another saturday night and i ain't got nobody lol

Sunday, March 21, 2021 No comments

i'm sitting here exhausted, relieved and crying.  mom had a crisis and i had messed up dreams hoping she'd be okay.  i've given six or seven talks for my job in the last twelve weeks.  i've had to lead the charge on a few things while worrying about my job options.  and i'm upset because while i knew something would likely go a certain way i was still hopeful it may turn out a different way.  i really miss my dad and talking to folks that clearly care about me that i don't have to hunt down first.  i miss having community and being taken care of by someone that loves me.  i would really like to just be back on my dad's sofa, watching tennis or cartoons or science fiction and talking about life while he rubbed my hair and let me fall asleep.  but that won't happen and no one is going to come save me from myself.


not sure why i'm awake

Monday, March 01, 2021 No comments

I was doing Dutch homework but that was at least an hour ago and probably more than that at this stage.  I've written an email or two, sent off a letter of recommendation and logged into fet for the first time in who knows when.  It was long enough ago that my feed needed to repopulate.  Nothing was popping so meh I guess I don't need to go back again anytime soon.  I was mostly being masochistic in an unhealthy way watching the interaction of my exes and their new folks but even that wasn't the primary touch point in going anymore.  I miss having a kinky collective.  I don't know that I will ever have one again at this stage but I missed the grown up Black folks that were there.  Nothing wrong with the young ones but they are just not my speed. Ahh well.  I was just checking in.  Hope everyone is well.