave (submissive), I called him Sir, he was not overly interested in my wants and needs and I was not overly concerned with them either.  I'm not in a relationship now but the most recent one was different because I was more assured of who I was and what I wanted and I wasn't afraid--entirely--to ask for it.


Weekly Recap: Three Weeks In + Sad

Sunday, November 07, 2021 No comments


This week was fine in terms of what I needed to write about.  Nothing overwhelmingly triggering except maybe discussing my one and only foray into polyamory crashing and burning.  The prompts for this week are things I have already processed to some degree.  Things with Emperor were never peaches and cream so it doesn't hurt to recap it.  Thinking about my journey to now, also not terribly surprising.  So yeah this week was just good to keep the habit up because I can forget things easily when it is not showing me that things will be amazing.  So why I'm sad right now I don't really know.  But I am sad.  Everything after the break will be about that so you have been warned.  You can just stop reading now.


Three Weeks and Counting: Prompt 21

This before bed and before daylight savings time has done it's thing so I think it will say November 7th but I have no idea so go with whatever it is.  Prompt for today is: What was your first Dominant/submissive encounter?  I think it depends on what you are looking for here.  Do you mean the first time I understood that I might be submissive or the first time that I acted in a submissive way with a Dominant partner?  I'll tackle each of these because my brain has the energy to do so right now.

First time I thought I might be submissive was with a HS boyfriend because I distinctly remember the satisfaction and pride I felt when I did things for him and let him do things to me that I had not considered.  It was all in a sexual capacity because I don't think he had the ability or understanding of what it would take to really dominate me.  That's a good thing though because his grand plan for our lives together was he was going to become a manager at a fast food restaurant that gave decent profit sharing while I went to medical school, birthed our children and occasionally let him sleep with his ex who had decided she could never be happy without him.  Like no lie, that was a thing, and she went AWOL from the military while I was away at school to be with him and prove her love.  Woo I was dumb.  So was she and I'm glad that never one of us ended up in that hot mess permanently.  Okay moving on.


Reflection: Prompt 20

Saturday, November 06, 2021 No comments

The prompt for this entry is as follows: Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago.  What has changed, and what has stayed the same since then?  So before I get to writing let me go find an entry suitable to spark my memory.  So that didn't take as long as I thought it would.  Full disclosure, I only looked at posts in November over the last two years because I know if I went too much further back that 1) I'd find nothing because I tend to blog when I'm happy or distressed or 2) I'd be so blissfully fucking happy that I'd want to drink heavily tonight and that shit is not cool.  The post I chose can be found here.  Now let's get into it.


Thought I Forgot This One: Prompt 19

Friday, November 05, 2021 No comments

I've been posting these right before bed and last night my body was just not about that life.  I literally just thought about whether or not I had provided my post and turns out nope I have not.  The prompt is simple enough but the answer may be complicated: How did you know life as a submissive suited you?

I will be honest and say I didn't know it when I got into it and that there are moments I struggle with understanding my place in submission now.  It's not that I don't enjoy the kink, the pain or the servitude.  I relish them all but I would say the thing that trips me up is the emotions.  I keep all of me to myself if that makes sense until I'm submitting.  I have to for a lot of reasons and that is tiring and can feel like a burden.  Rough week at work would ideally end with my Dominant partner helping me slip into subspace or just out of contact with what is transpiring in the moment so that I can recenter and tackle the world writ large again.  However, with one exception, that's never really been in play.  My Doms were always hundreds of miles, if not more, away from me and at most I could get some verbal or written means of talking me off the ledge.  That's an okay substitute but it leaves me wanting and needy which can throw off any dynamic that isn't ready for it.


Ohh good question: Prompt 18

Thursday, November 04, 2021 No comments

Have you ever been part of a poly dynamic?  Did you enjoy it?  Would you be in one again? This may be a doozy so buckle up now buttercup.  I have been in an awkward poly dynamic.  I met Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman around the same time.  I struggled for months about which one made the most sense for me in where I was at that moment.  Truthfully both relationships were going to be long-distance so that was a wash, both were sufficiently dominant for me to enjoy a good scene with either but they offered different things after that.  My connection to the Dutchman was much more cerebral and aided in me exploring kink in ways that I had not done before and have not done since.  My connection to Mr. Wolf was much more one of ownership and being protected.  I eventually went to both of them with the idea of them jointly owning me for the avenues in which they could and one said yes in a heartbeat and the other said they knew they wouldn't win outright. 


The Prince Prompt 17 Days

Wednesday, November 03, 2021 No comments

Y'all that made me super giddy to type but clearly I'm a weirdo.  Here's the prompt: It's 100 years in the future, and someone just dug up a time capsule of your life.  Describe the items inside it and what you hope they communicate about you.  Tie each item back to a memory from your life.

So the first thing they would likely find is my music collection or things that are tied to my music collection (old concert swag, tickets, etc).  I have been going to concerts since I was in elementary school when my mother let me go see Michael Jackson during the Bad world tour.  It was amazing and started my love of seeing people live instead of just listening to them on recordings.  Most of the people I've seen live have been better than the recordings anyway so that would likely be the biggest portion of my time capsule.  Most of it would be Prince related because he was everything for me but they would see that I listened to anyone that made good music that was kind of classic.  


Almost a Prince song: 16 Days In

Tuesday, November 02, 2021 No comments

Yep I know this is early but I'm gonna be damn near dead to the world tired when I get home.  When was the last time you made yourself a priority?  If you don't remember the last time, why haven't you?  This won't take as long I think because at least twice a month I make me a priority in small ways.  Yes they cost me a little bit of money but it's worth it to have someone else wash and style my hair because I also get a good giggle in for those hours.  And then usually the week after that I go get a ninety minute massage because it makes my life so much better.  I don't fuss at people and I don't overeat usually on either night.  If I could do that, while also managing my diet and working out regularly and sleeping on a schedule life would be cake.  As it is, there's at least a muffin involved.  I love me and I know that I need to take care of me.  I don't always and that's my frustration.  I also made ice cream for me tonight--totally forgot about that.  Regardless, making me a priority in short bursts isn't my issue.  It's the long term pronounced putting myself first so that I can do everything else better keeps eluding me.  I agree to work later because I don't want a colleague trapped on narrow roads late at night.  That means I don't work as many days though so that's kinda prioritizing me.  Ahh well, I do it, possibly not enough and since I'm single there's no one to balance that against. 


Didn't Expect This One Either: Prompt #15

Monday, November 01, 2021 No comments

My life is a hot mess in some ways so I should have anticipated this one coming up but not sure why it never escaped my brain.  My Dominant partners have never been big on collars which is a good thing because I'm not sure how I would have handled this question otherwise.  It's still a bit of a mind fuck all the same.  So here we go: What would you do with your Dominant's collar if they died while you were in a relationship with them?  If you've been tracking then you know Mr. Wolf died unexpectedly.  However, we were not together at that point so I just had to deal with my random distress regarding hearing about his death outside of the channels we had agreed upon previously.


Second Week Recap & More

Sunday, October 31, 2021 No comments

Gonna be honest, this week feels different than the first.  While the topics were exposing much more of my submissive life, writing about them didn't feel as invasive as the first week.  Not sure what was different except maybe these were more about sex and connection which I process constantly so they don't feel as raw as some of the things from the first week.  Even the post for today which is about the first sexual or play encounter with a current/former Dominant partner didn't feel like I was ripping open a delicate wound.  In some ways it brought back the rush of endorphins that were present when I first connected with a partner.  In other cases, I'm so far removed from the pain or disappointment that occurred in those relationships that it didn't throw me off my game.  Plus, my kinky partners have been much more fulfilling sexually overall so there was little to regret or be ashamed of from our relationships. 


this may be awkward: prompt 14

For those of you that don't really like to hear about real life sexual interactions this would be the post to skip.  When I read the prompt, a few thoughts hit my brain.  The first is well yep gotta write about a former Dom not a current one.  The second was well which former Dom because while I've had a handful, I haven't had sex with all of them.  The last thought was should I just write about the ones I did have sex with because they may have set the tone for how those dynamics played out.  I'll see as I start writing where we ended up but here's the prompt to get us all on the same page: What was your first sexual/play encounter with your current Dominant like for you?  If you don't have a current Dominant, talk about your previous Dominant?


I didn't get drunk but...Prompt 13

Friday, October 29, 2021 No comments

I had a lot to do today, got some drinks and now I'm tired.  I also have a ton of potential things I need to get done tomorrow so here's prompt 13: Write a summary of a book about your life as a submissive.

Real talk when I saw this prompt I thought to myself is this a tragedy, a comedy, an epic tale or could it just be cliff notes.  I mean I've been exploring submission for a LONG time but I'm not sure what the book would say other than this girl learns slowly.  Well buckle up because here we go.


Because I plan to get drunk tomorrow: Prompt 12 early

Thursday, October 28, 2021 No comments

Complete this sentence and then keep writing: "Tomorrow I'm finally going to catch up on the stack of work in my queue."  It's been sitting there too long and I need to tackle it.  I'm going to sleep in first but then I plan on spending the rest of the day slogging through it.  I don't have anywhere that I'm supposed to be and I am working on the staying in the moment thing so I'm trying very hard not to get upset and stay upset with anyone.  I'll probably have to cook dinner at some point but I can ponder that when I wake up so I can then either let something marinade or fix something that doesn't require that much energy.  Either way, work is on tap and that will make me feel better that it's done.  If I tackle that early enough I'm gonna do some cleaning and dump things ahead of this move.


We Must Be Prompt lol #11

Describe five ice things that happened to you in the past week.  Then, list five nice things that you will do for others next week.

This post will probably be short but if not meh, you're the one reading this, that's your fault if you get bored.  First nice things that happened to me.

  • We had a great going away party for a colleague that I love and has made me feel like her daughter for the last few years
  • I got to see delight from a young woman who was connected to professionals that look like her
  • I gave a brief talked that seemed to be well received
  • I had a good and cleansing conversation with my ex
  • I slept in and rested and didn't force myself to be great--and no one complained 


Pair of Prompts

Wednesday, October 27, 2021 No comments

So I forgot how long Tuesday was so I need to do that prompt and the one for Wednesday (today) as well because I'm in meetings all day today too.  Tuesday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: "I got to this point in my submissive journey because I am not always aware that I'm falling into old patterns, afraid of making mistakes, and often having to put my own needs on the back burner."  I've talked about some of this before so I won't rehash all of it.  My kink sensibilities have been heavily influenced by my vanilla dating patterns.  To that I mean I like highly sexual relationships BUT I tend to enjoy them one or one now instead of been much closer to a polyamorous existence when I was doing the vanilla thing.  And I think that's because I crave a deeper connection to one person now.  However, I don't tend to seek out people that offer strict correction even when I think that's what I may need.  I like guidance but I hate correction if I'm being perfectly honest and that's hard to pull off if I'm really going to submit because I am not a brat.  And honestly, if I was less involved in caretaking I likely would be in a larger city with a kinky Black community because I can live relatively cheaply on my own.  Ahh well.  I am doing things like this to work on me and who I want to be before the next kink commitment begins.


the inifity prompt: #8

Monday, October 25, 2021 No comments

I should have expected this but for some reason I did not: Write a letter to yourself five years from now.  Or maybe I did expect it just not so close to the previous prompt.  Meh whatever.  I read this prompt in the morning but between the rain, meetings, and class I'm getting to it over 12 hours later which is probably a good thing.  My brain in the morning isn't always firing on all cylinders. All right let's see what I need to say to future me.


First Week Recap

Sunday, October 24, 2021 No comments


This is the second Sunday post but I wanted to do this because I have been thinking a lot since I posted he earlier prompt.  I opted to make a recap post for the week just to process the whole experience.  I don't know if I'll keep up the whole weekly recap thing but if I do you will see the image above each time.  I likely won't rehash each post so keep that in mind.  If you want to know how I'm responding to each prompt, you have to read that entry.  So let's get into it.


Sunday Afternoon, Rain Is Falling: Prompt 7

This post is probably gonna be rambling after I respond to the prompt: write a letter to yourself five years ago.

October 2016 wow, the timing on these things is intriguing.  The election has not happened yet but you are worried and you were right about all the concerns you had about the country.  You can do little to fix them and things will get much worse before they even begin to crest towards better.  The other thing that you don't know right now is those men you love so fiercely will start slipping away from you very soon.  To be clear, you may have been slipping away from them first.  You were annoyed that Mr. Wolf was not the Dutchman and vice versa if I'm being honest.  You wanted things from each of them they could not give you.  Part of why you didn't get those things is because you can't make people be who you want them to be.  You have told clients that forever.  You have to love who the person is in front of you not who you want them to be.  You struggle with that yourself though and you need to give them some slack for your disappointment.  The other reason you don't get those things is more complex.


Back to Life: Prompt 6

Saturday, October 23, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt is as follows: Think about something you wish you had known ten years ago.  If you could go back and give yourself the advice you needed at the time, how would your life change?

Wow that's kind of heavy to even process.  In 2011, I was still at a job I wasn't loving at that point and that was probably bad for my health.  I was either near the end of or coming out of my relationship with Good Nyte.  I was tired, my mother was stressing me out and I needed things to change.  Had I known that the job would only go on for another few years I may have said fuck it and figured out how to make things work with GN.  I didn't want to be where he relocated like at all but I wasn't loving where I was either.  He and my mother got along which was a massive help.  And we worked well together even if it wasn't always completely smooth.  Making a move for my relationship has never happened.  I seriously considered it with the Dutchman and actively discouraged it with Mr. Wolf.  I didn't want Mr. Wolf to be here because he hated the city and I wouldn't want him to think I'd have more time.  Mom is a time suck.  I didn't relocate because mom is not adaptable.  And that's likely why I didn't chase GN when I could have.  Dealing with her mood swings about minor change can kill my brain cells.  Moving somewhere colder, farther away from family and with the added uncertainty of whether the relationship would resolve in the way I wanted to likely would have been too much.  It's a good thought exercise but I don't know that my life would be different now.  Perhaps I'd be in a different job than I am now but so much of my life is good now because of the decisions I made in the years since.  I guess it could be richer in different ways.  Maybe we would have gotten married and maybe we would have had kids but the travel I've done never would have happened in that case.  I likely wouldn't have discovered some of my more depraved sensibilities.  I'm not sure if we'd be doing D/s at all really.  Lots of unknowns with this one.


The brain is funny: prompt 5

Friday, October 22, 2021 No comments

I saw the prompt for today a few days ago as I was scrolling through the first week and was kinda wrecked.  Thinking about writing it today isn't bothering me and not because I've had time to process it but because my brain isn't being inundated with other emotions at the same time.  So without further stalling, the prompt for today: How long did it take for you to obtain your collar? What process did you go through for your collar?


A Year of Introspection Prompt 3 and 4

Thursday, October 21, 2021 No comments

I am doing both of these now because I forgot about day three and my day four will be a hot mess.  So day three asks the following question: What's the best advice you were ever given.  This has nothing to do with kink in theory but it applies.  And it was that I always had to take care of myself first so that I could take care of the people I care about and do my job well.  Very true statement and when I forget it then parts of my life fall apart.  The problem I sometimes have is that I'm so in my zone that I cannot process anything other than this needs to be done.  I miss my Dominant partner saying sit your dumb ass down before you hurt yourself.  The external perspective works better than my mental flossing.  Dumb I know but it is where I am.


365 Days, Prompt Two

Tuesday, October 19, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What is something you regret doing?

So this will be a weird post.  In theory, I regret nothing.  While my life may not be on fire with excitement and lusty pronouncements, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in if it were not for those past decisions.  They all connect and again the immediate after effects were sometimes grueling but they made me sit here now and ready to tackle the next thing coming.  For the sake of the prompt, I can say that I regret not standing up for myself more.  I have allowed disrespect from family, friends, colleagues and partners to go on longer than it should have.  I have refrained from trashing other people while I know they were doing the same thing to me elsewhere.  And I have let people have misconceptions of me because it wasn't worth it to me to correct it.  To my mind, if they really wanted to know they would come to me but they didn't so yeah.  I know part of my letting things ride is because of how my irritation, rightful though it may be, is read as anger and out of proportion to what is actually happening.  With partners, I'm sure my submissive brain is short circuiting about how we went from me being desired and valuable to discarded and replaced.  But I didn't see any reason to rail against them either because the people that enjoyed them wouldn't believe me and I would just look like the bitter ex.  So maybe what I regret is having to manage my image with people that only care to see one side of my existence and everything else is unacceptable. 


Working on me for a bit

Monday, October 18, 2021 No comments

I posted on fet yesterday that I regret not doing more to grow as a submissive over the last few years and you know me, well some of you do, I had to go do something about that.  I don't know that the discussion prompts will get me there but it was a good use of 14 bucks so we'll see what happens.  I may not write daily because I'm forgetful but I will write.  So here is day one's prompt: What is one of your earliest memories when your submissiveness came to the surface?

So you think I would have forgotten this because I wasn't really aware of what submission was or that it was something that Black women did but that is not the case.  My first fully fleshed out memory of my submissive tendencies coming out was when I was in high school.  I started dated a young man we will just call Barry for the sake of this blog.  Barry and I were every teenage girl's fantasy made manifest.  He was cute, he was funny, everyone liked him and he loved me.  In that teenage way that you are aware you are loved, I knew I was loved.  His mother loved me and my parents begrudgingly accepted the young man that had stolen my heart.  He was intermittently the cutest thing ever and then slightly aggressive but mostly sexually.  It was never in a way that I felt coerced but that I felt like I'd be giving him a gift if we explored whatever it was.  Those requests started to elicit my let me serve you impulse.  He didn't have the knowledge and I didn't have the language to push it beyond the sexual arena.  He pushed my protector brain switch too.  Men that make me feel safe always make my girly bits take flight and my heart right along with it.  So because of him I tried lots of things I wouldn't have and didn't before.  We tried anal, threesomes, role play an a bit of polyamory.  That's probably where we fell apart, well one of the reasons we fell apart.  What I hadn't picked up on when we were together was he fed on my devotion to him and the subtle ways in which I need him.  Barry's problem was he kinda like that vibe in his relationships and without me around he began seeing an ex again who ended up going AWOL trying to maintain their love.  I can roll my eyes and shake my head now but I was hurt at the time thinking all these boundaries we had crossed together only to see that it mattered more to me than him.  However, I can look back now and realize how much I miss serving and submitting to someone and what that lack of connection does to my mood when I explore it.  I forgave him years ago--told him as much on my thank you for teaching me about this aspect of love tour--but I think I need to forgive myself too for not knowing what was triggering me then and why I have pursued certain kinds of men since.  Ahh well, day one down.


maybe i'm drowning

i couldn't articulate what i was thinking earlier today while waiting on a response from someone.  the truth of the matter is i feel like i'm drowning.  not literally of course because i can swim and without some assistance i'd probably make it to the shoreline or edge of the pool.  however, i'm drowning in the figurative sense and i cannot figure out how to stop it.  feeling anything again, as opposed to shutting everything down so i could just get through life, has been a hodgepodge of fuckery.  some days i'm high as a kite and wanting to be hurt and demeaned.  other days i'm insecure and needy and just really want to cuddle with the person that i know will soon want to hurt and demean me.  and there are other days i just feel so overwhelmed by whatever it is i'm thinking and feeling that i vacillate from being tearful to angry to convinced that whatever shot i had at being with someone is over and i'll only find someone new if i accept whomever shows interest in me.


this is still my safe place

Friday, October 15, 2021 No comments

you've been getting lots of posts from me lately and this is for one reason.  even though this page is open to literally everyone, this is still my safe haven.  i don't feel as exposed here.  honestly no matter what google analytics says i'm pretty sure only a few of you pop over here and you don't stay very long to explore.  posting on fetish boards just draws in a lot of attention that i don't always want as i'm processing my thoughts.  i've been talking to Mr. Good Nyte and The Dutchman off and on for the last few weeks and each conversation throws my brain into different spaces.  they aren't doing anything deliberate--at least not Mr. Good Nyte--but you know my brain likes to overwork literally everything. 


realizations and frustrations

Sunday, October 10, 2021 No comments

i like anonymity, clearly, and because of my race, occupation and family structure then without it i run the risk of losing everything i really care about.  i've been reflecting a lot lately on what i lose maintaining that anonymity.  parts of my body are shared with the universe but never my face.  my partners never get to share photos of me on social media that display our dynamic accurately.  i've only taken like serious photos with one and that was likely a decade ago.  my ideal photo shoot will never take place more than likely.  a cuffed, bound, leashed version of me will never be immortalized fully.   my tear stained face has maybe only been captured once and that was because that partner was "greedy" and enjoying all the new ways he could torment me.  i know what i have asked for and why i do it.  i miss not being on display though.  it's a weird dichotomy in my brain.  i want to be fully owned and claimed but i need to maintain my privacy before pervy colleagues try to exploit what they see as a vulnerability.  life would be oodles simpler if i was just a straight girl who liked straight guys and wanted nothing more than to settle down, have babies, and live in a house we can sorta kinda barely afford.  but that's not where my brain rests and it causes havoc in the end.

i realized something else today when i saw a photo.  one of my exes is the super perverted way more depraved version of a different ex.  not sure why that popped in my head today.  They don't look alike.  They have very little in common.  but the photo made my brain go so yeah you're a dumbass for missing this for such a long time.  then my brain went so you know that means you just keep finding men who are not able to really be with you because you just ended up dating the more extreme version of that one.  i don't know if that's entirely true but you know submissive brains can go zero to homeless (or dom-less in this case) in a nanosecond.  and if you didn't know that now you do.  this is one of those moments i wish i was in a kinky hallmark movie.  i could wake up and have a do over.  i'm not sure who i would choose instead or if i would be allowed to choose at all.  but i'm frustrated that even the digital game versions of me are being tied up and fucked well while i'm sorting through is there someone willing to give me what i want in a relationship at all.  for real y'all, digital me is getting the business.  ahh well it will be whatever it is in the end right.